To be honest, I have had several spiritual awakenings over the course of my lifetime. I feel, today, that my faith is pretty unshakable because of them.
I really don't believe that God is a perfect being.... Perhaps S/He is more perfect then we are, but God does make mistakes..... There are so many illnesses, genetic and otherwise. Why would a perfect being create so much painful imperfection? That was one of my awakenings, that perhaps God/dess was not perfect after all. Why would someone who was perfect create a devil, or marijuana for that matter? It eases my mind to know that all the illness, and evil in this world are the result of honest mistakes. It makes the fact that God/dess created the world and all the life in it more amazing to me. God/dess CAN heal. That is amazing. I am a firm believer that we only move on when we die, too.
I did the steps initially out of order. I couldn't remember them all and did not have any literature. Certainly, I did not want to walk into a meeting as scared and nutty as I felt. My first step was step three. I turned over my will to God first thing. I was not able to consistently admit that I had an addiction problem, and I didn't have the faith that God/dess could relieve my insanity. But I figured it couldn't hurt to turn my will over to a force for good. Shortly thereafter I lost my home and began to travel around.... I did the fourth step the best way I knew how -- in my head.... But I'd get confused and didn't realize that wasn't the right way to do it at the time. Then I did step 11 -- and began talking to and praying to God -- especially about child molesters. I tried to stop people from molesting children throughout my travels, but as I was very psychotic the whole time -- I ended up making quite the fool out of myself. I still believe that it is part of God's will for me to speak out against such things.
I ended up committing a serious crime that I thought God had told me to do. My recovery really began then. I then spent four and a half years locked up. It was during this time that I did step 2. I began to believe sanity was a possibility and that God had led me to it.
I did not do all the steps and they certainly were not in order before I had my recovery orientated spiritual awakening. It was when I received a book mark from the Christians in jail that read "God is Love" That was when so many things began to really make sense.
I had had spiritual awakenings before. When I was young I saw Jesus' face in the tree branches. It scared the crap out of me. I never was quite able to make peace with the Christian church though. They seemed obsessed with the concept of hell and who was going there. They quoted a lot of Paul's words and said they were God's word.... (I never did believe that and still don't)
I believed in the Goddess after I grew up. I saw Her a lot in my head. She supported me and answered various prayers. I could not, for a long while, stand the idea that God was a man.
While I was insane, I had several experiences. I saw angels when I was on the road and at bus stations -- they were made of light. When I was still in my home in Bellingham, I felt breath on the top of my head. I remember once I was laying on the couch and I felt a fine mist of water on my face and felt Jesus there. It had never occurred to me before that God was love however. My concept of Spirit was of this nebulous undefined kind of entity that maybe was a little out of touch with humanity. I did not believe that God was like a human -- and stopped believing that we were created in God's image some time ago. I went through many stages of belief and disbelief that Jesus existed. Shortly after I lost an aunt to cancer however -- I lost most of my faith and then again saw Jesus' face in the trees and clouds.
Another spiritual awakening for me was when I realized that God was not going to destroy me as I had His "book" I had taken out all the pages of Paul's words and burned them. I had blacked out Peter's words. I edited other parts of the Bible. And here I am, I lived to tell about it. That's when I knew -- as direly afraid as I was after I did that, and equally convinced it was the right thing to do -- that God was a very forgiving individual.
I try to love myself to the best of my ability. That's what God is to me: love. I love most people too. Step 12 tells me that it is okay to love other addicts.... That it is okay to confront them about using drugs or alcohol. That it is okay to lay down the boundaries that I won't put up with using around me. I get closer to Spirit when I love freely. That means loving myself as well (it's very hard to truly love another when we don't love ourselves) I haven't found many opportunities to 12th step others, but I know that the Spirit will lead me to that. To me loving is a way of life. It is bigger then recovery and larger then life. There are many ways to serve other people, and it will make one feel better. After all, wasn't feeling better what we were after all along.
I guess part of my message is that we have no hard/fast laws in recovery including doing the steps in order. I did eventually do the steps in order, and they were relatively easy for me after I had found God. If we reach out to God to find the solution to our insanity and addiction, we will eventually find our way. Love is everywhere -- and my God is love -- just like the bookmark said. Love makes the world go round.... It's so hard to communicate all the proof that God is love, and I don't want to proselytize. (I'm technically Christopagan.) I just know that Jesus is okay with my nature loving, pagan ways as well as believing in Him. If Jesus is okay with me, I should be okay with me.
Like it says in the Basic Text "A spiritual awakening is an ongoing process. We experience a wider view of reality as we grow spiritually. An opening of our minds to new spiritual and physical experiences is the key to better awareness. As we grow spiritually we become attuned to our feelings and our purpose in life." chapter 10, p 101. I am always growing.... Love is a journey not a destination. As I grow, I realize that I have much to learn about loving yet.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Healthy Relationships
Recovery is also about developing healthy relationships in our lives. Many of us have dysfunctional families and relationships in our lives.
"How fortunate that we are now in a positon to make healthy decisions about our relationships!" today's entry, Each Day A New Beginning, "No longer the victim, we have the personal power to choose how we want to spend our time and with whom."
Conventional wisdom says that we choose our friends but we don't choose our family. Though there is a lot to be said for tolerance and patience in relationships with family members, we don't have to tolerate drug or alcohol abuse in our relationships with family members. It is perfectly alright to love such people from a distance, especially since they are probably a danger to our own sobriety. We CAN choose who in our family we wish to develop relationships with, including parents. It is also impossible for a woman to develop a healthy relationship with "perverts" or child molesters. It is very hard to have relationships with family members who support (and believe) those people as well. We have the right to lay down boundaries -- unfortunately some will not tolerate our right to do so and will either ignore them or stop talking to us. We have to be able to let go of those people, even if they are family. It is alright to not have relationships with family members who do not support us.
My family is like that. Most of them are actively using addicts and alcoholics. They don't want me to have boundaries with them. I get little respect from most of my family. My father, in particular, who left pornography in the kids' bathroom when we were growing up, and put his hand on my rear end the one and only time we hugged, is impossible to get along with. He does not communicate with people much at all -- and shows no love to anyone that I can think of. Hell, he doesn't even clean up after himself. My family supports him wholeheartedly because he finished college and "don't you know how hard that is...." I committed a crime against him -- in part because he looks like a very respectable upper middle class person and gets away with everything he does, and my whole family, and even some old friends, took his side in disowning me. I know for a fact that one can life without toxic family members. Since I am not supposed to, by law, contact any of those people, I no longer feel "obligated" to keep relationships going with people who never call, show no support, never write, and have extreme conditions on their love. I hope that others who read this involved in toxic relationships realize they don't have to be in them. It is a lot like getting a tumor cut out of our bodies -- sure it hurts at first, but then it feels so much better.
I've been suckered into many "mini-relationships" with "perverts" and sexually abusive types of men in the now-distant past. I had what could best be called learned helplessness in those kind of relationships. I also had fear of being alone. I really did want to find a nice guy to raise a family with and did not want to be a single parent. I did have two beautiful children with men like that, and found the idea that they might abuse my daughters too was absolutely intolerable to me. So I gave my daughters up for adoption. Some values I refuse to compromise, and it may have saved my children's life and innocence.... I don't believe in any form of child abuse. Sexually abusive men don't listen in the bedroom, and don't obey women. They don't seem to have any qualms about hitting kids either. I knew I wouldn't be able to stop them from hitting or doing worse to my children. So I figured why bother.
I've been single now for over ten years. I did have one tryst with someone who was aggressively persuing me in treatment -- he wouldn't take "I'm not interested" as an answer, even though I told him that a lot. I put up with him for a little while, because my own attraction to him was blinding me to ill treatment. I really should have turned him in. I still battle with that learned helplessness. I also battle with what society requires as proof for sexual misconduct. One man in treatment exposed himself to me. They did not charge him with indecent exposure like they should have -- he was charged with disorderly conduct. What exactly does it take for a woman to find justice, anyway? I really want to know....
I'm fed up with bad relationships. I guess that's good, because I don't have any relationships with toxic people any more. I refuse to put up with abuse. It simply isn't worth the pain. I learned about broken bones when I broke my ankle in February 2007 going down my stairs. I don't want any person breaking my bones, or murdering me. I lost my mother at a young age, and I don't want to do that to my kids....
I also take responsibility for my own feelings. This is essential for anyone in a healthy type of relationship. We don't have to put up with people blaming us for their feelings -- even if they are family. Oh sure, we can hurt others, and others can hurt us (or make us laugh), but other then that, we must own our feelings. We should develop relationships with people who are willing to take responsibility for themselves. It's something I've learned to do since I've been in treatment. It was something I was working on before I started using, and am continuing to work on now. I use I statements in conflicts wherever possible -- not that I have many conflicts any more. I cannot blame my actions on anyone else, either. I didn't make anyone else do anything either. I am a people too, and deserve the same respect, trust and love that I give others. I know that confidence, honesty and some degree of discernment can keep the predatory types at bay. They sometimes punish us for honesty, but often they run from it like the cowards they truly are.
Remember -- we choose who we hang out with. We can change our minds at any time. We don't have to live in chains. We often have the key, and it is often found in some kind of recovery program, whether it be Alanon, Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, etc....
"How fortunate that we are now in a positon to make healthy decisions about our relationships!" today's entry, Each Day A New Beginning, "No longer the victim, we have the personal power to choose how we want to spend our time and with whom."
Conventional wisdom says that we choose our friends but we don't choose our family. Though there is a lot to be said for tolerance and patience in relationships with family members, we don't have to tolerate drug or alcohol abuse in our relationships with family members. It is perfectly alright to love such people from a distance, especially since they are probably a danger to our own sobriety. We CAN choose who in our family we wish to develop relationships with, including parents. It is also impossible for a woman to develop a healthy relationship with "perverts" or child molesters. It is very hard to have relationships with family members who support (and believe) those people as well. We have the right to lay down boundaries -- unfortunately some will not tolerate our right to do so and will either ignore them or stop talking to us. We have to be able to let go of those people, even if they are family. It is alright to not have relationships with family members who do not support us.
My family is like that. Most of them are actively using addicts and alcoholics. They don't want me to have boundaries with them. I get little respect from most of my family. My father, in particular, who left pornography in the kids' bathroom when we were growing up, and put his hand on my rear end the one and only time we hugged, is impossible to get along with. He does not communicate with people much at all -- and shows no love to anyone that I can think of. Hell, he doesn't even clean up after himself. My family supports him wholeheartedly because he finished college and "don't you know how hard that is...." I committed a crime against him -- in part because he looks like a very respectable upper middle class person and gets away with everything he does, and my whole family, and even some old friends, took his side in disowning me. I know for a fact that one can life without toxic family members. Since I am not supposed to, by law, contact any of those people, I no longer feel "obligated" to keep relationships going with people who never call, show no support, never write, and have extreme conditions on their love. I hope that others who read this involved in toxic relationships realize they don't have to be in them. It is a lot like getting a tumor cut out of our bodies -- sure it hurts at first, but then it feels so much better.
