Past Mistakes

I am a work in progress.... I don't spend a lot of time beating myself up for the mistakes I've made. Wisdom takes time.... Wisdom takes a lot of time. Decades, in fact....

My path has been one of seeking enlightenment. I've tried many things on that path. Some of them worked, some of them didn't. When I was a kid, I felt wise beyond my years. But I still ended up making a lot of the same mistakes my peers made. I felt like I had to grow up too fast. I felt like I had to leave the things of childhood behind too early. My parents weren't the type of dependents who would let a child run their lives, but they were dependent on me to validate their feelings for them a lot.

I used to think I could teach others about spirituality when I was about 10 years younger then I am now. But I really didn't understand what I was trying to teach. I never declared myself to be anyone's teacher on spirituality. I knew, on some level, I was way too young and naive. But I made many errors and took the long way around quite often. I did try to teach a friend of mine magic. You know, the kind of magic that witches typically do. Maybe it was a little Hollywood style.... I've since discovered that one doesn't need to do magical rituals to get Spiritual help. But I learned from that mistake. Sometimes rituals can focus and clear the mind, so we know exactly what we are asking for.

I've done things out of selfish want too. Most of those things were mistakes. I ended up regretting them. I ended up with negative feelings about those situations, and also smidgens of guilt.

I've done hurtful things to others. I usually am not the type who hurts others. I am usually in some sort of dire situation before I lash out. Unfortunately, when I did lash out it was usually at the most convenient person. I often tried to correct my mistake though by confronting the person responsible.

I have learned that God/dess or Spirit is very forgiving of our mistakes. Even the hurtful ones. If God can forgive me, I can forgive me. That is a spiritual REALITY. Forgiveness. But, before we can accept forgiveness we must first acknowledge that we've done something hurtful. And that acknowledgment can hurt us too.

I used to feel so alone on my spiritual path. Then I realized that God/dess or Spirit is everywhere. That I had learned from my mistakes that which my teachers -- Jesus, Buddha, Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr. -- already knew.

I've also learned that it isn't a mistake to fight back when one is in danger of sexual violence. I was so caught up in pacifism -- I wouldn't fight back. I ended up rationalizing the other person's behavior. I ended up taking my inevitable rage and hate for these crimes out on myself. Sometimes it's better for our safety and sanity to fight back, and not feel guilty about doing so -- no matter what we had to do to fight back and possibly "win." There is an exception to every rule and sexual violence is the exception to living a pacifist lifestyle. I learned from those mistakes too, eventually. One definition of insanity is not learning from our mistakes. And I was so depressed I couldn't see what I was supposed to be learning from these creeps.

I think it is important to learn from others mistakes too. Progress, not perfection here.... I've always tried to learn from other people's mistakes. Sometimes I did. Some mistakes are subtle, though, and we often can miss that the other person has made a mistake. It was like that for me with using marijuana. I did not learn from my biological father's mistake of using the stuff. I'm not surprised (it was all as clear as mud as far as he's concerned.)

I'm so happy that I've found my serenity. I can make peace with myself and my past mistakes. I didn't expect my search for enlightenment to lead to such a wonderful sense of well-being that is consistently there for me. I no longer believe that the mistakes are half as important as my successes.

Peace, love and happy endings!