Edging God Out

"Our traditions are key elements in the ego deflation process necessary to achieve and maintain sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous. The first tradition reminds me not to take credit, or authority, for my recovery."

Today's Daily Reflection entry

The ego, according to Freud, is our sense of self. In Buddhism, that sense of self is an "intellectual construct." I believe in recovery, ego means a lack of humility. To have an ego, in many of the circles I've been in, means that one thinks of oneself as more important then others. It is edging God out. I believe ego and identity are two different things. One's identity is more closely related to the soul -- the true self. One's ego is closely related to what we think others think of us, and it is often inflated, or grandiose in addicts and alcoholics. But, I don't want to entirely throw out Freud's definition -- perhaps it is better to say that it is not a good thing to have an inflated ego.

Step four and step ten, should, over time, cure us of ego problems. We are all a mix of bad and good and therefore we are not better then the majority of humanity. We are not "above" any one, no matter how long we have been sober, etc. We do not have a better recovery then anyone else who is also recovering.

"Placing our common welfare first reminds me not to become a healer in this program. I am still one of the patients. Self effacing elders built the ward," todays Daily Reflections.

To edge God out, means to forget about God. It means to forget the divinity of others in the program. (We all have a spirit!) It can mean we are either to busy obsessing about people, places, things, drugs.... It can mean we are thinking entirely too much about how great we are. The entry in Daily Reflections says we need to put the common welfare of the group first. We need to think about the group. We need to give and receive from the group. We need each other to stay sober. We have to accept that we may not be able to be the one who offers the healing words to a newcomer, or even any helpful words at all. If one's ego is small and secure, the rejection will just roll off the back!

"The active role in renewed surrender of will enables me to step aside from the need to dominate, the desire for recognition, both of which played so great a part in my active alcoholism," today's Daily Reflection. We need to always remember that God is running the show, not us.

I'm not sure exactly what letting go of the desire for recognition means.... In today's Each Day A New Beginning it says "The inner urging to move ahead, to try a new approach to an old problem, to go after a new job, to learn a new skill, is evidence of God's eternal Spirit within." The whole entry talks about the necessity of self expression, and how divine it is!

You see, my expression is through writing and the arts. I write about all kinds of stuff, not just recovery. I love doing artwork. I do want to be recognized for my poetry and art! I would love to sell my work. That would put food on the table! I need to write -- it helps me organize my thoughts. It helps me talk about stuff better. It gives me concise concepts and a precision of speech I like. I honestly believe that my writing (which I've been doing regularly since I learned how to write haiku in elementary school) is a God given gift that I am supposed to share with others. I think I need to seek the balance there. I think I need to be careful to let go of expectations. It also says "To be human is to have a constant desire to be more than we are."

I feel as if though I am torn between these two readings.... Perhaps what I should be getting out of both readings is that there are no accurate blanket statements. It's okay to be me, and I think it's okay to desire to have my writings read! But I need to be careful not to see my recovery as being a better quality then others who are also recovering.

To me, it is better to have a small, strong and secure ego. That means that ego and identity are the same. It means we have an accurate picture of ourselves, are humble and are aware of our place in the world. Big egos are like balloons, so easy to deflate with just a little pin prick. It isn't fair to edge God out, because God is a better, very loving, person. We need God and others to continue recovering. We probably have a problem if our ego is in the way, and we are edging God out....

Progress Not Perfection

"The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather then spiritual perfection."

A.A. Big Book, Chapter 5, pg. 60

Ah, perfectionism, I think it plagues all addicts -- whether they are addicted to drugs or alcohol (or both!) Perfectionists can turn out some very good works, but I think this trait tends to be more of a character defect then something else. I think it is important we learn to relax! A person cannot turn a river, God has to do that...

A tree takes a long time to become a tree. Trees aren't too concerned with perfection, but they are nonetheless beautiful, no matter how big or small they are. People have this in common with trees. Our souls are beautiful. Our youth is beautiful. Life is beautiful. Trees don't have to have their limbs in exactly some obscure position to still be recognized as a tree. Perfection isn't necessary.

"Progress not perfection," reminds us gently to take a look at how far we have come from where we were. It tells us that forgiving ourselves for not being perfect is essential. Do we really want to get to the very end of our spiritual journey right away? That's silly. That tree takes years to grow and become a full grown tree. Inside the trunk is the story of it's life in it's rings. The rings tell the story of climate and what other things happened to that tree and to some degree, the world around it. We will be affected by the weather, so to speak. There isn't always a perfect response. It usually takes a chorus of voices to help a newcomer find recovery. Sometimes getting fed up with a newcomer's B.S. and walking away sends a more powerful message to that person then anything we could say.

Like a tree, too, people prune branches. We have to let them. Sometimes we impede other people's progress with our defects and have to do something about them. When a tree's branches are pruned, it still, yes, looks like a tree. No two trees are exactly alike.

Perfection is such a hard thing to find. Sometimes it really isn't attainable at all. It isn't necessary.

I know I don't want to be anyone's perfect woman! What kind of peace could I find if I was? I am fond of saying "I am perfectly me!"

I apply the concept of "progress not perfection" to the things I create too. I apply it to life. Sometimes my temper snaps. Sometimes that is okay and I rarely do any serious damage with it. I'm a firm believer in doing as little real harm as I can to myself and others. I figure I'm probably doing alright if I follow that path. I let myself finish with the things I write and draw. I can always do another project along similar lines if it isn't "perfect" enough. I figure that what I have to say is important enough that I need to finish it sooner or later and put it out there!

