Foundation First

I really feel as if I am still working on building a good foundation for my future yet…. Quite frankly, I am not making enough meetings for me and my needs. However I am being as honest as possible, I am willing to let my life revolve around recovery, and am open minded enough to listen and listen as well as I can at the meetings I go to and the meditations and recovery literature I read. I often have to remind myself that recovery is my priority. I have to remind myself the days in which I do not use or drink are actually successes, in spite of how bad they might have turned out.

I was languishing the first few years of recovery really. I wasn’t really into the whole idea of recovering at all. Being clean and sober was forced upon me, as I have said before. I really didn’t care about the future…. All I cared and obsessed about was getting high when I was released. I felt so hopeless about the future. After all, I had criminal charges, impossible debts, and a couple of severe/serious mental illnesses; I really felt as if I had no future whatsoever. People aren’t likely to hire someone like me for anything but minimum wage jobs…. However, I grew used to the idea of recovery about three years after being locked up and willingly went to rehab at the mental institution I was locked up at.

I discovered that I had become inextricably dependent on my higher power those first few years. People were not writing and calling. I made very, very few friends during my lock-up. I talked primarily to my Higher Power, and was answered all the time, in a variety of ways. My Higher Power was really my best friend during my incarceration. I didn’t feel that bad really. My clinical depression was treated within months of being first locked up. It was that depression which went on for more then twenty years that led to my, at first, recreational drug use and eventual and inevitable dependence. I was so relieved to have the depression finally treated that my first few years of sobriety were at worst – nice. I felt good.

My foundation, then, is based upon that relationship with my Higher Power that grew and developed oh so much during the first few years. I had never felt like I needed God or Goddess or anything much before I was locked up. And if it wasn’t for my Higher Power, those years would have been impossibly lonely. I talked to my Higher Power about everything. I asked all those burning questions of God and Goddess that had been burning in the back of my mind for so long. Believe it or not I got many answers.

I will always remember that period of my life when my only friend was my Higher Power. My only family was my Higher Power. And, it was quite alright. I was doing fine. They say the best revenge is living well, and I guess I had my revenge on those people who had all turned their backs on me during that time.

I still talk to my Higher Power every single day – most of the day, actually. I really value my friends, and I consider my Higher Power my friend. My Higher Power let me know during that time that S/He did not want me using drugs and destroying my body, relationship and mind. S/He let me know that S/He wanted me to be healthy and even, who knew? Happy.

I added meetings to my foundation. I added the fellowship of the program. I still feel like I could use more program friends/family. I probably don’t make enough phone calls to other people in the program or reach out like I should to others. However, I am still relatively new to the town in which I live and I respect and realize that it takes time, sometimes years, to build a good support system and trusting relationships with new friends.

I also am having financial problems, and would enjoy the opportunity to build a solid financial future for myself. However it is likely I will be attending online classes in IT in order to fix that part of my foundation that is more or less, unfinished.

Honesty, open mindedness and willingness are the great ingredients upon which to build a lasting foundation along with a strong relationship to one’s Higher Power. I don’t think anyone’s Higher Power wants them destroying themselves, and we can rely on that Higher Power to help build a very good foundation. I think I am doing okay in building a nice solid foundation with my Higher Power’s help, even if I am doing it rather slowly (imho). There is also humility, friendship and love – all things which I am still working on….

I think I am going to make it – one day at a time.