There is nothing that we can go through that drinking and using drugs won't make worse.
It was clinical depression that led me to experiment with drugs and eventually get addicted to marijuana. I was dealing with constant thoughts of suicide (and even homicide), low energy and a pervasive sense of sadness.
As a child I had to figure out everything on my own. I never got advice, good or bad, or was encouraged to talk about anything going on in my life. Feelings were unacceptable, especially anger (on my part). There was no support of my extracurricular activities -- I was often the only one on the entire swimteam that never had family at the meets. It was okay for my stepfather to have temper tantrums and beat the crap out of me. When I moved in with my biological father, his wife was the only one allowed to get angry.... She was angry all the time. They never speculated that the reason I was crying all the time, and had problems getting up in the mornings might be due to depression. I wanted to see a counselor -- but of course their guilt over their abuse prevented them from taking me to one. And I'll bet that they really wanted to continue to do drugs.
In my way of figuring, it was the death of my biological mother, the serious sexual abuse I went through at eight years old, and the emotional and physical abuse of my stepmother that caused me to feel so crappy all the time.
I was very much against drugs until I turned 17. I started smoking cigarettes and experimented with the marijuana I stole from my biological father's stash. It used to make me laugh. But it made me all but mute. I didn't have much to say while on it. I couldn't think clearly. So I rarely used it between the ages of 17 and 25. I experimented with LSD after I got out of the Navy and was living with my ex-husband. He used to rape me while we were on LSD. When I wasn't experimenting myself -- I was against drugs, especially manufactured ones. I didn't like the effect drugs had on the people around me.
That dislike of manufactured drugs kept me away from psychiatrists. I knew for most of my adult life that I had serious depression, sometimes really black depressive episodes. But the possibility that it was situational always stuck in my mind. I didn't try suicide till I was 27. But, thoughts of suicide were constantly with me.
One cannot live with clinical depression. It is not life on life's terms as far as I'm concerned. Life doesn't hand us constant sadness and pain unless there is something WRONG with us. I had a chemical imbalance that needed treatment. I am pro-necessary-medication in my recovery precisely because of this.
I've suffered several losses since I got into recovery -- at least 7 friends have died that I know of. I lost my freedom when I was locked up. My kids are with their adoptive parents. People don't seem to want much to do with a schizophrenic woman, no matter how lucid she is. My whole family took out a no contact order against me. I even broke my ankle in February of 2007 and had to get surgery on it. (I really busted it badly.)
It was a God thing. I was prescribed oxycontin and Vicoden while healing from surgery. I was so afraid. Where I was living though, when I was recovering from the broken ankle, they doled out the meds to me as prescribed. I didn't transfer addictions, thank God/dess.
It is necessary to maintain a positive attitude and live in the moment to cope with "stuff" that happens to us. It is important to keep perspective, because there is always someone who has it worse. That kept me alive during my depression, really it did. I did learn some coping skills before I started using marijuana constantly. Recovery to me, meant relearning some old coping skills. I read a lot. I do good deeds. I don't beat myself up. I don't pay attention to the rabid criticism of my family any more. Things simply don't hurt as much as they did when I was being sexually abused, or living with suicidal tendencies. Faith, too, is key. I asked God to prove Himself to me several times, and He did -- even though this scared me. Knowing that I have a soul and it will not die helps me immensely.
Denial is not a river in Egypt, but denial is a stage of grief, and can be a healthy one at that. Addiction keeps us stuck in denial. We don't deal with our feelings and healing is much slower physically and mentally. Eventually, pot was giving me serious anxiety attacks in addition to not helping with the depression or psychosis.
I never want to go back to that.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Taking Inventory
Step four: "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"
For several years after I was forced to quit smoking marijuana -- I thought I had done this step. I kept an inventory of myself in my head. I thought that might be good enough at the time.... I thought I knew myself "well enough." That was NOT good enough. I really needed to sort out my part of things from others.
But now I know that this step needs to be written down and reviewed from time to time. Writing things out helps me, in particular, sort things out in my head. "The purpose of a searching and fearless moral inventory is to sort thorugh the confusion and contadiction of our lives, so that we can find out who we really are." "How It Works" Basic Text Since I did my first inventory in 2007, I immediately found some things that I could change. It has to do with being able to sort out "my stuff" from "your stuff." If I know myself well, I won't own "your stuff." I used to take the blame for lots of things that weren't my fault, you see, and now I can avoid taking blame for things that aren't in my inventory or that I know aren't true for me.
"Most of us will find that we were neither as terrible, nor as wonderful, as we supposed." "How It Works" Basic Text. I figured out that I wasn't the anti-christ or the whore of Babylon like I had thought for a while when I was psychotic and using. Before I did my inventory, I was blaming myself for my physical reactions during sexual assault. For a long time I blamed those reactions for all the sexual assault I tolerated. I found out that perhaps, I was too tolerant of others. I was projecting my own pain and helplessness on these monsters that took advantage of me. I was blaming myself for delaying reporting the assaults. Sure, I've done things wrong, but nowadays I can give back the crap that belongs to others. I don't have to take it on. I know what my own crap is, and I don't want yours. That's what the fourth step helped me do.
It seems to me that some people use the tenth step, or the fourth step for that matter, to beat themselves up. It's my humble opinion that doing these steps needs to be done with love and forgiveness. An inventory is not complete without good qualities.
It's hard to feel good about ourselves if we are just sitting around and beating ourselves up. That's why there's a twelfth step. A person should not just sit around contemplating their navel. There's a time for searching ourselves for the answers and there's a time to just accept that we know all we need to for now. Action is important too. We can improve our inventories if we have good deeds to put in there.
Looking back, I can forgive myself for not writing my inventory until I was almost five years in recovery. Who would I have shown it to? I can't think of anyone that I knew back then that I would've trusted with my inventory. It says "We write our inventory without considering the fifth step. We work step four as if there were no step five," "How It Works," Basic Text. We do want to work each of the steps without worrying about the long distance we have to travel through all the steps.
For several years after I was forced to quit smoking marijuana -- I thought I had done this step. I kept an inventory of myself in my head. I thought that might be good enough at the time.... I thought I knew myself "well enough." That was NOT good enough. I really needed to sort out my part of things from others.
But now I know that this step needs to be written down and reviewed from time to time. Writing things out helps me, in particular, sort things out in my head. "The purpose of a searching and fearless moral inventory is to sort thorugh the confusion and contadiction of our lives, so that we can find out who we really are." "How It Works" Basic Text Since I did my first inventory in 2007, I immediately found some things that I could change. It has to do with being able to sort out "my stuff" from "your stuff." If I know myself well, I won't own "your stuff." I used to take the blame for lots of things that weren't my fault, you see, and now I can avoid taking blame for things that aren't in my inventory or that I know aren't true for me.
