It took at least one whole year, perhaps two years for me to start sharing in meetings. I was definitely not comfortable with the idea. I wasn't sure what of my experience was relevant. I wasn't sure if I would corrupt someone with my cravings. I wasn't sure how to say what I knew about the Spirit and my experience with that which is higher. When I started going to meetings nothing I knew was crystallized enough in my mind to share it. I felt really different -- marijuana doesn't cause scary physical withdrawal that I know of. Heck, I wasn't even sure for the first year or so of meetings that I was an addict! Quite frankly, all I really wanted to do was listen. I really wanted to know if I was really an addict. I wanted to know what others had been through. I wanted to know the politically correct way to say stuff. I wanted to listen! I'm not always politically correct, but one should know the correct way to break the rules of political correctness!
As far as strength and hope goes, I didn't have much of that to pass around when I first started. I had learned a long time ago that being negative really accomplished nothing. At least, I didn't see my strength, and when I was in treatment -- I saw little hope for me. I was quite determined that I could go out and drink socially when I got out. I really did not see how that could lead to worse problems....
It was shortly after I did my 12 steps that I began to feel like I had something to share....
There is stuff I know about God and Goddess that nobody else knows. That too was something I was listening for too. I wanted to hear from God! I wanted to learn something new about the Spirit from others in the program. I did learn new stuff. I get new perspectives on how God and Goddess might think and feel about various things from others.
Nobody told me to sit down and shut up early in recovery. I guess it's quite common to do that to new people. Nobody had to. I can see the rationale there.... I can see why nobody wants to hear the negativity or be reminded of cravings, or to jones from the glorifying of drugs and alcohol that newcomers are capable of.
But, there is a time to speak up and say something. There is a time to share what is on our minds, preferably relating to the topic of the meetings and/or more pressing matters. We need the vulnerability. We need to air our errors so they can be corrected. We need to teach what we know. I know that mistakes made by people who have hundreds of years clean and sober make me feel relieved that I will never have to be perfect to keep the fellowship. I have made real friends in this program because I am an awesome listener and because of what I have shared in and out of the rooms.
I love the friends I've made in this program. It's about time I had clean and sober friends that actually care about God and/or Goddess! I have people that accept that plain old spirituality is a valid path to Spirit too. The people in my life are not religiously judgmental -- they let me have my weird hodgepodge of beliefs. I've also found it safe to share -- not one person has approached me after a meeting and criticized me for what I've shared.
Isn't this fellowship and program awesome?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Step Twelve
"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."
Step twelve is about service -- loving and active service. It, too, is a maintenance step. Bill W. found carrying the message essential to his sobriety, and it is a formula that works very well for all of us. We need our newcomers. Not only because they remind us where we came from and where we never want to go again, but also because they offer new ideas and fresh perspectives.
The steps are the H.O.W. of our program. The principles are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness (among other good ones.) This step, especially, is how we stay sober.
My higher power is "the kind of love that has no price tag on it," p 106, 12x12. That is everywhere. To me, if I am showing that kind of love that has no expectation either of reward or return, I am doing my God/dess' will. My spiritual awakening had more to do with doing step 11 (which was the step I did fourth) then it did with all the steps. Step twelve was essentially my step five. It also had to do with doing step 11 while I was locked up and sobriety was forced upon me. To me, that just proves that we don't need to earn God's love. It's unconditional. My spiritual awakening took place when I was given a bookmark that said "God is love," in jail. I haven't really gone wrong since I thought about that and agreed with it! Much of the literature, meditations and other people talk about love. My higher power works through other people! I learn from mostly everyone! In my humble opinion long term sobriety will lead us to some kind of spiritual awakening if we really want one even if we haven't done the work of the steps. Not that I'm putting down the steps -- I'm not. The steps are very helpful, and I really think we need them to develop those principles that make even longer term sobriety possible.
Love is alive! This spiritual awakening gave me purpose -- to love others. It's much harder to love people from a distance (like when one is dead!) "He has been set on a path which tells him he is really going somewhere, that life is not a dead end, not something to be endured or mastered," p 107, 12x12. How is it possible to master love? Nobody is a greater lover then anyone else. Love, if we believe in it isn't that hard to endure either. Its the lack of love that hurts so much more then loving itself! If God/dess were really love and love were really alive, God/dess would make sure we moved on when we died, instead of there just being an end to consciousness. We don't like losing people we love... Why would God/dess' (who is love, imho) be any different?
Now love is not obsession, possessiveness, and manipulation. I don't do those things to newcomers. Alanon talks a great deal about detachment. I find it saves my sanity and resources if I don't get too attached to newcomers and/or the outcome of the message. H.O.W. applies to loving, too. Let's not forget the golden rule either: "Do unto others as you'd have done to you." We want people to be honest with us, although we do appreciate tact. Being open minded is very valuable when working with newcomers. We aren't going to create little clones of ourselves. You cannot put a square peg in a round hole! Diversity is a good thing! We want our beliefs respected, and must treat others the same way! We might actually learn something valuable from them, then. A willingness to help newcomers is important too. I'm not perfect, I'm not always willing to cut through all the BS with newcomers, and I'm not always willing to argue with them as seems to happen often with newcomers. However, a lot of the time I am willing. I believe in picking my battles, and saving a life is a good reason to pick the battle for me quite often.
"...by the divine paradox of this kind of giving he has found his own reward, whether his brother has yet received anything or not," p 109, 12x12. I don't know about anyone else, but I teach by learning and learn by teaching. I have received many rewards from working with newcomers including increased patience, better people skills, and gratitude for where I am at. I remain a student of life. Life is a journey not a destination. I think that makes me a better teacher and/or messenger. Another side effect of giving is happiness. I'm happy because I feel well. I'm happy that there is no end to this!
