The Message

Step twelve talks about carrying the message to the addict who still suffers. “Our message is hope and the promise of freedom. When it is said and done, our primary purpose can only be to carry the message to the addict who still suffers because that is all we have to give.”

This to me is about love. My higher power is love, as I have stated before, and to stop using drugs is an act of unconditional self-love. It is also an act of unconditional love of others. My higher power has shown me unconditional love, and I love it. My message is an attempt to show unconditional love for myself and others. I do my best to display and embody it to everyone. Of course, my attention and patience is limited. I am not a doormat, nor do I pursue people and sponsees in an attempt to “give to” them, when it is clear that my message is not being received. Nor, do I waste my time trying to get people to love me back. Of course, I spend more time with those who seem to love me back, but I can and do care about everyone I meet in this program.

I am a people, too. I don’t believe I have to sacrifice myself in order to reach those who just don’t seem to “get it.” All I can really do to carry the message to those who are still suffering from addiction is to live and thrive. It’s been said, the best revenge is to live well. This I can do. I live my life with passion and creativity. I live my life to the fullest. I often have a great time doing it, too. I don’t need those chemical “enhancements” to have a good time, or feel good. I especially cannot feel good about who I am if I am doing things to destroy myself.

The only way to get better is to recover.

Oh yeah, freedom; freedom is wonderful. I love it. Funny how since I have started recovery and perhaps, since I am no longer homeless, the police have left me alone entirely. I don’t tolerate people that try to take freedom away from me. I don’t put up with people who want to control and censor me. I don’t feel like I need to be with someone any longer in order to get drugs, money, shelter or rides places. I have taken my responsibility that comes with true freedom. I wouldn’t want anything other then freedom in my life, to live the way I wish to live, and be happy doing so.

I think that many people are frightened of the real responsibilities that go hand in hand with being truly free. They pay lip service to the ideal of freedom, however they take no responsibility. They are living in fear, for real. There is no freedom living a life filled with fear. Most drugs have the unpleasant side effect of paranoia. It’s really hard to perceive, feel, and live a life of freedom when one is paranoid. People who still suffer often think that they are free, but truly are not.

All I can do really, as it says in the intro, is to carry the message by living the message. I have hope and my freedom. It’s easy for people who don’t want to hear it to point out the flaws of my life and say they don’t want what I have, because I have mental disabilities that interfere with having the 9-5 job that represents “responsibility” in most people’s eyes. I also do not have a car. But that is symptomatic of the materialistic slavery that people perceive as being responsible. I cannot prove to people that do not want to see that I am happy, and otherwise healthy. I have enough money to get by on, but then again, money and material things do not create happiness.

Being clean and sober does not give people mental illnesses that interfere with the 9-5 lifestyle. There is more to me then that…. However there are many around me in recovery that have the material things and the 9-5 job. I am here to show others that happiness, freedom and feeling good about yourself is possible even without the trappings of material success…..

I am working on that, but I would not trade my self confidence, values and serenity for any material things. I have love in my life today. I feel it around me. I give it to those around me. I suspect that many don’t appreciate me till I am gone, however I can always find more love. My HP loves me all the time, no matter what. I love it! I can always find my HP no matter where I am or what I am doing. My HP was there before, during and after my active addiction. That is wonderful to me, and my HP wants me to be free and happy.

I have hope that I am carrying the message to at least a few people that need to hear it. That, indeed is all I can give to them. That is the best I can hope for, really….

New Ideas

When I was first forced into recovery, I had so much time on my hands I was forced also to do a lot of re-evaluation of my old ideas. I had lots of time and not many places I could go. I was so sick and tired of everyone including myself. I wanted to die. I wanted to grab a gun from a guard, and shoot, not him, but myself.

I had to do a lot of thinking about where my addiction had led me, even though it took me five years to call that spade a spade. Addiction made real the symptoms of my illness – especially isolation. I willingly isolated myself physically, emotionally and spiritually from other people. That, however, had the surprisingly pleasant side effect of distancing me from all the addicts and codependents I know.

