I think the greatest gift recovery has given me is a fine sense of inner peace. They call it serenity.
For a very long time I was at war with myself. I was echoing parental judgment calls, criticizing myself with my own brand of criticism, and thinking very negatively. All the faith in the world was not healing my depression. At least not faith in the divine. I had no faith in others to speak of. I alternated between thinking I had all kinds of power to destroy (or affect) other's lives just by looking at them wrong, to feeling totally helpless. But, I did learn something from my parental units; I learned how to make it all look good on the outside. I worked full time for a long time, but my internal conflicts interfered with my jobs, quite frankly. I had something to write about, but I did not know how to write about it. Feelings are censored viciously in my family, so I learned to write about them. Now, I've come to a peace with my utter need to write: my thoughts, my feelings, and my imaginings....
I learned a long time ago to keep my mental filing system organized. I spent many years working on that. I coached my own memory so that my memories weren't chaotic. My memory is far from perfect. I've probably forgotten much much more then I care to. I know what belongs in the round file, though these days. Most suspicions, fearful thoughts, and worries/what ifs belong there. I don't try to kill those thoughts -- I just try to ignore them -- thus, no fighting required. I had to think about stuff enough to decide what was true and what was not. I don't believe forgiving and forgetting is the truth. That way I don't have to reject memories of real stuff that happened. I don't believe in fighting with myself any more on the issue.
Some people in recovery, even those with many many years of sobriety, are very uncomfortable with thinking. I'm sure that being afraid of one's own head is not the answer. I tend to disagree with the concept of "my best thinking," got me here. It was not my best thinking that did it. It was the conflict between my head and my heart. My best thinking has kept me in recovery though. I'm not afraid to think about stuff. I'm not afraid to take charge of my own head. I mean, we can't control all stray thoughts, but we don't have to feed the monsters in our heads. I don't have much conflict nowadays between my head and my heart. I think about each feeling I have, and file it. If it's obsessive, I wait it out, it will pass. If it's sadness I write about it. If it's anger I decide on an appropriate course of action and words. If it's happiness I enjoy it, etc. I sort out my feelings, and I think many of us in recover would find it valuable to identify feelings correctly and if we cannot, investigate what the feeling really is. We are in control of our behavior, most of the time, although many of us cannot control crying, blushing or laughing really. Basically, I don't fight my feelings either. Things are much more peaceful because of that.
I needed medication to feel right though. I am on antidepressants. It's very hard to make peace with ourselves if something is physically wrong with our brains. I had to learn how to get my head and heart to work in tandem after I was treated for my serious depression.
It is impossible to find peace if we are on drugs or messed up on alcohol. It interferes with the way we should feel about stuff that happens and we know it. We don't feel right. Our thinking is slowed down, and we have a very difficult time dealing with what we do start feeling. We won't always know how to act or respond to our feelings. We may have serious difficulty in dealing with conflicts with others especially if we cannot fully understand what they are trying to tell us.
A long time ago I learned about communication cycles. In arguments, often neither party listens to the other and what they are really saying. It is next to impossible to really listen to what someone else is saying if we are messed up on drugs and/or alcohol. It's impossible to cooperate with our own feelings if what they are saying is a "buzz-kill" kind of thing. I think being at peace means being able to control our behavior and the way we respond to others. Often people who are high or drunk will get angry at the messenger who brings bad news. And they are incapable of understanding often that the messenger is not responsible for the way they feel....
Good listening skills make for peaceful relations with others a lot of the time. Paired with a peaceful cooperation of heart and mind, we can use effective communication to the other person. We can do our best to understand where they are really coming from, avoid arguing about the small stuff, and avoid blaming them for the way we feel. I know that all of this requires a sober mind. Being present in the moment is necessary too, and hard to do when we are messed up on drugs and alcohol.
I feel very blessed that I have this inner peace too, since so many have booted me out of their lives, possibly permanently. Every single person who "disowned" me crossed too many boundaries with me. I always let them know about that. I have peace in my assertiveness and being able to lay down boundaries. I am okay with the fact that I am okay about it. That too is a form of peace between myself and these others. Silence can be very peaceful. I don't start fights with people who don't want me around. I don't fight at all unless it's a battle I have picked and I am trying to save someone's life. My inner peace/serenity doesn't have to be affected by their turmoil. If I don't feel like I can maintain my serenity, I let them go.
Peace, to me is friendship. To me inner peace then means being my own best friend. I treat myself in my head and otherwise as I would a good friend. I don't beat myself up. I used to use affirmations. I used to have to counter every single negative thought with a positive one. I stopped blaming myself for situations where I was actually victimized by someone else. I stopped blaming myself for putting up with it, and giving myself kudos for bravery, cleverness, and sheer pluck in surviving what I have survived. I say nice things to myself all the time. I do good things for myself, and reward myself for good behavior.
I also do good things for others. It helps my self esteem. It gives me positive ammunition to boost myself up. I give myself permission not to be perfect, to be wrong, to make mistakes, and to try. I try to make my world a better place to live in. I would imagine its very hard for a selfish person to find any kind of inner peace. Being messed up on drugs and alcohol makes us all selfish. We cannot think straight enough to even consider putting ourselves in another persons shoes -- that requires imagination and, yes, thinking. I guess the golden rule is good enough for me. I want love from others so I usually treat others with genuine love, and I love myself too.
I am an honest person nowadays. I tell others the truth. I see no need to argue about the truth either. I don't state the truth (to the best of my abiltiy) in a non provocative way. That means I use tact. That comes down to the golden rule too. I want honesty from others. So I use it with others.
I'm okay with myself, basically, are you?
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Resentments
It's time to write about resentments. Apparently I've really been dishing them out lately to addicts I know. They say if you aren't giving resentments to newcomers and using addicts, you aren't doing your job right. I must be doing my job right! A lot of people in recovery say "It's better to give resentments then get them," too.
I don't feel guilty..... It's not me making them feel cruddy, it's the drugs and/or their need to control others!
Obedience, especially to those with no legal authority over me, was never a "virtue" of mine, anyway! Obedience is grossly overrated......
What a mess of our lives resentments can make! They can certainly lead to relapse. At the very least they make us feel bad.
The Basic Text of NA says this about relapse, "We are never forced into relapse. We are given a choice. Relapse is never an accident. Relapse is a sing that we have a reservation in our program. We begin to slight our program and leave loopholes in our daily lives. Unaware of the pitfalls ahead, we stumble blindly in the belief that we can make it on our own. Sooner or later we fall into the illusions that drugs make life easier," p.76, chap 7.
Drugs don't make life easier. They make it harder. It is harder to care, to concentrate, to deal with our own feelings. There is nothing that drugs and alcohol can't make worse, I've heard it said many times.
