"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings"
The 12x12 goes on extensively about the humility involved in this step. It talks about how many of us don't even have a passing acquaintance with humility. It talks about how the word itself has a lot of negative connotations.
I don't have a problem with humility -- I'm the most humble person I know!
But seriously, many people do seem to have a problem with it in today's society. Our egos seem to be blown way out of proportion because people have made oh so many technological advancements in the past century. It's not necessarily a good thing either. Many of those same people are miserable. We really don't give God/dess enough credit for teaching us how to do all this stuff! It is definitely not humble to assume we created all this stuff by our lonesome and on our limited intelligence. On some level, we know it isn't true. The truth will set us free.... Until we accept the truth we will be kept in our prison of misery.
It wasn't all done in good faith and with good intentions, either. Child labor was a big part of the industrial revolution.
To be humble is to accept that we are worthy of God/dess' love just as we are -- warts and all. To be humble is to accept that God/dess are above us and it's precisely that unconditional love that places God/dess above each of us. We are all equals. People aren't really above each other.. I've heard it said that alcoholics and addicts are the only people who can lay in the gutter and look down upon others. Humility is thinking of ourselves less and thinking more of others. Humility is an honest appraisal of who we are. Humility and beating oneself up are not the same thing either. Thinking we are pieces of crap who deserve the worst is NOT humility. We are still thinking of ourselves too much when we think this way.
True humility frees us from the unnecessary burden of carrying the world upon our shoulders.
It is often said in AA and NA, "keep your side of the street clean." That is a much smaller burden then the whole world. We cannot make others do anything. A humble person realizes that s/he has just no control over others. True -- if only others would do their part -- the world would be a much better place. But, we can and must do our part. That is all we can truly do to make the world a better place.
True humility starts with the admission of powerlessness and unmanagability. Humility is about facts and it is a fact we have no control over our drinking and/or using once we start. We learn about humility just accepting that fact.
It can be quite a relief to actually find out we can put the world back on God/dess' shoulders. We can even give many of our burdens to Him or Her, too! God/dess will help us if we only ask -- and often S/He will help us even if we don't ask. It's hard to find real peace and happiness without humility. It can be such a relief to say "this is not my responsibility!"
I have a hard time picturing anyone being able to ask God/dess to remove defects without being humble about it. To just do it -- cross this bridge when one comes to it -- is a step in the right direction.
It says in the 12x12, "The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear -- primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded," p 76.
This tells me that the golden rule is good here. How much do we, ourselves, want to meet other people's demands!? If we can accept that others (including God/dess) deserve to be treated with the respect we ourselves deserve, we have definitely become more humble. Obviously humility is not a lack of self respect, but a healthy self respect!
"The seventh step is where we make the change in our attitude which permits us, with humility as our guide, to move out from ourselves toward others and toward God," 12x12 p. 76
That to me means I will only see the love I need if I am humble enough to see it. We all need love. To be humble means we can give and receive love in a healthy way -- and that is a good thing!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Step Six
"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
The 12x12 talks at length about the willingness to have our defects removed in this chapter. It also talks about how the vast majority of us aren't entirely willing to have them all removed. We often hang onto just a few of them.
Most of us who have been in recovery for awhile know that, given time, God will remove our defects if we so desire. Two of mine were impatience and a low frustration tolerance. They have miraculously gotten better for me. Oh, yes I did pray for patience. God tends to teach that one the hard way! I lost my connection to many friends and became homeless! This step was my third step! I prayed for patience and release from my low frustration tolerance even before I quit doing drugs.
It says in this chapter to go ahead and seek perfection (even though one will probably never find it.) I don't want to be perfect! That was my main reservation about this step, and apparently, it's quite common. I still have defects that I don't pray about. One of my main issues is the cigarette smoking -- I know I should quit! I know I would be healthier if I did quit! But, I can't seem to muster up the desire to quit. I can't seem to bring myself to ask my higher power to help me with quitting. Oh, when I've had to quit -- God/dess helped me with that -- I know S/He did. Part of me doesn't care if the smoking kills me to be honest.
I'm still discovering, or rather, identifying my defects -- the nature of my wrongs. I guess that's why they say this step is a "lifetime job."
Perhaps part of my problem is a touch of complacency. I am content for the most part with the person I am today.
It talks again in this chapter about the seven deadly sins. It explains why they aren't good to have or do. Many other traits besides those "sins" are not all bad. Sometimes it's hard to decide whether something is an asset, a defect, or a little of both. Something like stubbornness -- which can also be called persistence. Many of my traits have a positive and negative aspect. I tend to compartmentalize them in my mind and pray often to use them to the best possible outcome. I don't believe it is possible and possibly not even desirable to kill or lock away our dark side.... Sometimes we need it for self defense! It would not be good, however to let it rule us, as it tends to do when we are under the influence.
Soon I know I will ask God for help removing my slothful and proud tendencies. I am a great procrastinator. I am proud of my healing I've done -- when it was God who really did it. Perhaps I need to do another inventory on those defects because up until recently I never identified them. I get proud of my creations too -- my writing, art, music etc.
The steps help one with humility. This step in particular really requires it.
I think God/dess is helping me get better all the time regardless of whether or not I ask for His/Her help. I think God/dess helps me realize where I have failed when I am ready to face it. I know I don't have to be perfect to deserve justice (another hang-up of mine) I felt like the closer to perfection I got, the more likely I would be to get justice, and I resented that. I'm still not sure how to go about finding it, but getting better is the best revenge on "those people" who did "stuff" to me.
I have to remember that to live. To live I must recover. To recover I must do the steps. Simple, but not easy!
The 12x12 talks at length about the willingness to have our defects removed in this chapter. It also talks about how the vast majority of us aren't entirely willing to have them all removed. We often hang onto just a few of them.
Most of us who have been in recovery for awhile know that, given time, God will remove our defects if we so desire. Two of mine were impatience and a low frustration tolerance. They have miraculously gotten better for me. Oh, yes I did pray for patience. God tends to teach that one the hard way! I lost my connection to many friends and became homeless! This step was my third step! I prayed for patience and release from my low frustration tolerance even before I quit doing drugs.
It says in this chapter to go ahead and seek perfection (even though one will probably never find it.) I don't want to be perfect! That was my main reservation about this step, and apparently, it's quite common. I still have defects that I don't pray about. One of my main issues is the cigarette smoking -- I know I should quit! I know I would be healthier if I did quit! But, I can't seem to muster up the desire to quit. I can't seem to bring myself to ask my higher power to help me with quitting. Oh, when I've had to quit -- God/dess helped me with that -- I know S/He did. Part of me doesn't care if the smoking kills me to be honest.