"Most of us will find that we were neither as terrible, nor as wonderful, as we supposed." "How It Works" Basic Text. I figured out that I wasn't the anti-christ or the whore of Babylon like I had thought for a while when I was psychotic and using. Before I did my inventory, I was blaming myself for my physical reactions during sexual assault. For a long time I blamed those reactions for all the sexual assault I tolerated. I found out that perhaps, I was too tolerant of others. I was projecting my own pain and helplessness on these monsters that took advantage of me. I was blaming myself for delaying reporting the assaults. Sure, I've done things wrong, but nowadays I can give back the crap that belongs to others. I don't have to take it on. I know what my own crap is, and I don't want yours. That's what the fourth step helped me do.
It seems to me that some people use the tenth step, or the fourth step for that matter, to beat themselves up. It's my humble opinion that doing these steps needs to be done with love and forgiveness. An inventory is not complete without good qualities.
It's hard to feel good about ourselves if we are just sitting around and beating ourselves up. That's why there's a twelfth step. A person should not just sit around contemplating their navel. There's a time for searching ourselves for the answers and there's a time to just accept that we know all we need to for now. Action is important too. We can improve our inventories if we have good deeds to put in there.
Looking back, I can forgive myself for not writing my inventory until I was almost five years in recovery. Who would I have shown it to? I can't think of anyone that I knew back then that I would've trusted with my inventory. It says "We write our inventory without considering the fifth step. We work step four as if there were no step five," "How It Works," Basic Text. We do want to work each of the steps without worrying about the long distance we have to travel through all the steps.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Self-righteousness
I've been tossing around the concept of self-righteousness as a topic to write on for a few days. A friend suggested I write about it, and so I am doing just that.
The first time I ever heard this term was when I was with my ex husband before we got married. He called me "self righteous." I've since had a few abusive types refer to me as being the type who always had to be right.
A person who is self righteous is "confident of one's own righteousness, esp. when smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behavior of others." according to the Random House dictionary. It sounds like such a person is an emotional bully, to me. I don't think the term really applied to me, but it sure seems like, looking back, that it applied to the abusive men who accused me of being self righteous.
It seems to me too, that a lot of people who belong to organized religion are the self righteous type. Personally I believe all rivers run to the sea. Notice, I did not say all people who belong to a religion are that way, just some of them. There are people in NA and AA who are like that too. People who seem to believe only the Big Book or the Basic Text have the answers to all of life's problems. And they are the experts on those books....
In order to recover, we must be open minded. I've always striven to be open minded and tolerant. I don't always have to be right, but I AM careful that what I say is based on facts. I am willing to learn. Abusive men don't have much to teach us, and I suppose I was a little closed minded to their weird ideas of what a woman's place is. If anything, I've been too tolerant of men like that. I've had to be careful to not let those negative experiences color my perceptions of the whole of humanity. I've had to maintain my urge to be tolerant and understanding of others, while at the same time, becoming less tolerant of abuse towards me.
I'm not afraid to say "I don't know" or admit when someone else is right.
The first time I ever heard this term was when I was with my ex husband before we got married. He called me "self righteous." I've since had a few abusive types refer to me as being the type who always had to be right.
A person who is self righteous is "confident of one's own righteousness, esp. when smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behavior of others." according to the Random House dictionary. It sounds like such a person is an emotional bully, to me. I don't think the term really applied to me, but it sure seems like, looking back, that it applied to the abusive men who accused me of being self righteous.
It seems to me too, that a lot of people who belong to organized religion are the self righteous type. Personally I believe all rivers run to the sea. Notice, I did not say all people who belong to a religion are that way, just some of them. There are people in NA and AA who are like that too. People who seem to believe only the Big Book or the Basic Text have the answers to all of life's problems. And they are the experts on those books....
In order to recover, we must be open minded. I've always striven to be open minded and tolerant. I don't always have to be right, but I AM careful that what I say is based on facts. I am willing to learn. Abusive men don't have much to teach us, and I suppose I was a little closed minded to their weird ideas of what a woman's place is. If anything, I've been too tolerant of men like that. I've had to be careful to not let those negative experiences color my perceptions of the whole of humanity. I've had to maintain my urge to be tolerant and understanding of others, while at the same time, becoming less tolerant of abuse towards me.
I'm not afraid to say "I don't know" or admit when someone else is right.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
A Way Of Life
Our program is, in fact, a way of life.... The steps are our program. "Just for today, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs."
This way of life is about finding and being close to our Higher Power. Mine is the God and Goddess -- and the Spirit which is love. H.O.W. (Honesty, open mindedness and willingness) There is no substitute for love. Nothing is as effective as love for healing. Most of us addicts are wounded in some way or another. Killing the pain is not the same as real healing. Love gives us pleasure, happiness, and strength. It is strong to feel our feelings. It is good to be emotionally available to our friends, kids and partners. For me, this way of life is about being loving and loved. It's as much about allowing others to show me they care, as it is about loving others.
The steps teach us to be good people. Good people feel love. They care! Good people are accountable for their actions. Good people are aware of their dark sides and don't let that side of themselves rule over them. Good people try to do what God wants them to do (i.e. they are responsible). Good people try not to be prejudiced and are accepting and tolerant of others. Good people try not to hurt others.
To live in love means to stay present in the moment so we can listen effectively and respond (not react) appropriately. To live this way means to be honest about the way we feel, what we think, and what we've done. To live this way means to be open minded -- we don't make snap judgments.... We don't have contempt prior to investigation. To live this way means that we are willing to do whatever it takes to maintain our sobriety.
Recovery is a way of life. We taught ourselves bad things -- and maybe we learned some bad things and ways of coping from parental units and other family. Recovery is more then just being clean and sober. It means going within to know ourselves. It means being open to suggestions to new ways of doing things. Recovery is about unlearning those unhealthy ways of coping. Recovery is about learning to be healthy. Recovery is about finding a natural way of feeling good about ourselves. Recovery is about learning confidence that replaces any feelings of inferiority or conceit. Recovery is worthwhile.
"Addiction is not freedom." It is slavery. We need something outside of ourselves to feel good about ourselves. We do whatever it takes to get that substance when we are addicted. Substances are not a substitute for love or (whatever your higher power is.) True happiness comes from within. It comes from an honest program. When we are truly free, we allow others to be free. We don't try to control everyone else.
"Addiction is not personal growth." How can we be growing if we are obsessed with a substance. Growth means growing beyond obsessions. It means becoming independent. Independence is depending on God or Goddess. Growth is finding effective ways of coping with life.
"Addiction is not goodwill." It's hard to have good will towards others if we are obsessed with ourselves. Narcissism is not a good way of life. Addiction isolates us from others. It makes us afraid of everything. Fear and prejudice are one and the same. Prejudice keeps us from doing good for others. People who are actively using tend to be hostile, and will do anything to keep from feeling emotions. True goodwill is having good intentions towards ourselves as well as others. We are not doing good for ourselves when we are using. Addiction keeps us from feeling love, as well as other feelings. It's hard to do good when one feels no love for fellow human beings, much less compassion.