"When a resentment or any other emotional upheaval occurs, failure to practice the steps can result in a relapse," p 77, chap 7, Basic Text. Obviously the cure for resentment comes in forgiveness, in the steps, and perhaps some objectivity.
It says under step 9 in the Basic Text, "In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments," p. 39, chap 4.
The Basic Text defines resentments as, "Resentments are reliving past experiences again and again, and fear is our response to the future," p. 94, Chap 9. Our resentments generally only hurt us. We might be resenting someone for some behavior that has nothing to do with how people act generally in reality.
I think there is some difference between resentments and hate, annoyance and even anger. But negative emotions can lead to resentments if we dwell on them. Emotions tend to be transitory, unless we are hanging on to them. It is our choice to hang onto them or not.
It's easy for me, nowadays to let the little things go: things like stupid drivers, insensitive remarks, bluntness from friends, and even difficult people. I ask myself, "Is this really going to matter tomorrow?" It seems to me that a lot of resentment revolves around control issues and expectations. I used to expect people to know how their words were affecting me without telling them. There's a lot of expectation of mind reading going on. I think people get resentments, too, because other's aren't doing what they want them to. If my toes are getting stepped on, I have to tell the person. And then, let it go. There's no reason for resentment if someone crosses a boundary. I have to tell them, and if they ignore me, it's them. Resentments involve renting out space for free to others in our heads, and we don't need that if we want to recover.
I used to have difficulty not resenting those that have merely abused me, too. But, I find that recovery helps me to let go of this too. All of the people who did that to me, are addicts and/or alcoholics. I can be understanding about it, I've been there too. I try to understand others. I try to understand their behaviors. I know that forgiveness is about thinking right. It's very hard to think right when one is an addict. We actually have to think of others to forgive them. Most addicts and alcoholics who are actively using don't think much about others. They don't think about what God might really want. After all, the Bible tells us that it's okay to punish children with corporal punishment. If they were thinking about what God really wants and practicing critical thinking about what they read, it would give them pause in their addiction I'm sure. They've got to live with themselves; I don't have to live with them.
Where I have difficulty with resentments is towards sexually abusive predatory types. I don't find those so easy to let go. I often hate child molesters and rapists. It's very hard to get over those kinds of experiences for me. I don't feel very forgiving towards them, especially since they go out and attack other women and children. They don't stop doing what they do. They never make amends for what they do. I don't know how to correctly apply double standards. I don't know how to expect them not to, when I expect myself to make amends. It will take time I know, in recovery to learn the correct way to deal with them.
Don't get me wrong, I don't always have feelings for (or against) creepy "people." I'm usually a pretty happy and upbeat kind of person. Usually all I feel towards those types is utter indifference. I cannot love them. Loving perverts is like shining a light on a black hole -- one will just get sucked in. I don't know how to forgive them either.... But as long as I keep working on it, I know I will be alright. I've just been attacked too much up until about ten years ago, to let go of it quickly. I find that breaking the silence, telling the truth, and fighting back by helping others who have gone through similar experiences to be really helpful to me.
On the good side, other then those resentments, everything else is small potatoes. I can let them go.
When I was actively addicted, I was ruled by my dark side. It was totally out of control. We cannot get a handle on resentments, and other negative thinking combined with emotions as long as we are using. We get ruled by dark emotions (deadly sins) when we are not in control of ourselves. We will not truly feel better until we learn how to deal with ourselves and things like resentments. Recovery is about feeling better about ourselves in the long run. We cannot feel better about ourselves when we are nursing little monsters like resentments.
And, I will take long term serenity (feeling better about myself) to short term pleasure any day, thank you!
I don't feel guilty..... It's not me making them feel cruddy, it's the drugs and/or their need to control others!
Obedience, especially to those with no legal authority over me, was never a "virtue" of mine, anyway! Obedience is grossly overrated......
What a mess of our lives resentments can make! They can certainly lead to relapse. At the very least they make us feel bad.
The Basic Text of NA says this about relapse, "We are never forced into relapse. We are given a choice. Relapse is never an accident. Relapse is a sing that we have a reservation in our program. We begin to slight our program and leave loopholes in our daily lives. Unaware of the pitfalls ahead, we stumble blindly in the belief that we can make it on our own. Sooner or later we fall into the illusions that drugs make life easier," p.76, chap 7.
Drugs don't make life easier. They make it harder. It is harder to care, to concentrate, to deal with our own feelings. There is nothing that drugs and alcohol can't make worse, I've heard it said many times.
"When a resentment or any other emotional upheaval occurs, failure to practice the steps can result in a relapse," p 77, chap 7, Basic Text. Obviously the cure for resentment comes in forgiveness, in the steps, and perhaps some objectivity.
It says under step 9 in the Basic Text, "In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments," p. 39, chap 4.
The Basic Text defines resentments as, "Resentments are reliving past experiences again and again, and fear is our response to the future," p. 94, Chap 9. Our resentments generally only hurt us. We might be resenting someone for some behavior that has nothing to do with how people act generally in reality.
I think there is some difference between resentments and hate, annoyance and even anger. But negative emotions can lead to resentments if we dwell on them. Emotions tend to be transitory, unless we are hanging on to them. It is our choice to hang onto them or not.
It's easy for me, nowadays to let the little things go: things like stupid drivers, insensitive remarks, bluntness from friends, and even difficult people. I ask myself, "Is this really going to matter tomorrow?" It seems to me that a lot of resentment revolves around control issues and expectations. I used to expect people to know how their words were affecting me without telling them. There's a lot of expectation of mind reading going on. I think people get resentments, too, because other's aren't doing what they want them to. If my toes are getting stepped on, I have to tell the person. And then, let it go. There's no reason for resentment if someone crosses a boundary. I have to tell them, and if they ignore me, it's them. Resentments involve renting out space for free to others in our heads, and we don't need that if we want to recover.
I used to have difficulty not resenting those that have merely abused me, too. But, I find that recovery helps me to let go of this too. All of the people who did that to me, are addicts and/or alcoholics. I can be understanding about it, I've been there too. I try to understand others. I try to understand their behaviors. I know that forgiveness is about thinking right. It's very hard to think right when one is an addict. We actually have to think of others to forgive them. Most addicts and alcoholics who are actively using don't think much about others. They don't think about what God might really want. After all, the Bible tells us that it's okay to punish children with corporal punishment. If they were thinking about what God really wants and practicing critical thinking about what they read, it would give them pause in their addiction I'm sure. They've got to live with themselves; I don't have to live with them.
