Step Five

"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

The 12x12 talks about the danger of bad secrets. They can eat us up alive. In my experience the three main causes of drug use/relapse are resentments, guilt and pain (emotional or physical.) Shame can be a killer too. It's important we don't keep secrets about these things. We need to heal to live. This step is the cleaning house step. We have to air out all of these "rooms" in our hearts and minds. We should not keep silence for these killers.

Usually this step involves sitting down with someone discreet that we trust and sharing our fourth step, as well as discussing what's on it. A lot of people choose their sponsor -- but it doesn't absolutely have to be a sponsor. When it is with a sponsor, it can really create a good intimacy -- a key ingredient in good relationships.

When I did this step I was told to pay particular attention to the phrase "the exact nature of our wrongs." That means we should examine the things we have done to find out why we did it. What is the underlying cause of those wrongs. It isn't good enough to just come up with a laundry list of evil deeds. Our deeds are not the defects. The defects are the underlying cause of the evil deeds.

We will find out we are not alone nor are our defects and evil deeds unique! What a relief that can be! Of course we have to find someone discreet we can trust. Preferrably someone who will share their similarities and similar stories. We can't have our evil deeds advertised to just any passerby -- especially if we've already been forgiven for them! We probably don't want to go to jail or be reported to the police.

I did this step within a month after doing my fourth step. I didn't really trust anyone in the institution where I did my treatment. I was afraid if I opened up to anyone who worked there, they'd report me and/or raise my meds or something else. My peers in treatment all had significantly less clean time then me, so I did not see any of them as an option. It was in between doing step four and five that I found my sponsor. She is a slim, feisty older woman, and I was pretty sure I could trust her discretion. She had significant clean time, is an addict as well as an alcoholic, and knew the steps. Still, I was a little bit anxious. I wasn't sure what would happen when I did my fifth step with her.... But I am not timid, so I did it anyway, and everything turned out fine. She seemed very understanding! My sponsor understands me mostly, and that is very valuable and good.

I guess that's when I realized I wasn't all that unique.

It says in the 12x12, "But, scarcely any step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind then this one." p. 55

I had a few things I really wanted to hide. Some of it was shame, guilt and pain over things I'd had done to me. This step really helped me sort out what was and wasn't my fault. To the best of my knowledge I didn't hold back on this step or skimp.... I can't really say I've experienced what it talks about in the 12x12 when people hold back on this step. But, by the time I did the step I really wanted my recovery and was willing to try just about anything. I can see the value of confessing to stuff now. It doesn't become acidic secrets then. I'm just not Catholic and can't see confessing to someone who puts themselves above me -- believes they are more righteous and doesn't share their own stuff with me. That's not intimacy to me.

That is another thing, we must be honest to have good relationships. I really wanted, after all the troublesome and bad relationships to have a good relationship or several. I've always believed communication is essential, and have also been frightened of intimacy to some extent.....

"Step Five was the answer. It was the beginning of true kinship with man and God." 12x12 pg. 57

We really aren't alone, and I am discovering more about myself all the time. This step helped me to stop making mountains of mole hills. It helped me to realize that God/dess forgave me, especially when I spilled my guts. It helped me realize I have God's Grace. It helped me to open up to strangers in the program too. I am no longer afraid to talk about my problems. I don't really have anything to hide and that is very freeing. I still exercise discretion, but most of what I did to others wasn't that bad. I can use that to help others.....

I am building good friendships with others. I have honesty, openmindedness and willingness in my relationships with others. Funny how things really seemed to improve that don't seem related to this step at all. I believe it changed my perceptions. I have escaped abusive relationships just for today, and I'm not perpetrating abuse on anyone else -- after all I don't really want to add new stuff to my inventory that is bad and have to confess it. I enjoy the freedom this step has given me.