Step Six

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

The 12x12 talks at length about the willingness to have our defects removed in this chapter. It also talks about how the vast majority of us aren't entirely willing to have them all removed. We often hang onto just a few of them.

Most of us who have been in recovery for awhile know that, given time, God will remove our defects if we so desire. Two of mine were impatience and a low frustration tolerance. They have miraculously gotten better for me. Oh, yes I did pray for patience. God tends to teach that one the hard way! I lost my connection to many friends and became homeless! This step was my third step! I prayed for patience and release from my low frustration tolerance even before I quit doing drugs.

It says in this chapter to go ahead and seek perfection (even though one will probably never find it.) I don't want to be perfect! That was my main reservation about this step, and apparently, it's quite common. I still have defects that I don't pray about. One of my main issues is the cigarette smoking -- I know I should quit! I know I would be healthier if I did quit! But, I can't seem to muster up the desire to quit. I can't seem to bring myself to ask my higher power to help me with quitting. Oh, when I've had to quit -- God/dess helped me with that -- I know S/He did. Part of me doesn't care if the smoking kills me to be honest.

I'm still discovering, or rather, identifying my defects -- the nature of my wrongs. I guess that's why they say this step is a "lifetime job."

Perhaps part of my problem is a touch of complacency. I am content for the most part with the person I am today.

It talks again in this chapter about the seven deadly sins. It explains why they aren't good to have or do. Many other traits besides those "sins" are not all bad. Sometimes it's hard to decide whether something is an asset, a defect, or a little of both. Something like stubbornness -- which can also be called persistence. Many of my traits have a positive and negative aspect. I tend to compartmentalize them in my mind and pray often to use them to the best possible outcome. I don't believe it is possible and possibly not even desirable to kill or lock away our dark side.... Sometimes we need it for self defense! It would not be good, however to let it rule us, as it tends to do when we are under the influence.

Soon I know I will ask God for help removing my slothful and proud tendencies. I am a great procrastinator. I am proud of my healing I've done -- when it was God who really did it. Perhaps I need to do another inventory on those defects because up until recently I never identified them. I get proud of my creations too -- my writing, art, music etc.

The steps help one with humility. This step in particular really requires it.

I think God/dess is helping me get better all the time regardless of whether or not I ask for His/Her help. I think God/dess helps me realize where I have failed when I am ready to face it. I know I don't have to be perfect to deserve justice (another hang-up of mine) I felt like the closer to perfection I got, the more likely I would be to get justice, and I resented that. I'm still not sure how to go about finding it, but getting better is the best revenge on "those people" who did "stuff" to me.

I have to remember that to live. To live I must recover. To recover I must do the steps. Simple, but not easy!