An Open Letter to My Old Best Friend

As you know, I am in recovery now. I have been doing 12 step programs for some time now. I’ve found that step 3, “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Higher Power, to help us to rebuild our lives in a positive and caring way,” was a crucial part of my recovery and a turning point for me. That step 3 is actually how the Dual Recovery Anonymous phrases it, but it is still the same – basically – for all the recovery programs I have been in.

My recovery basically started with step 3. As you know, I have mental illness, and I think you just figured out it was schizophrenia from the decomposition of my writing skills. I was having experiences, delusions and hallucinations that led me to believe I was being haunted by evil spirits, demons and the devil. I was paranoid and I felt as if you were exhibiting stalking type behavior towards me. I literally thought I was in another dimension here on Earth – and that it was a version of hell. I was having rape hallucinations which I was certain were demons raping me, and I felt as if the devil was trying to force my soul out of my body…. It was NOT fun at all. The drugs weren’t helping and I blamed a significant amount of what I was experiencing on the marijuana….

I have been familiar with the 12 steps since I was a teenager. I think it was step 3 that scared me away from the steps altogether. I think it kept me away from Alanon, which probably would have helped me cope with everyone’s drinking and drug use – including yours. Quite frankly, I didn’t think God had good things in mind for me. I really believed that all the sexual abuse and shit were some kind of lessons that were ordained to me that I was supposed to learn from, and had quite a bit of resentment towards my Higher Power, which is now Love – but was not then. I did not understand why God just didn’t step in and stop all the sexual abuse I’ve gone through…. However, now that I think about it, I did have some kind of warning feeling and fleeting thoughts that these guys might be creepy…. However, I thought maybe that little warning feeling was my own prejudice, and prejudice is not something I embrace at all…. God also helped me manipulate the situation and helped me put a stop to the sexual abuse I experienced as a small child.

God does not want to scare us. I’ve learned that since then.

It was shortly after I said to God, with whom I had little to say before then, that I turn my mind, heart, body soul and will to Him, that I lost my place to live. Do you understand that God took me out of that circle of people I was hanging with in Bellingham. I survived homelessness alright. I needed to get away from the users and abusers that surrounded us. Most of the delusions and hallucinations that led me to believe the devil was trying to steal my soul stopped after that. Some of those hallucinations had me squirming within my skin because they were painful! I felt the devil retreat from me.

That didn’t stop me from using marijuana though for many years after that…. I really believed it was “natural” and therefore, okay for me to use. Of course, I did not do the other steps. However, I really feel like step 3 saved my life and the few remnants of my sanity at that time. I still did not understand what God/dess was all about at that time. I really didn’t embrace any kind of male deity figurehead at all for a long time after that. However when I was in jail for trying to burn down my father’s house and stealing a blanket and fishing pole from his garage, I received a bookmark that said “God is Love.” (I had tried to burn down his house because he grabbed my ass in 1995 during the one and only hug we ever exchanged.) Things began to make sense after that, however, I was still not interested in any kind of recovery and was wishing hard that I could get out of jail so I could go get stoned….

I did however feel okay about having turned over my will to the power of love….

I did step 3 again after I got out of being locked up. I was locked up for 4 ½ years total…. Three of those years were in a mental institution. One of the years I was in the institute, I was in rehab. I talked to God, Goddess, Jesus, the Spirit and the angels all the time when I was locked up. I tried to get answers. I felt comforted that the Spirit was love. I knew then that the Spirit was higher then my parents, etc. I tried to make sense out of things. I participated, albeit minimally, in meetings and AODA classes in rehab. Nonetheless, my cravings and such began to disappear when I was in rehab. I began to think perhaps I COULD live without marijuana when I got out. I knew, in rehab, however that I was an exception to the rules and could certainly sneak alcohol when I got out….

I did know that rehab was God’s will for me, so I willingly went through it.

I have learned to trust God’s will for me. God has cleaned up my drug and alcohol use. God has put me in a place in Wisconsin where I can visit my mother’s grave and don’t have to worry about running into my biological father. Their no-contact orders against me, along with the no-contact orders so many other family members and old friends have taken out, have protected me from feeling obligated to talk to people that simply don’t believe in sexual abuse and mental illness, much less emotional or physical abuse…. I have since learned that sometimes God’s will is to turn our back on toxic relationships and such. We don’t have to keep trying to shine lights on black holes, you know? I have a nice apartment, and a good circle of recovering friends now, that I am building. God is definitely helping me rebuild my support system. I had to do it from the ground up, but I didn’t have to do it alone, and therefore it was much easier. God helped end my depression and stabilized my psychosis with very effective and minimal medications.

On the barest shred of faith I turned over my life to someone I knew very little about. I did it again 2 years ago, and I am doing it again now, officially, however I often do this in between. I check to make sure my will is aligned with that of love. Love knows no boundaries of religions and such, and is everywhere. Love doesn’t need to respect the separation of church and state, because God is in both…. I don’t need to tolerate hate, either…. God’s will for me seems to be that I be both healthy and happy. God is not about suffering, I’ve learned. God doesn’t need to look like a person, and certainly not like a man. Learning that God is love, to me, means it is okay to disagree with any dogma that doesn’t agree with the fact that God is love to me…. I feel much more safe and secure then I used to and I am sure this step was instrumental in that. I never went without food when I was homeless. I think that is because I talked to the divine entities I did and always asked. I now understand what faith really is, and I know, no matter what that I will be okay.

I also know that God is not all rainbows and butterflies, and gay things. It is not a boring journey. There is much excitement in my life. I know that God does not will for me to be really bored. God/dess or Love is not about stagnation and dull things. It is much like a roller coaster, but I no longer hit the suicidal lows I used to have quite frequently. I did not have to trust right away, I just had to DO IT. Now I do trust, and am having lots of fun. I learned to trust, and God is patient enough to have let me learn how….

I miss you, and hope to someday see you again when things are better….


Merry Christmas

Finding Inner Peace

I think the greatest gift recovery has given me is a fine sense of inner peace. They call it serenity.

For a very long time I was at war with myself. I was echoing parental judgment calls, criticizing myself with my own brand of criticism, and thinking very negatively. All the faith in the world was not healing my depression. At least not faith in the divine. I had no faith in others to speak of. I alternated between thinking I had all kinds of power to destroy (or affect) other's lives just by looking at them wrong, to feeling totally helpless. But, I did learn something from my parental units; I learned how to make it all look good on the outside. I worked full time for a long time, but my internal conflicts interfered with my jobs, quite frankly. I had something to write about, but I did not know how to write about it. Feelings are censored viciously in my family, so I learned to write about them. Now, I've come to a peace with my utter need to write: my thoughts, my feelings, and my imaginings....

I learned a long time ago to keep my mental filing system organized. I spent many years working on that. I coached my own memory so that my memories weren't chaotic. My memory is far from perfect. I've probably forgotten much much more then I care to. I know what belongs in the round file, though these days. Most suspicions, fearful thoughts, and worries/what ifs belong there. I don't try to kill those thoughts -- I just try to ignore them -- thus, no fighting required. I had to think about stuff enough to decide what was true and what was not. I don't believe forgiving and forgetting is the truth. That way I don't have to reject memories of real stuff that happened. I don't believe in fighting with myself any more on the issue.

Some people in recovery, even those with many many years of sobriety, are very uncomfortable with thinking. I'm sure that being afraid of one's own head is not the answer. I tend to disagree with the concept of "my best thinking," got me here. It was not my best thinking that did it. It was the conflict between my head and my heart. My best thinking has kept me in recovery though. I'm not afraid to think about stuff. I'm not afraid to take charge of my own head. I mean, we can't control all stray thoughts, but we don't have to feed the monsters in our heads. I don't have much conflict nowadays between my head and my heart. I think about each feeling I have, and file it. If it's obsessive, I wait it out, it will pass. If it's sadness I write about it. If it's anger I decide on an appropriate course of action and words. If it's happiness I enjoy it, etc. I sort out my feelings, and I think many of us in recover would find it valuable to identify feelings correctly and if we cannot, investigate what the feeling really is. We are in control of our behavior, most of the time, although many of us cannot control crying, blushing or laughing really. Basically, I don't fight my feelings either. Things are much more peaceful because of that.

I needed medication to feel right though. I am on antidepressants. It's very hard to make peace with ourselves if something is physically wrong with our brains. I had to learn how to get my head and heart to work in tandem after I was treated for my serious depression.

It is impossible to find peace if we are on drugs or messed up on alcohol. It interferes with the way we should feel about stuff that happens and we know it. We don't feel right. Our thinking is slowed down, and we have a very difficult time dealing with what we do start feeling. We won't always know how to act or respond to our feelings. We may have serious difficulty in dealing with conflicts with others especially if we cannot fully understand what they are trying to tell us.

