Step Eleven

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

This step is also a maintenance step. A higher power is an essential part of staying sober. We will seriously have a hard time staying clean and sober without a relationship with our higher power. Relationships require communication to stay alive.

"Prayer and meditation are our principal means of conscious contact with God," p. 96, 12x12.

I've never really been much of a skeptic when it comes to God/dess like it describes in the beginning of this chapter of the 12x12. I did not object to the use of the word "God." I knew that God cared about us. I just never conceived that God/dess had the power to help me. That would require letting God inside my brain and body and I was not really ready for that until I was deep in my addiction. The whole concept of me not being the only one inside my body was very scary to me.

"Those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do without it then we would refuse air, food, or sunshine," p. 97, 12x12.

My problem with prayer was, I wasn't really doing it right. The step says "...praying ONLY for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." I'm still, to some extent, stuck on that word "only." I often pray for old friends and other ill people. I pray that they find recovery (whatever kind of recovery that may be.) I can't find any fault with doing that, but that's not what this step tells me to do.

Heck, I cling to my God, Goddess and Jesus! Many things happen in this world that upset me. It seems to be a better alternative then clinging to some poor ignorant other person. They don't seem to mind, those divine beings. They let me. The serenity prayer is soooooooooo helpful nowadays. It did not help much when I was suffering the effects of clinical depression. I have some understanding now of why God/dess doesn't effect miracle cures of illnesses. That understanding came from God/dess -- I'm sure of it. It has a lot to do with what people who hate God do to people who have proof there is a God and Goddess. My main issue with God/dess before was because S/He wouldn't fix my ailments! God will make a person feel better and release him or her from obsessions on faith alone. God will not usually fix diseases, however.

I pray every night. I meditate and listen for answers. Answers to my questions usually come in a myriad of ways. God and Goddess have proven themselves to me -- even if nobody else would accept my spiritual experiences as proof or even real. I make sure I connect with my higher power every night before I go to sleep. I tell God about my feelings, about my life, about other people and about my observations. I turn over my stress. I ask for help going to sleep quite often. I often have questions about God, Goddess, the universe and religions. Lately I have been asking God to keep the devil out of my dreams (since most of my nightmares revolve around the devil). It seems to be working.

"...when we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, our emotions, and our intuitions of vitally needed support. AS the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul. We all need the light of God's reality, the nourishment of His strength, and the atmosphere of His grace." p. 97-98, 12x12. My God and Goddess are love. It's common knowledge we all need love. We need to give and receive love! Sometimes I really feel like the only way I get love is from my higher power, but it is enough for me.

"It is hoped that every AA who has a religious connection which emphasizes meditation will return to the practice of that devotion as never before," p. 98, 12x12. Yes, that is me. I was big on meditation before I was an addict and have returned to the practice. It is absolutely essential for me to quiet the mind to reduce stress and stop negative thinking in it's tracks. Meditation, in it's purest form, is communion with the divine and when God and Goddess are allowed into the mind they will help make it a much better place for us to live -- if we want it to be. So many of us are conflicted between mind and heart. Proper meditation means allowing God and Goddess into our hearts too. I'm sure that if we really desire to learn how to meditate, God will show us how to do it and what to ask for. Meditation may not seem very practical to some, but it really is! Quieting the mind is essential to gaining real divine guidance in our lives. We will know ourselves much better too. If we don't seize upon and dwell on stray thoughts too much, we will find it easier to truly hear the divine. We can learn a lot about ourselves too, by observing those same stray thoughts.

Through the practices of prayer and meditation, I find it so much easier to cope with life's ups and downs without using drugs or drinking. I believe it honestly is God/dess' will for me to care! I believe God/dess wants the kind of relationship with me where I can talk to Him and Her about anything. I treat God like I would a good friend -- I try not to have expectations. I don't try to control God and Goddess. I don't give orders. I say please and thank you. I don't have complex plans for my higher power to follow. I have to remember that I'm not the boss. I honestly believe God and Goddess want us to turn over our troubles to Them. They are so much more capable of dealing with troubles then we are! I try to let God pilot this ship. I know God helps me feel better most of the time! So, I've come to the conclusion that God's intentions for us are good cause God helps me feel good about myself and my life! And if I listen to God's guidance I don't get abused or entangled in abusive relationships. I'm sure God does not want us to be martyrs for some bestial abuser type. Basically meditation and prayer give me inner peace. That is priceless.

I think that people new in recovery should give meditation and prayer a chance. It is not scientific to reject things based on whether or not we like the concept! I think newcomers will be pleasantly surprised at the results.

"Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world," p. 105, 12x12.