I think the greatest gift recovery has given me is a fine sense of inner peace. They call it serenity.
For a very long time I was at war with myself. I was echoing parental judgment calls, criticizing myself with my own brand of criticism, and thinking very negatively. All the faith in the world was not healing my depression. At least not faith in the divine. I had no faith in others to speak of. I alternated between thinking I had all kinds of power to destroy (or affect) other's lives just by looking at them wrong, to feeling totally helpless. But, I did learn something from my parental units; I learned how to make it all look good on the outside. I worked full time for a long time, but my internal conflicts interfered with my jobs, quite frankly. I had something to write about, but I did not know how to write about it. Feelings are censored viciously in my family, so I learned to write about them. Now, I've come to a peace with my utter need to write: my thoughts, my feelings, and my imaginings....
I learned a long time ago to keep my mental filing system organized. I spent many years working on that. I coached my own memory so that my memories weren't chaotic. My memory is far from perfect. I've probably forgotten much much more then I care to. I know what belongs in the round file, though these days. Most suspicions, fearful thoughts, and worries/what ifs belong there. I don't try to kill those thoughts -- I just try to ignore them -- thus, no fighting required. I had to think about stuff enough to decide what was true and what was not. I don't believe forgiving and forgetting is the truth. That way I don't have to reject memories of real stuff that happened. I don't believe in fighting with myself any more on the issue.
Some people in recovery, even those with many many years of sobriety, are very uncomfortable with thinking. I'm sure that being afraid of one's own head is not the answer. I tend to disagree with the concept of "my best thinking," got me here. It was not my best thinking that did it. It was the conflict between my head and my heart. My best thinking has kept me in recovery though. I'm not afraid to think about stuff. I'm not afraid to take charge of my own head. I mean, we can't control all stray thoughts, but we don't have to feed the monsters in our heads. I don't have much conflict nowadays between my head and my heart. I think about each feeling I have, and file it. If it's obsessive, I wait it out, it will pass. If it's sadness I write about it. If it's anger I decide on an appropriate course of action and words. If it's happiness I enjoy it, etc. I sort out my feelings, and I think many of us in recover would find it valuable to identify feelings correctly and if we cannot, investigate what the feeling really is. We are in control of our behavior, most of the time, although many of us cannot control crying, blushing or laughing really. Basically, I don't fight my feelings either. Things are much more peaceful because of that.
I needed medication to feel right though. I am on antidepressants. It's very hard to make peace with ourselves if something is physically wrong with our brains. I had to learn how to get my head and heart to work in tandem after I was treated for my serious depression.
It is impossible to find peace if we are on drugs or messed up on alcohol. It interferes with the way we should feel about stuff that happens and we know it. We don't feel right. Our thinking is slowed down, and we have a very difficult time dealing with what we do start feeling. We won't always know how to act or respond to our feelings. We may have serious difficulty in dealing with conflicts with others especially if we cannot fully understand what they are trying to tell us.
A long time ago I learned about communication cycles. In arguments, often neither party listens to the other and what they are really saying. It is next to impossible to really listen to what someone else is saying if we are messed up on drugs and/or alcohol. It's impossible to cooperate with our own feelings if what they are saying is a "buzz-kill" kind of thing. I think being at peace means being able to control our behavior and the way we respond to others. Often people who are high or drunk will get angry at the messenger who brings bad news. And they are incapable of understanding often that the messenger is not responsible for the way they feel....
Good listening skills make for peaceful relations with others a lot of the time. Paired with a peaceful cooperation of heart and mind, we can use effective communication to the other person. We can do our best to understand where they are really coming from, avoid arguing about the small stuff, and avoid blaming them for the way we feel. I know that all of this requires a sober mind. Being present in the moment is necessary too, and hard to do when we are messed up on drugs and alcohol.
I feel very blessed that I have this inner peace too, since so many have booted me out of their lives, possibly permanently. Every single person who "disowned" me crossed too many boundaries with me. I always let them know about that. I have peace in my assertiveness and being able to lay down boundaries. I am okay with the fact that I am okay about it. That too is a form of peace between myself and these others. Silence can be very peaceful. I don't start fights with people who don't want me around. I don't fight at all unless it's a battle I have picked and I am trying to save someone's life. My inner peace/serenity doesn't have to be affected by their turmoil. If I don't feel like I can maintain my serenity, I let them go.
Peace, to me is friendship. To me inner peace then means being my own best friend. I treat myself in my head and otherwise as I would a good friend. I don't beat myself up. I used to use affirmations. I used to have to counter every single negative thought with a positive one. I stopped blaming myself for situations where I was actually victimized by someone else. I stopped blaming myself for putting up with it, and giving myself kudos for bravery, cleverness, and sheer pluck in surviving what I have survived. I say nice things to myself all the time. I do good things for myself, and reward myself for good behavior.