I've been suckered into many "mini-relationships" with "perverts" and sexually abusive types of men in the now-distant past. I had what could best be called learned helplessness in those kind of relationships. I also had fear of being alone. I really did want to find a nice guy to raise a family with and did not want to be a single parent. I did have two beautiful children with men like that, and found the idea that they might abuse my daughters too was absolutely intolerable to me. So I gave my daughters up for adoption. Some values I refuse to compromise, and it may have saved my children's life and innocence.... I don't believe in any form of child abuse. Sexually abusive men don't listen in the bedroom, and don't obey women. They don't seem to have any qualms about hitting kids either. I knew I wouldn't be able to stop them from hitting or doing worse to my children. So I figured why bother.
I've been single now for over ten years. I did have one tryst with someone who was aggressively persuing me in treatment -- he wouldn't take "I'm not interested" as an answer, even though I told him that a lot. I put up with him for a little while, because my own attraction to him was blinding me to ill treatment. I really should have turned him in. I still battle with that learned helplessness. I also battle with what society requires as proof for sexual misconduct. One man in treatment exposed himself to me. They did not charge him with indecent exposure like they should have -- he was charged with disorderly conduct. What exactly does it take for a woman to find justice, anyway? I really want to know....
I'm fed up with bad relationships. I guess that's good, because I don't have any relationships with toxic people any more. I refuse to put up with abuse. It simply isn't worth the pain. I learned about broken bones when I broke my ankle in February 2007 going down my stairs. I don't want any person breaking my bones, or murdering me. I lost my mother at a young age, and I don't want to do that to my kids....
I also take responsibility for my own feelings. This is essential for anyone in a healthy type of relationship. We don't have to put up with people blaming us for their feelings -- even if they are family. Oh sure, we can hurt others, and others can hurt us (or make us laugh), but other then that, we must own our feelings. We should develop relationships with people who are willing to take responsibility for themselves. It's something I've learned to do since I've been in treatment. It was something I was working on before I started using, and am continuing to work on now. I use I statements in conflicts wherever possible -- not that I have many conflicts any more. I cannot blame my actions on anyone else, either. I didn't make anyone else do anything either. I am a people too, and deserve the same respect, trust and love that I give others. I know that confidence, honesty and some degree of discernment can keep the predatory types at bay. They sometimes punish us for honesty, but often they run from it like the cowards they truly are.
Remember -- we choose who we hang out with. We can change our minds at any time. We don't have to live in chains. We often have the key, and it is often found in some kind of recovery program, whether it be Alanon, Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, etc....
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Putting Recovery First
Recovery definitely needs to come first. It is the way out of all of the chaos, and destruction. Recovery is more to me then just not using drugs. Recovery is about recovering from abuse and mental illness too. If I am not functional, everything around me will be or will seem dysfunctional. They say, in recovery, that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've also been told that insanity is repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again....
I know that insanity is when it is really difficult to tell fantasy from reality. Drugs mess with my perceptions a lot. I don't perceive other's emotions correctly. I don't understand what people are trying to say. I can't read when I'm high.... I am dysfunctional and insane when I am using. The dark side of my imagination takes over, and the things I imagine become real to me.
I have to be functional to cope with reality. I have to be functional if I want relationships with others. I have to be able to pay attention. I can't pay attention if my imagination has taken over.... I have to be functional to pay bills, clean my house, work, etc.... That's why my recovery comes first.
I can't let anyone else interfere with my recovery either. It's a choice to use drugs up until that first hit or first drink -- then insanity takes over and I no longer have a choice in the matter. I can't be around people that are going to tempt or pressure me into using.
Recovery is more then just being clean. Recovery is about learning to be more honest with ourselves and others. Recovery is about taking responsibility for our actions, and being held accountable. Recovery is basically about becoming a better person, believing in a higher good (or higher love), and becoming more spiritual. No matter what myth tells us, the way to connect with our higher power in the closest way possible is not by using mind or mood altering substances. I know because my relationship with God, Goddess, Jesus and the Spirit is very good, and I can trust Them. We can't find it in our hearts to love and trust really anyone when we are high on drugs. We especially cannot find it to love or trust fully when high.....
We have to take steps. There is no elevator or escalator to Heaven. We cannot let anyone stop us from taking the necessary steps. "The enormity of the change required in our lives can be paralyzing. We know we can't take care of all that needs to be done, not all at once." today's Just For Today entry. The way to do that is to take steps. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. We've probably had plenty of practice letting things slide, if we are addicted. Thus, we must use that tendency to turn the tables on drugs. If we are using, our most obvious problem is the drugs. They must go if anything else is to change.... If that is the most important problem, then recovery must become the most important thing to us.
I am on a journey of love. It is loving to myself to not use.... I am journeying to find more love. It is not a boring journey -- not at all. Love means taking risks. Love means that I stick up for those that need someone to stick up for them. It can be dangerous to love. In my humble opinion, if I was not afraid to take my life into my hands by using, then I should not allow any fear to keep me from doing courageous things.... Oh, don't get me wrong, I often get bored, but at least there is no crisis going on. There was always a crisis when I was using, and I take comfort from the fact that my life is not in constant crisis anymore. I have good self esteem and confidence now, which is priceless. I can think clearly, and thank the Spirit, I can read and comprehend what I am reading.....
I cannot afford to use. Those that love and depend on me cannot afford for me to use. I need to remain emotionally available to those people. I know how awful it was to grow up with parents that were emotionally unavailable. They did not understand. They did not help me out -- aside from providing food, shelter and sometimes clothing. They thought that was good enough, and reminded me often that they were giving me "room and board". I know that kids need love to thrive. I want my kids to thrive.... Therefore what I need to do to recover comes first in my life. Right now, nobody is arguing with me. I hope for the future, that nobody will really make me choose between their selfish needs and my recovery -- because I will have to choose recovery.
Some say this is a "selfish" program. I'm not sure that selfish is quite the right word, but it IS about self improvement. We can provide better for others when we are healthy ourselves. It is not selfish, in my book, to take care of oneself. It's too darn important, and deserves priority.
I know that insanity is when it is really difficult to tell fantasy from reality. Drugs mess with my perceptions a lot. I don't perceive other's emotions correctly. I don't understand what people are trying to say. I can't read when I'm high.... I am dysfunctional and insane when I am using. The dark side of my imagination takes over, and the things I imagine become real to me.
I have to be functional to cope with reality. I have to be functional if I want relationships with others. I have to be able to pay attention. I can't pay attention if my imagination has taken over.... I have to be functional to pay bills, clean my house, work, etc.... That's why my recovery comes first.
I can't let anyone else interfere with my recovery either. It's a choice to use drugs up until that first hit or first drink -- then insanity takes over and I no longer have a choice in the matter. I can't be around people that are going to tempt or pressure me into using.
Recovery is more then just being clean. Recovery is about learning to be more honest with ourselves and others. Recovery is about taking responsibility for our actions, and being held accountable. Recovery is basically about becoming a better person, believing in a higher good (or higher love), and becoming more spiritual. No matter what myth tells us, the way to connect with our higher power in the closest way possible is not by using mind or mood altering substances. I know because my relationship with God, Goddess, Jesus and the Spirit is very good, and I can trust Them. We can't find it in our hearts to love and trust really anyone when we are high on drugs. We especially cannot find it to love or trust fully when high.....
We have to take steps. There is no elevator or escalator to Heaven. We cannot let anyone stop us from taking the necessary steps. "The enormity of the change required in our lives can be paralyzing. We know we can't take care of all that needs to be done, not all at once." today's Just For Today entry. The way to do that is to take steps. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. We've probably had plenty of practice letting things slide, if we are addicted. Thus, we must use that tendency to turn the tables on drugs. If we are using, our most obvious problem is the drugs. They must go if anything else is to change.... If that is the most important problem, then recovery must become the most important thing to us.
I am on a journey of love. It is loving to myself to not use.... I am journeying to find more love. It is not a boring journey -- not at all. Love means taking risks. Love means that I stick up for those that need someone to stick up for them. It can be dangerous to love. In my humble opinion, if I was not afraid to take my life into my hands by using, then I should not allow any fear to keep me from doing courageous things.... Oh, don't get me wrong, I often get bored, but at least there is no crisis going on. There was always a crisis when I was using, and I take comfort from the fact that my life is not in constant crisis anymore. I have good self esteem and confidence now, which is priceless. I can think clearly, and thank the Spirit, I can read and comprehend what I am reading.....
I cannot afford to use. Those that love and depend on me cannot afford for me to use. I need to remain emotionally available to those people. I know how awful it was to grow up with parents that were emotionally unavailable. They did not understand. They did not help me out -- aside from providing food, shelter and sometimes clothing. They thought that was good enough, and reminded me often that they were giving me "room and board". I know that kids need love to thrive. I want my kids to thrive.... Therefore what I need to do to recover comes first in my life. Right now, nobody is arguing with me. I hope for the future, that nobody will really make me choose between their selfish needs and my recovery -- because I will have to choose recovery.
Some say this is a "selfish" program. I'm not sure that selfish is quite the right word, but it IS about self improvement. We can provide better for others when we are healthy ourselves. It is not selfish, in my book, to take care of oneself. It's too darn important, and deserves priority.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Empathy
Empathy and compassion are the same thing to me. Compassion means to feel passionately another person's feelings, or as closely as possible. They mean that a person is willing to walk a mile in another person's shoes. It means feeling another person's pain or, at least, respecting it.
Empathy is a great first resort when dealing with people. It's a good idea to listen and try to understand where people are really coming from. I've spent my life trying to be empathetic to others.... Love was quite the rare commodity in my family, and I didn't feel that was right. I took the golden rule to heart, and I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. I love it when people try to understand where I'm coming from.
Most people really appreciate it when others try to understand them. There are some, though, that will take advantage of other's concern. I didn't used to believe in evil, really, and was a big sucker for sob stories. I ended up, quite often, getting taken advantage of -- usually by men. I've since learned that empathy does not mean being a doormat. Nowadays, I have a kind of detached compassion for others. I don't put my whole heart and soul into it. I don't believe it's too healthy to be blown whichever way the wind goes. Empathy is wasted on evil people. They don't feel love. There's no point in giving something to someone who will only take more by force. You see, I used to feel for the "monsters." I'd see lots of pain there. They couldn't "help" the way they were. But there is such a thing as being too compassionate.... We have to draw the line somewhere, and I draw it with people who prove themselves to be abusive and/or predatory.