It took me years to realize that how unattainable, and probably undesirable, perfection is.

Sure, I still have some defects. I've asked for them to be removed. Maybe there's some that I haven't identified yet. It's all in God's time, not mine. I think it's a good thing that progress is stressed over perfection in the big book and at each meeting. There seems to be this concept of the perfect human being that is prevalent in the Big Book and Basic Text, and in our media and numerous other places. Not being perfect allows me to be who I am, and therefore, I allow others to be who they are. It also keeps me from taking criticism too much to heart or personally. In a choir one doesn't really have to sing perfectly in order for there to be good harmony. Life is much like harmony most of the time, and perfection is unnecessary. I don't wanna be the one everyone leans on, anyway....

It IS my life, and I have to live it. I have to live it so I can live with myself. I try to be the person God/dess wanted me to be as well as the kind of person I like and respect. I guess that is what's important after all. To me, progress is getting closer to being a loving caring person to most everyone. There really is no way for a person to be perfectly loving.... If there were, maybe God would be out of a job! But, we simply don't have enough information in any given situation to respond perfectly, and it's alright.

Spiritual Growth

If I were to list the three most important things to me they would be: friendships, spirituality, and my kids. I tend to be a little bit competitive and the US constitution tells me that all people are created equal. I wanted to be Buddha's equal. I wanted to be as enlightened as him most of my life.

Of course, I had hurdles to overcome. I have clinical depression. I have been seriously sexually abused. And, later in life I had addiction issues to battle.

I rejected Mother Teresa's path because she seemed to be anti-money (which is fine for her) but I don't want to be served and fed by others, really. I don't see the problem with having money to buy food or pay bills or have a place of my own. I tend to agree with the statement, however, "the love of money is the root of all evil." I also don't want to be a nun, because I rejected most of the Old Testament, and a good portion of the New Testament as well. I really believe that if one is too literal about the Bibble that it will interfere with real spiritual growth! I do agree with helping others with no thought of reward, but I wouldn't reject payment for services, either..... Plus, I like being half dressed in the summer, which is totally unacceptable when one is a nun!

My spiritual growth came to a grinding halt when I became addicted. My writing got very lame, and maudlin. You see, I let some people I was working with corrupt me. I volunteered at a coffee shop. I really wanted to learn how to be a barista (because I love coffee shops) and how to pour espresso. When I started there, I knew a few things about the Spirit and spirituality. I was very frustrated though, because at the time my depression was untreated. My spiritual joys were fleeting and short lived. I guess I expected God to just take it away. I met a musician there who told everyone in one of his songs that we were all angels. I think about that from time to time. I didn't really believe him, but I do believe we become angels when we die. (After some thought about that I began to see that anyone can act like an angel right here on Earth, and become angelic.) This man was a stoner.... a Rastafarian. He'd also had a near death experience once in his life. So because this "enlightened soul" smoked pot, and my depression would not go away, I began smoking pot all the time at this coffee shop. It was the only way we ever got paid for the work we did there....

It's a little bit funny how in my addiction I threw away those three things that are so important to me. Well, maybe "threw them away" is strong language -- I let them go. I let those things slide away. God would not "fix me." I had my mental illness and my depression and the pot didn't help with those (although I refused to admit this for a long time.) So I rejected God, but God insisted on being there in the background. Quite frankly while I was addicted, I just didn't care that those things were slipping away.

The idea of being an angel has stuck with me. It made me think about what angels are like. Angels are kind, so I strive to be kind. Angels are easy going without being doormats, so I strive for that ideal. Angels are givers. I try to be generous. I think true spiritual growth comes from step 11 and becoming the kind of person we like. Its easier to love oneself then it is to like oneself I think. Loving oneself is difficult for many, and I don't believe we can really grow spiritually without love for others and ourselves. Today I am that easy going person with a dash of penache that I like so much. I am not afraid to love. I know its the lack of love that hurts much worse then anything love can do to me.

I've also accepted that God won't fix all illnesses, I think the reason for this is that we have to accept that life on Earth is transitory and that when we get up to Heaven, we won't ever be ill again. God is not our slave.... I also think that the reason God doesn't "fix us" whenever something is wrong is that broken parts and illnesses are no excuse for being an evil creep. A lot of evil creeps think it is. I really believe that this world is where the creeps get weeded out, because there are no creeps in Heaven....

All this time, too, it never really occurred to me to ask/pray for healing from God. It took me a long time to really accept that there was a God. I used to pray to the Universe.....

I guess faith is essential to truly growing spiritually too.

I know that drugs don't bring one closer to God/dess and the Spirit now. Those "shamans" that use them, probably aren't really very caring about others. The whole idea of using mind altering substances to get closer to God came from that philosophy for me. But, now I KNOW, and I don't really regret having tried, because I no longer have to use to have my spirituality.

Even angels keep growing spiritually. I know that spiritual growth is a never ending journey. I don't think it even ends when we die. I know I can take it at my own pace, and there's no rush, because there really is no destination. So I might as well enjoy the "scenery," and appreciating the little things/miracles is a big part of my serenity, and spirituality.