"Addiction is not a way of life." When we are addicted we are merely surviving, like an animal. "Any lifestyle seeking spiritual fulfillment seems to demand the very things missing in addiction: freedom, goodwill, creative action and personal growth." This statement implies that the only way of life worth living is a spiritual one, and I believe that implication to be the truth. We will not feel good if we are trying to separate ourselves from the Spirit. We come from Spirit, and it is unpleasant not to feel as if we are a part of it. I need love. Life hurts more without it. Love only hurts when we "lose" it.
To be in recovery means to be creative with our lives. We create something wonderful for ourselves and those we love. I know from experience that addiction kills creativity. Addiction is the way of death. Recovery is a way of life, and loving, to me, is the only way to live.
This way of life is about finding and being close to our Higher Power. Mine is the God and Goddess -- and the Spirit which is love. H.O.W. (Honesty, open mindedness and willingness) There is no substitute for love. Nothing is as effective as love for healing. Most of us addicts are wounded in some way or another. Killing the pain is not the same as real healing. Love gives us pleasure, happiness, and strength. It is strong to feel our feelings. It is good to be emotionally available to our friends, kids and partners. For me, this way of life is about being loving and loved. It's as much about allowing others to show me they care, as it is about loving others.
The steps teach us to be good people. Good people feel love. They care! Good people are accountable for their actions. Good people are aware of their dark sides and don't let that side of themselves rule over them. Good people try to do what God wants them to do (i.e. they are responsible). Good people try not to be prejudiced and are accepting and tolerant of others. Good people try not to hurt others.
To live in love means to stay present in the moment so we can listen effectively and respond (not react) appropriately. To live this way means to be honest about the way we feel, what we think, and what we've done. To live this way means to be open minded -- we don't make snap judgments.... We don't have contempt prior to investigation. To live this way means that we are willing to do whatever it takes to maintain our sobriety.
Recovery is a way of life. We taught ourselves bad things -- and maybe we learned some bad things and ways of coping from parental units and other family. Recovery is more then just being clean and sober. It means going within to know ourselves. It means being open to suggestions to new ways of doing things. Recovery is about unlearning those unhealthy ways of coping. Recovery is about learning to be healthy. Recovery is about finding a natural way of feeling good about ourselves. Recovery is about learning confidence that replaces any feelings of inferiority or conceit. Recovery is worthwhile.
"Addiction is not freedom." It is slavery. We need something outside of ourselves to feel good about ourselves. We do whatever it takes to get that substance when we are addicted. Substances are not a substitute for love or (whatever your higher power is.) True happiness comes from within. It comes from an honest program. When we are truly free, we allow others to be free. We don't try to control everyone else.
"Addiction is not personal growth." How can we be growing if we are obsessed with a substance. Growth means growing beyond obsessions. It means becoming independent. Independence is depending on God or Goddess. Growth is finding effective ways of coping with life.
"Addiction is not goodwill." It's hard to have good will towards others if we are obsessed with ourselves. Narcissism is not a good way of life. Addiction isolates us from others. It makes us afraid of everything. Fear and prejudice are one and the same. Prejudice keeps us from doing good for others. People who are actively using tend to be hostile, and will do anything to keep from feeling emotions. True goodwill is having good intentions towards ourselves as well as others. We are not doing good for ourselves when we are using. Addiction keeps us from feeling love, as well as other feelings. It's hard to do good when one feels no love for fellow human beings, much less compassion.
"Addiction is not a way of life." When we are addicted we are merely surviving, like an animal. "Any lifestyle seeking spiritual fulfillment seems to demand the very things missing in addiction: freedom, goodwill, creative action and personal growth." This statement implies that the only way of life worth living is a spiritual one, and I believe that implication to be the truth. We will not feel good if we are trying to separate ourselves from the Spirit. We come from Spirit, and it is unpleasant not to feel as if we are a part of it. I need love. Life hurts more without it. Love only hurts when we "lose" it.
To be in recovery means to be creative with our lives. We create something wonderful for ourselves and those we love. I know from experience that addiction kills creativity. Addiction is the way of death. Recovery is a way of life, and loving, to me, is the only way to live.
quotes above from An Introductory Guide To Narcotics Anonymous.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Self Pity
"Self pity is one of the most destructive of defects; it will drain us of all positive energy. We focus on anything that isn't going our way and ignore all the beauty in our lives."
In today's entry in Day By Day it talks about avoiding pity. Pity is basically feeling sorry for someone else or ourselves. Pity does not help. Oh sure, it makes us feel as if though we are showing love, but that is not love.
"Coming into the fellowship, newcomers may see older members as unsympathetic, unsupportive, or even rude. Old timers don't mince words with newcomers who aren't ready to stop using...."
I have been a newcomer, and some would consider me an oldtimer -- I have six years. I have plenty of excuses to feel sorry for myself, but that would mean living in the past. My life today is alright. I have everything I need for now. Just because I am powerless over my addiction, it does not mean I am powerless over me. I can change the way I feel. It's a bit like driving a boat, we won't change directions instantaneously, but we will change directions.
In today's entry it says that self pity will lead back to using. We feel sorry for ourselves (usually over something in the past) and thus feel bad. Most people use because they don't want to feel bad. I know that there's always someone out there who has it or has had it worse then me. Self pity is a powerful excuse for using.... We must not use, therefore, we should not feel sorry for ourselves.
I've found newcomers can come up with an endless chain of excuses for using if they really want to.
I don't listen to that for long. I'm not uncompassionate. I will listen to real problems someone has if they aren't using that as an excuse to use drugs.
There are no good reasons to use drugs. There is no pain we can feel that will not be made worse by using them. Rape, death, destruction, etc. is not a good reason to use. Drugs do not help us cope with violence and death. They just make us feel more sorry for ourselves.
We can take action to make our lives better. We can change our perceptions. Honesty, willingness, and open mindedness will get us out of the rut of self pity. We don't have to put up with bad circumstances 98% of the time. And even if we are in bad circumstances and can't leave, we can change our perceptions to make the experience more positive. If we live in the moment and look around us, we will see some beauty. Most of us have at least one good friend to be thankful for. Very rarely is it all bad. But, it takes faith to be open minded enough to take in the beauty around us. Fear will keep us stuck in bad circumstances, but we have to be willing to change them in spite of being afraid. Courage and self pity cannot co-exist.
If we are honest with ourselves, we will see what we have done (or not done) to contribute to our present circumstances -- if they are negative and with faith we can change them for the better. If we are honest with ourselves, we will be able to see what we have done right in the past.
It's easier to feel sorry for ourselves when others feel sorry for us. That is why old timers can seem somewhat harsh when we are complaining about circumstances and using excuses to use. We don't want you to use drugs, because quite frankly, they kill people and turn people into pompous asses.
Living in the moment can cure self pity, too. We don't want to be drug down into the past if it wasn't so great. We probably aren't there anymore, so why dwell there?
Basic Text, page 77
In today's entry in Day By Day it talks about avoiding pity. Pity is basically feeling sorry for someone else or ourselves. Pity does not help. Oh sure, it makes us feel as if though we are showing love, but that is not love.
