Surrender

To surrender, in recovery, means to give up the notion that we have any power at all over our addictions. That powerless feeds on itself, and our lives become unmanagable. We end up with power over nothing including ourselves. We are slaves while we are still using. To get out of that trap we must surrender because each day, when we are using, is a constant battle and the only way to win the battle is to admit defeat.

In each of the twelve steps we surrender something. In the first we surrender in our battles. In the second we surrender to God/dess or our higher power (of our own understanding). My higher power is love. Love is God and Goddess, to me. I surrendered to love. When I was using I fought off love. When I was codependent, I mistook a lot of things for love that actually were not love. Surrender and faith are the same things. I found out that the love of others could restore me to sanity if I let love in. I was so busy before defining love as people being nice to me, or wanting to sleep with me that I never recognized real love when it came into my life. This is not to say that love is not nice.... But love is not nice to me just to get something from me. Today I have faith that love loves me, and will take care of me.

In the third step, we surrender our self will. We give to God/dess all of our selfish desires, our pleasure seeking at the expense of others. We try to do God/dess' will. God/dess wants us to love other people, imho. This too is faith. It is faith in the concept that God and Goddess will guide our steps. I believe the will to love is a higher concept -- that means I show love even when I am not feeling it. I act "as if" I feel love for that person. Wallah -- the love I felt for that person soon returns and it comes naturally to me, once again.

In the fourth step we surrender our self deceptions and look at what is really there. We surrender our dishonesty in faith that honesty will work for us, after all.

The fifth step is about surrendering our secrets. We take it on faith that we can be forgiven and accepted no matter what we did, as long as we can look at it honestly (in our inventories) and admit it. A person needs that faith in forgiveness to do this step, even if it is only a little bit of faith.

We surrender our defects in steps 6 and 7. We look at them, and give them to God/dess. We need the faith that God and Goddess will remove our defects in their time, but will remove them. Sometimes we aren't entirely ready to give up the fight.... I've come to the conclusion that most of our defects are ways of fighting off other people and love. Addicts want to keep people away from them, usually, because it isn't loving to treat our bodies and minds so abominably. To let love in would mean acting in a loving manner towards ourselves.

In step 8, we surrender to the "whims" of those we have harmed. We give up our false notions of innocence and being the victim all the time. In step 8, it is only a surrender of the mind, but in step 9 it is a real surrender to those people. Sometimes we find that those we have harmed love us anyway. We act in faith that it will all work out for the best.

In step 10 we surrender our self righteousness. We don't always have to be right. Others don't always have to be right, and that's okay with us. We take it on faith that the truth will be revealed.

Step 11 the surrender is faith in our higher power. We try to find the faith that our higher power will always be there for us, no matter where we go. I find that love is everywhere, and I never have to be separated from it, even when it seems as if nobody loves me. I love me. Love loves me and takes care of me. I am never separated from love.

In the final step, we surrender to a spiritual will, and try to save others from dying from addiction. This step can restore our faith in humanity. I truly believe it is my higher power's will that I try to save lives. We need faith to practice the HOW principles of the program (Honesty, Open mindedness, and Willingness) Many people in the program say that "fear is a lack of faith" and it is true that fear can keep us from surrendering like we should.

In todays Just For Today entry it talks about surrender. It talks about surrendering to the idea that we don't know it all when we have significant clean time. It says, "conceit and complacency can land us in deep trouble." When we stop going to meetings, and/or talking to other recovering addicts we aren't really doing our 12th step work -- we are in self will thinking only of ourselves. We need others. For me, especially, love thrives on the company of others. Just me loving myself doesn't do a whole lot for me. I need the company of others to feel the love. To me, if I love others, that love will see me through (even if its a mistake to love that person), because I will love myself all the more for having tried.

My point is that surrender and faith are one and the same. We need to surrender to God (who doesn't want us to abuse drugs and alcohol i.e. abuse our bodies) We need to find that love of our higher power to survive, and to do that we need to give up our "egos" and develop a solid identity and the confidence that comes from being able to truly help others.