An Open Book

Being open and honest is an ideal. It doesn't come easy to all of us. I'm not the most open person in the world. Being talkative is not the easiest thing for me to do. I like being certain of myself before I open myself up to criticism or even praise. I live a very private life, but some balance is good....

I've strived to be honest all my life, although I haven't always been successful at it. If I feel cornered, sometimes I lie to protect myself....

Honesty, open-mindedness and willingness is the H.O.W. of this program. I'm not sure that being open and open mindedness are the same thing. I don't sit on issues usually or stew -- I write about everything I can think of to write about. It's harder for people to argue with what's in black and white.

One of the things that keeps me from being really open is that I tend to have controversial opinions. I don't agree with workaholism. I think people who'll do most anything for money have a serious problem with being indifferent to others. My adopted mom is Native American and I learned to spot when white culture is being too exclusive (like in many many workplaces) and it bugs me. Unfortunately when I say something about it I often get penalized, fired or become the target of anger. I don't agree with this technologically pathological culture we have. Progress at everyone's expense does nobody any good. I've found that being too open with strangers ends up biting me, often.....

There is value in the ways of other cultures. I am not open with my political opinions or religious opinions and beliefs a lot of the time. I don't find the arguments I always get in worth the effort or time they take.

I think it's easier to be open for people that really feel like they belong. I don't have too many problems being open with close friends and my sponsor. But, these people seem to agree with me that a multicultural society is a good thing.

I am at peace with myself. I am okay with the fact it takes me time to open up to people. It took me years to open up at meetings. I had to figure out what my common ground with other addicts was, first.

I think it is very important that we have people in our lives we CAN be open with. I don't necessarily think it's a good idea to be open with everyone. My sponsor likes to tell me that our secrets can kill us. But I have a few "good" secrets I'd like to keep, and they don't seem to be killing me at all. There is something wrong with being too open with our good deeds -- they call that bragging....

In todays Day By Day reading it says, "If we try to hide our problems, we cannot get help for them. To get help we must tell people where we're really at. No one can read a closed book."

This is very true, but there is also such a thing as discretion. I guess that comes with wisdom. It does no good to dump our problems on someone who is very sick or whatever. I guess I have this program to thank for helping me to open up, and especially opening up in the right place to the right people.....

Strength

I consider myself to be a strong person, a tough person. I can take a lot. I can do almost anything I set my mind to. I consider myself to be usually a calm body of water (with my emotions) and not much causes the waters to get stormy. Strength, to me, means having a good will. It means being able to survive and live through storms. I am a strong ship. It will take a lot to capsize this boat and sink it.

I am not invulnerable, like the Titanic was supposed to be. Truly strong people are vulnerable. They aren't really afraid to let their feelings show or discuss them. A strong person, in my humble opinion, is strong enough to put their feelings out there and expose them to criticism or other adversity, and still be unrattled by that adversity.

There is such a thing as a strong program. I think if we keep honestly working a program, doing maintenance steps and not taking life, or ourselves, too seriously or personally we will LIVE. It is impossible to really live if we are weak (like we are when we are actively addicted.) It is just surviving, scrapping to get by when we are using. Weakness means we are slaves to our emotions whether they be real or chemically enhanced emotions. I've seen plenty of people who are actively using, and it seems like they have no handle on their resentments, their hate, their anger and their depression. They have no strength to swim away from the sewer.....

I think to be strong it requires some measure of self confidence. I think it requires a good self esteem.

I think to be truly strong, we must be able to rely on those that are stronger then we are. I think strong people have a lot of faith in a higher power. God/dess is a rock. God/dess isn't afraid to feel or let others know how S/He feels. I think strong people must be strong in love. They aren't afraid to love.

They say that "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I think that's where I got my strength. I've been in many life or death situations. I've learned that it does not help to get rattled or panic in such situations. I've been through a lot of crap in my life. It is important to be able to get back up and dust oneself off. It was because of encouragement from my higher power, I'm sure that I was able to get back up, with dignity even, and keep going. I learned something when I used to roller skate -- you fall down you're going to get run over if you don't get back up. Unless something is broken -- then a strong person calls out for help! Strong people aren't afraid to accept help, either.

True strength is within. The longer we are in this program the stronger we will get. The stronger we get, the longer we can walk our talk....

True strength is in being flexible too. To be able to bend in the wind is stronger then being so brittle we break. Sometimes, meetings are like the wind. We learn to bend. We learn to gain our ability to bend and go with the flow from others in meetings.

It is not necessary to be strong to start recovering. But, strength and gaining strength can help us to stay sober and clean. Just for today!

Take It Easy

"This sounds like a big order, and we can't do it all at once. We didn't become addicted in one day, so remember -- easy does it."

"How It Works", NA literature

There really is no point in being hard core about recovery. We are also told "progress not perfection." It's impossible to get blood from a stone, and we can't milk this program for all it's worth all at once. Becoming "enlightened," as I call it, takes time.

It seems to me that the people who work the program too hard, talk nothing but program, and are too hard on themselves are doomed in recovery. Going at this program too hard is too selfish. It's trying to get too much data. It's trying to take too much. It seems like the gung ho types burn out quick and fast like a meteorite. We have to work on our obsessive tendencies, and it doesn't seem to work to make the program our new obsession. A person in recovery should understand the principles they are preaching, in my humble opinion, before they start "preaching" them. It takes time to be honest about a lifetime (or part of a lifetime) of dishonesty. A crucial part of recovery is sharing our real experience, strength and hope -- not preaching or much advice giving at all. If sharing our real experiences comes too easy and fast, we probably aren't digging deep enough into our experiences.

