Helping others and accepting help seems to be the theme of my meditation books today.
There is no sin in asking for and accepting help with our recovery, or anything else for that matter. We did NOT do it alone. We had many people help us in recovery. Often we were provided with food, shelter, etc. when a lot of us went to treatment. Most of us had to accept emotional and spiritual help from a drug counselor or two. For some addicts/alcoholics it is too much to have to "step down" from the high horse of grandiosity to accept spiritual help from a drug counselor or a recovering addict. Our egos tend to get huge and stretched very thin when we are actively using substances.
Oh, yes, and grandiosity is something too, that a lot of us needed help with.
We have each other too. We often need help from other addicts. Using addicts usually have "more important" things to do (like getting high) to help us out. But often we can count on recovering addicts and alcoholics. If we get cravings we can call someone in the program.
If we have tragedy happen, we can call someone in the program to help us out with our possibly overwhelming emotions.
We don't need to feel trusting to accept help. We can still be suspicious of others motives, and still accept help! We can go to a meeting in spite of how nervous or suspicious we are. We can think what we want or do.... As long as those feelings and thoughts don't get in the way of recovery. Thoughts and feelings won't kill us, but it is likely that abusing drugs and alcohol will. We all need help getting rid of drugs. We often need medical help with withdrawals. And, it seems, a lot of us have some kind of mental illness that may have provoked our self-medication in the first place that needs treatment.
For me, help with my mind was the hardest to accept. I have a good mind, but I have chemical imbalances in my brain. I'm still not that forthcoming with thoughts a lot of the time. I did not reach out to a psychiatrist for my depression. I figured it was all situational. I thought my mental/emotional condition would eventually straighten itself out. It evolved (or rather, devolved) into schizophrenia..... And while I was psychotic -- I still didn't want help. I wanted to fix it myself. There is no such thing as being smart enough to fix the chemical imbalances of the brain. One cannot outsmart a real illness! Eventually though, things got so bad that I HAD to accept help from someone. I had no choice. I was practically kicking and screaming in protest however.
I'm a good one for pretending everything is okay a lot of the time. And now that I'm in recovery, I don't have to pretend -- everything often is okay for real.
Part of recovery is the twelfth step work we do (after we've done the eleven other steps -- of course). We must reach out to help others. We share our experience, strength and hope and hope that it helps someone else. We encourage others to stay in recovery. People need people to find serenity. Now, I'm not talking about codependent neediness, but we do need people in our lives to stay recovered and content. We often provide rides to meetings, we sponsor each other, we are available to answer the phone and the door to other recovering people.
We reach out to those who are still suffering. We let them know that we are not their doormat, but we are willing to help them find a better way of life....
God/dess wants us to appreciate each other for our special talents and abilities so God/dess lets us lean on one another. To help others and accept help in our spiritual growth is a higher path.... No wo/man is an island and knows everything there is to know. God/dess meant it to be this way.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The Holidays
Well, Christmas and New Year's Day are coming up soon and I've been thinking a bit about them. Christmas happens to be one of my favorite holidays. Possibly my favorite, after Halloween. Although I could do without the frigid temperatures and multiple feet of snow.... I've lived through several "green Christmases" and I don't mind there not being snow. Truth be told, I really hate snow... even on Christmas!
I have not spent the holidays with family in over 20 years now. They have never called me on the holidays or sent me cards, much less invited me over.... It was always me that called them on Christmas and Thanksgiving. They've complained about me moving around a lot since I moved away from my parents, but I really didn't move too much, and I always gave them my new phone number and address when I've moved. Since I committed my crime, I no longer feel obligated to talk to people who have legally made it so I cannot contact them, and it's okay. However, I still love Christmas. I refuse to be one of those lonely depressed meandering souls on Christmas. Perhaps it helped that that was the only time of year my stepmonster was mellow and mostly cheerful when I was growing up. She would actually bake cookies and stuff. We, my brother and I, actually got to spend time in the living room on that holiday. (The rest of the year it was either spend time in our bedrooms or in the basement. Most of the time it was the basement for us.) Christmas became a peaceful time of year to me, because of that.
I usually spend my holidays with friends. For its friends that I'm most thankful for in my life. I've spent periods where I was convinced I had no friends. Those were rough patches....
When I was using I missed seven Christmases. I really cannot, for the life of me, remember what I did during those Christmases I was addicted. That's one of the things that's been on my mind lately concerning the holidays. It's a bit disturbing to not remember one of one's favorite holidays.... I think I just plain refused to celebrate any of the holidays during those years.
Not that it's an excuse to use, but at the beginning of my addiction I was fed up with the behavior of a very close friend who I had spent about 9-10 of the previous holiday seasons with. We treated each other as family on the holidays usually. I enjoyed spending time with her and her family on the holidays. She, however, often used me for free child care without payment OR thanks. She would have lost her kids in her custody battle with her violent ex husband if I hadn't been there to care for them when she could or would not. Or someone would have called CPS on her. She rarely got up before noon and young children need their breakfast and supervision in the mornings, especially if they are too young to know not to run outside into the street! She never said a bad word about her ex husband; it was her mother who told me that he had thrown a dinner platter at her head. I never liked the man, he used to beat the crap out of Samantha (his daughter) while potty training her. He hit on me several times even though I adamantly said I was NOT interested. She never once, during the custody battle mentioned his violence. Ah, well, her behavior and denial is customary for an addict.... She does like her pain pills for her cough-less bronchitis....
Ah, but, I AM thankful the kids were never removed from their family. I am thankful that I got to help raise kids after giving up my first daughter for adoption. It was nice to get to know a child or two, even though I don't really know my own. You see, my old best friend is Cajun and I know for a fact that CPS is really hard on Native American people. She doesn't really trust anybody that is full blooded anything, including whites. So she doesn't seek help much for her issues.... Prejudice is real, and I'm positive it would have worked against her in a custody battle of any kind. Often white authority figures want to kill the spirituality of many Native Americans. They want them to integrate into white society. They want them to work for other white people often. It doesn't seem to matter that PTSD (and addiction) interferes with her working (some stupid wage slave job) in a serious way. She has problems in college for the same reasons.... I had the time and the energy for many years -- so I decided I could help with the kids.
I can't think about Christmas without thinking about her and her family. I often miss them -- although I'm not sure I miss my old best friend, herself.... I think the lack of gratitude burned me out a little. That and the lack of a desire to get better....
This holiday season, I have many things to be grateful for....
I've lived in this town long enough that I have finally got a circle of friends to spend time with. I have a few old friends back in my life too that I can talk to about the stuff that happened "back then." I have my own apartment. I am grateful that I can have spaghetti on Christmas without irritating any one! (I live alone!) I may not be getting many gifts this year, but that was never what it was about to me.... I was a weird kid, I loved giving more then receiving even then. It was fun watching people's faces when they'd open their gifts! I'm not sure I really will be able to buy too much for others this year either.... However this year, I think I will make fudge and give that to people!
I am grateful that I will be able to remember this Christmas! This Christmas may actually be worth remembering since I have those friends (and a cool sponsor) to spend it with, too.
I have not spent the holidays with family in over 20 years now. They have never called me on the holidays or sent me cards, much less invited me over.... It was always me that called them on Christmas and Thanksgiving. They've complained about me moving around a lot since I moved away from my parents, but I really didn't move too much, and I always gave them my new phone number and address when I've moved. Since I committed my crime, I no longer feel obligated to talk to people who have legally made it so I cannot contact them, and it's okay. However, I still love Christmas. I refuse to be one of those lonely depressed meandering souls on Christmas. Perhaps it helped that that was the only time of year my stepmonster was mellow and mostly cheerful when I was growing up. She would actually bake cookies and stuff. We, my brother and I, actually got to spend time in the living room on that holiday. (The rest of the year it was either spend time in our bedrooms or in the basement. Most of the time it was the basement for us.) Christmas became a peaceful time of year to me, because of that.
I usually spend my holidays with friends. For its friends that I'm most thankful for in my life. I've spent periods where I was convinced I had no friends. Those were rough patches....
When I was using I missed seven Christmases. I really cannot, for the life of me, remember what I did during those Christmases I was addicted. That's one of the things that's been on my mind lately concerning the holidays. It's a bit disturbing to not remember one of one's favorite holidays.... I think I just plain refused to celebrate any of the holidays during those years.
Not that it's an excuse to use, but at the beginning of my addiction I was fed up with the behavior of a very close friend who I had spent about 9-10 of the previous holiday seasons with. We treated each other as family on the holidays usually. I enjoyed spending time with her and her family on the holidays. She, however, often used me for free child care without payment OR thanks. She would have lost her kids in her custody battle with her violent ex husband if I hadn't been there to care for them when she could or would not. Or someone would have called CPS on her. She rarely got up before noon and young children need their breakfast and supervision in the mornings, especially if they are too young to know not to run outside into the street! She never said a bad word about her ex husband; it was her mother who told me that he had thrown a dinner platter at her head. I never liked the man, he used to beat the crap out of Samantha (his daughter) while potty training her. He hit on me several times even though I adamantly said I was NOT interested. She never once, during the custody battle mentioned his violence. Ah, well, her behavior and denial is customary for an addict.... She does like her pain pills for her cough-less bronchitis....
Ah, but, I AM thankful the kids were never removed from their family. I am thankful that I got to help raise kids after giving up my first daughter for adoption. It was nice to get to know a child or two, even though I don't really know my own. You see, my old best friend is Cajun and I know for a fact that CPS is really hard on Native American people. She doesn't really trust anybody that is full blooded anything, including whites. So she doesn't seek help much for her issues.... Prejudice is real, and I'm positive it would have worked against her in a custody battle of any kind. Often white authority figures want to kill the spirituality of many Native Americans. They want them to integrate into white society. They want them to work for other white people often. It doesn't seem to matter that PTSD (and addiction) interferes with her working (some stupid wage slave job) in a serious way. She has problems in college for the same reasons.... I had the time and the energy for many years -- so I decided I could help with the kids.
I can't think about Christmas without thinking about her and her family. I often miss them -- although I'm not sure I miss my old best friend, herself.... I think the lack of gratitude burned me out a little. That and the lack of a desire to get better....
This holiday season, I have many things to be grateful for....
I've lived in this town long enough that I have finally got a circle of friends to spend time with. I have a few old friends back in my life too that I can talk to about the stuff that happened "back then." I have my own apartment. I am grateful that I can have spaghetti on Christmas without irritating any one! (I live alone!) I may not be getting many gifts this year, but that was never what it was about to me.... I was a weird kid, I loved giving more then receiving even then. It was fun watching people's faces when they'd open their gifts! I'm not sure I really will be able to buy too much for others this year either.... However this year, I think I will make fudge and give that to people!
I am grateful that I will be able to remember this Christmas! This Christmas may actually be worth remembering since I have those friends (and a cool sponsor) to spend it with, too.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Relationships
I am staying away from romantic relationships for awhile....
It seems to me that men just expect too much. I have a difficult enough time cleaning up after myself. I've got enough emotional baggage of my own that I don't need someone else's too.
"One of the biggest stumbling blocks seems to be in placing unrealistic expections on ourselves or others. Relationships can be a terribly painful area."
Basic Text pg 78
Before I became an addict I had several "relationships" with men who had pushed me into sex and/or taken advantage of me. I guess it was an unrealistic expectation that they treat me with decency and respect. I'm not sure it was my issue of self respect that made me go back for more abuse..... It was more in the spirit of forgiveness and tolerance for me. I thought I could teach them to be better people, to learn the value of being "good," to touch me the way I wanted to be touched, etc. I was a very confused person. I believed that if they must "desire" me that much it must be love. I'd get a physical reaction often when they'd touch me that I could not help and I was certain, on some level, that that was what encouraged them to take me further then I wanted to go. I was so certain they could "see right through me." It was quite a pattern -- I'd tell male "friends" up front that I was not interested in a "sexual relationship" and they'd all ignore it. I was also clinically depressed -- at times severely depressed -- and had a hard enough time seeing any kind of hope.
A lot of these men were also addicts or alcoholics (or both.) They often promoted and pushed drug use upon me. I got so tired of running from addicts that I just gave in. The pot smokers seemed the least disturbed by reality -- so I thought if I smoked it too, my reality wouldn't disturb me any more.
I was married once to a very abusive alcoholic I met in the Navy when I was enlisted. That relationship lasted three long years. He convinced me to try LSD for the first time. He'd rape me while we were "frying." He never asked permission or took "no" for an answer when he wanted it. He just started grabbing my body parts and kissing me like a fish. He never quit doing oral sex when I wanted to quit. He never would stop grinding around on top of me till I had an "orgasm" first. He loved to drink and smoke pot and do LSD. He rarely had a job. I often faked it with him just to get him to climb off of me. He, of course, never listened to what I wanted in bed. There was no affection allowed -- hugs always went further then I wanted them to.
I learned when I was little that men often wanted one thing. I learned that it took a lot of figuring out how to outsmart them into not wanting that from me any more. It seemed like such an awful lot of work to get a man to quit taking that thing from me. It seemed a lot easier to just give them what they wanted. I was afraid that I would get punched in the face if I fought back too much. It never seems to occur to me to scream for help. When I was little and getting raped, I couldn't breathe well enough to scream, and it never became a habit.
These "relationships" -- including my marraige and those following (which seemed like being married to my ex all over again) really traumatized me. I have been taken advantage of by at least 50 men over my lifetime. Often repeatedly. It gave me all the excuses I needed to use drugs. I thought that they would help me cope with the pain. I figured if it would give me pleasure it would take away the pain. Pleasure doesn't get rid of pain though as I soon found out. Being high started to make me anxious all the time. There was nobody to talk to about it either that I knew of at the time. My whole family refuses to believe in sexual abuse and that it could have happened to me. Most of my family has a drug or alcohol problem and thrives on denial. Some of my family is also sexually abusive. I can't have relationships with people I can't be honest with so I am staying out of my familial relationships as well. A lot of people really believe they are the "black sheep" without actually being that. I'm certain I am.... Being in recovery from mental illness, depression, drug addiction, and PTSD makes me even more of a black sheep. I don't believe my family believes in recovery, mental illness, depression, that they are addicts or that sexual abuse causes PTSD. They don't accept that these things interfere with "finding a good job" and "keeping up with the Joneses." That, and it was totally unacceptable to all of them that I committed a crime against one of my abusers. They subsequently disowned me and took out "no contact" orders against me. I guess it was the "last straw." To me, it was like having a tumor removed -- it hurt, but I felt much better afterward.
Friendship to me is the only relationship worth having. I really love my friends. I take care of my friends. I don't stay where I'm not wanted either. I believe to have friends, one must be a friend. My friends are my family. I believe that real friendship is a two way street, and I no longer feed the leeches. I've learned that respecting myself is also an action. I figured that out when I was using, and have continued to learn about respecting myself more since I've found recovery. I've also learned that the truth can be an effective weapon against predatory types if it is coupled with a kind of fearlessness. I know it isn't my fault if one of those types decides to hit me. I'm not really afraid of pain or death and will tell the worst monsters off if I have to. I will point out their flaws to their faces. I will call it out as I see it if I feel I am being taken advantage of. I will not go back for more anymore. I will escape from them as soon as possible. I will enlist the aid of others if necessary -- although I've found the police and DA's to be the least helpful of allies to me.....
