Step Nine

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

I had a difficult time doing this step. Primarily because most of the people I probably owed an amends to have taken out a no contact order against me. (That would be family, mostly.)

"Most of us begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day we join Alcoholics Anonymous," p. 83 12x12. This to me, was the most important and most direct amends I could make to the living -- including myself. I have children, and although I didn't raise them, they don't need to contact a mother when they are adults who can't take care of herself.... In some ways, giving my two daughters up for adoption spared me from hurting them much. I have no legal responsibility for my kids. I think the best and most direct amends I could make to them is to be a clean, sober and lucid person when and if they do come back into my life.

I owed an amends to my youngest daughter, of whom I had custody for the first four months of her life. I spent most of the time around her baked out of my mind. Even when she was in the state's custody, they would often show up for supervised visits with her and I would be baked then too. I really was not a very good mother, and was suffering severe and untreated psychosis when she was in my custody. I ended up shaking her several times because rape hallucinations would make me so enraged. The hallucinations were worse while she was breastfeeding.

I wrote her a letter, which has not been given to her yet. I apologized for my drug use while pregnant and while she was with me.

I also owed an amends to my old best friend. I used to steal cigarettes from her occasionally. I tried to steal an abusive boyfriend away from her too, but could not handle his abuse. I emailed her and offered to pay for the cigarettes.

I think I probably hurt the people who are looking down from Heaven right now, the most. Who knows what they saw. I wrote letters to my closest loved ones up there. I think that writing heartfelt letters to those who've passed on that we may have hurt is a very good thing to do. I honestly believe the people in Heaven can read those letters and really appreciate them. I feel like I've been forgiven by the loved ones I've lost; I really do. I think we learn more about forgiveness, and become more understanding when we get to Heaven, because God/dess can explain directly to those people.

I have not been fortunate enough to really experience forgiveness from the living. I get a little jealous of those whose amends are met with a warm reception. Mine have not been.

I have been doing my best to make indirect amends to people. I am totally against corporal punishment of children. It has never done any good in my observation. I don't punish children any more -- even when they are in my care -- which has not happened for awhile. There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline, in my book, is much more effective. I am more careful with other's feelings and such then I used to be. I still have indirect amends financially to make which I will do when I have the money to spend on them.

I discussed making amends to predatory men with many other recovering people. I have a tendency to rip off abusive men if they threaten or abuse me. I probably have stolen quite a bit of money and valuables from men like that. It says in the step itself, "...except when to do so would injure them or others." I was told that I qualify as an "other." It was suggested to me that I donate an equivalent amount of what I have stolen from creepy men to a domestic violence shelter.

I don't know if its really possible to finish this step in a short time. It is taking me a long time to make my amends to people. I think I really should stay in recovery, because I do believe that is the most effective and best amends I can make!