Real recovery takes time.

I waded into this program and I have a little over six and a half years sobriety. I did not say too much the first few years of my recovery. I spent a lot of time listening to others' experiences. I listened to the facts about drug use. I did not do too much preaching. When I got overwhelmed I'd back off a little.

Recovery is about living. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Therefore recovery is not all work. Rule 62 tells us not to take ourselves or life too seriously. Part of recovery is learning not to sweat the small stuff. Some of the stuff we've done really is small stuff. It probably did not ruin anyone's life. It's way too easy for newcomers to make mountains out of molehills. We don't need mountain climbing gear to get over the anthills.

One day at a time comes to mind. And each day we must take time to play and enjoy our new lives. I think that is crucial to a good recovery program.

I don't know about anyone elses mind, but often when I let go of issues I might be mulling over or obsessing about, the answer will come to me later. I've got a relaxed attitude towards my recovery. I work it when it is time to work. I spend the rest of my time going with the flow or trying to go with the flow. Acceptance is a big thing of recovery and we cannot force the higher concepts to work for us right away. Years of negative thinking, self abuse and even hatred may take a few years to unlearn and undo. I'm a big fan of the expression "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." Keeping the program simple is very important, I think, and that keeps it simple for me.

I've learned many many of the concepts of recovery. I have a lot of tools in my toolbox for staying clean and sober. They are there when I need them. I am confident that I can use them whenever I need to. It took me quite some time to put them all there. I needed to build up my self esteem which took years. I needed to make amends and that took time. I needed to work pretty much on one concept at a time. One step at a time. I had to learn how not to be hard on myself. It was all one day at a time.

So, take it easy, it's very important. We are more likely to relapse if we are stressed out, seriously. This program really should not be stressing you out and if it is, maybe you should step back and figure out what's really bothering you. Maybe it's too much criticism of yourself and others? Take it easy on yourself and others around you. Try not to bite off more then you can chew!

Daily Inventory

Step 10: "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."

A daily inventory doesn't need to be a complicated thing. Unlike a fourth step, we don't need to write out our daily inventory. I know I don't.

I take an inventory any time there is a conflict or confrontation. I check myself. I try to keep the "bad stuff" off my inventory. I listen in conflicts, and I tend to leave them behind if I am not being listened too. This seems to work well for keeping them from spiraling out of control. I don't like losing my temper -- one of my character defects (I suppose) is becoming insulting when I do lose my temper. I also don't like the queasy feeling that losing my temper gives me. So very little is worth losing my cool over, and I've found that losing my cool is the least effective way to get things done.

I use my tendency to analyze stuff to inventory what I did and said: to see if I could've done or said something more effective. Every time I've talked to potential sponsees I try to figure out what I could have done better as a potential sponsor.

When I've done or said something wrong I usually admit it right then and there, and I let it go. I am no saint and I am definitely not a Goddess. I am under no obligation to be right all the time. I don't see the point of waiting till the end of the day to examine my behavior. I am a firm believer that we have control over what comes out of our mouths (unless one has Tourette's Syndrome or something). I maybe keep my opinions and feelings too much to myself, but I've found that most feelings are very transitory. Feelings are not facts. I believe in keeping the transitory feelings to myself if they seem negative or will make someone feel manipulated. Usually they go away. I try to keep from saying anything in anger too. I can be very blunt. I prefer to wait to deal with the anger when I've cooled off a bit. I think this all is a result of inventorying myself and my feelings. Like I said, I try during the day to keep my inventory "clean."

It says in todays Just For Today entry "We also want to monitor the positive aspects of our lives in our daily inventory."

I haven't really been doing that too much. I don't give myself enough kudos, I suppose. Negative thinking was such a habit of mine for so many years that I guess the ghosts of it are still around. That could be why I feel like I am not productive or effective enough in my communication. I tend to be a bit perfectionist, and I like nearly perfect outcomes. I suppose I don't give myself enough credit.

Doing a daily inventory is not a chore for me. I don't have set times that I do it. I usually do my daily inventory when there is a lull in the day's flow of events.

It says "Our daily inventory doesn't have to be complicated to be effective. It is a very simple tool we can use to keep in daily touch with ourselves." in today's Just For Today entry. I think that's important. Someone once said the unexamined life isn't worth living. (Or something along those lines....)

Confidence

Self confidence is a nice perk of recovery, especially a recovery program that is worked well.... It also provides good ammunition against ever using again. It is unlikely we will want to do things that make us feel bad about ourselves if we feel good about ourselves now.

I am a pretty confident person right now. I have come a long way from the beaten young adult I was. I used to have no confidence whatsoever, and a really low self esteem. People in my immediate family would tell me I couldn't do anything right, and I used to believe them.

I used to confuse confidence with conceit. I've since learned that self confidence and conceit are not the same thing at all. Self confidence is a good self esteem and people who are conceited usually don't have a very good self esteem.