I have a special message for newcomers who are also survivors of abuse! There is no excuse to use -- not even rape or torture. It will not help.... For many of us the core of the matter is either get better or die! It is not fair for other survivors to die because they were attacked. Shame is useless and puts up barriers. There is no real shame in surviving attacks!
"When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence on His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would," p 116, 12x12. I need my Goddess too. I did not trust a masculine image of God after being attacked so much. She was there for me when I could not trust a God. In recovery, it is perfectly OK to have our own concepts of Spirit. In recovery I find that I can believe in Goddess and still have recovery! I can have the fellowship. I find that "these were the new attitudes that finally brought many of us an inner strength and peace that could not be deeply shaken by the shortcomings of others or by any calamity not of our own making," p 116, 12x12. I can vouch for that. We need that kind of faith to work with newcomers. The steps will give us the faith we need to do that. "Two-stepping" will not.
I need my faith, because I seem to be one of the "many AA members who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have a family life," p120, 12x12. I devote my time to this blog, to helping others and to friends. Many men cannot tolerate a woman who loves most other people at least as much as she loves him.... People can be so demanding that their partner only love them.... "Free of marital responsibilities, they can participate in enterprises which would be denied to family men and women," p 120, 12x12. Friendship, for one, is my number one priority. I'm not the kind of person who ditches all friends when I get in a relationship. I have other family members who aren't part of my reality for the most part -- including children who are adopted out and parents who have taken out a no contact order against me. My brothers have judged me unworthy I guess.... They won't, however, have anything to do with recovery -- either AA/NA or Alanon. I think I have been through at least a little bit of everything, and this gives me the ability to relate to so many people. I do have something to offer in service to others in recovery. A lot to offer, and I try to offer it to any takers. I do remember that this is a program of attraction rather then promotion, and I incorporate that tradition into my service.
Talk about turning the tables on my detractors! I did it with God's great help!
Step Twelve tells us it is possible for anyone to do this with just a little work!
Step twelve is about service -- loving and active service. It, too, is a maintenance step. Bill W. found carrying the message essential to his sobriety, and it is a formula that works very well for all of us. We need our newcomers. Not only because they remind us where we came from and where we never want to go again, but also because they offer new ideas and fresh perspectives.
The steps are the H.O.W. of our program. The principles are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness (among other good ones.) This step, especially, is how we stay sober.
My higher power is "the kind of love that has no price tag on it," p 106, 12x12. That is everywhere. To me, if I am showing that kind of love that has no expectation either of reward or return, I am doing my God/dess' will. My spiritual awakening had more to do with doing step 11 (which was the step I did fourth) then it did with all the steps. Step twelve was essentially my step five. It also had to do with doing step 11 while I was locked up and sobriety was forced upon me. To me, that just proves that we don't need to earn God's love. It's unconditional. My spiritual awakening took place when I was given a bookmark that said "God is love," in jail. I haven't really gone wrong since I thought about that and agreed with it! Much of the literature, meditations and other people talk about love. My higher power works through other people! I learn from mostly everyone! In my humble opinion long term sobriety will lead us to some kind of spiritual awakening if we really want one even if we haven't done the work of the steps. Not that I'm putting down the steps -- I'm not. The steps are very helpful, and I really think we need them to develop those principles that make even longer term sobriety possible.
Love is alive! This spiritual awakening gave me purpose -- to love others. It's much harder to love people from a distance (like when one is dead!) "He has been set on a path which tells him he is really going somewhere, that life is not a dead end, not something to be endured or mastered," p 107, 12x12. How is it possible to master love? Nobody is a greater lover then anyone else. Love, if we believe in it isn't that hard to endure either. Its the lack of love that hurts so much more then loving itself! If God/dess were really love and love were really alive, God/dess would make sure we moved on when we died, instead of there just being an end to consciousness. We don't like losing people we love... Why would God/dess' (who is love, imho) be any different?
Now love is not obsession, possessiveness, and manipulation. I don't do those things to newcomers. Alanon talks a great deal about detachment. I find it saves my sanity and resources if I don't get too attached to newcomers and/or the outcome of the message. H.O.W. applies to loving, too. Let's not forget the golden rule either: "Do unto others as you'd have done to you." We want people to be honest with us, although we do appreciate tact. Being open minded is very valuable when working with newcomers. We aren't going to create little clones of ourselves. You cannot put a square peg in a round hole! Diversity is a good thing! We want our beliefs respected, and must treat others the same way! We might actually learn something valuable from them, then. A willingness to help newcomers is important too. I'm not perfect, I'm not always willing to cut through all the BS with newcomers, and I'm not always willing to argue with them as seems to happen often with newcomers. However, a lot of the time I am willing. I believe in picking my battles, and saving a life is a good reason to pick the battle for me quite often.
"...by the divine paradox of this kind of giving he has found his own reward, whether his brother has yet received anything or not," p 109, 12x12. I don't know about anyone else, but I teach by learning and learn by teaching. I have received many rewards from working with newcomers including increased patience, better people skills, and gratitude for where I am at. I remain a student of life. Life is a journey not a destination. I think that makes me a better teacher and/or messenger. Another side effect of giving is happiness. I'm happy because I feel well. I'm happy that there is no end to this!
I have a special message for newcomers who are also survivors of abuse! There is no excuse to use -- not even rape or torture. It will not help.... For many of us the core of the matter is either get better or die! It is not fair for other survivors to die because they were attacked. Shame is useless and puts up barriers. There is no real shame in surviving attacks!