I'm still discovering, or rather, identifying my defects -- the nature of my wrongs. I guess that's why they say this step is a "lifetime job."
Perhaps part of my problem is a touch of complacency. I am content for the most part with the person I am today.
It talks again in this chapter about the seven deadly sins. It explains why they aren't good to have or do. Many other traits besides those "sins" are not all bad. Sometimes it's hard to decide whether something is an asset, a defect, or a little of both. Something like stubbornness -- which can also be called persistence. Many of my traits have a positive and negative aspect. I tend to compartmentalize them in my mind and pray often to use them to the best possible outcome. I don't believe it is possible and possibly not even desirable to kill or lock away our dark side.... Sometimes we need it for self defense! It would not be good, however to let it rule us, as it tends to do when we are under the influence.
Soon I know I will ask God for help removing my slothful and proud tendencies. I am a great procrastinator. I am proud of my healing I've done -- when it was God who really did it. Perhaps I need to do another inventory on those defects because up until recently I never identified them. I get proud of my creations too -- my writing, art, music etc.
The steps help one with humility. This step in particular really requires it.
I think God/dess is helping me get better all the time regardless of whether or not I ask for His/Her help. I think God/dess helps me realize where I have failed when I am ready to face it. I know I don't have to be perfect to deserve justice (another hang-up of mine) I felt like the closer to perfection I got, the more likely I would be to get justice, and I resented that. I'm still not sure how to go about finding it, but getting better is the best revenge on "those people" who did "stuff" to me.
I have to remember that to live. To live I must recover. To recover I must do the steps. Simple, but not easy!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Step Five
"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
The 12x12 talks about the danger of bad secrets. They can eat us up alive. In my experience the three main causes of drug use/relapse are resentments, guilt and pain (emotional or physical.) Shame can be a killer too. It's important we don't keep secrets about these things. We need to heal to live. This step is the cleaning house step. We have to air out all of these "rooms" in our hearts and minds. We should not keep silence for these killers.
Usually this step involves sitting down with someone discreet that we trust and sharing our fourth step, as well as discussing what's on it. A lot of people choose their sponsor -- but it doesn't absolutely have to be a sponsor. When it is with a sponsor, it can really create a good intimacy -- a key ingredient in good relationships.
When I did this step I was told to pay particular attention to the phrase "the exact nature of our wrongs." That means we should examine the things we have done to find out why we did it. What is the underlying cause of those wrongs. It isn't good enough to just come up with a laundry list of evil deeds. Our deeds are not the defects. The defects are the underlying cause of the evil deeds.
We will find out we are not alone nor are our defects and evil deeds unique! What a relief that can be! Of course we have to find someone discreet we can trust. Preferrably someone who will share their similarities and similar stories. We can't have our evil deeds advertised to just any passerby -- especially if we've already been forgiven for them! We probably don't want to go to jail or be reported to the police.
I did this step within a month after doing my fourth step. I didn't really trust anyone in the institution where I did my treatment. I was afraid if I opened up to anyone who worked there, they'd report me and/or raise my meds or something else. My peers in treatment all had significantly less clean time then me, so I did not see any of them as an option. It was in between doing step four and five that I found my sponsor. She is a slim, feisty older woman, and I was pretty sure I could trust her discretion. She had significant clean time, is an addict as well as an alcoholic, and knew the steps. Still, I was a little bit anxious. I wasn't sure what would happen when I did my fifth step with her.... But I am not timid, so I did it anyway, and everything turned out fine. She seemed very understanding! My sponsor understands me mostly, and that is very valuable and good.
I guess that's when I realized I wasn't all that unique.
It says in the 12x12, "But, scarcely any step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind then this one." p. 55
I had a few things I really wanted to hide. Some of it was shame, guilt and pain over things I'd had done to me. This step really helped me sort out what was and wasn't my fault. To the best of my knowledge I didn't hold back on this step or skimp.... I can't really say I've experienced what it talks about in the 12x12 when people hold back on this step. But, by the time I did the step I really wanted my recovery and was willing to try just about anything. I can see the value of confessing to stuff now. It doesn't become acidic secrets then. I'm just not Catholic and can't see confessing to someone who puts themselves above me -- believes they are more righteous and doesn't share their own stuff with me. That's not intimacy to me.
That is another thing, we must be honest to have good relationships. I really wanted, after all the troublesome and bad relationships to have a good relationship or several. I've always believed communication is essential, and have also been frightened of intimacy to some extent.....
"Step Five was the answer. It was the beginning of true kinship with man and God." 12x12 pg. 57
We really aren't alone, and I am discovering more about myself all the time. This step helped me to stop making mountains of mole hills. It helped me to realize that God/dess forgave me, especially when I spilled my guts. It helped me realize I have God's Grace. It helped me to open up to strangers in the program too. I am no longer afraid to talk about my problems. I don't really have anything to hide and that is very freeing. I still exercise discretion, but most of what I did to others wasn't that bad. I can use that to help others.....
I am building good friendships with others. I have honesty, openmindedness and willingness in my relationships with others. Funny how things really seemed to improve that don't seem related to this step at all. I believe it changed my perceptions. I have escaped abusive relationships just for today, and I'm not perpetrating abuse on anyone else -- after all I don't really want to add new stuff to my inventory that is bad and have to confess it. I enjoy the freedom this step has given me.
The 12x12 talks about the danger of bad secrets. They can eat us up alive. In my experience the three main causes of drug use/relapse are resentments, guilt and pain (emotional or physical.) Shame can be a killer too. It's important we don't keep secrets about these things. We need to heal to live. This step is the cleaning house step. We have to air out all of these "rooms" in our hearts and minds. We should not keep silence for these killers.
Usually this step involves sitting down with someone discreet that we trust and sharing our fourth step, as well as discussing what's on it. A lot of people choose their sponsor -- but it doesn't absolutely have to be a sponsor. When it is with a sponsor, it can really create a good intimacy -- a key ingredient in good relationships.
When I did this step I was told to pay particular attention to the phrase "the exact nature of our wrongs." That means we should examine the things we have done to find out why we did it. What is the underlying cause of those wrongs. It isn't good enough to just come up with a laundry list of evil deeds. Our deeds are not the defects. The defects are the underlying cause of the evil deeds.