A long time ago I learned about communication cycles. In arguments, often neither party listens to the other and what they are really saying. It is next to impossible to really listen to what someone else is saying if we are messed up on drugs and/or alcohol. It's impossible to cooperate with our own feelings if what they are saying is a "buzz-kill" kind of thing. I think being at peace means being able to control our behavior and the way we respond to others. Often people who are high or drunk will get angry at the messenger who brings bad news. And they are incapable of understanding often that the messenger is not responsible for the way they feel....

Good listening skills make for peaceful relations with others a lot of the time. Paired with a peaceful cooperation of heart and mind, we can use effective communication to the other person. We can do our best to understand where they are really coming from, avoid arguing about the small stuff, and avoid blaming them for the way we feel. I know that all of this requires a sober mind. Being present in the moment is necessary too, and hard to do when we are messed up on drugs and alcohol.

I feel very blessed that I have this inner peace too, since so many have booted me out of their lives, possibly permanently. Every single person who "disowned" me crossed too many boundaries with me. I always let them know about that. I have peace in my assertiveness and being able to lay down boundaries. I am okay with the fact that I am okay about it. That too is a form of peace between myself and these others. Silence can be very peaceful. I don't start fights with people who don't want me around. I don't fight at all unless it's a battle I have picked and I am trying to save someone's life. My inner peace/serenity doesn't have to be affected by their turmoil. If I don't feel like I can maintain my serenity, I let them go.

Peace, to me is friendship. To me inner peace then means being my own best friend. I treat myself in my head and otherwise as I would a good friend. I don't beat myself up. I used to use affirmations. I used to have to counter every single negative thought with a positive one. I stopped blaming myself for situations where I was actually victimized by someone else. I stopped blaming myself for putting up with it, and giving myself kudos for bravery, cleverness, and sheer pluck in surviving what I have survived. I say nice things to myself all the time. I do good things for myself, and reward myself for good behavior.

I also do good things for others. It helps my self esteem. It gives me positive ammunition to boost myself up. I give myself permission not to be perfect, to be wrong, to make mistakes, and to try. I try to make my world a better place to live in. I would imagine its very hard for a selfish person to find any kind of inner peace. Being messed up on drugs and alcohol makes us all selfish. We cannot think straight enough to even consider putting ourselves in another persons shoes -- that requires imagination and, yes, thinking. I guess the golden rule is good enough for me. I want love from others so I usually treat others with genuine love, and I love myself too.

I am an honest person nowadays. I tell others the truth. I see no need to argue about the truth either. I don't state the truth (to the best of my abiltiy) in a non provocative way. That means I use tact. That comes down to the golden rule too. I want honesty from others. So I use it with others.

I'm okay with myself, basically, are you?

Resentments

It's time to write about resentments. Apparently I've really been dishing them out lately to addicts I know. They say if you aren't giving resentments to newcomers and using addicts, you aren't doing your job right. I must be doing my job right! A lot of people in recovery say "It's better to give resentments then get them," too.

I don't feel guilty..... It's not me making them feel cruddy, it's the drugs and/or their need to control others!

Obedience, especially to those with no legal authority over me, was never a "virtue" of mine, anyway! Obedience is grossly overrated......

What a mess of our lives resentments can make! They can certainly lead to relapse. At the very least they make us feel bad.

The Basic Text of NA says this about relapse, "We are never forced into relapse. We are given a choice. Relapse is never an accident. Relapse is a sing that we have a reservation in our program. We begin to slight our program and leave loopholes in our daily lives. Unaware of the pitfalls ahead, we stumble blindly in the belief that we can make it on our own. Sooner or later we fall into the illusions that drugs make life easier," p.76, chap 7.

Drugs don't make life easier. They make it harder. It is harder to care, to concentrate, to deal with our own feelings. There is nothing that drugs and alcohol can't make worse, I've heard it said many times.

"When a resentment or any other emotional upheaval occurs, failure to practice the steps can result in a relapse," p 77, chap 7, Basic Text. Obviously the cure for resentment comes in forgiveness, in the steps, and perhaps some objectivity.

It says under step 9 in the Basic Text, "In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments," p. 39, chap 4.

The Basic Text defines resentments as, "Resentments are reliving past experiences again and again, and fear is our response to the future," p. 94, Chap 9. Our resentments generally only hurt us. We might be resenting someone for some behavior that has nothing to do with how people act generally in reality.

I think there is some difference between resentments and hate, annoyance and even anger. But negative emotions can lead to resentments if we dwell on them. Emotions tend to be transitory, unless we are hanging on to them. It is our choice to hang onto them or not.

It's easy for me, nowadays to let the little things go: things like stupid drivers, insensitive remarks, bluntness from friends, and even difficult people. I ask myself, "Is this really going to matter tomorrow?" It seems to me that a lot of resentment revolves around control issues and expectations. I used to expect people to know how their words were affecting me without telling them. There's a lot of expectation of mind reading going on. I think people get resentments, too, because other's aren't doing what they want them to. If my toes are getting stepped on, I have to tell the person. And then, let it go. There's no reason for resentment if someone crosses a boundary. I have to tell them, and if they ignore me, it's them. Resentments involve renting out space for free to others in our heads, and we don't need that if we want to recover.

I used to have difficulty not resenting those that have merely abused me, too. But, I find that recovery helps me to let go of this too. All of the people who did that to me, are addicts and/or alcoholics. I can be understanding about it, I've been there too. I try to understand others. I try to understand their behaviors. I know that forgiveness is about thinking right. It's very hard to think right when one is an addict. We actually have to think of others to forgive them. Most addicts and alcoholics who are actively using don't think much about others. They don't think about what God might really want. After all, the Bible tells us that it's okay to punish children with corporal punishment. If they were thinking about what God really wants and practicing critical thinking about what they read, it would give them pause in their addiction I'm sure. They've got to live with themselves; I don't have to live with them.

Where I have difficulty with resentments is towards sexually abusive predatory types. I don't find those so easy to let go. I often hate child molesters and rapists. It's very hard to get over those kinds of experiences for me. I don't feel very forgiving towards them, especially since they go out and attack other women and children. They don't stop doing what they do. They never make amends for what they do. I don't know how to correctly apply double standards. I don't know how to expect them not to, when I expect myself to make amends. It will take time I know, in recovery to learn the correct way to deal with them.

Don't get me wrong, I don't always have feelings for (or against) creepy "people." I'm usually a pretty happy and upbeat kind of person. Usually all I feel towards those types is utter indifference. I cannot love them. Loving perverts is like shining a light on a black hole -- one will just get sucked in. I don't know how to forgive them either.... But as long as I keep working on it, I know I will be alright. I've just been attacked too much up until about ten years ago, to let go of it quickly. I find that breaking the silence, telling the truth, and fighting back by helping others who have gone through similar experiences to be really helpful to me.

On the good side, other then those resentments, everything else is small potatoes. I can let them go.

When I was actively addicted, I was ruled by my dark side. It was totally out of control. We cannot get a handle on resentments, and other negative thinking combined with emotions as long as we are using. We get ruled by dark emotions (deadly sins) when we are not in control of ourselves. We will not truly feel better until we learn how to deal with ourselves and things like resentments. Recovery is about feeling better about ourselves in the long run. We cannot feel better about ourselves when we are nursing little monsters like resentments.

And, I will take long term serenity (feeling better about myself) to short term pleasure any day, thank you!

On Sharing

It took at least one whole year, perhaps two years for me to start sharing in meetings. I was definitely not comfortable with the idea. I wasn't sure what of my experience was relevant. I wasn't sure if I would corrupt someone with my cravings. I wasn't sure how to say what I knew about the Spirit and my experience with that which is higher. When I started going to meetings nothing I knew was crystallized enough in my mind to share it. I felt really different -- marijuana doesn't cause scary physical withdrawal that I know of. Heck, I wasn't even sure for the first year or so of meetings that I was an addict! Quite frankly, all I really wanted to do was listen. I really wanted to know if I was really an addict. I wanted to know what others had been through. I wanted to know the politically correct way to say stuff. I wanted to listen! I'm not always politically correct, but one should know the correct way to break the rules of political correctness!

As far as strength and hope goes, I didn't have much of that to pass around when I first started. I had learned a long time ago that being negative really accomplished nothing. At least, I didn't see my strength, and when I was in treatment -- I saw little hope for me. I was quite determined that I could go out and drink socially when I got out. I really did not see how that could lead to worse problems....

It was shortly after I did my 12 steps that I began to feel like I had something to share....

There is stuff I know about God and Goddess that nobody else knows. That too was something I was listening for too. I wanted to hear from God! I wanted to learn something new about the Spirit from others in the program. I did learn new stuff. I get new perspectives on how God and Goddess might think and feel about various things from others.

Nobody told me to sit down and shut up early in recovery. I guess it's quite common to do that to new people. Nobody had to. I can see the rationale there.... I can see why nobody wants to hear the negativity or be reminded of cravings, or to jones from the glorifying of drugs and alcohol that newcomers are capable of.