Where I have difficulty with resentments is towards sexually abusive predatory types. I don't find those so easy to let go. I often hate child molesters and rapists. It's very hard to get over those kinds of experiences for me. I don't feel very forgiving towards them, especially since they go out and attack other women and children. They don't stop doing what they do. They never make amends for what they do. I don't know how to correctly apply double standards. I don't know how to expect them not to, when I expect myself to make amends. It will take time I know, in recovery to learn the correct way to deal with them.
Don't get me wrong, I don't always have feelings for (or against) creepy "people." I'm usually a pretty happy and upbeat kind of person. Usually all I feel towards those types is utter indifference. I cannot love them. Loving perverts is like shining a light on a black hole -- one will just get sucked in. I don't know how to forgive them either.... But as long as I keep working on it, I know I will be alright. I've just been attacked too much up until about ten years ago, to let go of it quickly. I find that breaking the silence, telling the truth, and fighting back by helping others who have gone through similar experiences to be really helpful to me.
On the good side, other then those resentments, everything else is small potatoes. I can let them go.
When I was actively addicted, I was ruled by my dark side. It was totally out of control. We cannot get a handle on resentments, and other negative thinking combined with emotions as long as we are using. We get ruled by dark emotions (deadly sins) when we are not in control of ourselves. We will not truly feel better until we learn how to deal with ourselves and things like resentments. Recovery is about feeling better about ourselves in the long run. We cannot feel better about ourselves when we are nursing little monsters like resentments.
And, I will take long term serenity (feeling better about myself) to short term pleasure any day, thank you!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
On Sharing
It took at least one whole year, perhaps two years for me to start sharing in meetings. I was definitely not comfortable with the idea. I wasn't sure what of my experience was relevant. I wasn't sure if I would corrupt someone with my cravings. I wasn't sure how to say what I knew about the Spirit and my experience with that which is higher. When I started going to meetings nothing I knew was crystallized enough in my mind to share it. I felt really different -- marijuana doesn't cause scary physical withdrawal that I know of. Heck, I wasn't even sure for the first year or so of meetings that I was an addict! Quite frankly, all I really wanted to do was listen. I really wanted to know if I was really an addict. I wanted to know what others had been through. I wanted to know the politically correct way to say stuff. I wanted to listen! I'm not always politically correct, but one should know the correct way to break the rules of political correctness!
As far as strength and hope goes, I didn't have much of that to pass around when I first started. I had learned a long time ago that being negative really accomplished nothing. At least, I didn't see my strength, and when I was in treatment -- I saw little hope for me. I was quite determined that I could go out and drink socially when I got out. I really did not see how that could lead to worse problems....
It was shortly after I did my 12 steps that I began to feel like I had something to share....
There is stuff I know about God and Goddess that nobody else knows. That too was something I was listening for too. I wanted to hear from God! I wanted to learn something new about the Spirit from others in the program. I did learn new stuff. I get new perspectives on how God and Goddess might think and feel about various things from others.
Nobody told me to sit down and shut up early in recovery. I guess it's quite common to do that to new people. Nobody had to. I can see the rationale there.... I can see why nobody wants to hear the negativity or be reminded of cravings, or to jones from the glorifying of drugs and alcohol that newcomers are capable of.
But, there is a time to speak up and say something. There is a time to share what is on our minds, preferably relating to the topic of the meetings and/or more pressing matters. We need the vulnerability. We need to air our errors so they can be corrected. We need to teach what we know. I know that mistakes made by people who have hundreds of years clean and sober make me feel relieved that I will never have to be perfect to keep the fellowship. I have made real friends in this program because I am an awesome listener and because of what I have shared in and out of the rooms.
I love the friends I've made in this program. It's about time I had clean and sober friends that actually care about God and/or Goddess! I have people that accept that plain old spirituality is a valid path to Spirit too. The people in my life are not religiously judgmental -- they let me have my weird hodgepodge of beliefs. I've also found it safe to share -- not one person has approached me after a meeting and criticized me for what I've shared.
Isn't this fellowship and program awesome?
As far as strength and hope goes, I didn't have much of that to pass around when I first started. I had learned a long time ago that being negative really accomplished nothing. At least, I didn't see my strength, and when I was in treatment -- I saw little hope for me. I was quite determined that I could go out and drink socially when I got out. I really did not see how that could lead to worse problems....
It was shortly after I did my 12 steps that I began to feel like I had something to share....
There is stuff I know about God and Goddess that nobody else knows. That too was something I was listening for too. I wanted to hear from God! I wanted to learn something new about the Spirit from others in the program. I did learn new stuff. I get new perspectives on how God and Goddess might think and feel about various things from others.
Nobody told me to sit down and shut up early in recovery. I guess it's quite common to do that to new people. Nobody had to. I can see the rationale there.... I can see why nobody wants to hear the negativity or be reminded of cravings, or to jones from the glorifying of drugs and alcohol that newcomers are capable of.
But, there is a time to speak up and say something. There is a time to share what is on our minds, preferably relating to the topic of the meetings and/or more pressing matters. We need the vulnerability. We need to air our errors so they can be corrected. We need to teach what we know. I know that mistakes made by people who have hundreds of years clean and sober make me feel relieved that I will never have to be perfect to keep the fellowship. I have made real friends in this program because I am an awesome listener and because of what I have shared in and out of the rooms.
I love the friends I've made in this program. It's about time I had clean and sober friends that actually care about God and/or Goddess! I have people that accept that plain old spirituality is a valid path to Spirit too. The people in my life are not religiously judgmental -- they let me have my weird hodgepodge of beliefs. I've also found it safe to share -- not one person has approached me after a meeting and criticized me for what I've shared.
Isn't this fellowship and program awesome?
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Step Twelve
"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."
Step twelve is about service -- loving and active service. It, too, is a maintenance step. Bill W. found carrying the message essential to his sobriety, and it is a formula that works very well for all of us. We need our newcomers. Not only because they remind us where we came from and where we never want to go again, but also because they offer new ideas and fresh perspectives.
The steps are the H.O.W. of our program. The principles are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness (among other good ones.) This step, especially, is how we stay sober.
My higher power is "the kind of love that has no price tag on it," p 106, 12x12. That is everywhere. To me, if I am showing that kind of love that has no expectation either of reward or return, I am doing my God/dess' will. My spiritual awakening had more to do with doing step 11 (which was the step I did fourth) then it did with all the steps. Step twelve was essentially my step five. It also had to do with doing step 11 while I was locked up and sobriety was forced upon me. To me, that just proves that we don't need to earn God's love. It's unconditional. My spiritual awakening took place when I was given a bookmark that said "God is love," in jail. I haven't really gone wrong since I thought about that and agreed with it! Much of the literature, meditations and other people talk about love. My higher power works through other people! I learn from mostly everyone! In my humble opinion long term sobriety will lead us to some kind of spiritual awakening if we really want one even if we haven't done the work of the steps. Not that I'm putting down the steps -- I'm not. The steps are very helpful, and I really think we need them to develop those principles that make even longer term sobriety possible.