We will find out we are not alone nor are our defects and evil deeds unique! What a relief that can be! Of course we have to find someone discreet we can trust. Preferrably someone who will share their similarities and similar stories. We can't have our evil deeds advertised to just any passerby -- especially if we've already been forgiven for them! We probably don't want to go to jail or be reported to the police.
I did this step within a month after doing my fourth step. I didn't really trust anyone in the institution where I did my treatment. I was afraid if I opened up to anyone who worked there, they'd report me and/or raise my meds or something else. My peers in treatment all had significantly less clean time then me, so I did not see any of them as an option. It was in between doing step four and five that I found my sponsor. She is a slim, feisty older woman, and I was pretty sure I could trust her discretion. She had significant clean time, is an addict as well as an alcoholic, and knew the steps. Still, I was a little bit anxious. I wasn't sure what would happen when I did my fifth step with her.... But I am not timid, so I did it anyway, and everything turned out fine. She seemed very understanding! My sponsor understands me mostly, and that is very valuable and good.
I guess that's when I realized I wasn't all that unique.
It says in the 12x12, "But, scarcely any step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind then this one." p. 55
I had a few things I really wanted to hide. Some of it was shame, guilt and pain over things I'd had done to me. This step really helped me sort out what was and wasn't my fault. To the best of my knowledge I didn't hold back on this step or skimp.... I can't really say I've experienced what it talks about in the 12x12 when people hold back on this step. But, by the time I did the step I really wanted my recovery and was willing to try just about anything. I can see the value of confessing to stuff now. It doesn't become acidic secrets then. I'm just not Catholic and can't see confessing to someone who puts themselves above me -- believes they are more righteous and doesn't share their own stuff with me. That's not intimacy to me.
That is another thing, we must be honest to have good relationships. I really wanted, after all the troublesome and bad relationships to have a good relationship or several. I've always believed communication is essential, and have also been frightened of intimacy to some extent.....
"Step Five was the answer. It was the beginning of true kinship with man and God." 12x12 pg. 57
We really aren't alone, and I am discovering more about myself all the time. This step helped me to stop making mountains of mole hills. It helped me to realize that God/dess forgave me, especially when I spilled my guts. It helped me realize I have God's Grace. It helped me to open up to strangers in the program too. I am no longer afraid to talk about my problems. I don't really have anything to hide and that is very freeing. I still exercise discretion, but most of what I did to others wasn't that bad. I can use that to help others.....
I am building good friendships with others. I have honesty, openmindedness and willingness in my relationships with others. Funny how things really seemed to improve that don't seem related to this step at all. I believe it changed my perceptions. I have escaped abusive relationships just for today, and I'm not perpetrating abuse on anyone else -- after all I don't really want to add new stuff to my inventory that is bad and have to confess it. I enjoy the freedom this step has given me.
Step Four
"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
The 12x12 talks about how the vast majority of defects are instincts gone astray. We have instincts for survival, for emotional and material security and for sex according to the 12x12. When those things are threatened -- it can cause fears (or anxieties.) I prefer to call them needs since true instincts are reactions to stimulus that can't be helped and I was taught that only animals have true instincts. Anxiety, which is like fear, has nothing to do with real life or death situations. Anxieties and other defects are a problem that comes in when we avoid straightforward ways to get what we need. We often try to manipulate people, places and things into giving us what we need.
Facing oneself is a common theme in many myths and stories for the hero of whatever quest he or she is on. How can we face the Truth, if we are blind to ourselves. It wouldn't be truth then. The truth is we all have a higher power, but we will not develop the faith that our higher power truly cares for our whole selves until we acknowledge for ourselves what is really there. "We have drunk to drown feelings of fear, frustration and depression...." 12x12, p 44. We must face these things in ourselves in order to move forward.
God cannot work through us if we do not face ourselves. We all need to discover that we are loved, and, yes, often even forgiven for the things we have done. We need to know what is there.
Our brains cannot hold all the information about ourselves all at once. It is somewhat necessary to write out this step, lest we forget what needs "repairing."
It was a long time in recovery for me before I found out I really need to write out my inventory. This gave me the time to figure out why I needed to write it out, too. It wasn't until I was in recovery over four and a half years that I did this step. I, like most people I know, put it off. I had several excuses for doing so. "I know myself already very well." "I don't trust anyone here in treatment well enough." "I don't know how to do an inventory." "I don't know where to start." Even, "It's too much work!" I was still recovering, no doubt, in spite of not doing an inventory, because I stopped obsessing over marijuana anyway. My excuses were all versions of, "Pride says, 'You need not pass this way.'" 12x12 pg. 49
I was above such remedial work I thought!
This statement was me during my using days -- "As we morbidly pursue this melancholy activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution." pg. 45 Oblivion and/or being wasted past the point of any coherent thought seemed attractive often when I was using. I just didn't want to feel any more pain or think anymore about the scary stuff that had happened to me and loved ones. It also says, "Here, of course, we have lost all perspective, and therefore all genuine humility. For this is pride in reverse." pg 45. I was certainly the depressive type they were talking about in that paragraph. And I was somewhat proud of surviving all the crap I survived.
I have good news, however; pride is curable!
It says in the 12x12 that most defects are the same as the seven deadly sins.
I did my fourth step just before I acquired a sponsor. It wasn't a laundry list. I tried to use complete sentences. I don't think there is any "set in stone" way of doing the fourth step. Looking back its hard to see exactly why I put it off for so long. It was simple and there really weren't any surprises. It did make me feel better about myself -- it gave me a solid idea of what my assets are and subsequently what I could use them for! Feeling better was the surprise in this exercise. I think I was relieved mostly because it didn't go on and on and on. There was a limit to my "sins."
I try to be realistic and I applied that to my fourth step. I refused to take the blame in my inventory for things that weren't my fault.
"As we persist, a brand new kind of confidence is born, and the sense of relief at finally facing ourselves is indescribable." 12x12 p. 50
The 12x12 talks about how recovery is more then sobriety. Recovery is about finding good health. Many of my own defects led me to addiction -- I was too proud to go see a doctor, for example. I thought I had all I needed to survive within me, thank you very much! We really, however, can't stay sober if we are sick in our souls. The expression "sick and tired" is a very apt expression. We often fall into addiction when we are sick and tired -- when we are sick of ourselves and maybe too lazy to look at why.
But, see, I know myself much better now and can watch for my downfalls within myself. I KNOW what I have. And that is truly a relief. It helps me figure out what I need from God and/or others. Step four has helped me find more tolerance for others, too!
