Spiritual Growth

If I were to list the three most important things to me they would be: friendships, spirituality, and my kids. I tend to be a little bit competitive and the US constitution tells me that all people are created equal. I wanted to be Buddha's equal. I wanted to be as enlightened as him most of my life.

Of course, I had hurdles to overcome. I have clinical depression. I have been seriously sexually abused. And, later in life I had addiction issues to battle.

I rejected Mother Teresa's path because she seemed to be anti-money (which is fine for her) but I don't want to be served and fed by others, really. I don't see the problem with having money to buy food or pay bills or have a place of my own. I tend to agree with the statement, however, "the love of money is the root of all evil." I also don't want to be a nun, because I rejected most of the Old Testament, and a good portion of the New Testament as well. I really believe that if one is too literal about the Bibble that it will interfere with real spiritual growth! I do agree with helping others with no thought of reward, but I wouldn't reject payment for services, either..... Plus, I like being half dressed in the summer, which is totally unacceptable when one is a nun!

My spiritual growth came to a grinding halt when I became addicted. My writing got very lame, and maudlin. You see, I let some people I was working with corrupt me. I volunteered at a coffee shop. I really wanted to learn how to be a barista (because I love coffee shops) and how to pour espresso. When I started there, I knew a few things about the Spirit and spirituality. I was very frustrated though, because at the time my depression was untreated. My spiritual joys were fleeting and short lived. I guess I expected God to just take it away. I met a musician there who told everyone in one of his songs that we were all angels. I think about that from time to time. I didn't really believe him, but I do believe we become angels when we die. (After some thought about that I began to see that anyone can act like an angel right here on Earth, and become angelic.) This man was a stoner.... a Rastafarian. He'd also had a near death experience once in his life. So because this "enlightened soul" smoked pot, and my depression would not go away, I began smoking pot all the time at this coffee shop. It was the only way we ever got paid for the work we did there....

It's a little bit funny how in my addiction I threw away those three things that are so important to me. Well, maybe "threw them away" is strong language -- I let them go. I let those things slide away. God would not "fix me." I had my mental illness and my depression and the pot didn't help with those (although I refused to admit this for a long time.) So I rejected God, but God insisted on being there in the background. Quite frankly while I was addicted, I just didn't care that those things were slipping away.

The idea of being an angel has stuck with me. It made me think about what angels are like. Angels are kind, so I strive to be kind. Angels are easy going without being doormats, so I strive for that ideal. Angels are givers. I try to be generous. I think true spiritual growth comes from step 11 and becoming the kind of person we like. Its easier to love oneself then it is to like oneself I think. Loving oneself is difficult for many, and I don't believe we can really grow spiritually without love for others and ourselves. Today I am that easy going person with a dash of penache that I like so much. I am not afraid to love. I know its the lack of love that hurts much worse then anything love can do to me.

I've also accepted that God won't fix all illnesses, I think the reason for this is that we have to accept that life on Earth is transitory and that when we get up to Heaven, we won't ever be ill again. God is not our slave.... I also think that the reason God doesn't "fix us" whenever something is wrong is that broken parts and illnesses are no excuse for being an evil creep. A lot of evil creeps think it is. I really believe that this world is where the creeps get weeded out, because there are no creeps in Heaven....

All this time, too, it never really occurred to me to ask/pray for healing from God. It took me a long time to really accept that there was a God. I used to pray to the Universe.....

I guess faith is essential to truly growing spiritually too.

I know that drugs don't bring one closer to God/dess and the Spirit now. Those "shamans" that use them, probably aren't really very caring about others. The whole idea of using mind altering substances to get closer to God came from that philosophy for me. But, now I KNOW, and I don't really regret having tried, because I no longer have to use to have my spirituality.

Even angels keep growing spiritually. I know that spiritual growth is a never ending journey. I don't think it even ends when we die. I know I can take it at my own pace, and there's no rush, because there really is no destination. So I might as well enjoy the "scenery," and appreciating the little things/miracles is a big part of my serenity, and spirituality.