When I started using, I took a vacation from compassion. I gave up everything and everyone I knew. I stopped treating others with love. It wasn't entirely a bad decision.... I really wanted to start over -- but that's very hard when one is on drugs. I only got sexually assaulted once while I was using. There were other addicts I really needed some distance and perspective on.
I really appreciate the love and compassion/empathy I've gotten from others in the program. Some people really seem to care. People relate their own experiences to mine quite often. It is not wasted on me. Therefore, it probably isn't wasted on others too. I spent a lot of time in the past putting up with not so compassionate treatment from others. Most of the people I hung out with were emotionally unavailable and lousy listeners. Drug use prevents people from being emotionally available. I prefer to hang out with people who care, now. I too, deserve to be treated like I matter -- like my feelings are important.
We have to have compassion for ourselves, too. We need to see both sides of an issue. You are a people too, and deserve the same good treatment you give others. Compassion for the self means not puttin yourself down and/or beating yourself up. It means not calling yourself stupid just because you did something stupid or trusted someone. It's compassionate toward the self and others to try to be a good person, and not call yourself a bad person.
Admitting we are powerless over an addiction is very compassionate. It means we accept that we have limitations, that we are fallible and human. When we accept this about ourselves, it is easier to accept this about others. Compassion and empathy does not mean putting others on a pedestal. It makes it much easier to forgive ourselves and others.
I have gone back to being empathetic towards others as a general rule. I really do care about others. Nowadays, though, I am more cautious. I don't spend a lot of time on others who want to "get with me" without knowing me very well. I also don't put up with people who are actively using. Empathy is the lifeblood of true friendship, and true friendship is a two way street.
I will not give up on love -- I refuse! To be unloving would make me no better then a predator!
Empathy is a great first resort when dealing with people. It's a good idea to listen and try to understand where people are really coming from. I've spent my life trying to be empathetic to others.... Love was quite the rare commodity in my family, and I didn't feel that was right. I took the golden rule to heart, and I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. I love it when people try to understand where I'm coming from.
Most people really appreciate it when others try to understand them. There are some, though, that will take advantage of other's concern. I didn't used to believe in evil, really, and was a big sucker for sob stories. I ended up, quite often, getting taken advantage of -- usually by men. I've since learned that empathy does not mean being a doormat. Nowadays, I have a kind of detached compassion for others. I don't put my whole heart and soul into it. I don't believe it's too healthy to be blown whichever way the wind goes. Empathy is wasted on evil people. They don't feel love. There's no point in giving something to someone who will only take more by force. You see, I used to feel for the "monsters." I'd see lots of pain there. They couldn't "help" the way they were. But there is such a thing as being too compassionate.... We have to draw the line somewhere, and I draw it with people who prove themselves to be abusive and/or predatory.
When I started using, I took a vacation from compassion. I gave up everything and everyone I knew. I stopped treating others with love. It wasn't entirely a bad decision.... I really wanted to start over -- but that's very hard when one is on drugs. I only got sexually assaulted once while I was using. There were other addicts I really needed some distance and perspective on.
I really appreciate the love and compassion/empathy I've gotten from others in the program. Some people really seem to care. People relate their own experiences to mine quite often. It is not wasted on me. Therefore, it probably isn't wasted on others too. I spent a lot of time in the past putting up with not so compassionate treatment from others. Most of the people I hung out with were emotionally unavailable and lousy listeners. Drug use prevents people from being emotionally available. I prefer to hang out with people who care, now. I too, deserve to be treated like I matter -- like my feelings are important.
We have to have compassion for ourselves, too. We need to see both sides of an issue. You are a people too, and deserve the same good treatment you give others. Compassion for the self means not puttin yourself down and/or beating yourself up. It means not calling yourself stupid just because you did something stupid or trusted someone. It's compassionate toward the self and others to try to be a good person, and not call yourself a bad person.
Admitting we are powerless over an addiction is very compassionate. It means we accept that we have limitations, that we are fallible and human. When we accept this about ourselves, it is easier to accept this about others. Compassion and empathy does not mean putting others on a pedestal. It makes it much easier to forgive ourselves and others.
I have gone back to being empathetic towards others as a general rule. I really do care about others. Nowadays, though, I am more cautious. I don't spend a lot of time on others who want to "get with me" without knowing me very well. I also don't put up with people who are actively using. Empathy is the lifeblood of true friendship, and true friendship is a two way street.
I will not give up on love -- I refuse! To be unloving would make me no better then a predator!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Spiritual Maintenance
My relationship with God, Goddess, The Spirit and Jesus is the most important thing to me today.
Quite honestly, when I was locked up in jail for a year and a half, the only people that were there for me was my Higher Power. I learned to talk to them daily in jail. And, they speak to me too.
I learned about the Goddess when I was around 20. I could not deal with the idea that God was a man, and I could see the Goddess in my head. She was always there; I would always see Her there whenever I wanted too. I could feel Her too. You see I've been through a lot of sexual abuse -- all of it done by male humans (I really can't, in good conscience, call them men. None of them were mature or chivalrous or even protective.)
I've been seeking God, Goddess and Heaven for many many years now. My mother died when I was three, and I wanted confirmation of some kind that there was a place she was at and that her soul was still alive. I was told she was an angel by my adoptive mom, and I was seeking proof. I still miss her to this day. I grew up in one violent, drunken home, and another addicted, Godless home.... I had two different families growing up. It's very complicated for others to understand and I won't go into it here.
I was willing to do anything to find the Spirit. I was willing to try anything to bring me closer to the divine, and thus my mother. I met a man who seemed very spiritual to me. He sang a lot about love. He also smoked marijuana and treated it as something sacred. So, I figured I could also find what I was looking for if I smoked the "sacred herb." Imagine my surprise when I found myself addicted. I looked past his obvious problems -- he changed girlfriends like people changed clothes. He was a bit of a snob -- unwilling to work like the rest of us, using women for food, shelter and clothing. I told one of his girlfriends to kick him out, because I really didn't think it was cool for a white man to use this Native Hawaiian woman for money. It seemed a little racist to me. He was also critical, had a lot of walls up, and uncommunicative. I don't think he ever forgave me for that, because she took my advice. Shortly thereafter they broke up. I was not impressed with the fact that he started dating a rich white girl who had been "crawling all over him" in front of his girlfriend.... But, by then I was addicted.
I did not feel the "love" while addicted. I felt isolated, cut off and anxious if I am to be honest about it.
I spend a lot of time having conversations with God. I made peace with the masculine image of God and Jesus. I often see Jesus' face in my head and He is a very expressive entity. Sometimes He'll nod or shake His head no if I ask for advice. I often see Jesus laugh. I get messages too.
It was shortly after my second daughter was born that I lost an aunt to cancer. I was convinced at the time there was no God. I was also very much addicted at the time. I saw Jesus' face in the tree branches, in the clouds and in the wood grain of my cupboards (really!) Since then I've been talking to my Higher Power on a regular basis. I was even talking to them while I was addicted. For awhile, while psychotic, I was desperately afraid of "sinning" and became a born again Christian. I threw out all my divination and astrology stuff. But I decided eventually that I could not discount all the times I talked to the Goddess -- and was answered.
I have not stopped talking and listening to my Higher Power. I meditate every day. Unfortunately (?) I have issues with getting on my knees. My stepdad used to make me get on my knees to beat the crap out of me and it makes me feel shameful. My Higher Power does not seem to mind. I often see Jesus holding me in my head and I feel love. Maintaining my spirituality is not difficult for me. I try to act "good" and compassionate all the time. I express love even if I am not feeling it at the moment -- I call it the 'will to love." Eventually my feelings come around, and I "feel the love" again. When I was two -- I was told I announced in a church "God is everywhere," and I still believe it. Love IS everywhere. I just need to reach out to maintain my spirituality.
Quite honestly, when I was locked up in jail for a year and a half, the only people that were there for me was my Higher Power. I learned to talk to them daily in jail. And, they speak to me too.
I learned about the Goddess when I was around 20. I could not deal with the idea that God was a man, and I could see the Goddess in my head. She was always there; I would always see Her there whenever I wanted too. I could feel Her too. You see I've been through a lot of sexual abuse -- all of it done by male humans (I really can't, in good conscience, call them men. None of them were mature or chivalrous or even protective.)
I've been seeking God, Goddess and Heaven for many many years now. My mother died when I was three, and I wanted confirmation of some kind that there was a place she was at and that her soul was still alive. I was told she was an angel by my adoptive mom, and I was seeking proof. I still miss her to this day. I grew up in one violent, drunken home, and another addicted, Godless home.... I had two different families growing up. It's very complicated for others to understand and I won't go into it here.
I was willing to do anything to find the Spirit. I was willing to try anything to bring me closer to the divine, and thus my mother. I met a man who seemed very spiritual to me. He sang a lot about love. He also smoked marijuana and treated it as something sacred. So, I figured I could also find what I was looking for if I smoked the "sacred herb." Imagine my surprise when I found myself addicted. I looked past his obvious problems -- he changed girlfriends like people changed clothes. He was a bit of a snob -- unwilling to work like the rest of us, using women for food, shelter and clothing. I told one of his girlfriends to kick him out, because I really didn't think it was cool for a white man to use this Native Hawaiian woman for money. It seemed a little racist to me. He was also critical, had a lot of walls up, and uncommunicative. I don't think he ever forgave me for that, because she took my advice. Shortly thereafter they broke up. I was not impressed with the fact that he started dating a rich white girl who had been "crawling all over him" in front of his girlfriend.... But, by then I was addicted.
I did not feel the "love" while addicted. I felt isolated, cut off and anxious if I am to be honest about it.
I spend a lot of time having conversations with God. I made peace with the masculine image of God and Jesus. I often see Jesus' face in my head and He is a very expressive entity. Sometimes He'll nod or shake His head no if I ask for advice. I often see Jesus laugh. I get messages too.
It was shortly after my second daughter was born that I lost an aunt to cancer. I was convinced at the time there was no God. I was also very much addicted at the time. I saw Jesus' face in the tree branches, in the clouds and in the wood grain of my cupboards (really!) Since then I've been talking to my Higher Power on a regular basis. I was even talking to them while I was addicted. For awhile, while psychotic, I was desperately afraid of "sinning" and became a born again Christian. I threw out all my divination and astrology stuff. But I decided eventually that I could not discount all the times I talked to the Goddess -- and was answered.