I also have my relationship with Jesus and the Goddess. (I believe in both entities) They keep me from feeling lonely. I know there is life after this and I will get to see my mother again if I do die. It wasn't till I found recovery that the whole concept of there being a real higher power started to make sense. That is, recovery from mental illnesses and drug addiction. In jail, I was given a bookmark that said "God is Love" That's when it all began to make sense. I don't know if it was "just" my mental illness that made me see angels and Jesus when I was addicted, but now I know that those kinds of things are real. To me it just isn't worth it to find a romantic relationship and with my close relationship to my higher power(s) I almost never get lonely. Plus I really enjoy my freedom and being single. I only have me to clean up after! I don't have to report where I am going or when I'll be back. I LIKE sleeping alone and can hog the bed and covers to myself! Quite frankly, my uncle spoiled french kissing for me, and I don't really like that much either. I guess I'm just having too much fun to have it any other way. Life is good nowadays. I find that without the "sexual curiousity" I get in less trouble. I don't respond well to being "hit on" and am not the least bit curious about men who "hit on" me any more -- no matter how honest it seems.
I'm not afraid to be rude if I need to -- to people looking for sexual and/or drugging partners. I guess that's what it takes. My sanity is just too valuable to me now.
It seems to me that men just expect too much. I have a difficult enough time cleaning up after myself. I've got enough emotional baggage of my own that I don't need someone else's too.
"One of the biggest stumbling blocks seems to be in placing unrealistic expections on ourselves or others. Relationships can be a terribly painful area."
Basic Text pg 78
Before I became an addict I had several "relationships" with men who had pushed me into sex and/or taken advantage of me. I guess it was an unrealistic expectation that they treat me with decency and respect. I'm not sure it was my issue of self respect that made me go back for more abuse..... It was more in the spirit of forgiveness and tolerance for me. I thought I could teach them to be better people, to learn the value of being "good," to touch me the way I wanted to be touched, etc. I was a very confused person. I believed that if they must "desire" me that much it must be love. I'd get a physical reaction often when they'd touch me that I could not help and I was certain, on some level, that that was what encouraged them to take me further then I wanted to go. I was so certain they could "see right through me." It was quite a pattern -- I'd tell male "friends" up front that I was not interested in a "sexual relationship" and they'd all ignore it. I was also clinically depressed -- at times severely depressed -- and had a hard enough time seeing any kind of hope.
A lot of these men were also addicts or alcoholics (or both.) They often promoted and pushed drug use upon me. I got so tired of running from addicts that I just gave in. The pot smokers seemed the least disturbed by reality -- so I thought if I smoked it too, my reality wouldn't disturb me any more.
I was married once to a very abusive alcoholic I met in the Navy when I was enlisted. That relationship lasted three long years. He convinced me to try LSD for the first time. He'd rape me while we were "frying." He never asked permission or took "no" for an answer when he wanted it. He just started grabbing my body parts and kissing me like a fish. He never quit doing oral sex when I wanted to quit. He never would stop grinding around on top of me till I had an "orgasm" first. He loved to drink and smoke pot and do LSD. He rarely had a job. I often faked it with him just to get him to climb off of me. He, of course, never listened to what I wanted in bed. There was no affection allowed -- hugs always went further then I wanted them to.
I learned when I was little that men often wanted one thing. I learned that it took a lot of figuring out how to outsmart them into not wanting that from me any more. It seemed like such an awful lot of work to get a man to quit taking that thing from me. It seemed a lot easier to just give them what they wanted. I was afraid that I would get punched in the face if I fought back too much. It never seems to occur to me to scream for help. When I was little and getting raped, I couldn't breathe well enough to scream, and it never became a habit.
These "relationships" -- including my marraige and those following (which seemed like being married to my ex all over again) really traumatized me. I have been taken advantage of by at least 50 men over my lifetime. Often repeatedly. It gave me all the excuses I needed to use drugs. I thought that they would help me cope with the pain. I figured if it would give me pleasure it would take away the pain. Pleasure doesn't get rid of pain though as I soon found out. Being high started to make me anxious all the time. There was nobody to talk to about it either that I knew of at the time. My whole family refuses to believe in sexual abuse and that it could have happened to me. Most of my family has a drug or alcohol problem and thrives on denial. Some of my family is also sexually abusive. I can't have relationships with people I can't be honest with so I am staying out of my familial relationships as well. A lot of people really believe they are the "black sheep" without actually being that. I'm certain I am.... Being in recovery from mental illness, depression, drug addiction, and PTSD makes me even more of a black sheep. I don't believe my family believes in recovery, mental illness, depression, that they are addicts or that sexual abuse causes PTSD. They don't accept that these things interfere with "finding a good job" and "keeping up with the Joneses." That, and it was totally unacceptable to all of them that I committed a crime against one of my abusers. They subsequently disowned me and took out "no contact" orders against me. I guess it was the "last straw." To me, it was like having a tumor removed -- it hurt, but I felt much better afterward.
Friendship to me is the only relationship worth having. I really love my friends. I take care of my friends. I don't stay where I'm not wanted either. I believe to have friends, one must be a friend. My friends are my family. I believe that real friendship is a two way street, and I no longer feed the leeches. I've learned that respecting myself is also an action. I figured that out when I was using, and have continued to learn about respecting myself more since I've found recovery. I've also learned that the truth can be an effective weapon against predatory types if it is coupled with a kind of fearlessness. I know it isn't my fault if one of those types decides to hit me. I'm not really afraid of pain or death and will tell the worst monsters off if I have to. I will point out their flaws to their faces. I will call it out as I see it if I feel I am being taken advantage of. I will not go back for more anymore. I will escape from them as soon as possible. I will enlist the aid of others if necessary -- although I've found the police and DA's to be the least helpful of allies to me.....
I also have my relationship with Jesus and the Goddess. (I believe in both entities) They keep me from feeling lonely. I know there is life after this and I will get to see my mother again if I do die. It wasn't till I found recovery that the whole concept of there being a real higher power started to make sense. That is, recovery from mental illnesses and drug addiction. In jail, I was given a bookmark that said "God is Love" That's when it all began to make sense. I don't know if it was "just" my mental illness that made me see angels and Jesus when I was addicted, but now I know that those kinds of things are real. To me it just isn't worth it to find a romantic relationship and with my close relationship to my higher power(s) I almost never get lonely. Plus I really enjoy my freedom and being single. I only have me to clean up after! I don't have to report where I am going or when I'll be back. I LIKE sleeping alone and can hog the bed and covers to myself! Quite frankly, my uncle spoiled french kissing for me, and I don't really like that much either. I guess I'm just having too much fun to have it any other way. Life is good nowadays. I find that without the "sexual curiousity" I get in less trouble. I don't respond well to being "hit on" and am not the least bit curious about men who "hit on" me any more -- no matter how honest it seems.
I'm not afraid to be rude if I need to -- to people looking for sexual and/or drugging partners. I guess that's what it takes. My sanity is just too valuable to me now.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Recovery Is Reality
Recovery is all about dealing with reality. It IS reality for me and many others who are in recovery. Recovery is all about being real. It's about facing and showing our real selves. I almost feel sorry for those who don't find any kind of recovery, whether it be from addiction, alcoholism, abuse, gambling, overeating, etc.... It is a reality that there is a higher place, and the higher we go the better we feel and the better off we are.
I used to feel so isolated and alone. Before I started using regularly, I was very much into becoming "enlightened." Other's didn't seem to be interested in enlightenment much.... Of course, I was not hanging out with recovering people then. I used to use I statements. I'd try to compromise in conflicts. I tried to show love to others. Few people would even meet me halfway. It seemed like most of the conflicts I was involved in involved accusations or people giving me orders without explanations or compassion for my feelings.
I've said this before; love is my higher power. Love is a reality. Love exists. Love is real! It is around even if we are using, clinically depressed, or certifiably insane.... I found love before I found recovery. Perhaps it was tainted with other's addictive behaviors, but it was always there and very real. I found love when I was actively addicted too, but I ran away from it. I'm not talking about romantic love, necessarily, either. To me, true friendship is the highest form of love there is. I had real friends. I found people who took care of me for brief periods of time when I was homeless and addicted. People gave to me. I was given money, food, shelter, clothing and transportation. Few of those people wanted anything in return.
Love helped restore my faith in humanity. It is of course, tempered with skepticism. I've had enough people lie to me, use me, and take advantage of me. I used to be such a sucker for a good sob story....
Love was such a rare commodity in my family. I've learned from my experiences that my kind of family is rarer then I thought it was. I've heard other war stories from recovering people about their families.... Love should never be "earned." It is meant to be given freely and shared. It is meant to be passed on to others. I was the kind of kid that was always shocked when I found out my elders were doing something wrong. I usually hid in denial when I found out they were breaking the law or doing immoral things. I was not the kind of kid that reported abuse. I guess I learned at an early age I wasn't worthy of love; to love myself was conceit, or something.
My love could not fix it! I tried to fix it a lot. I was also the kind of kid that used to think that if I couldn't do it myself, what could someone else possibly do about it?
My stubbornness (which runs in my family) is good for something though. I am stubborn about solving puzzles and figuring things out. I want to know how things work. I wanted to know how God worked. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know why my parents were so uptight. My stubbornness has kept me in recovery. It keeps me doing things that are good for me. It keeps me trying to become the kind of parent I thought my parents should be. I am an avid reader of all kinds of stuff. I read long ago -- somewhere -- that love should be unconditional. From that point on I wondered why I was not getting unconditional love from family. I love love (be that good or bad -- that is the way I am.)
I am rather new to the area I am living in. I am having to build up my support system from scratch. My family wants nothing to do with me these days. I am not spending holidays with them, and it's been about 20 years since I was welcome in a family member's house on the holidays. The friends I spent the holidays with in the past are addicts, unfortunately. They live far away, and would not be good for me to be with now that I have the reality of recovery. Reality isn't always fuzzy pink clouds and rainbows and butterflies. It isn't always peaceful. Some people really object to me finding recovery. Some people really object to the truth. Seems some live their entire lives in denial -- although, granted, the truth is too hard to deal with while on drugs -- too shocking. Reality can be scary.
Reality, though is rich with experiences, emotions and yes, love. Love is my reality. I live and breathe love. I show love to mostly everyone. Love is mostly about giving, but it is also about graciously receiving. Love is about telling others the truth -- even if they don't like it or misunderstand. Love is about being honest, open minded and willing. I'm sure my new friends do feel love for me, even if it is a new love. Love is real! Love gets stronger in recovery, because addiction weakens our ability to give and receive love. Love is very frightening to an addict. Which explains why I was scared of everything, including love, when I was addicted. Love was an ideal when I was using, now it is my reality. I am no longer alone in trying to find that higher love. I am no longer alone in seeking enlightenment. I am no longer a lonely spiritual type.
For that I am grateful!
Oh, and I no longer let immoral, illegal acts slide. Sometimes love means choosing sides. I choose sides with the victims (or survivors). Sometimes love means sticking up for the underdog. I love myself enough to not let myself be victimized any more. God and Goddess love me too. They loved me before others showed me love, and definitely before I loved and took care of myself emotionally. I know that means loving myself unconditionally..... I am recovering from abuse too, and that is reality too. We won't find reality when we are escaping from it with chemicals and substances. We won't recover from our pain until we start to actually recover. That is a fact and therefore, reality. I am not perfect and I love it! The real me is not so screwed up any more, and people accept the real me easier then they used to because I am recovering. It is okay to be me; that, too, is reality. I also love my imperfect friends dearly. I feel good about myself -- even when reality is unpleasant -- because of love, and that is priceless.
I used to feel so isolated and alone. Before I started using regularly, I was very much into becoming "enlightened." Other's didn't seem to be interested in enlightenment much.... Of course, I was not hanging out with recovering people then. I used to use I statements. I'd try to compromise in conflicts. I tried to show love to others. Few people would even meet me halfway. It seemed like most of the conflicts I was involved in involved accusations or people giving me orders without explanations or compassion for my feelings.
I've said this before; love is my higher power. Love is a reality. Love exists. Love is real! It is around even if we are using, clinically depressed, or certifiably insane.... I found love before I found recovery. Perhaps it was tainted with other's addictive behaviors, but it was always there and very real. I found love when I was actively addicted too, but I ran away from it. I'm not talking about romantic love, necessarily, either. To me, true friendship is the highest form of love there is. I had real friends. I found people who took care of me for brief periods of time when I was homeless and addicted. People gave to me. I was given money, food, shelter, clothing and transportation. Few of those people wanted anything in return.
Love helped restore my faith in humanity. It is of course, tempered with skepticism. I've had enough people lie to me, use me, and take advantage of me. I used to be such a sucker for a good sob story....
Love was such a rare commodity in my family. I've learned from my experiences that my kind of family is rarer then I thought it was. I've heard other war stories from recovering people about their families.... Love should never be "earned." It is meant to be given freely and shared. It is meant to be passed on to others. I was the kind of kid that was always shocked when I found out my elders were doing something wrong. I usually hid in denial when I found out they were breaking the law or doing immoral things. I was not the kind of kid that reported abuse. I guess I learned at an early age I wasn't worthy of love; to love myself was conceit, or something.
My love could not fix it! I tried to fix it a lot. I was also the kind of kid that used to think that if I couldn't do it myself, what could someone else possibly do about it?
My stubbornness (which runs in my family) is good for something though. I am stubborn about solving puzzles and figuring things out. I want to know how things work. I wanted to know how God worked. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know why my parents were so uptight. My stubbornness has kept me in recovery. It keeps me doing things that are good for me. It keeps me trying to become the kind of parent I thought my parents should be. I am an avid reader of all kinds of stuff. I read long ago -- somewhere -- that love should be unconditional. From that point on I wondered why I was not getting unconditional love from family. I love love (be that good or bad -- that is the way I am.)
I am rather new to the area I am living in. I am having to build up my support system from scratch. My family wants nothing to do with me these days. I am not spending holidays with them, and it's been about 20 years since I was welcome in a family member's house on the holidays. The friends I spent the holidays with in the past are addicts, unfortunately. They live far away, and would not be good for me to be with now that I have the reality of recovery. Reality isn't always fuzzy pink clouds and rainbows and butterflies. It isn't always peaceful. Some people really object to me finding recovery. Some people really object to the truth. Seems some live their entire lives in denial -- although, granted, the truth is too hard to deal with while on drugs -- too shocking. Reality can be scary.
Reality, though is rich with experiences, emotions and yes, love. Love is my reality. I live and breathe love. I show love to mostly everyone. Love is mostly about giving, but it is also about graciously receiving. Love is about telling others the truth -- even if they don't like it or misunderstand. Love is about being honest, open minded and willing. I'm sure my new friends do feel love for me, even if it is a new love. Love is real! Love gets stronger in recovery, because addiction weakens our ability to give and receive love. Love is very frightening to an addict. Which explains why I was scared of everything, including love, when I was addicted. Love was an ideal when I was using, now it is my reality. I am no longer alone in trying to find that higher love. I am no longer alone in seeking enlightenment. I am no longer a lonely spiritual type.
For that I am grateful!
