God's Will

As a child I was very confused about what God or Goddess wanted from me or for me, for that matter. My abusive parents used to drop me off at Bible Study, where I was treated like some kind of demon spawn because I had questions about the things in Sunday School that didn't seem to make sense.... I used to argue with the woman who taught the class, and she would get very upset at my questions and my pointing out flaws in the logic. Things that stood out to me were the lectures on Hell (they gave me nightmares where I would see walls of fire.) I didn't believe in Hell for a very long time because they told me liars went there, and I knew my mother (who died when I was three) must've lied to her parents before. I knew she was not in Hell. I also didn't understand why God would turn a woman into a pillar of salt for simple disobedience. I certainly didn't believe in Lot's innocence when his daughters "seduced" him, because I had been raped as a child.... I remember not understanding all the fear that I was learning from the church. I remember not believing the story of Noah at all. I didn't understand all the double standards for women, especially because I was a tomboy. I did not believe I was "inherently evil" I also remember getting disgusted with the church when I saw how much fun it was throwing a dreidl, and not understanding their lack of love for other religions, especially Judaism...

There were just too many white people in that church too. I noticed it. I knew my adopted mom's people had to have another religion. She is Native American. I also wondered about this "Mother Nature" character. If there was no feminine divine person, why did so many people call Her Mother Nature?

I've come to believe that I can't take the Bible at face value. Even some things that Jesus said seemed to contradict things in the Old Testament. I had questions that went unanswered for a long time, because Jesus was kind to children, and my stepfather was not. I don't recall Jesus hitting one child. Solomon preached violence towards children, but Jesus didn't practice that at all. I used to believe from time to time that I deserved the ill treatment I got. I used to believe it actually did "hurt him more then me," from time to time. I used to argue with him. He'd tell me it was all my own fault.... For a long time I believed that men just couldn't help it. After all, I had really ticked him off so much that he couldn't help himself.... And I think I believed the story of Adam and Eve for about five minutes.... After all, snakes didn't talk to me!

I was soooooooo angry with God, because I just couldn't believe most of the Bible the way it's written! I was angry at God because He took my mother away from me, and the only kindness I got growing up was from teachers, and sometimes my adopted mom. I was a very angry child and of course, that was totally unacceptable to my family. I was a very sad child too. I didn't snap out of it until I was treated with antidepressants at the age of 33. I was a very frightened child.

For a very long time I believed that God and the Devil were the same person/entity. I've believed for a long time that it was God in charge of Hell (when I believed in Hell during my lifetime). I didn't see why God would put, basically, a criminal in charge of people's souls. I thought maybe that God was getting us back through diseases and such for the way we treat animals. I think people forget that animals are God's creatures too, and God helps them find food, too!

I've come to believe since then that God and Goddess' will for us is to love and be loved. If our deepest longings and images of the kind of people we would like to be are what God wants us to be, then God must want what's best for us. I've come to the conclusion that God is kind. God and Goddess want us to get closer to Them of our own free will because They love us. God and Goddess are just too. God and Goddess have to do justice to people who've been wronged. I think part of God's justice is having us live with being separated from loved ones (when they die, etc.) because when we live here, we often separate ourselves from Them. Also, They take people to live in a better place when those people just cannot take anymore. God and Goddess do want us to understand Them to the best of our ability. The more love we have and feel the closer we are to Love, which is what the Spirit is, to me!

I think God and Goddess led me down many widely diverse religious paths so that I could see the truth that Love is everywhere. Love is in all religions. Love is in most people. God's will, in my humble opinion, is the will to love. It is our will to show love to other people in spite of how we may feel at the moment. God and Goddess want us to love them, unconditionally.

I don't believe that God did turn Lot's wife into a pillar of salt. I firmly do not believe that all the double standards for men and women come from God. And I don't believe that only men can attain spiritual heights. But it seems that only spiritual men get respected for their minds and hearts. Men do not have to go through labor and I guarantee it's impossible to maintain serenity while in labor! Extreme pain, emotional, mental and/or physical, is a challenge to anyone's peace of mind. Most of the men who've attained greatness as spiritual people simply did not have to go through large amounts of pain. It's impossible to feel peaceful, and next to impossible to maintain good will towards others all the time when one is undergoing torment or agony! But after the pain passes (it will) we can reconnect, if we felt disconnected.... We must learn how to cope with pain without using drugs and such. They don't help even people who aren't addicted to them....