But, there is a time to speak up and say something. There is a time to share what is on our minds, preferably relating to the topic of the meetings and/or more pressing matters. We need the vulnerability. We need to air our errors so they can be corrected. We need to teach what we know. I know that mistakes made by people who have hundreds of years clean and sober make me feel relieved that I will never have to be perfect to keep the fellowship. I have made real friends in this program because I am an awesome listener and because of what I have shared in and out of the rooms.

I love the friends I've made in this program. It's about time I had clean and sober friends that actually care about God and/or Goddess! I have people that accept that plain old spirituality is a valid path to Spirit too. The people in my life are not religiously judgmental -- they let me have my weird hodgepodge of beliefs. I've also found it safe to share -- not one person has approached me after a meeting and criticized me for what I've shared.

Isn't this fellowship and program awesome?

Step Twelve

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Step twelve is about service -- loving and active service. It, too, is a maintenance step. Bill W. found carrying the message essential to his sobriety, and it is a formula that works very well for all of us. We need our newcomers. Not only because they remind us where we came from and where we never want to go again, but also because they offer new ideas and fresh perspectives.

The steps are the H.O.W. of our program. The principles are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness (among other good ones.) This step, especially, is how we stay sober.

My higher power is "the kind of love that has no price tag on it," p 106, 12x12. That is everywhere. To me, if I am showing that kind of love that has no expectation either of reward or return, I am doing my God/dess' will. My spiritual awakening had more to do with doing step 11 (which was the step I did fourth) then it did with all the steps. Step twelve was essentially my step five. It also had to do with doing step 11 while I was locked up and sobriety was forced upon me. To me, that just proves that we don't need to earn God's love. It's unconditional. My spiritual awakening took place when I was given a bookmark that said "God is love," in jail. I haven't really gone wrong since I thought about that and agreed with it! Much of the literature, meditations and other people talk about love. My higher power works through other people! I learn from mostly everyone! In my humble opinion long term sobriety will lead us to some kind of spiritual awakening if we really want one even if we haven't done the work of the steps. Not that I'm putting down the steps -- I'm not. The steps are very helpful, and I really think we need them to develop those principles that make even longer term sobriety possible.

Love is alive! This spiritual awakening gave me purpose -- to love others. It's much harder to love people from a distance (like when one is dead!) "He has been set on a path which tells him he is really going somewhere, that life is not a dead end, not something to be endured or mastered," p 107, 12x12. How is it possible to master love? Nobody is a greater lover then anyone else. Love, if we believe in it isn't that hard to endure either. Its the lack of love that hurts so much more then loving itself! If God/dess were really love and love were really alive, God/dess would make sure we moved on when we died, instead of there just being an end to consciousness. We don't like losing people we love... Why would God/dess' (who is love, imho) be any different?

Now love is not obsession, possessiveness, and manipulation. I don't do those things to newcomers. Alanon talks a great deal about detachment. I find it saves my sanity and resources if I don't get too attached to newcomers and/or the outcome of the message. H.O.W. applies to loving, too. Let's not forget the golden rule either: "Do unto others as you'd have done to you." We want people to be honest with us, although we do appreciate tact. Being open minded is very valuable when working with newcomers. We aren't going to create little clones of ourselves. You cannot put a square peg in a round hole! Diversity is a good thing! We want our beliefs respected, and must treat others the same way! We might actually learn something valuable from them, then. A willingness to help newcomers is important too. I'm not perfect, I'm not always willing to cut through all the BS with newcomers, and I'm not always willing to argue with them as seems to happen often with newcomers. However, a lot of the time I am willing. I believe in picking my battles, and saving a life is a good reason to pick the battle for me quite often.

"...by the divine paradox of this kind of giving he has found his own reward, whether his brother has yet received anything or not," p 109, 12x12. I don't know about anyone else, but I teach by learning and learn by teaching. I have received many rewards from working with newcomers including increased patience, better people skills, and gratitude for where I am at. I remain a student of life. Life is a journey not a destination. I think that makes me a better teacher and/or messenger. Another side effect of giving is happiness. I'm happy because I feel well. I'm happy that there is no end to this!

I have a special message for newcomers who are also survivors of abuse! There is no excuse to use -- not even rape or torture. It will not help.... For many of us the core of the matter is either get better or die! It is not fair for other survivors to die because they were attacked. Shame is useless and puts up barriers. There is no real shame in surviving attacks!

"When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence on His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would," p 116, 12x12. I need my Goddess too. I did not trust a masculine image of God after being attacked so much. She was there for me when I could not trust a God. In recovery, it is perfectly OK to have our own concepts of Spirit. In recovery I find that I can believe in Goddess and still have recovery! I can have the fellowship. I find that "these were the new attitudes that finally brought many of us an inner strength and peace that could not be deeply shaken by the shortcomings of others or by any calamity not of our own making," p 116, 12x12. I can vouch for that. We need that kind of faith to work with newcomers. The steps will give us the faith we need to do that. "Two-stepping" will not.

I need my faith, because I seem to be one of the "many AA members who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have a family life," p120, 12x12. I devote my time to this blog, to helping others and to friends. Many men cannot tolerate a woman who loves most other people at least as much as she loves him.... People can be so demanding that their partner only love them.... "Free of marital responsibilities, they can participate in enterprises which would be denied to family men and women," p 120, 12x12. Friendship, for one, is my number one priority. I'm not the kind of person who ditches all friends when I get in a relationship. I have other family members who aren't part of my reality for the most part -- including children who are adopted out and parents who have taken out a no contact order against me. My brothers have judged me unworthy I guess.... They won't, however, have anything to do with recovery -- either AA/NA or Alanon. I think I have been through at least a little bit of everything, and this gives me the ability to relate to so many people. I do have something to offer in service to others in recovery. A lot to offer, and I try to offer it to any takers. I do remember that this is a program of attraction rather then promotion, and I incorporate that tradition into my service.

Talk about turning the tables on my detractors! I did it with God's great help!

Step Twelve tells us it is possible for anyone to do this with just a little work!

Step Eleven

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

This step is also a maintenance step. A higher power is an essential part of staying sober. We will seriously have a hard time staying clean and sober without a relationship with our higher power. Relationships require communication to stay alive.

"Prayer and meditation are our principal means of conscious contact with God," p. 96, 12x12.

I've never really been much of a skeptic when it comes to God/dess like it describes in the beginning of this chapter of the 12x12. I did not object to the use of the word "God." I knew that God cared about us. I just never conceived that God/dess had the power to help me. That would require letting God inside my brain and body and I was not really ready for that until I was deep in my addiction. The whole concept of me not being the only one inside my body was very scary to me.

"Those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do without it then we would refuse air, food, or sunshine," p. 97, 12x12.

My problem with prayer was, I wasn't really doing it right. The step says "...praying ONLY for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." I'm still, to some extent, stuck on that word "only." I often pray for old friends and other ill people. I pray that they find recovery (whatever kind of recovery that may be.) I can't find any fault with doing that, but that's not what this step tells me to do.

Heck, I cling to my God, Goddess and Jesus! Many things happen in this world that upset me. It seems to be a better alternative then clinging to some poor ignorant other person. They don't seem to mind, those divine beings. They let me. The serenity prayer is soooooooooo helpful nowadays. It did not help much when I was suffering the effects of clinical depression. I have some understanding now of why God/dess doesn't effect miracle cures of illnesses. That understanding came from God/dess -- I'm sure of it. It has a lot to do with what people who hate God do to people who have proof there is a God and Goddess. My main issue with God/dess before was because S/He wouldn't fix my ailments! God will make a person feel better and release him or her from obsessions on faith alone. God will not usually fix diseases, however.

I pray every night. I meditate and listen for answers. Answers to my questions usually come in a myriad of ways. God and Goddess have proven themselves to me -- even if nobody else would accept my spiritual experiences as proof or even real. I make sure I connect with my higher power every night before I go to sleep. I tell God about my feelings, about my life, about other people and about my observations. I turn over my stress. I ask for help going to sleep quite often. I often have questions about God, Goddess, the universe and religions. Lately I have been asking God to keep the devil out of my dreams (since most of my nightmares revolve around the devil). It seems to be working.

"...when we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, our emotions, and our intuitions of vitally needed support. AS the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul. We all need the light of God's reality, the nourishment of His strength, and the atmosphere of His grace." p. 97-98, 12x12. My God and Goddess are love. It's common knowledge we all need love. We need to give and receive love! Sometimes I really feel like the only way I get love is from my higher power, but it is enough for me.