"Coming into the fellowship, newcomers may see older members as unsympathetic, unsupportive, or even rude. Old timers don't mince words with newcomers who aren't ready to stop using...."
Day By Day
I have been a newcomer, and some would consider me an oldtimer -- I have six years. I have plenty of excuses to feel sorry for myself, but that would mean living in the past. My life today is alright. I have everything I need for now. Just because I am powerless over my addiction, it does not mean I am powerless over me. I can change the way I feel. It's a bit like driving a boat, we won't change directions instantaneously, but we will change directions.
In today's entry it says that self pity will lead back to using. We feel sorry for ourselves (usually over something in the past) and thus feel bad. Most people use because they don't want to feel bad. I know that there's always someone out there who has it or has had it worse then me. Self pity is a powerful excuse for using.... We must not use, therefore, we should not feel sorry for ourselves.
I've found newcomers can come up with an endless chain of excuses for using if they really want to.
I don't listen to that for long. I'm not uncompassionate. I will listen to real problems someone has if they aren't using that as an excuse to use drugs.
There are no good reasons to use drugs. There is no pain we can feel that will not be made worse by using them. Rape, death, destruction, etc. is not a good reason to use. Drugs do not help us cope with violence and death. They just make us feel more sorry for ourselves.
We can take action to make our lives better. We can change our perceptions. Honesty, willingness, and open mindedness will get us out of the rut of self pity. We don't have to put up with bad circumstances 98% of the time. And even if we are in bad circumstances and can't leave, we can change our perceptions to make the experience more positive. If we live in the moment and look around us, we will see some beauty. Most of us have at least one good friend to be thankful for. Very rarely is it all bad. But, it takes faith to be open minded enough to take in the beauty around us. Fear will keep us stuck in bad circumstances, but we have to be willing to change them in spite of being afraid. Courage and self pity cannot co-exist.
If we are honest with ourselves, we will see what we have done (or not done) to contribute to our present circumstances -- if they are negative and with faith we can change them for the better. If we are honest with ourselves, we will be able to see what we have done right in the past.
It's easier to feel sorry for ourselves when others feel sorry for us. That is why old timers can seem somewhat harsh when we are complaining about circumstances and using excuses to use. We don't want you to use drugs, because quite frankly, they kill people and turn people into pompous asses.
Living in the moment can cure self pity, too. We don't want to be drug down into the past if it wasn't so great. We probably aren't there anymore, so why dwell there?
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The Work Of Adult Life
“The work of adult life is this: to become spiritually centered”
I never looked at life this way. I'd always considered my journey toward enlightenment a hobby rather then a duty. I read whatever I can get my hands on that could expand my mind. I meditate daily. I ground and center, especially when I'm anxious. I know that sometimes we do attract to us what we think about. Some things, however, are random - like rape. We can't control others, especially merely with our thoughts. We are sharing this world with many many other people. We have to pretty much stay out of each other's way. One thing I always came back to was love.
It started when I was a kid and seeking love and approval from my folks and siblings. It seemed like such a rare commodity in my family. Before I had even heard of Martin Luther King Jr., I came to the conclusion that violence solves nothing. I knew when my stepdad was violent with me, it solved nothing and contrary to what he said - it did hurt me more then it hurt him. I learned about hate and learned to squelch it for years. I didn't believe in hate for a long long time. Makes me wonder if my suppressed hatred for violence towards females by men caused my depression. For awhile I hated myself, but my refusal to believe in hate led me out of that trap.
My search for spiritual growth has lead down many different roads. I was very curious about my adopted mother's people - she is half Native American of unknown tribal origins. So as soon as I was able to, I began reading a lot of material about and by Native Americans. I studied the spiritual meanings of various animals. I knew there had to be an alternative to the Lutheran church that more or less told me I was going to end up in Hell if I ever lied. See, I knew my biological mother was NOT in hell, and it was very unlikely, in my eyes, that she never lied. They also treated me like a demon child for pointing out the flaws in stories of the Bible, too. My questions were brushed off. I had to get away from that church.... I also learned about smudging, and other things.
My adopted mom was into Buddhism. She kept a few Buddha statues around our house. She taught me some things. She told me that I could rub Buddhas belly for luck. She also told me that the rainbow was God's promise never to flood the Earth again. I believe she was the one that told me my mother was an angel up in Heaven.
For awhile I didn't believe in a God or a Goddess, and had serious doubts about whether there was life after death. For awhile I believed in past lives and that I would be coming back to this planet after I died. God let me know He was around, and I'd talk to Goddess in my head. For awhile I was very angry with God in particular because it seemed He let rape happen to me.... But it is very likely that if He had stopped it, it would've scared me more. I know faith is very precious to God/dess.
I give the Spirit a lot of credit (I'm rather fond of the Native American concept of a Great Spirit) for teaching me things. Spirit taught me how to live single, since I have never found a good man who wanted to be with me. Spirit taught me how to be patient. Spirit taught me how to love and show love to others. The Spirit put me in the right places to find treatment for my illnesses.
The Spirit is love (to me) -- I can't find any evidence that contradicts that concept. To love is the path to enlightenment. To love leads us to being curious about our fellow human beings -- leads us to trying to understand others. To love is the work of our lives. In today's entry it says that self love will replace self will. I love the fact that I am thoughtful -- even though thinking for myself was discouraged by the Lutherans I knew as a child. (Critical, logical thinking is very important. It is GOOD to not believe everything we hear and read.) I've always believed that God/dess gave us a busy brain for a reason. Blind faith in what other people say, is a bit foolish.... To love leads us to help others out. To love makes us better people.
This entry made me feel much better about myself. I sometimes wonder if I am too much of a slacker or lazy or something. It validated the path I took. I made many mistakes along the way, like believing that marijuana would help me find enlightenment -- which it did not. I plan to stay away from peyote too. I don't need to hallucinate any more at all. I know I am in close contact with the Spirit, and I can't think of anything more valuable.
today's Keep It Simple entry
I never looked at life this way. I'd always considered my journey toward enlightenment a hobby rather then a duty. I read whatever I can get my hands on that could expand my mind. I meditate daily. I ground and center, especially when I'm anxious. I know that sometimes we do attract to us what we think about. Some things, however, are random - like rape. We can't control others, especially merely with our thoughts. We are sharing this world with many many other people. We have to pretty much stay out of each other's way. One thing I always came back to was love.
It started when I was a kid and seeking love and approval from my folks and siblings. It seemed like such a rare commodity in my family. Before I had even heard of Martin Luther King Jr., I came to the conclusion that violence solves nothing. I knew when my stepdad was violent with me, it solved nothing and contrary to what he said - it did hurt me more then it hurt him. I learned about hate and learned to squelch it for years. I didn't believe in hate for a long long time. Makes me wonder if my suppressed hatred for violence towards females by men caused my depression. For awhile I hated myself, but my refusal to believe in hate led me out of that trap.
