God's Will

As a child I was very confused about what God or Goddess wanted from me or for me, for that matter. My abusive parents used to drop me off at Bible Study, where I was treated like some kind of demon spawn because I had questions about the things in Sunday School that didn't seem to make sense.... I used to argue with the woman who taught the class, and she would get very upset at my questions and my pointing out flaws in the logic. Things that stood out to me were the lectures on Hell (they gave me nightmares where I would see walls of fire.) I didn't believe in Hell for a very long time because they told me liars went there, and I knew my mother (who died when I was three) must've lied to her parents before. I knew she was not in Hell. I also didn't understand why God would turn a woman into a pillar of salt for simple disobedience. I certainly didn't believe in Lot's innocence when his daughters "seduced" him, because I had been raped as a child.... I remember not understanding all the fear that I was learning from the church. I remember not believing the story of Noah at all. I didn't understand all the double standards for women, especially because I was a tomboy. I did not believe I was "inherently evil" I also remember getting disgusted with the church when I saw how much fun it was throwing a dreidl, and not understanding their lack of love for other religions, especially Judaism...

There were just too many white people in that church too. I noticed it. I knew my adopted mom's people had to have another religion. She is Native American. I also wondered about this "Mother Nature" character. If there was no feminine divine person, why did so many people call Her Mother Nature?

I've come to believe that I can't take the Bible at face value. Even some things that Jesus said seemed to contradict things in the Old Testament. I had questions that went unanswered for a long time, because Jesus was kind to children, and my stepfather was not. I don't recall Jesus hitting one child. Solomon preached violence towards children, but Jesus didn't practice that at all. I used to believe from time to time that I deserved the ill treatment I got. I used to believe it actually did "hurt him more then me," from time to time. I used to argue with him. He'd tell me it was all my own fault.... For a long time I believed that men just couldn't help it. After all, I had really ticked him off so much that he couldn't help himself.... And I think I believed the story of Adam and Eve for about five minutes.... After all, snakes didn't talk to me!

I was soooooooo angry with God, because I just couldn't believe most of the Bible the way it's written! I was angry at God because He took my mother away from me, and the only kindness I got growing up was from teachers, and sometimes my adopted mom. I was a very angry child and of course, that was totally unacceptable to my family. I was a very sad child too. I didn't snap out of it until I was treated with antidepressants at the age of 33. I was a very frightened child.

For a very long time I believed that God and the Devil were the same person/entity. I've believed for a long time that it was God in charge of Hell (when I believed in Hell during my lifetime). I didn't see why God would put, basically, a criminal in charge of people's souls. I thought maybe that God was getting us back through diseases and such for the way we treat animals. I think people forget that animals are God's creatures too, and God helps them find food, too!

I've come to believe since then that God and Goddess' will for us is to love and be loved. If our deepest longings and images of the kind of people we would like to be are what God wants us to be, then God must want what's best for us. I've come to the conclusion that God is kind. God and Goddess want us to get closer to Them of our own free will because They love us. God and Goddess are just too. God and Goddess have to do justice to people who've been wronged. I think part of God's justice is having us live with being separated from loved ones (when they die, etc.) because when we live here, we often separate ourselves from Them. Also, They take people to live in a better place when those people just cannot take anymore. God and Goddess do want us to understand Them to the best of our ability. The more love we have and feel the closer we are to Love, which is what the Spirit is, to me!

I think God and Goddess led me down many widely diverse religious paths so that I could see the truth that Love is everywhere. Love is in all religions. Love is in most people. God's will, in my humble opinion, is the will to love. It is our will to show love to other people in spite of how we may feel at the moment. God and Goddess want us to love them, unconditionally.

I don't believe that God did turn Lot's wife into a pillar of salt. I firmly do not believe that all the double standards for men and women come from God. And I don't believe that only men can attain spiritual heights. But it seems that only spiritual men get respected for their minds and hearts. Men do not have to go through labor and I guarantee it's impossible to maintain serenity while in labor! Extreme pain, emotional, mental and/or physical, is a challenge to anyone's peace of mind. Most of the men who've attained greatness as spiritual people simply did not have to go through large amounts of pain. It's impossible to feel peaceful, and next to impossible to maintain good will towards others all the time when one is undergoing torment or agony! But after the pain passes (it will) we can reconnect, if we felt disconnected.... We must learn how to cope with pain without using drugs and such. They don't help even people who aren't addicted to them....

Unfortunately, addicts who started drugging and/or drinking at a young age will find this difficult. Those addicts have to cope with pain at the level at which children do, because as we deal with pain growing up, we develop a higher and higher threshhold. If we don't deal with it growing up or as adults, it will hurt more..... Drugs and alcohol kill pain. That is what they do..... Pain becomes kind of raw after we quit. Pain (most of the time) means that something is wrong. When people say pain is your friend, it means that it is warning that something is wrong.... Faith can help with pain, even physical pain. Pain doesn't come from God, but it is God's will that we learn to cope with it as it is a messenger. (And that's another thing, I simply don't believe the story that God hurts women giving birth as punishment!)

I hear the pain stops when we die. I don't know if that's true or not, but surely we must still miss people even on the other side. I guess learning to cope with it is part of the Plan. Love is like a rose, I've heard it said, and roses have thorns.