Oh, and I no longer let immoral, illegal acts slide. Sometimes love means choosing sides. I choose sides with the victims (or survivors). Sometimes love means sticking up for the underdog. I love myself enough to not let myself be victimized any more. God and Goddess love me too. They loved me before others showed me love, and definitely before I loved and took care of myself emotionally. I know that means loving myself unconditionally..... I am recovering from abuse too, and that is reality too. We won't find reality when we are escaping from it with chemicals and substances. We won't recover from our pain until we start to actually recover. That is a fact and therefore, reality. I am not perfect and I love it! The real me is not so screwed up any more, and people accept the real me easier then they used to because I am recovering. It is okay to be me; that, too, is reality. I also love my imperfect friends dearly. I feel good about myself -- even when reality is unpleasant -- because of love, and that is priceless.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sharing the Real Me
Today's entry in Just For Today says "If we are to share our innermost selves with others, we must first have an idea of what those innermost selves are truly like."
Getting to know oneself is a life long journey I think. We do change sometimes when we grow older. We discover new talents. We discover new feelings. We have new reactions to our feelings. There are things we simply did not know about ourselves. There are things we discover we are capable of that we did not know we were. Our state of mind changes all the time. Some have said that the only constant is change. To some degree, too, we can decide who we are or will be. We have some choice in what kind of person we are.
It is impossible to share all of ourselves at a single meeting. We do have to decide what to share and what not to share. We usually want to stick to the topic unless there is something more urgent going on that demands our attention. I think it would take most of a lifetime to share all of me with another human being. True intimacy is people really getting to know one another. That means taking risks.... It can be scary to share what is really going on inside with others. But in truly intimate relationships we should have plenty of time to work up the courage to share all of ourselves. There is no rush to confess our innermost fears to virtual strangers..... That probably wouldn't be wise anyway. There are plenty of real predators out there, and predators see fear as weakness. They would capitalize on such feelings....
I spent a lot of time getting to know myself before I became addicted. Recovery has been, to some degree, relearning some of my old habits. I was constantly reflecting. Of course, before I became addicted, the lens I was looking through could've been considered "cloudy" because I had clinical depression for over 20 years before I became addicted. The person I knew myself to be back then felt suicidal most of the time. I didn't believe that anyone was powerless over any aspect of themselves back then. I thought that if I meditated enough, exercised enough, was tolerant enough, talked to God/dess and prayed hard enough, did enough good deeds -- some thankless, helped others out enough, was green enough, etc. I would feel better. Looking back I can see quite clearly that I was powerless over my depression.
My self esteem improved before my depression was treated. That had a lot to do with me just deciding to escape from those predatory types as quickly as possible. I used to try to educate them and help them with their self esteem. I know now I was much too tolerant of their shenanigans. I really did not know any better. Nobody taught me about how to deal with those kinds of men, much less effective means of dealing with them. I know it isn't a woman's fault when she gets hit by a man -- but I know I don't want to give those kinds of men any excuses to hit me either. I know I never want to get facial reconstructive surgery or anything like that.... So I just started to leave those kinds of men behind me as quickly as possible and trusting my gut.
Unfortunately this way of coping cost me a couple of friendships with women who were also too tolerant of abuse. They defended those kinds of men, and decided that I was doing something wrong by refusing to put up with verbal and sexual abuse. Those "friends" denied my experiences.
Oh well, such is life, some people will never accept who we really are. I have learned through experience that it isn't worth it to force my real personality on others. I've never been one of those people who wished I were someone else. I've always thought that I was fine just being me. Maybe it's my own "sour grapes" story, but what other people have and do never seemed worth the price they paid to get it. I've always had some faith that things would improve for me. I've always been introspective enough to know that I could change what I didn't like about myself eventually. I'm a little bit stubborn, too, and I'm not the kind of person who would just lay down and die or pull the covers over my head and hide for long. Other people simply don't have what I want. I can get my own, thank you very much....
I've found too, through experience that people who have a problem with the "real me" as they perceive me, are often projecting their own repressed personality traits onto me. It's been said "you spot it, you got it." I try not to do this. I try to remain non judgmental of others. It takes time to get to know real people and what is really true about them. It takes time to see others clearly.... It helps if there is honest intimacy going on. I don't trust others right off the bat. I tend to project my good traits on monsters at times: things that simply aren't really there....
I put the real me out there. I'm not always talkative, in fact, I am not very talkative at all, but I'm always me. People can like it or lump it. It helps me not to get too attached to others. Detachment from others who I have feelings for can be very helpful. People have the right to do what they do as long as they aren't victimizing someone. I don't have the right to try and control them, and I expect others to give me the same right. I have the right and responsibility to be real, and I need patience to find those who like and love the real me. Those are the friendships that are worthwhile to me.
Getting to know oneself is a life long journey I think. We do change sometimes when we grow older. We discover new talents. We discover new feelings. We have new reactions to our feelings. There are things we simply did not know about ourselves. There are things we discover we are capable of that we did not know we were. Our state of mind changes all the time. Some have said that the only constant is change. To some degree, too, we can decide who we are or will be. We have some choice in what kind of person we are.
It is impossible to share all of ourselves at a single meeting. We do have to decide what to share and what not to share. We usually want to stick to the topic unless there is something more urgent going on that demands our attention. I think it would take most of a lifetime to share all of me with another human being. True intimacy is people really getting to know one another. That means taking risks.... It can be scary to share what is really going on inside with others. But in truly intimate relationships we should have plenty of time to work up the courage to share all of ourselves. There is no rush to confess our innermost fears to virtual strangers..... That probably wouldn't be wise anyway. There are plenty of real predators out there, and predators see fear as weakness. They would capitalize on such feelings....
I spent a lot of time getting to know myself before I became addicted. Recovery has been, to some degree, relearning some of my old habits. I was constantly reflecting. Of course, before I became addicted, the lens I was looking through could've been considered "cloudy" because I had clinical depression for over 20 years before I became addicted. The person I knew myself to be back then felt suicidal most of the time. I didn't believe that anyone was powerless over any aspect of themselves back then. I thought that if I meditated enough, exercised enough, was tolerant enough, talked to God/dess and prayed hard enough, did enough good deeds -- some thankless, helped others out enough, was green enough, etc. I would feel better. Looking back I can see quite clearly that I was powerless over my depression.
My self esteem improved before my depression was treated. That had a lot to do with me just deciding to escape from those predatory types as quickly as possible. I used to try to educate them and help them with their self esteem. I know now I was much too tolerant of their shenanigans. I really did not know any better. Nobody taught me about how to deal with those kinds of men, much less effective means of dealing with them. I know it isn't a woman's fault when she gets hit by a man -- but I know I don't want to give those kinds of men any excuses to hit me either. I know I never want to get facial reconstructive surgery or anything like that.... So I just started to leave those kinds of men behind me as quickly as possible and trusting my gut.
Unfortunately this way of coping cost me a couple of friendships with women who were also too tolerant of abuse. They defended those kinds of men, and decided that I was doing something wrong by refusing to put up with verbal and sexual abuse. Those "friends" denied my experiences.
Oh well, such is life, some people will never accept who we really are. I have learned through experience that it isn't worth it to force my real personality on others. I've never been one of those people who wished I were someone else. I've always thought that I was fine just being me. Maybe it's my own "sour grapes" story, but what other people have and do never seemed worth the price they paid to get it. I've always had some faith that things would improve for me. I've always been introspective enough to know that I could change what I didn't like about myself eventually. I'm a little bit stubborn, too, and I'm not the kind of person who would just lay down and die or pull the covers over my head and hide for long. Other people simply don't have what I want. I can get my own, thank you very much....
I've found too, through experience that people who have a problem with the "real me" as they perceive me, are often projecting their own repressed personality traits onto me. It's been said "you spot it, you got it." I try not to do this. I try to remain non judgmental of others. It takes time to get to know real people and what is really true about them. It takes time to see others clearly.... It helps if there is honest intimacy going on. I don't trust others right off the bat. I tend to project my good traits on monsters at times: things that simply aren't really there....
I put the real me out there. I'm not always talkative, in fact, I am not very talkative at all, but I'm always me. People can like it or lump it. It helps me not to get too attached to others. Detachment from others who I have feelings for can be very helpful. People have the right to do what they do as long as they aren't victimizing someone. I don't have the right to try and control them, and I expect others to give me the same right. I have the right and responsibility to be real, and I need patience to find those who like and love the real me. Those are the friendships that are worthwhile to me.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Trust
Ah, yes, trust.... Trust is a difficult one for me. There are few people I really trust. Trust with me, is earned.
It took me a long time to trust my higher power, which is love. Love was something unfamiliar coming from other people. People often said things I did NOT want to hear. I had learned from my nightmare marriage not to trust people who did say the things I wanted to hear all the time. Since people tend to do one or the other, I didn't really trust anyone.
When I was almost four years old, I lost my mom to a car accident. It took me a long time to recover from that. There was not a lot of love for me from my stepdad. He often disciplined me with corporal punishment (with my pants down) My stepdad and his wife had little patience with me, and I was often disciplined for simply crying. I did not understand why God had "taken away" my mother. I learned too, that I couldn't trust other children either. One incident that stands out in my mind is when a bunch of neighborhood kids made a ring around an injured crow and stoned it to death. I guess I couldn't understand why anyone would want something living to die. I felt guilty because I had thrown one stone at first, but I stopped and tried to get the other kids to stop too. I remember feeling bad, too, about eating meat.... But, I did not have much choice about finishing my dinner in that home.
It was probably 30 years after the death of my mother that I began to trust my higher power. I realized that my higher power had consistently, albeit slowly, gotten me out of several abusive situations. My higher power had found good adoptive parents for my two daughters. My higher power had found me places to live. My higher power helped me find safe shelter when I was travelling around hitchiking. My higher power often warned me about people that were untrustworthy -- because I'd often get a feeling about people who weren't so savory, and I was very rarely wrong.
With trusting other people, I find it very helpful to carry a minimum of expectations. If you don't expect too much from other people (who are not predatory I must say) they will rarely let you down. I also find it helpful to not compare my insides to their outsides. I can see common ground better that way. I am, basically, a nice person, and not everyone is nice! I used to deny that little warning feeling I'd get because I thought there had to be a nice, compassionate person inside the monsters I'd met, just waiting to come out. All they needed was a little "encouragement."
I've been through a lot of abuse at the hands of men. I find it much easier to trust other women then men. I know that even with all the cattiness and jealousy and other things that women do when they are being "evil" they simply cannot hurt me as much as abusive men can. I'm not saying that women can't do damage; they simply can't do as much destruction as men can. And, men can be masters of head games, cattiness, jealousy, etc. too.
I know that my mistrust of men goes a little too far at times. Other times I am too trusting of strange men. Its easy for a man to lose my trust. They say "curiousity killed the cat" and my curiousity often gets me in trouble with predatory types....
Trusting yourself is very important. It may take time, when you have done things that you really regret in addiction to learn to trust yourself. It's okay to lean on that higher power until you can trust yourself to say "no" to drugs and alcohol. It's very hard to repair one's self esteem when one does not trust oneself!
Today, I trust myself. I trust my sponsor. I trust my Higher Power. I trust several women friends I have made. I don't really have any men in my life right now that I do trust -- but I'm sure it will still take time to undo the damage that was done to me at the hands of men. I know I can walk past the bars. I know I can trust myself to walk away from drugs. I know I can trust myself to say no to cravings (which are rare nowadays). I know that trusting my higher power is also known as faith. Faith is important in recovery. Patience is good to develop with yourself if you are new to recovery. A lack of faith and trust seems to be the hallmark of many a newcomer. If you are new to recovery, give yourself time to develop these things. It takes a little while to see clearly.
Above all, don't beat yourself up for not being immediately healthy!
It took me a long time to trust my higher power, which is love. Love was something unfamiliar coming from other people. People often said things I did NOT want to hear. I had learned from my nightmare marriage not to trust people who did say the things I wanted to hear all the time. Since people tend to do one or the other, I didn't really trust anyone.
When I was almost four years old, I lost my mom to a car accident. It took me a long time to recover from that. There was not a lot of love for me from my stepdad. He often disciplined me with corporal punishment (with my pants down) My stepdad and his wife had little patience with me, and I was often disciplined for simply crying. I did not understand why God had "taken away" my mother. I learned too, that I couldn't trust other children either. One incident that stands out in my mind is when a bunch of neighborhood kids made a ring around an injured crow and stoned it to death. I guess I couldn't understand why anyone would want something living to die. I felt guilty because I had thrown one stone at first, but I stopped and tried to get the other kids to stop too. I remember feeling bad, too, about eating meat.... But, I did not have much choice about finishing my dinner in that home.
It was probably 30 years after the death of my mother that I began to trust my higher power. I realized that my higher power had consistently, albeit slowly, gotten me out of several abusive situations. My higher power had found good adoptive parents for my two daughters. My higher power had found me places to live. My higher power helped me find safe shelter when I was travelling around hitchiking. My higher power often warned me about people that were untrustworthy -- because I'd often get a feeling about people who weren't so savory, and I was very rarely wrong.
With trusting other people, I find it very helpful to carry a minimum of expectations. If you don't expect too much from other people (who are not predatory I must say) they will rarely let you down. I also find it helpful to not compare my insides to their outsides. I can see common ground better that way. I am, basically, a nice person, and not everyone is nice! I used to deny that little warning feeling I'd get because I thought there had to be a nice, compassionate person inside the monsters I'd met, just waiting to come out. All they needed was a little "encouragement."
I've been through a lot of abuse at the hands of men. I find it much easier to trust other women then men. I know that even with all the cattiness and jealousy and other things that women do when they are being "evil" they simply cannot hurt me as much as abusive men can. I'm not saying that women can't do damage; they simply can't do as much destruction as men can. And, men can be masters of head games, cattiness, jealousy, etc. too.
I know that my mistrust of men goes a little too far at times. Other times I am too trusting of strange men. Its easy for a man to lose my trust. They say "curiousity killed the cat" and my curiousity often gets me in trouble with predatory types....
Trusting yourself is very important. It may take time, when you have done things that you really regret in addiction to learn to trust yourself. It's okay to lean on that higher power until you can trust yourself to say "no" to drugs and alcohol. It's very hard to repair one's self esteem when one does not trust oneself!
Today, I trust myself. I trust my sponsor. I trust my Higher Power. I trust several women friends I have made. I don't really have any men in my life right now that I do trust -- but I'm sure it will still take time to undo the damage that was done to me at the hands of men. I know I can walk past the bars. I know I can trust myself to walk away from drugs. I know I can trust myself to say no to cravings (which are rare nowadays). I know that trusting my higher power is also known as faith. Faith is important in recovery. Patience is good to develop with yourself if you are new to recovery. A lack of faith and trust seems to be the hallmark of many a newcomer. If you are new to recovery, give yourself time to develop these things. It takes a little while to see clearly.
Above all, don't beat yourself up for not being immediately healthy!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Acceptance
Acceptance is not only critical to recovery; it is critical to our peace of mind and to our emotional health!
When I was younger, I found a lot of things about me and others totally unacceptable. It may have something to do with the way I was raised.... Not to place blame on anyone, but it is very hard to accept oneself when one's parents and family find everything unacceptable. Acceptance is not the province of addicts and alcoholics. Most of my family is addicted to something. They found most of what I did totally unacceptable. They did not accept me for what I was at all. My stepmother, for example, had me confused with a slut -- a fat slut. She could not see that I was something of a nerd -- a bookworm. She was constantly telling me to do something constructive when I was spending time writing or reading. By constructive she meant raking the lawn usually (for free).