My search for spiritual growth has lead down many different roads. I was very curious about my adopted mother's people - she is half Native American of unknown tribal origins. So as soon as I was able to, I began reading a lot of material about and by Native Americans. I studied the spiritual meanings of various animals. I knew there had to be an alternative to the Lutheran church that more or less told me I was going to end up in Hell if I ever lied. See, I knew my biological mother was NOT in hell, and it was very unlikely, in my eyes, that she never lied. They also treated me like a demon child for pointing out the flaws in stories of the Bible, too. My questions were brushed off. I had to get away from that church.... I also learned about smudging, and other things.
My adopted mom was into Buddhism. She kept a few Buddha statues around our house. She taught me some things. She told me that I could rub Buddhas belly for luck. She also told me that the rainbow was God's promise never to flood the Earth again. I believe she was the one that told me my mother was an angel up in Heaven.
For awhile I didn't believe in a God or a Goddess, and had serious doubts about whether there was life after death. For awhile I believed in past lives and that I would be coming back to this planet after I died. God let me know He was around, and I'd talk to Goddess in my head. For awhile I was very angry with God in particular because it seemed He let rape happen to me.... But it is very likely that if He had stopped it, it would've scared me more. I know faith is very precious to God/dess.
I give the Spirit a lot of credit (I'm rather fond of the Native American concept of a Great Spirit) for teaching me things. Spirit taught me how to live single, since I have never found a good man who wanted to be with me. Spirit taught me how to be patient. Spirit taught me how to love and show love to others. The Spirit put me in the right places to find treatment for my illnesses.
The Spirit is love (to me) -- I can't find any evidence that contradicts that concept. To love is the path to enlightenment. To love leads us to being curious about our fellow human beings -- leads us to trying to understand others. To love is the work of our lives. In today's entry it says that self love will replace self will. I love the fact that I am thoughtful -- even though thinking for myself was discouraged by the Lutherans I knew as a child. (Critical, logical thinking is very important. It is GOOD to not believe everything we hear and read.) I've always believed that God/dess gave us a busy brain for a reason. Blind faith in what other people say, is a bit foolish.... To love leads us to help others out. To love makes us better people.
This entry made me feel much better about myself. I sometimes wonder if I am too much of a slacker or lazy or something. It validated the path I took. I made many mistakes along the way, like believing that marijuana would help me find enlightenment -- which it did not. I plan to stay away from peyote too. I don't need to hallucinate any more at all. I know I am in close contact with the Spirit, and I can't think of anything more valuable.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Surrender
To surrender, in recovery, means to give up the notion that we have any power at all over our addictions. That powerless feeds on itself, and our lives become unmanagable. We end up with power over nothing including ourselves. We are slaves while we are still using. To get out of that trap we must surrender because each day, when we are using, is a constant battle and the only way to win the battle is to admit defeat.
In each of the twelve steps we surrender something. In the first we surrender in our battles. In the second we surrender to God/dess or our higher power (of our own understanding). My higher power is love. Love is God and Goddess, to me. I surrendered to love. When I was using I fought off love. When I was codependent, I mistook a lot of things for love that actually were not love. Surrender and faith are the same things. I found out that the love of others could restore me to sanity if I let love in. I was so busy before defining love as people being nice to me, or wanting to sleep with me that I never recognized real love when it came into my life. This is not to say that love is not nice.... But love is not nice to me just to get something from me. Today I have faith that love loves me, and will take care of me.
In the third step, we surrender our self will. We give to God/dess all of our selfish desires, our pleasure seeking at the expense of others. We try to do God/dess' will. God/dess wants us to love other people, imho. This too is faith. It is faith in the concept that God and Goddess will guide our steps. I believe the will to love is a higher concept -- that means I show love even when I am not feeling it. I act "as if" I feel love for that person. Wallah -- the love I felt for that person soon returns and it comes naturally to me, once again.
In the fourth step we surrender our self deceptions and look at what is really there. We surrender our dishonesty in faith that honesty will work for us, after all.
The fifth step is about surrendering our secrets. We take it on faith that we can be forgiven and accepted no matter what we did, as long as we can look at it honestly (in our inventories) and admit it. A person needs that faith in forgiveness to do this step, even if it is only a little bit of faith.
We surrender our defects in steps 6 and 7. We look at them, and give them to God/dess. We need the faith that God and Goddess will remove our defects in their time, but will remove them. Sometimes we aren't entirely ready to give up the fight.... I've come to the conclusion that most of our defects are ways of fighting off other people and love. Addicts want to keep people away from them, usually, because it isn't loving to treat our bodies and minds so abominably. To let love in would mean acting in a loving manner towards ourselves.
In step 8, we surrender to the "whims" of those we have harmed. We give up our false notions of innocence and being the victim all the time. In step 8, it is only a surrender of the mind, but in step 9 it is a real surrender to those people. Sometimes we find that those we have harmed love us anyway. We act in faith that it will all work out for the best.
In step 10 we surrender our self righteousness. We don't always have to be right. Others don't always have to be right, and that's okay with us. We take it on faith that the truth will be revealed.
Step 11 the surrender is faith in our higher power. We try to find the faith that our higher power will always be there for us, no matter where we go. I find that love is everywhere, and I never have to be separated from it, even when it seems as if nobody loves me. I love me. Love loves me and takes care of me. I am never separated from love.
In the final step, we surrender to a spiritual will, and try to save others from dying from addiction. This step can restore our faith in humanity. I truly believe it is my higher power's will that I try to save lives. We need faith to practice the HOW principles of the program (Honesty, Open mindedness, and Willingness) Many people in the program say that "fear is a lack of faith" and it is true that fear can keep us from surrendering like we should.
In todays Just For Today entry it talks about surrender. It talks about surrendering to the idea that we don't know it all when we have significant clean time. It says, "conceit and complacency can land us in deep trouble." When we stop going to meetings, and/or talking to other recovering addicts we aren't really doing our 12th step work -- we are in self will thinking only of ourselves. We need others. For me, especially, love thrives on the company of others. Just me loving myself doesn't do a whole lot for me. I need the company of others to feel the love. To me, if I love others, that love will see me through (even if its a mistake to love that person), because I will love myself all the more for having tried.
My point is that surrender and faith are one and the same. We need to surrender to God (who doesn't want us to abuse drugs and alcohol i.e. abuse our bodies) We need to find that love of our higher power to survive, and to do that we need to give up our "egos" and develop a solid identity and the confidence that comes from being able to truly help others.
In each of the twelve steps we surrender something. In the first we surrender in our battles. In the second we surrender to God/dess or our higher power (of our own understanding). My higher power is love. Love is God and Goddess, to me. I surrendered to love. When I was using I fought off love. When I was codependent, I mistook a lot of things for love that actually were not love. Surrender and faith are the same things. I found out that the love of others could restore me to sanity if I let love in. I was so busy before defining love as people being nice to me, or wanting to sleep with me that I never recognized real love when it came into my life. This is not to say that love is not nice.... But love is not nice to me just to get something from me. Today I have faith that love loves me, and will take care of me.
