Growth

I think in order to grow we have to take risks. We have to take positive healthy risks. Of course we don't want to take unnecessary foolish risks with our lives like we did when we used drugs and over used alcohol. One of the gifts that recovery gives us is our value for our life. We learn that we don't actually want to throw it away, especially to just become a statistic. There is no glory in dying from a drug overdose....

Taking risks requires much courage. I learned that if I could take the foolish risks with my life that I was taking, certainly I could take the more positive (and significantly less risky) risks of developing intimacy with my new friends. I could talk about anything. I would talk about anything. I would and will share my feelings. There is no point in keeping my secrets all bottled up inside. I don't need to harbor shame, guilt and resentments. I can air them out. I can talk to my new friends -- about anything. I have friends now that I can be completely honest with about my spirituality and beliefs. I have friends now that understand. And, I don't think I would have found those friends had I never opened up about what I really believe and feel.

The way I see it, I have nothing to lose. I really am living on borrowed time, so to speak. I should have been killed or died of an overdose or something a long time ago. I am here by the grace of God/dess and because I have something valuable to share. It is important to take the risks necessary to grow, because if I don't grow, I shall surely wither and die.

I don't want my death to be a statistic!

I shall go either of old age or in a blaze of glory I have decided. Clean and sober! I don't want to be in a muddled state of mind, anyhow, when I do finally get to meet my maker.

Truly, it is scary to open up to others. It is scary to be honest. It is scary to make a stand for what we believe in. But I have my fears prioritized. It is more silly to be less afraid to die of an overdose then it is to open up to others. We need others to grow spiritually. Nobody is an island. We need other perspectives. We need to love to feel compassion. We need to value ourselves enough to feel compassion as well. We need others to feel love fully. We learn about all the facets of God and Goddess through all the variety and diversity in others. To learn from others, and I mean really learn from others, we need true intimacy with them. To be intimate is a risk.

Physical intimacy, I learned in therapy, should never surpass emotional intimacy. That is another silly risk. It is much more silly to be less afraid of catching an STD or all the other myriad things that can happen when we sleep around so to speak then it is to be afraid of truly being real with other human beings.

It's much more fun to keep other people's secrets then it is my own, anyhow. I guess true friendship does require keeping confidences.

They say that fear is a lack of faith. I agree with that, mostly. Although, I do believe that healthy fear and faith can coexist at times. For example, it is healthy to run away from abuse and fear that abusive types will end my existence. One can have faith that God or Goddess will help us live a healthy or healthier life! There is no doubt in my mind we need faith to grow. God/dess wants us to grow strong, and healthy. God/dess want us to LIVE not just survive! To live we must feel. To fear silly things, to have anxiety is not condusive to growth. Faith is the balm that can heal those silly fears and anxieties -- most of which never come to pass.....

I want to grow in my recovery. I want to grow in my relationship with Spirit. I want to grow in my relationships with others. I want to die knowing I lived life to the fullest! Bad feelings certainly aren't the end of the world. And sometimes I tell myself that -- as well as telling myself "it will be alright." a lot. It helps me feel better, often. I use mental discipline to shut down the "itty bitty s**tty committee," worries and what-ifs. I trained my brain to be positive. I worked on it for years, and the drugs helped me not at all. There is all kinds of information out there on the power of positive thinking as well as love! So I won't get into all the details of how to do it here. It isn't even a battle nowadays; it's as if the negative ghosts in my subconscious know exactly how to surrender. I can let the little things go, these days.....

This too shall pass.

And there is, of course, the serenity prayer.