I had been ill long before I ever picked up that first drug. I felt unloved, uncared for and isolated from others. I had clinical depression, and low self-esteem. I was the classic care-taker type without being allowed to take care of the addicts in my family. To them, I was simply underfoot all the time: a nuisance who was in the way. I tried oh so hard to fix my parents and other older addicts in the family. I thought I had the greatest advice and held plenty of great solutions. I picked up after everyone much like Cinderella, and was just as appreciated as she was.

When I was forced to leave home and join the military under my parent’s orders, I immediately began to recreate a more “powerful” caretaker’s dream. I sought out troubled young men to fix. I finally found a devil worshipper to fix. He was quite literally, very much into devil worship and I ended up marrying him. He was also a devoted drug addict and alcoholic. I’m sure I got hurt much worse then he did in that relationship.

It was definitely a spiritual illness as well. I felt disconnected from the Spirit for a very, very long time. Before I found recovery I felt totally unloved by any God or Goddess. I certainly didn’t look up to Him or Her. I turned my back on Him or Her a lot. I had the world on my shoulders, and I knew exactly what to do with it!

I had several humbling Spiritual experiences half way through my addiction. However, I was still unconvinced that God/dess cared for me. I knew then that God had been personally involved in my life for quite some time at that point, but then I became angry at Them. I really did feel, quite often that I was in hell, and would literally end up there because of all my failures to fix people in my life, as well as my own personal screw ups.

But I began to recover in lock up, as we all do when the drugs are removed from our realities for awhile. I picked up several new ideas about my life and about God and Goddess in particular.

The biggest new idea was that I could really take care of myself, after all, if God would help me. Taking care of myself was a new objective. I didn’t need to be codependent on anyone. Codependency is not exactly like addiction, in that there is no need or craving to return to that lifestyle. God set me free, and I was willingly set free. I was also literally set free from captivity slowly over several years in stages. I learned that I wanted to take care of myself, and perhaps even enjoyed being single. I don’t have to fix anyone, and I certainly don’t have to help anyone with anything if I don’t want to! I help people now because I want to, not because I feel I have to or that I suspect God/dess will not help them.

Sponsorship was a completely new idea as well. That I could have a guide and empathetic ear to listen to me throughout my recovery was a wonderful idea. I am not enthusiastic about changes in my thinking, feeling, or reality, so I was not enthusiastic about having a sponsor. I honestly was afraid I’d end up with a hard-arse control freak who wanted to micromanage my life. I thank my lucky stars I have never ended up with anything like that for a sponsor, and because I can take care of myself, I certainly wouldn’t have to put up with it if I did.

Doing a written inventory was a new idea for me as well. I always felt like I had to mull over my inventory stuff forever in my head. I always felt like I had to keep my eye on the ball so to speak. However, doing the inventory has allowed me to let go of a lot of stuff that used to bounce around uselessly in my head. Sharing it with another person (my sponsor, to be precise) was very rewarding. She didn’t find anything strange or unusual on my inventory to remark upon. As a matter of fact, she shared some of the things she did. It was scary to write out an inventory, but it was stressed in the literature that writing it out was very necessary. So I finally bit the bullet and did it. And, I’m happy I did.

Having a nice two-way street relationship with my Higher Power was a new idea as well. I realized after awhile that I hadn’t been listening very well, or looking at all the little miracles that surround me. I wasn’t appreciating them, and certainly wasn’t treating my Higher Power the way I wanted to be treated. I was way too full of resentment at God, in particular. Some say that expectations are pre-meditated resentments, and God had met few of my expectations. I refused to see my blessings, or His love for me at all. Today I have conscious contact with my Higher Power and little resentment. What people do with their free will is not God’s fault, and expecting Him to cause villains to spontaneously combust is not realistic or really fair of me…. I never need to feel alone again. That is really enough for me, after all.

Letting go and letting God was another new one for me. I could give up all this negative stuff to my Higher Power and S/He would take it away? Indeed, my Higher Power can and will. God knows what to do with people, places and things that are negative to me. God will guide me so that I can avoid negative people places and things and be okay with it. I have become so much more positive, happy and free since I found recovery.

