Newcomers

"The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away."

Basic Text, Chapter 2, p. 9

There is a reason for this.... The newcomer is in danger of giving up. They are in danger of going back out, and using. The first few days to weeks of giving up their drug of choice can be really rough. They say, "don't give up before the miracle happens." It will probably get worse before it gets better. A lot of drugs, including alcohol, cause physical withdrawal symptoms. Sometimes they are deadly. Sometimes a newcomer needs to go to detox and/or treatment. But, soon, it will start getting better and better if a person sticks with the program.

Since I've been raising my hand at meetings when they ask if anyone wants to be a sponsor, I've met several newcomers. I still don't really have much experience sponsoring anyone. My sponsees seem to keep going back out. Those I've tried to give the program to, don't seem to want it. I have a couple of books on sponsorship. I have my own sponsor who teaches me by example. I'm still figuring out how I want to lay down boundaries with sponsees. Most of my potential sponsees meet with me once or not at all, and I don't get the chance to lay down boundaries with them. A lot of them have gone back out. Some of them weren't even clean and sober when they asked me. I refuse to chase those people around. Who knows what kind of nightmare I could walk into....

My philosophy is not to get too attached to newcomers. Perhaps it is an issue of self preservation. I don't want to lose anyone I am close to to a drug overdose. I don't want to get in fights -- especially petty ones. I'm not into "female competition" for the attention of some stupid guy. Most women who are actively using are very competitive for men, and some of them aren't so nice about it. I'm very happily divorced and single. I don't miss the sex thing at all. I don't like it when people compete with me even when I am not competing with them for the sex thing. Also, if I am around people who are actively using they tempt me unnecessarily to use, myself. I don't like being lied to. I don't like being BSed. The drug world is not one I would, nowadays willingly go back to.

Many people in recovery say they would much rather give resentments then get them. I've even heard people in recovery say that if you haven't given newcomers resentments, you aren't doing your job right. Well to some extent I understand where these philosophies come from. I'm not always sure where the line is, and I don't like to start arguments, but if I can save a life, I will do it. Sometimes it isn't always clear how to go about doing that, and we are powerless over others. People tend to hear what they want to hear, unless they are listening. Actively using addicts are notoriously bad listeners.... I know that popularity isn't anywhere near as important to me now that I am nearly 40, as it was when I was nearly 18! I am not, (never really have been) a yes person or an arse kisser, but I still don't like stepping on toes.

I was a newcomer to this program late in my recovery. I had three years of forced sobriety before I ever attended my first meeting. I did voluntarily go to treatment where I was locked up at after those three years of white knuckling it. It's hard for me to picture staying clean and sober of someone's own free will. It took me so long to want it. I admire those newcomers who seem to want what I have.

Its very hard for me to communicate the peace and serenity I feel most of the time. I guess what makes me feel peaceful would stress most people out. I communicate freely about ugly issues. It keeps me from bottling them up inside. It keeps me free from stress for the most part. I communicate the positive and the negative. I call it like I see it. I know I never saw much very clearly when I was using.... At least I know that now. Before I became addicted and after I got into recovery I could see what was going on pretty well. Drugs distort everything; they blind us, Drugs lie. Drugs don't help us to see when someone else IS to blame for our problems.... It becomes all about us when we are using. We become victims, but it also becomes all our own fault when we are in addiction.

I got to tell you, if you are a newcomer, keep coming back. All it takes is a desire to stop using (or drinking) to qualify. You don't have to say anything or admit anything right away. As a matter of fact it is recommended that you "sit down, shut up and listen" for awhile. You don't need to figure it out. Nobody expects you to do anything but everyone hopes and prays you will stay clean and sober. It's too much to expect you to stay clean and sober, apparently. Keep coming back, newcomers. Life can be very good without the substances.

The NA Way

The way of Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual way. Working the steps is a big part of NA. The steps will bring us closer to the Spirit if we do them right. God/dess does not want us to be a slave to anyone or anything. The NA way should set us free, if we put any effort into it at all.