Unfortunately, addicts who started drugging and/or drinking at a young age will find this difficult. Those addicts have to cope with pain at the level at which children do, because as we deal with pain growing up, we develop a higher and higher threshhold. If we don't deal with it growing up or as adults, it will hurt more..... Drugs and alcohol kill pain. That is what they do..... Pain becomes kind of raw after we quit. Pain (most of the time) means that something is wrong. When people say pain is your friend, it means that it is warning that something is wrong.... Faith can help with pain, even physical pain. Pain doesn't come from God, but it is God's will that we learn to cope with it as it is a messenger. (And that's another thing, I simply don't believe the story that God hurts women giving birth as punishment!)

I hear the pain stops when we die. I don't know if that's true or not, but surely we must still miss people even on the other side. I guess learning to cope with it is part of the Plan. Love is like a rose, I've heard it said, and roses have thorns.

Positive Thinking

Positive thinking seems to be today's theme. I have five recovery meditation books and three of them talked about postitive thinking for today....

I used to be such a pessimist when I was younger. I was also depressed. The two things fed on each other. Nothing was going right, even when it was.... I didn't start using drugs regularly until I was 25. I think my attitude had a lot to do with my decision to just give in to drugs, as well as the depression.

Gratitude doesn't fix clinical depression. I tried that for awhile. It wasn't making me feel any better. I gave up on it. I gave up on life, I guess. I had had many bad experiences with men, and forgot that many of the men I had as teachers had been decent. I had a very negative opinion of men, in general.

Gratitude can fix a negative attitude. It can fix negative thinking. If we look around to find the good things, we will surely find some.... Part of having a positive attitude and/or outlook is seeing the good in any situation.

I've noticed that a lot of people are very negative about themselves too. A lot of people seem to think very badly of themselves. I notice it when people are beating themselves up, because I used to do it all the time. A good inventory includes our assets, too. We all have assets. We have to notice these things about ourself. I think having a positive way of looking at ourself is half the battle, really. Affirmations can help. Some people write down their affirmations and stick them on the mirror. I firmly believe that smiling at oneself in the mirror is a good tool for learning to think more positively about ourselves. It is unlikely that God/dess thinks as little of you as you do!

God/dess does not expect perfection from us....

To think positively requires something of a thick skin. If you take criticism to heart, or take things personally a lot (like I used to) you will have a hard time thinking positively about yourself or anything you are attempting to do. Better to wonder what the critics agenda is then to take it to heart. Thinking positively can help us develop a thicker skin, and a thick skin can help us be more positive.

The desire to escape, too, isn't all bad. It isn't good to take those little mental vacations that drugs and alcohol provide, but a literal escape from our problems can be very helpful. We can often gain perspective on our problems from a distance. It helps to be able to see the "forest for the trees." Go do something fun. Take a break from stressful situations. You might just come back with a new solution. Do something new; it can help you reconnect with the Spirit. I'm not suggesting running from problems, here, just taking a vacation, (although running from domestic violence is sometimes the sanest thing to do.)

Looking back (they say hindsight is 20/20) I didn't do too badly in spite of having such a bad attitude. I don't live with my parents. I healed from all the abuse mostly -- although there is still some healing left to do. Negativity won't kill you right away. But it does increase stress, which can make us fat, sick and unpopular. It can keep us from jobs. It usually leads to using....

A lot of people believe that you attract to you what you think about. I happen to believe there are some exceptions to that. I believe there IS some randomness to life. There is, however, some truth to that. If we believe we deserve good things, and that good things will and have happened to us, we will find out that that's the truth, mostly. I'm not suggesting that one take on the blind kind of Pollyanna attitude, but we do tend to attract to us what we believe we deserve. (I don't believe in "Peter Pan advice.) I believe the reason for that is that God/dess sees what our hearts desire is and gives that to us. It isn't as mysterious as it seems, and it wouldn't happen without a God or Goddess. Some people seem to believe that they have all this "power of attraction" and there is nothing answering their secret unspoken prayers. We simply aren't that powerful, thoughts are merely thoughts....