"It is hoped that every AA who has a religious connection which emphasizes meditation will return to the practice of that devotion as never before," p. 98, 12x12. Yes, that is me. I was big on meditation before I was an addict and have returned to the practice. It is absolutely essential for me to quiet the mind to reduce stress and stop negative thinking in it's tracks. Meditation, in it's purest form, is communion with the divine and when God and Goddess are allowed into the mind they will help make it a much better place for us to live -- if we want it to be. So many of us are conflicted between mind and heart. Proper meditation means allowing God and Goddess into our hearts too. I'm sure that if we really desire to learn how to meditate, God will show us how to do it and what to ask for. Meditation may not seem very practical to some, but it really is! Quieting the mind is essential to gaining real divine guidance in our lives. We will know ourselves much better too. If we don't seize upon and dwell on stray thoughts too much, we will find it easier to truly hear the divine. We can learn a lot about ourselves too, by observing those same stray thoughts.

Through the practices of prayer and meditation, I find it so much easier to cope with life's ups and downs without using drugs or drinking. I believe it honestly is God/dess' will for me to care! I believe God/dess wants the kind of relationship with me where I can talk to Him and Her about anything. I treat God like I would a good friend -- I try not to have expectations. I don't try to control God and Goddess. I don't give orders. I say please and thank you. I don't have complex plans for my higher power to follow. I have to remember that I'm not the boss. I honestly believe God and Goddess want us to turn over our troubles to Them. They are so much more capable of dealing with troubles then we are! I try to let God pilot this ship. I know God helps me feel better most of the time! So, I've come to the conclusion that God's intentions for us are good cause God helps me feel good about myself and my life! And if I listen to God's guidance I don't get abused or entangled in abusive relationships. I'm sure God does not want us to be martyrs for some bestial abuser type. Basically meditation and prayer give me inner peace. That is priceless.

I think that people new in recovery should give meditation and prayer a chance. It is not scientific to reject things based on whether or not we like the concept! I think newcomers will be pleasantly surprised at the results.

"Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world," p. 105, 12x12.

Step Ten

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

Step ten is a maintenance step. That means it is necessary to maintain sobriety. We have to do this at least once a day to maintain serenity and sobriety. "A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us. We alcoholics have learned this the hard way," p 88, 12x12.

This step was my first dance with the steps. I learned to do this when I first read about the steps -- probably back when I was 19 or 20. Obviously, this step alone won't keep one sober, but it does keep resentments from building and a conscience clean for the most part. I always thought this step was a good idea, because the people around me rarely admitted when they were wrong or did something wrong. I wanted to be different then them! I knew how much it hurt when people would never apologize or back down in an argument when they're wrong -- especially about me! In any case, my point was, I have lots of practice at reviewing the day and assessing what part I had in any situations that came up. I try to be precise in my admissions of wrongs. I try to figure out exactly what I did wrong and apologize or admit to just that.

I often do "spot check inventories" throughout the day, even when I'm in the middle of an argument or situation. I do my best to listen to the other person. I've noticed that people tend not to even listen to the other person in arguments, etc.. Again, I wanted to be different. I don't think there's anything that's too hard to hear! I put it in perspective with how it would feel to experience bad "stuff." It helps me be more compassionate too. Inventories require a lot of listening. They require listening to the voice within, and other's voices as well. It really isn't too difficult to do this step -- at least not for me! It's a lot easier then letting stuff build up and fester within -- that's for sure!

This step also helps build confidence. It teaches us we are not always wrong! It helps us to build on our assets and capitalize on our strengths. "Once this healthy practice has become grooved, it will be so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed," p 89, 12x12. You see, it will help us notice when we handle situations well, too. Balance is a key here -- we don't have to dwell on the negative. Positive thinking is essential to this step. it teaches us to look for solutions and give ourselves some credit. That is the heart of positive thinking. Positive thinking can take us everywhere we want to go!

"It's a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us," p 90, 12x12. The chapter then goes on to extol the detriments of bad feelings. I have to disagree with the 12x12 somewhat in this case. It is not healthy to suppress or run away from bad feelings. Bad feelings do not necessarily have to lead to any kind of escapism. We have to deal with bad feelings. It does not necessarily mean we have done something wrong if we feel bad! This chapter, I think, implies quite strongly that we are doing something wrong if we feel bad.

Ordinary situations and people should not make us feel bad. It is not good to let petty stuff disturb our serenity. A lot of the stuff that goes on is small stuff. The bad feelings that come up as a result of ordinary type disturbances will pass without any effort on our part if we just let them. "Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year," p 91, 12x12. The message here is clearly that we have control over our behavior! We don't have to give voice to our feelings right away or in a harmful way. We can own our feelings and talk about them to a sponsor and/or spiritual adviser.

On the other hand, there is no need to make ourselves feel bad, guilty or shameful because we feel angry, threatened and scared because someone has attacked us or a loved one. The whole tendency to demonize anger in recovery is a little disturbing. There is no need when we are angry, to go on a rampage or lose our temper -- even in life threatening situations. Losing our cool can make a life threatening situation worse -- it can provoke the attacker to attack us more. I really believe it is possible for people in recovery to learn to distinguish justified anger from unjustified anger. The key lies in the saying "You got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything." It does not have to lead to drinking and/or using either. It needs to be talked about.

The chapter then goes on to talk basically about grandiosity. Grandiosity is, indeed a trap. "Big-shot-ism" will not help us to stay sober. It says, "....we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God, and that any success we may be having is far more His success then ours," p 92, 12x12. Humility is necessary for every last one of us recovering people.

"Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance, and see what real love for our fellows actually means," p 92, 12x12

The inventory should include an examination of our motives for doing things too. This chapter goes on to talk about motives. I seriously doubt that peoples motives are 100% pure. There is usually something to be gained by anything we do. Although, self righteousness is not good, even if there is a dose of that in our good deeds, we should still give ourselves credit for doing the good thing! Acting as if we love people will lead to actually loving them; at least, that's what I've found. There is usually love in anything we do for others.

In my humble opinion there is a fine line between taking a daily inventory and contemplating our navel. We don't need to suffer from inertia. It isn't always a bad thing to act. Sometimes it's necessary to do something about a situation, even if it's wrong. The chapter finishes with this statement, "having so considered our day, not omitting to take due note of things well done, and having searched our hearts with neither fear nor favor, we can truly thank God for the blessings we have received and sleep in good conscience."

I do believe that doing this step can keep us walking down the right path, and correct our missteps. Balance is key. I think biting off more then we could chew was our main downfall, and this step can keep us from ever doing that again! We don't want any more guilt then we can handle, and this step keeps it from building up. We learn how to be truly kind through this step.

Step Nine

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

I had a difficult time doing this step. Primarily because most of the people I probably owed an amends to have taken out a no contact order against me. (That would be family, mostly.)

"Most of us begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day we join Alcoholics Anonymous," p. 83 12x12. This to me, was the most important and most direct amends I could make to the living -- including myself. I have children, and although I didn't raise them, they don't need to contact a mother when they are adults who can't take care of herself.... In some ways, giving my two daughters up for adoption spared me from hurting them much. I have no legal responsibility for my kids. I think the best and most direct amends I could make to them is to be a clean, sober and lucid person when and if they do come back into my life.

I owed an amends to my youngest daughter, of whom I had custody for the first four months of her life. I spent most of the time around her baked out of my mind. Even when she was in the state's custody, they would often show up for supervised visits with her and I would be baked then too. I really was not a very good mother, and was suffering severe and untreated psychosis when she was in my custody. I ended up shaking her several times because rape hallucinations would make me so enraged. The hallucinations were worse while she was breastfeeding.

I wrote her a letter, which has not been given to her yet. I apologized for my drug use while pregnant and while she was with me.

I also owed an amends to my old best friend. I used to steal cigarettes from her occasionally. I tried to steal an abusive boyfriend away from her too, but could not handle his abuse. I emailed her and offered to pay for the cigarettes.

I think I probably hurt the people who are looking down from Heaven right now, the most. Who knows what they saw. I wrote letters to my closest loved ones up there. I think that writing heartfelt letters to those who've passed on that we may have hurt is a very good thing to do. I honestly believe the people in Heaven can read those letters and really appreciate them. I feel like I've been forgiven by the loved ones I've lost; I really do. I think we learn more about forgiveness, and become more understanding when we get to Heaven, because God/dess can explain directly to those people.

I have not been fortunate enough to really experience forgiveness from the living. I get a little jealous of those whose amends are met with a warm reception. Mine have not been.

I have been doing my best to make indirect amends to people. I am totally against corporal punishment of children. It has never done any good in my observation. I don't punish children any more -- even when they are in my care -- which has not happened for awhile. There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline, in my book, is much more effective. I am more careful with other's feelings and such then I used to be. I still have indirect amends financially to make which I will do when I have the money to spend on them.

I discussed making amends to predatory men with many other recovering people. I have a tendency to rip off abusive men if they threaten or abuse me. I probably have stolen quite a bit of money and valuables from men like that. It says in the step itself, "...except when to do so would injure them or others." I was told that I qualify as an "other." It was suggested to me that I donate an equivalent amount of what I have stolen from creepy men to a domestic violence shelter.

I don't know if its really possible to finish this step in a short time. It is taking me a long time to make my amends to people. I think I really should stay in recovery, because I do believe that is the most effective and best amends I can make!