It took me years to accept myself for what I was. I was learning self acceptance before I became addicted. Some things about myself were unacceptable to me, and I think that contributed to my addiction. I have a serious mental illness, and that was unacceptable -- not only to me, but to my family as well. What made it really tough to deal with was that around the time my mental illness became full blown, I had just had a baby. There was a lot of "unacceptable" stuff going on at the time. The father was a convicted date rapist who had also sexually abused me. The case worker (who was assigned to me after I left town with the baby -- hitchhiking no less -- to get away from three stalkers, including the father) was very prejudiced against the mentally ill. Every time she'd turn in reports to the court, she would write 9-10 paragraphs against me, and one lonely paragraph against the father. My parents refused to accept the fact they were grandparents.... None of my family stepped forward to adopt her.....
I just could not accept my mental illness, and I could not accept that I had become addicted to marijuana within the two years prior to her birth. I thought all of the hallucinations, delusions and paranoia could be blamed on the drug use -- which, of course, I could "quit anytime." I did know in the back of my mind, that marijuana does not cause constant hallucinating, but it was not acceptable to me. If I had accepted these things about myself, maybe I would have been allowed to raise her. I guess one thing that made no sense to me was CPS demanding that I go to treatment for marijuana addiction, but not the father who was, and probably still is, a crack addict. He got unsupervised visits with her before I did. This, too, was totally unacceptable to me.... It was a deciding factor in me giving her up to the foster family for adoption....
"Acceptance leads to recovery." Basic Text, chapter 3, page 16.
The first step is all about acceptance. We have to accept both that we have a problem that we are powerless over, and that our lives are unmanageable. Step two is about acceptance too. It is about accepting that we are not gods, that there is a power higher then ourselves that will help us.
We have to accept that there is something wrong before we can change it.
Self acceptance is crucial. It makes it possible to find peace with ourselves. We have to accept our defects. We have to accept our assets. We learn to accept ourselves when we take an honest look at who we really are. What is unacceptable we can change. This includes feelings. We can change the way we feel if we really want to -- sometimes this takes a change of perception. To change the way we feel requires accepting the way we do feel now. We need to accept our full range of feelings. We often find self acceptance when we share our inventories with someone else in step five. It often begins when someone accepts us for what we are. God/dess or our higher power is very accepting of us, and it is a higher place when we learn to accept ourselves the way that God/dess does. We find true humility when we accept both our liabilities and assets. Acceptance, of course, does not include beating ourselves up!
"Freedom to change seems to come after acceptance of ourselves," Basic Text, Chapter 5, page 56
Self acceptance leads to being more accepting of others, warts and all. It becomes much harder to judge another person negatively for traits we ourselves possess. If we accept that those traits are a part of us too.
Of course, some behaviors in others are unacceptable -- things like emotional, physical and sexual abuse. We don't have to accept others using drugs around us. We can walk away from those situations. Accepting others, too, does not mean that we shouldn't put up boundaries. We can accept things about others and still accept ourselves. To do this we need our boundaries.
It can take years to learn to accept ourselves and thus, others. We must also accept that the path to wellness takes time.
In today's Keep It Simple entry, they use this quote from the Grapevine in the introduction, "Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 percent sobriety"
When I was younger, I found a lot of things about me and others totally unacceptable. It may have something to do with the way I was raised.... Not to place blame on anyone, but it is very hard to accept oneself when one's parents and family find everything unacceptable. Acceptance is not the province of addicts and alcoholics. Most of my family is addicted to something. They found most of what I did totally unacceptable. They did not accept me for what I was at all. My stepmother, for example, had me confused with a slut -- a fat slut. She could not see that I was something of a nerd -- a bookworm. She was constantly telling me to do something constructive when I was spending time writing or reading. By constructive she meant raking the lawn usually (for free).
It took me years to accept myself for what I was. I was learning self acceptance before I became addicted. Some things about myself were unacceptable to me, and I think that contributed to my addiction. I have a serious mental illness, and that was unacceptable -- not only to me, but to my family as well. What made it really tough to deal with was that around the time my mental illness became full blown, I had just had a baby. There was a lot of "unacceptable" stuff going on at the time. The father was a convicted date rapist who had also sexually abused me. The case worker (who was assigned to me after I left town with the baby -- hitchhiking no less -- to get away from three stalkers, including the father) was very prejudiced against the mentally ill. Every time she'd turn in reports to the court, she would write 9-10 paragraphs against me, and one lonely paragraph against the father. My parents refused to accept the fact they were grandparents.... None of my family stepped forward to adopt her.....
I just could not accept my mental illness, and I could not accept that I had become addicted to marijuana within the two years prior to her birth. I thought all of the hallucinations, delusions and paranoia could be blamed on the drug use -- which, of course, I could "quit anytime." I did know in the back of my mind, that marijuana does not cause constant hallucinating, but it was not acceptable to me. If I had accepted these things about myself, maybe I would have been allowed to raise her. I guess one thing that made no sense to me was CPS demanding that I go to treatment for marijuana addiction, but not the father who was, and probably still is, a crack addict. He got unsupervised visits with her before I did. This, too, was totally unacceptable to me.... It was a deciding factor in me giving her up to the foster family for adoption....
"Acceptance leads to recovery." Basic Text, chapter 3, page 16.
The first step is all about acceptance. We have to accept both that we have a problem that we are powerless over, and that our lives are unmanageable. Step two is about acceptance too. It is about accepting that we are not gods, that there is a power higher then ourselves that will help us.
We have to accept that there is something wrong before we can change it.
Self acceptance is crucial. It makes it possible to find peace with ourselves. We have to accept our defects. We have to accept our assets. We learn to accept ourselves when we take an honest look at who we really are. What is unacceptable we can change. This includes feelings. We can change the way we feel if we really want to -- sometimes this takes a change of perception. To change the way we feel requires accepting the way we do feel now. We need to accept our full range of feelings. We often find self acceptance when we share our inventories with someone else in step five. It often begins when someone accepts us for what we are. God/dess or our higher power is very accepting of us, and it is a higher place when we learn to accept ourselves the way that God/dess does. We find true humility when we accept both our liabilities and assets. Acceptance, of course, does not include beating ourselves up!
"Freedom to change seems to come after acceptance of ourselves," Basic Text, Chapter 5, page 56
Self acceptance leads to being more accepting of others, warts and all. It becomes much harder to judge another person negatively for traits we ourselves possess. If we accept that those traits are a part of us too.
Of course, some behaviors in others are unacceptable -- things like emotional, physical and sexual abuse. We don't have to accept others using drugs around us. We can walk away from those situations. Accepting others, too, does not mean that we shouldn't put up boundaries. We can accept things about others and still accept ourselves. To do this we need our boundaries.
It can take years to learn to accept ourselves and thus, others. We must also accept that the path to wellness takes time.
In today's Keep It Simple entry, they use this quote from the Grapevine in the introduction, "Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 percent sobriety"
Monday, October 13, 2008
Newcomers
"The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away."
There is a reason for this.... The newcomer is in danger of giving up. They are in danger of going back out, and using. The first few days to weeks of giving up their drug of choice can be really rough. They say, "don't give up before the miracle happens." It will probably get worse before it gets better. A lot of drugs, including alcohol, cause physical withdrawal symptoms. Sometimes they are deadly. Sometimes a newcomer needs to go to detox and/or treatment. But, soon, it will start getting better and better if a person sticks with the program.
Since I've been raising my hand at meetings when they ask if anyone wants to be a sponsor, I've met several newcomers. I still don't really have much experience sponsoring anyone. My sponsees seem to keep going back out. Those I've tried to give the program to, don't seem to want it. I have a couple of books on sponsorship. I have my own sponsor who teaches me by example. I'm still figuring out how I want to lay down boundaries with sponsees. Most of my potential sponsees meet with me once or not at all, and I don't get the chance to lay down boundaries with them. A lot of them have gone back out. Some of them weren't even clean and sober when they asked me. I refuse to chase those people around. Who knows what kind of nightmare I could walk into....
My philosophy is not to get too attached to newcomers. Perhaps it is an issue of self preservation. I don't want to lose anyone I am close to to a drug overdose. I don't want to get in fights -- especially petty ones. I'm not into "female competition" for the attention of some stupid guy. Most women who are actively using are very competitive for men, and some of them aren't so nice about it. I'm very happily divorced and single. I don't miss the sex thing at all. I don't like it when people compete with me even when I am not competing with them for the sex thing. Also, if I am around people who are actively using they tempt me unnecessarily to use, myself. I don't like being lied to. I don't like being BSed. The drug world is not one I would, nowadays willingly go back to.
Many people in recovery say they would much rather give resentments then get them. I've even heard people in recovery say that if you haven't given newcomers resentments, you aren't doing your job right. Well to some extent I understand where these philosophies come from. I'm not always sure where the line is, and I don't like to start arguments, but if I can save a life, I will do it. Sometimes it isn't always clear how to go about doing that, and we are powerless over others. People tend to hear what they want to hear, unless they are listening. Actively using addicts are notoriously bad listeners.... I know that popularity isn't anywhere near as important to me now that I am nearly 40, as it was when I was nearly 18! I am not, (never really have been) a yes person or an arse kisser, but I still don't like stepping on toes.
I was a newcomer to this program late in my recovery. I had three years of forced sobriety before I ever attended my first meeting. I did voluntarily go to treatment where I was locked up at after those three years of white knuckling it. It's hard for me to picture staying clean and sober of someone's own free will. It took me so long to want it. I admire those newcomers who seem to want what I have.
Its very hard for me to communicate the peace and serenity I feel most of the time. I guess what makes me feel peaceful would stress most people out. I communicate freely about ugly issues. It keeps me from bottling them up inside. It keeps me free from stress for the most part. I communicate the positive and the negative. I call it like I see it. I know I never saw much very clearly when I was using.... At least I know that now. Before I became addicted and after I got into recovery I could see what was going on pretty well. Drugs distort everything; they blind us, Drugs lie. Drugs don't help us to see when someone else IS to blame for our problems.... It becomes all about us when we are using. We become victims, but it also becomes all our own fault when we are in addiction.
I got to tell you, if you are a newcomer, keep coming back. All it takes is a desire to stop using (or drinking) to qualify. You don't have to say anything or admit anything right away. As a matter of fact it is recommended that you "sit down, shut up and listen" for awhile. You don't need to figure it out. Nobody expects you to do anything but everyone hopes and prays you will stay clean and sober. It's too much to expect you to stay clean and sober, apparently. Keep coming back, newcomers. Life can be very good without the substances.
Basic Text, Chapter 2, p. 9
There is a reason for this.... The newcomer is in danger of giving up. They are in danger of going back out, and using. The first few days to weeks of giving up their drug of choice can be really rough. They say, "don't give up before the miracle happens." It will probably get worse before it gets better. A lot of drugs, including alcohol, cause physical withdrawal symptoms. Sometimes they are deadly. Sometimes a newcomer needs to go to detox and/or treatment. But, soon, it will start getting better and better if a person sticks with the program.
Since I've been raising my hand at meetings when they ask if anyone wants to be a sponsor, I've met several newcomers. I still don't really have much experience sponsoring anyone. My sponsees seem to keep going back out. Those I've tried to give the program to, don't seem to want it. I have a couple of books on sponsorship. I have my own sponsor who teaches me by example. I'm still figuring out how I want to lay down boundaries with sponsees. Most of my potential sponsees meet with me once or not at all, and I don't get the chance to lay down boundaries with them. A lot of them have gone back out. Some of them weren't even clean and sober when they asked me. I refuse to chase those people around. Who knows what kind of nightmare I could walk into....
My philosophy is not to get too attached to newcomers. Perhaps it is an issue of self preservation. I don't want to lose anyone I am close to to a drug overdose. I don't want to get in fights -- especially petty ones. I'm not into "female competition" for the attention of some stupid guy. Most women who are actively using are very competitive for men, and some of them aren't so nice about it. I'm very happily divorced and single. I don't miss the sex thing at all. I don't like it when people compete with me even when I am not competing with them for the sex thing. Also, if I am around people who are actively using they tempt me unnecessarily to use, myself. I don't like being lied to. I don't like being BSed. The drug world is not one I would, nowadays willingly go back to.
Many people in recovery say they would much rather give resentments then get them. I've even heard people in recovery say that if you haven't given newcomers resentments, you aren't doing your job right. Well to some extent I understand where these philosophies come from. I'm not always sure where the line is, and I don't like to start arguments, but if I can save a life, I will do it. Sometimes it isn't always clear how to go about doing that, and we are powerless over others. People tend to hear what they want to hear, unless they are listening. Actively using addicts are notoriously bad listeners.... I know that popularity isn't anywhere near as important to me now that I am nearly 40, as it was when I was nearly 18! I am not, (never really have been) a yes person or an arse kisser, but I still don't like stepping on toes.
I was a newcomer to this program late in my recovery. I had three years of forced sobriety before I ever attended my first meeting. I did voluntarily go to treatment where I was locked up at after those three years of white knuckling it. It's hard for me to picture staying clean and sober of someone's own free will. It took me so long to want it. I admire those newcomers who seem to want what I have.
Its very hard for me to communicate the peace and serenity I feel most of the time. I guess what makes me feel peaceful would stress most people out. I communicate freely about ugly issues. It keeps me from bottling them up inside. It keeps me free from stress for the most part. I communicate the positive and the negative. I call it like I see it. I know I never saw much very clearly when I was using.... At least I know that now. Before I became addicted and after I got into recovery I could see what was going on pretty well. Drugs distort everything; they blind us, Drugs lie. Drugs don't help us to see when someone else IS to blame for our problems.... It becomes all about us when we are using. We become victims, but it also becomes all our own fault when we are in addiction.
I got to tell you, if you are a newcomer, keep coming back. All it takes is a desire to stop using (or drinking) to qualify. You don't have to say anything or admit anything right away. As a matter of fact it is recommended that you "sit down, shut up and listen" for awhile. You don't need to figure it out. Nobody expects you to do anything but everyone hopes and prays you will stay clean and sober. It's too much to expect you to stay clean and sober, apparently. Keep coming back, newcomers. Life can be very good without the substances.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
The NA Way
The way of Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual way. Working the steps is a big part of NA. The steps will bring us closer to the Spirit if we do them right. God/dess does not want us to be a slave to anyone or anything. The NA way should set us free, if we put any effort into it at all.
I white-knuckled it for the first 3 1/2 years I was in recovery. Of course, I was in jail for 1 1/2 years of that time where they did not have meetings for us, and while I was in the institution, I did not attend the meetings they had there. I was so unsure that I was actually addicted to marijuana -- after all -- it isn't supposed to be addictive. (But, then again, neither is alcohol, and some folks get addicted to alcohol anyway.)
I had attempted a few of the steps, like step 3 and step 11. Step 12 happened to me anyway while I was still in jail. Some of the jail's religious people were giving out bookmarks and I received one that said "God is love." Things began to make sense to me after that. I really do believe that love makes the world go round.
I finally went to the treatment unit during my last year in the institution. I did go to the meetings they had there. I did a lot of listening and very little talking. I read through most of the Big Book and the Basic Text. We didn't really have a lot of the meditation books that are available. We didn't have any of the literature that is read at the beginning of normal meetings. The meetings rarely lasted more then 15-20 minutes. I didn't trust a lot of the men there. There were a few perverts in the treatment unit, and I didn't feel like giving them any ammunition or information they might perceive as weakness. I DID listen however. I even got in trouble a few times and they refused to give me more privileges because I was so quiet. In our AODA class, they mostly talked about the hard drugs -- which I had nothing good to say about and very little experience with. They also talked about withdrawal, which I did not have physical withdrawal symptoms.
