The NA Way

The way of Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual way. Working the steps is a big part of NA. The steps will bring us closer to the Spirit if we do them right. God/dess does not want us to be a slave to anyone or anything. The NA way should set us free, if we put any effort into it at all.

I white-knuckled it for the first 3 1/2 years I was in recovery. Of course, I was in jail for 1 1/2 years of that time where they did not have meetings for us, and while I was in the institution, I did not attend the meetings they had there. I was so unsure that I was actually addicted to marijuana -- after all -- it isn't supposed to be addictive. (But, then again, neither is alcohol, and some folks get addicted to alcohol anyway.)

I had attempted a few of the steps, like step 3 and step 11. Step 12 happened to me anyway while I was still in jail. Some of the jail's religious people were giving out bookmarks and I received one that said "God is love." Things began to make sense to me after that. I really do believe that love makes the world go round.

I finally went to the treatment unit during my last year in the institution. I did go to the meetings they had there. I did a lot of listening and very little talking. I read through most of the Big Book and the Basic Text. We didn't really have a lot of the meditation books that are available. We didn't have any of the literature that is read at the beginning of normal meetings. The meetings rarely lasted more then 15-20 minutes. I didn't trust a lot of the men there. There were a few perverts in the treatment unit, and I didn't feel like giving them any ammunition or information they might perceive as weakness. I DID listen however. I even got in trouble a few times and they refused to give me more privileges because I was so quiet. In our AODA class, they mostly talked about the hard drugs -- which I had nothing good to say about and very little experience with. They also talked about withdrawal, which I did not have physical withdrawal symptoms.

Lo and behold, though, while I was in the treatment unit, my cravings stopped. I stopped having using dreams for the most part. I guess they thought I was going to fail.... I did, too. I thought I might, as soon as I got out of the intstitution, go and have a drink or two. I figured what could the harm in that be. I never had much tolerance for alcohol, and I know what social drinking is. I had never had a problem limiting myself to two drinks. I did however have serious problems controlling my marijuana use. I never could make the stuff last, and it did not make me hurl like alcohol does. That's probably the reason I don't really miss drinking all that much -- it usually made me feel crappy unless I stopped at two drinks. Needless to say, I did not go drinking after I got out. Several people had warned us that drinking could lead back to our drug of choice, and I must've listened to them.

The NA way is a way of life. We feel much better when we own up to our mistakes and then can leave them behind us. We can feel useful when we help others. We can get out of ourselves (escape) for awhile when we help others. I, personally, was able to go back to being able to read and enjoy books. It was awfully hard to read while stoned.... We get back our freedom to choose. We get back more money we can spend on stuff like food, clothes, even luxuries.

Drug addiction leads to jails, institutions, dereliction and death. This is not freedom. Addiction is definitely a form of slavery. We have to make so many concessions and sometimes moral compromises when we use. It doesn't help us feel good about ourselves either. Oh sure, using can make us feel elated for a little while, but there is no substitute for feeling good ABOUT ourselves. I know I made a few compromises while using. I drove while I was stoned. I smoked weed in front of young children. It surely seemed that I couldn't help myself. When I'd come down I'd feel like crap about doing these things, and I knew that telling people about them would mean that I'd end up in jail... so I kept those feelings locked up inside.

For a long time, I thought that NA and AA WERE a form of slavery. I believed that they were some kind of cult. I thought that marijuana was the way out of my misery. You see, with my clinical depression, I did not think that they would allow me to use anything to help my depression and it's accompanying, constant, suicidal thoughts and urges. I did not want to be told how to believe in God, either.

I realized though, a few years after I was locked up that I needed some kind of support. That's why I asked to be transferred to the treatment unit. There I found people who had feelings similar to mine. Although I tried to make friends with people there, it seemed I was the only one making contact with a lot of the women I met there. Most of them were new to recovery, and many of them relapsed I'm sure. People who stay in recovery tend to be a minority. Some of the people I met in the institution died while I was in recovery. I realized then that the antidepressants were really helping me.... I haven't experienced any black depressions since I've been taking them, even after I've lost people. I still miss those friends I had that died, but it simply did not floor me like it was when I was depressed.

Some people in recovery are anti-medications. I'm not one of them. Some of us need them. I know that I would not be able to string together two coherent sentences without them. I know I would've committed suicide without them. The NA way is not about abstaining from necessary medications prescribed by a doctor, no matter what anyone says. It is, however, about freedom from slavery, which is what God and spirituality are all about.