Step Eight

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

This step and step nine are really all about forgiveness. If nothing else, we learn how to truly forgive ourselves. We have to acknowledge what we've done, though, before we can find forgiveness, thus the need for a list. "If we are now about to ask forgiveness for ourselves, why shouldn't we start out by forgiving them, one and all?" p. 78 12x12

Forgiving "them" does not mean we have to forget. Sometimes the people we owe an amends to are truly abusive.

"Though in some cases we cannot make restitution at all, and in some cases action ought to be deferred, we should nevertheless make an accurate and really exhaustive survey of our past life as it has affected other people." p. 79 12x12. This is a very important concept. Just a real willingness to make an amends counts and can go a long way, even if amends aren't really possible right now.

Steps eight and nine can really help us find peace with ourselves, if not with others.

I'm still not sure if my list is as thorough as it should be. Most of what I did do to others was retaliatory. Some of what I did had more to do with my mental illness then addiction. I'm really not sure how I could possibly make amends, financially especially, for say things like destroying my old apartment. I guess that willingness is something of a snag for me....

I listed many people on my step eight. A lot of those people have passed on, and I wonder how much they actually saw and/or were hurt by the things I did.

I've spent my entire life following the Wiccan rede (or trying to follow): "Do what you will, so long as you harm none." I've rarely been violent towards others, but there are other forms of harm. I know it's often difficult to determnine if you've harmed someone if they don't tell you. I've ended up apologizing to children in the past for spanking them. And, it was after I decided that corporal punishment did no good whatsoever, that I became addicted.

I find myself wondering if not talking to many older family members is something I owe an amends for. They never reached out to contact me. They never made any efforts at all to stay in touch with me. If I have been noncommunicative in the past with parents and such, it was definitely a two way street. As a matter of fact, I called them a fair bit more then they ever called or wrote me. I find myself if and what do I owe my family? Did I really harm them? They seem to enjoy portraying themselves as victims of my irresponsibility, etc to anyone else who will listen. It's very hard to tell if I really did harm them.

My battles with this step aren't really covered in the 12x12. It doesn't talk much about amends to the deceased, to predatory types, to abusers. Those would be the vast majority of people on my list.....

I'm mostly concerned with what kind of harm I may have caused my baby girl -- my youngest daughter. She bore the brunt of my hysterical anger when I was severely psychotic and addicted.

I listed my old best friend on my list too. I used to steal her cigarettes. I tried to steal her "boyfriend" -- mostly to protect her from him and could not tolerate his abusive attitude enough to succeed at it. I spanked her kids a few times (which I apologized for and never did again). She perceives that I did a lot more harm then I actually did.... She was not upset that I spanked her kids -- I was basically the secondary caretaker of the kids and had her permission to discipline the kids. It's very hard to tell what kind of harm I actually did. I think I may have harmed the kids, though, when I abandoned them -- I was their "Aunt T." I really could not deal with reality anymore, much less two young children. I am willing to make amends, however to her and her kids.... I imagine that is what counts.

I feel blessed that I am predominantly non-violent. I feel like I'd have a lot more on my list if I were! And, I imagine that violence would be harder to make an amends for. I however have destroyed property and done petty theft.... The step workbook I used the first time I did this step says it's important to list the evil deeds alongside the people we did them to.

I also listed people on this step that have no contact orders against me. I honestly believe that listing them is important. It isn't good to keep bad secrets, and let guilt eat you alive. I shared my list with my sponsor. I think that we honestly need someone to look at our list of wrongs and help us figure out if we really did something wrong and help us to prepare to make amends to people. That's what my sponsor did. I probably should consult her about indirect amends for things I did to the predatory types I've ran across in my life. (Usually, if someone attacks me physically or threatens to -- I steal from them!) I've had it suggested to me by others that I could donate the equivalent in value to a domestic violence shelter. I think that happens to be a capital idea.

Step Seven

"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings"

The 12x12 goes on extensively about the humility involved in this step. It talks about how many of us don't even have a passing acquaintance with humility. It talks about how the word itself has a lot of negative connotations.

I don't have a problem with humility -- I'm the most humble person I know!

But seriously, many people do seem to have a problem with it in today's society. Our egos seem to be blown way out of proportion because people have made oh so many technological advancements in the past century. It's not necessarily a good thing either. Many of those same people are miserable. We really don't give God/dess enough credit for teaching us how to do all this stuff! It is definitely not humble to assume we created all this stuff by our lonesome and on our limited intelligence. On some level, we know it isn't true. The truth will set us free.... Until we accept the truth we will be kept in our prison of misery.

It wasn't all done in good faith and with good intentions, either. Child labor was a big part of the industrial revolution.

To be humble is to accept that we are worthy of God/dess' love just as we are -- warts and all. To be humble is to accept that God/dess are above us and it's precisely that unconditional love that places God/dess above each of us. We are all equals. People aren't really above each other.. I've heard it said that alcoholics and addicts are the only people who can lay in the gutter and look down upon others. Humility is thinking of ourselves less and thinking more of others. Humility is an honest appraisal of who we are. Humility and beating oneself up are not the same thing either. Thinking we are pieces of crap who deserve the worst is NOT humility. We are still thinking of ourselves too much when we think this way.

True humility frees us from the unnecessary burden of carrying the world upon our shoulders.

It is often said in AA and NA, "keep your side of the street clean." That is a much smaller burden then the whole world. We cannot make others do anything. A humble person realizes that s/he has just no control over others. True -- if only others would do their part -- the world would be a much better place. But, we can and must do our part. That is all we can truly do to make the world a better place.

True humility starts with the admission of powerlessness and unmanagability. Humility is about facts and it is a fact we have no control over our drinking and/or using once we start. We learn about humility just accepting that fact.

It can be quite a relief to actually find out we can put the world back on God/dess' shoulders. We can even give many of our burdens to Him or Her, too! God/dess will help us if we only ask -- and often S/He will help us even if we don't ask. It's hard to find real peace and happiness without humility. It can be such a relief to say "this is not my responsibility!"

I have a hard time picturing anyone being able to ask God/dess to remove defects without being humble about it. To just do it -- cross this bridge when one comes to it -- is a step in the right direction.

It says in the 12x12, "The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear -- primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded," p 76.

This tells me that the golden rule is good here. How much do we, ourselves, want to meet other people's demands!? If we can accept that others (including God/dess) deserve to be treated with the respect we ourselves deserve, we have definitely become more humble. Obviously humility is not a lack of self respect, but a healthy self respect!

"The seventh step is where we make the change in our attitude which permits us, with humility as our guide, to move out from ourselves toward others and toward God," 12x12 p. 76

That to me means I will only see the love I need if I am humble enough to see it. We all need love. To be humble means we can give and receive love in a healthy way -- and that is a good thing!

Step Six

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

The 12x12 talks at length about the willingness to have our defects removed in this chapter. It also talks about how the vast majority of us aren't entirely willing to have them all removed. We often hang onto just a few of them.

Most of us who have been in recovery for awhile know that, given time, God will remove our defects if we so desire. Two of mine were impatience and a low frustration tolerance. They have miraculously gotten better for me. Oh, yes I did pray for patience. God tends to teach that one the hard way! I lost my connection to many friends and became homeless! This step was my third step! I prayed for patience and release from my low frustration tolerance even before I quit doing drugs.

It says in this chapter to go ahead and seek perfection (even though one will probably never find it.) I don't want to be perfect! That was my main reservation about this step, and apparently, it's quite common. I still have defects that I don't pray about. One of my main issues is the cigarette smoking -- I know I should quit! I know I would be healthier if I did quit! But, I can't seem to muster up the desire to quit. I can't seem to bring myself to ask my higher power to help me with quitting. Oh, when I've had to quit -- God/dess helped me with that -- I know S/He did. Part of me doesn't care if the smoking kills me to be honest.

I'm still discovering, or rather, identifying my defects -- the nature of my wrongs. I guess that's why they say this step is a "lifetime job."

Perhaps part of my problem is a touch of complacency. I am content for the most part with the person I am today.

It talks again in this chapter about the seven deadly sins. It explains why they aren't good to have or do. Many other traits besides those "sins" are not all bad. Sometimes it's hard to decide whether something is an asset, a defect, or a little of both. Something like stubbornness -- which can also be called persistence. Many of my traits have a positive and negative aspect. I tend to compartmentalize them in my mind and pray often to use them to the best possible outcome. I don't believe it is possible and possibly not even desirable to kill or lock away our dark side.... Sometimes we need it for self defense! It would not be good, however to let it rule us, as it tends to do when we are under the influence.

Soon I know I will ask God for help removing my slothful and proud tendencies. I am a great procrastinator. I am proud of my healing I've done -- when it was God who really did it. Perhaps I need to do another inventory on those defects because up until recently I never identified them. I get proud of my creations too -- my writing, art, music etc.

The steps help one with humility. This step in particular really requires it.

