Spirituality and Recovery

What Am I Feeling?

2010-07-04T21:08:00.000-05:00

I have something I never had before recovery. It’s called serenity. It’s there most of the time. I’m not serene all the time, because I am not perfect. I like it. It’s valuable and irreplaceable and would inevitably disappear were I to go back to the drug induced lifestyle I was living. It means I am at ease with myself and with my Higher Power no matter what is going on. I rarely encounter stormy seas and stormy emotions when I am in a safe harbor with my higher power. My serenity is fed by the fact that I didn’t use today – nor do I have to use drugs today.

I also feel a lot of love in recovery. I especially like the self-love stuff. My higher power went out of His/Her way to show me why I am a lovable person, and I learned to love myself through Their eyes. I haven’t done anything unforgivable in Their eyes. I haven’t been too gross or disgusting to be loved by Them. I may have burned bridges – however I was taught that we are all responsible for our own feelings and that I didn’t cause all those feelings, even the negative ones, in others. I learned not to take it personally.

Today I am feeling a little frustrated with my program and my routine. I feel like I cannot get myself fully on track. I don’t feel bad, per say, but I do feel a little frustrated. I know I am not going to enough meetings. I am frustrated with trying to make friends in the program. I like to stick with the women in the program, because it seems like more often then not, the opposite sex gets confused about the nature of the relationship. I call people who don’t return my calls…. I’m having difficulty finding safe rides to the meetings, because I don’t have a car. The bus doesn’t always go to the meetings, either.

In my town, I am one of the old timers in the NA program. Which is kind of sad, actually. I only have (almost) 8 years. Very few people in the NA program here in town have more then 2. I’m not sure why it isn’t working for people here as well as it should. There aren’t any women who have long term sobriety in NA around here. So, a lot of the time I go to the AA meetings to find other women who have some quantity as well as quality sobriety. Alcohol never was an issue for me before – I have no tolerance for the stuff. That, and I do not really like alcohol at all. Which is not to say that it couldn’t turn into a problem were I to pick it up again, but it never was a problem before. So I guess I feel a little bit alienated, too, in these recovery programs.

I also feel a lot of hope these days. I have started at a new online school for I.T. and hope the third time is a charm when it comes to a degree program. I tried English/Creative Writing and AODA before. This is the third degree I have tried for. I found that I have been taking various computer classes throughout my college career. I think I might even be able to make a decent living in I.T. too. Computers are a passion of mine, and they may be the only passion I have that could be lucrative. I need to stick to it, though.

I find that sobriety brings with it a whole range of feelings. They all come back when we stop abusing our bodies and minds. I felt a lot of hate towards most people when I first quit smoking pot all the time. I couldn’t explain it, and I certainly didn’t like it. I’ve never been comfortable with the emotion hate. That faded, however and I only hate perverts these days. I can’t seem to help that…. I had deep seated resentments towards others too that surfaced after I was forced to quit. I don’t like feeling out of control. When I was using I guess I was too numb to notice that I was out of control, not just feeling that way.

I think we all have negative feelings towards our higher power when we start to use drugs. I think we all have negative feelings towards ourselves and a bad self image. Feelings are powerful things. I think it’s important to find that God-given serenity as soon as possible in recovery. It takes some serenity to know that feelings are not facts. It takes some confidence to know that in spite of negative feelings that come up: this too shall pass.

And, it does….

What Is Spirituality?

2010-05-19T21:29:00.003-05:00

Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him (or Her), praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I think step 11 sums up very well what spirituality is. It is a personal relationship with the Creator or the Spirit. It is a two-way relationship. That means listening to the Spirit and talking to the Spirit. You can find spirituality in religion, and you can find it outside of religion. You can also find religion without spirituality.

I think religion without spirituality relies mainly on dogma. These are things that others say about the Creator. Dogma is the set of rules in a religion that others have written down or say that God wants us to follow. I think dogma can really get in the way of having a personal relationship with our Creator. I think some use dogma as a shield to not have to talk to or listen to the Creator and what S/He says to us now. Some dogma is true, some is opinions, and some is outright false, I believe.

I saw on a sign outside of a church once which said, “Everything is spiritual.” I know what that means to me. My God is everywhere – in everything. My God talks to me in all kinds of ways – and I am there listening, which I think encourages God to talk to me more. There are so many opportunities anywhere you go to have spiritual experiences. I can talk to God and Goddess anywhere I go and there They are.

I love that recovery programs are not religious…. There is not a lot of writing about how to believe in God and/or how to live in order to please God. Nobody is the boss of my spirituality in recovery. I am free to develop my own relationship with the Creator. I am free to understand God the way I understand God. The step says, “God, as we understand Him.” Not God as some dumb guy understands him. Not God as is written in a book. We do not worship books in recovery as a general rule. There are no weird, or even sensible religious rituals or ceremonies in recovery. It is a come-as-you-are policy.