I think something that is essential to having self confidence is risk taking. Not necessarily biting off more then one can chew though. Taking risks is about being willing to love and have relationships (of many different kinds) even if one has been hurt before. I do get afraid to take risks, but I have the courage to take them anyway. I stand up for kids who are being abused or people who are being attacked by racism. I stand up for the underdog quite often, especially if I think it will help. Often, in public, the bad behavior will stop if I say something.

For years I've been working on the whole idea of not worrying about what others think. I can't control that. People have the right to think what they want. Today, what others think doesn't bother me. Oh sure, I get curious what people think about, but I am not worried about what they think of me....

I used to seek to improve my pathetic self esteem through men a lot. This did not help. I often ended up in abusive "relationships." They never told me what I needed to hear. Some of them just used me for sex. Most of them used me to abuse me. I thought, for many years, that if I had a boyfriend I was a worthy person, and that if I didn't I wasn't worthy. I wanted a white pickett fence and 2.5 kids and a husband who could fix all the stuff wrong without me having to communicate it. I wanted all my feelings validated. I never found this person (big surprise, huh?)

Nowadays I want to help others. I want to help others recover. I want to help others get out of abusive relationships. I want to help others feel better about themselves (which does require some work!) I want to make my world a better place for me and all those I love.

I know that negative self talk does not help. Beating oneself up is a poor substitute for true humility. Humility comes from finding out just how limited our power is to help others.... Beating oneself up is blaming the self for things that probably aren't even close to our fault. There is no point to beating oneself up. We have to be able to take care of ourselves if we want self confidence.

Service to others is essential to self confidence I think. There are lots of opportunities for service in recovery! I just prefer to serve those who need it most. I'd rather serve the underdog who doesn't have a lot to give then the bully who has a lot to give (but never gives anything.)

I try to see myself through God/dess' eyes. It keeps me from worrying too much. It keeps me from being too negative. It keeps me forgiving others and myself. It allows me to have real humility. If it wasn't for the love of the Spirit, I would be nowhere right now....

No substance can give us true self confidence. I'm quite sure I can handle most anything that comes my way. I know I'll figure out the answers I need. I'm sure I can take care of me, and I need no man to do it for me these days! I'm confident I'm not going to let anything damage my serenity. Today, I trust myself!

Hitting Bottom

"Why this insistence that every A.A. must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program unless they have hit bottom."

Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions pg. 24

This quote was at the beginning of today's Daily Reflections entry.

I think I hit bottom long before I was forced to quit using drugs. I just kept digging after I hit bottom.... Boy were things ever bad. But I am a stubborn sort of person (it runs in my family.) I think my bottom was when I was kicked out of my apartment. I thought I could push it after the rent was no longer being paid. I thought it took a few months after that before they could evict me. Boy, was I ever wrong. I was ordered to leave by several police officers at my door within a week after the rent was not paid. I grabbed a few extra clothes and that's about all I was able to leave with. I walked away and wandered around Bellingham for awhile since I had no car.

There were several things contributing to this sorry state of affairs. I was a very paranoid person and I was hallucinating. I kept hearing voices and crap. My paranoia kept me from trusting anyone with a car or any of my "friends" to help me out with shelter. My mental illness made it impossible to focus enough to search out a room for rent or anything.... I had done drugs with my "friends."

One reason I say this was my bottom is because I had lost my daughter permanently a couple of months previous to this. It was my decision to give her up for adoption to the foster family. It was not my decision that placed her in foster care to begin with. I suppose it was inevitable. Most of the time while she was in my custody I was getting stoned and had no comprehension that I was mentally ill. I thought the constant hallucinations/voices were merely a side effect of the pot.... When I'd come down my depression would come back and I'd smoke more.

I took off hitchhiking with her when she was four months old. I was being stalked by the father. I was being stalked by a man accused of being a child molester. I was being stalked by an ex boyfriend too. I had all sorts of additional fears. I had thought that the ex boyfriend was poisoning my Brita water filter. There were also several men who seemed quite determined to get into my life (and probably my pants) who were drug addicts too. I was totally flipped out. I didn't really know what was real from what wasn't, and I didn't know how to tell authority figures about my very real problems. Furthermore I had issues with the government and Big Brother fears. I did not trust anyone in authority because I was so paranoid. The lady from Mother/Baby Homecare who was coming over to weigh my daughter once a week developed an issue with me because I finally refused to take off my shirt for the upteenth time so she could observe my daughter's breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding made me extremely uncomfortable, especially at night. I was having rape hallucinations. They seemed to get worse when I'd breastfeed. I'd get confused and really viciously angry when I'd breastfeed. I didn't know how to tell anyone about the hallucinations and was quite certain that nobody could help me with them. I figured that these hallucinations were brought about by the pagan God Pan who would visit when I'd get stoned.....
I got ticked off at the social worker and told her I was not going to take my shirt off. I yelled at her, and she reported me to CPS. My daughter had not gained any weight that week as well.

It was all too much, the real and unreal stuff. I had no idea at the time that some of it was coming out of my brain. One night in the middle of the night I took off with my daughter hitchhiking. I was determined to figure out who in my family could help me raise my daughter. I think the doctor who was really messing with my head was the last straw. Every time I took her in for shots or anything I'd have to take her diaper off. He kept waving his hand around over her privates.

