Edging God Out

"Our traditions are key elements in the ego deflation process necessary to achieve and maintain sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous. The first tradition reminds me not to take credit, or authority, for my recovery."

Today's Daily Reflection entry

The ego, according to Freud, is our sense of self. In Buddhism, that sense of self is an "intellectual construct." I believe in recovery, ego means a lack of humility. To have an ego, in many of the circles I've been in, means that one thinks of oneself as more important then others. It is edging God out. I believe ego and identity are two different things. One's identity is more closely related to the soul -- the true self. One's ego is closely related to what we think others think of us, and it is often inflated, or grandiose in addicts and alcoholics. But, I don't want to entirely throw out Freud's definition -- perhaps it is better to say that it is not a good thing to have an inflated ego.

Step four and step ten, should, over time, cure us of ego problems. We are all a mix of bad and good and therefore we are not better then the majority of humanity. We are not "above" any one, no matter how long we have been sober, etc. We do not have a better recovery then anyone else who is also recovering.

"Placing our common welfare first reminds me not to become a healer in this program. I am still one of the patients. Self effacing elders built the ward," todays Daily Reflections.

To edge God out, means to forget about God. It means to forget the divinity of others in the program. (We all have a spirit!) It can mean we are either to busy obsessing about people, places, things, drugs.... It can mean we are thinking entirely too much about how great we are. The entry in Daily Reflections says we need to put the common welfare of the group first. We need to think about the group. We need to give and receive from the group. We need each other to stay sober. We have to accept that we may not be able to be the one who offers the healing words to a newcomer, or even any helpful words at all. If one's ego is small and secure, the rejection will just roll off the back!

"The active role in renewed surrender of will enables me to step aside from the need to dominate, the desire for recognition, both of which played so great a part in my active alcoholism," today's Daily Reflection. We need to always remember that God is running the show, not us.

I'm not sure exactly what letting go of the desire for recognition means.... In today's Each Day A New Beginning it says "The inner urging to move ahead, to try a new approach to an old problem, to go after a new job, to learn a new skill, is evidence of God's eternal Spirit within." The whole entry talks about the necessity of self expression, and how divine it is!

You see, my expression is through writing and the arts. I write about all kinds of stuff, not just recovery. I love doing artwork. I do want to be recognized for my poetry and art! I would love to sell my work. That would put food on the table! I need to write -- it helps me organize my thoughts. It helps me talk about stuff better. It gives me concise concepts and a precision of speech I like. I honestly believe that my writing (which I've been doing regularly since I learned how to write haiku in elementary school) is a God given gift that I am supposed to share with others. I think I need to seek the balance there. I think I need to be careful to let go of expectations. It also says "To be human is to have a constant desire to be more than we are."

I feel as if though I am torn between these two readings.... Perhaps what I should be getting out of both readings is that there are no accurate blanket statements. It's okay to be me, and I think it's okay to desire to have my writings read! But I need to be careful not to see my recovery as being a better quality then others who are also recovering.

To me, it is better to have a small, strong and secure ego. That means that ego and identity are the same. It means we have an accurate picture of ourselves, are humble and are aware of our place in the world. Big egos are like balloons, so easy to deflate with just a little pin prick. It isn't fair to edge God out, because God is a better, very loving, person. We need God and others to continue recovering. We probably have a problem if our ego is in the way, and we are edging God out....