The Spirit to me is love, and that means unconditional love. I consider myself to be more spiritual then religious, because I don’t believe I have to do all sorts of bizarre and/or reasonable things to earn God’s love. God loves me no matter what I dress like. God loves me no matter what I do. I know that God loved me in my using days, because God and Goddess, both, found ways to communicate with me and let me know they were still there for me. I had food and often shelter, when it was available.

My impression of religions is that they seem to promote the idea that we must earn God’s love, or that somehow we are not worthy of our Creator’s love. I love me. I don’t know how to act as someone or something other then myself. I don’t do things that seem strange to me because someone else tells me that I should do them to find God’s love or grace. I can’t see the Creator any other way. Why shouldn’t God love me?

I think that is a primary change for me. I learned that I wasn’t really worthy of God’s love somehow as a child. I used to think that I was spiritual until I realized that a distant relationship with Someone who is always there is not really spiritual after all. There is no reason for that distance, and it was all my distance.

It is okay in recovery that I believe in a Goddess. It is okay in recovery that I believe in Jesus. I don’t have to go around annoying people and possibly burning bridges by preaching and trying to convert others. I know that God/dess is there for others. I know that God doesn’t expect us to always be right, or even understand what is going on. I will never understand everything about God, and I don’t even try. Some people’s hold on the God concept is fragile and my pushing my beliefs down someone else’s throat could loosen their hold or even provoke them to let go. There is usually a good reason for people having fragile relationships with the Creator.

I also don’t have to listen to people preaching or evangelizing to me. I don’t have to do things anyone else’s way. That is the freedom in spirituality – which is everywhere. Religion is not everywhere and no matter what some people think, it does not cover everything. Spirituality is all, to me….

Foundation First

2010-05-08T19:31:00.000-05:00

I really feel as if I am still working on building a good foundation for my future yet…. Quite frankly, I am not making enough meetings for me and my needs. However I am being as honest as possible, I am willing to let my life revolve around recovery, and am open minded enough to listen and listen as well as I can at the meetings I go to and the meditations and recovery literature I read. I often have to remind myself that recovery is my priority. I have to remind myself the days in which I do not use or drink are actually successes, in spite of how bad they might have turned out.

I was languishing the first few years of recovery really. I wasn’t really into the whole idea of recovering at all. Being clean and sober was forced upon me, as I have said before. I really didn’t care about the future…. All I cared and obsessed about was getting high when I was released. I felt so hopeless about the future. After all, I had criminal charges, impossible debts, and a couple of severe/serious mental illnesses; I really felt as if I had no future whatsoever. People aren’t likely to hire someone like me for anything but minimum wage jobs…. However, I grew used to the idea of recovery about three years after being locked up and willingly went to rehab at the mental institution I was locked up at.

I discovered that I had become inextricably dependent on my higher power those first few years. People were not writing and calling. I made very, very few friends during my lock-up. I talked primarily to my Higher Power, and was answered all the time, in a variety of ways. My Higher Power was really my best friend during my incarceration. I didn’t feel that bad really. My clinical depression was treated within months of being first locked up. It was that depression which went on for more then twenty years that led to my, at first, recreational drug use and eventual and inevitable dependence. I was so relieved to have the depression finally treated that my first few years of sobriety were at worst – nice. I felt good.

My foundation, then, is based upon that relationship with my Higher Power that grew and developed oh so much during the first few years. I had never felt like I needed God or Goddess or anything much before I was locked up. And if it wasn’t for my Higher Power, those years would have been impossibly lonely. I talked to my Higher Power about everything. I asked all those burning questions of God and Goddess that had been burning in the back of my mind for so long. Believe it or not I got many answers.

I will always remember that period of my life when my only friend was my Higher Power. My only family was my Higher Power. And, it was quite alright. I was doing fine. They say the best revenge is living well, and I guess I had my revenge on those people who had all turned their backs on me during that time.

I still talk to my Higher Power every single day – most of the day, actually. I really value my friends, and I consider my Higher Power my friend. My Higher Power let me know during that time that S/He did not want me using drugs and destroying my body, relationship and mind. S/He let me know that S/He wanted me to be healthy and even, who knew? Happy.

I added meetings to my foundation. I added the fellowship of the program. I still feel like I could use more program friends/family. I probably don’t make enough phone calls to other people in the program or reach out like I should to others. However, I am still relatively new to the town in which I live and I respect and realize that it takes time, sometimes years, to build a good support system and trusting relationships with new friends.

I also am having financial problems, and would enjoy the opportunity to build a solid financial future for myself. However it is likely I will be attending online classes in IT in order to fix that part of my foundation that is more or less, unfinished.

Honesty, open mindedness and willingness are the great ingredients upon which to build a lasting foundation along with a strong relationship to one’s Higher Power. I don’t think anyone’s Higher Power wants them destroying themselves, and we can rely on that Higher Power to help build a very good foundation. I think I am doing okay in building a nice solid foundation with my Higher Power’s help, even if I am doing it rather slowly (imho). There is also humility, friendship and love – all things which I am still working on….

I think I am going to make it – one day at a time.