While I was hitchhiking -- I quit the pot. We were on the road for three days before I was separated from my daughter and taken to the hospital. This was after I was at a truck stop and talking about vampires. Obviously the hallucinations hadn't stopped. I was diagnosed with PPD. I almost got my daughter back, but after I handed her to the CPS worker in Missoula, MT and asked her to hold my daughter while I went out and smoked a cigarette, she placed her in foster care. That night in the shelter they placed me in I tried (half-heartedly) to commit suicide. I ended up going to the hospital a few hours after taking one whole little bottle of sleeping pills. But I was so certain the charcoal they were going to give me was the head vampires blood and they were going to turn me into a vampire that I kept leaving the hospital. Eventually they restrained me and stuck tubes down my nose.... Then they put me in the mental health unit.

I still did not believe I was psychotic even after they told me I was.

After about a month they sent me back to Washington because I insisted on going back to my apartment. My daughter followed me on a plane a month later and was placed with a foster family in Bellingham. I did get visits with her but they were supervised. CPS workers did not believe that the father had raped me and tried to rape me a few times. Maybe because I denied it the first time they asked? He got unsupervised visits before I did. I did not understand why they were asking me, but not the father, to go to drug treatment. Obviously they did not believe that he was a crack addict like I told them he was. That was the last straw and I got hysterically angry. I still don't understand to this day why the CPS case worker would write 9 paragraphs against me and one paragraph against the father on her reports....

I really should have realized I had a problem with the drugs when I started smoking pot just before the visits with my daughter.....

I ended up totally trashing my apartment. I painted pictures on the walls. I would get enraged at the unsympathetic voices and hurl coffee cups at God (i.e. out the windows) I often screamed back at the voices. All this time I was convinced that the marijuana was helping me. After all, it did not make me gain weight like the meds did. It did not keep me sleeping. Boy I was terrified I'd have to sleep through rape hallucinations and die in my sleep....

I remained homeless for three years. I wandered all over the United States. I had no friends. I went coast to coast three times. Pot was my only friend and confidant. I really did NOT want to gain weight. I trusted absolutely no body. The rape hallucinations would enrage me and the voices didn't care about those.... I often went off screaming "fa**ot!" at God and the voices. I'd attract negative attention and move on. I even got arrested a few times. A couple of times for creating a disturbance. Once for shoplifting and another time for slapping a Greyhound Bus Line worker. (He tried to shut and lock the bathroom door on my arm. And after I slapped him he literally threw me outside twice) I guess it was obvious to me that my life was unmanageable, but I just did not care. Then the money ran out. I lost my SSDI because I missed my reevaluation appointment. They told me I was not disabled.....

I ended up staying in San Jose a couple blocks away from the Winchester House on an on ramp in the bushes. I was hanging around with a pothead who confessed to beating up his ex girlfriend because he had the pot I wanted. He lived on the off ramp with a couple other men who drank a lot. I would stand on the side of the highway with a sign saying I was accepting donations for the homeless (myself) and getting food money that way.

I rarely bought pot. Someone always had some to share with me and it was all I cared about. I obviously didn't care about myself much.

I did not care if I lived or died. I don't know why it was so hard and took me so long to admit I was an addict.... Like I said I kept on digging. I was finally forced to quit when I attacked one of my childhood abusers after about three drinks and karaoke. I ended up in jail, and finally in a mental institution. This was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I waded into recovery and I still take my time and mull over the various concepts in recovery. It wasn't till I had been locked up for over 3 years that I started going to NA and AA. I ended up, by the grace of God, getting exactly what I needed, and I still have my physical health.

Thank you God and Goddess for always being there for me!

May I stay clean and sober today. It is really what I want in my heart. I think that having it in our hearts to recover is what it takes not to relapse, because I haven't relapsed since being released. I did hit my bottom long ago, and I agree that it is what it takes to want it. I have absolutely no desire to revisit that hell.....

Thank you God and Goddess for everything!

Sharing Feelings

I have lots of feelings. I don't always express them, though. I don't always express them in a healthy way, either. I did not learn how to talk about my feelings till after I became a grown up. I am still learning how to communicate them -- it is often difficult for me.

When I was a child I wrote about them a lot. Writing is my second language. The people in my family did not read the things I wrote though -- they never seemed to be interested.

Addicts and alcoholics that are actively using are not really good at expressing feelings (especially in a healthy way). My family is predominantly addicts, alcoholics and codependent types. I was discouraged from having any input on decisions and was never asked to identify or express my feelings. People in my family just acted out a lot. There was a lot of anger around all the time. I'm still mystified to this day what all the anger and hatred was about, exactly. I was taught by example, to strike out when angry -- preferrably at someone weaker or more helpless then myself. My conscience wouldn't let me get away with being a bully most of the time, so I took it out on myself mostly. I came to the conclusion a long time ago as a little girl that bottling anger was not good.... So I have been striving to find healthy means of expression for a long long time.

I'm still wondering exactly how I was feeling after my mother died in 1973. I think I was more scared then anything else. All the Christian dogma made no sense to me and did not bring me closer to the Spirit. My stepdad didn't help me much.... He just told me to go lay down after I found out she died. It took me a long time to realize that I was terrified of the man. He often beat the crap out of me.... I remember the fear based kind of paralysis I had. I'm still to this day trying to remember if I really felt anything else.