The 12x12 talks about how the vast majority of defects are instincts gone astray. We have instincts for survival, for emotional and material security and for sex according to the 12x12. When those things are threatened -- it can cause fears (or anxieties.) I prefer to call them needs since true instincts are reactions to stimulus that can't be helped and I was taught that only animals have true instincts. Anxiety, which is like fear, has nothing to do with real life or death situations. Anxieties and other defects are a problem that comes in when we avoid straightforward ways to get what we need. We often try to manipulate people, places and things into giving us what we need.
Facing oneself is a common theme in many myths and stories for the hero of whatever quest he or she is on. How can we face the Truth, if we are blind to ourselves. It wouldn't be truth then. The truth is we all have a higher power, but we will not develop the faith that our higher power truly cares for our whole selves until we acknowledge for ourselves what is really there. "We have drunk to drown feelings of fear, frustration and depression...." 12x12, p 44. We must face these things in ourselves in order to move forward.
God cannot work through us if we do not face ourselves. We all need to discover that we are loved, and, yes, often even forgiven for the things we have done. We need to know what is there.
Our brains cannot hold all the information about ourselves all at once. It is somewhat necessary to write out this step, lest we forget what needs "repairing."
It was a long time in recovery for me before I found out I really need to write out my inventory. This gave me the time to figure out why I needed to write it out, too. It wasn't until I was in recovery over four and a half years that I did this step. I, like most people I know, put it off. I had several excuses for doing so. "I know myself already very well." "I don't trust anyone here in treatment well enough." "I don't know how to do an inventory." "I don't know where to start." Even, "It's too much work!" I was still recovering, no doubt, in spite of not doing an inventory, because I stopped obsessing over marijuana anyway. My excuses were all versions of, "Pride says, 'You need not pass this way.'" 12x12 pg. 49
I was above such remedial work I thought!
This statement was me during my using days -- "As we morbidly pursue this melancholy activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution." pg. 45 Oblivion and/or being wasted past the point of any coherent thought seemed attractive often when I was using. I just didn't want to feel any more pain or think anymore about the scary stuff that had happened to me and loved ones. It also says, "Here, of course, we have lost all perspective, and therefore all genuine humility. For this is pride in reverse." pg 45. I was certainly the depressive type they were talking about in that paragraph. And I was somewhat proud of surviving all the crap I survived.
I have good news, however; pride is curable!
It says in the 12x12 that most defects are the same as the seven deadly sins.
I did my fourth step just before I acquired a sponsor. It wasn't a laundry list. I tried to use complete sentences. I don't think there is any "set in stone" way of doing the fourth step. Looking back its hard to see exactly why I put it off for so long. It was simple and there really weren't any surprises. It did make me feel better about myself -- it gave me a solid idea of what my assets are and subsequently what I could use them for! Feeling better was the surprise in this exercise. I think I was relieved mostly because it didn't go on and on and on. There was a limit to my "sins."
I try to be realistic and I applied that to my fourth step. I refused to take the blame in my inventory for things that weren't my fault.
"As we persist, a brand new kind of confidence is born, and the sense of relief at finally facing ourselves is indescribable." 12x12 p. 50
The 12x12 talks about how recovery is more then sobriety. Recovery is about finding good health. Many of my own defects led me to addiction -- I was too proud to go see a doctor, for example. I thought I had all I needed to survive within me, thank you very much! We really, however, can't stay sober if we are sick in our souls. The expression "sick and tired" is a very apt expression. We often fall into addiction when we are sick and tired -- when we are sick of ourselves and maybe too lazy to look at why.
But, see, I know myself much better now and can watch for my downfalls within myself. I KNOW what I have. And that is truly a relief. It helps me figure out what I need from God and/or others. Step four has helped me find more tolerance for others, too!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Step Three
"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
Step three is where my recovery from a lot of things started.
I did the steps basically out of order. I picked step ten out of the list of steps when I'd first checked them out as a teen. It sounded good to me to keep checking one's behavior and making amends for things done wrong.
When I did step three I was alone in my apartment in Bellingham. I had been smoking marijuana for about three years at that time. I was very scared when I did it. I didn't really do the step because I wanted to quit drugs.... I did it because I was afraid of the devil. At the time I thought the devil was trying to steal my soul or my body and do awful things with it to others. I thought, too, the devil was trying to tempt me to do evil things to my baby girl. I was having rape hallucinations that were worse at night and when the baby would breastfeed. I thought these hallucinations were demons raping me. It never occurred to me that they were just hallucinations -- after all it felt like something was actually touching my body. I said I turn over my mind, body, heart, soul and will to God.
Funny, but when all the chaos started at the coffee shop I was volunteering at -- where I started smoking pot and hallucinating -- fellow smokers who volunteered there were talking about merging their wills with Spirit's will.
I've had many concepts of God throughout my life. At that time I saw God like a stone giant who had long flowing white hair and beard. I'd also seen God as a Goddess. My Higher Power for a long time was just the Universe. I kept coming back to the concept of God as a nebulous, genderless entity that really had no shape but was everwhere. I called this entity Spirit, because that was the popular name for God in my circle of "friends" at the time. But, even the Bibble says there is more then one entity that makes up "God" (The Father, the Son, and the Holy (or Great) Spirit.) I just happened to, and still do believe there is a Goddess in the equation.
I just knew I didn't want anything to do with the devil. You see -- I'd been raped several times as a little girl and I just knew the devil orchestrated that. Although I didn't really trust or even like God too much at that point, I turned my whole self over to Him/Her. I wasn't sure, at the time, what people meant when they talked about God's love, and I did not feel that Jesus did love me. However, that was a better option then giving in to the devil. I wanted make sure that I, with my will, didn't violate my values and hurt someone -- and, well, God had never attacked me.....
Things did change after that. I had several things to recover from. I really belonged in alanon before I became addicted. I was very codependent on my "best friend" at the time. I'm sure God's will for me at that time was to get healthy. S/He just wasn't going to be the one to perform that big of a miracle and hela me. I had three stalkers too, and the police were convinced I was just crazy. One of them was a violent ex boyfriend. My daughter's father was exhibiting stalking behavior. The third one was a drug connection that had been accused of being a child molester. I was in a very dangerous situation in addition to being paranoid, and I was basically chased out of my apartment and that town. Another drug connection was starting to scare me too. I ended up taking off with my daughter in the middle of the night and hitchhiking with her out of town.