Lo and behold, though, while I was in the treatment unit, my cravings stopped. I stopped having using dreams for the most part. I guess they thought I was going to fail.... I did, too. I thought I might, as soon as I got out of the intstitution, go and have a drink or two. I figured what could the harm in that be. I never had much tolerance for alcohol, and I know what social drinking is. I had never had a problem limiting myself to two drinks. I did however have serious problems controlling my marijuana use. I never could make the stuff last, and it did not make me hurl like alcohol does. That's probably the reason I don't really miss drinking all that much -- it usually made me feel crappy unless I stopped at two drinks. Needless to say, I did not go drinking after I got out. Several people had warned us that drinking could lead back to our drug of choice, and I must've listened to them.
The NA way is a way of life. We feel much better when we own up to our mistakes and then can leave them behind us. We can feel useful when we help others. We can get out of ourselves (escape) for awhile when we help others. I, personally, was able to go back to being able to read and enjoy books. It was awfully hard to read while stoned.... We get back our freedom to choose. We get back more money we can spend on stuff like food, clothes, even luxuries.
Drug addiction leads to jails, institutions, dereliction and death. This is not freedom. Addiction is definitely a form of slavery. We have to make so many concessions and sometimes moral compromises when we use. It doesn't help us feel good about ourselves either. Oh sure, using can make us feel elated for a little while, but there is no substitute for feeling good ABOUT ourselves. I know I made a few compromises while using. I drove while I was stoned. I smoked weed in front of young children. It surely seemed that I couldn't help myself. When I'd come down I'd feel like crap about doing these things, and I knew that telling people about them would mean that I'd end up in jail... so I kept those feelings locked up inside.
For a long time, I thought that NA and AA WERE a form of slavery. I believed that they were some kind of cult. I thought that marijuana was the way out of my misery. You see, with my clinical depression, I did not think that they would allow me to use anything to help my depression and it's accompanying, constant, suicidal thoughts and urges. I did not want to be told how to believe in God, either.
I realized though, a few years after I was locked up that I needed some kind of support. That's why I asked to be transferred to the treatment unit. There I found people who had feelings similar to mine. Although I tried to make friends with people there, it seemed I was the only one making contact with a lot of the women I met there. Most of them were new to recovery, and many of them relapsed I'm sure. People who stay in recovery tend to be a minority. Some of the people I met in the institution died while I was in recovery. I realized then that the antidepressants were really helping me.... I haven't experienced any black depressions since I've been taking them, even after I've lost people. I still miss those friends I had that died, but it simply did not floor me like it was when I was depressed.
Some people in recovery are anti-medications. I'm not one of them. Some of us need them. I know that I would not be able to string together two coherent sentences without them. I know I would've committed suicide without them. The NA way is not about abstaining from necessary medications prescribed by a doctor, no matter what anyone says. It is, however, about freedom from slavery, which is what God and spirituality are all about.
I white-knuckled it for the first 3 1/2 years I was in recovery. Of course, I was in jail for 1 1/2 years of that time where they did not have meetings for us, and while I was in the institution, I did not attend the meetings they had there. I was so unsure that I was actually addicted to marijuana -- after all -- it isn't supposed to be addictive. (But, then again, neither is alcohol, and some folks get addicted to alcohol anyway.)
I had attempted a few of the steps, like step 3 and step 11. Step 12 happened to me anyway while I was still in jail. Some of the jail's religious people were giving out bookmarks and I received one that said "God is love." Things began to make sense to me after that. I really do believe that love makes the world go round.
I finally went to the treatment unit during my last year in the institution. I did go to the meetings they had there. I did a lot of listening and very little talking. I read through most of the Big Book and the Basic Text. We didn't really have a lot of the meditation books that are available. We didn't have any of the literature that is read at the beginning of normal meetings. The meetings rarely lasted more then 15-20 minutes. I didn't trust a lot of the men there. There were a few perverts in the treatment unit, and I didn't feel like giving them any ammunition or information they might perceive as weakness. I DID listen however. I even got in trouble a few times and they refused to give me more privileges because I was so quiet. In our AODA class, they mostly talked about the hard drugs -- which I had nothing good to say about and very little experience with. They also talked about withdrawal, which I did not have physical withdrawal symptoms.
Lo and behold, though, while I was in the treatment unit, my cravings stopped. I stopped having using dreams for the most part. I guess they thought I was going to fail.... I did, too. I thought I might, as soon as I got out of the intstitution, go and have a drink or two. I figured what could the harm in that be. I never had much tolerance for alcohol, and I know what social drinking is. I had never had a problem limiting myself to two drinks. I did however have serious problems controlling my marijuana use. I never could make the stuff last, and it did not make me hurl like alcohol does. That's probably the reason I don't really miss drinking all that much -- it usually made me feel crappy unless I stopped at two drinks. Needless to say, I did not go drinking after I got out. Several people had warned us that drinking could lead back to our drug of choice, and I must've listened to them.
The NA way is a way of life. We feel much better when we own up to our mistakes and then can leave them behind us. We can feel useful when we help others. We can get out of ourselves (escape) for awhile when we help others. I, personally, was able to go back to being able to read and enjoy books. It was awfully hard to read while stoned.... We get back our freedom to choose. We get back more money we can spend on stuff like food, clothes, even luxuries.
Drug addiction leads to jails, institutions, dereliction and death. This is not freedom. Addiction is definitely a form of slavery. We have to make so many concessions and sometimes moral compromises when we use. It doesn't help us feel good about ourselves either. Oh sure, using can make us feel elated for a little while, but there is no substitute for feeling good ABOUT ourselves. I know I made a few compromises while using. I drove while I was stoned. I smoked weed in front of young children. It surely seemed that I couldn't help myself. When I'd come down I'd feel like crap about doing these things, and I knew that telling people about them would mean that I'd end up in jail... so I kept those feelings locked up inside.
For a long time, I thought that NA and AA WERE a form of slavery. I believed that they were some kind of cult. I thought that marijuana was the way out of my misery. You see, with my clinical depression, I did not think that they would allow me to use anything to help my depression and it's accompanying, constant, suicidal thoughts and urges. I did not want to be told how to believe in God, either.
I realized though, a few years after I was locked up that I needed some kind of support. That's why I asked to be transferred to the treatment unit. There I found people who had feelings similar to mine. Although I tried to make friends with people there, it seemed I was the only one making contact with a lot of the women I met there. Most of them were new to recovery, and many of them relapsed I'm sure. People who stay in recovery tend to be a minority. Some of the people I met in the institution died while I was in recovery. I realized then that the antidepressants were really helping me.... I haven't experienced any black depressions since I've been taking them, even after I've lost people. I still miss those friends I had that died, but it simply did not floor me like it was when I was depressed.
Some people in recovery are anti-medications. I'm not one of them. Some of us need them. I know that I would not be able to string together two coherent sentences without them. I know I would've committed suicide without them. The NA way is not about abstaining from necessary medications prescribed by a doctor, no matter what anyone says. It is, however, about freedom from slavery, which is what God and spirituality are all about.
Monday, September 29, 2008
God's Will
As a child I was very confused about what God or Goddess wanted from me or for me, for that matter. My abusive parents used to drop me off at Bible Study, where I was treated like some kind of demon spawn because I had questions about the things in Sunday School that didn't seem to make sense.... I used to argue with the woman who taught the class, and she would get very upset at my questions and my pointing out flaws in the logic. Things that stood out to me were the lectures on Hell (they gave me nightmares where I would see walls of fire.) I didn't believe in Hell for a very long time because they told me liars went there, and I knew my mother (who died when I was three) must've lied to her parents before. I knew she was not in Hell. I also didn't understand why God would turn a woman into a pillar of salt for simple disobedience. I certainly didn't believe in Lot's innocence when his daughters "seduced" him, because I had been raped as a child.... I remember not understanding all the fear that I was learning from the church. I remember not believing the story of Noah at all. I didn't understand all the double standards for women, especially because I was a tomboy. I did not believe I was "inherently evil" I also remember getting disgusted with the church when I saw how much fun it was throwing a dreidl, and not understanding their lack of love for other religions, especially Judaism...
There were just too many white people in that church too. I noticed it. I knew my adopted mom's people had to have another religion. She is Native American. I also wondered about this "Mother Nature" character. If there was no feminine divine person, why did so many people call Her Mother Nature?
I've come to believe that I can't take the Bible at face value. Even some things that Jesus said seemed to contradict things in the Old Testament. I had questions that went unanswered for a long time, because Jesus was kind to children, and my stepfather was not. I don't recall Jesus hitting one child. Solomon preached violence towards children, but Jesus didn't practice that at all. I used to believe from time to time that I deserved the ill treatment I got. I used to believe it actually did "hurt him more then me," from time to time. I used to argue with him. He'd tell me it was all my own fault.... For a long time I believed that men just couldn't help it. After all, I had really ticked him off so much that he couldn't help himself.... And I think I believed the story of Adam and Eve for about five minutes.... After all, snakes didn't talk to me!
I was soooooooo angry with God, because I just couldn't believe most of the Bible the way it's written! I was angry at God because He took my mother away from me, and the only kindness I got growing up was from teachers, and sometimes my adopted mom. I was a very angry child and of course, that was totally unacceptable to my family. I was a very sad child too. I didn't snap out of it until I was treated with antidepressants at the age of 33. I was a very frightened child.
For a very long time I believed that God and the Devil were the same person/entity. I've believed for a long time that it was God in charge of Hell (when I believed in Hell during my lifetime). I didn't see why God would put, basically, a criminal in charge of people's souls. I thought maybe that God was getting us back through diseases and such for the way we treat animals. I think people forget that animals are God's creatures too, and God helps them find food, too!
I've come to believe since then that God and Goddess' will for us is to love and be loved. If our deepest longings and images of the kind of people we would like to be are what God wants us to be, then God must want what's best for us. I've come to the conclusion that God is kind. God and Goddess want us to get closer to Them of our own free will because They love us. God and Goddess are just too. God and Goddess have to do justice to people who've been wronged. I think part of God's justice is having us live with being separated from loved ones (when they die, etc.) because when we live here, we often separate ourselves from Them. Also, They take people to live in a better place when those people just cannot take anymore. God and Goddess do want us to understand Them to the best of our ability. The more love we have and feel the closer we are to Love, which is what the Spirit is, to me!
I think God and Goddess led me down many widely diverse religious paths so that I could see the truth that Love is everywhere. Love is in all religions. Love is in most people. God's will, in my humble opinion, is the will to love. It is our will to show love to other people in spite of how we may feel at the moment. God and Goddess want us to love them, unconditionally.
I don't believe that God did turn Lot's wife into a pillar of salt. I firmly do not believe that all the double standards for men and women come from God. And I don't believe that only men can attain spiritual heights. But it seems that only spiritual men get respected for their minds and hearts. Men do not have to go through labor and I guarantee it's impossible to maintain serenity while in labor! Extreme pain, emotional, mental and/or physical, is a challenge to anyone's peace of mind. Most of the men who've attained greatness as spiritual people simply did not have to go through large amounts of pain. It's impossible to feel peaceful, and next to impossible to maintain good will towards others all the time when one is undergoing torment or agony! But after the pain passes (it will) we can reconnect, if we felt disconnected.... We must learn how to cope with pain without using drugs and such. They don't help even people who aren't addicted to them....
Unfortunately, addicts who started drugging and/or drinking at a young age will find this difficult. Those addicts have to cope with pain at the level at which children do, because as we deal with pain growing up, we develop a higher and higher threshhold. If we don't deal with it growing up or as adults, it will hurt more..... Drugs and alcohol kill pain. That is what they do..... Pain becomes kind of raw after we quit. Pain (most of the time) means that something is wrong. When people say pain is your friend, it means that it is warning that something is wrong.... Faith can help with pain, even physical pain. Pain doesn't come from God, but it is God's will that we learn to cope with it as it is a messenger. (And that's another thing, I simply don't believe the story that God hurts women giving birth as punishment!)
I hear the pain stops when we die. I don't know if that's true or not, but surely we must still miss people even on the other side. I guess learning to cope with it is part of the Plan. Love is like a rose, I've heard it said, and roses have thorns.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Positive Thinking
Positive thinking seems to be today's theme. I have five recovery meditation books and three of them talked about postitive thinking for today....
I used to be such a pessimist when I was younger. I was also depressed. The two things fed on each other. Nothing was going right, even when it was.... I didn't start using drugs regularly until I was 25. I think my attitude had a lot to do with my decision to just give in to drugs, as well as the depression.
Gratitude doesn't fix clinical depression. I tried that for awhile. It wasn't making me feel any better. I gave up on it. I gave up on life, I guess. I had had many bad experiences with men, and forgot that many of the men I had as teachers had been decent. I had a very negative opinion of men, in general.
Gratitude can fix a negative attitude. It can fix negative thinking. If we look around to find the good things, we will surely find some.... Part of having a positive attitude and/or outlook is seeing the good in any situation.
I've noticed that a lot of people are very negative about themselves too. A lot of people seem to think very badly of themselves. I notice it when people are beating themselves up, because I used to do it all the time. A good inventory includes our assets, too. We all have assets. We have to notice these things about ourself. I think having a positive way of looking at ourself is half the battle, really. Affirmations can help. Some people write down their affirmations and stick them on the mirror. I firmly believe that smiling at oneself in the mirror is a good tool for learning to think more positively about ourselves. It is unlikely that God/dess thinks as little of you as you do!
God/dess does not expect perfection from us....
To think positively requires something of a thick skin. If you take criticism to heart, or take things personally a lot (like I used to) you will have a hard time thinking positively about yourself or anything you are attempting to do. Better to wonder what the critics agenda is then to take it to heart. Thinking positively can help us develop a thicker skin, and a thick skin can help us be more positive.
The desire to escape, too, isn't all bad. It isn't good to take those little mental vacations that drugs and alcohol provide, but a literal escape from our problems can be very helpful. We can often gain perspective on our problems from a distance. It helps to be able to see the "forest for the trees." Go do something fun. Take a break from stressful situations. You might just come back with a new solution. Do something new; it can help you reconnect with the Spirit. I'm not suggesting running from problems, here, just taking a vacation, (although running from domestic violence is sometimes the sanest thing to do.)
Looking back (they say hindsight is 20/20) I didn't do too badly in spite of having such a bad attitude. I don't live with my parents. I healed from all the abuse mostly -- although there is still some healing left to do. Negativity won't kill you right away. But it does increase stress, which can make us fat, sick and unpopular. It can keep us from jobs. It usually leads to using....
A lot of people believe that you attract to you what you think about. I happen to believe there are some exceptions to that. I believe there IS some randomness to life. There is, however, some truth to that. If we believe we deserve good things, and that good things will and have happened to us, we will find out that that's the truth, mostly. I'm not suggesting that one take on the blind kind of Pollyanna attitude, but we do tend to attract to us what we believe we deserve. (I don't believe in "Peter Pan advice.) I believe the reason for that is that God/dess sees what our hearts desire is and gives that to us. It isn't as mysterious as it seems, and it wouldn't happen without a God or Goddess. Some people seem to believe that they have all this "power of attraction" and there is nothing answering their secret unspoken prayers. We simply aren't that powerful, thoughts are merely thoughts....