Oh, and one last thing, don't beat yourself up for having negative thoughts sometimes. Everyone has them. It only creates more negativity.

Please, don't feed the monsters....

Past Mistakes

I am a work in progress.... I don't spend a lot of time beating myself up for the mistakes I've made. Wisdom takes time.... Wisdom takes a lot of time. Decades, in fact....

My path has been one of seeking enlightenment. I've tried many things on that path. Some of them worked, some of them didn't. When I was a kid, I felt wise beyond my years. But I still ended up making a lot of the same mistakes my peers made. I felt like I had to grow up too fast. I felt like I had to leave the things of childhood behind too early. My parents weren't the type of dependents who would let a child run their lives, but they were dependent on me to validate their feelings for them a lot.

I used to think I could teach others about spirituality when I was about 10 years younger then I am now. But I really didn't understand what I was trying to teach. I never declared myself to be anyone's teacher on spirituality. I knew, on some level, I was way too young and naive. But I made many errors and took the long way around quite often. I did try to teach a friend of mine magic. You know, the kind of magic that witches typically do. Maybe it was a little Hollywood style.... I've since discovered that one doesn't need to do magical rituals to get Spiritual help. But I learned from that mistake. Sometimes rituals can focus and clear the mind, so we know exactly what we are asking for.

I've done things out of selfish want too. Most of those things were mistakes. I ended up regretting them. I ended up with negative feelings about those situations, and also smidgens of guilt.

I've done hurtful things to others. I usually am not the type who hurts others. I am usually in some sort of dire situation before I lash out. Unfortunately, when I did lash out it was usually at the most convenient person. I often tried to correct my mistake though by confronting the person responsible.

I have learned that God/dess or Spirit is very forgiving of our mistakes. Even the hurtful ones. If God can forgive me, I can forgive me. That is a spiritual REALITY. Forgiveness. But, before we can accept forgiveness we must first acknowledge that we've done something hurtful. And that acknowledgment can hurt us too.

I used to feel so alone on my spiritual path. Then I realized that God/dess or Spirit is everywhere. That I had learned from my mistakes that which my teachers -- Jesus, Buddha, Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr. -- already knew.

I've also learned that it isn't a mistake to fight back when one is in danger of sexual violence. I was so caught up in pacifism -- I wouldn't fight back. I ended up rationalizing the other person's behavior. I ended up taking my inevitable rage and hate for these crimes out on myself. Sometimes it's better for our safety and sanity to fight back, and not feel guilty about doing so -- no matter what we had to do to fight back and possibly "win." There is an exception to every rule and sexual violence is the exception to living a pacifist lifestyle. I learned from those mistakes too, eventually. One definition of insanity is not learning from our mistakes. And I was so depressed I couldn't see what I was supposed to be learning from these creeps.

I think it is important to learn from others mistakes too. Progress, not perfection here.... I've always tried to learn from other people's mistakes. Sometimes I did. Some mistakes are subtle, though, and we often can miss that the other person has made a mistake. It was like that for me with using marijuana. I did not learn from my biological father's mistake of using the stuff. I'm not surprised (it was all as clear as mud as far as he's concerned.)

I'm so happy that I've found my serenity. I can make peace with myself and my past mistakes. I didn't expect my search for enlightenment to lead to such a wonderful sense of well-being that is consistently there for me. I no longer believe that the mistakes are half as important as my successes.

Peace, love and happy endings!

Prayer

Prayer works.

It does not matter what religion you are, or even if you don't belong to any particular religion.... It works.

There are some studies that show that people who pray tend to be happier and healthier then those who don't. It is essential to sobriety.