Love is alive! This spiritual awakening gave me purpose -- to love others. It's much harder to love people from a distance (like when one is dead!) "He has been set on a path which tells him he is really going somewhere, that life is not a dead end, not something to be endured or mastered," p 107, 12x12. How is it possible to master love? Nobody is a greater lover then anyone else. Love, if we believe in it isn't that hard to endure either. Its the lack of love that hurts so much more then loving itself! If God/dess were really love and love were really alive, God/dess would make sure we moved on when we died, instead of there just being an end to consciousness. We don't like losing people we love... Why would God/dess' (who is love, imho) be any different?
Now love is not obsession, possessiveness, and manipulation. I don't do those things to newcomers. Alanon talks a great deal about detachment. I find it saves my sanity and resources if I don't get too attached to newcomers and/or the outcome of the message. H.O.W. applies to loving, too. Let's not forget the golden rule either: "Do unto others as you'd have done to you." We want people to be honest with us, although we do appreciate tact. Being open minded is very valuable when working with newcomers. We aren't going to create little clones of ourselves. You cannot put a square peg in a round hole! Diversity is a good thing! We want our beliefs respected, and must treat others the same way! We might actually learn something valuable from them, then. A willingness to help newcomers is important too. I'm not perfect, I'm not always willing to cut through all the BS with newcomers, and I'm not always willing to argue with them as seems to happen often with newcomers. However, a lot of the time I am willing. I believe in picking my battles, and saving a life is a good reason to pick the battle for me quite often.
"...by the divine paradox of this kind of giving he has found his own reward, whether his brother has yet received anything or not," p 109, 12x12. I don't know about anyone else, but I teach by learning and learn by teaching. I have received many rewards from working with newcomers including increased patience, better people skills, and gratitude for where I am at. I remain a student of life. Life is a journey not a destination. I think that makes me a better teacher and/or messenger. Another side effect of giving is happiness. I'm happy because I feel well. I'm happy that there is no end to this!
I have a special message for newcomers who are also survivors of abuse! There is no excuse to use -- not even rape or torture. It will not help.... For many of us the core of the matter is either get better or die! It is not fair for other survivors to die because they were attacked. Shame is useless and puts up barriers. There is no real shame in surviving attacks!
"When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence on His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would," p 116, 12x12. I need my Goddess too. I did not trust a masculine image of God after being attacked so much. She was there for me when I could not trust a God. In recovery, it is perfectly OK to have our own concepts of Spirit. In recovery I find that I can believe in Goddess and still have recovery! I can have the fellowship. I find that "these were the new attitudes that finally brought many of us an inner strength and peace that could not be deeply shaken by the shortcomings of others or by any calamity not of our own making," p 116, 12x12. I can vouch for that. We need that kind of faith to work with newcomers. The steps will give us the faith we need to do that. "Two-stepping" will not.
I need my faith, because I seem to be one of the "many AA members who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have a family life," p120, 12x12. I devote my time to this blog, to helping others and to friends. Many men cannot tolerate a woman who loves most other people at least as much as she loves him.... People can be so demanding that their partner only love them.... "Free of marital responsibilities, they can participate in enterprises which would be denied to family men and women," p 120, 12x12. Friendship, for one, is my number one priority. I'm not the kind of person who ditches all friends when I get in a relationship. I have other family members who aren't part of my reality for the most part -- including children who are adopted out and parents who have taken out a no contact order against me. My brothers have judged me unworthy I guess.... They won't, however, have anything to do with recovery -- either AA/NA or Alanon. I think I have been through at least a little bit of everything, and this gives me the ability to relate to so many people. I do have something to offer in service to others in recovery. A lot to offer, and I try to offer it to any takers. I do remember that this is a program of attraction rather then promotion, and I incorporate that tradition into my service.
Talk about turning the tables on my detractors! I did it with God's great help!
Step Twelve tells us it is possible for anyone to do this with just a little work!
Step twelve is about service -- loving and active service. It, too, is a maintenance step. Bill W. found carrying the message essential to his sobriety, and it is a formula that works very well for all of us. We need our newcomers. Not only because they remind us where we came from and where we never want to go again, but also because they offer new ideas and fresh perspectives.
The steps are the H.O.W. of our program. The principles are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness (among other good ones.) This step, especially, is how we stay sober.
My higher power is "the kind of love that has no price tag on it," p 106, 12x12. That is everywhere. To me, if I am showing that kind of love that has no expectation either of reward or return, I am doing my God/dess' will. My spiritual awakening had more to do with doing step 11 (which was the step I did fourth) then it did with all the steps. Step twelve was essentially my step five. It also had to do with doing step 11 while I was locked up and sobriety was forced upon me. To me, that just proves that we don't need to earn God's love. It's unconditional. My spiritual awakening took place when I was given a bookmark that said "God is love," in jail. I haven't really gone wrong since I thought about that and agreed with it! Much of the literature, meditations and other people talk about love. My higher power works through other people! I learn from mostly everyone! In my humble opinion long term sobriety will lead us to some kind of spiritual awakening if we really want one even if we haven't done the work of the steps. Not that I'm putting down the steps -- I'm not. The steps are very helpful, and I really think we need them to develop those principles that make even longer term sobriety possible.
Love is alive! This spiritual awakening gave me purpose -- to love others. It's much harder to love people from a distance (like when one is dead!) "He has been set on a path which tells him he is really going somewhere, that life is not a dead end, not something to be endured or mastered," p 107, 12x12. How is it possible to master love? Nobody is a greater lover then anyone else. Love, if we believe in it isn't that hard to endure either. Its the lack of love that hurts so much more then loving itself! If God/dess were really love and love were really alive, God/dess would make sure we moved on when we died, instead of there just being an end to consciousness. We don't like losing people we love... Why would God/dess' (who is love, imho) be any different?
Now love is not obsession, possessiveness, and manipulation. I don't do those things to newcomers. Alanon talks a great deal about detachment. I find it saves my sanity and resources if I don't get too attached to newcomers and/or the outcome of the message. H.O.W. applies to loving, too. Let's not forget the golden rule either: "Do unto others as you'd have done to you." We want people to be honest with us, although we do appreciate tact. Being open minded is very valuable when working with newcomers. We aren't going to create little clones of ourselves. You cannot put a square peg in a round hole! Diversity is a good thing! We want our beliefs respected, and must treat others the same way! We might actually learn something valuable from them, then. A willingness to help newcomers is important too. I'm not perfect, I'm not always willing to cut through all the BS with newcomers, and I'm not always willing to argue with them as seems to happen often with newcomers. However, a lot of the time I am willing. I believe in picking my battles, and saving a life is a good reason to pick the battle for me quite often.