"When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence on His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would," p 116, 12x12. I need my Goddess too. I did not trust a masculine image of God after being attacked so much. She was there for me when I could not trust a God. In recovery, it is perfectly OK to have our own concepts of Spirit. In recovery I find that I can believe in Goddess and still have recovery! I can have the fellowship. I find that "these were the new attitudes that finally brought many of us an inner strength and peace that could not be deeply shaken by the shortcomings of others or by any calamity not of our own making," p 116, 12x12. I can vouch for that. We need that kind of faith to work with newcomers. The steps will give us the faith we need to do that. "Two-stepping" will not.
I need my faith, because I seem to be one of the "many AA members who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have a family life," p120, 12x12. I devote my time to this blog, to helping others and to friends. Many men cannot tolerate a woman who loves most other people at least as much as she loves him.... People can be so demanding that their partner only love them.... "Free of marital responsibilities, they can participate in enterprises which would be denied to family men and women," p 120, 12x12. Friendship, for one, is my number one priority. I'm not the kind of person who ditches all friends when I get in a relationship. I have other family members who aren't part of my reality for the most part -- including children who are adopted out and parents who have taken out a no contact order against me. My brothers have judged me unworthy I guess.... They won't, however, have anything to do with recovery -- either AA/NA or Alanon. I think I have been through at least a little bit of everything, and this gives me the ability to relate to so many people. I do have something to offer in service to others in recovery. A lot to offer, and I try to offer it to any takers. I do remember that this is a program of attraction rather then promotion, and I incorporate that tradition into my service.
Talk about turning the tables on my detractors! I did it with God's great help!
Step Twelve tells us it is possible for anyone to do this with just a little work!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Step Eleven
"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
This step is also a maintenance step. A higher power is an essential part of staying sober. We will seriously have a hard time staying clean and sober without a relationship with our higher power. Relationships require communication to stay alive.
"Prayer and meditation are our principal means of conscious contact with God," p. 96, 12x12.
I've never really been much of a skeptic when it comes to God/dess like it describes in the beginning of this chapter of the 12x12. I did not object to the use of the word "God." I knew that God cared about us. I just never conceived that God/dess had the power to help me. That would require letting God inside my brain and body and I was not really ready for that until I was deep in my addiction. The whole concept of me not being the only one inside my body was very scary to me.
"Those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do without it then we would refuse air, food, or sunshine," p. 97, 12x12.
My problem with prayer was, I wasn't really doing it right. The step says "...praying ONLY for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." I'm still, to some extent, stuck on that word "only." I often pray for old friends and other ill people. I pray that they find recovery (whatever kind of recovery that may be.) I can't find any fault with doing that, but that's not what this step tells me to do.
Heck, I cling to my God, Goddess and Jesus! Many things happen in this world that upset me. It seems to be a better alternative then clinging to some poor ignorant other person. They don't seem to mind, those divine beings. They let me. The serenity prayer is soooooooooo helpful nowadays. It did not help much when I was suffering the effects of clinical depression. I have some understanding now of why God/dess doesn't effect miracle cures of illnesses. That understanding came from God/dess -- I'm sure of it. It has a lot to do with what people who hate God do to people who have proof there is a God and Goddess. My main issue with God/dess before was because S/He wouldn't fix my ailments! God will make a person feel better and release him or her from obsessions on faith alone. God will not usually fix diseases, however.
I pray every night. I meditate and listen for answers. Answers to my questions usually come in a myriad of ways. God and Goddess have proven themselves to me -- even if nobody else would accept my spiritual experiences as proof or even real. I make sure I connect with my higher power every night before I go to sleep. I tell God about my feelings, about my life, about other people and about my observations. I turn over my stress. I ask for help going to sleep quite often. I often have questions about God, Goddess, the universe and religions. Lately I have been asking God to keep the devil out of my dreams (since most of my nightmares revolve around the devil). It seems to be working.
"...when we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, our emotions, and our intuitions of vitally needed support. AS the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul. We all need the light of God's reality, the nourishment of His strength, and the atmosphere of His grace." p. 97-98, 12x12. My God and Goddess are love. It's common knowledge we all need love. We need to give and receive love! Sometimes I really feel like the only way I get love is from my higher power, but it is enough for me.
"It is hoped that every AA who has a religious connection which emphasizes meditation will return to the practice of that devotion as never before," p. 98, 12x12. Yes, that is me. I was big on meditation before I was an addict and have returned to the practice. It is absolutely essential for me to quiet the mind to reduce stress and stop negative thinking in it's tracks. Meditation, in it's purest form, is communion with the divine and when God and Goddess are allowed into the mind they will help make it a much better place for us to live -- if we want it to be. So many of us are conflicted between mind and heart. Proper meditation means allowing God and Goddess into our hearts too. I'm sure that if we really desire to learn how to meditate, God will show us how to do it and what to ask for. Meditation may not seem very practical to some, but it really is! Quieting the mind is essential to gaining real divine guidance in our lives. We will know ourselves much better too. If we don't seize upon and dwell on stray thoughts too much, we will find it easier to truly hear the divine. We can learn a lot about ourselves too, by observing those same stray thoughts.
