Spiritual Maintenance

My relationship with God, Goddess, The Spirit and Jesus is the most important thing to me today.

Quite honestly, when I was locked up in jail for a year and a half, the only people that were there for me was my Higher Power. I learned to talk to them daily in jail. And, they speak to me too.

I learned about the Goddess when I was around 20. I could not deal with the idea that God was a man, and I could see the Goddess in my head. She was always there; I would always see Her there whenever I wanted too. I could feel Her too. You see I've been through a lot of sexual abuse -- all of it done by male humans (I really can't, in good conscience, call them men. None of them were mature or chivalrous or even protective.)

I've been seeking God, Goddess and Heaven for many many years now. My mother died when I was three, and I wanted confirmation of some kind that there was a place she was at and that her soul was still alive. I was told she was an angel by my adoptive mom, and I was seeking proof. I still miss her to this day. I grew up in one violent, drunken home, and another addicted, Godless home.... I had two different families growing up. It's very complicated for others to understand and I won't go into it here.

I was willing to do anything to find the Spirit. I was willing to try anything to bring me closer to the divine, and thus my mother. I met a man who seemed very spiritual to me. He sang a lot about love. He also smoked marijuana and treated it as something sacred. So, I figured I could also find what I was looking for if I smoked the "sacred herb." Imagine my surprise when I found myself addicted. I looked past his obvious problems -- he changed girlfriends like people changed clothes. He was a bit of a snob -- unwilling to work like the rest of us, using women for food, shelter and clothing. I told one of his girlfriends to kick him out, because I really didn't think it was cool for a white man to use this Native Hawaiian woman for money. It seemed a little racist to me. He was also critical, had a lot of walls up, and uncommunicative. I don't think he ever forgave me for that, because she took my advice. Shortly thereafter they broke up. I was not impressed with the fact that he started dating a rich white girl who had been "crawling all over him" in front of his girlfriend.... But, by then I was addicted.

I did not feel the "love" while addicted. I felt isolated, cut off and anxious if I am to be honest about it.

I spend a lot of time having conversations with God. I made peace with the masculine image of God and Jesus. I often see Jesus' face in my head and He is a very expressive entity. Sometimes He'll nod or shake His head no if I ask for advice. I often see Jesus laugh. I get messages too.

It was shortly after my second daughter was born that I lost an aunt to cancer. I was convinced at the time there was no God. I was also very much addicted at the time. I saw Jesus' face in the tree branches, in the clouds and in the wood grain of my cupboards (really!) Since then I've been talking to my Higher Power on a regular basis. I was even talking to them while I was addicted. For awhile, while psychotic, I was desperately afraid of "sinning" and became a born again Christian. I threw out all my divination and astrology stuff. But I decided eventually that I could not discount all the times I talked to the Goddess -- and was answered.

I have not stopped talking and listening to my Higher Power. I meditate every day. Unfortunately (?) I have issues with getting on my knees. My stepdad used to make me get on my knees to beat the crap out of me and it makes me feel shameful. My Higher Power does not seem to mind. I often see Jesus holding me in my head and I feel love. Maintaining my spirituality is not difficult for me. I try to act "good" and compassionate all the time. I express love even if I am not feeling it at the moment -- I call it the 'will to love." Eventually my feelings come around, and I "feel the love" again. When I was two -- I was told I announced in a church "God is everywhere," and I still believe it. Love IS everywhere. I just need to reach out to maintain my spirituality.