The Message

2010-04-26T03:36:00.000-05:00

Step twelve talks about carrying the message to the addict who still suffers. “Our message is hope and the promise of freedom. When it is said and done, our primary purpose can only be to carry the message to the addict who still suffers because that is all we have to give.”

This to me is about love. My higher power is love, as I have stated before, and to stop using drugs is an act of unconditional self-love. It is also an act of unconditional love of others. My higher power has shown me unconditional love, and I love it. My message is an attempt to show unconditional love for myself and others. I do my best to display and embody it to everyone. Of course, my attention and patience is limited. I am not a doormat, nor do I pursue people and sponsees in an attempt to “give to” them, when it is clear that my message is not being received. Nor, do I waste my time trying to get people to love me back. Of course, I spend more time with those who seem to love me back, but I can and do care about everyone I meet in this program.

I am a people, too. I don’t believe I have to sacrifice myself in order to reach those who just don’t seem to “get it.” All I can really do to carry the message to those who are still suffering from addiction is to live and thrive. It’s been said, the best revenge is to live well. This I can do. I live my life with passion and creativity. I live my life to the fullest. I often have a great time doing it, too. I don’t need those chemical “enhancements” to have a good time, or feel good. I especially cannot feel good about who I am if I am doing things to destroy myself.

The only way to get better is to recover.

Oh yeah, freedom; freedom is wonderful. I love it. Funny how since I have started recovery and perhaps, since I am no longer homeless, the police have left me alone entirely. I don’t tolerate people that try to take freedom away from me. I don’t put up with people who want to control and censor me. I don’t feel like I need to be with someone any longer in order to get drugs, money, shelter or rides places. I have taken my responsibility that comes with true freedom. I wouldn’t want anything other then freedom in my life, to live the way I wish to live, and be happy doing so.

I think that many people are frightened of the real responsibilities that go hand in hand with being truly free. They pay lip service to the ideal of freedom, however they take no responsibility. They are living in fear, for real. There is no freedom living a life filled with fear. Most drugs have the unpleasant side effect of paranoia. It’s really hard to perceive, feel, and live a life of freedom when one is paranoid. People who still suffer often think that they are free, but truly are not.

All I can do really, as it says in the intro, is to carry the message by living the message. I have hope and my freedom. It’s easy for people who don’t want to hear it to point out the flaws of my life and say they don’t want what I have, because I have mental disabilities that interfere with having the 9-5 job that represents “responsibility” in most people’s eyes. I also do not have a car. But that is symptomatic of the materialistic slavery that people perceive as being responsible. I cannot prove to people that do not want to see that I am happy, and otherwise healthy. I have enough money to get by on, but then again, money and material things do not create happiness.

Being clean and sober does not give people mental illnesses that interfere with the 9-5 lifestyle. There is more to me then that…. However there are many around me in recovery that have the material things and the 9-5 job. I am here to show others that happiness, freedom and feeling good about yourself is possible even without the trappings of material success…..

I am working on that, but I would not trade my self confidence, values and serenity for any material things. I have love in my life today. I feel it around me. I give it to those around me. I suspect that many don’t appreciate me till I am gone, however I can always find more love. My HP loves me all the time, no matter what. I love it! I can always find my HP no matter where I am or what I am doing. My HP was there before, during and after my active addiction. That is wonderful to me, and my HP wants me to be free and happy.

I have hope that I am carrying the message to at least a few people that need to hear it. That, indeed is all I can give to them. That is the best I can hope for, really….

New Ideas

2010-04-19T18:45:00.001-05:00

When I was first forced into recovery, I had so much time on my hands I was forced also to do a lot of re-evaluation of my old ideas. I had lots of time and not many places I could go. I was so sick and tired of everyone including myself. I wanted to die. I wanted to grab a gun from a guard, and shoot, not him, but myself.

I had to do a lot of thinking about where my addiction had led me, even though it took me five years to call that spade a spade. Addiction made real the symptoms of my illness – especially isolation. I willingly isolated myself physically, emotionally and spiritually from other people. That, however, had the surprisingly pleasant side effect of distancing me from all the addicts and codependents I know.

I had been ill long before I ever picked up that first drug. I felt unloved, uncared for and isolated from others. I had clinical depression, and low self-esteem. I was the classic care-taker type without being allowed to take care of the addicts in my family. To them, I was simply underfoot all the time: a nuisance who was in the way. I tried oh so hard to fix my parents and other older addicts in the family. I thought I had the greatest advice and held plenty of great solutions. I picked up after everyone much like Cinderella, and was just as appreciated as she was.

When I was forced to leave home and join the military under my parent’s orders, I immediately began to recreate a more “powerful” caretaker’s dream. I sought out troubled young men to fix. I finally found a devil worshipper to fix. He was quite literally, very much into devil worship and I ended up marrying him. He was also a devoted drug addict and alcoholic. I’m sure I got hurt much worse then he did in that relationship.

It was definitely a spiritual illness as well. I felt disconnected from the Spirit for a very, very long time. Before I found recovery I felt totally unloved by any God or Goddess. I certainly didn’t look up to Him or Her. I turned my back on Him or Her a lot. I had the world on my shoulders, and I knew exactly what to do with it!

