Step Ten

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

Step ten is a maintenance step. That means it is necessary to maintain sobriety. We have to do this at least once a day to maintain serenity and sobriety. "A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us. We alcoholics have learned this the hard way," p 88, 12x12.

This step was my first dance with the steps. I learned to do this when I first read about the steps -- probably back when I was 19 or 20. Obviously, this step alone won't keep one sober, but it does keep resentments from building and a conscience clean for the most part. I always thought this step was a good idea, because the people around me rarely admitted when they were wrong or did something wrong. I wanted to be different then them! I knew how much it hurt when people would never apologize or back down in an argument when they're wrong -- especially about me! In any case, my point was, I have lots of practice at reviewing the day and assessing what part I had in any situations that came up. I try to be precise in my admissions of wrongs. I try to figure out exactly what I did wrong and apologize or admit to just that.

I often do "spot check inventories" throughout the day, even when I'm in the middle of an argument or situation. I do my best to listen to the other person. I've noticed that people tend not to even listen to the other person in arguments, etc.. Again, I wanted to be different. I don't think there's anything that's too hard to hear! I put it in perspective with how it would feel to experience bad "stuff." It helps me be more compassionate too. Inventories require a lot of listening. They require listening to the voice within, and other's voices as well. It really isn't too difficult to do this step -- at least not for me! It's a lot easier then letting stuff build up and fester within -- that's for sure!

This step also helps build confidence. It teaches us we are not always wrong! It helps us to build on our assets and capitalize on our strengths. "Once this healthy practice has become grooved, it will be so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed," p 89, 12x12. You see, it will help us notice when we handle situations well, too. Balance is a key here -- we don't have to dwell on the negative. Positive thinking is essential to this step. it teaches us to look for solutions and give ourselves some credit. That is the heart of positive thinking. Positive thinking can take us everywhere we want to go!

"It's a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us," p 90, 12x12. The chapter then goes on to extol the detriments of bad feelings. I have to disagree with the 12x12 somewhat in this case. It is not healthy to suppress or run away from bad feelings. Bad feelings do not necessarily have to lead to any kind of escapism. We have to deal with bad feelings. It does not necessarily mean we have done something wrong if we feel bad! This chapter, I think, implies quite strongly that we are doing something wrong if we feel bad.

Ordinary situations and people should not make us feel bad. It is not good to let petty stuff disturb our serenity. A lot of the stuff that goes on is small stuff. The bad feelings that come up as a result of ordinary type disturbances will pass without any effort on our part if we just let them. "Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year," p 91, 12x12. The message here is clearly that we have control over our behavior! We don't have to give voice to our feelings right away or in a harmful way. We can own our feelings and talk about them to a sponsor and/or spiritual adviser.

On the other hand, there is no need to make ourselves feel bad, guilty or shameful because we feel angry, threatened and scared because someone has attacked us or a loved one. The whole tendency to demonize anger in recovery is a little disturbing. There is no need when we are angry, to go on a rampage or lose our temper -- even in life threatening situations. Losing our cool can make a life threatening situation worse -- it can provoke the attacker to attack us more. I really believe it is possible for people in recovery to learn to distinguish justified anger from unjustified anger. The key lies in the saying "You got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything." It does not have to lead to drinking and/or using either. It needs to be talked about.

The chapter then goes on to talk basically about grandiosity. Grandiosity is, indeed a trap. "Big-shot-ism" will not help us to stay sober. It says, "....we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God, and that any success we may be having is far more His success then ours," p 92, 12x12. Humility is necessary for every last one of us recovering people.

"Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance, and see what real love for our fellows actually means," p 92, 12x12

The inventory should include an examination of our motives for doing things too. This chapter goes on to talk about motives. I seriously doubt that peoples motives are 100% pure. There is usually something to be gained by anything we do. Although, self righteousness is not good, even if there is a dose of that in our good deeds, we should still give ourselves credit for doing the good thing! Acting as if we love people will lead to actually loving them; at least, that's what I've found. There is usually love in anything we do for others.

In my humble opinion there is a fine line between taking a daily inventory and contemplating our navel. We don't need to suffer from inertia. It isn't always a bad thing to act. Sometimes it's necessary to do something about a situation, even if it's wrong. The chapter finishes with this statement, "having so considered our day, not omitting to take due note of things well done, and having searched our hearts with neither fear nor favor, we can truly thank God for the blessings we have received and sleep in good conscience."

I do believe that doing this step can keep us walking down the right path, and correct our missteps. Balance is key. I think biting off more then we could chew was our main downfall, and this step can keep us from ever doing that again! We don't want any more guilt then we can handle, and this step keeps it from building up. We learn how to be truly kind through this step.