Oh, and one last thing, don't beat yourself up for having negative thoughts sometimes. Everyone has them. It only creates more negativity.
Please, don't feed the monsters....
I used to be such a pessimist when I was younger. I was also depressed. The two things fed on each other. Nothing was going right, even when it was.... I didn't start using drugs regularly until I was 25. I think my attitude had a lot to do with my decision to just give in to drugs, as well as the depression.
Gratitude doesn't fix clinical depression. I tried that for awhile. It wasn't making me feel any better. I gave up on it. I gave up on life, I guess. I had had many bad experiences with men, and forgot that many of the men I had as teachers had been decent. I had a very negative opinion of men, in general.
Gratitude can fix a negative attitude. It can fix negative thinking. If we look around to find the good things, we will surely find some.... Part of having a positive attitude and/or outlook is seeing the good in any situation.
I've noticed that a lot of people are very negative about themselves too. A lot of people seem to think very badly of themselves. I notice it when people are beating themselves up, because I used to do it all the time. A good inventory includes our assets, too. We all have assets. We have to notice these things about ourself. I think having a positive way of looking at ourself is half the battle, really. Affirmations can help. Some people write down their affirmations and stick them on the mirror. I firmly believe that smiling at oneself in the mirror is a good tool for learning to think more positively about ourselves. It is unlikely that God/dess thinks as little of you as you do!
God/dess does not expect perfection from us....
To think positively requires something of a thick skin. If you take criticism to heart, or take things personally a lot (like I used to) you will have a hard time thinking positively about yourself or anything you are attempting to do. Better to wonder what the critics agenda is then to take it to heart. Thinking positively can help us develop a thicker skin, and a thick skin can help us be more positive.
The desire to escape, too, isn't all bad. It isn't good to take those little mental vacations that drugs and alcohol provide, but a literal escape from our problems can be very helpful. We can often gain perspective on our problems from a distance. It helps to be able to see the "forest for the trees." Go do something fun. Take a break from stressful situations. You might just come back with a new solution. Do something new; it can help you reconnect with the Spirit. I'm not suggesting running from problems, here, just taking a vacation, (although running from domestic violence is sometimes the sanest thing to do.)
Looking back (they say hindsight is 20/20) I didn't do too badly in spite of having such a bad attitude. I don't live with my parents. I healed from all the abuse mostly -- although there is still some healing left to do. Negativity won't kill you right away. But it does increase stress, which can make us fat, sick and unpopular. It can keep us from jobs. It usually leads to using....
A lot of people believe that you attract to you what you think about. I happen to believe there are some exceptions to that. I believe there IS some randomness to life. There is, however, some truth to that. If we believe we deserve good things, and that good things will and have happened to us, we will find out that that's the truth, mostly. I'm not suggesting that one take on the blind kind of Pollyanna attitude, but we do tend to attract to us what we believe we deserve. (I don't believe in "Peter Pan advice.) I believe the reason for that is that God/dess sees what our hearts desire is and gives that to us. It isn't as mysterious as it seems, and it wouldn't happen without a God or Goddess. Some people seem to believe that they have all this "power of attraction" and there is nothing answering their secret unspoken prayers. We simply aren't that powerful, thoughts are merely thoughts....
Oh, and one last thing, don't beat yourself up for having negative thoughts sometimes. Everyone has them. It only creates more negativity.
Please, don't feed the monsters....
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Past Mistakes
I am a work in progress.... I don't spend a lot of time beating myself up for the mistakes I've made. Wisdom takes time.... Wisdom takes a lot of time. Decades, in fact....
My path has been one of seeking enlightenment. I've tried many things on that path. Some of them worked, some of them didn't. When I was a kid, I felt wise beyond my years. But I still ended up making a lot of the same mistakes my peers made. I felt like I had to grow up too fast. I felt like I had to leave the things of childhood behind too early. My parents weren't the type of dependents who would let a child run their lives, but they were dependent on me to validate their feelings for them a lot.
I used to think I could teach others about spirituality when I was about 10 years younger then I am now. But I really didn't understand what I was trying to teach. I never declared myself to be anyone's teacher on spirituality. I knew, on some level, I was way too young and naive. But I made many errors and took the long way around quite often. I did try to teach a friend of mine magic. You know, the kind of magic that witches typically do. Maybe it was a little Hollywood style.... I've since discovered that one doesn't need to do magical rituals to get Spiritual help. But I learned from that mistake. Sometimes rituals can focus and clear the mind, so we know exactly what we are asking for.
I've done things out of selfish want too. Most of those things were mistakes. I ended up regretting them. I ended up with negative feelings about those situations, and also smidgens of guilt.
I've done hurtful things to others. I usually am not the type who hurts others. I am usually in some sort of dire situation before I lash out. Unfortunately, when I did lash out it was usually at the most convenient person. I often tried to correct my mistake though by confronting the person responsible.
I have learned that God/dess or Spirit is very forgiving of our mistakes. Even the hurtful ones. If God can forgive me, I can forgive me. That is a spiritual REALITY. Forgiveness. But, before we can accept forgiveness we must first acknowledge that we've done something hurtful. And that acknowledgment can hurt us too.
I used to feel so alone on my spiritual path. Then I realized that God/dess or Spirit is everywhere. That I had learned from my mistakes that which my teachers -- Jesus, Buddha, Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr. -- already knew.
I've also learned that it isn't a mistake to fight back when one is in danger of sexual violence. I was so caught up in pacifism -- I wouldn't fight back. I ended up rationalizing the other person's behavior. I ended up taking my inevitable rage and hate for these crimes out on myself. Sometimes it's better for our safety and sanity to fight back, and not feel guilty about doing so -- no matter what we had to do to fight back and possibly "win." There is an exception to every rule and sexual violence is the exception to living a pacifist lifestyle. I learned from those mistakes too, eventually. One definition of insanity is not learning from our mistakes. And I was so depressed I couldn't see what I was supposed to be learning from these creeps.
I think it is important to learn from others mistakes too. Progress, not perfection here.... I've always tried to learn from other people's mistakes. Sometimes I did. Some mistakes are subtle, though, and we often can miss that the other person has made a mistake. It was like that for me with using marijuana. I did not learn from my biological father's mistake of using the stuff. I'm not surprised (it was all as clear as mud as far as he's concerned.)
I'm so happy that I've found my serenity. I can make peace with myself and my past mistakes. I didn't expect my search for enlightenment to lead to such a wonderful sense of well-being that is consistently there for me. I no longer believe that the mistakes are half as important as my successes.
Peace, love and happy endings!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Prayer
Prayer works.
It does not matter what religion you are, or even if you don't belong to any particular religion.... It works.
There are some studies that show that people who pray tend to be happier and healthier then those who don't. It is essential to sobriety.
Of course, on some things like terminal illnesses, prayer doesn't seem to work all that well most of the time. That's why it is important to believe there is life after death, I believe. Some people who are ill just want to "move on," after all. Most of us are seeking a better life then what we have here. Oh, truly, prayer can bring about miracles. But, I honestly believe that God and Goddess answer the prayers that are in our hearts. If someone really wants a better life then what they have here, God and Goddess will take them away to a better place. Our "work" here often isn't as important as we think it is.... It doesn't need to be "finished" a lot of the time -- or at least not as badly as we tend to think it does....
I know the religious context is not as important as the act of praying. I used to pray to the Universe. I've prayed to the Goddess. I've prayed to Great Spirit. I've prayed to God. I've prayed to Jesus. I've had most of my prayers answered. I've even done "magic" to get what I wanted -- which is just another way of requesting our heart's desire. I've gotten what I needed most of my life. And when I didn't get the basic necessities of life, it was because I was irrationally rejecting them.
Of course the resources have to be available for whatever we are asking for. If there isn't food available -- we aren't going to get fed unless we are very faithful and really willing to believe in miracles.... Even then, our idea of a miracle might well be terrifying to someone else... God doesn't want to terrify people. But if the resources are there -- we will get what we need.
Some people (predatory types, mostly) will go directly against God to terrorize others too. It is hard for God/dess to remove those people from our lives at times, because they defy God's will. Sometimes they are even secretly Satanic... It isn't God's will to take away our free will -- and with predatory types this has a down side, unfortunately.
I got a car once because I prayed for one. (The prayer, at the time, was to "the Universe.") It was reasonably priced and mostly reliable.... I did end up selling it. I got tired of myself with a car. I did, and it was too expensive. I stopped walking places when I had that car. I took the easy way out. I wanted the instant gratification....
I don't get down on my knees when I pray. I don't use "canned" prayers very much. I don't like the residual feelings of shame that come along with getting down on my knees. I was abused when I'd get on my knees as a small girl, and I don't like the way I feel. It draws an uncomfortable parallel between God and my stepfather -- and I don't think my stepfather wants anything to do with God. I talk to God, Goddess and Jesus conversationally quite often... I pray a lot for world peace. For good leaders who don't believe in warmongering. Perhaps I am asking for a lot, but so be it.
I went on a Spiritual journey once. I really wanted to get closer to the Great Spirit. I did not do the traditional thing of going off into the woods and/or the mountains and being alone. I had heard of people travelling about surviving on the kindness of others alone. I figured that was a good way to travel, learn about faith, and get closer to the Spirit. It felt like the right thing to do at the right time. I prayed that, the entire time I was out on my journey, that I would find safe shelter every night. I was gone a month. I did not have a sleeping bag -- just a few clothes. I did find safe shelter every single night of my journey. It really strengthened my faith, in Great Spirit and humanity.
Shortly after that journey, I found out about the relocation of the Navajo for a coal mine. With writing being my "mode," I set out to write an article about the relocation. I prayed for them all the time. I prayed a lot that the coal mine get shut down. I did rituals to protect them. I left my young daughter behind with the foster family to go down to their reservation and write the article. After I wrote the article, I wrote a synopsis of it and sent it to every powerful entity I could think of. I found out the coal mine was operating illegally. It had been shut down by a judge who also was a minority. The court order was being ignored. I gave some speeches about it. I followed my "intuition." I prayed all the time. Miraculously a couple of years after I wrote my article the mine was shut down and the relocation stopped.
Thank you God and Goddess!
I don't thank the Spirit enough. I don't thank God and Goddess enough. I don't thank Jesus enough.... But I do pray all the time. I talk to God/dess all the time. And most of my prayers are answered -- even the big ones. I just need my faith.... It will all work out!
It does not matter what religion you are, or even if you don't belong to any particular religion.... It works.
There are some studies that show that people who pray tend to be happier and healthier then those who don't. It is essential to sobriety.
Of course, on some things like terminal illnesses, prayer doesn't seem to work all that well most of the time. That's why it is important to believe there is life after death, I believe. Some people who are ill just want to "move on," after all. Most of us are seeking a better life then what we have here. Oh, truly, prayer can bring about miracles. But, I honestly believe that God and Goddess answer the prayers that are in our hearts. If someone really wants a better life then what they have here, God and Goddess will take them away to a better place. Our "work" here often isn't as important as we think it is.... It doesn't need to be "finished" a lot of the time -- or at least not as badly as we tend to think it does....
I know the religious context is not as important as the act of praying. I used to pray to the Universe. I've prayed to the Goddess. I've prayed to Great Spirit. I've prayed to God. I've prayed to Jesus. I've had most of my prayers answered. I've even done "magic" to get what I wanted -- which is just another way of requesting our heart's desire. I've gotten what I needed most of my life. And when I didn't get the basic necessities of life, it was because I was irrationally rejecting them.
Of course the resources have to be available for whatever we are asking for. If there isn't food available -- we aren't going to get fed unless we are very faithful and really willing to believe in miracles.... Even then, our idea of a miracle might well be terrifying to someone else... God doesn't want to terrify people. But if the resources are there -- we will get what we need.
Some people (predatory types, mostly) will go directly against God to terrorize others too. It is hard for God/dess to remove those people from our lives at times, because they defy God's will. Sometimes they are even secretly Satanic... It isn't God's will to take away our free will -- and with predatory types this has a down side, unfortunately.
I got a car once because I prayed for one. (The prayer, at the time, was to "the Universe.") It was reasonably priced and mostly reliable.... I did end up selling it. I got tired of myself with a car. I did, and it was too expensive. I stopped walking places when I had that car. I took the easy way out. I wanted the instant gratification....
I don't get down on my knees when I pray. I don't use "canned" prayers very much. I don't like the residual feelings of shame that come along with getting down on my knees. I was abused when I'd get on my knees as a small girl, and I don't like the way I feel. It draws an uncomfortable parallel between God and my stepfather -- and I don't think my stepfather wants anything to do with God. I talk to God, Goddess and Jesus conversationally quite often... I pray a lot for world peace. For good leaders who don't believe in warmongering. Perhaps I am asking for a lot, but so be it.
I went on a Spiritual journey once. I really wanted to get closer to the Great Spirit. I did not do the traditional thing of going off into the woods and/or the mountains and being alone. I had heard of people travelling about surviving on the kindness of others alone. I figured that was a good way to travel, learn about faith, and get closer to the Spirit. It felt like the right thing to do at the right time. I prayed that, the entire time I was out on my journey, that I would find safe shelter every night. I was gone a month. I did not have a sleeping bag -- just a few clothes. I did find safe shelter every single night of my journey. It really strengthened my faith, in Great Spirit and humanity.
Shortly after that journey, I found out about the relocation of the Navajo for a coal mine. With writing being my "mode," I set out to write an article about the relocation. I prayed for them all the time. I prayed a lot that the coal mine get shut down. I did rituals to protect them. I left my young daughter behind with the foster family to go down to their reservation and write the article. After I wrote the article, I wrote a synopsis of it and sent it to every powerful entity I could think of. I found out the coal mine was operating illegally. It had been shut down by a judge who also was a minority. The court order was being ignored. I gave some speeches about it. I followed my "intuition." I prayed all the time. Miraculously a couple of years after I wrote my article the mine was shut down and the relocation stopped.
Thank you God and Goddess!
I don't thank the Spirit enough. I don't thank God and Goddess enough. I don't thank Jesus enough.... But I do pray all the time. I talk to God/dess all the time. And most of my prayers are answered -- even the big ones. I just need my faith.... It will all work out!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Courage
Courage is not the lack of fear -- rather it is the willingness to do the "next right thing" in spite of being afraid.
In today's entry in Keep It Simple (from Hazelden) the quote reads, "Often the test of courage is not to die, but to live," Vittorio Alfieri. One of the most courageous things an addict or alcoholic can do is to get into recovery and stick with it. The steps each take doses of courage. It takes a lot of courage to walk into a meeting. It takes courage to keep coming back. It takes courage to walk back into recovery if one has relapsed. It also takes courage to do service work. Sponsors take risks with each new sponsee. Who knows what a sponsee is capable of when drunk or high if they choose to go back out.... It definitely takes courage to talk to someone who has not yet gone into recovery.
It isn't too much of a stretch, really to choose the path of courage if one is alcoholic or addicted. After all, we weren't deterred from using by the idea of probable or certain death, why should we be deterred from doing the next right thing? It's probably less dangerous, anyway.... Me, personally, I enjoy the adrenaline rush of facing up to my fears, and doing what's right. I consider myself to be a very courageous person. If I can't do the right thing through direct action, I'll take indirect action. I've rarely seen totally hopeless situations and/or conflicts arise. Courage makes me feel powerful, and I, like most other people, to some extent enjoy power. I have courage because I channel my darker "desires" into healthy outlets. I am not afraid of my dark side at all, and it has it's uses.