I have not stopped talking and listening to my Higher Power. I meditate every day. Unfortunately (?) I have issues with getting on my knees. My stepdad used to make me get on my knees to beat the crap out of me and it makes me feel shameful. My Higher Power does not seem to mind. I often see Jesus holding me in my head and I feel love. Maintaining my spirituality is not difficult for me. I try to act "good" and compassionate all the time. I express love even if I am not feeling it at the moment -- I call it the 'will to love." Eventually my feelings come around, and I "feel the love" again. When I was two -- I was told I announced in a church "God is everywhere," and I still believe it. Love IS everywhere. I just need to reach out to maintain my spirituality.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Over Time, Not Overnight
A lot of newcomers wonder when they are going to start feeling better after they quit using. They want to know why things aren't getting better yet. This takes time.
I know when I was forced to quit, and even the couple of times I quit voluntarily, there was a lot of anger and hatred that came up. I found that I hated everyone. Most people, even other actively using addicts, did not want to put up with my drug use. They did not want me around. Some of these feelings were rational. It's hard not to be angry at being rejected at every turn by mostly everyone. It's hard not to be angry at myself for allowing my anxiety and paranoia to keep me from trying to establish friendships. I'd have to say that 98% of "friendships" developed while actively addicted are NOT real friendships. I know that sometimes friendship is real when a person is using, because I was a real friend to my old best friend while she was using. But she often didn't want to hear anything I had to say, and I let her do most of the talking. I suppose she wasn't that good a friend to me.... But, I was there also because of her kids -- whom I loved a lot. I helped take care of them, probably due to giving up my first daughter for adoption and missing her. She never said thank you for the times I watched her kids or offered to pay me in any way.
That, in itself fueled the fires of my addiction. I had been used by my best friend and that was a good excuse to use drugs. I knew that my using pot would either bring out concern in her or chase her away. Either alternative was preferable to being used by her. I hated her for awhile after I quit. I was sooooooo angry. And of course, the situation did not work itself out. She still uses prescription pain killers for recreation..... She still doesn't really care about others too much. But I am clean, so that is a good thing. And I live far away from her, so I don't feel obligated to watch her kids when she won't take care of them.
"We expect our physical problems to correct themselves, our thinking to become rational, and a fully developed spiritual life to manifest itself overnight." today's Just For Today entry.
I was so depressed after I quit too. The marijuana did help me suppress suicidal urges and laugh off the effects of my psychosis for a couple hours every time I'd smoke it. One of my other excuses for using was "Well, if I can't feel better by being spiritual, I might as well do something that makes me feel good." I've said this before -- I don't like pills and didn't want to take antidepressants. I didn't think humans knew enough about our brains, actually, to help me. Boy, I battled with suicidal urges the entire time I was getting clean. But, fortunately, my illnesses (depression, PTSD, and psychosis) are treatable and effectively treatable, at that.
The sky began to clear for me a couple of weeks after I started taking Zoloft, which is used to treat both PTSD and depression. I felt better, but not "high." I didn't really feel anxious too much either after it started working. Oh, I still had problems left over from the addiction. I had problems sleeping. I had problems with reading comprehension. I think reading was the thing I missed the most while addicted. Marijuana really interferes with reading comprehension. I could NOT make sense out of most things I read, so I gave it up during my addiction. It took about two and a half years for my reading comprehension to come back to normal. I know I read lots of books during those two and a half years, but I couldn't remember what I had read a couple of pages before....
It took a few months to a year for me to think rationally about the people I had known too. I had been a very forgiving person (perhaps too forgiving) before I started using. While I was addicted I didn't put up with any thing from anyone, real or imagined. It took me a little while to come back to forgiving others.... And it took me longer to forgive myself. It wasn't my fault I got addicted, but it is my responsibility to stay clean. I like myself a lot better now... That forgiveness takes time and is of a higher power.... It is essential to feeling better. We learn to forgive others and ourselves as a consequence of having a connection to our higher power.
It will get better if you stop using, if you are an addict thinking of quitting and reading this. It will take time.... But, as you spend that time, you will develop patience. Another essential quality to being an adult in such a scary and wonderful world.
I know when I was forced to quit, and even the couple of times I quit voluntarily, there was a lot of anger and hatred that came up. I found that I hated everyone. Most people, even other actively using addicts, did not want to put up with my drug use. They did not want me around. Some of these feelings were rational. It's hard not to be angry at being rejected at every turn by mostly everyone. It's hard not to be angry at myself for allowing my anxiety and paranoia to keep me from trying to establish friendships. I'd have to say that 98% of "friendships" developed while actively addicted are NOT real friendships. I know that sometimes friendship is real when a person is using, because I was a real friend to my old best friend while she was using. But she often didn't want to hear anything I had to say, and I let her do most of the talking. I suppose she wasn't that good a friend to me.... But, I was there also because of her kids -- whom I loved a lot. I helped take care of them, probably due to giving up my first daughter for adoption and missing her. She never said thank you for the times I watched her kids or offered to pay me in any way.
That, in itself fueled the fires of my addiction. I had been used by my best friend and that was a good excuse to use drugs. I knew that my using pot would either bring out concern in her or chase her away. Either alternative was preferable to being used by her. I hated her for awhile after I quit. I was sooooooo angry. And of course, the situation did not work itself out. She still uses prescription pain killers for recreation..... She still doesn't really care about others too much. But I am clean, so that is a good thing. And I live far away from her, so I don't feel obligated to watch her kids when she won't take care of them.
"We expect our physical problems to correct themselves, our thinking to become rational, and a fully developed spiritual life to manifest itself overnight." today's Just For Today entry.
I was so depressed after I quit too. The marijuana did help me suppress suicidal urges and laugh off the effects of my psychosis for a couple hours every time I'd smoke it. One of my other excuses for using was "Well, if I can't feel better by being spiritual, I might as well do something that makes me feel good." I've said this before -- I don't like pills and didn't want to take antidepressants. I didn't think humans knew enough about our brains, actually, to help me. Boy, I battled with suicidal urges the entire time I was getting clean. But, fortunately, my illnesses (depression, PTSD, and psychosis) are treatable and effectively treatable, at that.
The sky began to clear for me a couple of weeks after I started taking Zoloft, which is used to treat both PTSD and depression. I felt better, but not "high." I didn't really feel anxious too much either after it started working. Oh, I still had problems left over from the addiction. I had problems sleeping. I had problems with reading comprehension. I think reading was the thing I missed the most while addicted. Marijuana really interferes with reading comprehension. I could NOT make sense out of most things I read, so I gave it up during my addiction. It took about two and a half years for my reading comprehension to come back to normal. I know I read lots of books during those two and a half years, but I couldn't remember what I had read a couple of pages before....
It took a few months to a year for me to think rationally about the people I had known too. I had been a very forgiving person (perhaps too forgiving) before I started using. While I was addicted I didn't put up with any thing from anyone, real or imagined. It took me a little while to come back to forgiving others.... And it took me longer to forgive myself. It wasn't my fault I got addicted, but it is my responsibility to stay clean. I like myself a lot better now... That forgiveness takes time and is of a higher power.... It is essential to feeling better. We learn to forgive others and ourselves as a consequence of having a connection to our higher power.
It will get better if you stop using, if you are an addict thinking of quitting and reading this. It will take time.... But, as you spend that time, you will develop patience. Another essential quality to being an adult in such a scary and wonderful world.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
The Fellowship
"From the isolation of our addiction, we find a fellowhip of people with a common bond of recovery. N.A. is like a lifeboat in a sea of isolation, hopelessness and destructive chaos."
I have mixed feelings about the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I don't really feel the "love" from a lot of the men in the program. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a partner or lover or anything like that. It would just be nice to make friends with a man or two in the program who didn't want to "get in my pants" and wasn't a jerk!
In the area where I live, the vast majority of the people in the program are white too. (I could safely say 99%) I am not comfortable around all white people. I can't help but wonder what chases off the people of other races and/or cultures? Is it their prejudices, ours or a combination of both? I was raised by an interracial couple for the first ten years of my life and I like a multicultural society better.
I am grateful for the wonderful women I've met in the program. I have made friends with a few of them. Those women are in Alcoholics Anonymous, though. Perhaps, like me, they got frightened of the kind of men who usually become addicts and turned to AA. Because most of my women friends now are addicts, but they don't go to the local NA meetings. I am especially grateful for my wonderful sponsor. I love her to death. She knows that I would not respond well to uncalled for "tough love." I am not a problem sponsee..... The very thought of using marijuana again turns my stomach. I have some good clean time behind me. Those few women I am friends with I could call anytime.
I only moved to this area about a year and a half ago.... It takes time to get to know people. I am not really stressing about not feeling the "love" right now, because I have learned patience. I don't have a homegroup yet. I also had some bad experiences with some men in the program. Also, a lot of the people who come to the meetings disappear sooooo fast. I've liked a lot of the newcomers. A lot of these women are great people when they are clean and sober, and then they go back out. I try not to get too attached to newcomers, but that can be difficult at times. I do call people, but my phone isn't exactly ringing off the wall. Perhaps that's because I can be very skeptical of white people in general....
However, I have found some degree of fellowship online. In particular in the Open Recovery Room of http://www.stepchat.com . There are lots of people on there that I can relate to.
Perhaps one of the reasons I am having difficulty is because I also need people who grew up like I did with alcoholics and addicts in my life. I can't seem to find people that want to hear what I have to say about that very often.
One thing I am grateful for is that nowadays, since I've gotten into recovery I've found people that actually will listen to me, and sometimes defend me.
More will be revealed....
Basic Text, chapter 9, p. 94
I have mixed feelings about the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I don't really feel the "love" from a lot of the men in the program. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a partner or lover or anything like that. It would just be nice to make friends with a man or two in the program who didn't want to "get in my pants" and wasn't a jerk!
In the area where I live, the vast majority of the people in the program are white too. (I could safely say 99%) I am not comfortable around all white people. I can't help but wonder what chases off the people of other races and/or cultures? Is it their prejudices, ours or a combination of both? I was raised by an interracial couple for the first ten years of my life and I like a multicultural society better.
I am grateful for the wonderful women I've met in the program. I have made friends with a few of them. Those women are in Alcoholics Anonymous, though. Perhaps, like me, they got frightened of the kind of men who usually become addicts and turned to AA. Because most of my women friends now are addicts, but they don't go to the local NA meetings. I am especially grateful for my wonderful sponsor. I love her to death. She knows that I would not respond well to uncalled for "tough love." I am not a problem sponsee..... The very thought of using marijuana again turns my stomach. I have some good clean time behind me. Those few women I am friends with I could call anytime.
