Empathy

Empathy and compassion are the same thing to me. Compassion means to feel passionately another person's feelings, or as closely as possible. They mean that a person is willing to walk a mile in another person's shoes. It means feeling another person's pain or, at least, respecting it.

Empathy is a great first resort when dealing with people. It's a good idea to listen and try to understand where people are really coming from. I've spent my life trying to be empathetic to others.... Love was quite the rare commodity in my family, and I didn't feel that was right. I took the golden rule to heart, and I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. I love it when people try to understand where I'm coming from.

Most people really appreciate it when others try to understand them. There are some, though, that will take advantage of other's concern. I didn't used to believe in evil, really, and was a big sucker for sob stories. I ended up, quite often, getting taken advantage of -- usually by men. I've since learned that empathy does not mean being a doormat. Nowadays, I have a kind of detached compassion for others. I don't put my whole heart and soul into it. I don't believe it's too healthy to be blown whichever way the wind goes. Empathy is wasted on evil people. They don't feel love. There's no point in giving something to someone who will only take more by force. You see, I used to feel for the "monsters." I'd see lots of pain there. They couldn't "help" the way they were. But there is such a thing as being too compassionate.... We have to draw the line somewhere, and I draw it with people who prove themselves to be abusive and/or predatory.

When I started using, I took a vacation from compassion. I gave up everything and everyone I knew. I stopped treating others with love. It wasn't entirely a bad decision.... I really wanted to start over -- but that's very hard when one is on drugs. I only got sexually assaulted once while I was using. There were other addicts I really needed some distance and perspective on.

I really appreciate the love and compassion/empathy I've gotten from others in the program. Some people really seem to care. People relate their own experiences to mine quite often. It is not wasted on me. Therefore, it probably isn't wasted on others too. I spent a lot of time in the past putting up with not so compassionate treatment from others. Most of the people I hung out with were emotionally unavailable and lousy listeners. Drug use prevents people from being emotionally available. I prefer to hang out with people who care, now. I too, deserve to be treated like I matter -- like my feelings are important.

We have to have compassion for ourselves, too. We need to see both sides of an issue. You are a people too, and deserve the same good treatment you give others. Compassion for the self means not puttin yourself down and/or beating yourself up. It means not calling yourself stupid just because you did something stupid or trusted someone. It's compassionate toward the self and others to try to be a good person, and not call yourself a bad person.

Admitting we are powerless over an addiction is very compassionate. It means we accept that we have limitations, that we are fallible and human. When we accept this about ourselves, it is easier to accept this about others. Compassion and empathy does not mean putting others on a pedestal. It makes it much easier to forgive ourselves and others.

I have gone back to being empathetic towards others as a general rule. I really do care about others. Nowadays, though, I am more cautious. I don't spend a lot of time on others who want to "get with me" without knowing me very well. I also don't put up with people who are actively using. Empathy is the lifeblood of true friendship, and true friendship is a two way street.

I will not give up on love -- I refuse! To be unloving would make me no better then a predator!