I had several humbling Spiritual experiences half way through my addiction. However, I was still unconvinced that God/dess cared for me. I knew then that God had been personally involved in my life for quite some time at that point, but then I became angry at Them. I really did feel, quite often that I was in hell, and would literally end up there because of all my failures to fix people in my life, as well as my own personal screw ups.

But I began to recover in lock up, as we all do when the drugs are removed from our realities for awhile. I picked up several new ideas about my life and about God and Goddess in particular.

The biggest new idea was that I could really take care of myself, after all, if God would help me. Taking care of myself was a new objective. I didn’t need to be codependent on anyone. Codependency is not exactly like addiction, in that there is no need or craving to return to that lifestyle. God set me free, and I was willingly set free. I was also literally set free from captivity slowly over several years in stages. I learned that I wanted to take care of myself, and perhaps even enjoyed being single. I don’t have to fix anyone, and I certainly don’t have to help anyone with anything if I don’t want to! I help people now because I want to, not because I feel I have to or that I suspect God/dess will not help them.

Sponsorship was a completely new idea as well. That I could have a guide and empathetic ear to listen to me throughout my recovery was a wonderful idea. I am not enthusiastic about changes in my thinking, feeling, or reality, so I was not enthusiastic about having a sponsor. I honestly was afraid I’d end up with a hard-arse control freak who wanted to micromanage my life. I thank my lucky stars I have never ended up with anything like that for a sponsor, and because I can take care of myself, I certainly wouldn’t have to put up with it if I did.

Doing a written inventory was a new idea for me as well. I always felt like I had to mull over my inventory stuff forever in my head. I always felt like I had to keep my eye on the ball so to speak. However, doing the inventory has allowed me to let go of a lot of stuff that used to bounce around uselessly in my head. Sharing it with another person (my sponsor, to be precise) was very rewarding. She didn’t find anything strange or unusual on my inventory to remark upon. As a matter of fact, she shared some of the things she did. It was scary to write out an inventory, but it was stressed in the literature that writing it out was very necessary. So I finally bit the bullet and did it. And, I’m happy I did.

Having a nice two-way street relationship with my Higher Power was a new idea as well. I realized after awhile that I hadn’t been listening very well, or looking at all the little miracles that surround me. I wasn’t appreciating them, and certainly wasn’t treating my Higher Power the way I wanted to be treated. I was way too full of resentment at God, in particular. Some say that expectations are pre-meditated resentments, and God had met few of my expectations. I refused to see my blessings, or His love for me at all. Today I have conscious contact with my Higher Power and little resentment. What people do with their free will is not God’s fault, and expecting Him to cause villains to spontaneously combust is not realistic or really fair of me…. I never need to feel alone again. That is really enough for me, after all.

Letting go and letting God was another new one for me. I could give up all this negative stuff to my Higher Power and S/He would take it away? Indeed, my Higher Power can and will. God knows what to do with people, places and things that are negative to me. God will guide me so that I can avoid negative people places and things and be okay with it. I have become so much more positive, happy and free since I found recovery.

And I couldn’t do it without the Spirit.

God Centeredness

2010-04-09T16:05:00.000-05:00

Before I found recovery, my life was definitely not God or Goddess centered. It was not always self centered; I often helped others out to the best of my limited know how. I was not too sure about God, or what God and Goddess wanted from me. I decided I wasn’t too worried about it. I thought God and Goddess were distant figures that had a kind of indifferent concern for us. I wasn’t too sure I really wanted to get really close to Them.

I often enabled others before I became addicted. I experimented, myself, occasionally with things like LSD. I was able to, for years, use marijuana occasionally without a “problem.” I rarely said things about the drug use to the people in my circle – family and friends. I had a pervasive sense of being unloved and unlovable that extended to everyone around me, including God and Goddess…. I sometimes felt like a martyr of sorts.

When I was young, I moved in with my father at age 10. I stopped going to church at this point, because my father and his wife are, as far as I can tell, atheists. I found a stash of marijuana in my dad’s wicker smoking basket at age 15 and tried it for the first time then. That was when I learned that my father, and his wife are most likely addicts. They act like actively using addicts most of the time…. I did not, and cannot now, say anything to them. Their habits and needs always came first, and they, to this day seem totally unconcerned with my welfare and emotional needs.

I met a man in the Navy and he pushed me into sex and I felt like I had invited it somehow – so I stayed with him for awhile. I ended up marrying him, more or less to get rid of him. He seemed sooo obsessed with me, I thought that if he got what he wanted he would leave me alone. My suspicions were correct. He is the one who introduced me to LSD. He often got me stoned too. I did nothing but enable him, really. I never confronted him about the drugs. I really felt, at age 19 that I needed a boyfriend for status reasons. I thought we could have a little family together, because the family and the “white picket fence” ideal was awfully close to my heart. However when I got pregnant with his child, I realized he could not be trusted around a baby – and I made moves to adopt her out.