In the third step, we surrender our self will. We give to God/dess all of our selfish desires, our pleasure seeking at the expense of others. We try to do God/dess' will. God/dess wants us to love other people, imho. This too is faith. It is faith in the concept that God and Goddess will guide our steps. I believe the will to love is a higher concept -- that means I show love even when I am not feeling it. I act "as if" I feel love for that person. Wallah -- the love I felt for that person soon returns and it comes naturally to me, once again.
In the fourth step we surrender our self deceptions and look at what is really there. We surrender our dishonesty in faith that honesty will work for us, after all.
The fifth step is about surrendering our secrets. We take it on faith that we can be forgiven and accepted no matter what we did, as long as we can look at it honestly (in our inventories) and admit it. A person needs that faith in forgiveness to do this step, even if it is only a little bit of faith.
We surrender our defects in steps 6 and 7. We look at them, and give them to God/dess. We need the faith that God and Goddess will remove our defects in their time, but will remove them. Sometimes we aren't entirely ready to give up the fight.... I've come to the conclusion that most of our defects are ways of fighting off other people and love. Addicts want to keep people away from them, usually, because it isn't loving to treat our bodies and minds so abominably. To let love in would mean acting in a loving manner towards ourselves.
In step 8, we surrender to the "whims" of those we have harmed. We give up our false notions of innocence and being the victim all the time. In step 8, it is only a surrender of the mind, but in step 9 it is a real surrender to those people. Sometimes we find that those we have harmed love us anyway. We act in faith that it will all work out for the best.
In step 10 we surrender our self righteousness. We don't always have to be right. Others don't always have to be right, and that's okay with us. We take it on faith that the truth will be revealed.
Step 11 the surrender is faith in our higher power. We try to find the faith that our higher power will always be there for us, no matter where we go. I find that love is everywhere, and I never have to be separated from it, even when it seems as if nobody loves me. I love me. Love loves me and takes care of me. I am never separated from love.
In the final step, we surrender to a spiritual will, and try to save others from dying from addiction. This step can restore our faith in humanity. I truly believe it is my higher power's will that I try to save lives. We need faith to practice the HOW principles of the program (Honesty, Open mindedness, and Willingness) Many people in the program say that "fear is a lack of faith" and it is true that fear can keep us from surrendering like we should.
In todays Just For Today entry it talks about surrender. It talks about surrendering to the idea that we don't know it all when we have significant clean time. It says, "conceit and complacency can land us in deep trouble." When we stop going to meetings, and/or talking to other recovering addicts we aren't really doing our 12th step work -- we are in self will thinking only of ourselves. We need others. For me, especially, love thrives on the company of others. Just me loving myself doesn't do a whole lot for me. I need the company of others to feel the love. To me, if I love others, that love will see me through (even if its a mistake to love that person), because I will love myself all the more for having tried.
My point is that surrender and faith are one and the same. We need to surrender to God (who doesn't want us to abuse drugs and alcohol i.e. abuse our bodies) We need to find that love of our higher power to survive, and to do that we need to give up our "egos" and develop a solid identity and the confidence that comes from being able to truly help others.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
On responsibility
I had two sets of parents and they attempted to teach me responsibility. Quite frankly their definition of responsibility was doing whatever "looked respectable" to others. My adopted mother, and my stepmother kept their houses spotless. My stepfather and biological father had careers. My adopted mom didn't work when we were little, and my stepmother rarely worked at anything but keeping the house spotless. I was expected to do a lot of yard work for little or no reward. In my stepmother's house, it was more important that the toothpaste cap be on the toothpaste at all times then it was for us to be happy. The first set of parents are rather responsible looking alcoholics.... The second set are rather responsible looking addicts.
Neglect is defined as not meeting physical or emotional needs of a child. I got all the food I needed and I had a roof over my head. I even got clothes. But, love and affection was impossible to get from the second set of parents. No matter what I did, or how I struggled to look responsible, it never was good enough. My biological father and his wife put many impossible conditions on their love. I got lots of hugs from the first set of parents, but there was also lots of violence.
I still struggle with their definition of responsibility -- The women in my immediate family mostly stayed home with the children and cleaned the house.... I've discovered that staying home and keeping the house clean isn't good enough for them. It was a real battle for me to hold down a job long enough to advance in one, because my clinical depression made me irritable and easily frustrated. (Not real good when you have to make a good impression on customers.) I did various forms of customer service for years. I've also done housekeeping for hotels -- which pays a pittance, and few guests leave tips for us, like they are supposed to. I couldn't even afford a car or anything above low rent housing on the wages I made. Also, I'm prone to being in the middle of controversy, since I don't like it when other's get their civil rights trampled on. Also, I've never been able to afford the wardrobe it takes to get the decent paying jobs.... And, well, when the paranoid schizophrenia set in, I was battling against paranoid delusions that all my co workers and bosses were out to get me....
My adopted mom sent me to live with my biological father when I was ten -- effectively breaking up my home life. Was that responsible? Instead of doing it to save me from my stepfather's violence, she blames it on me to this day. I was allegedly "beating up" my little brother. At that young age I was quite convinced violence solved nothing and never once hit my little brother. I was never believed the entire time I was a child. My new stepmother discovered that I had been molested by my adopted mom's brother when she read my diary. She never asked me about it, or breathed a word to the authorities about it. Instead she got very angry that I had called her "selfish."
Responsibility to me, means keeping my side of the street clean. That means taking care of business that needs attending to. I try to let my kids know I love them no matter what. I live a green lifestyle. I turn off unnecessary lights. I still don't drive -- and it's not entirely because I can't really afford to. I turn off the water when I brush my teeth, etc. Sure, responsiblity also means taking care of the bills, but that shouldn't come before family and close friends (who are family to me.) I don't believe in keeping up with the Joneses. If I have to sacrifice what I really value, which is peace and human rights, I don't want the money. If my kids told me they had been abused by someone, I wouldn't just look away and do nothing at all about it. I don't believe in hitting kids at all. I have hit children before (not in an out of control way) and discovered it does no good. A lot of respectable looking irresponsible people think fear is a great way to control someone else.... Eventually the person who is being controlled will find an effective way to rebel and maybe even take revenge....
Being responsible for my recovery means going to meetings and listening to other's experience strength and hope. It means sharing what I know about staying clean.
I know it isn't true that I am totally irresponsible like my two sets of parent's seem to think I am. But it does hit a nerve that they persist with their hypotheses. I do alright for someone who is legitimately disabled. It's very hard to find good employment when I have three things working against me -- my schizophrenia, my legal history, and no car. Not to mention not having the wardrobe for it. And staying clean and sober, quite frankly, is one up on most of my family. Thank God/dess for that. I couldn't have done it without the Spirit.