I only moved to this area about a year and a half ago.... It takes time to get to know people. I am not really stressing about not feeling the "love" right now, because I have learned patience. I don't have a homegroup yet. I also had some bad experiences with some men in the program. Also, a lot of the people who come to the meetings disappear sooooo fast. I've liked a lot of the newcomers. A lot of these women are great people when they are clean and sober, and then they go back out. I try not to get too attached to newcomers, but that can be difficult at times. I do call people, but my phone isn't exactly ringing off the wall. Perhaps that's because I can be very skeptical of white people in general....
However, I have found some degree of fellowship online. In particular in the Open Recovery Room of http://www.stepchat.com . There are lots of people on there that I can relate to.
Perhaps one of the reasons I am having difficulty is because I also need people who grew up like I did with alcoholics and addicts in my life. I can't seem to find people that want to hear what I have to say about that very often.
One thing I am grateful for is that nowadays, since I've gotten into recovery I've found people that actually will listen to me, and sometimes defend me.
More will be revealed....
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Spiritual growth
"Spiritual growth, love and compassion are but idle potentials until shared with a fellow addict. By giving unconditional love in the fellowship, we become more loving, and in the sharing of spiritual growth we become more spiritual."
To become more loving of ourselves, of others, and of our higher power is, indeed, the goal of spiritual growth. This is especially true for me, since my higher power IS love..... To me, this means, if I strive to love others and love them a lot, I will not go in the wrong direction.
Sometimes that means "tough love" like when an oldtimer is "harsh" with a newcomer who doesn't want to quit, or like a parent with an errant child. Sometimes this means loving from a distance, especially if we have to detach from those who are actively using. We pray for those people if we are doing it right. Sometimes that's all we can do for some people, especially if all they do is argue with us -- no matter what we say.
Humility is essential to spiritual growth. We must realize, like our constitution says, all of us are created equal. Nearly everyone we meet can teach us something useful. Others have the same potential we have. Step seven says, "We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." We MUST accept that we do have them, and they do stand in the way of spiritual growth. We have to be humble enough to see that spiritual growth is something to be desired.... "We have to understand that our way of thinking is not the only way; other people can give us direction. When someone points out a shortcoming, our first reaction may be defensive. We must realize that we are not perfect. There will always be room for growth. If we truly want to be free, we will take a good look at input from fellow addicts...." Basic Text, Chapter four, p. 35. Spirit does speak through others sometimes....
Love does not thrive on an island of isolation.... "Isolation is dangerous to spiritual growth," Basic Text, chapter 7, p. 81. It needs to flow out from Spirit, to us, and through us, to others and back to us. Often, people who are actively addicted are very isolated, cut off emotionally from others, and unwilling to reach out to others. They are unwilling to hear anything good or good for them. A lot of active addicts will tell you how much against love they are..... They will tell you how awful love is.... They don't give or receive -- they just take what they think they want. I honestly believe that actively using addicts are trying to get the benefits of love, because only love makes us feel good. Love makes us act good..... We naturally associate being good with being spiritual, after all it is the Spirit that defines goodness.
"As we recover, we gain a new outlook on being clean. We enjoy a feeling of release and freedom from the desire to use. We find that everyone we meet eventually has something to offer. Be become able to receive as well as to give. Life can become a new adventure for us. We come to know happiness, joy and freedom." Basic Text, chapter 8, p. 88. That adventure IS spiritual growth. How we handle the unexpected reveals spiritual growth. As we grow spiritually, Spirit makes us feel happier and more free.... Feelings really aren't so awful after all. We develop a tolerance for our own feelings -- they become less raw, destructive, and threatening. "As we grow spiritually we become attuned to our feelings and our purpose in life." Basic Text, chapter 10, p. 101. Our feelings no longer run our lives -- we have a HANDLE on them....
"Sharing with others keeps us from feeling isolated and alone. This process is a creative action of the spirit," Basic Text, chapter 7, p.81. We also learn to communicate better and more effectively if we are growing spiritually. Such things become more important to us the longer we stay clean.... We realize it is NOT all about us, after all, and we lose our egocentric paranoia and grandiosity. We begin to care about others... and thus care about what kind of messages we are sending out. "We recognize our spiritual growth when we are able to reach out and help others. We help others when we participate in service work and try to carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers. We learn that we keep what we have only by giving it away...." Basic Text, Chapter 5, p. 56.
H.O.W. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are essential to growing spiritually. The steps take us down the road of spiritual growth. There is always room for growth. We don't get there, imho, until this life is over and we begin the next.... perhaps we never become perfect -- but who would want to be perfect. I don't even believe that God or Goddess are perfect.
"Loving may be a mistake, but it's worth making" Lee Ann Womack
Basic Text, chapter 10, page 99
To become more loving of ourselves, of others, and of our higher power is, indeed, the goal of spiritual growth. This is especially true for me, since my higher power IS love..... To me, this means, if I strive to love others and love them a lot, I will not go in the wrong direction.
Sometimes that means "tough love" like when an oldtimer is "harsh" with a newcomer who doesn't want to quit, or like a parent with an errant child. Sometimes this means loving from a distance, especially if we have to detach from those who are actively using. We pray for those people if we are doing it right. Sometimes that's all we can do for some people, especially if all they do is argue with us -- no matter what we say.
Humility is essential to spiritual growth. We must realize, like our constitution says, all of us are created equal. Nearly everyone we meet can teach us something useful. Others have the same potential we have. Step seven says, "We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." We MUST accept that we do have them, and they do stand in the way of spiritual growth. We have to be humble enough to see that spiritual growth is something to be desired.... "We have to understand that our way of thinking is not the only way; other people can give us direction. When someone points out a shortcoming, our first reaction may be defensive. We must realize that we are not perfect. There will always be room for growth. If we truly want to be free, we will take a good look at input from fellow addicts...." Basic Text, Chapter four, p. 35. Spirit does speak through others sometimes....
Love does not thrive on an island of isolation.... "Isolation is dangerous to spiritual growth," Basic Text, chapter 7, p. 81. It needs to flow out from Spirit, to us, and through us, to others and back to us. Often, people who are actively addicted are very isolated, cut off emotionally from others, and unwilling to reach out to others. They are unwilling to hear anything good or good for them. A lot of active addicts will tell you how much against love they are..... They will tell you how awful love is.... They don't give or receive -- they just take what they think they want. I honestly believe that actively using addicts are trying to get the benefits of love, because only love makes us feel good. Love makes us act good..... We naturally associate being good with being spiritual, after all it is the Spirit that defines goodness.
"As we recover, we gain a new outlook on being clean. We enjoy a feeling of release and freedom from the desire to use. We find that everyone we meet eventually has something to offer. Be become able to receive as well as to give. Life can become a new adventure for us. We come to know happiness, joy and freedom." Basic Text, chapter 8, p. 88. That adventure IS spiritual growth. How we handle the unexpected reveals spiritual growth. As we grow spiritually, Spirit makes us feel happier and more free.... Feelings really aren't so awful after all. We develop a tolerance for our own feelings -- they become less raw, destructive, and threatening. "As we grow spiritually we become attuned to our feelings and our purpose in life." Basic Text, chapter 10, p. 101. Our feelings no longer run our lives -- we have a HANDLE on them....
"Sharing with others keeps us from feeling isolated and alone. This process is a creative action of the spirit," Basic Text, chapter 7, p.81. We also learn to communicate better and more effectively if we are growing spiritually. Such things become more important to us the longer we stay clean.... We realize it is NOT all about us, after all, and we lose our egocentric paranoia and grandiosity. We begin to care about others... and thus care about what kind of messages we are sending out. "We recognize our spiritual growth when we are able to reach out and help others. We help others when we participate in service work and try to carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers. We learn that we keep what we have only by giving it away...." Basic Text, Chapter 5, p. 56.
H.O.W. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are essential to growing spiritually. The steps take us down the road of spiritual growth. There is always room for growth. We don't get there, imho, until this life is over and we begin the next.... perhaps we never become perfect -- but who would want to be perfect. I don't even believe that God or Goddess are perfect.
"Loving may be a mistake, but it's worth making" Lee Ann Womack
Friday, August 8, 2008
Gratitude
In Buddhism, it is said that suffering comes from desire.... We do suffer when we want more and more, or more and better of whatever it is we have. Now, I don't believe all suffering comes from desire -- other people can and do hurt us at times. But there is truth to that statement. We need to be content with what we have to be happy. "It's so very easy to wish away our lives, never finding satisfaction with our families, our jobs, our friends. The more we find fault with life, the more fault we are guaranteed to find," today's entry in Each Day A New Beginning.
"Gratitude for what's been offered us in our lives softens the harsh attitudes we occasionally harbor," Each Day A New Beginning.
Honestly if we're missing clothing, food or shelter, it is no longer a matter of simple desire. Then something needs to be done. There is a difference between need and desire. Unfortunately many are without the basic needs of survival. But, of many of those people we can find happiness anyway. Their secret is being grateful.
Quite honestly none of us need a big bank account, a fancy car (and I could even argue that one does not need a car at all....), the latest computer or the most fashionable clothes. Things do not make us happy, although they can make us more comfortable. We do not need half the stuff we demand as consumers! I could look at gas, for example.... In the USA gas prices are very low compared to most other countries. People simply aren't grateful for that! As a matter of fact the media portrays the price of gas and oil as some kind of crisis -- which it is not. The way people drive and ignore the rights of pedestrians and bicyclists or their contemptuous attitudes towards same, shows me that people simply aren't grateful they have the convenience of a car! People need exercise in this country too. I often wonder what the heck is wrong with walking, biking and taking the bus? We need better sources of energy (like solar power) anyway -- we can't use a limited supply of fossil fuel forever.... But, oh yeah, most of my classmates slept during those environmental films in school.
A couple of months ago, my sponsor had me make out a gratitude list. I did that and hung it on my closet door in my bedroom where I could see it every morning. I don't always look at it, but every day I can find something to be grateful for. I am a fairly happy person, and I think my "attitude of gratitude" helps me feel that way.
After three years of being homeless, I am extremely grateful that I have shelter -- and not only shelter, but my own place! I have enough food. I am healthy and fit enough to do my own shopping and I take the bus to go shopping. I am grateful I can afford the bus. I am grateful for my creature comforts in my home. I am grateful for the furniture which I got when local college students moved out and left it out on the curb for anyone to take. It's very functional and even looks pretty nice yet.... I am very grateful I have a bed and hot water. I am grateful I have electricity! Some people (even in this country) can't get electricity for their homes, and live without it! And I am grateful I have a working computer, with the internet even, even though it could qualify as an antique!