I found another drug addict to hang out with after the divorce. This one was addicted to prescription pills, and had a small child. I became her best friend and free babysitter. I became very attached to her daughter. The custody battle made her look like the enemy, when actually the little girl’s father was worse then the mother, but presented very well. He almost got custody of the little girl. So I stuck around at the expense of enabling her, in order to help take care of the little girl. She did not like it at all when I, myself, became addicted to illegal street drugs finally.

Perhaps my codependencies – which by the time I became addicted – I was aware of, were a form of self centeredness…. I’m still not sure about that. However, I became totally self – centered when I, myself, became addicted. It was all about me during my addiction. I took lots of things personally. It was about what I wanted and needed, and if I didn’t get what I wanted and needed, I didn’t want anything to do with ya! It was almost like a complete turn around for me. It was the other extreme…. Needless to say, I had no friends during my addiction. God was there to help me find more pot and that was about it.

I was sooo angry at God and Goddess during my addiction. Nothing had worked out in my favor – I was homeless and had virtually nothing to my name. My writing – my passion -- fell by the wayside and stopped making sense, for the most part. I stopped reading and all kinds of other hobbies. I just wanted to be oblivious. However, God and Goddess still provided for me. I had food, and some comfort, and was usually able to find safe places to hide and sleep at night.

I was forced to quit the pot when I got locked up. It was while I was locked up that I realized that God and Goddess were actually listening to the things I said in my head to them. They were my only real friends most of the time I was locked up. Gradually I was able to let a lot of the anger and ugly feelings go. Oh sure, there are still traces of them there. Like most addicts, my friends I used to have weren’t actually friends after all. I was just getting used by family and friends before. I still pray for those people.

I began to pray a lot. Prayer is talking to God and Goddess and I do a lot of that, and it mostly started when I was locked up.

I have learned, since I started recovery, that my needs, emotional and otherwise are provided for in a God centered existence. It is the best way, for me, to take care of myself. I needed answers about the bad things, the tragedies that happen in life, the lack of concern my family demonstrates. I actually got answers to those things through praying for the answers….. I find that my needs get met if I try to do God’s will, stay in conscious contact with God and Goddess, and pray a lot.

Living a God-centered existence (which I’m sure I don’t do 100% of the time, still – sometimes I still forget about God) has brought me a mostly unshakable sense of serenity. I have peace within and with myself. There is no doubt in my mind I have God/dess’ grace and forgiveness. I am certain They don’t want me doing things that are unhealthy and bad for myself and others. They don’t want me to feel like crap about myself. I am guided through every rocky turn on this road. God and Goddess enable me to take deft steps around the rocks and find a good road again. God and Goddess don’t care if I don’t belong to any particular religion or spiritual path. They don’t mind that I actually belong to many.

There has been tragedy in my life recently. It hasn’t all been peachy in my life since I found recovery. I am not always happy. However, my God given sense of inner peace is nearly always there. God listens when my heart cries for mercy. God and Goddess listen to what’s in my heart, and I am provided for. I no longer feel unloved and unlovable. That is precisely because I have God and Goddess in my life actively today.

Identifying Myself As An Addict

2010-04-03T17:43:00.000-05:00

It took me a very very long time into my recovery to admit I was an addict. Five years, as a matter of fact. I was forced into recovery by being arrested…. I had the dubious luxury of putting it off….

I knew I had a “drug problem.” However, I wasn’t so certain it was an addiction…. The illusion of control persisted for many years. I still believed I had been using pot because that’s what I really wanted to do….

I was locked up for several years as a matter of fact. I did the first four and a half years of my recovery while incarcerated. The last year I was incarcerated, I went to rehab. I got in trouble for not talking enough. First of all, I really wanted to listen to what the counselor’s and other addicts had to say. I was really listening for clues and cues that would indicate that I was an addict. I had a hard time relating to the horror stories of physical withdrawal, and hard drugs. But, I did notice that I had several similarities in my stories with others.

I persisted in going to meetings any how. For some reason unknown to me, I needed to keep listening for other clues and cues. I needed to keep hearing people’s stories. I did keep hearing clues that I might have the same problem as other people. Besides that, there was very good advice in many of the meditation books that are used in the variety of recovery programs out there. Except for when I was actually using, I’ve always been interested in spiritual growth. While I was using, I thought I’d gotten as spiritual as a person could get and there was nowhere else to go. People had told me that God loved me, but I didn’t really believe it.

I didn’t imagine that God would actually take a personal interest in my life, or allow me to get close to Him or Her.

The first years of recovery were definitely chaotic. I did however have a spiritual awakening about a year after I was forced to quit the marijuana, in spite of doing steps out of order, not doing all the steps, not going to meetings, and not even admitting I was an addict to myself. I talked to God all the time when I was locked up. There was really nobody else to talk to. I couldn’t cope without my crutch very well, and I turned to God. God was answering me, too. God comforted me. I got a bookmark that said “God is love” and it started to become apparent to me that God did love me, after all.

