Recovery Is Reality

Recovery is all about dealing with reality. It IS reality for me and many others who are in recovery. Recovery is all about being real. It's about facing and showing our real selves. I almost feel sorry for those who don't find any kind of recovery, whether it be from addiction, alcoholism, abuse, gambling, overeating, etc.... It is a reality that there is a higher place, and the higher we go the better we feel and the better off we are.

I used to feel so isolated and alone. Before I started using regularly, I was very much into becoming "enlightened." Other's didn't seem to be interested in enlightenment much.... Of course, I was not hanging out with recovering people then. I used to use I statements. I'd try to compromise in conflicts. I tried to show love to others. Few people would even meet me halfway. It seemed like most of the conflicts I was involved in involved accusations or people giving me orders without explanations or compassion for my feelings.

I've said this before; love is my higher power. Love is a reality. Love exists. Love is real! It is around even if we are using, clinically depressed, or certifiably insane.... I found love before I found recovery. Perhaps it was tainted with other's addictive behaviors, but it was always there and very real. I found love when I was actively addicted too, but I ran away from it. I'm not talking about romantic love, necessarily, either. To me, true friendship is the highest form of love there is. I had real friends. I found people who took care of me for brief periods of time when I was homeless and addicted. People gave to me. I was given money, food, shelter, clothing and transportation. Few of those people wanted anything in return.

Love helped restore my faith in humanity. It is of course, tempered with skepticism. I've had enough people lie to me, use me, and take advantage of me. I used to be such a sucker for a good sob story....

Love was such a rare commodity in my family. I've learned from my experiences that my kind of family is rarer then I thought it was. I've heard other war stories from recovering people about their families.... Love should never be "earned." It is meant to be given freely and shared. It is meant to be passed on to others. I was the kind of kid that was always shocked when I found out my elders were doing something wrong. I usually hid in denial when I found out they were breaking the law or doing immoral things. I was not the kind of kid that reported abuse. I guess I learned at an early age I wasn't worthy of love; to love myself was conceit, or something.

My love could not fix it! I tried to fix it a lot. I was also the kind of kid that used to think that if I couldn't do it myself, what could someone else possibly do about it?

My stubbornness (which runs in my family) is good for something though. I am stubborn about solving puzzles and figuring things out. I want to know how things work. I wanted to know how God worked. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know why my parents were so uptight. My stubbornness has kept me in recovery. It keeps me doing things that are good for me. It keeps me trying to become the kind of parent I thought my parents should be. I am an avid reader of all kinds of stuff. I read long ago -- somewhere -- that love should be unconditional. From that point on I wondered why I was not getting unconditional love from family. I love love (be that good or bad -- that is the way I am.)

I am rather new to the area I am living in. I am having to build up my support system from scratch. My family wants nothing to do with me these days. I am not spending holidays with them, and it's been about 20 years since I was welcome in a family member's house on the holidays. The friends I spent the holidays with in the past are addicts, unfortunately. They live far away, and would not be good for me to be with now that I have the reality of recovery. Reality isn't always fuzzy pink clouds and rainbows and butterflies. It isn't always peaceful. Some people really object to me finding recovery. Some people really object to the truth. Seems some live their entire lives in denial -- although, granted, the truth is too hard to deal with while on drugs -- too shocking. Reality can be scary.

Reality, though is rich with experiences, emotions and yes, love. Love is my reality. I live and breathe love. I show love to mostly everyone. Love is mostly about giving, but it is also about graciously receiving. Love is about telling others the truth -- even if they don't like it or misunderstand. Love is about being honest, open minded and willing. I'm sure my new friends do feel love for me, even if it is a new love. Love is real! Love gets stronger in recovery, because addiction weakens our ability to give and receive love. Love is very frightening to an addict. Which explains why I was scared of everything, including love, when I was addicted. Love was an ideal when I was using, now it is my reality. I am no longer alone in trying to find that higher love. I am no longer alone in seeking enlightenment. I am no longer a lonely spiritual type.

For that I am grateful!

Oh, and I no longer let immoral, illegal acts slide. Sometimes love means choosing sides. I choose sides with the victims (or survivors). Sometimes love means sticking up for the underdog. I love myself enough to not let myself be victimized any more. God and Goddess love me too. They loved me before others showed me love, and definitely before I loved and took care of myself emotionally. I know that means loving myself unconditionally..... I am recovering from abuse too, and that is reality too. We won't find reality when we are escaping from it with chemicals and substances. We won't recover from our pain until we start to actually recover. That is a fact and therefore, reality. I am not perfect and I love it! The real me is not so screwed up any more, and people accept the real me easier then they used to because I am recovering. It is okay to be me; that, too, is reality. I also love my imperfect friends dearly. I feel good about myself -- even when reality is unpleasant -- because of love, and that is priceless.