I think God helped chase me out of that town, too. I remember that the bushes around my apartment started to resemble monsters and they stayed that way for weeks. The shadows of tree branches on the wall looked like monsters too. Nightly I'd hear noises outside the windows. I kept hearing scratching on the outer walls and other things. Seeing Jesus' face in the wood grain of my cupboards and in the tree branches outside was a bit scary too. I was also hearing voices....
I think God's will for me at that time was for me to get away from that town and out of danger.
I got picked up in Montana with my baby. They took her away from me. After a suicide attempt sparked by a painful hallucination that my soul was being eaten by some dark amorphous entity combined with the certaintly I'd never get my daughter back, I was locked up in a mental health ward. They finally diagnosed me with psychosis NOS. I was still not seeing that it was God's will for me to get better. I did not like any of the medications they gave me, and had not told anyone about my depression or sought treatment for that.
After I gave her up for adoption because of seemingly impossible odds combined with some unfair treatment, I lost my place to live.
I'm sure now that God really wanted me to get away from the addicts I was associating with. At that time, I was still sure that pot came from God and it was perfectly okay to smoke it! But, I no longer trusted my connections especially since they either didn't care about or seemed threats to my daughter.
I ended up wandering around the U.S.A.. I learned from all this that God won't take our free will away from us no matter what. But, I also learned that God wants to be in our hearts. While on the road, I felt Jesus trying to get into my heart. I saw powerful imagery to that effect in my head too that would not go away. I decided that was alright with me, and let Him in. It was a very strong experience. I ended up talking a lot to Him after that. I began to understand that God did love me and began to feel it shortly thereafter. My self esteem began to improve even while I was doing drugs.
I was forced to quit the drugs. I was locked up, pretty much until I had made peace with my medications, go through treatment and was actually on the right medications. I began to realize things. I realized that God (or the Spirit) was love and that God did love me. I realized that God wants us to be healthy and free. I also realized that God wants us to find real happiness.
It says in the 12x12 that dependence upon our higher power makes us more independent. I can testify to that! It frees us from dependence upon others. God provides much of what we need and it frees us from manipulation -- both our own and other people's.
When I did this step again (in order this time) it was much easier then the first time. It was very scary the first time. I no longer felt insane or codependent on anyone, and I am a fairly happy individual. Within reason, I've found that God wants me to be comfortable too. What a pleasant surprise that is!
Step three is where my recovery from a lot of things started.
I did the steps basically out of order. I picked step ten out of the list of steps when I'd first checked them out as a teen. It sounded good to me to keep checking one's behavior and making amends for things done wrong.
When I did step three I was alone in my apartment in Bellingham. I had been smoking marijuana for about three years at that time. I was very scared when I did it. I didn't really do the step because I wanted to quit drugs.... I did it because I was afraid of the devil. At the time I thought the devil was trying to steal my soul or my body and do awful things with it to others. I thought, too, the devil was trying to tempt me to do evil things to my baby girl. I was having rape hallucinations that were worse at night and when the baby would breastfeed. I thought these hallucinations were demons raping me. It never occurred to me that they were just hallucinations -- after all it felt like something was actually touching my body. I said I turn over my mind, body, heart, soul and will to God.
Funny, but when all the chaos started at the coffee shop I was volunteering at -- where I started smoking pot and hallucinating -- fellow smokers who volunteered there were talking about merging their wills with Spirit's will.
I've had many concepts of God throughout my life. At that time I saw God like a stone giant who had long flowing white hair and beard. I'd also seen God as a Goddess. My Higher Power for a long time was just the Universe. I kept coming back to the concept of God as a nebulous, genderless entity that really had no shape but was everwhere. I called this entity Spirit, because that was the popular name for God in my circle of "friends" at the time. But, even the Bibble says there is more then one entity that makes up "God" (The Father, the Son, and the Holy (or Great) Spirit.) I just happened to, and still do believe there is a Goddess in the equation.
I just knew I didn't want anything to do with the devil. You see -- I'd been raped several times as a little girl and I just knew the devil orchestrated that. Although I didn't really trust or even like God too much at that point, I turned my whole self over to Him/Her. I wasn't sure, at the time, what people meant when they talked about God's love, and I did not feel that Jesus did love me. However, that was a better option then giving in to the devil. I wanted make sure that I, with my will, didn't violate my values and hurt someone -- and, well, God had never attacked me.....
Things did change after that. I had several things to recover from. I really belonged in alanon before I became addicted. I was very codependent on my "best friend" at the time. I'm sure God's will for me at that time was to get healthy. S/He just wasn't going to be the one to perform that big of a miracle and hela me. I had three stalkers too, and the police were convinced I was just crazy. One of them was a violent ex boyfriend. My daughter's father was exhibiting stalking behavior. The third one was a drug connection that had been accused of being a child molester. I was in a very dangerous situation in addition to being paranoid, and I was basically chased out of my apartment and that town. Another drug connection was starting to scare me too. I ended up taking off with my daughter in the middle of the night and hitchhiking with her out of town.
I think God helped chase me out of that town, too. I remember that the bushes around my apartment started to resemble monsters and they stayed that way for weeks. The shadows of tree branches on the wall looked like monsters too. Nightly I'd hear noises outside the windows. I kept hearing scratching on the outer walls and other things. Seeing Jesus' face in the wood grain of my cupboards and in the tree branches outside was a bit scary too. I was also hearing voices....
I think God's will for me at that time was for me to get away from that town and out of danger.
I got picked up in Montana with my baby. They took her away from me. After a suicide attempt sparked by a painful hallucination that my soul was being eaten by some dark amorphous entity combined with the certaintly I'd never get my daughter back, I was locked up in a mental health ward. They finally diagnosed me with psychosis NOS. I was still not seeing that it was God's will for me to get better. I did not like any of the medications they gave me, and had not told anyone about my depression or sought treatment for that.
After I gave her up for adoption because of seemingly impossible odds combined with some unfair treatment, I lost my place to live.
I'm sure now that God really wanted me to get away from the addicts I was associating with. At that time, I was still sure that pot came from God and it was perfectly okay to smoke it! But, I no longer trusted my connections especially since they either didn't care about or seemed threats to my daughter.
I ended up wandering around the U.S.A.. I learned from all this that God won't take our free will away from us no matter what. But, I also learned that God wants to be in our hearts. While on the road, I felt Jesus trying to get into my heart. I saw powerful imagery to that effect in my head too that would not go away. I decided that was alright with me, and let Him in. It was a very strong experience. I ended up talking a lot to Him after that. I began to understand that God did love me and began to feel it shortly thereafter. My self esteem began to improve even while I was doing drugs.