I believe it’s very possible if you stop using long enough you will discover new things, new adventures and find recovery. It isn’t so important to do everything the right way…. It’s more important to keep moving forward. I don’t believe that we can really experience the full value of recovery though, without admitting we are addicts.

Five years into recovery I finally spoke up at a morning meeting and identified myself as an addict.

I had been thinking about it for a few months. I felt awkward going to meetings and being the only one there that only introduced myself by first name and nothing else. I needed proof that I had been powerless over a “non-addictive” drug like marijuana. I finally decided that I wouldn’t have been driving while stoned (a lot and without a license to boot.) and smoking it in front of little children had I not been addicted to it. Those are things that I strongly disagree with, and compromising one’s values is usually a pretty reliable sign that something is gravely amiss.

Admitting I was an addict gave me a sense of belonging. I started talking a lot more in meetings and trying to contribute. I was entitled to my story, after all.

I have seven and a half years clean and sober now. I don’t think I ever really looked back on my decision to start identifying myself as an addict.

I guess all I’m really trying to say is that it’s more important to keep moving forward in recovery then it is to do everything the right way. Having a HP is awfully important in my recovery. Even more important then the steps, and such. It takes a HP to lift the obsession, and it takes a willingness to try to get a HP to lift it.

God's Will

2010-03-25T21:38:00.001-05:00

Well, I certainly couldn’t bring myself to turn my will and life over to the care of the God that so many people in organized religion seem to believe in and promote! I had a hard time believing in the punishing, destroying, vengeful creature I had heard about in church and at home. Even my adoptive mother was fond of saying that “God will punish you for….” Blah blah blah – fill in the blank…. I used to always believe in two versions of God – one was the fiery brimstone spouting punisher that many church people talked about, and the other one was the one that said words of comfort to me. I just couldn’t reconcile the two for many many years. It made no sense to me. I think I even told several acquaintances and friends that I suspected God and the devil (you know the Hollywood gambling, card-playing trickster style devil) were the same person.

I heard about the concept of having my own Higher Power long before I ever really waded into the waters of recovery. And I heard about it from recovery literature. I took a very long vacation from Christian churches, although I am wading back in that direction to some degree with a firm grip on my own concept of God. Not every Christian believes in the punisher…. I’m certain of that.

My recovery started with step three. My recovery started before I quit, I think. It started when I was very frightened of the devil and having my soul stolen. You see, I have paranoid schizophrenia in addition to addiction, and was very paranoid at the time I did step three. My mental illnesses were untreated and undiagnosed. Things changed. God took me away from all the addicts and alkies, and predatory types I was hanging around with at the time. I also lost my place to live, however, it was necessary to make a change of scenery and people to really desire change for me. Not that I am promoting geographical cures, mind you, things did not change until I was ready, and had lived somewhere for a few years. It was not the change in scenery so much as the change in associations that did it for me.

A couple years after sobriety was forced upon me, I received a bookmark that said God is love. It was a Christian bookmark, and that is a Bible quote. But, I have made love my higher power. My God, my Spirit, is love. I finally had the ammunition to throw out the punishing domineering image of God I had in my head. If the Bible said that God is love, then that would give me the insight I needed to weed out all the opinions and blame in the Bible and find the truth. I really believed that bookmark. The God I knew had always loved me, and I knew it. I could feel love coming from outside of me. God had always been there, and was indeed, everywhere. Love made the world go round, I realized and had fun thinking about that often in jail….

And it became okay with me if God took my side (with predatory men, for example) and punished them! I had my reconciliation finally. Love sometimes means taking sides….

Things make a lot more sense nowadays because of that bookmark.

I honestly believe that God’s will for me is to be happy and healthy. Ultimately I believe God’s will for me is to become one with Him and/or Her. Not the same as… but become one with. Like the U2 song “We are one, but we are not the same…” God wants me to stick close by Him (or Her) and let Him rub off on me. I try to live in love. I show love to people. I love almost everyone I know. Having a Higher Power of love makes things very simple for me. If I am acting in love, then I am doing God’s will and I don’t get lost in worries and troubles and double-think. I don’t really have doubts. I love myself when I am troubled. I take care of me. They say when you are in an airplane crash, you must first put the oxygen on yourself before you can help anyone else…. So, I apply that.

I wrote a letter to the person who was my best friend when I first became addicted. She herself, is an untreated addict, and does not deserve to be one. In this letter, it was suggested I write to one person about my decision to turn my will and life over to the care of a Higher Power. The letter I wrote was lengthy. She finally broke the silence (silent treatment) with me to tell me to leave her alone, finally, because of that letter…

I explained to her that I have learned to trust my higher power. I explained how difficult it was for me to trust someone I really wasn’t sure I knew anything about. I went into great detail of my experience with step three with her.

The reason I actually sent the letter – or rather, one of the reasons, was to show her that step three is not as scarey or detrimental as she might think it is. One of my ulterior motives was to hopefully nudge her toward recovery by sharing my ESH with her in a very personal way….