I also do good things for others. It helps my self esteem. It gives me positive ammunition to boost myself up. I give myself permission not to be perfect, to be wrong, to make mistakes, and to try. I try to make my world a better place to live in. I would imagine its very hard for a selfish person to find any kind of inner peace. Being messed up on drugs and alcohol makes us all selfish. We cannot think straight enough to even consider putting ourselves in another persons shoes -- that requires imagination and, yes, thinking. I guess the golden rule is good enough for me. I want love from others so I usually treat others with genuine love, and I love myself too.
I am an honest person nowadays. I tell others the truth. I see no need to argue about the truth either. I don't state the truth (to the best of my abiltiy) in a non provocative way. That means I use tact. That comes down to the golden rule too. I want honesty from others. So I use it with others.
I'm okay with myself, basically, are you?
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Resentments
It's time to write about resentments. Apparently I've really been dishing them out lately to addicts I know. They say if you aren't giving resentments to newcomers and using addicts, you aren't doing your job right. I must be doing my job right! A lot of people in recovery say "It's better to give resentments then get them," too.
I don't feel guilty..... It's not me making them feel cruddy, it's the drugs and/or their need to control others!
Obedience, especially to those with no legal authority over me, was never a "virtue" of mine, anyway! Obedience is grossly overrated......
What a mess of our lives resentments can make! They can certainly lead to relapse. At the very least they make us feel bad.
The Basic Text of NA says this about relapse, "We are never forced into relapse. We are given a choice. Relapse is never an accident. Relapse is a sing that we have a reservation in our program. We begin to slight our program and leave loopholes in our daily lives. Unaware of the pitfalls ahead, we stumble blindly in the belief that we can make it on our own. Sooner or later we fall into the illusions that drugs make life easier," p.76, chap 7.
Drugs don't make life easier. They make it harder. It is harder to care, to concentrate, to deal with our own feelings. There is nothing that drugs and alcohol can't make worse, I've heard it said many times.
"When a resentment or any other emotional upheaval occurs, failure to practice the steps can result in a relapse," p 77, chap 7, Basic Text. Obviously the cure for resentment comes in forgiveness, in the steps, and perhaps some objectivity.
It says under step 9 in the Basic Text, "In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments," p. 39, chap 4.
The Basic Text defines resentments as, "Resentments are reliving past experiences again and again, and fear is our response to the future," p. 94, Chap 9. Our resentments generally only hurt us. We might be resenting someone for some behavior that has nothing to do with how people act generally in reality.
I think there is some difference between resentments and hate, annoyance and even anger. But negative emotions can lead to resentments if we dwell on them. Emotions tend to be transitory, unless we are hanging on to them. It is our choice to hang onto them or not.
It's easy for me, nowadays to let the little things go: things like stupid drivers, insensitive remarks, bluntness from friends, and even difficult people. I ask myself, "Is this really going to matter tomorrow?" It seems to me that a lot of resentment revolves around control issues and expectations. I used to expect people to know how their words were affecting me without telling them. There's a lot of expectation of mind reading going on. I think people get resentments, too, because other's aren't doing what they want them to. If my toes are getting stepped on, I have to tell the person. And then, let it go. There's no reason for resentment if someone crosses a boundary. I have to tell them, and if they ignore me, it's them. Resentments involve renting out space for free to others in our heads, and we don't need that if we want to recover.
I used to have difficulty not resenting those that have merely abused me, too. But, I find that recovery helps me to let go of this too. All of the people who did that to me, are addicts and/or alcoholics. I can be understanding about it, I've been there too. I try to understand others. I try to understand their behaviors. I know that forgiveness is about thinking right. It's very hard to think right when one is an addict. We actually have to think of others to forgive them. Most addicts and alcoholics who are actively using don't think much about others. They don't think about what God might really want. After all, the Bible tells us that it's okay to punish children with corporal punishment. If they were thinking about what God really wants and practicing critical thinking about what they read, it would give them pause in their addiction I'm sure. They've got to live with themselves; I don't have to live with them.
Where I have difficulty with resentments is towards sexually abusive predatory types. I don't find those so easy to let go. I often hate child molesters and rapists. It's very hard to get over those kinds of experiences for me. I don't feel very forgiving towards them, especially since they go out and attack other women and children. They don't stop doing what they do. They never make amends for what they do. I don't know how to correctly apply double standards. I don't know how to expect them not to, when I expect myself to make amends. It will take time I know, in recovery to learn the correct way to deal with them.
Don't get me wrong, I don't always have feelings for (or against) creepy "people." I'm usually a pretty happy and upbeat kind of person. Usually all I feel towards those types is utter indifference. I cannot love them. Loving perverts is like shining a light on a black hole -- one will just get sucked in. I don't know how to forgive them either.... But as long as I keep working on it, I know I will be alright. I've just been attacked too much up until about ten years ago, to let go of it quickly. I find that breaking the silence, telling the truth, and fighting back by helping others who have gone through similar experiences to be really helpful to me.
On the good side, other then those resentments, everything else is small potatoes. I can let them go.
