What Am I Feeling?

I have something I never had before recovery. It’s called serenity. It’s there most of the time. I’m not serene all the time, because I am not perfect. I like it. It’s valuable and irreplaceable and would inevitably disappear were I to go back to the drug induced lifestyle I was living. It means I am at ease with myself and with my Higher Power no matter what is going on. I rarely encounter stormy seas and stormy emotions when I am in a safe harbor with my higher power. My serenity is fed by the fact that I didn’t use today – nor do I have to use drugs today.

I also feel a lot of love in recovery. I especially like the self-love stuff. My higher power went out of His/Her way to show me why I am a lovable person, and I learned to love myself through Their eyes. I haven’t done anything unforgivable in Their eyes. I haven’t been too gross or disgusting to be loved by Them. I may have burned bridges – however I was taught that we are all responsible for our own feelings and that I didn’t cause all those feelings, even the negative ones, in others. I learned not to take it personally.

Today I am feeling a little frustrated with my program and my routine. I feel like I cannot get myself fully on track. I don’t feel bad, per say, but I do feel a little frustrated. I know I am not going to enough meetings. I am frustrated with trying to make friends in the program. I like to stick with the women in the program, because it seems like more often then not, the opposite sex gets confused about the nature of the relationship. I call people who don’t return my calls…. I’m having difficulty finding safe rides to the meetings, because I don’t have a car. The bus doesn’t always go to the meetings, either.

In my town, I am one of the old timers in the NA program. Which is kind of sad, actually. I only have (almost) 8 years. Very few people in the NA program here in town have more then 2. I’m not sure why it isn’t working for people here as well as it should. There aren’t any women who have long term sobriety in NA around here. So, a lot of the time I go to the AA meetings to find other women who have some quantity as well as quality sobriety. Alcohol never was an issue for me before – I have no tolerance for the stuff. That, and I do not really like alcohol at all. Which is not to say that it couldn’t turn into a problem were I to pick it up again, but it never was a problem before. So I guess I feel a little bit alienated, too, in these recovery programs.

I also feel a lot of hope these days. I have started at a new online school for I.T. and hope the third time is a charm when it comes to a degree program. I tried English/Creative Writing and AODA before. This is the third degree I have tried for. I found that I have been taking various computer classes throughout my college career. I think I might even be able to make a decent living in I.T. too. Computers are a passion of mine, and they may be the only passion I have that could be lucrative. I need to stick to it, though.

I find that sobriety brings with it a whole range of feelings. They all come back when we stop abusing our bodies and minds. I felt a lot of hate towards most people when I first quit smoking pot all the time. I couldn’t explain it, and I certainly didn’t like it. I’ve never been comfortable with the emotion hate. That faded, however and I only hate perverts these days. I can’t seem to help that…. I had deep seated resentments towards others too that surfaced after I was forced to quit. I don’t like feeling out of control. When I was using I guess I was too numb to notice that I was out of control, not just feeling that way.

I think we all have negative feelings towards our higher power when we start to use drugs. I think we all have negative feelings towards ourselves and a bad self image. Feelings are powerful things. I think it’s important to find that God-given serenity as soon as possible in recovery. It takes some serenity to know that feelings are not facts. It takes some confidence to know that in spite of negative feelings that come up: this too shall pass.

And, it does….