Healthy Relationships

Recovery is also about developing healthy relationships in our lives. Many of us have dysfunctional families and relationships in our lives.

"How fortunate that we are now in a positon to make healthy decisions about our relationships!" today's entry, Each Day A New Beginning, "No longer the victim, we have the personal power to choose how we want to spend our time and with whom."

Conventional wisdom says that we choose our friends but we don't choose our family. Though there is a lot to be said for tolerance and patience in relationships with family members, we don't have to tolerate drug or alcohol abuse in our relationships with family members. It is perfectly alright to love such people from a distance, especially since they are probably a danger to our own sobriety. We CAN choose who in our family we wish to develop relationships with, including parents. It is also impossible for a woman to develop a healthy relationship with "perverts" or child molesters. It is very hard to have relationships with family members who support (and believe) those people as well. We have the right to lay down boundaries -- unfortunately some will not tolerate our right to do so and will either ignore them or stop talking to us. We have to be able to let go of those people, even if they are family. It is alright to not have relationships with family members who do not support us.

My family is like that. Most of them are actively using addicts and alcoholics. They don't want me to have boundaries with them. I get little respect from most of my family. My father, in particular, who left pornography in the kids' bathroom when we were growing up, and put his hand on my rear end the one and only time we hugged, is impossible to get along with. He does not communicate with people much at all -- and shows no love to anyone that I can think of. Hell, he doesn't even clean up after himself. My family supports him wholeheartedly because he finished college and "don't you know how hard that is...." I committed a crime against him -- in part because he looks like a very respectable upper middle class person and gets away with everything he does, and my whole family, and even some old friends, took his side in disowning me. I know for a fact that one can life without toxic family members. Since I am not supposed to, by law, contact any of those people, I no longer feel "obligated" to keep relationships going with people who never call, show no support, never write, and have extreme conditions on their love. I hope that others who read this involved in toxic relationships realize they don't have to be in them. It is a lot like getting a tumor cut out of our bodies -- sure it hurts at first, but then it feels so much better.

I've been suckered into many "mini-relationships" with "perverts" and sexually abusive types of men in the now-distant past. I had what could best be called learned helplessness in those kind of relationships. I also had fear of being alone. I really did want to find a nice guy to raise a family with and did not want to be a single parent. I did have two beautiful children with men like that, and found the idea that they might abuse my daughters too was absolutely intolerable to me. So I gave my daughters up for adoption. Some values I refuse to compromise, and it may have saved my children's life and innocence.... I don't believe in any form of child abuse. Sexually abusive men don't listen in the bedroom, and don't obey women. They don't seem to have any qualms about hitting kids either. I knew I wouldn't be able to stop them from hitting or doing worse to my children. So I figured why bother.

I've been single now for over ten years. I did have one tryst with someone who was aggressively persuing me in treatment -- he wouldn't take "I'm not interested" as an answer, even though I told him that a lot. I put up with him for a little while, because my own attraction to him was blinding me to ill treatment. I really should have turned him in. I still battle with that learned helplessness. I also battle with what society requires as proof for sexual misconduct. One man in treatment exposed himself to me. They did not charge him with indecent exposure like they should have -- he was charged with disorderly conduct. What exactly does it take for a woman to find justice, anyway? I really want to know....

I'm fed up with bad relationships. I guess that's good, because I don't have any relationships with toxic people any more. I refuse to put up with abuse. It simply isn't worth the pain. I learned about broken bones when I broke my ankle in February 2007 going down my stairs. I don't want any person breaking my bones, or murdering me. I lost my mother at a young age, and I don't want to do that to my kids....

I also take responsibility for my own feelings. This is essential for anyone in a healthy type of relationship. We don't have to put up with people blaming us for their feelings -- even if they are family. Oh sure, we can hurt others, and others can hurt us (or make us laugh), but other then that, we must own our feelings. We should develop relationships with people who are willing to take responsibility for themselves. It's something I've learned to do since I've been in treatment. It was something I was working on before I started using, and am continuing to work on now. I use I statements in conflicts wherever possible -- not that I have many conflicts any more. I cannot blame my actions on anyone else, either. I didn't make anyone else do anything either. I am a people too, and deserve the same respect, trust and love that I give others. I know that confidence, honesty and some degree of discernment can keep the predatory types at bay. They sometimes punish us for honesty, but often they run from it like the cowards they truly are.

Remember -- we choose who we hang out with. We can change our minds at any time. We don't have to live in chains. We often have the key, and it is often found in some kind of recovery program, whether it be Alanon, Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, etc....