When I was actively addicted, I was ruled by my dark side. It was totally out of control. We cannot get a handle on resentments, and other negative thinking combined with emotions as long as we are using. We get ruled by dark emotions (deadly sins) when we are not in control of ourselves. We will not truly feel better until we learn how to deal with ourselves and things like resentments. Recovery is about feeling better about ourselves in the long run. We cannot feel better about ourselves when we are nursing little monsters like resentments.
And, I will take long term serenity (feeling better about myself) to short term pleasure any day, thank you!
I don't feel guilty..... It's not me making them feel cruddy, it's the drugs and/or their need to control others!
Obedience, especially to those with no legal authority over me, was never a "virtue" of mine, anyway! Obedience is grossly overrated......
What a mess of our lives resentments can make! They can certainly lead to relapse. At the very least they make us feel bad.
The Basic Text of NA says this about relapse, "We are never forced into relapse. We are given a choice. Relapse is never an accident. Relapse is a sing that we have a reservation in our program. We begin to slight our program and leave loopholes in our daily lives. Unaware of the pitfalls ahead, we stumble blindly in the belief that we can make it on our own. Sooner or later we fall into the illusions that drugs make life easier," p.76, chap 7.
Drugs don't make life easier. They make it harder. It is harder to care, to concentrate, to deal with our own feelings. There is nothing that drugs and alcohol can't make worse, I've heard it said many times.
"When a resentment or any other emotional upheaval occurs, failure to practice the steps can result in a relapse," p 77, chap 7, Basic Text. Obviously the cure for resentment comes in forgiveness, in the steps, and perhaps some objectivity.
It says under step 9 in the Basic Text, "In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments," p. 39, chap 4.
The Basic Text defines resentments as, "Resentments are reliving past experiences again and again, and fear is our response to the future," p. 94, Chap 9. Our resentments generally only hurt us. We might be resenting someone for some behavior that has nothing to do with how people act generally in reality.
I think there is some difference between resentments and hate, annoyance and even anger. But negative emotions can lead to resentments if we dwell on them. Emotions tend to be transitory, unless we are hanging on to them. It is our choice to hang onto them or not.
It's easy for me, nowadays to let the little things go: things like stupid drivers, insensitive remarks, bluntness from friends, and even difficult people. I ask myself, "Is this really going to matter tomorrow?" It seems to me that a lot of resentment revolves around control issues and expectations. I used to expect people to know how their words were affecting me without telling them. There's a lot of expectation of mind reading going on. I think people get resentments, too, because other's aren't doing what they want them to. If my toes are getting stepped on, I have to tell the person. And then, let it go. There's no reason for resentment if someone crosses a boundary. I have to tell them, and if they ignore me, it's them. Resentments involve renting out space for free to others in our heads, and we don't need that if we want to recover.
I used to have difficulty not resenting those that have merely abused me, too. But, I find that recovery helps me to let go of this too. All of the people who did that to me, are addicts and/or alcoholics. I can be understanding about it, I've been there too. I try to understand others. I try to understand their behaviors. I know that forgiveness is about thinking right. It's very hard to think right when one is an addict. We actually have to think of others to forgive them. Most addicts and alcoholics who are actively using don't think much about others. They don't think about what God might really want. After all, the Bible tells us that it's okay to punish children with corporal punishment. If they were thinking about what God really wants and practicing critical thinking about what they read, it would give them pause in their addiction I'm sure. They've got to live with themselves; I don't have to live with them.
Where I have difficulty with resentments is towards sexually abusive predatory types. I don't find those so easy to let go. I often hate child molesters and rapists. It's very hard to get over those kinds of experiences for me. I don't feel very forgiving towards them, especially since they go out and attack other women and children. They don't stop doing what they do. They never make amends for what they do. I don't know how to correctly apply double standards. I don't know how to expect them not to, when I expect myself to make amends. It will take time I know, in recovery to learn the correct way to deal with them.
Don't get me wrong, I don't always have feelings for (or against) creepy "people." I'm usually a pretty happy and upbeat kind of person. Usually all I feel towards those types is utter indifference. I cannot love them. Loving perverts is like shining a light on a black hole -- one will just get sucked in. I don't know how to forgive them either.... But as long as I keep working on it, I know I will be alright. I've just been attacked too much up until about ten years ago, to let go of it quickly. I find that breaking the silence, telling the truth, and fighting back by helping others who have gone through similar experiences to be really helpful to me.
On the good side, other then those resentments, everything else is small potatoes. I can let them go.
When I was actively addicted, I was ruled by my dark side. It was totally out of control. We cannot get a handle on resentments, and other negative thinking combined with emotions as long as we are using. We get ruled by dark emotions (deadly sins) when we are not in control of ourselves. We will not truly feel better until we learn how to deal with ourselves and things like resentments. Recovery is about feeling better about ourselves in the long run. We cannot feel better about ourselves when we are nursing little monsters like resentments.
And, I will take long term serenity (feeling better about myself) to short term pleasure any day, thank you!
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