Of course, on some things like terminal illnesses, prayer doesn't seem to work all that well most of the time. That's why it is important to believe there is life after death, I believe. Some people who are ill just want to "move on," after all. Most of us are seeking a better life then what we have here. Oh, truly, prayer can bring about miracles. But, I honestly believe that God and Goddess answer the prayers that are in our hearts. If someone really wants a better life then what they have here, God and Goddess will take them away to a better place. Our "work" here often isn't as important as we think it is.... It doesn't need to be "finished" a lot of the time -- or at least not as badly as we tend to think it does....

I know the religious context is not as important as the act of praying. I used to pray to the Universe. I've prayed to the Goddess. I've prayed to Great Spirit. I've prayed to God. I've prayed to Jesus. I've had most of my prayers answered. I've even done "magic" to get what I wanted -- which is just another way of requesting our heart's desire. I've gotten what I needed most of my life. And when I didn't get the basic necessities of life, it was because I was irrationally rejecting them.

Of course the resources have to be available for whatever we are asking for. If there isn't food available -- we aren't going to get fed unless we are very faithful and really willing to believe in miracles.... Even then, our idea of a miracle might well be terrifying to someone else... God doesn't want to terrify people. But if the resources are there -- we will get what we need.

Some people (predatory types, mostly) will go directly against God to terrorize others too. It is hard for God/dess to remove those people from our lives at times, because they defy God's will. Sometimes they are even secretly Satanic... It isn't God's will to take away our free will -- and with predatory types this has a down side, unfortunately.

I got a car once because I prayed for one. (The prayer, at the time, was to "the Universe.") It was reasonably priced and mostly reliable.... I did end up selling it. I got tired of myself with a car. I did, and it was too expensive. I stopped walking places when I had that car. I took the easy way out. I wanted the instant gratification....

I don't get down on my knees when I pray. I don't use "canned" prayers very much. I don't like the residual feelings of shame that come along with getting down on my knees. I was abused when I'd get on my knees as a small girl, and I don't like the way I feel. It draws an uncomfortable parallel between God and my stepfather -- and I don't think my stepfather wants anything to do with God. I talk to God, Goddess and Jesus conversationally quite often... I pray a lot for world peace. For good leaders who don't believe in warmongering. Perhaps I am asking for a lot, but so be it.

I went on a Spiritual journey once. I really wanted to get closer to the Great Spirit. I did not do the traditional thing of going off into the woods and/or the mountains and being alone. I had heard of people travelling about surviving on the kindness of others alone. I figured that was a good way to travel, learn about faith, and get closer to the Spirit. It felt like the right thing to do at the right time. I prayed that, the entire time I was out on my journey, that I would find safe shelter every night. I was gone a month. I did not have a sleeping bag -- just a few clothes. I did find safe shelter every single night of my journey. It really strengthened my faith, in Great Spirit and humanity.

Shortly after that journey, I found out about the relocation of the Navajo for a coal mine. With writing being my "mode," I set out to write an article about the relocation. I prayed for them all the time. I prayed a lot that the coal mine get shut down. I did rituals to protect them. I left my young daughter behind with the foster family to go down to their reservation and write the article. After I wrote the article, I wrote a synopsis of it and sent it to every powerful entity I could think of. I found out the coal mine was operating illegally. It had been shut down by a judge who also was a minority. The court order was being ignored. I gave some speeches about it. I followed my "intuition." I prayed all the time. Miraculously a couple of years after I wrote my article the mine was shut down and the relocation stopped.

Thank you God and Goddess!

I don't thank the Spirit enough. I don't thank God and Goddess enough. I don't thank Jesus enough.... But I do pray all the time. I talk to God/dess all the time. And most of my prayers are answered -- even the big ones. I just need my faith.... It will all work out!

Courage

Courage is not the lack of fear -- rather it is the willingness to do the "next right thing" in spite of being afraid.

In today's entry in Keep It Simple (from Hazelden) the quote reads, "Often the test of courage is not to die, but to live," Vittorio Alfieri. One of the most courageous things an addict or alcoholic can do is to get into recovery and stick with it. The steps each take doses of courage. It takes a lot of courage to walk into a meeting. It takes courage to keep coming back. It takes courage to walk back into recovery if one has relapsed. It also takes courage to do service work. Sponsors take risks with each new sponsee. Who knows what a sponsee is capable of when drunk or high if they choose to go back out.... It definitely takes courage to talk to someone who has not yet gone into recovery.