Now I’m not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes I still have selfish motives or whatever. I have been known to still chase instant gratification and become irritated and impatient when I don’t get it. However I’ve found that acting in a loving way is a sure fire way for me to do the will of my Higher Power. I don’t have to dwell on anything negative. I don’t fight much of anything any more, although I have been known to argue with newcomers. Saving a life is worth a battle sometimes….

I don’t actually have to say a prayer or think much about it at all when I do it that way. I am more then willing to act out of love…. So I rarely make conscious decisions throughout the day to “do the will of God,” but in acting out of love, I have the security of knowing I am doing just that.

Growth

2010-03-18T19:56:00.000-05:00

I think in order to grow we have to take risks. We have to take positive healthy risks. Of course we don't want to take unnecessary foolish risks with our lives like we did when we used drugs and over used alcohol. One of the gifts that recovery gives us is our value for our life. We learn that we don't actually want to throw it away, especially to just become a statistic. There is no glory in dying from a drug overdose....

Taking risks requires much courage. I learned that if I could take the foolish risks with my life that I was taking, certainly I could take the more positive (and significantly less risky) risks of developing intimacy with my new friends. I could talk about anything. I would talk about anything. I would and will share my feelings. There is no point in keeping my secrets all bottled up inside. I don't need to harbor shame, guilt and resentments. I can air them out. I can talk to my new friends -- about anything. I have friends now that I can be completely honest with about my spirituality and beliefs. I have friends now that understand. And, I don't think I would have found those friends had I never opened up about what I really believe and feel.

The way I see it, I have nothing to lose. I really am living on borrowed time, so to speak. I should have been killed or died of an overdose or something a long time ago. I am here by the grace of God/dess and because I have something valuable to share. It is important to take the risks necessary to grow, because if I don't grow, I shall surely wither and die.

I don't want my death to be a statistic!

I shall go either of old age or in a blaze of glory I have decided. Clean and sober! I don't want to be in a muddled state of mind, anyhow, when I do finally get to meet my maker.

Truly, it is scary to open up to others. It is scary to be honest. It is scary to make a stand for what we believe in. But I have my fears prioritized. It is more silly to be less afraid to die of an overdose then it is to open up to others. We need others to grow spiritually. Nobody is an island. We need other perspectives. We need to love to feel compassion. We need to value ourselves enough to feel compassion as well. We need others to feel love fully. We learn about all the facets of God and Goddess through all the variety and diversity in others. To learn from others, and I mean really learn from others, we need true intimacy with them. To be intimate is a risk.

Physical intimacy, I learned in therapy, should never surpass emotional intimacy. That is another silly risk. It is much more silly to be less afraid of catching an STD or all the other myriad things that can happen when we sleep around so to speak then it is to be afraid of truly being real with other human beings.

It's much more fun to keep other people's secrets then it is my own, anyhow. I guess true friendship does require keeping confidences.

They say that fear is a lack of faith. I agree with that, mostly. Although, I do believe that healthy fear and faith can coexist at times. For example, it is healthy to run away from abuse and fear that abusive types will end my existence. One can have faith that God or Goddess will help us live a healthy or healthier life! There is no doubt in my mind we need faith to grow. God/dess wants us to grow strong, and healthy. God/dess want us to LIVE not just survive! To live we must feel. To fear silly things, to have anxiety is not condusive to growth. Faith is the balm that can heal those silly fears and anxieties -- most of which never come to pass.....

I want to grow in my recovery. I want to grow in my relationship with Spirit. I want to grow in my relationships with others. I want to die knowing I lived life to the fullest! Bad feelings certainly aren't the end of the world. And sometimes I tell myself that -- as well as telling myself "it will be alright." a lot. It helps me feel better, often. I use mental discipline to shut down the "itty bitty s**tty committee," worries and what-ifs. I trained my brain to be positive. I worked on it for years, and the drugs helped me not at all. There is all kinds of information out there on the power of positive thinking as well as love! So I won't get into all the details of how to do it here. It isn't even a battle nowadays; it's as if the negative ghosts in my subconscious know exactly how to surrender. I can let the little things go, these days.....

This too shall pass.

And there is, of course, the serenity prayer.

An Open Letter to My Old Best Friend

2009-12-25T20:13:00.001-06:00

As you know, I am in recovery now. I have been doing 12 step programs for some time now. I’ve found that step 3, “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Higher Power, to help us to rebuild our lives in a positive and caring way,” was a crucial part of my recovery and a turning point for me. That step 3 is actually how the Dual Recovery Anonymous phrases it, but it is still the same – basically – for all the recovery programs I have been in.

My recovery basically started with step 3. As you know, I have mental illness, and I think you just figured out it was schizophrenia from the decomposition of my writing skills. I was having experiences, delusions and hallucinations that led me to believe I was being haunted by evil spirits, demons and the devil. I was paranoid and I felt as if you were exhibiting stalking type behavior towards me. I literally thought I was in another dimension here on Earth – and that it was a version of hell. I was having rape hallucinations which I was certain were demons raping me, and I felt as if the devil was trying to force my soul out of my body…. It was NOT fun at all. The drugs weren’t helping and I blamed a significant amount of what I was experiencing on the marijuana….