I have since found out there are lots of people out there that are like me in this way. It seems to be a very American ailment to me to not communicate feelings, especially communicate them in a healthy way. There's lots of discouragement out there for expressing any kind of "negative" feeling. People like to argue with and criticize those expressing "negative" feelings. Compassion seems to be something of a rare commodity in this country. I guess that's why I like meetings. I get to talk uninterrupted and can vent my negative feelings without being judged for them. I get to get to the end of my negative feelings and move on to how I cope with them.

I get mixed feelings a lot. I like to think of myself as a realist. Rarely is anything all good or all bad.... I end up usually writing about my strong feelings. I started doing this blog, because there is no flow to the feelings, if I don't share them with someone.... Few people I know have the patience to read all the stuff I write....

I am experiencing a lot of mixed feelings at this point in my life. I just got involved in a relationship with a man who seems very nice. I love him. He says he loves me. But, there are other feelings there too. I'm a little scared this will turn abusive or something. I feel like I'm cheating on people from my past and that brings a smattering of guilt.... I'm a little scared he'll get jealous of my love for all those I do love and demand that I love only him. I'm a little angry at myself for not resisting the temptation to get involved for very long. I really value my independence and am scared I will lose that. I get a little impatient because I feel like I should be doing something productive when I'm around him and he seems like he always wants to be talking about stuff when we are together. I also get scared he will relapse. He, too, is in the program and has more time clean and sober then me. I get scared I will relapse.

Vulnerability was never really a comfortable feeling for me..... I feel vulnerable.....

My strong feelings were what lead me to use. I felt strong depression, paranoia and anger. I didn't like those. It turns out I had clinical depression for upwards of 20 years before I started using. Depression is not just sadness, it includes irritability and anxiety too. I could not cope with it any more and was unwilling to take pills. (I've always had issues with all the pills people take...) I also thought I'd kill two birds with one stone and smoke pot to kill my sexual feelings as well. I never wanted to get involved again. Particualarily because I didn't like any of the men I was "involved" with and the person I became around those men. I was like the wicked witch of the west. I'd throw things and scream at them. (Assertiveness was something I really had to work at later in life) Turns out I have PTSD, which messes up one's perceptions and feelings, too. I also have schizophrenia which was more damaging to my emotional nature then my mental nature -- even thought they say it is a thought disorder.

I have since learned that it is okay to need help coping with my feelings. I still get scared that the bottom will drop out on me though. I also feel disbelief that nobody in my family can bring themselves to care enough about themselves and others to get healthy. I am like a trailblazer in this family, and I have made many mistakes..... But I cannot demand that they follow my lead; they won't let me. Thus I feel a little frustrated.

Turning feelings over to God/dess is very helpful too. I often ask God/dess to help me sleep at night. It is probably my most common prayer, and I'm sure it is God/dess who soothes me at night when I am troubled. I often talk to Jesus and the God and Goddess about everything I can think of, including feelings. To me, taking responsibility for my feelings is more important then sharing them. I have to know what they are first. I have to know where they come from. Then when I am ready I share them. It is not a good thing to keep them stuffed..... That is what my family does and they are not happy people, any of them....

And, I want to be happy, thank you.

Sanity

Step 2: "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

There are many definitions of insanity. When I was using I pretty much fit all of them. I was definitely in my own world and did not want anything to do with the outside world. I did not even want to hear about it.

Sanity is priceless. We can't cope with reality without it. Sanity is swimming when the water gets too deep, getting out of the pond when it's too cold, and it is knowing when one should come in out of the rain.

Insanity can lead to using and using definitely leads to insanity....

Like a hamster trapped in a cage, its a vicious cycle, a hamster wheel. We spin our wheels and go nowhere when we use. Others can see that the cage is our own creation.... We are the hamster and the keeper. Nothing changes if nothing changes.... We barely manage to feed ourselves, much less go anywhere in life. And we aren't very kind masters of our own fate.

I think a hallmark of insanity is an inability to cope with fear. We end up ruled by the emotions we try to suppress. We give in to it, because we don't have the strength to cope with it effectively. Drugs and alcohol sap our strength away. Dealing with emotions is like driving a boat. If the driver of the boat is impaired, where will we end up? Capsized? Will we drown? Will we end up where we set out to go? We can pilot the boat effectively if we are not impaired. If we are heading out into dangerous stormy waters, we can eventually turn the boat away from that (if unimpaired).

I know lots about insanity, and I can't put all of it in words. I have paranoid schizophrenia, clinical depression, PTSD, and chemical dependency. I know that sometimes sanity requires medication. Our doctors and such are our navigators. They may not always be right, but one cannot handle a storm tossed ship alone. That is why I say that insanity often leads to using..... Chemical imbalances in the brain are just like drugs, and they aren't fun drugs. Those imbalances need treatment. Life is impossible to deal with if our lenses are clouded with fear, hallucinations, and sorrow constantly.

I know now that sanity is not overrated. It's almost impossible to have real fun while insane! I'm having more fun now then I ever did before I found recovery. I am not prey to the whims of paranoia, depression and PTSD any longer. My self esteem has improved vastly, and I have not had anything traumatic happen to me in at least six years. It is because I can appreciate the little miracles, all the life around me, and the good times without my emotional imbalances and skewed perceptions getting in my way. I know how to stay out of my own way, today. That, I believe is very important to being clean and sober.