I was forced to quit the drugs. I was locked up, pretty much until I had made peace with my medications, go through treatment and was actually on the right medications. I began to realize things. I realized that God (or the Spirit) was love and that God did love me. I realized that God wants us to be healthy and free. I also realized that God wants us to find real happiness.
It says in the 12x12 that dependence upon our higher power makes us more independent. I can testify to that! It frees us from dependence upon others. God provides much of what we need and it frees us from manipulation -- both our own and other people's.
When I did this step again (in order this time) it was much easier then the first time. It was very scary the first time. I no longer felt insane or codependent on anyone, and I am a fairly happy individual. Within reason, I've found that God wants me to be comfortable too. What a pleasant surprise that is!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Step Two
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
There was way too much insanity in my life when I was using drugs and stuff.... I had no faith whatsoever that my Goddess would remove it from me!
The 12x12 says there are three types of addicts: those who won't believe in God, those who can't and those who do believe in God but don't have the kind of faith it takes. I was the third kind of addict.
Some people don't believe that clinical depression is a form of insanity. I believe it is. It makes no sense, and has little basis in reality. Oh sure, when I was going through it, my mind was convinced there had to be some reason for it. I latched onto whatever bad episodes had occurred in my life and blamed it on those. I've been through sexual, physical, psychological and emotional abuse in addition to losing my mother at the tender age of three. Surely that was enough to have caused depression. The thing is, those incidents shouldn't have caused 20+ years of suicidal ideation. I really believe those incidents caused my PTSD -- of which I have most symptoms.
My insanity was what led me to use drugs. I tried everything before drugs I could think of (except doctors and medication) to get rid of it. I studied all kinds of occult, prayed to many different deities, studied Buddhism in depth and sought enlightenment. I even tried atheism at various periods during my life. I did all kinds of religious rituals. I stuck with the ones that seemed to work, and discarded the ones that didn't. But nothing relieved the insanity. My poor self esteem (which goes hand in hand with depression most of the time) led me to stay in abusive relationships much longer then I should have. Those abusive "relationships," of course, only made things worse.... I'm a little bit stoic at times, feisty and not the type to hole up and pull covers over my head. I didn't try suicide till I was in my late twenties. Life was a constant battle between me, myself and I -- digging for reasons to stay alive. My mother's death probably kept me from trying suicide for many many years. I didn't want to do that to my oldest daughter.... I would get up and get out of the house at least once a day. I didn't want to complain about something as unacceptable in my family as simple feelings. Quite simply I hid the way I was really feeling quite often.
I figured if God was real, She or He would take my depression away just because I prayed that S/He would.
Things got much worse when I started using drugs. It was around the time I started smoking marijuana all the time that I really developed serious psychosis.... I went off my meds quite often and finally stayed off them for the entire three years I was homeless. I had a lot of practice at pretending everything was okay. I had many people that did not spend a lot of time around me snowed that everything was okay and I was totally sane. I kind of have an ear for what people want to hear anyway.
The meds didn't help with the depression (which I still wasn't communicating about) and I was sure they wouldn't help with the rape hallucinations (which scared the crap out of me.)
It says in the 12x12 "obviously, the dilemma of the wanderer from faith is that of profound confusion..... He is the bewildered one." I was very confused. I still am, to some degree. I'm still not sure why God/dess doesn't want to take my schizophrenia away and if S/He can't -- why not? I mean, I tried faith in all sorts of forms to relieve it. I had to accept that God/dess works through doctors and probably helped the doctors and scientists develop the medications I take that work so well. I had to accept that faith in God involves listening to and communicating with others what is really going on.
My Higher Power is love. I've always known love is powerful. It can heal wounds. I just don't know if it can heal brains....
The reason my higher power is love is because when I was in jail, I got a bookmark that said God is Love.
Many things that had happened in the past convinced me that this is true. It seems like the Godless types in my family and in my life were lacking in spirituality too. I've been in several situations where I could just feel "the love in the room," and I wasn't alone in that. It always made me feel better. The fact that it was "in the room" and others could feel it helped convince me. It helped make sense out of the fact that people tend to fall in love with each other instead of people just falling in unrequitted love all the time. I always knew that God was everywhere, and love is everywhere too. Animals feel love. I liked the idea of love making the world go around. This concept freed me from believing or feeling obligated to believe everything people say and have said about God. It helped me to sort out the truth from the lies. I know God isn't capable of anything but loving behavior and it gave me peace and reassurance that there is such a thing as divine forgiveness, grace and tolerance..... God loves us and wants us to love ourselves as well as others.
It was God who relieved me of addiction. God and Goddess put me in a place where I could get treated for all my insanity instead of sending me to prison (for the crime I committed.) I guess love has to flow between people too, for it to work it's miracles..... So, love did restore me to sanity -- although it certainly wasn't what I pictured at all.
It's okay to be disgusted with religion in AA and NA. I get disgusted with dogma a lot. I know that love touches all people (although many people don't want anything to do with it, after all). This concept convinces me that God doesn't turn his back on anyone. That whatever religion or culture people belong to doesn't really matter, because unless someone is truly evil, they will be brought to a better place when they die.... Love is AWESOME.
There was way too much insanity in my life when I was using drugs and stuff.... I had no faith whatsoever that my Goddess would remove it from me!
The 12x12 says there are three types of addicts: those who won't believe in God, those who can't and those who do believe in God but don't have the kind of faith it takes. I was the third kind of addict.
Some people don't believe that clinical depression is a form of insanity. I believe it is. It makes no sense, and has little basis in reality. Oh sure, when I was going through it, my mind was convinced there had to be some reason for it. I latched onto whatever bad episodes had occurred in my life and blamed it on those. I've been through sexual, physical, psychological and emotional abuse in addition to losing my mother at the tender age of three. Surely that was enough to have caused depression. The thing is, those incidents shouldn't have caused 20+ years of suicidal ideation. I really believe those incidents caused my PTSD -- of which I have most symptoms.