I am very grateful that I have a wonderful sponsor. I'm in the process of making all new friends, because my old ones left me in their wake either because they were too busy using, or too busy being judgmental. I am grateful that my new friends are willing to be my friend, in spite of the fact that nobody really vouches for me right now. I am grateful I was forced into recovery, and when I committed my crime back in 2002, I was not sent to prison. I am grateful that there are honorable authority figures in this world, and that I can lean on them.
I am grateful that I am loved by my creator. I am grateful that I have two beautiful children even though I didn't and as it turns out couldn't have raised them alone. I am grateful they seem to be happy and healthy. That they have their physical and hopefully, emotional needs met. I am grateful they have extended families (albeit adopted) that care for them. I am grateful I no longer have to put up with any of my exes -- that they are out of my life.
I am not grateful for the abuse I went through (this is known as Stockholm syndrome. Stockholm syndrome is common in people with PTSD.) I have to be real honest with myself and say that I didn't learn anything, or really anything good from it. As a matter of fact I had to unlearn a lot -- which took a lot of valuable time. My whole family turned their back on me before I became pregnant, and there was no physical, emotional or financial support from them, much less the abusive fathers of the two children. There is an exception to every rule, and not being grateful for abuse is it in this case.
I am grateful that I found recovery and because addiction led me to recovery -- I don't regret it. I have to remember that I have a lot. I am grateful too, that I never have been the type who had to keep up with the Joneses. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me (especially because I have no car!) I have so much now that I couldn't have had when I was using, or still codependent, even. Thank you God and Goddess for everything!
"Gratitude for what's been offered us in our lives softens the harsh attitudes we occasionally harbor," Each Day A New Beginning.
Honestly if we're missing clothing, food or shelter, it is no longer a matter of simple desire. Then something needs to be done. There is a difference between need and desire. Unfortunately many are without the basic needs of survival. But, of many of those people we can find happiness anyway. Their secret is being grateful.
Quite honestly none of us need a big bank account, a fancy car (and I could even argue that one does not need a car at all....), the latest computer or the most fashionable clothes. Things do not make us happy, although they can make us more comfortable. We do not need half the stuff we demand as consumers! I could look at gas, for example.... In the USA gas prices are very low compared to most other countries. People simply aren't grateful for that! As a matter of fact the media portrays the price of gas and oil as some kind of crisis -- which it is not. The way people drive and ignore the rights of pedestrians and bicyclists or their contemptuous attitudes towards same, shows me that people simply aren't grateful they have the convenience of a car! People need exercise in this country too. I often wonder what the heck is wrong with walking, biking and taking the bus? We need better sources of energy (like solar power) anyway -- we can't use a limited supply of fossil fuel forever.... But, oh yeah, most of my classmates slept during those environmental films in school.
A couple of months ago, my sponsor had me make out a gratitude list. I did that and hung it on my closet door in my bedroom where I could see it every morning. I don't always look at it, but every day I can find something to be grateful for. I am a fairly happy person, and I think my "attitude of gratitude" helps me feel that way.
After three years of being homeless, I am extremely grateful that I have shelter -- and not only shelter, but my own place! I have enough food. I am healthy and fit enough to do my own shopping and I take the bus to go shopping. I am grateful I can afford the bus. I am grateful for my creature comforts in my home. I am grateful for the furniture which I got when local college students moved out and left it out on the curb for anyone to take. It's very functional and even looks pretty nice yet.... I am very grateful I have a bed and hot water. I am grateful I have electricity! Some people (even in this country) can't get electricity for their homes, and live without it! And I am grateful I have a working computer, with the internet even, even though it could qualify as an antique!
I am very grateful that I have a wonderful sponsor. I'm in the process of making all new friends, because my old ones left me in their wake either because they were too busy using, or too busy being judgmental. I am grateful that my new friends are willing to be my friend, in spite of the fact that nobody really vouches for me right now. I am grateful I was forced into recovery, and when I committed my crime back in 2002, I was not sent to prison. I am grateful that there are honorable authority figures in this world, and that I can lean on them.
I am grateful that I am loved by my creator. I am grateful that I have two beautiful children even though I didn't and as it turns out couldn't have raised them alone. I am grateful they seem to be happy and healthy. That they have their physical and hopefully, emotional needs met. I am grateful they have extended families (albeit adopted) that care for them. I am grateful I no longer have to put up with any of my exes -- that they are out of my life.
I am not grateful for the abuse I went through (this is known as Stockholm syndrome. Stockholm syndrome is common in people with PTSD.) I have to be real honest with myself and say that I didn't learn anything, or really anything good from it. As a matter of fact I had to unlearn a lot -- which took a lot of valuable time. My whole family turned their back on me before I became pregnant, and there was no physical, emotional or financial support from them, much less the abusive fathers of the two children. There is an exception to every rule, and not being grateful for abuse is it in this case.
I am grateful that I found recovery and because addiction led me to recovery -- I don't regret it. I have to remember that I have a lot. I am grateful too, that I never have been the type who had to keep up with the Joneses. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me (especially because I have no car!) I have so much now that I couldn't have had when I was using, or still codependent, even. Thank you God and Goddess for everything!
Changes
"One of the most profound changes in our lives is in the realm of personal relationships."
If we are addicted or alcoholic and we get clean and sober, we will find that we are changing -- usually for the better. We need to make changes. We often have many defects of character that go along with the addictions.
Step seven is the one where we humbly ask God (or whomever/whatever our Higher Power is) to remove our shortcomings. In our inventory we were able to identify those defects. "The Seventh Step is an action step, and it is time to ask God for help and relief. We have to understand that our way of thinking is not the only way; other people can give us direction," Basic Text, chapter four, p 35. We really can feel better....
I know I asked God/dess for help with my irritability, my low tolerance to frustration, low self esteem, and my tendency toward petty theft. And I got help with those things. I find I am now a very patient person -- both with myself and others. Of course, a lot of my irritability came from my clinical depression, which is now being treated. And since anti-depressants work for me, it is unlikely that 20+ years of depression was situational. God/dess helped me get to a place where I could find proper treatment. I know that faith alone was not enough to treat the chemical imbalances in my brain.... I tried that for several years -- going on faith alone -- and it did not work.
In my relationships with others, one of the most profound changes is my ability to set up boundaries. Boundaries are very important. There are certain things that I will not tolerate. I won't tolerate abuse, racism, and sexual harassment. I also will not move on certain issues, especially when I am speaking facts. Some people don't appreciate others' boundaries, and I have to let those people go. I find that being honest about my boundaries, and willing to enforce them deters people that would take advantage of me. Don't get me wrong -- I am a nice person most of the time, but I can be a real b*tch if my rights are trampled upon. I am also learning about detachment, and I often have to detach from users of all kinds.....
I don't really have a relationship now with any active addicts and alcoholics. I laid down the boundary that I will not tolerate their glaringly obvious defects like lying, manipulation, and abusiveness. I don't put up with those things. To be honest, I lost most of my friendships and relationships while I was still using and mentally ill. But I've made it clear that the friendships are not going to be reinstated without them meeting me halfway. I don't want them killing themselves with drugs.
I recently had to let a friend go because he believes that rape is some form of sex and does not want me to talk about the subject. I was very honest with him, and he does not have the right to keep me from talking about something that happened so much in my past.
These people I know that are actively using gave me closure, and I took it.
If we are miserable, we must recognize the need for something to change in our own lives. We can't change others. All we can do for others who obviously need to change is make a suggestion. Then we "let go, and let God." If they are abusing us, using, and making us miserable, we need to recognize that we need to change something about our lives, and most likely ourselves. Often it is perception, which my higher power helps me with. I can get a different, more positive perspective if I only ask my higher power.
I am truly much better off today. I have food, shelter, and clothing. I don't necessarily feel loved by very many people, but I know God/dess and the Spirit love me. I feel good because I strive to be as loving as I can. That's a big change from the days when I didn't really trust anyone and felt oh so misunderstood. The fellowship has given me the understanding on the many levels I needed it on. Thank God/dess for helping me find recovery.....
Basic Text, Chapter 5 p. 55
If we are addicted or alcoholic and we get clean and sober, we will find that we are changing -- usually for the better. We need to make changes. We often have many defects of character that go along with the addictions.
Step seven is the one where we humbly ask God (or whomever/whatever our Higher Power is) to remove our shortcomings. In our inventory we were able to identify those defects. "The Seventh Step is an action step, and it is time to ask God for help and relief. We have to understand that our way of thinking is not the only way; other people can give us direction," Basic Text, chapter four, p 35. We really can feel better....
I know I asked God/dess for help with my irritability, my low tolerance to frustration, low self esteem, and my tendency toward petty theft. And I got help with those things. I find I am now a very patient person -- both with myself and others. Of course, a lot of my irritability came from my clinical depression, which is now being treated. And since anti-depressants work for me, it is unlikely that 20+ years of depression was situational. God/dess helped me get to a place where I could find proper treatment. I know that faith alone was not enough to treat the chemical imbalances in my brain.... I tried that for several years -- going on faith alone -- and it did not work.
In my relationships with others, one of the most profound changes is my ability to set up boundaries. Boundaries are very important. There are certain things that I will not tolerate. I won't tolerate abuse, racism, and sexual harassment. I also will not move on certain issues, especially when I am speaking facts. Some people don't appreciate others' boundaries, and I have to let those people go. I find that being honest about my boundaries, and willing to enforce them deters people that would take advantage of me. Don't get me wrong -- I am a nice person most of the time, but I can be a real b*tch if my rights are trampled upon. I am also learning about detachment, and I often have to detach from users of all kinds.....
I don't really have a relationship now with any active addicts and alcoholics. I laid down the boundary that I will not tolerate their glaringly obvious defects like lying, manipulation, and abusiveness. I don't put up with those things. To be honest, I lost most of my friendships and relationships while I was still using and mentally ill. But I've made it clear that the friendships are not going to be reinstated without them meeting me halfway. I don't want them killing themselves with drugs.
I recently had to let a friend go because he believes that rape is some form of sex and does not want me to talk about the subject. I was very honest with him, and he does not have the right to keep me from talking about something that happened so much in my past.
These people I know that are actively using gave me closure, and I took it.
If we are miserable, we must recognize the need for something to change in our own lives. We can't change others. All we can do for others who obviously need to change is make a suggestion. Then we "let go, and let God." If they are abusing us, using, and making us miserable, we need to recognize that we need to change something about our lives, and most likely ourselves. Often it is perception, which my higher power helps me with. I can get a different, more positive perspective if I only ask my higher power.
