Finding Inner Peace

I think the greatest gift recovery has given me is a fine sense of inner peace. They call it serenity.

For a very long time I was at war with myself. I was echoing parental judgment calls, criticizing myself with my own brand of criticism, and thinking very negatively. All the faith in the world was not healing my depression. At least not faith in the divine. I had no faith in others to speak of. I alternated between thinking I had all kinds of power to destroy (or affect) other's lives just by looking at them wrong, to feeling totally helpless. But, I did learn something from my parental units; I learned how to make it all look good on the outside. I worked full time for a long time, but my internal conflicts interfered with my jobs, quite frankly. I had something to write about, but I did not know how to write about it. Feelings are censored viciously in my family, so I learned to write about them. Now, I've come to a peace with my utter need to write: my thoughts, my feelings, and my imaginings....

I learned a long time ago to keep my mental filing system organized. I spent many years working on that. I coached my own memory so that my memories weren't chaotic. My memory is far from perfect. I've probably forgotten much much more then I care to. I know what belongs in the round file, though these days. Most suspicions, fearful thoughts, and worries/what ifs belong there. I don't try to kill those thoughts -- I just try to ignore them -- thus, no fighting required. I had to think about stuff enough to decide what was true and what was not. I don't believe forgiving and forgetting is the truth. That way I don't have to reject memories of real stuff that happened. I don't believe in fighting with myself any more on the issue.

Some people in recovery, even those with many many years of sobriety, are very uncomfortable with thinking. I'm sure that being afraid of one's own head is not the answer. I tend to disagree with the concept of "my best thinking," got me here. It was not my best thinking that did it. It was the conflict between my head and my heart. My best thinking has kept me in recovery though. I'm not afraid to think about stuff. I'm not afraid to take charge of my own head. I mean, we can't control all stray thoughts, but we don't have to feed the monsters in our heads. I don't have much conflict nowadays between my head and my heart. I think about each feeling I have, and file it. If it's obsessive, I wait it out, it will pass. If it's sadness I write about it. If it's anger I decide on an appropriate course of action and words. If it's happiness I enjoy it, etc. I sort out my feelings, and I think many of us in recover would find it valuable to identify feelings correctly and if we cannot, investigate what the feeling really is. We are in control of our behavior, most of the time, although many of us cannot control crying, blushing or laughing really. Basically, I don't fight my feelings either. Things are much more peaceful because of that.

I needed medication to feel right though. I am on antidepressants. It's very hard to make peace with ourselves if something is physically wrong with our brains. I had to learn how to get my head and heart to work in tandem after I was treated for my serious depression.

It is impossible to find peace if we are on drugs or messed up on alcohol. It interferes with the way we should feel about stuff that happens and we know it. We don't feel right. Our thinking is slowed down, and we have a very difficult time dealing with what we do start feeling. We won't always know how to act or respond to our feelings. We may have serious difficulty in dealing with conflicts with others especially if we cannot fully understand what they are trying to tell us.

A long time ago I learned about communication cycles. In arguments, often neither party listens to the other and what they are really saying. It is next to impossible to really listen to what someone else is saying if we are messed up on drugs and/or alcohol. It's impossible to cooperate with our own feelings if what they are saying is a "buzz-kill" kind of thing. I think being at peace means being able to control our behavior and the way we respond to others. Often people who are high or drunk will get angry at the messenger who brings bad news. And they are incapable of understanding often that the messenger is not responsible for the way they feel....

Good listening skills make for peaceful relations with others a lot of the time. Paired with a peaceful cooperation of heart and mind, we can use effective communication to the other person. We can do our best to understand where they are really coming from, avoid arguing about the small stuff, and avoid blaming them for the way we feel. I know that all of this requires a sober mind. Being present in the moment is necessary too, and hard to do when we are messed up on drugs and alcohol.

I feel very blessed that I have this inner peace too, since so many have booted me out of their lives, possibly permanently. Every single person who "disowned" me crossed too many boundaries with me. I always let them know about that. I have peace in my assertiveness and being able to lay down boundaries. I am okay with the fact that I am okay about it. That too is a form of peace between myself and these others. Silence can be very peaceful. I don't start fights with people who don't want me around. I don't fight at all unless it's a battle I have picked and I am trying to save someone's life. My inner peace/serenity doesn't have to be affected by their turmoil. If I don't feel like I can maintain my serenity, I let them go.

Peace, to me is friendship. To me inner peace then means being my own best friend. I treat myself in my head and otherwise as I would a good friend. I don't beat myself up. I used to use affirmations. I used to have to counter every single negative thought with a positive one. I stopped blaming myself for situations where I was actually victimized by someone else. I stopped blaming myself for putting up with it, and giving myself kudos for bravery, cleverness, and sheer pluck in surviving what I have survived. I say nice things to myself all the time. I do good things for myself, and reward myself for good behavior.

I also do good things for others. It helps my self esteem. It gives me positive ammunition to boost myself up. I give myself permission not to be perfect, to be wrong, to make mistakes, and to try. I try to make my world a better place to live in. I would imagine its very hard for a selfish person to find any kind of inner peace. Being messed up on drugs and alcohol makes us all selfish. We cannot think straight enough to even consider putting ourselves in another persons shoes -- that requires imagination and, yes, thinking. I guess the golden rule is good enough for me. I want love from others so I usually treat others with genuine love, and I love myself too.

I am an honest person nowadays. I tell others the truth. I see no need to argue about the truth either. I don't state the truth (to the best of my abiltiy) in a non provocative way. That means I use tact. That comes down to the golden rule too. I want honesty from others. So I use it with others.

I'm okay with myself, basically, are you?