"...by the divine paradox of this kind of giving he has found his own reward, whether his brother has yet received anything or not," p 109, 12x12. I don't know about anyone else, but I teach by learning and learn by teaching. I have received many rewards from working with newcomers including increased patience, better people skills, and gratitude for where I am at. I remain a student of life. Life is a journey not a destination. I think that makes me a better teacher and/or messenger. Another side effect of giving is happiness. I'm happy because I feel well. I'm happy that there is no end to this!
I have a special message for newcomers who are also survivors of abuse! There is no excuse to use -- not even rape or torture. It will not help.... For many of us the core of the matter is either get better or die! It is not fair for other survivors to die because they were attacked. Shame is useless and puts up barriers. There is no real shame in surviving attacks!
"When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence on His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would," p 116, 12x12. I need my Goddess too. I did not trust a masculine image of God after being attacked so much. She was there for me when I could not trust a God. In recovery, it is perfectly OK to have our own concepts of Spirit. In recovery I find that I can believe in Goddess and still have recovery! I can have the fellowship. I find that "these were the new attitudes that finally brought many of us an inner strength and peace that could not be deeply shaken by the shortcomings of others or by any calamity not of our own making," p 116, 12x12. I can vouch for that. We need that kind of faith to work with newcomers. The steps will give us the faith we need to do that. "Two-stepping" will not.
I need my faith, because I seem to be one of the "many AA members who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have a family life," p120, 12x12. I devote my time to this blog, to helping others and to friends. Many men cannot tolerate a woman who loves most other people at least as much as she loves him.... People can be so demanding that their partner only love them.... "Free of marital responsibilities, they can participate in enterprises which would be denied to family men and women," p 120, 12x12. Friendship, for one, is my number one priority. I'm not the kind of person who ditches all friends when I get in a relationship. I have other family members who aren't part of my reality for the most part -- including children who are adopted out and parents who have taken out a no contact order against me. My brothers have judged me unworthy I guess.... They won't, however, have anything to do with recovery -- either AA/NA or Alanon. I think I have been through at least a little bit of everything, and this gives me the ability to relate to so many people. I do have something to offer in service to others in recovery. A lot to offer, and I try to offer it to any takers. I do remember that this is a program of attraction rather then promotion, and I incorporate that tradition into my service.
Talk about turning the tables on my detractors! I did it with God's great help!
Step Twelve tells us it is possible for anyone to do this with just a little work!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Step Eleven
"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
This step is also a maintenance step. A higher power is an essential part of staying sober. We will seriously have a hard time staying clean and sober without a relationship with our higher power. Relationships require communication to stay alive.
"Prayer and meditation are our principal means of conscious contact with God," p. 96, 12x12.
I've never really been much of a skeptic when it comes to God/dess like it describes in the beginning of this chapter of the 12x12. I did not object to the use of the word "God." I knew that God cared about us. I just never conceived that God/dess had the power to help me. That would require letting God inside my brain and body and I was not really ready for that until I was deep in my addiction. The whole concept of me not being the only one inside my body was very scary to me.
"Those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do without it then we would refuse air, food, or sunshine," p. 97, 12x12.
My problem with prayer was, I wasn't really doing it right. The step says "...praying ONLY for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." I'm still, to some extent, stuck on that word "only." I often pray for old friends and other ill people. I pray that they find recovery (whatever kind of recovery that may be.) I can't find any fault with doing that, but that's not what this step tells me to do.
Heck, I cling to my God, Goddess and Jesus! Many things happen in this world that upset me. It seems to be a better alternative then clinging to some poor ignorant other person. They don't seem to mind, those divine beings. They let me. The serenity prayer is soooooooooo helpful nowadays. It did not help much when I was suffering the effects of clinical depression. I have some understanding now of why God/dess doesn't effect miracle cures of illnesses. That understanding came from God/dess -- I'm sure of it. It has a lot to do with what people who hate God do to people who have proof there is a God and Goddess. My main issue with God/dess before was because S/He wouldn't fix my ailments! God will make a person feel better and release him or her from obsessions on faith alone. God will not usually fix diseases, however.
I pray every night. I meditate and listen for answers. Answers to my questions usually come in a myriad of ways. God and Goddess have proven themselves to me -- even if nobody else would accept my spiritual experiences as proof or even real. I make sure I connect with my higher power every night before I go to sleep. I tell God about my feelings, about my life, about other people and about my observations. I turn over my stress. I ask for help going to sleep quite often. I often have questions about God, Goddess, the universe and religions. Lately I have been asking God to keep the devil out of my dreams (since most of my nightmares revolve around the devil). It seems to be working.
"...when we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, our emotions, and our intuitions of vitally needed support. AS the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul. We all need the light of God's reality, the nourishment of His strength, and the atmosphere of His grace." p. 97-98, 12x12. My God and Goddess are love. It's common knowledge we all need love. We need to give and receive love! Sometimes I really feel like the only way I get love is from my higher power, but it is enough for me.
"It is hoped that every AA who has a religious connection which emphasizes meditation will return to the practice of that devotion as never before," p. 98, 12x12. Yes, that is me. I was big on meditation before I was an addict and have returned to the practice. It is absolutely essential for me to quiet the mind to reduce stress and stop negative thinking in it's tracks. Meditation, in it's purest form, is communion with the divine and when God and Goddess are allowed into the mind they will help make it a much better place for us to live -- if we want it to be. So many of us are conflicted between mind and heart. Proper meditation means allowing God and Goddess into our hearts too. I'm sure that if we really desire to learn how to meditate, God will show us how to do it and what to ask for. Meditation may not seem very practical to some, but it really is! Quieting the mind is essential to gaining real divine guidance in our lives. We will know ourselves much better too. If we don't seize upon and dwell on stray thoughts too much, we will find it easier to truly hear the divine. We can learn a lot about ourselves too, by observing those same stray thoughts.
Through the practices of prayer and meditation, I find it so much easier to cope with life's ups and downs without using drugs or drinking. I believe it honestly is God/dess' will for me to care! I believe God/dess wants the kind of relationship with me where I can talk to Him and Her about anything. I treat God like I would a good friend -- I try not to have expectations. I don't try to control God and Goddess. I don't give orders. I say please and thank you. I don't have complex plans for my higher power to follow. I have to remember that I'm not the boss. I honestly believe God and Goddess want us to turn over our troubles to Them. They are so much more capable of dealing with troubles then we are! I try to let God pilot this ship. I know God helps me feel better most of the time! So, I've come to the conclusion that God's intentions for us are good cause God helps me feel good about myself and my life! And if I listen to God's guidance I don't get abused or entangled in abusive relationships. I'm sure God does not want us to be martyrs for some bestial abuser type. Basically meditation and prayer give me inner peace. That is priceless.