It isn't too much of a stretch, really to choose the path of courage if one is alcoholic or addicted. After all, we weren't deterred from using by the idea of probable or certain death, why should we be deterred from doing the next right thing? It's probably less dangerous, anyway.... Me, personally, I enjoy the adrenaline rush of facing up to my fears, and doing what's right. I consider myself to be a very courageous person. If I can't do the right thing through direct action, I'll take indirect action. I've rarely seen totally hopeless situations and/or conflicts arise. Courage makes me feel powerful, and I, like most other people, to some extent enjoy power. I have courage because I channel my darker "desires" into healthy outlets. I am not afraid of my dark side at all, and it has it's uses.

To love takes courage too. To love most people (warts and all) takes a lot of courage. There is a lot of pressure on us to love only one person. There is a lot of discouragement towards acting out of love. Many people seem to think that showing love to their kids, and especially other people's kids is somehow "spoiling" them, making them "weak," or it's "inappropriate." To be a loving person can leave one feeling like some kind of pariah (which passes, of course). There are a lot of people that equate loving behavior with weakness.... Then again, it takes courage to stand up to peer pressure. It especially takes courage to go against the family, if they don't seem to care much for others.

I don't think courageous people hit their kids. I know courageous people don't rape or beat women and children or commit hate crimes. (That makes predatory types cowards, because they pick on the weak and pander to or flee from those they perceive as "strong")

I learned about courage when I stood up to bullies in school. I didn't like those boys lifting up my skirts in elementary school and I really let them know about it. I've often been afraid when I've stood up for myself. But, I just had to do it! As I grew older I grew to enjoy that feeling of "danger." I've rarely been beat up or had my life threatened as a result of speaking my mind. I've been sexually assaulted a lot, but standing up for myself repeatedly to those people caused them all to eventually leave me be. I've stood up to people that I thought might be child molesters too, when they were holding children in questionable ways in public. I have reported people for possible sexual abuse to CPS too. I can't count the number of times where I was the only person who stood up in a public place where someone was smacking their child and told them "Don't hit your kids!" There is safety in public places, and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself and others in them.

There is a fine line between foolishness and courage though and I have crossed it at times. But, I know it's okay because God/dess still loves me, and I am okay today anyway. I might've ticked off some family members but that's alright too, I couldn't live up to their materialistic standards anyway.

I think one of the most courageous things we can do is to live a life of non-violence. Self defense is not violence in my book. Sometimes self defense is necessary in cases of sexual assault. I honestly believe that "turn the other cheek," means I only have to do it once. I put up with a lot of sexual assault from "ex-boyfriends" because I took the nonviolent stance too far, and was a little too forgiving of that kind of crap. My honesty with those people carried me out of those sick relationships, though, safely, and being honest is also courageous. I like the Wiccan rede "Do what thou wilt, so long as you harm none (on purpose)" I live by it, and I believe it is courageous to do so. If we try to live courageously, we may cross that line of foolishness, but we will end up back on track and probably none the worse for wear.

Courage is something I definitely know about. I believe that I am a very courageous person. I think more people should try it!

Something Different....

"We had to have something different, and we thought we had found it in drugs."

Basic Text, Chapter 3, p 13

Yes, I remember that need to find "something different" well. After 20+ years of seeking some solution to my persistent, clinical depression, I finally gave in to using marijuana. I didn't want to go the established route of seeing a psychiatrist or a doctor about it. I didn't want any manufactured drugs at all. I didn't tell anyone but friends about my depression. Since they all tended to be actively using addicts, they were more then understanding about my not wanting to see a professional about it. I did not confess to my constant suicidal thoughts, though. There were two main reasons for this -- first I didn't want them to "overreact" and take steps to prevent me, and the other reason was I saw it as a weakness. I refused to accept that I needed help with it.

