Something Different....

"We had to have something different, and we thought we had found it in drugs."

Basic Text, Chapter 3, p 13

Yes, I remember that need to find "something different" well. After 20+ years of seeking some solution to my persistent, clinical depression, I finally gave in to using marijuana. I didn't want to go the established route of seeing a psychiatrist or a doctor about it. I didn't want any manufactured drugs at all. I didn't tell anyone but friends about my depression. Since they all tended to be actively using addicts, they were more then understanding about my not wanting to see a professional about it. I did not confess to my constant suicidal thoughts, though. There were two main reasons for this -- first I didn't want them to "overreact" and take steps to prevent me, and the other reason was I saw it as a weakness. I refused to accept that I needed help with it.

My family did not help. It was obvious my stepmonster saw my constant crying as some sort of weakness when I was a teenager. They never sought help for problems from professionals. She insulted me when I'd cry and never (except once when a cat died) shed tears of her own. My biological father never cried that I saw. I requested to see a therapist which they agreed to (in word) but never allowed to happen. I believe they were afraid that their drug use and physical and emotional abuse of me would be discovered. My stepmonster was perfectly okay with her losing her temper all the time, but not anyone else. It was something of an emotionally sterile environment I grew up in.... Before my biological father so "generously" took me off my stepfather's hands, I was also the child of an interracial couple. That, too, made me feel different -- but I learned at a young age to appreciate that particular difference. I began to think of ways to influence the people around me to be more accepting of people of other races and cultures.

It says in today's entry in Just For Today, "Many of us have always felt different from other people." I remember that feeling well, too. Nowadays I don't feel so different, but that is because of recovery. I felt different because I lost my mother at such a young age. I felt different because I had such close experience with death. I felt different because I had been adopted twice -- the second adoption by my own biological father when I was ten years old. I felt different because I was a very sensitive kid. I felt different because my parents weren't the sensitive or warm/fuzzy type. I felt different because they would not come to any of my sporting events as a child. I felt different because I felt I had no support.

That isn't necessarily a bad thing -- being different. After all, we all have different experiences. It gives me something to talk about. I have chosen a different kind of spirituality/religion. I don't really mind so much standing out in a crowd (not that I do all the time or anything). Being different and being noticed at the same time gives me the perfect opening to talk about people's civil rights.

The marijuana gave me an instant "circle of friends." Ones I could beg from when I ran out. Ones I could get to come over when I "had some" to share. But, eventually I got too paranoid to share much, and my instant "friends" stopped coming around. I ended up very lonely. One friend who seems to honestly believe that the prescription painkillers she's hooked on were better then my drugs, stopped coming around too when I started smoking all the time. I numbed that loss for many years. But I still dreamt about her... especially after I was forced to quit.

I'm not so different now.... I have friends who had higher and lower bottoms then me, but they ended up in some serious crisis, physically, mentally, emotionally and especially spiritually. They quit the drugs too. I can relate to them. I have finally found some people who are serious about growing spiritually and I found them in recovery. Although, going to Alanon or something similar before I found marijuana, probably would've yielded similar results, I don't really regret it.

At the very end of the entry it says "My Higher Power is the 'something different' that's always been missing in my life. I will use the steps to restore that missing ingredient to my spirit."

Indeed, my higher power is the "different" kind of authority figure I needed. One who cares and helps me find the help I need for my depression. I haven't been haunted by it for many years now, and my higher power insisted I get that help. I know God/dess did. One who can answer my questions, especially the ones about what happened to the loved ones I've had that died. I did not need another punishing Patriarchal type figure in my life, and for many many years I thought God might be that kind of "person." I've since learned differently.

So, though I still feel a little bit different from others, I can find similarities and "common ground" with mostly anyone I meet. Its a balance -- we should love diversity and respect it, as well as look for common ground. After all, we all are human and bleed red (as has been said for some time now.) I no longer dwell on my differences. Thank you God, Goddess and Spirit. That is love to me....