I think that people new in recovery should give meditation and prayer a chance. It is not scientific to reject things based on whether or not we like the concept! I think newcomers will be pleasantly surprised at the results.
"Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world," p. 105, 12x12.
This step is also a maintenance step. A higher power is an essential part of staying sober. We will seriously have a hard time staying clean and sober without a relationship with our higher power. Relationships require communication to stay alive.
"Prayer and meditation are our principal means of conscious contact with God," p. 96, 12x12.
I've never really been much of a skeptic when it comes to God/dess like it describes in the beginning of this chapter of the 12x12. I did not object to the use of the word "God." I knew that God cared about us. I just never conceived that God/dess had the power to help me. That would require letting God inside my brain and body and I was not really ready for that until I was deep in my addiction. The whole concept of me not being the only one inside my body was very scary to me.
"Those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do without it then we would refuse air, food, or sunshine," p. 97, 12x12.
My problem with prayer was, I wasn't really doing it right. The step says "...praying ONLY for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." I'm still, to some extent, stuck on that word "only." I often pray for old friends and other ill people. I pray that they find recovery (whatever kind of recovery that may be.) I can't find any fault with doing that, but that's not what this step tells me to do.
Heck, I cling to my God, Goddess and Jesus! Many things happen in this world that upset me. It seems to be a better alternative then clinging to some poor ignorant other person. They don't seem to mind, those divine beings. They let me. The serenity prayer is soooooooooo helpful nowadays. It did not help much when I was suffering the effects of clinical depression. I have some understanding now of why God/dess doesn't effect miracle cures of illnesses. That understanding came from God/dess -- I'm sure of it. It has a lot to do with what people who hate God do to people who have proof there is a God and Goddess. My main issue with God/dess before was because S/He wouldn't fix my ailments! God will make a person feel better and release him or her from obsessions on faith alone. God will not usually fix diseases, however.
I pray every night. I meditate and listen for answers. Answers to my questions usually come in a myriad of ways. God and Goddess have proven themselves to me -- even if nobody else would accept my spiritual experiences as proof or even real. I make sure I connect with my higher power every night before I go to sleep. I tell God about my feelings, about my life, about other people and about my observations. I turn over my stress. I ask for help going to sleep quite often. I often have questions about God, Goddess, the universe and religions. Lately I have been asking God to keep the devil out of my dreams (since most of my nightmares revolve around the devil). It seems to be working.
"...when we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, our emotions, and our intuitions of vitally needed support. AS the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul. We all need the light of God's reality, the nourishment of His strength, and the atmosphere of His grace." p. 97-98, 12x12. My God and Goddess are love. It's common knowledge we all need love. We need to give and receive love! Sometimes I really feel like the only way I get love is from my higher power, but it is enough for me.
"It is hoped that every AA who has a religious connection which emphasizes meditation will return to the practice of that devotion as never before," p. 98, 12x12. Yes, that is me. I was big on meditation before I was an addict and have returned to the practice. It is absolutely essential for me to quiet the mind to reduce stress and stop negative thinking in it's tracks. Meditation, in it's purest form, is communion with the divine and when God and Goddess are allowed into the mind they will help make it a much better place for us to live -- if we want it to be. So many of us are conflicted between mind and heart. Proper meditation means allowing God and Goddess into our hearts too. I'm sure that if we really desire to learn how to meditate, God will show us how to do it and what to ask for. Meditation may not seem very practical to some, but it really is! Quieting the mind is essential to gaining real divine guidance in our lives. We will know ourselves much better too. If we don't seize upon and dwell on stray thoughts too much, we will find it easier to truly hear the divine. We can learn a lot about ourselves too, by observing those same stray thoughts.
Through the practices of prayer and meditation, I find it so much easier to cope with life's ups and downs without using drugs or drinking. I believe it honestly is God/dess' will for me to care! I believe God/dess wants the kind of relationship with me where I can talk to Him and Her about anything. I treat God like I would a good friend -- I try not to have expectations. I don't try to control God and Goddess. I don't give orders. I say please and thank you. I don't have complex plans for my higher power to follow. I have to remember that I'm not the boss. I honestly believe God and Goddess want us to turn over our troubles to Them. They are so much more capable of dealing with troubles then we are! I try to let God pilot this ship. I know God helps me feel better most of the time! So, I've come to the conclusion that God's intentions for us are good cause God helps me feel good about myself and my life! And if I listen to God's guidance I don't get abused or entangled in abusive relationships. I'm sure God does not want us to be martyrs for some bestial abuser type. Basically meditation and prayer give me inner peace. That is priceless.
I think that people new in recovery should give meditation and prayer a chance. It is not scientific to reject things based on whether or not we like the concept! I think newcomers will be pleasantly surprised at the results.
"Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world," p. 105, 12x12.
Step Ten
"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."
Step ten is a maintenance step. That means it is necessary to maintain sobriety. We have to do this at least once a day to maintain serenity and sobriety. "A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us. We alcoholics have learned this the hard way," p 88, 12x12.
This step was my first dance with the steps. I learned to do this when I first read about the steps -- probably back when I was 19 or 20. Obviously, this step alone won't keep one sober, but it does keep resentments from building and a conscience clean for the most part. I always thought this step was a good idea, because the people around me rarely admitted when they were wrong or did something wrong. I wanted to be different then them! I knew how much it hurt when people would never apologize or back down in an argument when they're wrong -- especially about me! In any case, my point was, I have lots of practice at reviewing the day and assessing what part I had in any situations that came up. I try to be precise in my admissions of wrongs. I try to figure out exactly what I did wrong and apologize or admit to just that.
I often do "spot check inventories" throughout the day, even when I'm in the middle of an argument or situation. I do my best to listen to the other person. I've noticed that people tend not to even listen to the other person in arguments, etc.. Again, I wanted to be different. I don't think there's anything that's too hard to hear! I put it in perspective with how it would feel to experience bad "stuff." It helps me be more compassionate too. Inventories require a lot of listening. They require listening to the voice within, and other's voices as well. It really isn't too difficult to do this step -- at least not for me! It's a lot easier then letting stuff build up and fester within -- that's for sure!