To love takes courage too. To love most people (warts and all) takes a lot of courage. There is a lot of pressure on us to love only one person. There is a lot of discouragement towards acting out of love. Many people seem to think that showing love to their kids, and especially other people's kids is somehow "spoiling" them, making them "weak," or it's "inappropriate." To be a loving person can leave one feeling like some kind of pariah (which passes, of course). There are a lot of people that equate loving behavior with weakness.... Then again, it takes courage to stand up to peer pressure. It especially takes courage to go against the family, if they don't seem to care much for others.
I don't think courageous people hit their kids. I know courageous people don't rape or beat women and children or commit hate crimes. (That makes predatory types cowards, because they pick on the weak and pander to or flee from those they perceive as "strong")
I learned about courage when I stood up to bullies in school. I didn't like those boys lifting up my skirts in elementary school and I really let them know about it. I've often been afraid when I've stood up for myself. But, I just had to do it! As I grew older I grew to enjoy that feeling of "danger." I've rarely been beat up or had my life threatened as a result of speaking my mind. I've been sexually assaulted a lot, but standing up for myself repeatedly to those people caused them all to eventually leave me be. I've stood up to people that I thought might be child molesters too, when they were holding children in questionable ways in public. I have reported people for possible sexual abuse to CPS too. I can't count the number of times where I was the only person who stood up in a public place where someone was smacking their child and told them "Don't hit your kids!" There is safety in public places, and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself and others in them.
There is a fine line between foolishness and courage though and I have crossed it at times. But, I know it's okay because God/dess still loves me, and I am okay today anyway. I might've ticked off some family members but that's alright too, I couldn't live up to their materialistic standards anyway.
I think one of the most courageous things we can do is to live a life of non-violence. Self defense is not violence in my book. Sometimes self defense is necessary in cases of sexual assault. I honestly believe that "turn the other cheek," means I only have to do it once. I put up with a lot of sexual assault from "ex-boyfriends" because I took the nonviolent stance too far, and was a little too forgiving of that kind of crap. My honesty with those people carried me out of those sick relationships, though, safely, and being honest is also courageous. I like the Wiccan rede "Do what thou wilt, so long as you harm none (on purpose)" I live by it, and I believe it is courageous to do so. If we try to live courageously, we may cross that line of foolishness, but we will end up back on track and probably none the worse for wear.
Courage is something I definitely know about. I believe that I am a very courageous person. I think more people should try it!
In today's entry in Keep It Simple (from Hazelden) the quote reads, "Often the test of courage is not to die, but to live," Vittorio Alfieri. One of the most courageous things an addict or alcoholic can do is to get into recovery and stick with it. The steps each take doses of courage. It takes a lot of courage to walk into a meeting. It takes courage to keep coming back. It takes courage to walk back into recovery if one has relapsed. It also takes courage to do service work. Sponsors take risks with each new sponsee. Who knows what a sponsee is capable of when drunk or high if they choose to go back out.... It definitely takes courage to talk to someone who has not yet gone into recovery.
It isn't too much of a stretch, really to choose the path of courage if one is alcoholic or addicted. After all, we weren't deterred from using by the idea of probable or certain death, why should we be deterred from doing the next right thing? It's probably less dangerous, anyway.... Me, personally, I enjoy the adrenaline rush of facing up to my fears, and doing what's right. I consider myself to be a very courageous person. If I can't do the right thing through direct action, I'll take indirect action. I've rarely seen totally hopeless situations and/or conflicts arise. Courage makes me feel powerful, and I, like most other people, to some extent enjoy power. I have courage because I channel my darker "desires" into healthy outlets. I am not afraid of my dark side at all, and it has it's uses.
To love takes courage too. To love most people (warts and all) takes a lot of courage. There is a lot of pressure on us to love only one person. There is a lot of discouragement towards acting out of love. Many people seem to think that showing love to their kids, and especially other people's kids is somehow "spoiling" them, making them "weak," or it's "inappropriate." To be a loving person can leave one feeling like some kind of pariah (which passes, of course). There are a lot of people that equate loving behavior with weakness.... Then again, it takes courage to stand up to peer pressure. It especially takes courage to go against the family, if they don't seem to care much for others.
I don't think courageous people hit their kids. I know courageous people don't rape or beat women and children or commit hate crimes. (That makes predatory types cowards, because they pick on the weak and pander to or flee from those they perceive as "strong")
I learned about courage when I stood up to bullies in school. I didn't like those boys lifting up my skirts in elementary school and I really let them know about it. I've often been afraid when I've stood up for myself. But, I just had to do it! As I grew older I grew to enjoy that feeling of "danger." I've rarely been beat up or had my life threatened as a result of speaking my mind. I've been sexually assaulted a lot, but standing up for myself repeatedly to those people caused them all to eventually leave me be. I've stood up to people that I thought might be child molesters too, when they were holding children in questionable ways in public. I have reported people for possible sexual abuse to CPS too. I can't count the number of times where I was the only person who stood up in a public place where someone was smacking their child and told them "Don't hit your kids!" There is safety in public places, and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself and others in them.
There is a fine line between foolishness and courage though and I have crossed it at times. But, I know it's okay because God/dess still loves me, and I am okay today anyway. I might've ticked off some family members but that's alright too, I couldn't live up to their materialistic standards anyway.
I think one of the most courageous things we can do is to live a life of non-violence. Self defense is not violence in my book. Sometimes self defense is necessary in cases of sexual assault. I honestly believe that "turn the other cheek," means I only have to do it once. I put up with a lot of sexual assault from "ex-boyfriends" because I took the nonviolent stance too far, and was a little too forgiving of that kind of crap. My honesty with those people carried me out of those sick relationships, though, safely, and being honest is also courageous. I like the Wiccan rede "Do what thou wilt, so long as you harm none (on purpose)" I live by it, and I believe it is courageous to do so. If we try to live courageously, we may cross that line of foolishness, but we will end up back on track and probably none the worse for wear.
Courage is something I definitely know about. I believe that I am a very courageous person. I think more people should try it!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Something Different....
"We had to have something different, and we thought we had found it in drugs."
Yes, I remember that need to find "something different" well. After 20+ years of seeking some solution to my persistent, clinical depression, I finally gave in to using marijuana. I didn't want to go the established route of seeing a psychiatrist or a doctor about it. I didn't want any manufactured drugs at all. I didn't tell anyone but friends about my depression. Since they all tended to be actively using addicts, they were more then understanding about my not wanting to see a professional about it. I did not confess to my constant suicidal thoughts, though. There were two main reasons for this -- first I didn't want them to "overreact" and take steps to prevent me, and the other reason was I saw it as a weakness. I refused to accept that I needed help with it.
My family did not help. It was obvious my stepmonster saw my constant crying as some sort of weakness when I was a teenager. They never sought help for problems from professionals. She insulted me when I'd cry and never (except once when a cat died) shed tears of her own. My biological father never cried that I saw. I requested to see a therapist which they agreed to (in word) but never allowed to happen. I believe they were afraid that their drug use and physical and emotional abuse of me would be discovered. My stepmonster was perfectly okay with her losing her temper all the time, but not anyone else. It was something of an emotionally sterile environment I grew up in.... Before my biological father so "generously" took me off my stepfather's hands, I was also the child of an interracial couple. That, too, made me feel different -- but I learned at a young age to appreciate that particular difference. I began to think of ways to influence the people around me to be more accepting of people of other races and cultures.
It says in today's entry in Just For Today, "Many of us have always felt different from other people." I remember that feeling well, too. Nowadays I don't feel so different, but that is because of recovery. I felt different because I lost my mother at such a young age. I felt different because I had such close experience with death. I felt different because I had been adopted twice -- the second adoption by my own biological father when I was ten years old. I felt different because I was a very sensitive kid. I felt different because my parents weren't the sensitive or warm/fuzzy type. I felt different because they would not come to any of my sporting events as a child. I felt different because I felt I had no support.
That isn't necessarily a bad thing -- being different. After all, we all have different experiences. It gives me something to talk about. I have chosen a different kind of spirituality/religion. I don't really mind so much standing out in a crowd (not that I do all the time or anything). Being different and being noticed at the same time gives me the perfect opening to talk about people's civil rights.
The marijuana gave me an instant "circle of friends." Ones I could beg from when I ran out. Ones I could get to come over when I "had some" to share. But, eventually I got too paranoid to share much, and my instant "friends" stopped coming around. I ended up very lonely. One friend who seems to honestly believe that the prescription painkillers she's hooked on were better then my drugs, stopped coming around too when I started smoking all the time. I numbed that loss for many years. But I still dreamt about her... especially after I was forced to quit.
I'm not so different now.... I have friends who had higher and lower bottoms then me, but they ended up in some serious crisis, physically, mentally, emotionally and especially spiritually. They quit the drugs too. I can relate to them. I have finally found some people who are serious about growing spiritually and I found them in recovery. Although, going to Alanon or something similar before I found marijuana, probably would've yielded similar results, I don't really regret it.
At the very end of the entry it says "My Higher Power is the 'something different' that's always been missing in my life. I will use the steps to restore that missing ingredient to my spirit."
Indeed, my higher power is the "different" kind of authority figure I needed. One who cares and helps me find the help I need for my depression. I haven't been haunted by it for many years now, and my higher power insisted I get that help. I know God/dess did. One who can answer my questions, especially the ones about what happened to the loved ones I've had that died. I did not need another punishing Patriarchal type figure in my life, and for many many years I thought God might be that kind of "person." I've since learned differently.
So, though I still feel a little bit different from others, I can find similarities and "common ground" with mostly anyone I meet. Its a balance -- we should love diversity and respect it, as well as look for common ground. After all, we all are human and bleed red (as has been said for some time now.) I no longer dwell on my differences. Thank you God, Goddess and Spirit. That is love to me....
Basic Text, Chapter 3, p 13
Yes, I remember that need to find "something different" well. After 20+ years of seeking some solution to my persistent, clinical depression, I finally gave in to using marijuana. I didn't want to go the established route of seeing a psychiatrist or a doctor about it. I didn't want any manufactured drugs at all. I didn't tell anyone but friends about my depression. Since they all tended to be actively using addicts, they were more then understanding about my not wanting to see a professional about it. I did not confess to my constant suicidal thoughts, though. There were two main reasons for this -- first I didn't want them to "overreact" and take steps to prevent me, and the other reason was I saw it as a weakness. I refused to accept that I needed help with it.
My family did not help. It was obvious my stepmonster saw my constant crying as some sort of weakness when I was a teenager. They never sought help for problems from professionals. She insulted me when I'd cry and never (except once when a cat died) shed tears of her own. My biological father never cried that I saw. I requested to see a therapist which they agreed to (in word) but never allowed to happen. I believe they were afraid that their drug use and physical and emotional abuse of me would be discovered. My stepmonster was perfectly okay with her losing her temper all the time, but not anyone else. It was something of an emotionally sterile environment I grew up in.... Before my biological father so "generously" took me off my stepfather's hands, I was also the child of an interracial couple. That, too, made me feel different -- but I learned at a young age to appreciate that particular difference. I began to think of ways to influence the people around me to be more accepting of people of other races and cultures.
It says in today's entry in Just For Today, "Many of us have always felt different from other people." I remember that feeling well, too. Nowadays I don't feel so different, but that is because of recovery. I felt different because I lost my mother at such a young age. I felt different because I had such close experience with death. I felt different because I had been adopted twice -- the second adoption by my own biological father when I was ten years old. I felt different because I was a very sensitive kid. I felt different because my parents weren't the sensitive or warm/fuzzy type. I felt different because they would not come to any of my sporting events as a child. I felt different because I felt I had no support.
That isn't necessarily a bad thing -- being different. After all, we all have different experiences. It gives me something to talk about. I have chosen a different kind of spirituality/religion. I don't really mind so much standing out in a crowd (not that I do all the time or anything). Being different and being noticed at the same time gives me the perfect opening to talk about people's civil rights.
The marijuana gave me an instant "circle of friends." Ones I could beg from when I ran out. Ones I could get to come over when I "had some" to share. But, eventually I got too paranoid to share much, and my instant "friends" stopped coming around. I ended up very lonely. One friend who seems to honestly believe that the prescription painkillers she's hooked on were better then my drugs, stopped coming around too when I started smoking all the time. I numbed that loss for many years. But I still dreamt about her... especially after I was forced to quit.
I'm not so different now.... I have friends who had higher and lower bottoms then me, but they ended up in some serious crisis, physically, mentally, emotionally and especially spiritually. They quit the drugs too. I can relate to them. I have finally found some people who are serious about growing spiritually and I found them in recovery. Although, going to Alanon or something similar before I found marijuana, probably would've yielded similar results, I don't really regret it.
At the very end of the entry it says "My Higher Power is the 'something different' that's always been missing in my life. I will use the steps to restore that missing ingredient to my spirit."
Indeed, my higher power is the "different" kind of authority figure I needed. One who cares and helps me find the help I need for my depression. I haven't been haunted by it for many years now, and my higher power insisted I get that help. I know God/dess did. One who can answer my questions, especially the ones about what happened to the loved ones I've had that died. I did not need another punishing Patriarchal type figure in my life, and for many many years I thought God might be that kind of "person." I've since learned differently.
So, though I still feel a little bit different from others, I can find similarities and "common ground" with mostly anyone I meet. Its a balance -- we should love diversity and respect it, as well as look for common ground. After all, we all are human and bleed red (as has been said for some time now.) I no longer dwell on my differences. Thank you God, Goddess and Spirit. That is love to me....
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Turning It Over...
I have to confess I am not the greatest at turning stuff over to God/dess. It's always a big deal when I do. I always turn people who seem dangerous to me over to God/dess, but I don't do it with the smaller stuff.
The serenity prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." helps me a lot in knowing what I can and cannot change in my life. I know I cannot change other people. That doesn't prevent me from suggesting that they change, but I see no reason to nag anyone or pressure anyone into changing. That isn't quite the same thing as turning the situations over to God/dess though.
There are several situations in my life that could really use some "divine intervention..." I am concerned about several addicts and alcoholics that used to be in my life regularly. Most of the women who are actively using are also involved with bad men. I DO pray for them, but I haven't actually turned them over to God/dess.
Maybe this is because I don't really trust that my God/dess can do anything. It seems as if these women are standing in God and Goddess' way. I feel as if I LET God and Goddess help me, but I really had to be stopped from doing any more destruction first....
I haven't really had too many problems turning MY will and MY life over to the care of God and Goddess. Perhaps the trust I have established with my higher power can be taken to a higher place. I don't have a lot of stress in my life right now, and I know that can be attributed to my higher power at work in my life. Don't get me wrong, I do have problems, but I don't really stress over them. I just take steps to correct any problems that come up. I can only do what I can do.
I'm not sure HOW I should go about turning these situations over. I think tonight I will try to make up a little prayer for turning people and situations over to my higher power. It shouldn't be too much of a stretch of faith for me, really. God/dess seems to have taken care of my two children who I gave up for adoption. The situations they were born into were impossible, really.... and I was with bad men when they were born. I do remember asking for God's help with my children, and I got it.