And I couldn’t do it without the Spirit.

God Centeredness

Before I found recovery, my life was definitely not God or Goddess centered. It was not always self centered; I often helped others out to the best of my limited know how. I was not too sure about God, or what God and Goddess wanted from me. I decided I wasn’t too worried about it. I thought God and Goddess were distant figures that had a kind of indifferent concern for us. I wasn’t too sure I really wanted to get really close to Them.

I often enabled others before I became addicted. I experimented, myself, occasionally with things like LSD. I was able to, for years, use marijuana occasionally without a “problem.” I rarely said things about the drug use to the people in my circle – family and friends. I had a pervasive sense of being unloved and unlovable that extended to everyone around me, including God and Goddess…. I sometimes felt like a martyr of sorts.

When I was young, I moved in with my father at age 10. I stopped going to church at this point, because my father and his wife are, as far as I can tell, atheists. I found a stash of marijuana in my dad’s wicker smoking basket at age 15 and tried it for the first time then. That was when I learned that my father, and his wife are most likely addicts. They act like actively using addicts most of the time…. I did not, and cannot now, say anything to them. Their habits and needs always came first, and they, to this day seem totally unconcerned with my welfare and emotional needs.

I met a man in the Navy and he pushed me into sex and I felt like I had invited it somehow – so I stayed with him for awhile. I ended up marrying him, more or less to get rid of him. He seemed sooo obsessed with me, I thought that if he got what he wanted he would leave me alone. My suspicions were correct. He is the one who introduced me to LSD. He often got me stoned too. I did nothing but enable him, really. I never confronted him about the drugs. I really felt, at age 19 that I needed a boyfriend for status reasons. I thought we could have a little family together, because the family and the “white picket fence” ideal was awfully close to my heart. However when I got pregnant with his child, I realized he could not be trusted around a baby – and I made moves to adopt her out.

I found another drug addict to hang out with after the divorce. This one was addicted to prescription pills, and had a small child. I became her best friend and free babysitter. I became very attached to her daughter. The custody battle made her look like the enemy, when actually the little girl’s father was worse then the mother, but presented very well. He almost got custody of the little girl. So I stuck around at the expense of enabling her, in order to help take care of the little girl. She did not like it at all when I, myself, became addicted to illegal street drugs finally.

Perhaps my codependencies – which by the time I became addicted – I was aware of, were a form of self centeredness…. I’m still not sure about that. However, I became totally self – centered when I, myself, became addicted. It was all about me during my addiction. I took lots of things personally. It was about what I wanted and needed, and if I didn’t get what I wanted and needed, I didn’t want anything to do with ya! It was almost like a complete turn around for me. It was the other extreme…. Needless to say, I had no friends during my addiction. God was there to help me find more pot and that was about it.

I was sooo angry at God and Goddess during my addiction. Nothing had worked out in my favor – I was homeless and had virtually nothing to my name. My writing – my passion -- fell by the wayside and stopped making sense, for the most part. I stopped reading and all kinds of other hobbies. I just wanted to be oblivious. However, God and Goddess still provided for me. I had food, and some comfort, and was usually able to find safe places to hide and sleep at night.

I was forced to quit the pot when I got locked up. It was while I was locked up that I realized that God and Goddess were actually listening to the things I said in my head to them. They were my only real friends most of the time I was locked up. Gradually I was able to let a lot of the anger and ugly feelings go. Oh sure, there are still traces of them there. Like most addicts, my friends I used to have weren’t actually friends after all. I was just getting used by family and friends before. I still pray for those people.

I began to pray a lot. Prayer is talking to God and Goddess and I do a lot of that, and it mostly started when I was locked up.

I have learned, since I started recovery, that my needs, emotional and otherwise are provided for in a God centered existence. It is the best way, for me, to take care of myself. I needed answers about the bad things, the tragedies that happen in life, the lack of concern my family demonstrates. I actually got answers to those things through praying for the answers….. I find that my needs get met if I try to do God’s will, stay in conscious contact with God and Goddess, and pray a lot.