Through the practices of prayer and meditation, I find it so much easier to cope with life's ups and downs without using drugs or drinking. I believe it honestly is God/dess' will for me to care! I believe God/dess wants the kind of relationship with me where I can talk to Him and Her about anything. I treat God like I would a good friend -- I try not to have expectations. I don't try to control God and Goddess. I don't give orders. I say please and thank you. I don't have complex plans for my higher power to follow. I have to remember that I'm not the boss. I honestly believe God and Goddess want us to turn over our troubles to Them. They are so much more capable of dealing with troubles then we are! I try to let God pilot this ship. I know God helps me feel better most of the time! So, I've come to the conclusion that God's intentions for us are good cause God helps me feel good about myself and my life! And if I listen to God's guidance I don't get abused or entangled in abusive relationships. I'm sure God does not want us to be martyrs for some bestial abuser type. Basically meditation and prayer give me inner peace. That is priceless.
I think that people new in recovery should give meditation and prayer a chance. It is not scientific to reject things based on whether or not we like the concept! I think newcomers will be pleasantly surprised at the results.
"Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world," p. 105, 12x12.
This step is also a maintenance step. A higher power is an essential part of staying sober. We will seriously have a hard time staying clean and sober without a relationship with our higher power. Relationships require communication to stay alive.
"Prayer and meditation are our principal means of conscious contact with God," p. 96, 12x12.
I've never really been much of a skeptic when it comes to God/dess like it describes in the beginning of this chapter of the 12x12. I did not object to the use of the word "God." I knew that God cared about us. I just never conceived that God/dess had the power to help me. That would require letting God inside my brain and body and I was not really ready for that until I was deep in my addiction. The whole concept of me not being the only one inside my body was very scary to me.
"Those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do without it then we would refuse air, food, or sunshine," p. 97, 12x12.
My problem with prayer was, I wasn't really doing it right. The step says "...praying ONLY for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." I'm still, to some extent, stuck on that word "only." I often pray for old friends and other ill people. I pray that they find recovery (whatever kind of recovery that may be.) I can't find any fault with doing that, but that's not what this step tells me to do.
Heck, I cling to my God, Goddess and Jesus! Many things happen in this world that upset me. It seems to be a better alternative then clinging to some poor ignorant other person. They don't seem to mind, those divine beings. They let me. The serenity prayer is soooooooooo helpful nowadays. It did not help much when I was suffering the effects of clinical depression. I have some understanding now of why God/dess doesn't effect miracle cures of illnesses. That understanding came from God/dess -- I'm sure of it. It has a lot to do with what people who hate God do to people who have proof there is a God and Goddess. My main issue with God/dess before was because S/He wouldn't fix my ailments! God will make a person feel better and release him or her from obsessions on faith alone. God will not usually fix diseases, however.
I pray every night. I meditate and listen for answers. Answers to my questions usually come in a myriad of ways. God and Goddess have proven themselves to me -- even if nobody else would accept my spiritual experiences as proof or even real. I make sure I connect with my higher power every night before I go to sleep. I tell God about my feelings, about my life, about other people and about my observations. I turn over my stress. I ask for help going to sleep quite often. I often have questions about God, Goddess, the universe and religions. Lately I have been asking God to keep the devil out of my dreams (since most of my nightmares revolve around the devil). It seems to be working.
"...when we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, our emotions, and our intuitions of vitally needed support. AS the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul. We all need the light of God's reality, the nourishment of His strength, and the atmosphere of His grace." p. 97-98, 12x12. My God and Goddess are love. It's common knowledge we all need love. We need to give and receive love! Sometimes I really feel like the only way I get love is from my higher power, but it is enough for me.
"It is hoped that every AA who has a religious connection which emphasizes meditation will return to the practice of that devotion as never before," p. 98, 12x12. Yes, that is me. I was big on meditation before I was an addict and have returned to the practice. It is absolutely essential for me to quiet the mind to reduce stress and stop negative thinking in it's tracks. Meditation, in it's purest form, is communion with the divine and when God and Goddess are allowed into the mind they will help make it a much better place for us to live -- if we want it to be. So many of us are conflicted between mind and heart. Proper meditation means allowing God and Goddess into our hearts too. I'm sure that if we really desire to learn how to meditate, God will show us how to do it and what to ask for. Meditation may not seem very practical to some, but it really is! Quieting the mind is essential to gaining real divine guidance in our lives. We will know ourselves much better too. If we don't seize upon and dwell on stray thoughts too much, we will find it easier to truly hear the divine. We can learn a lot about ourselves too, by observing those same stray thoughts.
Through the practices of prayer and meditation, I find it so much easier to cope with life's ups and downs without using drugs or drinking. I believe it honestly is God/dess' will for me to care! I believe God/dess wants the kind of relationship with me where I can talk to Him and Her about anything. I treat God like I would a good friend -- I try not to have expectations. I don't try to control God and Goddess. I don't give orders. I say please and thank you. I don't have complex plans for my higher power to follow. I have to remember that I'm not the boss. I honestly believe God and Goddess want us to turn over our troubles to Them. They are so much more capable of dealing with troubles then we are! I try to let God pilot this ship. I know God helps me feel better most of the time! So, I've come to the conclusion that God's intentions for us are good cause God helps me feel good about myself and my life! And if I listen to God's guidance I don't get abused or entangled in abusive relationships. I'm sure God does not want us to be martyrs for some bestial abuser type. Basically meditation and prayer give me inner peace. That is priceless.
I think that people new in recovery should give meditation and prayer a chance. It is not scientific to reject things based on whether or not we like the concept! I think newcomers will be pleasantly surprised at the results.
"Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world," p. 105, 12x12.
Step Ten
"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."
Step ten is a maintenance step. That means it is necessary to maintain sobriety. We have to do this at least once a day to maintain serenity and sobriety. "A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us. We alcoholics have learned this the hard way," p 88, 12x12.
