"What Can I Do?"

"The first step to recovery is to stop using. We cannot expect the Program to work for us if our minds and bodies are still clouded by drugs."

Basic Text, chapter 5, p.52

I think a better question is "what can I do today?" Today I can avoid bars and drinking. I can avoid using people altogether. This is a one day at a time program. It isn't just staying clean and sober to me; it is recovering from all the drugs I did -- one day at a time..... I can do all the things necessary for me to take care of myself. I can get up in the morning, brush my teeth, shower, make the bed and breakfast. I can keep things relatively peaceful in my environment so stress doesn't cause me to be tempted to use. I can respond in such a way as to try to keep the peace. I can avoid being at fault in conflicts, and such. I can listen to old timers for guidance, and newcomers to remind me where I have come from. I can prevent H.A.L.T. (Hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and stay relatively healthy.

Today, I could go to a meeting. NA or AA -- it really doesn't matter -- whatever is available when I need one. Some AA groups mind if my problem was drugs, others don't. The third tradition says all that is required for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I do desire to stop drinking. Drinking would only lead me back to drugging, if not right away, then eventually. I would stop taking the medication that I need too and start doing the drugs I don't. It would not help my clinical depression at all.... I have nothing to fear from meetings or recovery. God and Goddess will take care of me, and while I am recovering, I will let Them.

"Just for today, I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear."

Today, I can call someone in the program. I can befriend someone new. I can call someone who has already become a true friend. Someone who won't try to pressure me into using something, or drive me crazy. I can call someone who understands my conflicts today. I can call someone who understands my spirituality and/or spiritual crises. I can talk to someone about anything I want to talk about. I can sign onto stepchat.com and talk to other recovering addicts/alcoholics, and/or recovering friends.

I can, today, practice following rule 62. You know, they say that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy! I can find the humor in life and laugh. I can laugh at myself if I am being silly or absurd or even laugh at myself when I am taking things too seriously or personally. I can use my "loony sense of humor" and make jokes out of just about anything. I prefer not to hang out with the humor impaired, because I just love laughing.... I can apply humor to past escapades. I can apply humor to the news. I can find humor whenever I need to..... I can even ease a tense moment with a smart comment or joke. Humor is wonderful, today I can laugh, and it isn't chemically enhanced!

I can do my maintaining recovery steps 10 - 12. I can keep a watchful eye on myself and make sure I don't do anything wrong and/or own up to it if I do. I can track my progress and see how far I have come. I can keep up with my defects and try to improve on them with my higher power's help. Today I don't have to sit on guilt, or stew on stuff, or suffer self esteem problems. I can do something about my problem -- me!

I can maintain my conscious contact with my higher power. Mine is love, and I think it's a good higher power for me, because it is easy to find.... I can practice my faith -- which is a nice comfortable melting pot of religious teachings for me. I can throw out the stuff that Love doesn't do because I don't believe that love did some of the stuff that God is accused of. I can worship my Goddess (of love) -- I don't have to go to church and reject Goddess. I don't have to hang around close minded pagans that reject Jesus, or whatever.... I can have a comfortable relationship with my higher power, because the only people that have to approve of the relationship are me and my higher power. I have the freedom to love others, even if they reject me. Love does not have to be expressed openly to be real, or pleasant -- although it is very good when there is a free flow of love between people.... I believe my higher power wants me to be loving, and as long as I am, then I am doing the Spirit's will.....

I can talk to newcomers and carry the message. It helps me even if it isn't received well or in the spirit intended. I can feel good about doing that. I can feel good today, period. There is no "crash" from genuine good feelings -- although sometimes there is a gradual let down or periodic bursts of irritablity that interrupt my serenity. I can feel good about actually helping people that want my help.

Today I can be a good listener and not fear being swayed, because I don't have to be swayed by someone elses negativity or whatever. I can have a meaningful conversation with someone, without the forgetfullness that goes hand in hand with a "high." I can let someone else share their experience strength and hope. I can even share my own. I can learn and love learning today! I can live in the moment. I can enjoy all their is to enjoy in this moment. I can just be and be okay with that.

I can say the serenity prayer whenever I feel disturbed or have a problem today. I can say it whenever I want or need to! God/dess helps me get back to feeling serene which beats being "high" any day. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference! I can accept life on life's terms. I can find peace today, and stop fighting. I know I will be alright! Even if I am feeling down because someone died, or frustrated because so many of those I know are still using/drinking. It doesn't have to bring me to the lows that I experienced before I found recovery.

Today I can be grateful -- and that is sincere. I am here, and I am very happy I am recovering and healing, Thank you God and Goddess. I can't do one thing though, I can't do it alone! Love you all!

Terminal Uniqueness

Today's Just For Today's entry was about hardships and terminal uniqueness.... "So many of us feel different or unique."

Terminal uniqueness is just that, terminal. There is "....nothing that can make us ineligible for the program not a life-threatening illness, not poverty, not anything." I know people that believe their lives have been too hard for recovering. They may die, and I'll have to let them go.... One is a painkiller addict, the other a major stoner. I know that an overdose of pills can kill. I think she thinks that what she has been through has been too rough. I don't mean to belittle her very real hardships, but I don't think dying from a pill overdose will help her. She simply isn't getting better from her serious childhood trauma... It's very tragic, and I can't seem to convince her that getting better will make her feel better....

The other person is a marijuana snob, but I'm sure someday, if he continues down his path of grandiosity and drug use, he will experiment with other things. He seems to think getting high is a necessary component of "enlightenment," and he persists in this irrational belief. He is terminally "unique" because he believes himself to be some exalted healer sent from Heaven. Do those kind recover very often, is what I want to know? I've met several that fit that stereotype.... He had a near death experience and I think he thinks that places him above others. (A skinhead tried to murder him.)

I don't know if it was terminal uniqueness that kept me out of this program for so long. I think early on when I was in forced recovery, that might have been the case. I didn't think I would be able to talk about my very real hardships. I thought I knew enough. It wasn't till halfway through my present recovery time that I started to go to meetings. But while I was still addicted I was totally irrational because of my mental illness -- which prevents rational thinking much of the time when it is active.

Terminal uniqueness is not the same thing as individuality. It's our personalities that make us truly unique, not our problems. If we really want to we can find common ground with mostly anyone. I don't believe throwing away our individuality is the answer. I know I love diversity. I appreciate people's differences. I seek common ground and respect differences when dealing with other people. I'm willing to discuss/debate differences if that is what the other person wants to do (i.e. agree to disagree....) But I'm not willing to argue with others about differences much. I pick my battles....

I think when we start thinking our problems are what make us unique is when we start really running into trouble. Then we want to hang onto those problems (which are often in the past.) It took me letting go of all delusions about myself and not being understood to find the gold at the end of the rainbow. I began to learn what it is about me that makes me really unique.

I know we need to unburden our past/problems if we want to heal. Hanging onto them for dear life and using our weaknesses as a shield will not help us. We really need each other. "My hardships do not exclude me from recovery, rather, they draw me into it," today's Just For Today entry. I find healing among other addicts and alcoholics, and it really helps to find understanding. I don't find all that in just one other person either. I need to interact with many. The more recovering people I know, the less I feel that what I've been through is all that unique.