God Centeredness

Before I found recovery, my life was definitely not God or Goddess centered. It was not always self centered; I often helped others out to the best of my limited know how. I was not too sure about God, or what God and Goddess wanted from me. I decided I wasn’t too worried about it. I thought God and Goddess were distant figures that had a kind of indifferent concern for us. I wasn’t too sure I really wanted to get really close to Them.

I often enabled others before I became addicted. I experimented, myself, occasionally with things like LSD. I was able to, for years, use marijuana occasionally without a “problem.” I rarely said things about the drug use to the people in my circle – family and friends. I had a pervasive sense of being unloved and unlovable that extended to everyone around me, including God and Goddess…. I sometimes felt like a martyr of sorts.

When I was young, I moved in with my father at age 10. I stopped going to church at this point, because my father and his wife are, as far as I can tell, atheists. I found a stash of marijuana in my dad’s wicker smoking basket at age 15 and tried it for the first time then. That was when I learned that my father, and his wife are most likely addicts. They act like actively using addicts most of the time…. I did not, and cannot now, say anything to them. Their habits and needs always came first, and they, to this day seem totally unconcerned with my welfare and emotional needs.

I met a man in the Navy and he pushed me into sex and I felt like I had invited it somehow – so I stayed with him for awhile. I ended up marrying him, more or less to get rid of him. He seemed sooo obsessed with me, I thought that if he got what he wanted he would leave me alone. My suspicions were correct. He is the one who introduced me to LSD. He often got me stoned too. I did nothing but enable him, really. I never confronted him about the drugs. I really felt, at age 19 that I needed a boyfriend for status reasons. I thought we could have a little family together, because the family and the “white picket fence” ideal was awfully close to my heart. However when I got pregnant with his child, I realized he could not be trusted around a baby – and I made moves to adopt her out.

I found another drug addict to hang out with after the divorce. This one was addicted to prescription pills, and had a small child. I became her best friend and free babysitter. I became very attached to her daughter. The custody battle made her look like the enemy, when actually the little girl’s father was worse then the mother, but presented very well. He almost got custody of the little girl. So I stuck around at the expense of enabling her, in order to help take care of the little girl. She did not like it at all when I, myself, became addicted to illegal street drugs finally.

Perhaps my codependencies – which by the time I became addicted – I was aware of, were a form of self centeredness…. I’m still not sure about that. However, I became totally self – centered when I, myself, became addicted. It was all about me during my addiction. I took lots of things personally. It was about what I wanted and needed, and if I didn’t get what I wanted and needed, I didn’t want anything to do with ya! It was almost like a complete turn around for me. It was the other extreme…. Needless to say, I had no friends during my addiction. God was there to help me find more pot and that was about it.

I was sooo angry at God and Goddess during my addiction. Nothing had worked out in my favor – I was homeless and had virtually nothing to my name. My writing – my passion -- fell by the wayside and stopped making sense, for the most part. I stopped reading and all kinds of other hobbies. I just wanted to be oblivious. However, God and Goddess still provided for me. I had food, and some comfort, and was usually able to find safe places to hide and sleep at night.

I was forced to quit the pot when I got locked up. It was while I was locked up that I realized that God and Goddess were actually listening to the things I said in my head to them. They were my only real friends most of the time I was locked up. Gradually I was able to let a lot of the anger and ugly feelings go. Oh sure, there are still traces of them there. Like most addicts, my friends I used to have weren’t actually friends after all. I was just getting used by family and friends before. I still pray for those people.

I began to pray a lot. Prayer is talking to God and Goddess and I do a lot of that, and it mostly started when I was locked up.

I have learned, since I started recovery, that my needs, emotional and otherwise are provided for in a God centered existence. It is the best way, for me, to take care of myself. I needed answers about the bad things, the tragedies that happen in life, the lack of concern my family demonstrates. I actually got answers to those things through praying for the answers….. I find that my needs get met if I try to do God’s will, stay in conscious contact with God and Goddess, and pray a lot.

Living a God-centered existence (which I’m sure I don’t do 100% of the time, still – sometimes I still forget about God) has brought me a mostly unshakable sense of serenity. I have peace within and with myself. There is no doubt in my mind I have God/dess’ grace and forgiveness. I am certain They don’t want me doing things that are unhealthy and bad for myself and others. They don’t want me to feel like crap about myself. I am guided through every rocky turn on this road. God and Goddess enable me to take deft steps around the rocks and find a good road again. God and Goddess don’t care if I don’t belong to any particular religion or spiritual path. They don’t mind that I actually belong to many.

There has been tragedy in my life recently. It hasn’t all been peachy in my life since I found recovery. I am not always happy. However, my God given sense of inner peace is nearly always there. God listens when my heart cries for mercy. God and Goddess listen to what’s in my heart, and I am provided for. I no longer feel unloved and unlovable. That is precisely because I have God and Goddess in my life actively today.