Resentments

It's time to write about resentments. Apparently I've really been dishing them out lately to addicts I know. They say if you aren't giving resentments to newcomers and using addicts, you aren't doing your job right. I must be doing my job right! A lot of people in recovery say "It's better to give resentments then get them," too.

I don't feel guilty..... It's not me making them feel cruddy, it's the drugs and/or their need to control others!

Obedience, especially to those with no legal authority over me, was never a "virtue" of mine, anyway! Obedience is grossly overrated......

What a mess of our lives resentments can make! They can certainly lead to relapse. At the very least they make us feel bad.

The Basic Text of NA says this about relapse, "We are never forced into relapse. We are given a choice. Relapse is never an accident. Relapse is a sing that we have a reservation in our program. We begin to slight our program and leave loopholes in our daily lives. Unaware of the pitfalls ahead, we stumble blindly in the belief that we can make it on our own. Sooner or later we fall into the illusions that drugs make life easier," p.76, chap 7.

Drugs don't make life easier. They make it harder. It is harder to care, to concentrate, to deal with our own feelings. There is nothing that drugs and alcohol can't make worse, I've heard it said many times.

"When a resentment or any other emotional upheaval occurs, failure to practice the steps can result in a relapse," p 77, chap 7, Basic Text. Obviously the cure for resentment comes in forgiveness, in the steps, and perhaps some objectivity.

It says under step 9 in the Basic Text, "In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments," p. 39, chap 4.

The Basic Text defines resentments as, "Resentments are reliving past experiences again and again, and fear is our response to the future," p. 94, Chap 9. Our resentments generally only hurt us. We might be resenting someone for some behavior that has nothing to do with how people act generally in reality.

I think there is some difference between resentments and hate, annoyance and even anger. But negative emotions can lead to resentments if we dwell on them. Emotions tend to be transitory, unless we are hanging on to them. It is our choice to hang onto them or not.

It's easy for me, nowadays to let the little things go: things like stupid drivers, insensitive remarks, bluntness from friends, and even difficult people. I ask myself, "Is this really going to matter tomorrow?" It seems to me that a lot of resentment revolves around control issues and expectations. I used to expect people to know how their words were affecting me without telling them. There's a lot of expectation of mind reading going on. I think people get resentments, too, because other's aren't doing what they want them to. If my toes are getting stepped on, I have to tell the person. And then, let it go. There's no reason for resentment if someone crosses a boundary. I have to tell them, and if they ignore me, it's them. Resentments involve renting out space for free to others in our heads, and we don't need that if we want to recover.

I used to have difficulty not resenting those that have merely abused me, too. But, I find that recovery helps me to let go of this too. All of the people who did that to me, are addicts and/or alcoholics. I can be understanding about it, I've been there too. I try to understand others. I try to understand their behaviors. I know that forgiveness is about thinking right. It's very hard to think right when one is an addict. We actually have to think of others to forgive them. Most addicts and alcoholics who are actively using don't think much about others. They don't think about what God might really want. After all, the Bible tells us that it's okay to punish children with corporal punishment. If they were thinking about what God really wants and practicing critical thinking about what they read, it would give them pause in their addiction I'm sure. They've got to live with themselves; I don't have to live with them.

Where I have difficulty with resentments is towards sexually abusive predatory types. I don't find those so easy to let go. I often hate child molesters and rapists. It's very hard to get over those kinds of experiences for me. I don't feel very forgiving towards them, especially since they go out and attack other women and children. They don't stop doing what they do. They never make amends for what they do. I don't know how to correctly apply double standards. I don't know how to expect them not to, when I expect myself to make amends. It will take time I know, in recovery to learn the correct way to deal with them.

Don't get me wrong, I don't always have feelings for (or against) creepy "people." I'm usually a pretty happy and upbeat kind of person. Usually all I feel towards those types is utter indifference. I cannot love them. Loving perverts is like shining a light on a black hole -- one will just get sucked in. I don't know how to forgive them either.... But as long as I keep working on it, I know I will be alright. I've just been attacked too much up until about ten years ago, to let go of it quickly. I find that breaking the silence, telling the truth, and fighting back by helping others who have gone through similar experiences to be really helpful to me.

On the good side, other then those resentments, everything else is small potatoes. I can let them go.

When I was actively addicted, I was ruled by my dark side. It was totally out of control. We cannot get a handle on resentments, and other negative thinking combined with emotions as long as we are using. We get ruled by dark emotions (deadly sins) when we are not in control of ourselves. We will not truly feel better until we learn how to deal with ourselves and things like resentments. Recovery is about feeling better about ourselves in the long run. We cannot feel better about ourselves when we are nursing little monsters like resentments.

And, I will take long term serenity (feeling better about myself) to short term pleasure any day, thank you!