My adopted mother is an alcoholic, I'm pretty sure. She's with a violent creep who married her after my biological mother passed away. I will pray for her, and turn it over to God and Goddess. I should know by now there is nothing I can do about it. My stepmother is with a pervert and is a drug addict. I think she has OCD. I will pray for her too and turn it over. She doesn't respect me enough to take advice from me. There's nothing I can do about that either.
There are several other people I know that need SOMETHING along the lines of divine intervention, and I am hanging on for dear life -- at least I am in my heart and mind. I really need to let it go and let God. I just don't want to give up on my loved ones. It's hard to let go of family, too. I just want it to get better, and me worrying about other people's safety isn't really doing ME any good.
Yes, tonight is a good night to turn it all over to my God and Goddess and see what happens.....
The serenity prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." helps me a lot in knowing what I can and cannot change in my life. I know I cannot change other people. That doesn't prevent me from suggesting that they change, but I see no reason to nag anyone or pressure anyone into changing. That isn't quite the same thing as turning the situations over to God/dess though.
There are several situations in my life that could really use some "divine intervention..." I am concerned about several addicts and alcoholics that used to be in my life regularly. Most of the women who are actively using are also involved with bad men. I DO pray for them, but I haven't actually turned them over to God/dess.
Maybe this is because I don't really trust that my God/dess can do anything. It seems as if these women are standing in God and Goddess' way. I feel as if I LET God and Goddess help me, but I really had to be stopped from doing any more destruction first....
I haven't really had too many problems turning MY will and MY life over to the care of God and Goddess. Perhaps the trust I have established with my higher power can be taken to a higher place. I don't have a lot of stress in my life right now, and I know that can be attributed to my higher power at work in my life. Don't get me wrong, I do have problems, but I don't really stress over them. I just take steps to correct any problems that come up. I can only do what I can do.
I'm not sure HOW I should go about turning these situations over. I think tonight I will try to make up a little prayer for turning people and situations over to my higher power. It shouldn't be too much of a stretch of faith for me, really. God/dess seems to have taken care of my two children who I gave up for adoption. The situations they were born into were impossible, really.... and I was with bad men when they were born. I do remember asking for God's help with my children, and I got it.
My adopted mother is an alcoholic, I'm pretty sure. She's with a violent creep who married her after my biological mother passed away. I will pray for her, and turn it over to God and Goddess. I should know by now there is nothing I can do about it. My stepmother is with a pervert and is a drug addict. I think she has OCD. I will pray for her too and turn it over. She doesn't respect me enough to take advice from me. There's nothing I can do about that either.
There are several other people I know that need SOMETHING along the lines of divine intervention, and I am hanging on for dear life -- at least I am in my heart and mind. I really need to let it go and let God. I just don't want to give up on my loved ones. It's hard to let go of family, too. I just want it to get better, and me worrying about other people's safety isn't really doing ME any good.
Yes, tonight is a good night to turn it all over to my God and Goddess and see what happens.....
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
No Regrets
A long time ago, when I was about 17 or so, I decided I'd try to live a life without regrets. I'd have to say that I'm pretty successful at it. I try not to do anything I'd regret. Oh sure, I've done the wrong thing before out of ignorance, but I treat everything as a learning experience. I don't quite have no regrets, but I have very few.
In the Alcoholics Anonymous promises it says "We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."
It seems to me that I had to figure out mostly everything on my own. I did not get advice from parental units.... They gave orders not suggestions. They made it clear that children were to be "seen and not heard." If I find myself regretting taking the wrong course of action, I remember that I didn't really have any good role models besides my teachers. And the good Lord knows I didn't want to be a high school or elementary school teacher. I'm not either of those things -- so I don't regret that I didn't become those things! I really didn't know what to do about several of the crises that happened in my life, and it's pointless to regret doing the wrong thing about them -- especially without good counsel from anyone but God/dess who I wasn't really in touch with at the time, any way.
My whole life has been one big learning experience. How could I regret that? God/dess forgave me the wrong choices I made, and I think that forgiveness is the best cure for regret. I'm still alive, too, and not dead -- so none of my choices yet, have killed me.
If I hadn't become addicted I wouldn't have found recovery. If I hadn't become addicted I still would have been wondering if the sexual misconduct of some of the men in my life could have been blamed on addiction. I now know that it can't be. There was no excuse for that behavior. I did not sexually abuse anyone while addicted or high. If I hadn't become addicted I would not have found the people who are clean, that I need in my life now. If I hadn't become addicted, I would have believed the so-called enlightened people that think drugs will help them become more spiritual or enlightened. If I hadn't found recovery I might've tried peyote or something, run out in front of a car and been run over.
I learn from my mistakes -- therefore I don't really regret them. And often things turn out for the best, really.
I think it's a good way to live -- not doing anything (saying anything) that one might regret later. I find that I am fairly lighthearted, and very forgiving because of it. I am happy! I don't have a lot of amends to make to people because of that. Don't get me wrong, there are some I had to, and have to, make -- most of them for retaliation of some kind or another. It is important to make amends for retaliation or revenge.
I find that action, even if it is wrong, in a crisis, can lead to the right people, places, and things. I know that when I was extremely psychotic and drunk and tried to burn down my father's house cause I though God told me to (as well as because of his total lack of concern and sexual abuse), I found that I got treatment for my psychosis, drug addiction, depression, etc. It was good treatment too. I also got a roof over my head and three meals a day. I had been homeless for three years prior to that. My whole family refuses to forgive me and wants nothing to do with me. They even took legal action to prevent me contacting them. At least now, their intolerance is visible to others -- so I'm not sure I really regret what I did. I did feel guilty for quite awhile, but that went away too.
I don't really regret being homeless either -- not that I had the prescence of mind to fix it. I saw a lot of the country and met a lot of neat people.
I usually choose positive action, but I don't always know what is the best direction to go in a crises.... I just know, learning from past mistakes, that there is nothing useful to be gained from the "deer in the headlights" reaction. I try to respond, rather then react. I learned that from past mistakes too.
No point in regretting valuable mistakes (as long as I learn from them!) Also, there's no point in regretting past patterns of behavior that might have been healthy if one is no longer repeating the bad behavior. That just leads to the "what ifs." I think it is important to take a look around our present reality and appreciate what we do have now. And I have a lot! There's no point in beating myself up over the past when I have so much wonderful stuff in my life today!
It's also good to try right action -- a good preventative measure against future regrets. They say that if you have "one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you're pissing all over today." That means one has to be present in the now to avoid regret. I know lots of people who's lives revolve around regret and they are not happy. That is why I decided to live my life without them at 17.
Works for me!
In the Alcoholics Anonymous promises it says "We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."
It seems to me that I had to figure out mostly everything on my own. I did not get advice from parental units.... They gave orders not suggestions. They made it clear that children were to be "seen and not heard." If I find myself regretting taking the wrong course of action, I remember that I didn't really have any good role models besides my teachers. And the good Lord knows I didn't want to be a high school or elementary school teacher. I'm not either of those things -- so I don't regret that I didn't become those things! I really didn't know what to do about several of the crises that happened in my life, and it's pointless to regret doing the wrong thing about them -- especially without good counsel from anyone but God/dess who I wasn't really in touch with at the time, any way.
My whole life has been one big learning experience. How could I regret that? God/dess forgave me the wrong choices I made, and I think that forgiveness is the best cure for regret. I'm still alive, too, and not dead -- so none of my choices yet, have killed me.
If I hadn't become addicted I wouldn't have found recovery. If I hadn't become addicted I still would have been wondering if the sexual misconduct of some of the men in my life could have been blamed on addiction. I now know that it can't be. There was no excuse for that behavior. I did not sexually abuse anyone while addicted or high. If I hadn't become addicted I would not have found the people who are clean, that I need in my life now. If I hadn't become addicted, I would have believed the so-called enlightened people that think drugs will help them become more spiritual or enlightened. If I hadn't found recovery I might've tried peyote or something, run out in front of a car and been run over.
I learn from my mistakes -- therefore I don't really regret them. And often things turn out for the best, really.
I think it's a good way to live -- not doing anything (saying anything) that one might regret later. I find that I am fairly lighthearted, and very forgiving because of it. I am happy! I don't have a lot of amends to make to people because of that. Don't get me wrong, there are some I had to, and have to, make -- most of them for retaliation of some kind or another. It is important to make amends for retaliation or revenge.
I find that action, even if it is wrong, in a crisis, can lead to the right people, places, and things. I know that when I was extremely psychotic and drunk and tried to burn down my father's house cause I though God told me to (as well as because of his total lack of concern and sexual abuse), I found that I got treatment for my psychosis, drug addiction, depression, etc. It was good treatment too. I also got a roof over my head and three meals a day. I had been homeless for three years prior to that. My whole family refuses to forgive me and wants nothing to do with me. They even took legal action to prevent me contacting them. At least now, their intolerance is visible to others -- so I'm not sure I really regret what I did. I did feel guilty for quite awhile, but that went away too.
I don't really regret being homeless either -- not that I had the prescence of mind to fix it. I saw a lot of the country and met a lot of neat people.
I usually choose positive action, but I don't always know what is the best direction to go in a crises.... I just know, learning from past mistakes, that there is nothing useful to be gained from the "deer in the headlights" reaction. I try to respond, rather then react. I learned that from past mistakes too.
No point in regretting valuable mistakes (as long as I learn from them!) Also, there's no point in regretting past patterns of behavior that might have been healthy if one is no longer repeating the bad behavior. That just leads to the "what ifs." I think it is important to take a look around our present reality and appreciate what we do have now. And I have a lot! There's no point in beating myself up over the past when I have so much wonderful stuff in my life today!
It's also good to try right action -- a good preventative measure against future regrets. They say that if you have "one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you're pissing all over today." That means one has to be present in the now to avoid regret. I know lots of people who's lives revolve around regret and they are not happy. That is why I decided to live my life without them at 17.
Works for me!
Monday, September 1, 2008
Facing Death
I've been dealing with the idea of death for much longer then most people my age. My mother died in 1973 (a little over 35 years ago.) She ran into a telephone pole after losing control of her car. Most people get introduced to the idea of death by losing a pet or something.
At first the whole concept that she just wasn't there did not make sense to me. It took me a long time to understand that she just was not coming back, ever. That was what death really began to mean to me -- the person does not ever come back. I became a sensitive kid after that -- not liking the idea of killing anything. I'm sure, if I'd had any say so in what happened to me after that -- I would have become a vegetarian as a kid. I still don't even like killing bugs really, and I don't really like to hurt anyone -- even in self defense. I was not taken to grief counseling or any other kind of counseling and was treated rather brutally by my stepfather. So I learned to deal with it on my own....
I figured other people just didn't understand when I found a wounded crow in the back yard when I was about 6 years old. I threw one stone at it to see if it would fly away.... There were about 5 other neighborhood kids there and they then started throwing stones at it too. They continued to throw stones until the bird died. I told them to stop. Nobody was more surprised then I when the thing died. I will never forget that. It took me a long long time to trust my peers after that.
There are five stages of grieving: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Or as I've renamed them to fit the acronym DADDY (Denial, anger, deal-making, depression, and yielding) One of the reasons I use the acronym is it's easier for me to remember and it reminds me that we have a father figure in Heaven. It seems I always skip the bargaining or deal making stage. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because I really believe, in my heart, that most of us go to a better place when we die and that we become happier people. I want my loved ones to be happy, for sure.
I was told by an ignorant person who used to be a friend, that if you don't dream about those who have gone on that you aren't dealing with the grief. I don't personally dream about those who have died cept once in a blue moon. (even less often, honestly) It is very unhelpful to argue with someone who has lost someone. My stepmonster always used to tell me that there was no way I remembered my mother. She was wrong but she persisted anyway. I know I am not the only person who remembers the age of three. Truly, I don't remember much. But, I do remember my mother and always will. I think she was trying to convince me to forget about her and accept that she was my new mother (as she obviously thought she would become when she adopted me legally and had her name put on my birth certificate.) I also think she was trying to prove to me that I couldn't possibly love someone I "didn't remember." For a long time I really resented her. But I can accept a lot of her ignorance now -- she is an active drug addict.
I really believe that without my faith it would be much harder to cope with death. I don't know about anyone else, but I really need to believe in life after death and I do believe in it. I really believe that when I die I will get to finally see my mother.
My acronym reminds me to reach out to God/dess whenever I lose someone. It's even okay to ask God/dess (repeatedly if necessary) to prove they exist. I insisted and was given proof. Its much easier now for me to cope with the losses of loved ones. I found out after losing an aunt to cancer shortly after I became addicted to marijuana, that the marijuana didn't help me cope with her loss, or accepting there was a God, after all, any easier. Thus began my journey of self disgust at my compulsive using. One which is now over, thank you God and Goddess.
I really believe that good-bye is never forever.
At first the whole concept that she just wasn't there did not make sense to me. It took me a long time to understand that she just was not coming back, ever. That was what death really began to mean to me -- the person does not ever come back. I became a sensitive kid after that -- not liking the idea of killing anything. I'm sure, if I'd had any say so in what happened to me after that -- I would have become a vegetarian as a kid. I still don't even like killing bugs really, and I don't really like to hurt anyone -- even in self defense. I was not taken to grief counseling or any other kind of counseling and was treated rather brutally by my stepfather. So I learned to deal with it on my own....
I figured other people just didn't understand when I found a wounded crow in the back yard when I was about 6 years old. I threw one stone at it to see if it would fly away.... There were about 5 other neighborhood kids there and they then started throwing stones at it too. They continued to throw stones until the bird died. I told them to stop. Nobody was more surprised then I when the thing died. I will never forget that. It took me a long long time to trust my peers after that.
There are five stages of grieving: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Or as I've renamed them to fit the acronym DADDY (Denial, anger, deal-making, depression, and yielding) One of the reasons I use the acronym is it's easier for me to remember and it reminds me that we have a father figure in Heaven. It seems I always skip the bargaining or deal making stage. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because I really believe, in my heart, that most of us go to a better place when we die and that we become happier people. I want my loved ones to be happy, for sure.
I was told by an ignorant person who used to be a friend, that if you don't dream about those who have gone on that you aren't dealing with the grief. I don't personally dream about those who have died cept once in a blue moon. (even less often, honestly) It is very unhelpful to argue with someone who has lost someone. My stepmonster always used to tell me that there was no way I remembered my mother. She was wrong but she persisted anyway. I know I am not the only person who remembers the age of three. Truly, I don't remember much. But, I do remember my mother and always will. I think she was trying to convince me to forget about her and accept that she was my new mother (as she obviously thought she would become when she adopted me legally and had her name put on my birth certificate.) I also think she was trying to prove to me that I couldn't possibly love someone I "didn't remember." For a long time I really resented her. But I can accept a lot of her ignorance now -- she is an active drug addict.
I really believe that without my faith it would be much harder to cope with death. I don't know about anyone else, but I really need to believe in life after death and I do believe in it. I really believe that when I die I will get to finally see my mother.
My acronym reminds me to reach out to God/dess whenever I lose someone. It's even okay to ask God/dess (repeatedly if necessary) to prove they exist. I insisted and was given proof. Its much easier now for me to cope with the losses of loved ones. I found out after losing an aunt to cancer shortly after I became addicted to marijuana, that the marijuana didn't help me cope with her loss, or accepting there was a God, after all, any easier. Thus began my journey of self disgust at my compulsive using. One which is now over, thank you God and Goddess.
I really believe that good-bye is never forever.
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