Over Time, Not Overnight

A lot of newcomers wonder when they are going to start feeling better after they quit using. They want to know why things aren't getting better yet. This takes time.

I know when I was forced to quit, and even the couple of times I quit voluntarily, there was a lot of anger and hatred that came up. I found that I hated everyone. Most people, even other actively using addicts, did not want to put up with my drug use. They did not want me around. Some of these feelings were rational. It's hard not to be angry at being rejected at every turn by mostly everyone. It's hard not to be angry at myself for allowing my anxiety and paranoia to keep me from trying to establish friendships. I'd have to say that 98% of "friendships" developed while actively addicted are NOT real friendships. I know that sometimes friendship is real when a person is using, because I was a real friend to my old best friend while she was using. But she often didn't want to hear anything I had to say, and I let her do most of the talking. I suppose she wasn't that good a friend to me.... But, I was there also because of her kids -- whom I loved a lot. I helped take care of them, probably due to giving up my first daughter for adoption and missing her. She never said thank you for the times I watched her kids or offered to pay me in any way.

That, in itself fueled the fires of my addiction. I had been used by my best friend and that was a good excuse to use drugs. I knew that my using pot would either bring out concern in her or chase her away. Either alternative was preferable to being used by her. I hated her for awhile after I quit. I was sooooooo angry. And of course, the situation did not work itself out. She still uses prescription pain killers for recreation..... She still doesn't really care about others too much. But I am clean, so that is a good thing. And I live far away from her, so I don't feel obligated to watch her kids when she won't take care of them.

"We expect our physical problems to correct themselves, our thinking to become rational, and a fully developed spiritual life to manifest itself overnight." today's Just For Today entry.

I was so depressed after I quit too. The marijuana did help me suppress suicidal urges and laugh off the effects of my psychosis for a couple hours every time I'd smoke it. One of my other excuses for using was "Well, if I can't feel better by being spiritual, I might as well do something that makes me feel good." I've said this before -- I don't like pills and didn't want to take antidepressants. I didn't think humans knew enough about our brains, actually, to help me. Boy, I battled with suicidal urges the entire time I was getting clean. But, fortunately, my illnesses (depression, PTSD, and psychosis) are treatable and effectively treatable, at that.

The sky began to clear for me a couple of weeks after I started taking Zoloft, which is used to treat both PTSD and depression. I felt better, but not "high." I didn't really feel anxious too much either after it started working. Oh, I still had problems left over from the addiction. I had problems sleeping. I had problems with reading comprehension. I think reading was the thing I missed the most while addicted. Marijuana really interferes with reading comprehension. I could NOT make sense out of most things I read, so I gave it up during my addiction. It took about two and a half years for my reading comprehension to come back to normal. I know I read lots of books during those two and a half years, but I couldn't remember what I had read a couple of pages before....

It took a few months to a year for me to think rationally about the people I had known too. I had been a very forgiving person (perhaps too forgiving) before I started using. While I was addicted I didn't put up with any thing from anyone, real or imagined. It took me a little while to come back to forgiving others.... And it took me longer to forgive myself. It wasn't my fault I got addicted, but it is my responsibility to stay clean. I like myself a lot better now... That forgiveness takes time and is of a higher power.... It is essential to feeling better. We learn to forgive others and ourselves as a consequence of having a connection to our higher power.

It will get better if you stop using, if you are an addict thinking of quitting and reading this. It will take time.... But, as you spend that time, you will develop patience. Another essential quality to being an adult in such a scary and wonderful world.