The Holidays

Well, Christmas and New Year's Day are coming up soon and I've been thinking a bit about them. Christmas happens to be one of my favorite holidays. Possibly my favorite, after Halloween. Although I could do without the frigid temperatures and multiple feet of snow.... I've lived through several "green Christmases" and I don't mind there not being snow. Truth be told, I really hate snow... even on Christmas!

I have not spent the holidays with family in over 20 years now. They have never called me on the holidays or sent me cards, much less invited me over.... It was always me that called them on Christmas and Thanksgiving. They've complained about me moving around a lot since I moved away from my parents, but I really didn't move too much, and I always gave them my new phone number and address when I've moved. Since I committed my crime, I no longer feel obligated to talk to people who have legally made it so I cannot contact them, and it's okay. However, I still love Christmas. I refuse to be one of those lonely depressed meandering souls on Christmas. Perhaps it helped that that was the only time of year my stepmonster was mellow and mostly cheerful when I was growing up. She would actually bake cookies and stuff. We, my brother and I, actually got to spend time in the living room on that holiday. (The rest of the year it was either spend time in our bedrooms or in the basement. Most of the time it was the basement for us.) Christmas became a peaceful time of year to me, because of that.

I usually spend my holidays with friends. For its friends that I'm most thankful for in my life. I've spent periods where I was convinced I had no friends. Those were rough patches....

When I was using I missed seven Christmases. I really cannot, for the life of me, remember what I did during those Christmases I was addicted. That's one of the things that's been on my mind lately concerning the holidays. It's a bit disturbing to not remember one of one's favorite holidays.... I think I just plain refused to celebrate any of the holidays during those years.

Not that it's an excuse to use, but at the beginning of my addiction I was fed up with the behavior of a very close friend who I had spent about 9-10 of the previous holiday seasons with. We treated each other as family on the holidays usually. I enjoyed spending time with her and her family on the holidays. She, however, often used me for free child care without payment OR thanks. She would have lost her kids in her custody battle with her violent ex husband if I hadn't been there to care for them when she could or would not. Or someone would have called CPS on her. She rarely got up before noon and young children need their breakfast and supervision in the mornings, especially if they are too young to know not to run outside into the street! She never said a bad word about her ex husband; it was her mother who told me that he had thrown a dinner platter at her head. I never liked the man, he used to beat the crap out of Samantha (his daughter) while potty training her. He hit on me several times even though I adamantly said I was NOT interested. She never once, during the custody battle mentioned his violence. Ah, well, her behavior and denial is customary for an addict.... She does like her pain pills for her cough-less bronchitis....

Ah, but, I AM thankful the kids were never removed from their family. I am thankful that I got to help raise kids after giving up my first daughter for adoption. It was nice to get to know a child or two, even though I don't really know my own. You see, my old best friend is Cajun and I know for a fact that CPS is really hard on Native American people. She doesn't really trust anybody that is full blooded anything, including whites. So she doesn't seek help much for her issues.... Prejudice is real, and I'm positive it would have worked against her in a custody battle of any kind. Often white authority figures want to kill the spirituality of many Native Americans. They want them to integrate into white society. They want them to work for other white people often. It doesn't seem to matter that PTSD (and addiction) interferes with her working (some stupid wage slave job) in a serious way. She has problems in college for the same reasons.... I had the time and the energy for many years -- so I decided I could help with the kids.

I can't think about Christmas without thinking about her and her family. I often miss them -- although I'm not sure I miss my old best friend, herself.... I think the lack of gratitude burned me out a little. That and the lack of a desire to get better....

This holiday season, I have many things to be grateful for....

I've lived in this town long enough that I have finally got a circle of friends to spend time with. I have a few old friends back in my life too that I can talk to about the stuff that happened "back then." I have my own apartment. I am grateful that I can have spaghetti on Christmas without irritating any one! (I live alone!) I may not be getting many gifts this year, but that was never what it was about to me.... I was a weird kid, I loved giving more then receiving even then. It was fun watching people's faces when they'd open their gifts! I'm not sure I really will be able to buy too much for others this year either.... However this year, I think I will make fudge and give that to people!

I am grateful that I will be able to remember this Christmas! This Christmas may actually be worth remembering since I have those friends (and a cool sponsor) to spend it with, too.