Sharing the Real Me

Today's entry in Just For Today says "If we are to share our innermost selves with others, we must first have an idea of what those innermost selves are truly like."

Getting to know oneself is a life long journey I think. We do change sometimes when we grow older. We discover new talents. We discover new feelings. We have new reactions to our feelings. There are things we simply did not know about ourselves. There are things we discover we are capable of that we did not know we were. Our state of mind changes all the time. Some have said that the only constant is change. To some degree, too, we can decide who we are or will be. We have some choice in what kind of person we are.

It is impossible to share all of ourselves at a single meeting. We do have to decide what to share and what not to share. We usually want to stick to the topic unless there is something more urgent going on that demands our attention. I think it would take most of a lifetime to share all of me with another human being. True intimacy is people really getting to know one another. That means taking risks.... It can be scary to share what is really going on inside with others. But in truly intimate relationships we should have plenty of time to work up the courage to share all of ourselves. There is no rush to confess our innermost fears to virtual strangers..... That probably wouldn't be wise anyway. There are plenty of real predators out there, and predators see fear as weakness. They would capitalize on such feelings....

I spent a lot of time getting to know myself before I became addicted. Recovery has been, to some degree, relearning some of my old habits. I was constantly reflecting. Of course, before I became addicted, the lens I was looking through could've been considered "cloudy" because I had clinical depression for over 20 years before I became addicted. The person I knew myself to be back then felt suicidal most of the time. I didn't believe that anyone was powerless over any aspect of themselves back then. I thought that if I meditated enough, exercised enough, was tolerant enough, talked to God/dess and prayed hard enough, did enough good deeds -- some thankless, helped others out enough, was green enough, etc. I would feel better. Looking back I can see quite clearly that I was powerless over my depression.

My self esteem improved before my depression was treated. That had a lot to do with me just deciding to escape from those predatory types as quickly as possible. I used to try to educate them and help them with their self esteem. I know now I was much too tolerant of their shenanigans. I really did not know any better. Nobody taught me about how to deal with those kinds of men, much less effective means of dealing with them. I know it isn't a woman's fault when she gets hit by a man -- but I know I don't want to give those kinds of men any excuses to hit me either. I know I never want to get facial reconstructive surgery or anything like that.... So I just started to leave those kinds of men behind me as quickly as possible and trusting my gut.

Unfortunately this way of coping cost me a couple of friendships with women who were also too tolerant of abuse. They defended those kinds of men, and decided that I was doing something wrong by refusing to put up with verbal and sexual abuse. Those "friends" denied my experiences.

Oh well, such is life, some people will never accept who we really are. I have learned through experience that it isn't worth it to force my real personality on others. I've never been one of those people who wished I were someone else. I've always thought that I was fine just being me. Maybe it's my own "sour grapes" story, but what other people have and do never seemed worth the price they paid to get it. I've always had some faith that things would improve for me. I've always been introspective enough to know that I could change what I didn't like about myself eventually. I'm a little bit stubborn, too, and I'm not the kind of person who would just lay down and die or pull the covers over my head and hide for long. Other people simply don't have what I want. I can get my own, thank you very much....

I've found too, through experience that people who have a problem with the "real me" as they perceive me, are often projecting their own repressed personality traits onto me. It's been said "you spot it, you got it." I try not to do this. I try to remain non judgmental of others. It takes time to get to know real people and what is really true about them. It takes time to see others clearly.... It helps if there is honest intimacy going on. I don't trust others right off the bat. I tend to project my good traits on monsters at times: things that simply aren't really there....

I put the real me out there. I'm not always talkative, in fact, I am not very talkative at all, but I'm always me. People can like it or lump it. It helps me not to get too attached to others. Detachment from others who I have feelings for can be very helpful. People have the right to do what they do as long as they aren't victimizing someone. I don't have the right to try and control them, and I expect others to give me the same right. I have the right and responsibility to be real, and I need patience to find those who like and love the real me. Those are the friendships that are worthwhile to me.