This step was my first dance with the steps. I learned to do this when I first read about the steps -- probably back when I was 19 or 20. Obviously, this step alone won't keep one sober, but it does keep resentments from building and a conscience clean for the most part. I always thought this step was a good idea, because the people around me rarely admitted when they were wrong or did something wrong. I wanted to be different then them! I knew how much it hurt when people would never apologize or back down in an argument when they're wrong -- especially about me! In any case, my point was, I have lots of practice at reviewing the day and assessing what part I had in any situations that came up. I try to be precise in my admissions of wrongs. I try to figure out exactly what I did wrong and apologize or admit to just that.
I often do "spot check inventories" throughout the day, even when I'm in the middle of an argument or situation. I do my best to listen to the other person. I've noticed that people tend not to even listen to the other person in arguments, etc.. Again, I wanted to be different. I don't think there's anything that's too hard to hear! I put it in perspective with how it would feel to experience bad "stuff." It helps me be more compassionate too. Inventories require a lot of listening. They require listening to the voice within, and other's voices as well. It really isn't too difficult to do this step -- at least not for me! It's a lot easier then letting stuff build up and fester within -- that's for sure!
This step also helps build confidence. It teaches us we are not always wrong! It helps us to build on our assets and capitalize on our strengths. "Once this healthy practice has become grooved, it will be so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed," p 89, 12x12. You see, it will help us notice when we handle situations well, too. Balance is a key here -- we don't have to dwell on the negative. Positive thinking is essential to this step. it teaches us to look for solutions and give ourselves some credit. That is the heart of positive thinking. Positive thinking can take us everywhere we want to go!
"It's a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us," p 90, 12x12. The chapter then goes on to extol the detriments of bad feelings. I have to disagree with the 12x12 somewhat in this case. It is not healthy to suppress or run away from bad feelings. Bad feelings do not necessarily have to lead to any kind of escapism. We have to deal with bad feelings. It does not necessarily mean we have done something wrong if we feel bad! This chapter, I think, implies quite strongly that we are doing something wrong if we feel bad.
Ordinary situations and people should not make us feel bad. It is not good to let petty stuff disturb our serenity. A lot of the stuff that goes on is small stuff. The bad feelings that come up as a result of ordinary type disturbances will pass without any effort on our part if we just let them. "Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year," p 91, 12x12. The message here is clearly that we have control over our behavior! We don't have to give voice to our feelings right away or in a harmful way. We can own our feelings and talk about them to a sponsor and/or spiritual adviser.
On the other hand, there is no need to make ourselves feel bad, guilty or shameful because we feel angry, threatened and scared because someone has attacked us or a loved one. The whole tendency to demonize anger in recovery is a little disturbing. There is no need when we are angry, to go on a rampage or lose our temper -- even in life threatening situations. Losing our cool can make a life threatening situation worse -- it can provoke the attacker to attack us more. I really believe it is possible for people in recovery to learn to distinguish justified anger from unjustified anger. The key lies in the saying "You got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything." It does not have to lead to drinking and/or using either. It needs to be talked about.
The chapter then goes on to talk basically about grandiosity. Grandiosity is, indeed a trap. "Big-shot-ism" will not help us to stay sober. It says, "....we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God, and that any success we may be having is far more His success then ours," p 92, 12x12. Humility is necessary for every last one of us recovering people.
"Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance, and see what real love for our fellows actually means," p 92, 12x12
The inventory should include an examination of our motives for doing things too. This chapter goes on to talk about motives. I seriously doubt that peoples motives are 100% pure. There is usually something to be gained by anything we do. Although, self righteousness is not good, even if there is a dose of that in our good deeds, we should still give ourselves credit for doing the good thing! Acting as if we love people will lead to actually loving them; at least, that's what I've found. There is usually love in anything we do for others.
In my humble opinion there is a fine line between taking a daily inventory and contemplating our navel. We don't need to suffer from inertia. It isn't always a bad thing to act. Sometimes it's necessary to do something about a situation, even if it's wrong. The chapter finishes with this statement, "having so considered our day, not omitting to take due note of things well done, and having searched our hearts with neither fear nor favor, we can truly thank God for the blessings we have received and sleep in good conscience."
I do believe that doing this step can keep us walking down the right path, and correct our missteps. Balance is key. I think biting off more then we could chew was our main downfall, and this step can keep us from ever doing that again! We don't want any more guilt then we can handle, and this step keeps it from building up. We learn how to be truly kind through this step.
Step ten is a maintenance step. That means it is necessary to maintain sobriety. We have to do this at least once a day to maintain serenity and sobriety. "A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us. We alcoholics have learned this the hard way," p 88, 12x12.
This step was my first dance with the steps. I learned to do this when I first read about the steps -- probably back when I was 19 or 20. Obviously, this step alone won't keep one sober, but it does keep resentments from building and a conscience clean for the most part. I always thought this step was a good idea, because the people around me rarely admitted when they were wrong or did something wrong. I wanted to be different then them! I knew how much it hurt when people would never apologize or back down in an argument when they're wrong -- especially about me! In any case, my point was, I have lots of practice at reviewing the day and assessing what part I had in any situations that came up. I try to be precise in my admissions of wrongs. I try to figure out exactly what I did wrong and apologize or admit to just that.
I often do "spot check inventories" throughout the day, even when I'm in the middle of an argument or situation. I do my best to listen to the other person. I've noticed that people tend not to even listen to the other person in arguments, etc.. Again, I wanted to be different. I don't think there's anything that's too hard to hear! I put it in perspective with how it would feel to experience bad "stuff." It helps me be more compassionate too. Inventories require a lot of listening. They require listening to the voice within, and other's voices as well. It really isn't too difficult to do this step -- at least not for me! It's a lot easier then letting stuff build up and fester within -- that's for sure!