My insanity was what led me to use drugs. I tried everything before drugs I could think of (except doctors and medication) to get rid of it. I studied all kinds of occult, prayed to many different deities, studied Buddhism in depth and sought enlightenment. I even tried atheism at various periods during my life. I did all kinds of religious rituals. I stuck with the ones that seemed to work, and discarded the ones that didn't. But nothing relieved the insanity. My poor self esteem (which goes hand in hand with depression most of the time) led me to stay in abusive relationships much longer then I should have. Those abusive "relationships," of course, only made things worse.... I'm a little bit stoic at times, feisty and not the type to hole up and pull covers over my head. I didn't try suicide till I was in my late twenties. Life was a constant battle between me, myself and I -- digging for reasons to stay alive. My mother's death probably kept me from trying suicide for many many years. I didn't want to do that to my oldest daughter.... I would get up and get out of the house at least once a day. I didn't want to complain about something as unacceptable in my family as simple feelings. Quite simply I hid the way I was really feeling quite often.
I figured if God was real, She or He would take my depression away just because I prayed that S/He would.
Things got much worse when I started using drugs. It was around the time I started smoking marijuana all the time that I really developed serious psychosis.... I went off my meds quite often and finally stayed off them for the entire three years I was homeless. I had a lot of practice at pretending everything was okay. I had many people that did not spend a lot of time around me snowed that everything was okay and I was totally sane. I kind of have an ear for what people want to hear anyway.
The meds didn't help with the depression (which I still wasn't communicating about) and I was sure they wouldn't help with the rape hallucinations (which scared the crap out of me.)
It says in the 12x12 "obviously, the dilemma of the wanderer from faith is that of profound confusion..... He is the bewildered one." I was very confused. I still am, to some degree. I'm still not sure why God/dess doesn't want to take my schizophrenia away and if S/He can't -- why not? I mean, I tried faith in all sorts of forms to relieve it. I had to accept that God/dess works through doctors and probably helped the doctors and scientists develop the medications I take that work so well. I had to accept that faith in God involves listening to and communicating with others what is really going on.
My Higher Power is love. I've always known love is powerful. It can heal wounds. I just don't know if it can heal brains....
The reason my higher power is love is because when I was in jail, I got a bookmark that said God is Love.
Many things that had happened in the past convinced me that this is true. It seems like the Godless types in my family and in my life were lacking in spirituality too. I've been in several situations where I could just feel "the love in the room," and I wasn't alone in that. It always made me feel better. The fact that it was "in the room" and others could feel it helped convince me. It helped make sense out of the fact that people tend to fall in love with each other instead of people just falling in unrequitted love all the time. I always knew that God was everywhere, and love is everywhere too. Animals feel love. I liked the idea of love making the world go around. This concept freed me from believing or feeling obligated to believe everything people say and have said about God. It helped me to sort out the truth from the lies. I know God isn't capable of anything but loving behavior and it gave me peace and reassurance that there is such a thing as divine forgiveness, grace and tolerance..... God loves us and wants us to love ourselves as well as others.
It was God who relieved me of addiction. God and Goddess put me in a place where I could get treated for all my insanity instead of sending me to prison (for the crime I committed.) I guess love has to flow between people too, for it to work it's miracles..... So, love did restore me to sanity -- although it certainly wasn't what I pictured at all.
It's okay to be disgusted with religion in AA and NA. I get disgusted with dogma a lot. I know that love touches all people (although many people don't want anything to do with it, after all). This concept convinces me that God doesn't turn his back on anyone. That whatever religion or culture people belong to doesn't really matter, because unless someone is truly evil, they will be brought to a better place when they die.... Love is AWESOME.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Step One
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable"
The 12 x 12 talks about this step as being one where we admit defeat. Defeat implies that we've been battling something and lost.
What a battle being addicted really is....We constantly fight with ourselves mostly, and often with others. We definitely battle (in our heads at least) with the drink or the drug. We often want to quit while we're still ahead. We usually want to quit when we are humiliated or shamed. We definitely want to quit when it is no longer fun. The battle usually begins when we wanna "come down" and can't. The battle begins when we're sick and tired of being sick and tired. Often the battle involves tussling with the police, other people, and sometimes predators. And the more inebriated we are the less sense it, or we, make. "It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such and obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us." says the 12x12 on step one. Alcohol and substances aren't alive -- they don't tire of kicking our behinds. Often the only thing to do is crawl away on our knees from such things. The 12x12 talks about how humiliating this can be. It is like being stripped naked in front of God/dess and sometimes it does mean being stripped naked. We have to admit to ourselves we are beaten in this battle before we can crawl away from it.
I was so used to fighting with myself and my pain, anger, resentments and bizarre thinking that when I became addicted, I didn't notice any difference for quite some time. I was quite the veteran of a thousand little psychic wars. My relationships and finances were unmanageable for quite some time before I became addicted. It was noticable, however, when life did the impossible and became even more unmanageable. I did blame all the unmanageability on the marijuana.... but I was convinced I was still smoking it all the time because I wanted to. I was totally out of it when I lost my apartment and so unable to function I couldn't even think about moving out much less doing it! I was unable to find a new place, etc. I ended up homeless for three years after that.
I was battling drug and alcohol abuse for quite some time before I even picked up anything. Other people in my immediate family and circle of friends were (and most still are) addicts and alcoholics. I got so fed up with addiction I thought I'd show them all! I started smoking marijuana..... (all the time) It relieved my depression for about an hour, made me feel sparkly and bubbly, and gave me an instant circle of "friends." It cost me the "friends" to snobby to smoke it cause they were doing "cooler" drugs and stuff, but I didn't mind too much. I was sick of "those people" anyway! I felt defeated.... I just didn't admit it.
Unmanageability was easy for me to admit. It was easy to see. My life fit every definition of unmanageability there is....
I was forced to quit.
I ended up in treatment after 3 1/2 years of being locked up (for trying to drag other addicts down with me....) I argued with them that I wasn't an addict. I was "just" self medicating is all. I argued with the recommendation that I stop drinking as well as drugging in my head a lot. Could always control the alcohol use was my argument.... why would anything change? When I started treatment I fully intended to go back to my self medication. Something changed though during the treatment. I started thinking that maybe using marijuana wasn't helpful at all. They had just switched my meds for my mental illnesses and they worked wonderfully.... My head started to work well. My personality returned. I did not do the steps in treatment but I did go to several meetings and AODA classes and did lots and lots of listening. I praised myself and felt very grateful I had never touched cocaine.
Powerlessness was an entirely different story when it came to me admitting it. I, however, had the dubious "luxury" of being locked up for the first four and a half years of my recovery. It says in the 12x12 that we need to admit this defeat before we can have quality recovery. I did not admit that I was an addict until I had been recovering for five years. I thought, while in treatment, that I could get away with drinking when I got out. Certainly I could sneak around and have a one two or a few and not get caught. I didn't think the rule that addicts need to give up alcohol too applied to me. I thought I would do that for sure when I was released.
