Individuality

As addicts and alcoholics, there is a condition that we all want to avoid -- that of "terminal uniqueness." This means that we want to avoid viewing ourselves as being beyond others understanding and our stories as too different from others. Seeking common ground with other recovering addicts is very important, especially if we want to find friends. It's a terminal condition, because if we don't see the similarities between ours and others' experiences, we will most likely go back out and use or drink again. That can kill us.

The fact remains that we are all still unique individuals. I was taught as a child that we are all "special." In today's entry in Each Day A New Beginning it says, "We need to know that we matter in this life. We need evidence that others are aware of our prescense." It's no fun to be ignored. We all have basic emotional needs: to be listened to when we talk, to be acknowledged, to be respected, and basically to be loved.

Everyone has something to teach us. We should give others what we need for ourselves. We should listen to others when they have something to say (not spend inordinate amounts of time dwelling on what we are going to say next.) We should respect others. We should acknowledge each other's prescense.

Granted, some people aren't worth listening to, like perverts who habitually lie. We shouldn't have to listen to a man go on and on about how he wants to sleep with us. We shouldn't have to listen to racist or sexist diatribes that people. Such things are obscene. We don't have to tolerate obscenities. But if we do respect such people and take the time to listen to them, we should not be faulted for that.

"To have one's individuality completely ignored is like being pushed quite out of life. Like being blown out as one blows out a light," Evelyn Scott.

I know what it feels like to have my individuality ignored. My dad and his wife were real good at ignoring and ignorance. She had me confused with some kind of bubbleheaded, horny teenage girl, in spite of evidence to the contrary. She also persisted with the theory that I was a compulsive liar. (Don't get me wrong, like all kids, I did lie sometimes.) In reality, I was more of a nerd who carried a notebook everywhere and wrote about all kinds of stuff. I was a bit of a computer geek too. Neither one of them ever acknowledged my involvement in legitimate extracurricular activities. And like Ms. Scott says, I felt like a blown out candle a lot of the time.

Those darn stereotypes. They get in the way of real, honest relationships every time. We want to try to avoid prejudice. We all have stereotypes in our heads. I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets prejudiced thoughts in my head. We don't have to give those preconceived notions any power over us. We are not powerless over our mouths (unless we have Tourette's syndrome.) They can't hurt other people if we don't give voice to them! Sometimes it's best just to ignore the bad thoughts in our heads; sometimes we have to argue with ourselves when we get persistant bad thoughts.

"It takes careful listening and close observation to sense the message another soul may be sending to our own." We also have to care. This is the essence of open mindedness, and open mindedness is one of the indispensable spiritual principles of recovery.