My family did not help. It was obvious my stepmonster saw my constant crying as some sort of weakness when I was a teenager. They never sought help for problems from professionals. She insulted me when I'd cry and never (except once when a cat died) shed tears of her own. My biological father never cried that I saw. I requested to see a therapist which they agreed to (in word) but never allowed to happen. I believe they were afraid that their drug use and physical and emotional abuse of me would be discovered. My stepmonster was perfectly okay with her losing her temper all the time, but not anyone else. It was something of an emotionally sterile environment I grew up in.... Before my biological father so "generously" took me off my stepfather's hands, I was also the child of an interracial couple. That, too, made me feel different -- but I learned at a young age to appreciate that particular difference. I began to think of ways to influence the people around me to be more accepting of people of other races and cultures.

It says in today's entry in Just For Today, "Many of us have always felt different from other people." I remember that feeling well, too. Nowadays I don't feel so different, but that is because of recovery. I felt different because I lost my mother at such a young age. I felt different because I had such close experience with death. I felt different because I had been adopted twice -- the second adoption by my own biological father when I was ten years old. I felt different because I was a very sensitive kid. I felt different because my parents weren't the sensitive or warm/fuzzy type. I felt different because they would not come to any of my sporting events as a child. I felt different because I felt I had no support.

That isn't necessarily a bad thing -- being different. After all, we all have different experiences. It gives me something to talk about. I have chosen a different kind of spirituality/religion. I don't really mind so much standing out in a crowd (not that I do all the time or anything). Being different and being noticed at the same time gives me the perfect opening to talk about people's civil rights.

The marijuana gave me an instant "circle of friends." Ones I could beg from when I ran out. Ones I could get to come over when I "had some" to share. But, eventually I got too paranoid to share much, and my instant "friends" stopped coming around. I ended up very lonely. One friend who seems to honestly believe that the prescription painkillers she's hooked on were better then my drugs, stopped coming around too when I started smoking all the time. I numbed that loss for many years. But I still dreamt about her... especially after I was forced to quit.

I'm not so different now.... I have friends who had higher and lower bottoms then me, but they ended up in some serious crisis, physically, mentally, emotionally and especially spiritually. They quit the drugs too. I can relate to them. I have finally found some people who are serious about growing spiritually and I found them in recovery. Although, going to Alanon or something similar before I found marijuana, probably would've yielded similar results, I don't really regret it.

At the very end of the entry it says "My Higher Power is the 'something different' that's always been missing in my life. I will use the steps to restore that missing ingredient to my spirit."

Indeed, my higher power is the "different" kind of authority figure I needed. One who cares and helps me find the help I need for my depression. I haven't been haunted by it for many years now, and my higher power insisted I get that help. I know God/dess did. One who can answer my questions, especially the ones about what happened to the loved ones I've had that died. I did not need another punishing Patriarchal type figure in my life, and for many many years I thought God might be that kind of "person." I've since learned differently.

So, though I still feel a little bit different from others, I can find similarities and "common ground" with mostly anyone I meet. Its a balance -- we should love diversity and respect it, as well as look for common ground. After all, we all are human and bleed red (as has been said for some time now.) I no longer dwell on my differences. Thank you God, Goddess and Spirit. That is love to me....

Turning It Over...

I have to confess I am not the greatest at turning stuff over to God/dess. It's always a big deal when I do. I always turn people who seem dangerous to me over to God/dess, but I don't do it with the smaller stuff.

The serenity prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." helps me a lot in knowing what I can and cannot change in my life. I know I cannot change other people. That doesn't prevent me from suggesting that they change, but I see no reason to nag anyone or pressure anyone into changing. That isn't quite the same thing as turning the situations over to God/dess though.

There are several situations in my life that could really use some "divine intervention..." I am concerned about several addicts and alcoholics that used to be in my life regularly. Most of the women who are actively using are also involved with bad men. I DO pray for them, but I haven't actually turned them over to God/dess.

Maybe this is because I don't really trust that my God/dess can do anything. It seems as if these women are standing in God and Goddess' way. I feel as if I LET God and Goddess help me, but I really had to be stopped from doing any more destruction first....

