Trusting Others

This was the subject of today's entry in Just For Today, and an interesting topic it is.....

First off, I don't think it's really possible to really trust others until we learn to trust ourselves. To trust ourselves we need to be clean and sober for the most part -- especially if we are addicts. People tend to see in others what they see in themselves -- comparing our insides to other's outsides is a common way of doing things. If we ourselves are unreliable, we will tend to see others as unreliable. Addicts who are still using are untrustworthy, one and all.

"Most of us come from backgrounds where betrayal and insensitivity among friends were common occurences." That's just the way it is when we hang around using addicts. All of my immediate family is either alcoholic or addicted, and I learned that I couldn't trust them. Especially when I was 10 years old and my adopted mother told me I was going to "visit" my biological dad. Well the visit was actually an adoption. It was planned. After I left home I began hanging around with actively using addicts. I got used and betrayed a lot. I was quite the cynic for a long time, and my clinical depression didn't help me be less cynical.

Well, then, when I started using, I became very unreliable. I stopped calling friends. I made several false accusations out of paranoia. I "disappeared" off the face of the Earth as far as most who knew me were concerned. Don't get me wrong, that wasn't all bad. I did need to get out of those relationships, they were codependent and bad for me. My daughter, who was only a baby, couldn't rely on me either.

I became homeless and did not pay bills, etc. I hitchhiked all over the U.S. -- going from coast to coast three times in three years of being homeless. I'd have to say that 98% of the rides I got were safe, good rides. People often gave me enough money to eat. Sometimes I got good, safe shelter from them. The whole experience was a serious challenge to my cynicism. I know now that there are a lot of "cool people" out there. There is a lot of good in the world. There ARE people that can be trusted.

"...we remind ourselves that the rules of active addiction don't apply in recovery." It's usually safe to trust people that aren't using drugs or addicted to alcohol.

Many old timers say that women should stick with women in the program and men should stick with men. I've found that to be helpful. I did have some male friends in NA. One decided he didn't want to be friends with me because I talk about rape and sexual abuse. Another male friend in the program called a friend of mine a "f***ing b***h" for basically no reason and tried to kick her out of his car. I do trust other women in the program, just not most of the men -- especially addicts. I have a really hard time trusting men who are addicts. "Our lives are at stake, and the only way we can stay clean is to trust these well-intentioned folks who, admittedly, aren't perfect."

I've heard it asked "What happens when you sober up a horse thief?" Well, you get a sober horse thief. There are still people I don't trust and have lost my trust. I don't really trust the police, but other authority figures I do trust.

Yes, trusting others is important. We need some people we can be honest with. We also need to develop a thicker skin, most of us, because people do talk about others (which is okay imho, as long as it's true). It takes a lot of trust to show our real selves, warts and all, but we can't continue to put on a false face. We must trust others to heal, and accept that sometimes, even though trusting is a mistake at times, its worth it to keep trying. We will need our friends, and they us at some point.