On responsibility

I had two sets of parents and they attempted to teach me responsibility. Quite frankly their definition of responsibility was doing whatever "looked respectable" to others. My adopted mother, and my stepmother kept their houses spotless. My stepfather and biological father had careers. My adopted mom didn't work when we were little, and my stepmother rarely worked at anything but keeping the house spotless. I was expected to do a lot of yard work for little or no reward. In my stepmother's house, it was more important that the toothpaste cap be on the toothpaste at all times then it was for us to be happy. The first set of parents are rather responsible looking alcoholics.... The second set are rather responsible looking addicts.

Neglect is defined as not meeting physical or emotional needs of a child. I got all the food I needed and I had a roof over my head. I even got clothes. But, love and affection was impossible to get from the second set of parents. No matter what I did, or how I struggled to look responsible, it never was good enough. My biological father and his wife put many impossible conditions on their love. I got lots of hugs from the first set of parents, but there was also lots of violence.

I still struggle with their definition of responsibility -- The women in my immediate family mostly stayed home with the children and cleaned the house.... I've discovered that staying home and keeping the house clean isn't good enough for them. It was a real battle for me to hold down a job long enough to advance in one, because my clinical depression made me irritable and easily frustrated. (Not real good when you have to make a good impression on customers.) I did various forms of customer service for years. I've also done housekeeping for hotels -- which pays a pittance, and few guests leave tips for us, like they are supposed to. I couldn't even afford a car or anything above low rent housing on the wages I made. Also, I'm prone to being in the middle of controversy, since I don't like it when other's get their civil rights trampled on. Also, I've never been able to afford the wardrobe it takes to get the decent paying jobs.... And, well, when the paranoid schizophrenia set in, I was battling against paranoid delusions that all my co workers and bosses were out to get me....

My adopted mom sent me to live with my biological father when I was ten -- effectively breaking up my home life. Was that responsible? Instead of doing it to save me from my stepfather's violence, she blames it on me to this day. I was allegedly "beating up" my little brother. At that young age I was quite convinced violence solved nothing and never once hit my little brother. I was never believed the entire time I was a child. My new stepmother discovered that I had been molested by my adopted mom's brother when she read my diary. She never asked me about it, or breathed a word to the authorities about it. Instead she got very angry that I had called her "selfish."

Responsibility to me, means keeping my side of the street clean. That means taking care of business that needs attending to. I try to let my kids know I love them no matter what. I live a green lifestyle. I turn off unnecessary lights. I still don't drive -- and it's not entirely because I can't really afford to. I turn off the water when I brush my teeth, etc. Sure, responsiblity also means taking care of the bills, but that shouldn't come before family and close friends (who are family to me.) I don't believe in keeping up with the Joneses. If I have to sacrifice what I really value, which is peace and human rights, I don't want the money. If my kids told me they had been abused by someone, I wouldn't just look away and do nothing at all about it. I don't believe in hitting kids at all. I have hit children before (not in an out of control way) and discovered it does no good. A lot of respectable looking irresponsible people think fear is a great way to control someone else.... Eventually the person who is being controlled will find an effective way to rebel and maybe even take revenge....

Being responsible for my recovery means going to meetings and listening to other's experience strength and hope. It means sharing what I know about staying clean.

I know it isn't true that I am totally irresponsible like my two sets of parent's seem to think I am. But it does hit a nerve that they persist with their hypotheses. I do alright for someone who is legitimately disabled. It's very hard to find good employment when I have three things working against me -- my schizophrenia, my legal history, and no car. Not to mention not having the wardrobe for it. And staying clean and sober, quite frankly, is one up on most of my family. Thank God/dess for that. I couldn't have done it without the Spirit.