I am truly much better off today. I have food, shelter, and clothing. I don't necessarily feel loved by very many people, but I know God/dess and the Spirit love me. I feel good because I strive to be as loving as I can. That's a big change from the days when I didn't really trust anyone and felt oh so misunderstood. The fellowship has given me the understanding on the many levels I needed it on. Thank God/dess for helping me find recovery.....
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Individuality
As addicts and alcoholics, there is a condition that we all want to avoid -- that of "terminal uniqueness." This means that we want to avoid viewing ourselves as being beyond others understanding and our stories as too different from others. Seeking common ground with other recovering addicts is very important, especially if we want to find friends. It's a terminal condition, because if we don't see the similarities between ours and others' experiences, we will most likely go back out and use or drink again. That can kill us.
The fact remains that we are all still unique individuals. I was taught as a child that we are all "special." In today's entry in Each Day A New Beginning it says, "We need to know that we matter in this life. We need evidence that others are aware of our prescense." It's no fun to be ignored. We all have basic emotional needs: to be listened to when we talk, to be acknowledged, to be respected, and basically to be loved.
Everyone has something to teach us. We should give others what we need for ourselves. We should listen to others when they have something to say (not spend inordinate amounts of time dwelling on what we are going to say next.) We should respect others. We should acknowledge each other's prescense.
Granted, some people aren't worth listening to, like perverts who habitually lie. We shouldn't have to listen to a man go on and on about how he wants to sleep with us. We shouldn't have to listen to racist or sexist diatribes that people. Such things are obscene. We don't have to tolerate obscenities. But if we do respect such people and take the time to listen to them, we should not be faulted for that.
"To have one's individuality completely ignored is like being pushed quite out of life. Like being blown out as one blows out a light," Evelyn Scott.
I know what it feels like to have my individuality ignored. My dad and his wife were real good at ignoring and ignorance. She had me confused with some kind of bubbleheaded, horny teenage girl, in spite of evidence to the contrary. She also persisted with the theory that I was a compulsive liar. (Don't get me wrong, like all kids, I did lie sometimes.) In reality, I was more of a nerd who carried a notebook everywhere and wrote about all kinds of stuff. I was a bit of a computer geek too. Neither one of them ever acknowledged my involvement in legitimate extracurricular activities. And like Ms. Scott says, I felt like a blown out candle a lot of the time.
Those darn stereotypes. They get in the way of real, honest relationships every time. We want to try to avoid prejudice. We all have stereotypes in our heads. I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets prejudiced thoughts in my head. We don't have to give those preconceived notions any power over us. We are not powerless over our mouths (unless we have Tourette's syndrome.) They can't hurt other people if we don't give voice to them! Sometimes it's best just to ignore the bad thoughts in our heads; sometimes we have to argue with ourselves when we get persistant bad thoughts.
"It takes careful listening and close observation to sense the message another soul may be sending to our own." We also have to care. This is the essence of open mindedness, and open mindedness is one of the indispensable spiritual principles of recovery.
The fact remains that we are all still unique individuals. I was taught as a child that we are all "special." In today's entry in Each Day A New Beginning it says, "We need to know that we matter in this life. We need evidence that others are aware of our prescense." It's no fun to be ignored. We all have basic emotional needs: to be listened to when we talk, to be acknowledged, to be respected, and basically to be loved.
Everyone has something to teach us. We should give others what we need for ourselves. We should listen to others when they have something to say (not spend inordinate amounts of time dwelling on what we are going to say next.) We should respect others. We should acknowledge each other's prescense.
Granted, some people aren't worth listening to, like perverts who habitually lie. We shouldn't have to listen to a man go on and on about how he wants to sleep with us. We shouldn't have to listen to racist or sexist diatribes that people. Such things are obscene. We don't have to tolerate obscenities. But if we do respect such people and take the time to listen to them, we should not be faulted for that.
"To have one's individuality completely ignored is like being pushed quite out of life. Like being blown out as one blows out a light," Evelyn Scott.
I know what it feels like to have my individuality ignored. My dad and his wife were real good at ignoring and ignorance. She had me confused with some kind of bubbleheaded, horny teenage girl, in spite of evidence to the contrary. She also persisted with the theory that I was a compulsive liar. (Don't get me wrong, like all kids, I did lie sometimes.) In reality, I was more of a nerd who carried a notebook everywhere and wrote about all kinds of stuff. I was a bit of a computer geek too. Neither one of them ever acknowledged my involvement in legitimate extracurricular activities. And like Ms. Scott says, I felt like a blown out candle a lot of the time.
Those darn stereotypes. They get in the way of real, honest relationships every time. We want to try to avoid prejudice. We all have stereotypes in our heads. I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets prejudiced thoughts in my head. We don't have to give those preconceived notions any power over us. We are not powerless over our mouths (unless we have Tourette's syndrome.) They can't hurt other people if we don't give voice to them! Sometimes it's best just to ignore the bad thoughts in our heads; sometimes we have to argue with ourselves when we get persistant bad thoughts.
"It takes careful listening and close observation to sense the message another soul may be sending to our own." We also have to care. This is the essence of open mindedness, and open mindedness is one of the indispensable spiritual principles of recovery.
Monday, August 4, 2008
We Do Recover
Recovery is wonderful. I get to say "Yes, I've been there and I know, now, it's no good." I get to feel good about myself. I have confidence in myself. I trust myself. I know I don't want to go back to scraping for survival like I was when I was using. I have the fellowship and a few new friends that don't use. They, too, have been there. Thus, I get support in my recovery. They know it doesn't work. I also get a wonderful new relationship with God and Goddess and the Spirit. Spirit is always there when I need it; Spirit is everywhere. I knew that when I was two, and I still believe it. I've never found any evidence to the contrary. Sometimes Spirit talks through others or animals or the clouds or whatever. God, Goddess and Spirit don't mind if I cling to them. It's a wonderful relationship -- one of give and take. Boy, is giving back ever important. It's important to me that I give back to Spirit. There is this marvelous sense of "rightness" to recovery and even doing the twelfth step. I get to be right about how important it is to find recovery.
I've found a sense of peace and emotional stability that I never had before.
It's hard to communicate the peace of mind I have to others, especially newcomers. It's hard to communicate to them that they need a higher power to quit. It's hard to communicate to newcomers that they will find that higher power if they do the steps.... It's hard to communicate that that higher power is one that is worth having a relationship. It's so common to blame God for everything that goes wrong. This is a common attitude towards God. It's common not to accept that God may not be perfect and therefore does not create perfect human beings, animals, and things. To accept that goes against the establishment. Our tendency to be different socially can work in our favor.... We aren't going to Hell if we challenge the establishment. That, in itself, may be hard for newcomers to face.
But facing ourselves and being different, spiritually, is less difficult then scraping by and merely surviving, fending off predatory types when we may be weaker then them. Its a dangerous world when one is actively using. People who use often get ripped off, raped, and shot. The media feeds our delusions that that is what life is really like. And, often, God and Goddess and Spirit take the blame for that reality.
Recovery is a different reality then that. A lot of people in the program really do care. There is real love in the program. That love is the lifeblood of recovery, imho.
We do get better. We do find ourselves. We do find out that we aren't that bad -- that we don't fit into the world of dealers, smugglers, and violence. If we put in as much effort as we did to appearing too "tough" to mess with, we will recover.
Recovery, though is a lifelong journey. It is not a destination. Perhaps we are never fully recovered until we pass on. We have to have a relationship with ourselves as well as a higher power to actually live. Life is so good, when those important relationships are good. For, even when it seems like nobody else loves us, the love of our higher power and of ourselves for ourselves will sustain us. I know it does, since I'm not the type who makes friends easily. I still feel good about myself and feel safe most of the time. I'm so happy I don't have to go back to survival mode, feeling crappy when I come down, or the manipulations and being used by users.
We do recover, if we are honest, open minded and willing to face ourselves and our higher power. I have six years of recovery and it just keeps getting better.
I've found a sense of peace and emotional stability that I never had before.
It's hard to communicate the peace of mind I have to others, especially newcomers. It's hard to communicate to them that they need a higher power to quit. It's hard to communicate to newcomers that they will find that higher power if they do the steps.... It's hard to communicate that that higher power is one that is worth having a relationship. It's so common to blame God for everything that goes wrong. This is a common attitude towards God. It's common not to accept that God may not be perfect and therefore does not create perfect human beings, animals, and things. To accept that goes against the establishment. Our tendency to be different socially can work in our favor.... We aren't going to Hell if we challenge the establishment. That, in itself, may be hard for newcomers to face.
But facing ourselves and being different, spiritually, is less difficult then scraping by and merely surviving, fending off predatory types when we may be weaker then them. Its a dangerous world when one is actively using. People who use often get ripped off, raped, and shot. The media feeds our delusions that that is what life is really like. And, often, God and Goddess and Spirit take the blame for that reality.
Recovery is a different reality then that. A lot of people in the program really do care. There is real love in the program. That love is the lifeblood of recovery, imho.
We do get better. We do find ourselves. We do find out that we aren't that bad -- that we don't fit into the world of dealers, smugglers, and violence. If we put in as much effort as we did to appearing too "tough" to mess with, we will recover.
Recovery, though is a lifelong journey. It is not a destination. Perhaps we are never fully recovered until we pass on. We have to have a relationship with ourselves as well as a higher power to actually live. Life is so good, when those important relationships are good. For, even when it seems like nobody else loves us, the love of our higher power and of ourselves for ourselves will sustain us. I know it does, since I'm not the type who makes friends easily. I still feel good about myself and feel safe most of the time. I'm so happy I don't have to go back to survival mode, feeling crappy when I come down, or the manipulations and being used by users.
We do recover, if we are honest, open minded and willing to face ourselves and our higher power. I have six years of recovery and it just keeps getting better.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Trusting Others
This was the subject of today's entry in Just For Today, and an interesting topic it is.....
First off, I don't think it's really possible to really trust others until we learn to trust ourselves. To trust ourselves we need to be clean and sober for the most part -- especially if we are addicts. People tend to see in others what they see in themselves -- comparing our insides to other's outsides is a common way of doing things. If we ourselves are unreliable, we will tend to see others as unreliable. Addicts who are still using are untrustworthy, one and all.
