Step Four

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

The 12x12 talks about how the vast majority of defects are instincts gone astray. We have instincts for survival, for emotional and material security and for sex according to the 12x12. When those things are threatened -- it can cause fears (or anxieties.) I prefer to call them needs since true instincts are reactions to stimulus that can't be helped and I was taught that only animals have true instincts. Anxiety, which is like fear, has nothing to do with real life or death situations. Anxieties and other defects are a problem that comes in when we avoid straightforward ways to get what we need. We often try to manipulate people, places and things into giving us what we need.

Facing oneself is a common theme in many myths and stories for the hero of whatever quest he or she is on. How can we face the Truth, if we are blind to ourselves. It wouldn't be truth then. The truth is we all have a higher power, but we will not develop the faith that our higher power truly cares for our whole selves until we acknowledge for ourselves what is really there. "We have drunk to drown feelings of fear, frustration and depression...." 12x12, p 44. We must face these things in ourselves in order to move forward.

God cannot work through us if we do not face ourselves. We all need to discover that we are loved, and, yes, often even forgiven for the things we have done. We need to know what is there.

Our brains cannot hold all the information about ourselves all at once. It is somewhat necessary to write out this step, lest we forget what needs "repairing."

It was a long time in recovery for me before I found out I really need to write out my inventory. This gave me the time to figure out why I needed to write it out, too. It wasn't until I was in recovery over four and a half years that I did this step. I, like most people I know, put it off. I had several excuses for doing so. "I know myself already very well." "I don't trust anyone here in treatment well enough." "I don't know how to do an inventory." "I don't know where to start." Even, "It's too much work!" I was still recovering, no doubt, in spite of not doing an inventory, because I stopped obsessing over marijuana anyway. My excuses were all versions of, "Pride says, 'You need not pass this way.'" 12x12 pg. 49

I was above such remedial work I thought!

This statement was me during my using days -- "As we morbidly pursue this melancholy activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution." pg. 45 Oblivion and/or being wasted past the point of any coherent thought seemed attractive often when I was using. I just didn't want to feel any more pain or think anymore about the scary stuff that had happened to me and loved ones. It also says, "Here, of course, we have lost all perspective, and therefore all genuine humility. For this is pride in reverse." pg 45. I was certainly the depressive type they were talking about in that paragraph. And I was somewhat proud of surviving all the crap I survived.

I have good news, however; pride is curable!

It says in the 12x12 that most defects are the same as the seven deadly sins.

I did my fourth step just before I acquired a sponsor. It wasn't a laundry list. I tried to use complete sentences. I don't think there is any "set in stone" way of doing the fourth step. Looking back its hard to see exactly why I put it off for so long. It was simple and there really weren't any surprises. It did make me feel better about myself -- it gave me a solid idea of what my assets are and subsequently what I could use them for! Feeling better was the surprise in this exercise. I think I was relieved mostly because it didn't go on and on and on. There was a limit to my "sins."

I try to be realistic and I applied that to my fourth step. I refused to take the blame in my inventory for things that weren't my fault.

"As we persist, a brand new kind of confidence is born, and the sense of relief at finally facing ourselves is indescribable." 12x12 p. 50

The 12x12 talks about how recovery is more then sobriety. Recovery is about finding good health. Many of my own defects led me to addiction -- I was too proud to go see a doctor, for example. I thought I had all I needed to survive within me, thank you very much! We really, however, can't stay sober if we are sick in our souls. The expression "sick and tired" is a very apt expression. We often fall into addiction when we are sick and tired -- when we are sick of ourselves and maybe too lazy to look at why.

But, see, I know myself much better now and can watch for my downfalls within myself. I KNOW what I have. And that is truly a relief. It helps me figure out what I need from God and/or others. Step four has helped me find more tolerance for others, too!