This step also helps build confidence. It teaches us we are not always wrong! It helps us to build on our assets and capitalize on our strengths. "Once this healthy practice has become grooved, it will be so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed," p 89, 12x12. You see, it will help us notice when we handle situations well, too. Balance is a key here -- we don't have to dwell on the negative. Positive thinking is essential to this step. it teaches us to look for solutions and give ourselves some credit. That is the heart of positive thinking. Positive thinking can take us everywhere we want to go!
"It's a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us," p 90, 12x12. The chapter then goes on to extol the detriments of bad feelings. I have to disagree with the 12x12 somewhat in this case. It is not healthy to suppress or run away from bad feelings. Bad feelings do not necessarily have to lead to any kind of escapism. We have to deal with bad feelings. It does not necessarily mean we have done something wrong if we feel bad! This chapter, I think, implies quite strongly that we are doing something wrong if we feel bad.
Ordinary situations and people should not make us feel bad. It is not good to let petty stuff disturb our serenity. A lot of the stuff that goes on is small stuff. The bad feelings that come up as a result of ordinary type disturbances will pass without any effort on our part if we just let them. "Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year," p 91, 12x12. The message here is clearly that we have control over our behavior! We don't have to give voice to our feelings right away or in a harmful way. We can own our feelings and talk about them to a sponsor and/or spiritual adviser.
On the other hand, there is no need to make ourselves feel bad, guilty or shameful because we feel angry, threatened and scared because someone has attacked us or a loved one. The whole tendency to demonize anger in recovery is a little disturbing. There is no need when we are angry, to go on a rampage or lose our temper -- even in life threatening situations. Losing our cool can make a life threatening situation worse -- it can provoke the attacker to attack us more. I really believe it is possible for people in recovery to learn to distinguish justified anger from unjustified anger. The key lies in the saying "You got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything." It does not have to lead to drinking and/or using either. It needs to be talked about.
The chapter then goes on to talk basically about grandiosity. Grandiosity is, indeed a trap. "Big-shot-ism" will not help us to stay sober. It says, "....we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God, and that any success we may be having is far more His success then ours," p 92, 12x12. Humility is necessary for every last one of us recovering people.
"Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance, and see what real love for our fellows actually means," p 92, 12x12
The inventory should include an examination of our motives for doing things too. This chapter goes on to talk about motives. I seriously doubt that peoples motives are 100% pure. There is usually something to be gained by anything we do. Although, self righteousness is not good, even if there is a dose of that in our good deeds, we should still give ourselves credit for doing the good thing! Acting as if we love people will lead to actually loving them; at least, that's what I've found. There is usually love in anything we do for others.
In my humble opinion there is a fine line between taking a daily inventory and contemplating our navel. We don't need to suffer from inertia. It isn't always a bad thing to act. Sometimes it's necessary to do something about a situation, even if it's wrong. The chapter finishes with this statement, "having so considered our day, not omitting to take due note of things well done, and having searched our hearts with neither fear nor favor, we can truly thank God for the blessings we have received and sleep in good conscience."
I do believe that doing this step can keep us walking down the right path, and correct our missteps. Balance is key. I think biting off more then we could chew was our main downfall, and this step can keep us from ever doing that again! We don't want any more guilt then we can handle, and this step keeps it from building up. We learn how to be truly kind through this step.
Step ten is a maintenance step. That means it is necessary to maintain sobriety. We have to do this at least once a day to maintain serenity and sobriety. "A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us. We alcoholics have learned this the hard way," p 88, 12x12.
This step was my first dance with the steps. I learned to do this when I first read about the steps -- probably back when I was 19 or 20. Obviously, this step alone won't keep one sober, but it does keep resentments from building and a conscience clean for the most part. I always thought this step was a good idea, because the people around me rarely admitted when they were wrong or did something wrong. I wanted to be different then them! I knew how much it hurt when people would never apologize or back down in an argument when they're wrong -- especially about me! In any case, my point was, I have lots of practice at reviewing the day and assessing what part I had in any situations that came up. I try to be precise in my admissions of wrongs. I try to figure out exactly what I did wrong and apologize or admit to just that.
I often do "spot check inventories" throughout the day, even when I'm in the middle of an argument or situation. I do my best to listen to the other person. I've noticed that people tend not to even listen to the other person in arguments, etc.. Again, I wanted to be different. I don't think there's anything that's too hard to hear! I put it in perspective with how it would feel to experience bad "stuff." It helps me be more compassionate too. Inventories require a lot of listening. They require listening to the voice within, and other's voices as well. It really isn't too difficult to do this step -- at least not for me! It's a lot easier then letting stuff build up and fester within -- that's for sure!
This step also helps build confidence. It teaches us we are not always wrong! It helps us to build on our assets and capitalize on our strengths. "Once this healthy practice has become grooved, it will be so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed," p 89, 12x12. You see, it will help us notice when we handle situations well, too. Balance is a key here -- we don't have to dwell on the negative. Positive thinking is essential to this step. it teaches us to look for solutions and give ourselves some credit. That is the heart of positive thinking. Positive thinking can take us everywhere we want to go!
"It's a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us," p 90, 12x12. The chapter then goes on to extol the detriments of bad feelings. I have to disagree with the 12x12 somewhat in this case. It is not healthy to suppress or run away from bad feelings. Bad feelings do not necessarily have to lead to any kind of escapism. We have to deal with bad feelings. It does not necessarily mean we have done something wrong if we feel bad! This chapter, I think, implies quite strongly that we are doing something wrong if we feel bad.
Ordinary situations and people should not make us feel bad. It is not good to let petty stuff disturb our serenity. A lot of the stuff that goes on is small stuff. The bad feelings that come up as a result of ordinary type disturbances will pass without any effort on our part if we just let them. "Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year," p 91, 12x12. The message here is clearly that we have control over our behavior! We don't have to give voice to our feelings right away or in a harmful way. We can own our feelings and talk about them to a sponsor and/or spiritual adviser.
On the other hand, there is no need to make ourselves feel bad, guilty or shameful because we feel angry, threatened and scared because someone has attacked us or a loved one. The whole tendency to demonize anger in recovery is a little disturbing. There is no need when we are angry, to go on a rampage or lose our temper -- even in life threatening situations. Losing our cool can make a life threatening situation worse -- it can provoke the attacker to attack us more. I really believe it is possible for people in recovery to learn to distinguish justified anger from unjustified anger. The key lies in the saying "You got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything." It does not have to lead to drinking and/or using either. It needs to be talked about.
The chapter then goes on to talk basically about grandiosity. Grandiosity is, indeed a trap. "Big-shot-ism" will not help us to stay sober. It says, "....we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God, and that any success we may be having is far more His success then ours," p 92, 12x12. Humility is necessary for every last one of us recovering people.
"Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance, and see what real love for our fellows actually means," p 92, 12x12
The inventory should include an examination of our motives for doing things too. This chapter goes on to talk about motives. I seriously doubt that peoples motives are 100% pure. There is usually something to be gained by anything we do. Although, self righteousness is not good, even if there is a dose of that in our good deeds, we should still give ourselves credit for doing the good thing! Acting as if we love people will lead to actually loving them; at least, that's what I've found. There is usually love in anything we do for others.
In my humble opinion there is a fine line between taking a daily inventory and contemplating our navel. We don't need to suffer from inertia. It isn't always a bad thing to act. Sometimes it's necessary to do something about a situation, even if it's wrong. The chapter finishes with this statement, "having so considered our day, not omitting to take due note of things well done, and having searched our hearts with neither fear nor favor, we can truly thank God for the blessings we have received and sleep in good conscience."
I do believe that doing this step can keep us walking down the right path, and correct our missteps. Balance is key. I think biting off more then we could chew was our main downfall, and this step can keep us from ever doing that again! We don't want any more guilt then we can handle, and this step keeps it from building up. We learn how to be truly kind through this step.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Step Nine
"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
I had a difficult time doing this step. Primarily because most of the people I probably owed an amends to have taken out a no contact order against me. (That would be family, mostly.)
"Most of us begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day we join Alcoholics Anonymous," p. 83 12x12. This to me, was the most important and most direct amends I could make to the living -- including myself. I have children, and although I didn't raise them, they don't need to contact a mother when they are adults who can't take care of herself.... In some ways, giving my two daughters up for adoption spared me from hurting them much. I have no legal responsibility for my kids. I think the best and most direct amends I could make to them is to be a clean, sober and lucid person when and if they do come back into my life.
I owed an amends to my youngest daughter, of whom I had custody for the first four months of her life. I spent most of the time around her baked out of my mind. Even when she was in the state's custody, they would often show up for supervised visits with her and I would be baked then too. I really was not a very good mother, and was suffering severe and untreated psychosis when she was in my custody. I ended up shaking her several times because rape hallucinations would make me so enraged. The hallucinations were worse while she was breastfeeding.
I wrote her a letter, which has not been given to her yet. I apologized for my drug use while pregnant and while she was with me.
I also owed an amends to my old best friend. I used to steal cigarettes from her occasionally. I tried to steal an abusive boyfriend away from her too, but could not handle his abuse. I emailed her and offered to pay for the cigarettes.
I think I probably hurt the people who are looking down from Heaven right now, the most. Who knows what they saw. I wrote letters to my closest loved ones up there. I think that writing heartfelt letters to those who've passed on that we may have hurt is a very good thing to do. I honestly believe the people in Heaven can read those letters and really appreciate them. I feel like I've been forgiven by the loved ones I've lost; I really do. I think we learn more about forgiveness, and become more understanding when we get to Heaven, because God/dess can explain directly to those people.
I have not been fortunate enough to really experience forgiveness from the living. I get a little jealous of those whose amends are met with a warm reception. Mine have not been.
I have been doing my best to make indirect amends to people. I am totally against corporal punishment of children. It has never done any good in my observation. I don't punish children any more -- even when they are in my care -- which has not happened for awhile. There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline, in my book, is much more effective. I am more careful with other's feelings and such then I used to be. I still have indirect amends financially to make which I will do when I have the money to spend on them.
I discussed making amends to predatory men with many other recovering people. I have a tendency to rip off abusive men if they threaten or abuse me. I probably have stolen quite a bit of money and valuables from men like that. It says in the step itself, "...except when to do so would injure them or others." I was told that I qualify as an "other." It was suggested to me that I donate an equivalent amount of what I have stolen from creepy men to a domestic violence shelter.
I don't know if its really possible to finish this step in a short time. It is taking me a long time to make my amends to people. I think I really should stay in recovery, because I do believe that is the most effective and best amends I can make!
I had a difficult time doing this step. Primarily because most of the people I probably owed an amends to have taken out a no contact order against me. (That would be family, mostly.)
"Most of us begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day we join Alcoholics Anonymous," p. 83 12x12. This to me, was the most important and most direct amends I could make to the living -- including myself. I have children, and although I didn't raise them, they don't need to contact a mother when they are adults who can't take care of herself.... In some ways, giving my two daughters up for adoption spared me from hurting them much. I have no legal responsibility for my kids. I think the best and most direct amends I could make to them is to be a clean, sober and lucid person when and if they do come back into my life.
I owed an amends to my youngest daughter, of whom I had custody for the first four months of her life. I spent most of the time around her baked out of my mind. Even when she was in the state's custody, they would often show up for supervised visits with her and I would be baked then too. I really was not a very good mother, and was suffering severe and untreated psychosis when she was in my custody. I ended up shaking her several times because rape hallucinations would make me so enraged. The hallucinations were worse while she was breastfeeding.
I wrote her a letter, which has not been given to her yet. I apologized for my drug use while pregnant and while she was with me.
I also owed an amends to my old best friend. I used to steal cigarettes from her occasionally. I tried to steal an abusive boyfriend away from her too, but could not handle his abuse. I emailed her and offered to pay for the cigarettes.
I think I probably hurt the people who are looking down from Heaven right now, the most. Who knows what they saw. I wrote letters to my closest loved ones up there. I think that writing heartfelt letters to those who've passed on that we may have hurt is a very good thing to do. I honestly believe the people in Heaven can read those letters and really appreciate them. I feel like I've been forgiven by the loved ones I've lost; I really do. I think we learn more about forgiveness, and become more understanding when we get to Heaven, because God/dess can explain directly to those people.
I have not been fortunate enough to really experience forgiveness from the living. I get a little jealous of those whose amends are met with a warm reception. Mine have not been.
I have been doing my best to make indirect amends to people. I am totally against corporal punishment of children. It has never done any good in my observation. I don't punish children any more -- even when they are in my care -- which has not happened for awhile. There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline, in my book, is much more effective. I am more careful with other's feelings and such then I used to be. I still have indirect amends financially to make which I will do when I have the money to spend on them.
I discussed making amends to predatory men with many other recovering people. I have a tendency to rip off abusive men if they threaten or abuse me. I probably have stolen quite a bit of money and valuables from men like that. It says in the step itself, "...except when to do so would injure them or others." I was told that I qualify as an "other." It was suggested to me that I donate an equivalent amount of what I have stolen from creepy men to a domestic violence shelter.
I don't know if its really possible to finish this step in a short time. It is taking me a long time to make my amends to people. I think I really should stay in recovery, because I do believe that is the most effective and best amends I can make!
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