Neglect is defined as not meeting physical or emotional needs of a child. I got all the food I needed and I had a roof over my head. I even got clothes. But, love and affection was impossible to get from the second set of parents. No matter what I did, or how I struggled to look responsible, it never was good enough. My biological father and his wife put many impossible conditions on their love. I got lots of hugs from the first set of parents, but there was also lots of violence.
I still struggle with their definition of responsibility -- The women in my immediate family mostly stayed home with the children and cleaned the house.... I've discovered that staying home and keeping the house clean isn't good enough for them. It was a real battle for me to hold down a job long enough to advance in one, because my clinical depression made me irritable and easily frustrated. (Not real good when you have to make a good impression on customers.) I did various forms of customer service for years. I've also done housekeeping for hotels -- which pays a pittance, and few guests leave tips for us, like they are supposed to. I couldn't even afford a car or anything above low rent housing on the wages I made. Also, I'm prone to being in the middle of controversy, since I don't like it when other's get their civil rights trampled on. Also, I've never been able to afford the wardrobe it takes to get the decent paying jobs.... And, well, when the paranoid schizophrenia set in, I was battling against paranoid delusions that all my co workers and bosses were out to get me....
My adopted mom sent me to live with my biological father when I was ten -- effectively breaking up my home life. Was that responsible? Instead of doing it to save me from my stepfather's violence, she blames it on me to this day. I was allegedly "beating up" my little brother. At that young age I was quite convinced violence solved nothing and never once hit my little brother. I was never believed the entire time I was a child. My new stepmother discovered that I had been molested by my adopted mom's brother when she read my diary. She never asked me about it, or breathed a word to the authorities about it. Instead she got very angry that I had called her "selfish."
Responsibility to me, means keeping my side of the street clean. That means taking care of business that needs attending to. I try to let my kids know I love them no matter what. I live a green lifestyle. I turn off unnecessary lights. I still don't drive -- and it's not entirely because I can't really afford to. I turn off the water when I brush my teeth, etc. Sure, responsiblity also means taking care of the bills, but that shouldn't come before family and close friends (who are family to me.) I don't believe in keeping up with the Joneses. If I have to sacrifice what I really value, which is peace and human rights, I don't want the money. If my kids told me they had been abused by someone, I wouldn't just look away and do nothing at all about it. I don't believe in hitting kids at all. I have hit children before (not in an out of control way) and discovered it does no good. A lot of respectable looking irresponsible people think fear is a great way to control someone else.... Eventually the person who is being controlled will find an effective way to rebel and maybe even take revenge....
Being responsible for my recovery means going to meetings and listening to other's experience strength and hope. It means sharing what I know about staying clean.
I know it isn't true that I am totally irresponsible like my two sets of parent's seem to think I am. But it does hit a nerve that they persist with their hypotheses. I do alright for someone who is legitimately disabled. It's very hard to find good employment when I have three things working against me -- my schizophrenia, my legal history, and no car. Not to mention not having the wardrobe for it. And staying clean and sober, quite frankly, is one up on most of my family. Thank God/dess for that. I couldn't have done it without the Spirit.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Know Thyself
Doing a personal inventory helps us to know ourselves. Doing more then one helps us to know ourselves very well. In today's Keep It Simple entry, it talks about the benefits of knowing ourselves. It tells us we don't need to be afraid, basically, of ourselves. "After all, we need to know our dark side before we can change it." We tend to be ruled over by the parts of ourselves we leave shut away in the dark. That which we oppress within ourselves will leak out all over the place. Sometimes it builds up and explodes when we don't acknowledge it -- like anger, for example.
Knowing the self helps us to trust ourselves, which is essential if we want to recover from any bad habits we may have. And we really have to trust ourselves before we can trust anyone else.
Projection is a psychological term that describes how we attribute to others traits and thoughts that we don't acknowledge in ourselves. It isn't desirable to go around projecting all of our negativity on others. It doesn't help our faith in anyone at all. I used to project all the time. I used to put my anger, and pain off on others. I'd feel sorry for monsters because I could perceive that they were in "such pain."
We will be judgmental, and negative if we continue to ignore what is going on inside. We will be full of false assumptions about others. It is impossible to really know others unless we know ourselves. It's hard to love others for who they really are, if we don't learn to love ourselves for who we really are. People love others for what they see in those others. Is it really love for that person if we are only loving a projection of our subconcious?
I always check my perceptions of others to see if I am responding (or reacting) to something within myself or something that person is actually showing or saying. A lot of petty dislikes, and such could easily be resolved if we learn to see that what we dislike so much in others, is actually a projection of ourselves. It is something within us that we don't like. If we know ourselves, we project things a lot less.
It is unlikely that we have much telepathy, if any at all, so we can't truly know another's intentions without investigating them. We really don't know, for certain why people do the things they do. Truly, it takes time to really get to know someone, and any judgments we may have about someone may actually be judgment on ourselves.
We need our Higher Power to sort all of our perceptions out. We need a higher power to avoid making petty judgments. We need our Higher Power to teach us to see ourselves and others clearly. We need our higher power to teach us how to love and trust ourselves. If we are afraid to look within, we probably need our Higher Power to reassure us that it will be alright. Then we can learn to forgive ourselves for what we may have done to ourselves and others. After all, that should be the result of doing a moral inventory -- forgiveness. It should also help us to perceive things more clearly.
Knowing the self helps us to trust ourselves, which is essential if we want to recover from any bad habits we may have. And we really have to trust ourselves before we can trust anyone else.
Projection is a psychological term that describes how we attribute to others traits and thoughts that we don't acknowledge in ourselves. It isn't desirable to go around projecting all of our negativity on others. It doesn't help our faith in anyone at all. I used to project all the time. I used to put my anger, and pain off on others. I'd feel sorry for monsters because I could perceive that they were in "such pain."
We will be judgmental, and negative if we continue to ignore what is going on inside. We will be full of false assumptions about others. It is impossible to really know others unless we know ourselves. It's hard to love others for who they really are, if we don't learn to love ourselves for who we really are. People love others for what they see in those others. Is it really love for that person if we are only loving a projection of our subconcious?
I always check my perceptions of others to see if I am responding (or reacting) to something within myself or something that person is actually showing or saying. A lot of petty dislikes, and such could easily be resolved if we learn to see that what we dislike so much in others, is actually a projection of ourselves. It is something within us that we don't like. If we know ourselves, we project things a lot less.
It is unlikely that we have much telepathy, if any at all, so we can't truly know another's intentions without investigating them. We really don't know, for certain why people do the things they do. Truly, it takes time to really get to know someone, and any judgments we may have about someone may actually be judgment on ourselves.
We need our Higher Power to sort all of our perceptions out. We need a higher power to avoid making petty judgments. We need our Higher Power to teach us to see ourselves and others clearly. We need our higher power to teach us how to love and trust ourselves. If we are afraid to look within, we probably need our Higher Power to reassure us that it will be alright. Then we can learn to forgive ourselves for what we may have done to ourselves and others. After all, that should be the result of doing a moral inventory -- forgiveness. It should also help us to perceive things more clearly.