This step also helps build confidence. It teaches us we are not always wrong! It helps us to build on our assets and capitalize on our strengths. "Once this healthy practice has become grooved, it will be so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed," p 89, 12x12. You see, it will help us notice when we handle situations well, too. Balance is a key here -- we don't have to dwell on the negative. Positive thinking is essential to this step. it teaches us to look for solutions and give ourselves some credit. That is the heart of positive thinking. Positive thinking can take us everywhere we want to go!
"It's a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us," p 90, 12x12. The chapter then goes on to extol the detriments of bad feelings. I have to disagree with the 12x12 somewhat in this case. It is not healthy to suppress or run away from bad feelings. Bad feelings do not necessarily have to lead to any kind of escapism. We have to deal with bad feelings. It does not necessarily mean we have done something wrong if we feel bad! This chapter, I think, implies quite strongly that we are doing something wrong if we feel bad.
Ordinary situations and people should not make us feel bad. It is not good to let petty stuff disturb our serenity. A lot of the stuff that goes on is small stuff. The bad feelings that come up as a result of ordinary type disturbances will pass without any effort on our part if we just let them. "Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year," p 91, 12x12. The message here is clearly that we have control over our behavior! We don't have to give voice to our feelings right away or in a harmful way. We can own our feelings and talk about them to a sponsor and/or spiritual adviser.
On the other hand, there is no need to make ourselves feel bad, guilty or shameful because we feel angry, threatened and scared because someone has attacked us or a loved one. The whole tendency to demonize anger in recovery is a little disturbing. There is no need when we are angry, to go on a rampage or lose our temper -- even in life threatening situations. Losing our cool can make a life threatening situation worse -- it can provoke the attacker to attack us more. I really believe it is possible for people in recovery to learn to distinguish justified anger from unjustified anger. The key lies in the saying "You got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything." It does not have to lead to drinking and/or using either. It needs to be talked about.
The chapter then goes on to talk basically about grandiosity. Grandiosity is, indeed a trap. "Big-shot-ism" will not help us to stay sober. It says, "....we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God, and that any success we may be having is far more His success then ours," p 92, 12x12. Humility is necessary for every last one of us recovering people.
"Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance, and see what real love for our fellows actually means," p 92, 12x12
The inventory should include an examination of our motives for doing things too. This chapter goes on to talk about motives. I seriously doubt that peoples motives are 100% pure. There is usually something to be gained by anything we do. Although, self righteousness is not good, even if there is a dose of that in our good deeds, we should still give ourselves credit for doing the good thing! Acting as if we love people will lead to actually loving them; at least, that's what I've found. There is usually love in anything we do for others.
In my humble opinion there is a fine line between taking a daily inventory and contemplating our navel. We don't need to suffer from inertia. It isn't always a bad thing to act. Sometimes it's necessary to do something about a situation, even if it's wrong. The chapter finishes with this statement, "having so considered our day, not omitting to take due note of things well done, and having searched our hearts with neither fear nor favor, we can truly thank God for the blessings we have received and sleep in good conscience."
I do believe that doing this step can keep us walking down the right path, and correct our missteps. Balance is key. I think biting off more then we could chew was our main downfall, and this step can keep us from ever doing that again! We don't want any more guilt then we can handle, and this step keeps it from building up. We learn how to be truly kind through this step.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Step Nine
"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
I had a difficult time doing this step. Primarily because most of the people I probably owed an amends to have taken out a no contact order against me. (That would be family, mostly.)
"Most of us begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day we join Alcoholics Anonymous," p. 83 12x12. This to me, was the most important and most direct amends I could make to the living -- including myself. I have children, and although I didn't raise them, they don't need to contact a mother when they are adults who can't take care of herself.... In some ways, giving my two daughters up for adoption spared me from hurting them much. I have no legal responsibility for my kids. I think the best and most direct amends I could make to them is to be a clean, sober and lucid person when and if they do come back into my life.
I owed an amends to my youngest daughter, of whom I had custody for the first four months of her life. I spent most of the time around her baked out of my mind. Even when she was in the state's custody, they would often show up for supervised visits with her and I would be baked then too. I really was not a very good mother, and was suffering severe and untreated psychosis when she was in my custody. I ended up shaking her several times because rape hallucinations would make me so enraged. The hallucinations were worse while she was breastfeeding.
I wrote her a letter, which has not been given to her yet. I apologized for my drug use while pregnant and while she was with me.
I also owed an amends to my old best friend. I used to steal cigarettes from her occasionally. I tried to steal an abusive boyfriend away from her too, but could not handle his abuse. I emailed her and offered to pay for the cigarettes.
I think I probably hurt the people who are looking down from Heaven right now, the most. Who knows what they saw. I wrote letters to my closest loved ones up there. I think that writing heartfelt letters to those who've passed on that we may have hurt is a very good thing to do. I honestly believe the people in Heaven can read those letters and really appreciate them. I feel like I've been forgiven by the loved ones I've lost; I really do. I think we learn more about forgiveness, and become more understanding when we get to Heaven, because God/dess can explain directly to those people.
I have not been fortunate enough to really experience forgiveness from the living. I get a little jealous of those whose amends are met with a warm reception. Mine have not been.