We have to turn it over to our higher power to find sanity. Our higher power puts teachers in our lives. Respect is a key ingredient to sanity, I believe. Respect of the self and others. Respect for the competence of honest authority figures and "teachers." No man (or woman) is an island. Take it from someone (like me) who knows exactly what insanity is! Insanity is a very isolating condition, and there is a way out. There is a higher power for all of us and it is always there if we only LISTEN......

Just For Today

This phrase epitomizes the whole concept that recovery is done one day at a time. Change can be scary, especially to someone new to the program.... And when we first begin to recover, feelings can seem kind of raw, overwhelming, and unfamiliar -- especially fear. To imagine that we must spend the rest of our lives without touching drink or drug is a change, and that change looks really scary. I couldn't picture it. I was so certain when I got out of being locked up, I would definitely want to go back to using marijuana. I was so sure that I needed it to cope! But, one day at a time I began to recover from the very first day I was kept away from my drug of choice. Just for today, I can stay clean and sober. It isn't that hard for me to remember how fuzzy things were, how much alcohol made me feel nauseous and dizzy, how anxious I really was and I can do it for another day. Eventually the days began to add up and days turned into weeks, months and then years....

JUST FOR TODAY my thoughts will be on my recovery, living
and enjoying life without the use of drugs.

It is important to keep our minds on recovery, if we wish to recover. This statement reflects how important it is to appreciate the little things in life. The little miracles that happen. How else could we "enjoy life." Pleasure is no substitute for happiness or serenity. I found that out the hard way. Oh sure, the pot seemed to make my depression vanish when I first started smoking it all the time. It sure seemed like I was having fun... But I wasn't. To appreciate things, we can't have artificial anxiety, paranoia, and egotism getting in the way. How can we "enjoy life" if we are worried about cops showing up and doing all the stuff they do...? How can we "enjoy life" if we are emotionally unavailable to loved ones? Eventually the loved ones will get sick and tired of us not caring about their feelings and go away.... It's important to remember that we can only find real enjoyment of life, or serenity, if we are not forcing the issue. That is why it is important to remember that we are recovering. It is very hard to have any control over our thoughts and feelings while chemically enhanced. It is not when we learn to recover.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have faith in someone in N.A. who
believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.

We DO need each other. People need some understanding from others. Perhaps the others in the program have struggled with similar issues to ours.... Perhaps they can help us out with those same issues. We have to trust other recovering addicts.... even though we probably learned that, while using, other addicts simply weren't trustworthy. It is good for us to trust others in the program, and it is good for them. It feels good to be trusted to do what we say we're going to do. I do have difficulty with this statement. I tend to be fiercely independent. I've never been a "joiner." It's a miracle I got into recovery because I don't join clubs, etc. I don't consider myself to be a "follower." I'm not sure what exactly I am supposed to have faith about in others.... Other people in the program have said things that helped me. Others in the program have lightened the mood with jokes and laughter when I was feeling anxious. I do have faith that recovery will always be there for me.... To me, that is what having faith means right now. I guess that will have to be good enough for the time being. They say "progress not perfection" and I am still learning how to have faith in others.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.

Having a program is vital. This seems to be a gentle reminder to follow the steps which are the "program." It also says, in essence, that we DO NOT have to be perfect.... There are lots of "in betweens" in real life. There are actions that aren't exactly right or wrong, but if those actions go unexamined how will we ever know? There are character traits that are in between -- neither being a defect nor an asset or being either depending on how they are used. If we don't examine these traits, how will we ever use them for the greatest good? If we don't examine our feelings, we may end up ruled by them. We may end up "acting out" in a childish manner, just like active addicts do. This statement is a gentle reminder that it is our duty, today, to examine our lives and get to know ourselves better. It is a gentle reminder to keep trying to do our best, do the greatest good. For, when we do this our self esteem improves, and people with good self esteem tend to be less likely to use drugs..... It is our duty to do what it takes to feel good about ourselves.

JUST FOR TODAY through N.A. I will try to get a better
perspective on my life.

Maybe we aren't the monsters we thought we were?
Through the program and the steps we learn that we aren't all bad. That not everything we did was rotten. We find love in the program, and many of us when we came to this program did not believe we deserved love.... So many of us feel that love must be earned.... In NA we don't have to earn our love. It is there for us. We may not find perfect unconditional love every time. We may not feel it when we first start down the road to recovery, but it is there. We ARE worthy of love. By doing the program of NA we will get closer to our Higher Power. From our higher power we DO find unconditional love. Usually some kind of recovery is necessary to find that higher power. Some say "with love, all things are possible." When we open up to our possibilities, we will find we do have a better perspective. The better we feel about ourselves, the better life will look.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.

They say in recovery "fear is a lack of faith." This statement completes the circle.... It leads us back to the first statement of the Just For Today reading. It takes faith to walk into a meeting -- faith that we will (usually) feel better after the meeting. Faith that we will not be rejected and/or criticized. This statement is phrased nicely for both the newcomer and other recovering people. It encourages us to reach out to others in the program. No man (or woman) is an island. We need each other. This statement of the Just For Today reading gently encourages us to love each other. Our "new way of life" generally involves loving ourselves as well. It means accepting love from our higher power. Truly our higher power will always love us and therefore, we really have nothing to fear. Our way is one of faith in our higher power, ourselves and others.

Just for today, I will love and be loved and everything will be alright.

I often tell myself "It will be alright," and that does help me