I think God/dess is helping me get better all the time regardless of whether or not I ask for His/Her help. I think God/dess helps me realize where I have failed when I am ready to face it. I know I don't have to be perfect to deserve justice (another hang-up of mine) I felt like the closer to perfection I got, the more likely I would be to get justice, and I resented that. I'm still not sure how to go about finding it, but getting better is the best revenge on "those people" who did "stuff" to me.

I have to remember that to live. To live I must recover. To recover I must do the steps. Simple, but not easy!

Step Five

"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

The 12x12 talks about the danger of bad secrets. They can eat us up alive. In my experience the three main causes of drug use/relapse are resentments, guilt and pain (emotional or physical.) Shame can be a killer too. It's important we don't keep secrets about these things. We need to heal to live. This step is the cleaning house step. We have to air out all of these "rooms" in our hearts and minds. We should not keep silence for these killers.

Usually this step involves sitting down with someone discreet that we trust and sharing our fourth step, as well as discussing what's on it. A lot of people choose their sponsor -- but it doesn't absolutely have to be a sponsor. When it is with a sponsor, it can really create a good intimacy -- a key ingredient in good relationships.

When I did this step I was told to pay particular attention to the phrase "the exact nature of our wrongs." That means we should examine the things we have done to find out why we did it. What is the underlying cause of those wrongs. It isn't good enough to just come up with a laundry list of evil deeds. Our deeds are not the defects. The defects are the underlying cause of the evil deeds.

We will find out we are not alone nor are our defects and evil deeds unique! What a relief that can be! Of course we have to find someone discreet we can trust. Preferrably someone who will share their similarities and similar stories. We can't have our evil deeds advertised to just any passerby -- especially if we've already been forgiven for them! We probably don't want to go to jail or be reported to the police.

I did this step within a month after doing my fourth step. I didn't really trust anyone in the institution where I did my treatment. I was afraid if I opened up to anyone who worked there, they'd report me and/or raise my meds or something else. My peers in treatment all had significantly less clean time then me, so I did not see any of them as an option. It was in between doing step four and five that I found my sponsor. She is a slim, feisty older woman, and I was pretty sure I could trust her discretion. She had significant clean time, is an addict as well as an alcoholic, and knew the steps. Still, I was a little bit anxious. I wasn't sure what would happen when I did my fifth step with her.... But I am not timid, so I did it anyway, and everything turned out fine. She seemed very understanding! My sponsor understands me mostly, and that is very valuable and good.

I guess that's when I realized I wasn't all that unique.

It says in the 12x12, "But, scarcely any step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind then this one." p. 55

I had a few things I really wanted to hide. Some of it was shame, guilt and pain over things I'd had done to me. This step really helped me sort out what was and wasn't my fault. To the best of my knowledge I didn't hold back on this step or skimp.... I can't really say I've experienced what it talks about in the 12x12 when people hold back on this step. But, by the time I did the step I really wanted my recovery and was willing to try just about anything. I can see the value of confessing to stuff now. It doesn't become acidic secrets then. I'm just not Catholic and can't see confessing to someone who puts themselves above me -- believes they are more righteous and doesn't share their own stuff with me. That's not intimacy to me.

That is another thing, we must be honest to have good relationships. I really wanted, after all the troublesome and bad relationships to have a good relationship or several. I've always believed communication is essential, and have also been frightened of intimacy to some extent.....

"Step Five was the answer. It was the beginning of true kinship with man and God." 12x12 pg. 57

We really aren't alone, and I am discovering more about myself all the time. This step helped me to stop making mountains of mole hills. It helped me to realize that God/dess forgave me, especially when I spilled my guts. It helped me realize I have God's Grace. It helped me to open up to strangers in the program too. I am no longer afraid to talk about my problems. I don't really have anything to hide and that is very freeing. I still exercise discretion, but most of what I did to others wasn't that bad. I can use that to help others.....

I am building good friendships with others. I have honesty, openmindedness and willingness in my relationships with others. Funny how things really seemed to improve that don't seem related to this step at all. I believe it changed my perceptions. I have escaped abusive relationships just for today, and I'm not perpetrating abuse on anyone else -- after all I don't really want to add new stuff to my inventory that is bad and have to confess it. I enjoy the freedom this step has given me.

Step Four

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

The 12x12 talks about how the vast majority of defects are instincts gone astray. We have instincts for survival, for emotional and material security and for sex according to the 12x12. When those things are threatened -- it can cause fears (or anxieties.) I prefer to call them needs since true instincts are reactions to stimulus that can't be helped and I was taught that only animals have true instincts. Anxiety, which is like fear, has nothing to do with real life or death situations. Anxieties and other defects are a problem that comes in when we avoid straightforward ways to get what we need. We often try to manipulate people, places and things into giving us what we need.

Facing oneself is a common theme in many myths and stories for the hero of whatever quest he or she is on. How can we face the Truth, if we are blind to ourselves. It wouldn't be truth then. The truth is we all have a higher power, but we will not develop the faith that our higher power truly cares for our whole selves until we acknowledge for ourselves what is really there. "We have drunk to drown feelings of fear, frustration and depression...." 12x12, p 44. We must face these things in ourselves in order to move forward.

God cannot work through us if we do not face ourselves. We all need to discover that we are loved, and, yes, often even forgiven for the things we have done. We need to know what is there.

Our brains cannot hold all the information about ourselves all at once. It is somewhat necessary to write out this step, lest we forget what needs "repairing."

It was a long time in recovery for me before I found out I really need to write out my inventory. This gave me the time to figure out why I needed to write it out, too. It wasn't until I was in recovery over four and a half years that I did this step. I, like most people I know, put it off. I had several excuses for doing so. "I know myself already very well." "I don't trust anyone here in treatment well enough." "I don't know how to do an inventory." "I don't know where to start." Even, "It's too much work!" I was still recovering, no doubt, in spite of not doing an inventory, because I stopped obsessing over marijuana anyway. My excuses were all versions of, "Pride says, 'You need not pass this way.'" 12x12 pg. 49

I was above such remedial work I thought!

This statement was me during my using days -- "As we morbidly pursue this melancholy activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution." pg. 45 Oblivion and/or being wasted past the point of any coherent thought seemed attractive often when I was using. I just didn't want to feel any more pain or think anymore about the scary stuff that had happened to me and loved ones. It also says, "Here, of course, we have lost all perspective, and therefore all genuine humility. For this is pride in reverse." pg 45. I was certainly the depressive type they were talking about in that paragraph. And I was somewhat proud of surviving all the crap I survived.

I have good news, however; pride is curable!

It says in the 12x12 that most defects are the same as the seven deadly sins.

I did my fourth step just before I acquired a sponsor. It wasn't a laundry list. I tried to use complete sentences. I don't think there is any "set in stone" way of doing the fourth step. Looking back its hard to see exactly why I put it off for so long. It was simple and there really weren't any surprises. It did make me feel better about myself -- it gave me a solid idea of what my assets are and subsequently what I could use them for! Feeling better was the surprise in this exercise. I think I was relieved mostly because it didn't go on and on and on. There was a limit to my "sins."

I try to be realistic and I applied that to my fourth step. I refused to take the blame in my inventory for things that weren't my fault.

"As we persist, a brand new kind of confidence is born, and the sense of relief at finally facing ourselves is indescribable." 12x12 p. 50

The 12x12 talks about how recovery is more then sobriety. Recovery is about finding good health. Many of my own defects led me to addiction -- I was too proud to go see a doctor, for example. I thought I had all I needed to survive within me, thank you very much! We really, however, can't stay sober if we are sick in our souls. The expression "sick and tired" is a very apt expression. We often fall into addiction when we are sick and tired -- when we are sick of ourselves and maybe too lazy to look at why.

But, see, I know myself much better now and can watch for my downfalls within myself. I KNOW what I have. And that is truly a relief. It helps me figure out what I need from God and/or others. Step four has helped me find more tolerance for others, too!

Step Three

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

Step three is where my recovery from a lot of things started.

I did the steps basically out of order. I picked step ten out of the list of steps when I'd first checked them out as a teen. It sounded good to me to keep checking one's behavior and making amends for things done wrong.

When I did step three I was alone in my apartment in Bellingham. I had been smoking marijuana for about three years at that time. I was very scared when I did it. I didn't really do the step because I wanted to quit drugs.... I did it because I was afraid of the devil. At the time I thought the devil was trying to steal my soul or my body and do awful things with it to others. I thought, too, the devil was trying to tempt me to do evil things to my baby girl. I was having rape hallucinations that were worse at night and when the baby would breastfeed. I thought these hallucinations were demons raping me. It never occurred to me that they were just hallucinations -- after all it felt like something was actually touching my body. I said I turn over my mind, body, heart, soul and will to God.

Funny, but when all the chaos started at the coffee shop I was volunteering at -- where I started smoking pot and hallucinating -- fellow smokers who volunteered there were talking about merging their wills with Spirit's will.