I white-knuckled it for the first 3 1/2 years I was in recovery. Of course, I was in jail for 1 1/2 years of that time where they did not have meetings for us, and while I was in the institution, I did not attend the meetings they had there. I was so unsure that I was actually addicted to marijuana -- after all -- it isn't supposed to be addictive. (But, then again, neither is alcohol, and some folks get addicted to alcohol anyway.)

I had attempted a few of the steps, like step 3 and step 11. Step 12 happened to me anyway while I was still in jail. Some of the jail's religious people were giving out bookmarks and I received one that said "God is love." Things began to make sense to me after that. I really do believe that love makes the world go round.

I finally went to the treatment unit during my last year in the institution. I did go to the meetings they had there. I did a lot of listening and very little talking. I read through most of the Big Book and the Basic Text. We didn't really have a lot of the meditation books that are available. We didn't have any of the literature that is read at the beginning of normal meetings. The meetings rarely lasted more then 15-20 minutes. I didn't trust a lot of the men there. There were a few perverts in the treatment unit, and I didn't feel like giving them any ammunition or information they might perceive as weakness. I DID listen however. I even got in trouble a few times and they refused to give me more privileges because I was so quiet. In our AODA class, they mostly talked about the hard drugs -- which I had nothing good to say about and very little experience with. They also talked about withdrawal, which I did not have physical withdrawal symptoms.

Lo and behold, though, while I was in the treatment unit, my cravings stopped. I stopped having using dreams for the most part. I guess they thought I was going to fail.... I did, too. I thought I might, as soon as I got out of the intstitution, go and have a drink or two. I figured what could the harm in that be. I never had much tolerance for alcohol, and I know what social drinking is. I had never had a problem limiting myself to two drinks. I did however have serious problems controlling my marijuana use. I never could make the stuff last, and it did not make me hurl like alcohol does. That's probably the reason I don't really miss drinking all that much -- it usually made me feel crappy unless I stopped at two drinks. Needless to say, I did not go drinking after I got out. Several people had warned us that drinking could lead back to our drug of choice, and I must've listened to them.

The NA way is a way of life. We feel much better when we own up to our mistakes and then can leave them behind us. We can feel useful when we help others. We can get out of ourselves (escape) for awhile when we help others. I, personally, was able to go back to being able to read and enjoy books. It was awfully hard to read while stoned.... We get back our freedom to choose. We get back more money we can spend on stuff like food, clothes, even luxuries.

Drug addiction leads to jails, institutions, dereliction and death. This is not freedom. Addiction is definitely a form of slavery. We have to make so many concessions and sometimes moral compromises when we use. It doesn't help us feel good about ourselves either. Oh sure, using can make us feel elated for a little while, but there is no substitute for feeling good ABOUT ourselves. I know I made a few compromises while using. I drove while I was stoned. I smoked weed in front of young children. It surely seemed that I couldn't help myself. When I'd come down I'd feel like crap about doing these things, and I knew that telling people about them would mean that I'd end up in jail... so I kept those feelings locked up inside.

For a long time, I thought that NA and AA WERE a form of slavery. I believed that they were some kind of cult. I thought that marijuana was the way out of my misery. You see, with my clinical depression, I did not think that they would allow me to use anything to help my depression and it's accompanying, constant, suicidal thoughts and urges. I did not want to be told how to believe in God, either.

I realized though, a few years after I was locked up that I needed some kind of support. That's why I asked to be transferred to the treatment unit. There I found people who had feelings similar to mine. Although I tried to make friends with people there, it seemed I was the only one making contact with a lot of the women I met there. Most of them were new to recovery, and many of them relapsed I'm sure. People who stay in recovery tend to be a minority. Some of the people I met in the institution died while I was in recovery. I realized then that the antidepressants were really helping me.... I haven't experienced any black depressions since I've been taking them, even after I've lost people. I still miss those friends I had that died, but it simply did not floor me like it was when I was depressed.

Some people in recovery are anti-medications. I'm not one of them. Some of us need them. I know that I would not be able to string together two coherent sentences without them. I know I would've committed suicide without them. The NA way is not about abstaining from necessary medications prescribed by a doctor, no matter what anyone says. It is, however, about freedom from slavery, which is what God and spirituality are all about.