Putting Recovery First

Recovery definitely needs to come first. It is the way out of all of the chaos, and destruction. Recovery is more to me then just not using drugs. Recovery is about recovering from abuse and mental illness too. If I am not functional, everything around me will be or will seem dysfunctional. They say, in recovery, that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've also been told that insanity is repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again....

I know that insanity is when it is really difficult to tell fantasy from reality. Drugs mess with my perceptions a lot. I don't perceive other's emotions correctly. I don't understand what people are trying to say. I can't read when I'm high.... I am dysfunctional and insane when I am using. The dark side of my imagination takes over, and the things I imagine become real to me.

I have to be functional to cope with reality. I have to be functional if I want relationships with others. I have to be able to pay attention. I can't pay attention if my imagination has taken over.... I have to be functional to pay bills, clean my house, work, etc.... That's why my recovery comes first.

I can't let anyone else interfere with my recovery either. It's a choice to use drugs up until that first hit or first drink -- then insanity takes over and I no longer have a choice in the matter. I can't be around people that are going to tempt or pressure me into using.

Recovery is more then just being clean. Recovery is about learning to be more honest with ourselves and others. Recovery is about taking responsibility for our actions, and being held accountable. Recovery is basically about becoming a better person, believing in a higher good (or higher love), and becoming more spiritual. No matter what myth tells us, the way to connect with our higher power in the closest way possible is not by using mind or mood altering substances. I know because my relationship with God, Goddess, Jesus and the Spirit is very good, and I can trust Them. We can't find it in our hearts to love and trust really anyone when we are high on drugs. We especially cannot find it to love or trust fully when high.....

We have to take steps. There is no elevator or escalator to Heaven. We cannot let anyone stop us from taking the necessary steps. "The enormity of the change required in our lives can be paralyzing. We know we can't take care of all that needs to be done, not all at once." today's Just For Today entry. The way to do that is to take steps. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. We've probably had plenty of practice letting things slide, if we are addicted. Thus, we must use that tendency to turn the tables on drugs. If we are using, our most obvious problem is the drugs. They must go if anything else is to change.... If that is the most important problem, then recovery must become the most important thing to us.

I am on a journey of love. It is loving to myself to not use.... I am journeying to find more love. It is not a boring journey -- not at all. Love means taking risks. Love means that I stick up for those that need someone to stick up for them. It can be dangerous to love. In my humble opinion, if I was not afraid to take my life into my hands by using, then I should not allow any fear to keep me from doing courageous things.... Oh, don't get me wrong, I often get bored, but at least there is no crisis going on. There was always a crisis when I was using, and I take comfort from the fact that my life is not in constant crisis anymore. I have good self esteem and confidence now, which is priceless. I can think clearly, and thank the Spirit, I can read and comprehend what I am reading.....

I cannot afford to use. Those that love and depend on me cannot afford for me to use. I need to remain emotionally available to those people. I know how awful it was to grow up with parents that were emotionally unavailable. They did not understand. They did not help me out -- aside from providing food, shelter and sometimes clothing. They thought that was good enough, and reminded me often that they were giving me "room and board". I know that kids need love to thrive. I want my kids to thrive.... Therefore what I need to do to recover comes first in my life. Right now, nobody is arguing with me. I hope for the future, that nobody will really make me choose between their selfish needs and my recovery -- because I will have to choose recovery.

Some say this is a "selfish" program. I'm not sure that selfish is quite the right word, but it IS about self improvement. We can provide better for others when we are healthy ourselves. It is not selfish, in my book, to take care of oneself. It's too darn important, and deserves priority.