I haven't really had too many problems turning MY will and MY life over to the care of God and Goddess. Perhaps the trust I have established with my higher power can be taken to a higher place. I don't have a lot of stress in my life right now, and I know that can be attributed to my higher power at work in my life. Don't get me wrong, I do have problems, but I don't really stress over them. I just take steps to correct any problems that come up. I can only do what I can do.

I'm not sure HOW I should go about turning these situations over. I think tonight I will try to make up a little prayer for turning people and situations over to my higher power. It shouldn't be too much of a stretch of faith for me, really. God/dess seems to have taken care of my two children who I gave up for adoption. The situations they were born into were impossible, really.... and I was with bad men when they were born. I do remember asking for God's help with my children, and I got it.

My adopted mother is an alcoholic, I'm pretty sure. She's with a violent creep who married her after my biological mother passed away. I will pray for her, and turn it over to God and Goddess. I should know by now there is nothing I can do about it. My stepmother is with a pervert and is a drug addict. I think she has OCD. I will pray for her too and turn it over. She doesn't respect me enough to take advice from me. There's nothing I can do about that either.

There are several other people I know that need SOMETHING along the lines of divine intervention, and I am hanging on for dear life -- at least I am in my heart and mind. I really need to let it go and let God. I just don't want to give up on my loved ones. It's hard to let go of family, too. I just want it to get better, and me worrying about other people's safety isn't really doing ME any good.

Yes, tonight is a good night to turn it all over to my God and Goddess and see what happens.....

No Regrets

A long time ago, when I was about 17 or so, I decided I'd try to live a life without regrets. I'd have to say that I'm pretty successful at it. I try not to do anything I'd regret. Oh sure, I've done the wrong thing before out of ignorance, but I treat everything as a learning experience. I don't quite have no regrets, but I have very few.

In the Alcoholics Anonymous promises it says "We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

It seems to me that I had to figure out mostly everything on my own. I did not get advice from parental units.... They gave orders not suggestions. They made it clear that children were to be "seen and not heard." If I find myself regretting taking the wrong course of action, I remember that I didn't really have any good role models besides my teachers. And the good Lord knows I didn't want to be a high school or elementary school teacher. I'm not either of those things -- so I don't regret that I didn't become those things! I really didn't know what to do about several of the crises that happened in my life, and it's pointless to regret doing the wrong thing about them -- especially without good counsel from anyone but God/dess who I wasn't really in touch with at the time, any way.

My whole life has been one big learning experience. How could I regret that? God/dess forgave me the wrong choices I made, and I think that forgiveness is the best cure for regret. I'm still alive, too, and not dead -- so none of my choices yet, have killed me.

If I hadn't become addicted I wouldn't have found recovery. If I hadn't become addicted I still would have been wondering if the sexual misconduct of some of the men in my life could have been blamed on addiction. I now know that it can't be. There was no excuse for that behavior. I did not sexually abuse anyone while addicted or high. If I hadn't become addicted I would not have found the people who are clean, that I need in my life now. If I hadn't become addicted, I would have believed the so-called enlightened people that think drugs will help them become more spiritual or enlightened. If I hadn't found recovery I might've tried peyote or something, run out in front of a car and been run over.

I learn from my mistakes -- therefore I don't really regret them. And often things turn out for the best, really.

I think it's a good way to live -- not doing anything (saying anything) that one might regret later. I find that I am fairly lighthearted, and very forgiving because of it. I am happy! I don't have a lot of amends to make to people because of that. Don't get me wrong, there are some I had to, and have to, make -- most of them for retaliation of some kind or another. It is important to make amends for retaliation or revenge.

I find that action, even if it is wrong, in a crisis, can lead to the right people, places, and things. I know that when I was extremely psychotic and drunk and tried to burn down my father's house cause I though God told me to (as well as because of his total lack of concern and sexual abuse), I found that I got treatment for my psychosis, drug addiction, depression, etc. It was good treatment too. I also got a roof over my head and three meals a day. I had been homeless for three years prior to that. My whole family refuses to forgive me and wants nothing to do with me. They even took legal action to prevent me contacting them. At least now, their intolerance is visible to others -- so I'm not sure I really regret what I did. I did feel guilty for quite awhile, but that went away too.

