Facing Death

I've been dealing with the idea of death for much longer then most people my age. My mother died in 1973 (a little over 35 years ago.) She ran into a telephone pole after losing control of her car. Most people get introduced to the idea of death by losing a pet or something.

At first the whole concept that she just wasn't there did not make sense to me. It took me a long time to understand that she just was not coming back, ever. That was what death really began to mean to me -- the person does not ever come back. I became a sensitive kid after that -- not liking the idea of killing anything. I'm sure, if I'd had any say so in what happened to me after that -- I would have become a vegetarian as a kid. I still don't even like killing bugs really, and I don't really like to hurt anyone -- even in self defense. I was not taken to grief counseling or any other kind of counseling and was treated rather brutally by my stepfather. So I learned to deal with it on my own....

I figured other people just didn't understand when I found a wounded crow in the back yard when I was about 6 years old. I threw one stone at it to see if it would fly away.... There were about 5 other neighborhood kids there and they then started throwing stones at it too. They continued to throw stones until the bird died. I told them to stop. Nobody was more surprised then I when the thing died. I will never forget that. It took me a long long time to trust my peers after that.

There are five stages of grieving: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Or as I've renamed them to fit the acronym DADDY (Denial, anger, deal-making, depression, and yielding) One of the reasons I use the acronym is it's easier for me to remember and it reminds me that we have a father figure in Heaven. It seems I always skip the bargaining or deal making stage. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because I really believe, in my heart, that most of us go to a better place when we die and that we become happier people. I want my loved ones to be happy, for sure.

I was told by an ignorant person who used to be a friend, that if you don't dream about those who have gone on that you aren't dealing with the grief. I don't personally dream about those who have died cept once in a blue moon. (even less often, honestly) It is very unhelpful to argue with someone who has lost someone. My stepmonster always used to tell me that there was no way I remembered my mother. She was wrong but she persisted anyway. I know I am not the only person who remembers the age of three. Truly, I don't remember much. But, I do remember my mother and always will. I think she was trying to convince me to forget about her and accept that she was my new mother (as she obviously thought she would become when she adopted me legally and had her name put on my birth certificate.) I also think she was trying to prove to me that I couldn't possibly love someone I "didn't remember." For a long time I really resented her. But I can accept a lot of her ignorance now -- she is an active drug addict.

I really believe that without my faith it would be much harder to cope with death. I don't know about anyone else, but I really need to believe in life after death and I do believe in it. I really believe that when I die I will get to finally see my mother.

My acronym reminds me to reach out to God/dess whenever I lose someone. It's even okay to ask God/dess (repeatedly if necessary) to prove they exist. I insisted and was given proof. Its much easier now for me to cope with the losses of loved ones. I found out after losing an aunt to cancer shortly after I became addicted to marijuana, that the marijuana didn't help me cope with her loss, or accepting there was a God, after all, any easier. Thus began my journey of self disgust at my compulsive using. One which is now over, thank you God and Goddess.

I really believe that good-bye is never forever.