As you know, I am in recovery now. I have been doing 12 step programs for some time now. I’ve found that step 3, “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Higher Power, to help us to rebuild our lives in a positive and caring way,” was a crucial part of my recovery and a turning point for me. That step 3 is actually how the Dual Recovery Anonymous phrases it, but it is still the same – basically – for all the recovery programs I have been in.
My recovery basically started with step 3. As you know, I have mental illness, and I think you just figured out it was schizophrenia from the decomposition of my writing skills. I was having experiences, delusions and hallucinations that led me to believe I was being haunted by evil spirits, demons and the devil. I was paranoid and I felt as if you were exhibiting stalking type behavior towards me. I literally thought I was in another dimension here on Earth – and that it was a version of hell. I was having rape hallucinations which I was certain were demons raping me, and I felt as if the devil was trying to force my soul out of my body…. It was NOT fun at all. The drugs weren’t helping and I blamed a significant amount of what I was experiencing on the marijuana….
I have been familiar with the 12 steps since I was a teenager. I think it was step 3 that scared me away from the steps altogether. I think it kept me away from Alanon, which probably would have helped me cope with everyone’s drinking and drug use – including yours. Quite frankly, I didn’t think God had good things in mind for me. I really believed that all the sexual abuse and shit were some kind of lessons that were ordained to me that I was supposed to learn from, and had quite a bit of resentment towards my Higher Power, which is now Love – but was not then. I did not understand why God just didn’t step in and stop all the sexual abuse I’ve gone through…. However, now that I think about it, I did have some kind of warning feeling and fleeting thoughts that these guys might be creepy…. However, I thought maybe that little warning feeling was my own prejudice, and prejudice is not something I embrace at all…. God also helped me manipulate the situation and helped me put a stop to the sexual abuse I experienced as a small child.
God does not want to scare us. I’ve learned that since then.
It was shortly after I said to God, with whom I had little to say before then, that I turn my mind, heart, body soul and will to Him, that I lost my place to live. Do you understand that God took me out of that circle of people I was hanging with in Bellingham. I survived homelessness alright. I needed to get away from the users and abusers that surrounded us. Most of the delusions and hallucinations that led me to believe the devil was trying to steal my soul stopped after that. Some of those hallucinations had me squirming within my skin because they were painful! I felt the devil retreat from me.
That didn’t stop me from using marijuana though for many years after that…. I really believed it was “natural” and therefore, okay for me to use. Of course, I did not do the other steps. However, I really feel like step 3 saved my life and the few remnants of my sanity at that time. I still did not understand what God/dess was all about at that time. I really didn’t embrace any kind of male deity figurehead at all for a long time after that. However when I was in jail for trying to burn down my father’s house and stealing a blanket and fishing pole from his garage, I received a bookmark that said “God is Love.” (I had tried to burn down his house because he grabbed my ass in 1995 during the one and only hug we ever exchanged.) Things began to make sense after that, however, I was still not interested in any kind of recovery and was wishing hard that I could get out of jail so I could go get stoned….
I did however feel okay about having turned over my will to the power of love….
I did step 3 again after I got out of being locked up. I was locked up for 4 ½ years total…. Three of those years were in a mental institution. One of the years I was in the institute, I was in rehab. I talked to God, Goddess, Jesus, the Spirit and the angels all the time when I was locked up. I tried to get answers. I felt comforted that the Spirit was love. I knew then that the Spirit was higher then my parents, etc. I tried to make sense out of things. I participated, albeit minimally, in meetings and AODA classes in rehab. Nonetheless, my cravings and such began to disappear when I was in rehab. I began to think perhaps I COULD live without marijuana when I got out. I knew, in rehab, however that I was an exception to the rules and could certainly sneak alcohol when I got out….
I did know that rehab was God’s will for me, so I willingly went through it.
I have learned to trust God’s will for me. God has cleaned up my drug and alcohol use. God has put me in a place in Wisconsin where I can visit my mother’s grave and don’t have to worry about running into my biological father. Their no-contact orders against me, along with the no-contact orders so many other family members and old friends have taken out, have protected me from feeling obligated to talk to people that simply don’t believe in sexual abuse and mental illness, much less emotional or physical abuse…. I have since learned that sometimes God’s will is to turn our back on toxic relationships and such. We don’t have to keep trying to shine lights on black holes, you know? I have a nice apartment, and a good circle of recovering friends now, that I am building. God is definitely helping me rebuild my support system. I had to do it from the ground up, but I didn’t have to do it alone, and therefore it was much easier. God helped end my depression and stabilized my psychosis with very effective and minimal medications.
On the barest shred of faith I turned over my life to someone I knew very little about. I did it again 2 years ago, and I am doing it again now, officially, however I often do this in between. I check to make sure my will is aligned with that of love. Love knows no boundaries of religions and such, and is everywhere. Love doesn’t need to respect the separation of church and state, because God is in both…. I don’t need to tolerate hate, either…. God’s will for me seems to be that I be both healthy and happy. God is not about suffering, I’ve learned. God doesn’t need to look like a person, and certainly not like a man. Learning that God is love, to me, means it is okay to disagree with any dogma that doesn’t agree with the fact that God is love to me…. I feel much more safe and secure then I used to and I am sure this step was instrumental in that. I never went without food when I was homeless. I think that is because I talked to the divine entities I did and always asked. I now understand what faith really is, and I know, no matter what that I will be okay.
I also know that God is not all rainbows and butterflies, and gay things. It is not a boring journey. There is much excitement in my life. I know that God does not will for me to be really bored. God/dess or Love is not about stagnation and dull things. It is much like a roller coaster, but I no longer hit the suicidal lows I used to have quite frequently. I did not have to trust right away, I just had to DO IT. Now I do trust, and am having lots of fun. I learned to trust, and God is patient enough to have let me learn how….
I miss you, and hope to someday see you again when things are better….
Merry Christmas
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