What I Believe
I consider myself to be a spiritual person, not a religious person. I have a real problem with dogma. I don't believe in Genesis, I don't believe God/dess told Moses it was okay to conquer people and take all the girl children who had never known a man for themselves much less to kill all the girl children who had known a man, I don't believe God/dess turned Lot's wife into a pillar of salt. I'm not sure I believe there ever was a Sodom and Gomorah. I don't believe in the Great Flood, or that Noah's descendants populated the Earth. (After all, who would his sons have mated with?) Personally, I believe that Moses wrote the ten commandments himself. Not that that makes them bad laws to live by, it's just that there is no commandment against lying, slavery or rape. Which, it seems like to me, that there would be, had they come from God/dess
I believe that God/dess has a male and female aspect. The only God/dess I worship is love. I do believe God/dess is Love. The Spirit is Love.
I think the Bible is full of fiction. I believe sometimes people hallucinated God or heard the devil instead of God. I do believe in the devil. I do believe I heard him call me a "sh*thead" and "sh*t for brains." I don't believe he's capable of doing more then talking to people inside their heads, but still he orchestrates wars, racism, and rape. All of those things are anathema to my God/dess. I don't understand why people would worship the devil. He doesn't create; he only destroys through others. I don't understand the romanticized notion that he's a gambler who makes bets. I don't believe he's in charge of Hell, like most people do.
I read an interesting anecdote once that described Hell as a vast desert. In charge of the water was a ten foot tall black angel who wouldn't give water to anyone in Hell unless they asked, nicely, for water. I believe that rapists, child molesters and serial murderers end up there. I believe you have to do something seriously evil to end up there. I believe that angel is God. I don't believe that people who commit suicide or refuse to atone for their "sins" end up there. Rape and child molestation is a more serious offense than a "sin." I honestly believe that God/dess hates rape and sexual abuse. There is no rape in Heaven, or the Summerland, as the Wiccans refer to it. I firmly believe that child abuse is a sin. I don't think God meant for us to hit our kids. If you look at what Solomon said more objectively then just believing it because it is in the Bible, you'll see that most of it is nonsense. Jesus never hit kids.
I believe God/dess has helped build all the great societies in the world today. Our leaders no longer kill their subjects (with certain rare exceptions). Christianity made murder wrong. Wicca is trying to outlaw violence in any form, and if you think about it Jesus was a pacifist. He never struck anyone. Not even Peter, whom He referred to as "Satan." I also like shamanism. Jesus followed a classic shamanic path to enlightenment. In my humble opinion, the only thing worth listening to in the Bible is what Jesus said, and anything that promotes civil rights and respect for the Earth.
I believe God/dess has many names. God/dess has been there for people since the dawn of time. I believe God/dess will answer to any name you give him or her. That's why it seems like there are so many different gods. God/dess has communicated with people in various ways. I respect people that talk to their ancestors. I believe firmly in life after death, and that the dead can hear the thoughts of the living. I believe they can even communicate with the living if God/dess allows it. I believe those ancestors are what the Christians call angels. Most people become angels when they die.
I believe love is everywhere.
I don't understand all the conflict, really. I don't understand rigid dogma. I don't understand why certain religions believe they have all the answers. There are many paths to finding love.
In my opinion, friendship is peace. They are one and the same. We have to appreciate the love and peace in our lives. In spite of all the violence today, it is still a less violent world then it used to be. I don't believe in Revelations. I don't believe the world is going to end like that. I believe science, that the world is going end when the sun novas. I don't really understand the conflict between science and religion. Science proved the concept of sacred spirals. We have them in our DNA, in our solar systems, in our molecules and atoms. Scientists wonder what dark matter is. I say it is Spirit. We have miracle drugs now because of science. God/dess even works through scientists.
Many people base their religion on the premise that God/dess is perfect. I don't believe this either. I believe God/dess makes mistakes. Our genes have defects. Only an imperfect God could create defective genes, like those that cause schizophrenia and other diseases. I think it's amazing a living being could create genes in the first place. Why does God/dess have to be perfect to create life? I think God/dess is like us in that way, S/he strives for progress not perfection. Life is amazing enough, why should life be perfect? There is no doubt in my mind that there is a living God/dess in our universe.
I swear I heard God/dess tell me "We miss you up in Heaven." It was the most beautiful, gender-neutral voice I've ever heard. It might have been a hallucination, but I doubt it. To me, this is proof that God/dess can talk to people, if S/he wants to.
I find myself wondering about demons and casting them out. Is it true that Jesus worked with the mythology of the day when He healed people? Are demons and bacteria or viruses the same thing? The truth will prevail. People did not and would not have believed in tiny "bugs" back then. If the devil himself was talking, people would have heard demons talking. I don't believe that the devil has an army of "spirits" at his command.
I am an ordained priestess. I refer to myself as a bard, as I sing, write poetry and occasionally song lyrics, and play the drum. I'm rather fond of shamanism, or more specifically Celtic Shamanism or druidry. I follow Martin Luther King Jr.'s example. I use my spirituality to promote civil rights for kids and adults alike. I believe that God's will is for a more civil world without so much oppression. Racism is not only practiced by white people (in other countries, it's different). White people are people of color, too. Me personally, I consider myself to be red, white, and blue. I have red lips, blue eyes and "white" skin. I am very colorful. So, in my opinion, referring to non-caucasian people as people of color is not very politically correct. I think that people need to keep in mind that caucasians have tribes too. Certain tribes are more warlike and more responsible, in ancient history, for wars between races. I'm not Anglo-Saxon, and it isn't my tribe who is trying to make every country a piece of the UK. I'm not Spanish, whatever tribe they are, and it wasn't my tribe that conquered the modern day U.S.. I'm predominantly Celtic American, to be p.c. about it, and about one quarter Frank.
I believe dogma has done more harm then good. Some people hate the "perfect" vengeful creature that the Bible has made God out to be. In my experience, God/dess is very forgiving except of sexual predators. I believe that God/dess particularly hates those who prey on children. Hate is a natural emotion. Many people believe hate and love to be opposites, yet they can coexist. To me, therefore, they can't be opposites. This would explain the vengeance that Goddesses like Kali and Hecate show. There are some things that God finds intolerable.
Spirit does not look like us, either, so saying that we were created in God's image has to be false. Spirit is pure energy.
Many people like me don't believe in God/dess. To me atheists are as hard to hang around with as fundamentalist Christians. If you look around, you'll find that life is just too abundant and varied just to have happened out of nothing. The universe is just too orderly. I think the premise that God/dess is perfect has driven more people away from God/dess and love, then any other premise. Obviously, the creation is not perfect. Wouldn't perfection create more perfection? "Nobody is perfect" comes from God/dess and S/he includes him or herself. That doesn't mean that love should not rule. Why do we constantly seek perfection in our leaders. Love is a process and a state of mind. It can save your life. Love is about civil rights and respect, including respect for our environment.
One should not just assume the world is going to end, therefore we don't have to try to make it a better place. Revelations was not written in stone.
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