I've had many concepts of God throughout my life. At that time I saw God like a stone giant who had long flowing white hair and beard. I'd also seen God as a Goddess. My Higher Power for a long time was just the Universe. I kept coming back to the concept of God as a nebulous, genderless entity that really had no shape but was everwhere. I called this entity Spirit, because that was the popular name for God in my circle of "friends" at the time. But, even the Bibble says there is more then one entity that makes up "God" (The Father, the Son, and the Holy (or Great) Spirit.) I just happened to, and still do believe there is a Goddess in the equation.

I just knew I didn't want anything to do with the devil. You see -- I'd been raped several times as a little girl and I just knew the devil orchestrated that. Although I didn't really trust or even like God too much at that point, I turned my whole self over to Him/Her. I wasn't sure, at the time, what people meant when they talked about God's love, and I did not feel that Jesus did love me. However, that was a better option then giving in to the devil. I wanted make sure that I, with my will, didn't violate my values and hurt someone -- and, well, God had never attacked me.....

Things did change after that. I had several things to recover from. I really belonged in alanon before I became addicted. I was very codependent on my "best friend" at the time. I'm sure God's will for me at that time was to get healthy. S/He just wasn't going to be the one to perform that big of a miracle and hela me. I had three stalkers too, and the police were convinced I was just crazy. One of them was a violent ex boyfriend. My daughter's father was exhibiting stalking behavior. The third one was a drug connection that had been accused of being a child molester. I was in a very dangerous situation in addition to being paranoid, and I was basically chased out of my apartment and that town. Another drug connection was starting to scare me too. I ended up taking off with my daughter in the middle of the night and hitchhiking with her out of town.

I think God helped chase me out of that town, too. I remember that the bushes around my apartment started to resemble monsters and they stayed that way for weeks. The shadows of tree branches on the wall looked like monsters too. Nightly I'd hear noises outside the windows. I kept hearing scratching on the outer walls and other things. Seeing Jesus' face in the wood grain of my cupboards and in the tree branches outside was a bit scary too. I was also hearing voices....

I think God's will for me at that time was for me to get away from that town and out of danger.

I got picked up in Montana with my baby. They took her away from me. After a suicide attempt sparked by a painful hallucination that my soul was being eaten by some dark amorphous entity combined with the certaintly I'd never get my daughter back, I was locked up in a mental health ward. They finally diagnosed me with psychosis NOS. I was still not seeing that it was God's will for me to get better. I did not like any of the medications they gave me, and had not told anyone about my depression or sought treatment for that.

After I gave her up for adoption because of seemingly impossible odds combined with some unfair treatment, I lost my place to live.

I'm sure now that God really wanted me to get away from the addicts I was associating with. At that time, I was still sure that pot came from God and it was perfectly okay to smoke it! But, I no longer trusted my connections especially since they either didn't care about or seemed threats to my daughter.

I ended up wandering around the U.S.A.. I learned from all this that God won't take our free will away from us no matter what. But, I also learned that God wants to be in our hearts. While on the road, I felt Jesus trying to get into my heart. I saw powerful imagery to that effect in my head too that would not go away. I decided that was alright with me, and let Him in. It was a very strong experience. I ended up talking a lot to Him after that. I began to understand that God did love me and began to feel it shortly thereafter. My self esteem began to improve even while I was doing drugs.

I was forced to quit the drugs. I was locked up, pretty much until I had made peace with my medications, go through treatment and was actually on the right medications. I began to realize things. I realized that God (or the Spirit) was love and that God did love me. I realized that God wants us to be healthy and free. I also realized that God wants us to find real happiness.

It says in the 12x12 that dependence upon our higher power makes us more independent. I can testify to that! It frees us from dependence upon others. God provides much of what we need and it frees us from manipulation -- both our own and other people's.

When I did this step again (in order this time) it was much easier then the first time. It was very scary the first time. I no longer felt insane or codependent on anyone, and I am a fairly happy individual. Within reason, I've found that God wants me to be comfortable too. What a pleasant surprise that is!

Step Two

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

There was way too much insanity in my life when I was using drugs and stuff.... I had no faith whatsoever that my Goddess would remove it from me!

The 12x12 says there are three types of addicts: those who won't believe in God, those who can't and those who do believe in God but don't have the kind of faith it takes. I was the third kind of addict.

Some people don't believe that clinical depression is a form of insanity. I believe it is. It makes no sense, and has little basis in reality. Oh sure, when I was going through it, my mind was convinced there had to be some reason for it. I latched onto whatever bad episodes had occurred in my life and blamed it on those. I've been through sexual, physical, psychological and emotional abuse in addition to losing my mother at the tender age of three. Surely that was enough to have caused depression. The thing is, those incidents shouldn't have caused 20+ years of suicidal ideation. I really believe those incidents caused my PTSD -- of which I have most symptoms.

My insanity was what led me to use drugs. I tried everything before drugs I could think of (except doctors and medication) to get rid of it. I studied all kinds of occult, prayed to many different deities, studied Buddhism in depth and sought enlightenment. I even tried atheism at various periods during my life. I did all kinds of religious rituals. I stuck with the ones that seemed to work, and discarded the ones that didn't. But nothing relieved the insanity. My poor self esteem (which goes hand in hand with depression most of the time) led me to stay in abusive relationships much longer then I should have. Those abusive "relationships," of course, only made things worse.... I'm a little bit stoic at times, feisty and not the type to hole up and pull covers over my head. I didn't try suicide till I was in my late twenties. Life was a constant battle between me, myself and I -- digging for reasons to stay alive. My mother's death probably kept me from trying suicide for many many years. I didn't want to do that to my oldest daughter.... I would get up and get out of the house at least once a day. I didn't want to complain about something as unacceptable in my family as simple feelings. Quite simply I hid the way I was really feeling quite often.

I figured if God was real, She or He would take my depression away just because I prayed that S/He would.

Things got much worse when I started using drugs. It was around the time I started smoking marijuana all the time that I really developed serious psychosis.... I went off my meds quite often and finally stayed off them for the entire three years I was homeless. I had a lot of practice at pretending everything was okay. I had many people that did not spend a lot of time around me snowed that everything was okay and I was totally sane. I kind of have an ear for what people want to hear anyway.

The meds didn't help with the depression (which I still wasn't communicating about) and I was sure they wouldn't help with the rape hallucinations (which scared the crap out of me.)

It says in the 12x12 "obviously, the dilemma of the wanderer from faith is that of profound confusion..... He is the bewildered one." I was very confused. I still am, to some degree. I'm still not sure why God/dess doesn't want to take my schizophrenia away and if S/He can't -- why not? I mean, I tried faith in all sorts of forms to relieve it. I had to accept that God/dess works through doctors and probably helped the doctors and scientists develop the medications I take that work so well. I had to accept that faith in God involves listening to and communicating with others what is really going on.

My Higher Power is love. I've always known love is powerful. It can heal wounds. I just don't know if it can heal brains....

The reason my higher power is love is because when I was in jail, I got a bookmark that said God is Love.

Many things that had happened in the past convinced me that this is true. It seems like the Godless types in my family and in my life were lacking in spirituality too. I've been in several situations where I could just feel "the love in the room," and I wasn't alone in that. It always made me feel better. The fact that it was "in the room" and others could feel it helped convince me. It helped make sense out of the fact that people tend to fall in love with each other instead of people just falling in unrequitted love all the time. I always knew that God was everywhere, and love is everywhere too. Animals feel love. I liked the idea of love making the world go around. This concept freed me from believing or feeling obligated to believe everything people say and have said about God. It helped me to sort out the truth from the lies. I know God isn't capable of anything but loving behavior and it gave me peace and reassurance that there is such a thing as divine forgiveness, grace and tolerance..... God loves us and wants us to love ourselves as well as others.

It was God who relieved me of addiction. God and Goddess put me in a place where I could get treated for all my insanity instead of sending me to prison (for the crime I committed.) I guess love has to flow between people too, for it to work it's miracles..... So, love did restore me to sanity -- although it certainly wasn't what I pictured at all.

It's okay to be disgusted with religion in AA and NA. I get disgusted with dogma a lot. I know that love touches all people (although many people don't want anything to do with it, after all). This concept convinces me that God doesn't turn his back on anyone. That whatever religion or culture people belong to doesn't really matter, because unless someone is truly evil, they will be brought to a better place when they die.... Love is AWESOME.

Step One

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable"

The 12 x 12 talks about this step as being one where we admit defeat. Defeat implies that we've been battling something and lost.