It must have been my higher power that kept me sober though -- because I never did.
What made it occur to me that I had been powerless over the marijuana was the things I did. I smoked in front of small children. I smoked and then drove around (without a license -- mind you). Never got caught driving under the influence -- or without the license. I don't know if that was really all that "fortunate." What was fortunate was that I never got in any accidents either.....
I'm pretty sure that if I did drink my inhibitions against using would disappear just as I'm told they would. I have no tolerance to alcohol. I get drunk easily and throw up, without fail, after three drinks. Drinking never was much fun for me.... Marijuana, however, I have a very high tolerance to, and drinking did make me want to smoke it in the past....
The changes that occurred after this admission on my part were subtle and definite. I didn't feel quite so alienated. I clung to the third tradition which states that to be a member of AA one only has to have the desire to quit drinking. I don't think it really matters that I'm not officially an alcoholic. I can't handle the kind of predatory male types that NA seems to attract. There is safety in numbers and there are more people in AA and a lot of them seem more innocent to me. After all, most of the men who preyed on me before I became an addict were addicts and/or dealers. I do desire to quit drinking. I don't like it for one, and I don't want to go back to drugs under any circumstance. That just convinces me more that I was, indeed, powerless.
I had to tell myself when I first did step one -- I am powerless over the effects of the drug. I did that so I could move on in the steps. Whatever keeps me (or anyone) in recovery and works for them, is probably correct.... If I hadn't done it that way I never would have moved on I'm sure.....
The 12 x 12 talks about this step as being one where we admit defeat. Defeat implies that we've been battling something and lost.
What a battle being addicted really is....We constantly fight with ourselves mostly, and often with others. We definitely battle (in our heads at least) with the drink or the drug. We often want to quit while we're still ahead. We usually want to quit when we are humiliated or shamed. We definitely want to quit when it is no longer fun. The battle usually begins when we wanna "come down" and can't. The battle begins when we're sick and tired of being sick and tired. Often the battle involves tussling with the police, other people, and sometimes predators. And the more inebriated we are the less sense it, or we, make. "It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such and obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us." says the 12x12 on step one. Alcohol and substances aren't alive -- they don't tire of kicking our behinds. Often the only thing to do is crawl away on our knees from such things. The 12x12 talks about how humiliating this can be. It is like being stripped naked in front of God/dess and sometimes it does mean being stripped naked. We have to admit to ourselves we are beaten in this battle before we can crawl away from it.
I was so used to fighting with myself and my pain, anger, resentments and bizarre thinking that when I became addicted, I didn't notice any difference for quite some time. I was quite the veteran of a thousand little psychic wars. My relationships and finances were unmanageable for quite some time before I became addicted. It was noticable, however, when life did the impossible and became even more unmanageable. I did blame all the unmanageability on the marijuana.... but I was convinced I was still smoking it all the time because I wanted to. I was totally out of it when I lost my apartment and so unable to function I couldn't even think about moving out much less doing it! I was unable to find a new place, etc. I ended up homeless for three years after that.
I was battling drug and alcohol abuse for quite some time before I even picked up anything. Other people in my immediate family and circle of friends were (and most still are) addicts and alcoholics. I got so fed up with addiction I thought I'd show them all! I started smoking marijuana..... (all the time) It relieved my depression for about an hour, made me feel sparkly and bubbly, and gave me an instant circle of "friends." It cost me the "friends" to snobby to smoke it cause they were doing "cooler" drugs and stuff, but I didn't mind too much. I was sick of "those people" anyway! I felt defeated.... I just didn't admit it.
Unmanageability was easy for me to admit. It was easy to see. My life fit every definition of unmanageability there is....
I was forced to quit.
I ended up in treatment after 3 1/2 years of being locked up (for trying to drag other addicts down with me....) I argued with them that I wasn't an addict. I was "just" self medicating is all. I argued with the recommendation that I stop drinking as well as drugging in my head a lot. Could always control the alcohol use was my argument.... why would anything change? When I started treatment I fully intended to go back to my self medication. Something changed though during the treatment. I started thinking that maybe using marijuana wasn't helpful at all. They had just switched my meds for my mental illnesses and they worked wonderfully.... My head started to work well. My personality returned. I did not do the steps in treatment but I did go to several meetings and AODA classes and did lots and lots of listening. I praised myself and felt very grateful I had never touched cocaine.
Powerlessness was an entirely different story when it came to me admitting it. I, however, had the dubious "luxury" of being locked up for the first four and a half years of my recovery. It says in the 12x12 that we need to admit this defeat before we can have quality recovery. I did not admit that I was an addict until I had been recovering for five years. I thought, while in treatment, that I could get away with drinking when I got out. Certainly I could sneak around and have a one two or a few and not get caught. I didn't think the rule that addicts need to give up alcohol too applied to me. I thought I would do that for sure when I was released.
It must have been my higher power that kept me sober though -- because I never did.
What made it occur to me that I had been powerless over the marijuana was the things I did. I smoked in front of small children. I smoked and then drove around (without a license -- mind you). Never got caught driving under the influence -- or without the license. I don't know if that was really all that "fortunate." What was fortunate was that I never got in any accidents either.....
I'm pretty sure that if I did drink my inhibitions against using would disappear just as I'm told they would. I have no tolerance to alcohol. I get drunk easily and throw up, without fail, after three drinks. Drinking never was much fun for me.... Marijuana, however, I have a very high tolerance to, and drinking did make me want to smoke it in the past....
The changes that occurred after this admission on my part were subtle and definite. I didn't feel quite so alienated. I clung to the third tradition which states that to be a member of AA one only has to have the desire to quit drinking. I don't think it really matters that I'm not officially an alcoholic. I can't handle the kind of predatory male types that NA seems to attract. There is safety in numbers and there are more people in AA and a lot of them seem more innocent to me. After all, most of the men who preyed on me before I became an addict were addicts and/or dealers. I do desire to quit drinking. I don't like it for one, and I don't want to go back to drugs under any circumstance. That just convinces me more that I was, indeed, powerless.
I had to tell myself when I first did step one -- I am powerless over the effects of the drug. I did that so I could move on in the steps. Whatever keeps me (or anyone) in recovery and works for them, is probably correct.... If I hadn't done it that way I never would have moved on I'm sure.....
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