Identifying Myself As An Addict

It took me a very very long time into my recovery to admit I was an addict. Five years, as a matter of fact. I was forced into recovery by being arrested…. I had the dubious luxury of putting it off….

I knew I had a “drug problem.” However, I wasn’t so certain it was an addiction…. The illusion of control persisted for many years. I still believed I had been using pot because that’s what I really wanted to do….

I was locked up for several years as a matter of fact. I did the first four and a half years of my recovery while incarcerated. The last year I was incarcerated, I went to rehab. I got in trouble for not talking enough. First of all, I really wanted to listen to what the counselor’s and other addicts had to say. I was really listening for clues and cues that would indicate that I was an addict. I had a hard time relating to the horror stories of physical withdrawal, and hard drugs. But, I did notice that I had several similarities in my stories with others.

I persisted in going to meetings any how. For some reason unknown to me, I needed to keep listening for other clues and cues. I needed to keep hearing people’s stories. I did keep hearing clues that I might have the same problem as other people. Besides that, there was very good advice in many of the meditation books that are used in the variety of recovery programs out there. Except for when I was actually using, I’ve always been interested in spiritual growth. While I was using, I thought I’d gotten as spiritual as a person could get and there was nowhere else to go. People had told me that God loved me, but I didn’t really believe it.

I didn’t imagine that God would actually take a personal interest in my life, or allow me to get close to Him or Her.

The first years of recovery were definitely chaotic. I did however have a spiritual awakening about a year after I was forced to quit the marijuana, in spite of doing steps out of order, not doing all the steps, not going to meetings, and not even admitting I was an addict to myself. I talked to God all the time when I was locked up. There was really nobody else to talk to. I couldn’t cope without my crutch very well, and I turned to God. God was answering me, too. God comforted me. I got a bookmark that said “God is love” and it started to become apparent to me that God did love me, after all.

I believe it’s very possible if you stop using long enough you will discover new things, new adventures and find recovery. It isn’t so important to do everything the right way…. It’s more important to keep moving forward. I don’t believe that we can really experience the full value of recovery though, without admitting we are addicts.

Five years into recovery I finally spoke up at a morning meeting and identified myself as an addict.

I had been thinking about it for a few months. I felt awkward going to meetings and being the only one there that only introduced myself by first name and nothing else. I needed proof that I had been powerless over a “non-addictive” drug like marijuana. I finally decided that I wouldn’t have been driving while stoned (a lot and without a license to boot.) and smoking it in front of little children had I not been addicted to it. Those are things that I strongly disagree with, and compromising one’s values is usually a pretty reliable sign that something is gravely amiss.

Admitting I was an addict gave me a sense of belonging. I started talking a lot more in meetings and trying to contribute. I was entitled to my story, after all.

I have seven and a half years clean and sober now. I don’t think I ever really looked back on my decision to start identifying myself as an addict.

I guess all I’m really trying to say is that it’s more important to keep moving forward in recovery then it is to do everything the right way. Having a HP is awfully important in my recovery. Even more important then the steps, and such. It takes a HP to lift the obsession, and it takes a willingness to try to get a HP to lift it.