What a battle being addicted really is....We constantly fight with ourselves mostly, and often with others. We definitely battle (in our heads at least) with the drink or the drug. We often want to quit while we're still ahead. We usually want to quit when we are humiliated or shamed. We definitely want to quit when it is no longer fun. The battle usually begins when we wanna "come down" and can't. The battle begins when we're sick and tired of being sick and tired. Often the battle involves tussling with the police, other people, and sometimes predators. And the more inebriated we are the less sense it, or we, make. "It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such and obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us." says the 12x12 on step one. Alcohol and substances aren't alive -- they don't tire of kicking our behinds. Often the only thing to do is crawl away on our knees from such things. The 12x12 talks about how humiliating this can be. It is like being stripped naked in front of God/dess and sometimes it does mean being stripped naked. We have to admit to ourselves we are beaten in this battle before we can crawl away from it.

I was so used to fighting with myself and my pain, anger, resentments and bizarre thinking that when I became addicted, I didn't notice any difference for quite some time. I was quite the veteran of a thousand little psychic wars. My relationships and finances were unmanageable for quite some time before I became addicted. It was noticable, however, when life did the impossible and became even more unmanageable. I did blame all the unmanageability on the marijuana.... but I was convinced I was still smoking it all the time because I wanted to. I was totally out of it when I lost my apartment and so unable to function I couldn't even think about moving out much less doing it! I was unable to find a new place, etc. I ended up homeless for three years after that.

I was battling drug and alcohol abuse for quite some time before I even picked up anything. Other people in my immediate family and circle of friends were (and most still are) addicts and alcoholics. I got so fed up with addiction I thought I'd show them all! I started smoking marijuana..... (all the time) It relieved my depression for about an hour, made me feel sparkly and bubbly, and gave me an instant circle of "friends." It cost me the "friends" to snobby to smoke it cause they were doing "cooler" drugs and stuff, but I didn't mind too much. I was sick of "those people" anyway! I felt defeated.... I just didn't admit it.

Unmanageability was easy for me to admit. It was easy to see. My life fit every definition of unmanageability there is....

I was forced to quit.

I ended up in treatment after 3 1/2 years of being locked up (for trying to drag other addicts down with me....) I argued with them that I wasn't an addict. I was "just" self medicating is all. I argued with the recommendation that I stop drinking as well as drugging in my head a lot. Could always control the alcohol use was my argument.... why would anything change? When I started treatment I fully intended to go back to my self medication. Something changed though during the treatment. I started thinking that maybe using marijuana wasn't helpful at all. They had just switched my meds for my mental illnesses and they worked wonderfully.... My head started to work well. My personality returned. I did not do the steps in treatment but I did go to several meetings and AODA classes and did lots and lots of listening. I praised myself and felt very grateful I had never touched cocaine.

Powerlessness was an entirely different story when it came to me admitting it. I, however, had the dubious "luxury" of being locked up for the first four and a half years of my recovery. It says in the 12x12 that we need to admit this defeat before we can have quality recovery. I did not admit that I was an addict until I had been recovering for five years. I thought, while in treatment, that I could get away with drinking when I got out. Certainly I could sneak around and have a one two or a few and not get caught. I didn't think the rule that addicts need to give up alcohol too applied to me. I thought I would do that for sure when I was released.

It must have been my higher power that kept me sober though -- because I never did.

What made it occur to me that I had been powerless over the marijuana was the things I did. I smoked in front of small children. I smoked and then drove around (without a license -- mind you). Never got caught driving under the influence -- or without the license. I don't know if that was really all that "fortunate." What was fortunate was that I never got in any accidents either.....

I'm pretty sure that if I did drink my inhibitions against using would disappear just as I'm told they would. I have no tolerance to alcohol. I get drunk easily and throw up, without fail, after three drinks. Drinking never was much fun for me.... Marijuana, however, I have a very high tolerance to, and drinking did make me want to smoke it in the past....

The changes that occurred after this admission on my part were subtle and definite. I didn't feel quite so alienated. I clung to the third tradition which states that to be a member of AA one only has to have the desire to quit drinking. I don't think it really matters that I'm not officially an alcoholic. I can't handle the kind of predatory male types that NA seems to attract. There is safety in numbers and there are more people in AA and a lot of them seem more innocent to me. After all, most of the men who preyed on me before I became an addict were addicts and/or dealers. I do desire to quit drinking. I don't like it for one, and I don't want to go back to drugs under any circumstance. That just convinces me more that I was, indeed, powerless.

I had to tell myself when I first did step one -- I am powerless over the effects of the drug. I did that so I could move on in the steps. Whatever keeps me (or anyone) in recovery and works for them, is probably correct.... If I hadn't done it that way I never would have moved on I'm sure.....

"What Can I Do?"

"The first step to recovery is to stop using. We cannot expect the Program to work for us if our minds and bodies are still clouded by drugs."

Basic Text, chapter 5, p.52

I think a better question is "what can I do today?" Today I can avoid bars and drinking. I can avoid using people altogether. This is a one day at a time program. It isn't just staying clean and sober to me; it is recovering from all the drugs I did -- one day at a time..... I can do all the things necessary for me to take care of myself. I can get up in the morning, brush my teeth, shower, make the bed and breakfast. I can keep things relatively peaceful in my environment so stress doesn't cause me to be tempted to use. I can respond in such a way as to try to keep the peace. I can avoid being at fault in conflicts, and such. I can listen to old timers for guidance, and newcomers to remind me where I have come from. I can prevent H.A.L.T. (Hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and stay relatively healthy.

Today, I could go to a meeting. NA or AA -- it really doesn't matter -- whatever is available when I need one. Some AA groups mind if my problem was drugs, others don't. The third tradition says all that is required for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I do desire to stop drinking. Drinking would only lead me back to drugging, if not right away, then eventually. I would stop taking the medication that I need too and start doing the drugs I don't. It would not help my clinical depression at all.... I have nothing to fear from meetings or recovery. God and Goddess will take care of me, and while I am recovering, I will let Them.

"Just for today, I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear."

Today, I can call someone in the program. I can befriend someone new. I can call someone who has already become a true friend. Someone who won't try to pressure me into using something, or drive me crazy. I can call someone who understands my conflicts today. I can call someone who understands my spirituality and/or spiritual crises. I can talk to someone about anything I want to talk about. I can sign onto stepchat.com and talk to other recovering addicts/alcoholics, and/or recovering friends.

I can, today, practice following rule 62. You know, they say that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy! I can find the humor in life and laugh. I can laugh at myself if I am being silly or absurd or even laugh at myself when I am taking things too seriously or personally. I can use my "loony sense of humor" and make jokes out of just about anything. I prefer not to hang out with the humor impaired, because I just love laughing.... I can apply humor to past escapades. I can apply humor to the news. I can find humor whenever I need to..... I can even ease a tense moment with a smart comment or joke. Humor is wonderful, today I can laugh, and it isn't chemically enhanced!

I can do my maintaining recovery steps 10 - 12. I can keep a watchful eye on myself and make sure I don't do anything wrong and/or own up to it if I do. I can track my progress and see how far I have come. I can keep up with my defects and try to improve on them with my higher power's help. Today I don't have to sit on guilt, or stew on stuff, or suffer self esteem problems. I can do something about my problem -- me!

I can maintain my conscious contact with my higher power. Mine is love, and I think it's a good higher power for me, because it is easy to find.... I can practice my faith -- which is a nice comfortable melting pot of religious teachings for me. I can throw out the stuff that Love doesn't do because I don't believe that love did some of the stuff that God is accused of. I can worship my Goddess (of love) -- I don't have to go to church and reject Goddess. I don't have to hang around close minded pagans that reject Jesus, or whatever.... I can have a comfortable relationship with my higher power, because the only people that have to approve of the relationship are me and my higher power. I have the freedom to love others, even if they reject me. Love does not have to be expressed openly to be real, or pleasant -- although it is very good when there is a free flow of love between people.... I believe my higher power wants me to be loving, and as long as I am, then I am doing the Spirit's will.....

I can talk to newcomers and carry the message. It helps me even if it isn't received well or in the spirit intended. I can feel good about doing that. I can feel good today, period. There is no "crash" from genuine good feelings -- although sometimes there is a gradual let down or periodic bursts of irritablity that interrupt my serenity. I can feel good about actually helping people that want my help.

Today I can be a good listener and not fear being swayed, because I don't have to be swayed by someone elses negativity or whatever. I can have a meaningful conversation with someone, without the forgetfullness that goes hand in hand with a "high." I can let someone else share their experience strength and hope. I can even share my own. I can learn and love learning today! I can live in the moment. I can enjoy all their is to enjoy in this moment. I can just be and be okay with that.

I can say the serenity prayer whenever I feel disturbed or have a problem today. I can say it whenever I want or need to! God/dess helps me get back to feeling serene which beats being "high" any day. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference! I can accept life on life's terms. I can find peace today, and stop fighting. I know I will be alright! Even if I am feeling down because someone died, or frustrated because so many of those I know are still using/drinking. It doesn't have to bring me to the lows that I experienced before I found recovery.

Today I can be grateful -- and that is sincere. I am here, and I am very happy I am recovering and healing, Thank you God and Goddess. I can't do one thing though, I can't do it alone! Love you all!