New Ideas

When I was first forced into recovery, I had so much time on my hands I was forced also to do a lot of re-evaluation of my old ideas. I had lots of time and not many places I could go. I was so sick and tired of everyone including myself. I wanted to die. I wanted to grab a gun from a guard, and shoot, not him, but myself.

I had to do a lot of thinking about where my addiction had led me, even though it took me five years to call that spade a spade. Addiction made real the symptoms of my illness – especially isolation. I willingly isolated myself physically, emotionally and spiritually from other people. That, however, had the surprisingly pleasant side effect of distancing me from all the addicts and codependents I know.

I had been ill long before I ever picked up that first drug. I felt unloved, uncared for and isolated from others. I had clinical depression, and low self-esteem. I was the classic care-taker type without being allowed to take care of the addicts in my family. To them, I was simply underfoot all the time: a nuisance who was in the way. I tried oh so hard to fix my parents and other older addicts in the family. I thought I had the greatest advice and held plenty of great solutions. I picked up after everyone much like Cinderella, and was just as appreciated as she was.

When I was forced to leave home and join the military under my parent’s orders, I immediately began to recreate a more “powerful” caretaker’s dream. I sought out troubled young men to fix. I finally found a devil worshipper to fix. He was quite literally, very much into devil worship and I ended up marrying him. He was also a devoted drug addict and alcoholic. I’m sure I got hurt much worse then he did in that relationship.

It was definitely a spiritual illness as well. I felt disconnected from the Spirit for a very, very long time. Before I found recovery I felt totally unloved by any God or Goddess. I certainly didn’t look up to Him or Her. I turned my back on Him or Her a lot. I had the world on my shoulders, and I knew exactly what to do with it!

I had several humbling Spiritual experiences half way through my addiction. However, I was still unconvinced that God/dess cared for me. I knew then that God had been personally involved in my life for quite some time at that point, but then I became angry at Them. I really did feel, quite often that I was in hell, and would literally end up there because of all my failures to fix people in my life, as well as my own personal screw ups.

But I began to recover in lock up, as we all do when the drugs are removed from our realities for awhile. I picked up several new ideas about my life and about God and Goddess in particular.

The biggest new idea was that I could really take care of myself, after all, if God would help me. Taking care of myself was a new objective. I didn’t need to be codependent on anyone. Codependency is not exactly like addiction, in that there is no need or craving to return to that lifestyle. God set me free, and I was willingly set free. I was also literally set free from captivity slowly over several years in stages. I learned that I wanted to take care of myself, and perhaps even enjoyed being single. I don’t have to fix anyone, and I certainly don’t have to help anyone with anything if I don’t want to! I help people now because I want to, not because I feel I have to or that I suspect God/dess will not help them.

Sponsorship was a completely new idea as well. That I could have a guide and empathetic ear to listen to me throughout my recovery was a wonderful idea. I am not enthusiastic about changes in my thinking, feeling, or reality, so I was not enthusiastic about having a sponsor. I honestly was afraid I’d end up with a hard-arse control freak who wanted to micromanage my life. I thank my lucky stars I have never ended up with anything like that for a sponsor, and because I can take care of myself, I certainly wouldn’t have to put up with it if I did.

Doing a written inventory was a new idea for me as well. I always felt like I had to mull over my inventory stuff forever in my head. I always felt like I had to keep my eye on the ball so to speak. However, doing the inventory has allowed me to let go of a lot of stuff that used to bounce around uselessly in my head. Sharing it with another person (my sponsor, to be precise) was very rewarding. She didn’t find anything strange or unusual on my inventory to remark upon. As a matter of fact, she shared some of the things she did. It was scary to write out an inventory, but it was stressed in the literature that writing it out was very necessary. So I finally bit the bullet and did it. And, I’m happy I did.

Having a nice two-way street relationship with my Higher Power was a new idea as well. I realized after awhile that I hadn’t been listening very well, or looking at all the little miracles that surround me. I wasn’t appreciating them, and certainly wasn’t treating my Higher Power the way I wanted to be treated. I was way too full of resentment at God, in particular. Some say that expectations are pre-meditated resentments, and God had met few of my expectations. I refused to see my blessings, or His love for me at all. Today I have conscious contact with my Higher Power and little resentment. What people do with their free will is not God’s fault, and expecting Him to cause villains to spontaneously combust is not realistic or really fair of me…. I never need to feel alone again. That is really enough for me, after all.

Letting go and letting God was another new one for me. I could give up all this negative stuff to my Higher Power and S/He would take it away? Indeed, my Higher Power can and will. God knows what to do with people, places and things that are negative to me. God will guide me so that I can avoid negative people places and things and be okay with it. I have become so much more positive, happy and free since I found recovery.

And I couldn’t do it without the Spirit.