Step Eight

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

This step and step nine are really all about forgiveness. If nothing else, we learn how to truly forgive ourselves. We have to acknowledge what we've done, though, before we can find forgiveness, thus the need for a list. "If we are now about to ask forgiveness for ourselves, why shouldn't we start out by forgiving them, one and all?" p. 78 12x12

Forgiving "them" does not mean we have to forget. Sometimes the people we owe an amends to are truly abusive.

"Though in some cases we cannot make restitution at all, and in some cases action ought to be deferred, we should nevertheless make an accurate and really exhaustive survey of our past life as it has affected other people." p. 79 12x12. This is a very important concept. Just a real willingness to make an amends counts and can go a long way, even if amends aren't really possible right now.

Steps eight and nine can really help us find peace with ourselves, if not with others.

I'm still not sure if my list is as thorough as it should be. Most of what I did do to others was retaliatory. Some of what I did had more to do with my mental illness then addiction. I'm really not sure how I could possibly make amends, financially especially, for say things like destroying my old apartment. I guess that willingness is something of a snag for me....

I listed many people on my step eight. A lot of those people have passed on, and I wonder how much they actually saw and/or were hurt by the things I did.

I've spent my entire life following the Wiccan rede (or trying to follow): "Do what you will, so long as you harm none." I've rarely been violent towards others, but there are other forms of harm. I know it's often difficult to determnine if you've harmed someone if they don't tell you. I've ended up apologizing to children in the past for spanking them. And, it was after I decided that corporal punishment did no good whatsoever, that I became addicted.

I find myself wondering if not talking to many older family members is something I owe an amends for. They never reached out to contact me. They never made any efforts at all to stay in touch with me. If I have been noncommunicative in the past with parents and such, it was definitely a two way street. As a matter of fact, I called them a fair bit more then they ever called or wrote me. I find myself if and what do I owe my family? Did I really harm them? They seem to enjoy portraying themselves as victims of my irresponsibility, etc to anyone else who will listen. It's very hard to tell if I really did harm them.

My battles with this step aren't really covered in the 12x12. It doesn't talk much about amends to the deceased, to predatory types, to abusers. Those would be the vast majority of people on my list.....

I'm mostly concerned with what kind of harm I may have caused my baby girl -- my youngest daughter. She bore the brunt of my hysterical anger when I was severely psychotic and addicted.

I listed my old best friend on my list too. I used to steal her cigarettes. I tried to steal her "boyfriend" -- mostly to protect her from him and could not tolerate his abusive attitude enough to succeed at it. I spanked her kids a few times (which I apologized for and never did again). She perceives that I did a lot more harm then I actually did.... She was not upset that I spanked her kids -- I was basically the secondary caretaker of the kids and had her permission to discipline the kids. It's very hard to tell what kind of harm I actually did. I think I may have harmed the kids, though, when I abandoned them -- I was their "Aunt T." I really could not deal with reality anymore, much less two young children. I am willing to make amends, however to her and her kids.... I imagine that is what counts.

I feel blessed that I am predominantly non-violent. I feel like I'd have a lot more on my list if I were! And, I imagine that violence would be harder to make an amends for. I however have destroyed property and done petty theft.... The step workbook I used the first time I did this step says it's important to list the evil deeds alongside the people we did them to.

I also listed people on this step that have no contact orders against me. I honestly believe that listing them is important. It isn't good to keep bad secrets, and let guilt eat you alive. I shared my list with my sponsor. I think that we honestly need someone to look at our list of wrongs and help us figure out if we really did something wrong and help us to prepare to make amends to people. That's what my sponsor did. I probably should consult her about indirect amends for things I did to the predatory types I've ran across in my life. (Usually, if someone attacks me physically or threatens to -- I steal from them!) I've had it suggested to me by others that I could donate the equivalent in value to a domestic violence shelter. I think that happens to be a capital idea.