I have been doing my best to make indirect amends to people. I am totally against corporal punishment of children. It has never done any good in my observation. I don't punish children any more -- even when they are in my care -- which has not happened for awhile. There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline, in my book, is much more effective. I am more careful with other's feelings and such then I used to be. I still have indirect amends financially to make which I will do when I have the money to spend on them.
I discussed making amends to predatory men with many other recovering people. I have a tendency to rip off abusive men if they threaten or abuse me. I probably have stolen quite a bit of money and valuables from men like that. It says in the step itself, "...except when to do so would injure them or others." I was told that I qualify as an "other." It was suggested to me that I donate an equivalent amount of what I have stolen from creepy men to a domestic violence shelter.
I don't know if its really possible to finish this step in a short time. It is taking me a long time to make my amends to people. I think I really should stay in recovery, because I do believe that is the most effective and best amends I can make!
I had a difficult time doing this step. Primarily because most of the people I probably owed an amends to have taken out a no contact order against me. (That would be family, mostly.)
"Most of us begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day we join Alcoholics Anonymous," p. 83 12x12. This to me, was the most important and most direct amends I could make to the living -- including myself. I have children, and although I didn't raise them, they don't need to contact a mother when they are adults who can't take care of herself.... In some ways, giving my two daughters up for adoption spared me from hurting them much. I have no legal responsibility for my kids. I think the best and most direct amends I could make to them is to be a clean, sober and lucid person when and if they do come back into my life.
I owed an amends to my youngest daughter, of whom I had custody for the first four months of her life. I spent most of the time around her baked out of my mind. Even when she was in the state's custody, they would often show up for supervised visits with her and I would be baked then too. I really was not a very good mother, and was suffering severe and untreated psychosis when she was in my custody. I ended up shaking her several times because rape hallucinations would make me so enraged. The hallucinations were worse while she was breastfeeding.
I wrote her a letter, which has not been given to her yet. I apologized for my drug use while pregnant and while she was with me.
I also owed an amends to my old best friend. I used to steal cigarettes from her occasionally. I tried to steal an abusive boyfriend away from her too, but could not handle his abuse. I emailed her and offered to pay for the cigarettes.
I think I probably hurt the people who are looking down from Heaven right now, the most. Who knows what they saw. I wrote letters to my closest loved ones up there. I think that writing heartfelt letters to those who've passed on that we may have hurt is a very good thing to do. I honestly believe the people in Heaven can read those letters and really appreciate them. I feel like I've been forgiven by the loved ones I've lost; I really do. I think we learn more about forgiveness, and become more understanding when we get to Heaven, because God/dess can explain directly to those people.
I have not been fortunate enough to really experience forgiveness from the living. I get a little jealous of those whose amends are met with a warm reception. Mine have not been.
I have been doing my best to make indirect amends to people. I am totally against corporal punishment of children. It has never done any good in my observation. I don't punish children any more -- even when they are in my care -- which has not happened for awhile. There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline, in my book, is much more effective. I am more careful with other's feelings and such then I used to be. I still have indirect amends financially to make which I will do when I have the money to spend on them.
I discussed making amends to predatory men with many other recovering people. I have a tendency to rip off abusive men if they threaten or abuse me. I probably have stolen quite a bit of money and valuables from men like that. It says in the step itself, "...except when to do so would injure them or others." I was told that I qualify as an "other." It was suggested to me that I donate an equivalent amount of what I have stolen from creepy men to a domestic violence shelter.
I don't know if its really possible to finish this step in a short time. It is taking me a long time to make my amends to people. I think I really should stay in recovery, because I do believe that is the most effective and best amends I can make!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Step Eight
"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."
This step and step nine are really all about forgiveness. If nothing else, we learn how to truly forgive ourselves. We have to acknowledge what we've done, though, before we can find forgiveness, thus the need for a list. "If we are now about to ask forgiveness for ourselves, why shouldn't we start out by forgiving them, one and all?" p. 78 12x12
Forgiving "them" does not mean we have to forget. Sometimes the people we owe an amends to are truly abusive.
"Though in some cases we cannot make restitution at all, and in some cases action ought to be deferred, we should nevertheless make an accurate and really exhaustive survey of our past life as it has affected other people." p. 79 12x12. This is a very important concept. Just a real willingness to make an amends counts and can go a long way, even if amends aren't really possible right now.
Steps eight and nine can really help us find peace with ourselves, if not with others.
I'm still not sure if my list is as thorough as it should be. Most of what I did do to others was retaliatory. Some of what I did had more to do with my mental illness then addiction. I'm really not sure how I could possibly make amends, financially especially, for say things like destroying my old apartment. I guess that willingness is something of a snag for me....
I listed many people on my step eight. A lot of those people have passed on, and I wonder how much they actually saw and/or were hurt by the things I did.
I've spent my entire life following the Wiccan rede (or trying to follow): "Do what you will, so long as you harm none." I've rarely been violent towards others, but there are other forms of harm. I know it's often difficult to determnine if you've harmed someone if they don't tell you. I've ended up apologizing to children in the past for spanking them. And, it was after I decided that corporal punishment did no good whatsoever, that I became addicted.
I find myself wondering if not talking to many older family members is something I owe an amends for. They never reached out to contact me. They never made any efforts at all to stay in touch with me. If I have been noncommunicative in the past with parents and such, it was definitely a two way street. As a matter of fact, I called them a fair bit more then they ever called or wrote me. I find myself if and what do I owe my family? Did I really harm them? They seem to enjoy portraying themselves as victims of my irresponsibility, etc to anyone else who will listen. It's very hard to tell if I really did harm them.
My battles with this step aren't really covered in the 12x12. It doesn't talk much about amends to the deceased, to predatory types, to abusers. Those would be the vast majority of people on my list.....