Living a God-centered existence (which I’m sure I don’t do 100% of the time, still – sometimes I still forget about God) has brought me a mostly unshakable sense of serenity. I have peace within and with myself. There is no doubt in my mind I have God/dess’ grace and forgiveness. I am certain They don’t want me doing things that are unhealthy and bad for myself and others. They don’t want me to feel like crap about myself. I am guided through every rocky turn on this road. God and Goddess enable me to take deft steps around the rocks and find a good road again. God and Goddess don’t care if I don’t belong to any particular religion or spiritual path. They don’t mind that I actually belong to many.

There has been tragedy in my life recently. It hasn’t all been peachy in my life since I found recovery. I am not always happy. However, my God given sense of inner peace is nearly always there. God listens when my heart cries for mercy. God and Goddess listen to what’s in my heart, and I am provided for. I no longer feel unloved and unlovable. That is precisely because I have God and Goddess in my life actively today.

Identifying Myself As An Addict

It took me a very very long time into my recovery to admit I was an addict. Five years, as a matter of fact. I was forced into recovery by being arrested…. I had the dubious luxury of putting it off….

I knew I had a “drug problem.” However, I wasn’t so certain it was an addiction…. The illusion of control persisted for many years. I still believed I had been using pot because that’s what I really wanted to do….

I was locked up for several years as a matter of fact. I did the first four and a half years of my recovery while incarcerated. The last year I was incarcerated, I went to rehab. I got in trouble for not talking enough. First of all, I really wanted to listen to what the counselor’s and other addicts had to say. I was really listening for clues and cues that would indicate that I was an addict. I had a hard time relating to the horror stories of physical withdrawal, and hard drugs. But, I did notice that I had several similarities in my stories with others.

I persisted in going to meetings any how. For some reason unknown to me, I needed to keep listening for other clues and cues. I needed to keep hearing people’s stories. I did keep hearing clues that I might have the same problem as other people. Besides that, there was very good advice in many of the meditation books that are used in the variety of recovery programs out there. Except for when I was actually using, I’ve always been interested in spiritual growth. While I was using, I thought I’d gotten as spiritual as a person could get and there was nowhere else to go. People had told me that God loved me, but I didn’t really believe it.

I didn’t imagine that God would actually take a personal interest in my life, or allow me to get close to Him or Her.

The first years of recovery were definitely chaotic. I did however have a spiritual awakening about a year after I was forced to quit the marijuana, in spite of doing steps out of order, not doing all the steps, not going to meetings, and not even admitting I was an addict to myself. I talked to God all the time when I was locked up. There was really nobody else to talk to. I couldn’t cope without my crutch very well, and I turned to God. God was answering me, too. God comforted me. I got a bookmark that said “God is love” and it started to become apparent to me that God did love me, after all.

I believe it’s very possible if you stop using long enough you will discover new things, new adventures and find recovery. It isn’t so important to do everything the right way…. It’s more important to keep moving forward. I don’t believe that we can really experience the full value of recovery though, without admitting we are addicts.

Five years into recovery I finally spoke up at a morning meeting and identified myself as an addict.

I had been thinking about it for a few months. I felt awkward going to meetings and being the only one there that only introduced myself by first name and nothing else. I needed proof that I had been powerless over a “non-addictive” drug like marijuana. I finally decided that I wouldn’t have been driving while stoned (a lot and without a license to boot.) and smoking it in front of little children had I not been addicted to it. Those are things that I strongly disagree with, and compromising one’s values is usually a pretty reliable sign that something is gravely amiss.

Admitting I was an addict gave me a sense of belonging. I started talking a lot more in meetings and trying to contribute. I was entitled to my story, after all.

I have seven and a half years clean and sober now. I don’t think I ever really looked back on my decision to start identifying myself as an addict.

I guess all I’m really trying to say is that it’s more important to keep moving forward in recovery then it is to do everything the right way. Having a HP is awfully important in my recovery. Even more important then the steps, and such. It takes a HP to lift the obsession, and it takes a willingness to try to get a HP to lift it.