I don't really regret being homeless either -- not that I had the prescence of mind to fix it. I saw a lot of the country and met a lot of neat people.

I usually choose positive action, but I don't always know what is the best direction to go in a crises.... I just know, learning from past mistakes, that there is nothing useful to be gained from the "deer in the headlights" reaction. I try to respond, rather then react. I learned that from past mistakes too.

No point in regretting valuable mistakes (as long as I learn from them!) Also, there's no point in regretting past patterns of behavior that might have been healthy if one is no longer repeating the bad behavior. That just leads to the "what ifs." I think it is important to take a look around our present reality and appreciate what we do have now. And I have a lot! There's no point in beating myself up over the past when I have so much wonderful stuff in my life today!

It's also good to try right action -- a good preventative measure against future regrets. They say that if you have "one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you're pissing all over today." That means one has to be present in the now to avoid regret. I know lots of people who's lives revolve around regret and they are not happy. That is why I decided to live my life without them at 17.

Works for me!

Facing Death

I've been dealing with the idea of death for much longer then most people my age. My mother died in 1973 (a little over 35 years ago.) She ran into a telephone pole after losing control of her car. Most people get introduced to the idea of death by losing a pet or something.

At first the whole concept that she just wasn't there did not make sense to me. It took me a long time to understand that she just was not coming back, ever. That was what death really began to mean to me -- the person does not ever come back. I became a sensitive kid after that -- not liking the idea of killing anything. I'm sure, if I'd had any say so in what happened to me after that -- I would have become a vegetarian as a kid. I still don't even like killing bugs really, and I don't really like to hurt anyone -- even in self defense. I was not taken to grief counseling or any other kind of counseling and was treated rather brutally by my stepfather. So I learned to deal with it on my own....

I figured other people just didn't understand when I found a wounded crow in the back yard when I was about 6 years old. I threw one stone at it to see if it would fly away.... There were about 5 other neighborhood kids there and they then started throwing stones at it too. They continued to throw stones until the bird died. I told them to stop. Nobody was more surprised then I when the thing died. I will never forget that. It took me a long long time to trust my peers after that.

There are five stages of grieving: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Or as I've renamed them to fit the acronym DADDY (Denial, anger, deal-making, depression, and yielding) One of the reasons I use the acronym is it's easier for me to remember and it reminds me that we have a father figure in Heaven. It seems I always skip the bargaining or deal making stage. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because I really believe, in my heart, that most of us go to a better place when we die and that we become happier people. I want my loved ones to be happy, for sure.

I was told by an ignorant person who used to be a friend, that if you don't dream about those who have gone on that you aren't dealing with the grief. I don't personally dream about those who have died cept once in a blue moon. (even less often, honestly) It is very unhelpful to argue with someone who has lost someone. My stepmonster always used to tell me that there was no way I remembered my mother. She was wrong but she persisted anyway. I know I am not the only person who remembers the age of three. Truly, I don't remember much. But, I do remember my mother and always will. I think she was trying to convince me to forget about her and accept that she was my new mother (as she obviously thought she would become when she adopted me legally and had her name put on my birth certificate.) I also think she was trying to prove to me that I couldn't possibly love someone I "didn't remember." For a long time I really resented her. But I can accept a lot of her ignorance now -- she is an active drug addict.

I really believe that without my faith it would be much harder to cope with death. I don't know about anyone else, but I really need to believe in life after death and I do believe in it. I really believe that when I die I will get to finally see my mother.

My acronym reminds me to reach out to God/dess whenever I lose someone. It's even okay to ask God/dess (repeatedly if necessary) to prove they exist. I insisted and was given proof. Its much easier now for me to cope with the losses of loved ones. I found out after losing an aunt to cancer shortly after I became addicted to marijuana, that the marijuana didn't help me cope with her loss, or accepting there was a God, after all, any easier. Thus began my journey of self disgust at my compulsive using. One which is now over, thank you God and Goddess.

I really believe that good-bye is never forever.