Relationships

I am staying away from romantic relationships for awhile....

It seems to me that men just expect too much. I have a difficult enough time cleaning up after myself. I've got enough emotional baggage of my own that I don't need someone else's too.

"One of the biggest stumbling blocks seems to be in placing unrealistic expections on ourselves or others. Relationships can be a terribly painful area."

Basic Text pg 78

Before I became an addict I had several "relationships" with men who had pushed me into sex and/or taken advantage of me. I guess it was an unrealistic expectation that they treat me with decency and respect. I'm not sure it was my issue of self respect that made me go back for more abuse..... It was more in the spirit of forgiveness and tolerance for me. I thought I could teach them to be better people, to learn the value of being "good," to touch me the way I wanted to be touched, etc. I was a very confused person. I believed that if they must "desire" me that much it must be love. I'd get a physical reaction often when they'd touch me that I could not help and I was certain, on some level, that that was what encouraged them to take me further then I wanted to go. I was so certain they could "see right through me." It was quite a pattern -- I'd tell male "friends" up front that I was not interested in a "sexual relationship" and they'd all ignore it. I was also clinically depressed -- at times severely depressed -- and had a hard enough time seeing any kind of hope.

A lot of these men were also addicts or alcoholics (or both.) They often promoted and pushed drug use upon me. I got so tired of running from addicts that I just gave in. The pot smokers seemed the least disturbed by reality -- so I thought if I smoked it too, my reality wouldn't disturb me any more.

I was married once to a very abusive alcoholic I met in the Navy when I was enlisted. That relationship lasted three long years. He convinced me to try LSD for the first time. He'd rape me while we were "frying." He never asked permission or took "no" for an answer when he wanted it. He just started grabbing my body parts and kissing me like a fish. He never quit doing oral sex when I wanted to quit. He never would stop grinding around on top of me till I had an "orgasm" first. He loved to drink and smoke pot and do LSD. He rarely had a job. I often faked it with him just to get him to climb off of me. He, of course, never listened to what I wanted in bed. There was no affection allowed -- hugs always went further then I wanted them to.

I learned when I was little that men often wanted one thing. I learned that it took a lot of figuring out how to outsmart them into not wanting that from me any more. It seemed like such an awful lot of work to get a man to quit taking that thing from me. It seemed a lot easier to just give them what they wanted. I was afraid that I would get punched in the face if I fought back too much. It never seems to occur to me to scream for help. When I was little and getting raped, I couldn't breathe well enough to scream, and it never became a habit.

These "relationships" -- including my marraige and those following (which seemed like being married to my ex all over again) really traumatized me. I have been taken advantage of by at least 50 men over my lifetime. Often repeatedly. It gave me all the excuses I needed to use drugs. I thought that they would help me cope with the pain. I figured if it would give me pleasure it would take away the pain. Pleasure doesn't get rid of pain though as I soon found out. Being high started to make me anxious all the time. There was nobody to talk to about it either that I knew of at the time. My whole family refuses to believe in sexual abuse and that it could have happened to me. Most of my family has a drug or alcohol problem and thrives on denial. Some of my family is also sexually abusive. I can't have relationships with people I can't be honest with so I am staying out of my familial relationships as well. A lot of people really believe they are the "black sheep" without actually being that. I'm certain I am.... Being in recovery from mental illness, depression, drug addiction, and PTSD makes me even more of a black sheep. I don't believe my family believes in recovery, mental illness, depression, that they are addicts or that sexual abuse causes PTSD. They don't accept that these things interfere with "finding a good job" and "keeping up with the Joneses." That, and it was totally unacceptable to all of them that I committed a crime against one of my abusers. They subsequently disowned me and took out "no contact" orders against me. I guess it was the "last straw." To me, it was like having a tumor removed -- it hurt, but I felt much better afterward.

Friendship to me is the only relationship worth having. I really love my friends. I take care of my friends. I don't stay where I'm not wanted either. I believe to have friends, one must be a friend. My friends are my family. I believe that real friendship is a two way street, and I no longer feed the leeches. I've learned that respecting myself is also an action. I figured that out when I was using, and have continued to learn about respecting myself more since I've found recovery. I've also learned that the truth can be an effective weapon against predatory types if it is coupled with a kind of fearlessness. I know it isn't my fault if one of those types decides to hit me. I'm not really afraid of pain or death and will tell the worst monsters off if I have to. I will point out their flaws to their faces. I will call it out as I see it if I feel I am being taken advantage of. I will not go back for more anymore. I will escape from them as soon as possible. I will enlist the aid of others if necessary -- although I've found the police and DA's to be the least helpful of allies to me.....

I also have my relationship with Jesus and the Goddess. (I believe in both entities) They keep me from feeling lonely. I know there is life after this and I will get to see my mother again if I do die. It wasn't till I found recovery that the whole concept of there being a real higher power started to make sense. That is, recovery from mental illnesses and drug addiction. In jail, I was given a bookmark that said "God is Love" That's when it all began to make sense. I don't know if it was "just" my mental illness that made me see angels and Jesus when I was addicted, but now I know that those kinds of things are real. To me it just isn't worth it to find a romantic relationship and with my close relationship to my higher power(s) I almost never get lonely. Plus I really enjoy my freedom and being single. I only have me to clean up after! I don't have to report where I am going or when I'll be back. I LIKE sleeping alone and can hog the bed and covers to myself! Quite frankly, my uncle spoiled french kissing for me, and I don't really like that much either. I guess I'm just having too much fun to have it any other way. Life is good nowadays. I find that without the "sexual curiousity" I get in less trouble. I don't respond well to being "hit on" and am not the least bit curious about men who "hit on" me any more -- no matter how honest it seems.

I'm not afraid to be rude if I need to -- to people looking for sexual and/or drugging partners. I guess that's what it takes. My sanity is just too valuable to me now.