I'm mostly concerned with what kind of harm I may have caused my baby girl -- my youngest daughter. She bore the brunt of my hysterical anger when I was severely psychotic and addicted.
I listed my old best friend on my list too. I used to steal her cigarettes. I tried to steal her "boyfriend" -- mostly to protect her from him and could not tolerate his abusive attitude enough to succeed at it. I spanked her kids a few times (which I apologized for and never did again). She perceives that I did a lot more harm then I actually did.... She was not upset that I spanked her kids -- I was basically the secondary caretaker of the kids and had her permission to discipline the kids. It's very hard to tell what kind of harm I actually did. I think I may have harmed the kids, though, when I abandoned them -- I was their "Aunt T." I really could not deal with reality anymore, much less two young children. I am willing to make amends, however to her and her kids.... I imagine that is what counts.
I feel blessed that I am predominantly non-violent. I feel like I'd have a lot more on my list if I were! And, I imagine that violence would be harder to make an amends for. I however have destroyed property and done petty theft.... The step workbook I used the first time I did this step says it's important to list the evil deeds alongside the people we did them to.
I also listed people on this step that have no contact orders against me. I honestly believe that listing them is important. It isn't good to keep bad secrets, and let guilt eat you alive. I shared my list with my sponsor. I think that we honestly need someone to look at our list of wrongs and help us figure out if we really did something wrong and help us to prepare to make amends to people. That's what my sponsor did. I probably should consult her about indirect amends for things I did to the predatory types I've ran across in my life. (Usually, if someone attacks me physically or threatens to -- I steal from them!) I've had it suggested to me by others that I could donate the equivalent in value to a domestic violence shelter. I think that happens to be a capital idea.
This step and step nine are really all about forgiveness. If nothing else, we learn how to truly forgive ourselves. We have to acknowledge what we've done, though, before we can find forgiveness, thus the need for a list. "If we are now about to ask forgiveness for ourselves, why shouldn't we start out by forgiving them, one and all?" p. 78 12x12
Forgiving "them" does not mean we have to forget. Sometimes the people we owe an amends to are truly abusive.
"Though in some cases we cannot make restitution at all, and in some cases action ought to be deferred, we should nevertheless make an accurate and really exhaustive survey of our past life as it has affected other people." p. 79 12x12. This is a very important concept. Just a real willingness to make an amends counts and can go a long way, even if amends aren't really possible right now.
Steps eight and nine can really help us find peace with ourselves, if not with others.
I'm still not sure if my list is as thorough as it should be. Most of what I did do to others was retaliatory. Some of what I did had more to do with my mental illness then addiction. I'm really not sure how I could possibly make amends, financially especially, for say things like destroying my old apartment. I guess that willingness is something of a snag for me....
I listed many people on my step eight. A lot of those people have passed on, and I wonder how much they actually saw and/or were hurt by the things I did.
I've spent my entire life following the Wiccan rede (or trying to follow): "Do what you will, so long as you harm none." I've rarely been violent towards others, but there are other forms of harm. I know it's often difficult to determnine if you've harmed someone if they don't tell you. I've ended up apologizing to children in the past for spanking them. And, it was after I decided that corporal punishment did no good whatsoever, that I became addicted.
I find myself wondering if not talking to many older family members is something I owe an amends for. They never reached out to contact me. They never made any efforts at all to stay in touch with me. If I have been noncommunicative in the past with parents and such, it was definitely a two way street. As a matter of fact, I called them a fair bit more then they ever called or wrote me. I find myself if and what do I owe my family? Did I really harm them? They seem to enjoy portraying themselves as victims of my irresponsibility, etc to anyone else who will listen. It's very hard to tell if I really did harm them.
My battles with this step aren't really covered in the 12x12. It doesn't talk much about amends to the deceased, to predatory types, to abusers. Those would be the vast majority of people on my list.....
I'm mostly concerned with what kind of harm I may have caused my baby girl -- my youngest daughter. She bore the brunt of my hysterical anger when I was severely psychotic and addicted.
I listed my old best friend on my list too. I used to steal her cigarettes. I tried to steal her "boyfriend" -- mostly to protect her from him and could not tolerate his abusive attitude enough to succeed at it. I spanked her kids a few times (which I apologized for and never did again). She perceives that I did a lot more harm then I actually did.... She was not upset that I spanked her kids -- I was basically the secondary caretaker of the kids and had her permission to discipline the kids. It's very hard to tell what kind of harm I actually did. I think I may have harmed the kids, though, when I abandoned them -- I was their "Aunt T." I really could not deal with reality anymore, much less two young children. I am willing to make amends, however to her and her kids.... I imagine that is what counts.
I feel blessed that I am predominantly non-violent. I feel like I'd have a lot more on my list if I were! And, I imagine that violence would be harder to make an amends for. I however have destroyed property and done petty theft.... The step workbook I used the first time I did this step says it's important to list the evil deeds alongside the people we did them to.
I also listed people on this step that have no contact orders against me. I honestly believe that listing them is important. It isn't good to keep bad secrets, and let guilt eat you alive. I shared my list with my sponsor. I think that we honestly need someone to look at our list of wrongs and help us figure out if we really did something wrong and help us to prepare to make amends to people. That's what my sponsor did. I probably should consult her about indirect amends for things I did to the predatory types I've ran across in my life. (Usually, if someone attacks me physically or threatens to -- I steal from them!) I've had it suggested to me by others that I could donate the equivalent in value to a domestic violence shelter. I think that happens to be a capital idea.
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