"Most of us come from backgrounds where betrayal and insensitivity among friends were common occurences." That's just the way it is when we hang around using addicts. All of my immediate family is either alcoholic or addicted, and I learned that I couldn't trust them. Especially when I was 10 years old and my adopted mother told me I was going to "visit" my biological dad. Well the visit was actually an adoption. It was planned. After I left home I began hanging around with actively using addicts. I got used and betrayed a lot. I was quite the cynic for a long time, and my clinical depression didn't help me be less cynical.
Well, then, when I started using, I became very unreliable. I stopped calling friends. I made several false accusations out of paranoia. I "disappeared" off the face of the Earth as far as most who knew me were concerned. Don't get me wrong, that wasn't all bad. I did need to get out of those relationships, they were codependent and bad for me. My daughter, who was only a baby, couldn't rely on me either.
I became homeless and did not pay bills, etc. I hitchhiked all over the U.S. -- going from coast to coast three times in three years of being homeless. I'd have to say that 98% of the rides I got were safe, good rides. People often gave me enough money to eat. Sometimes I got good, safe shelter from them. The whole experience was a serious challenge to my cynicism. I know now that there are a lot of "cool people" out there. There is a lot of good in the world. There ARE people that can be trusted.
"...we remind ourselves that the rules of active addiction don't apply in recovery." It's usually safe to trust people that aren't using drugs or addicted to alcohol.
Many old timers say that women should stick with women in the program and men should stick with men. I've found that to be helpful. I did have some male friends in NA. One decided he didn't want to be friends with me because I talk about rape and sexual abuse. Another male friend in the program called a friend of mine a "f***ing b***h" for basically no reason and tried to kick her out of his car. I do trust other women in the program, just not most of the men -- especially addicts. I have a really hard time trusting men who are addicts. "Our lives are at stake, and the only way we can stay clean is to trust these well-intentioned folks who, admittedly, aren't perfect."
I've heard it asked "What happens when you sober up a horse thief?" Well, you get a sober horse thief. There are still people I don't trust and have lost my trust. I don't really trust the police, but other authority figures I do trust.
Yes, trusting others is important. We need some people we can be honest with. We also need to develop a thicker skin, most of us, because people do talk about others (which is okay imho, as long as it's true). It takes a lot of trust to show our real selves, warts and all, but we can't continue to put on a false face. We must trust others to heal, and accept that sometimes, even though trusting is a mistake at times, its worth it to keep trying. We will need our friends, and they us at some point.
First off, I don't think it's really possible to really trust others until we learn to trust ourselves. To trust ourselves we need to be clean and sober for the most part -- especially if we are addicts. People tend to see in others what they see in themselves -- comparing our insides to other's outsides is a common way of doing things. If we ourselves are unreliable, we will tend to see others as unreliable. Addicts who are still using are untrustworthy, one and all.
"Most of us come from backgrounds where betrayal and insensitivity among friends were common occurences." That's just the way it is when we hang around using addicts. All of my immediate family is either alcoholic or addicted, and I learned that I couldn't trust them. Especially when I was 10 years old and my adopted mother told me I was going to "visit" my biological dad. Well the visit was actually an adoption. It was planned. After I left home I began hanging around with actively using addicts. I got used and betrayed a lot. I was quite the cynic for a long time, and my clinical depression didn't help me be less cynical.
Well, then, when I started using, I became very unreliable. I stopped calling friends. I made several false accusations out of paranoia. I "disappeared" off the face of the Earth as far as most who knew me were concerned. Don't get me wrong, that wasn't all bad. I did need to get out of those relationships, they were codependent and bad for me. My daughter, who was only a baby, couldn't rely on me either.
I became homeless and did not pay bills, etc. I hitchhiked all over the U.S. -- going from coast to coast three times in three years of being homeless. I'd have to say that 98% of the rides I got were safe, good rides. People often gave me enough money to eat. Sometimes I got good, safe shelter from them. The whole experience was a serious challenge to my cynicism. I know now that there are a lot of "cool people" out there. There is a lot of good in the world. There ARE people that can be trusted.
"...we remind ourselves that the rules of active addiction don't apply in recovery." It's usually safe to trust people that aren't using drugs or addicted to alcohol.
Many old timers say that women should stick with women in the program and men should stick with men. I've found that to be helpful. I did have some male friends in NA. One decided he didn't want to be friends with me because I talk about rape and sexual abuse. Another male friend in the program called a friend of mine a "f***ing b***h" for basically no reason and tried to kick her out of his car. I do trust other women in the program, just not most of the men -- especially addicts. I have a really hard time trusting men who are addicts. "Our lives are at stake, and the only way we can stay clean is to trust these well-intentioned folks who, admittedly, aren't perfect."
I've heard it asked "What happens when you sober up a horse thief?" Well, you get a sober horse thief. There are still people I don't trust and have lost my trust. I don't really trust the police, but other authority figures I do trust.
Yes, trusting others is important. We need some people we can be honest with. We also need to develop a thicker skin, most of us, because people do talk about others (which is okay imho, as long as it's true). It takes a lot of trust to show our real selves, warts and all, but we can't continue to put on a false face. We must trust others to heal, and accept that sometimes, even though trusting is a mistake at times, its worth it to keep trying. We will need our friends, and they us at some point.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
More Then We Can Handle.....
"We are never, absolutely never given more then we can handle. In fact we are given exactly what we need at any given time."
This seems so true at first.... It sounds really great on paper, and is true for most crises. Another way it's said is "God never gives us any more then we can handle." Well, God never does. Although I hate to bring up the devil, the devil does give us more then we can handle at times.
Rape is too much to handle (especially for children), torture is too much to handle. We live in a world where genocide happens from time to time, and that's too much to handle. The haulocaust was too much to handle for most. Nobody needs that kind of abuse. We go from living to merely surviving at times when death, destruction and horrors happen to us. Surviving means we meet our animal needs -- eating, breathing, and keeping ourselves warm or clothed. These are things the devil orchestrates. God can give us the tools we need to survive such things if we are open to receiving them -- if we haven't entirely lost faith during such things. But it is really hard to feel as if we are living in survival mode.
Anyway the point of this entry was, I think, "Don't sweat the small stuff...." Most of what we go through is small stuff. Believing that we are not given more then we can handle (with the exceptions mentioned above) can help us survive copious amounts of pain caused by the loss of loved ones. It is also important not to "bite off more then we can chew."
Addiction qualifies as biting off more then we can chew. Addiction/alcoholism, too, is too much to handle for most people. It really is slavery -- which is another thing that is too much to handle. God doesn't make us into addicts or alcoholics.
Sobriety is not too much to handle. Reality, most of the time, simply isn't that bad. The media tends to amplify the bad stuff that happens simply by refusing to balance it out with all the good stuff that happens in the world.
When I was homeless (and addicted) I learned that there are a lot of kind people out there in the world. I travelled around (hitchhiking) and I'd say, safely, 98% of the rides I got from people were really nice. I was often offered shelter that turned out to be safe. This cured me of cyncism; it really did. I used to be such a cynic at heart. People I didn't know fed me, drove me, and sheltered me. I figured hitchhiking was safer then squatting somewhere for a long period of time and being discovered by some predatory type. I also feel that it was more profitable. The cops tend not to like panhandlers....
I did spend some time standing by the side of the off ramp in San Jose with a sign asking travellers for "donations" to the homeless. I made it obvious I was the homeless individual. I could usually only handle standing there for about an hour or two at a time -- but I'd make, on average, $20 an hour.
People aren't all bad, and they aren't all good. It isn't "all good" all the time. We do get and create garbage from time to time. Sometimes the best way to handle it is to throw it out. Throwing stuff out can take years and years at times....
It's okay to lose faith at times, as long as we can find it in times of crisis. Faith can save our lives. "Whatever my problem today, I will let God have it. A solution is in the making. I see it just as quickly as I can let go of the problem." Each Day A New Beginning. It takes faith to give our problems to our Creator, and it takes faith, great faith and courage at times, to put the solution into practice.
Just remember, most things are not too much to handle, and we can survive most anything. "Love heals all."
Today's entry, Each Day A New Beginning
This seems so true at first.... It sounds really great on paper, and is true for most crises. Another way it's said is "God never gives us any more then we can handle." Well, God never does. Although I hate to bring up the devil, the devil does give us more then we can handle at times.
Rape is too much to handle (especially for children), torture is too much to handle. We live in a world where genocide happens from time to time, and that's too much to handle. The haulocaust was too much to handle for most. Nobody needs that kind of abuse. We go from living to merely surviving at times when death, destruction and horrors happen to us. Surviving means we meet our animal needs -- eating, breathing, and keeping ourselves warm or clothed. These are things the devil orchestrates. God can give us the tools we need to survive such things if we are open to receiving them -- if we haven't entirely lost faith during such things. But it is really hard to feel as if we are living in survival mode.
Anyway the point of this entry was, I think, "Don't sweat the small stuff...." Most of what we go through is small stuff. Believing that we are not given more then we can handle (with the exceptions mentioned above) can help us survive copious amounts of pain caused by the loss of loved ones. It is also important not to "bite off more then we can chew."
Addiction qualifies as biting off more then we can chew. Addiction/alcoholism, too, is too much to handle for most people. It really is slavery -- which is another thing that is too much to handle. God doesn't make us into addicts or alcoholics.
Sobriety is not too much to handle. Reality, most of the time, simply isn't that bad. The media tends to amplify the bad stuff that happens simply by refusing to balance it out with all the good stuff that happens in the world.
When I was homeless (and addicted) I learned that there are a lot of kind people out there in the world. I travelled around (hitchhiking) and I'd say, safely, 98% of the rides I got from people were really nice. I was often offered shelter that turned out to be safe. This cured me of cyncism; it really did. I used to be such a cynic at heart. People I didn't know fed me, drove me, and sheltered me. I figured hitchhiking was safer then squatting somewhere for a long period of time and being discovered by some predatory type. I also feel that it was more profitable. The cops tend not to like panhandlers....
I did spend some time standing by the side of the off ramp in San Jose with a sign asking travellers for "donations" to the homeless. I made it obvious I was the homeless individual. I could usually only handle standing there for about an hour or two at a time -- but I'd make, on average, $20 an hour.
People aren't all bad, and they aren't all good. It isn't "all good" all the time. We do get and create garbage from time to time. Sometimes the best way to handle it is to throw it out. Throwing stuff out can take years and years at times....
It's okay to lose faith at times, as long as we can find it in times of crisis. Faith can save our lives. "Whatever my problem today, I will let God have it. A solution is in the making. I see it just as quickly as I can let go of the problem." Each Day A New Beginning. It takes faith to give our problems to our Creator, and it takes faith, great faith and courage at times, to put the solution into practice.
Just remember, most things are not too much to handle, and we can survive most anything. "Love heals all."
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