I have been familiar with the 12 steps since I was a teenager. I think it was step 3 that scared me away from the steps altogether. I think it kept me away from Alanon, which probably would have helped me cope with everyone’s drinking and drug use – including yours. Quite frankly, I didn’t think God had good things in mind for me. I really believed that all the sexual abuse and shit were some kind of lessons that were ordained to me that I was supposed to learn from, and had quite a bit of resentment towards my Higher Power, which is now Love – but was not then. I did not understand why God just didn’t step in and stop all the sexual abuse I’ve gone through…. However, now that I think about it, I did have some kind of warning feeling and fleeting thoughts that these guys might be creepy…. However, I thought maybe that little warning feeling was my own prejudice, and prejudice is not something I embrace at all…. God also helped me manipulate the situation and helped me put a stop to the sexual abuse I experienced as a small child.

God does not want to scare us. I’ve learned that since then.

It was shortly after I said to God, with whom I had little to say before then, that I turn my mind, heart, body soul and will to Him, that I lost my place to live. Do you understand that God took me out of that circle of people I was hanging with in Bellingham. I survived homelessness alright. I needed to get away from the users and abusers that surrounded us. Most of the delusions and hallucinations that led me to believe the devil was trying to steal my soul stopped after that. Some of those hallucinations had me squirming within my skin because they were painful! I felt the devil retreat from me.

That didn’t stop me from using marijuana though for many years after that…. I really believed it was “natural” and therefore, okay for me to use. Of course, I did not do the other steps. However, I really feel like step 3 saved my life and the few remnants of my sanity at that time. I still did not understand what God/dess was all about at that time. I really didn’t embrace any kind of male deity figurehead at all for a long time after that. However when I was in jail for trying to burn down my father’s house and stealing a blanket and fishing pole from his garage, I received a bookmark that said “God is Love.” (I had tried to burn down his house because he grabbed my ass in 1995 during the one and only hug we ever exchanged.) Things began to make sense after that, however, I was still not interested in any kind of recovery and was wishing hard that I could get out of jail so I could go get stoned….

I did however feel okay about having turned over my will to the power of love….

I did step 3 again after I got out of being locked up. I was locked up for 4 ½ years total…. Three of those years were in a mental institution. One of the years I was in the institute, I was in rehab. I talked to God, Goddess, Jesus, the Spirit and the angels all the time when I was locked up. I tried to get answers. I felt comforted that the Spirit was love. I knew then that the Spirit was higher then my parents, etc. I tried to make sense out of things. I participated, albeit minimally, in meetings and AODA classes in rehab. Nonetheless, my cravings and such began to disappear when I was in rehab. I began to think perhaps I COULD live without marijuana when I got out. I knew, in rehab, however that I was an exception to the rules and could certainly sneak alcohol when I got out….

I did know that rehab was God’s will for me, so I willingly went through it.

I have learned to trust God’s will for me. God has cleaned up my drug and alcohol use. God has put me in a place in Wisconsin where I can visit my mother’s grave and don’t have to worry about running into my biological father. Their no-contact orders against me, along with the no-contact orders so many other family members and old friends have taken out, have protected me from feeling obligated to talk to people that simply don’t believe in sexual abuse and mental illness, much less emotional or physical abuse…. I have since learned that sometimes God’s will is to turn our back on toxic relationships and such. We don’t have to keep trying to shine lights on black holes, you know? I have a nice apartment, and a good circle of recovering friends now, that I am building. God is definitely helping me rebuild my support system. I had to do it from the ground up, but I didn’t have to do it alone, and therefore it was much easier. God helped end my depression and stabilized my psychosis with very effective and minimal medications.

On the barest shred of faith I turned over my life to someone I knew very little about. I did it again 2 years ago, and I am doing it again now, officially, however I often do this in between. I check to make sure my will is aligned with that of love. Love knows no boundaries of religions and such, and is everywhere. Love doesn’t need to respect the separation of church and state, because God is in both…. I don’t need to tolerate hate, either…. God’s will for me seems to be that I be both healthy and happy. God is not about suffering, I’ve learned. God doesn’t need to look like a person, and certainly not like a man. Learning that God is love, to me, means it is okay to disagree with any dogma that doesn’t agree with the fact that God is love to me…. I feel much more safe and secure then I used to and I am sure this step was instrumental in that. I never went without food when I was homeless. I think that is because I talked to the divine entities I did and always asked. I now understand what faith really is, and I know, no matter what that I will be okay.

I also know that God is not all rainbows and butterflies, and gay things. It is not a boring journey. There is much excitement in my life. I know that God does not will for me to be really bored. God/dess or Love is not about stagnation and dull things. It is much like a roller coaster, but I no longer hit the suicidal lows I used to have quite frequently. I did not have to trust right away, I just had to DO IT. Now I do trust, and am having lots of fun. I learned to trust, and God is patient enough to have let me learn how….

I miss you, and hope to someday see you again when things are better….

Merry Christmas

Finding Inner Peace

2009-06-11T19:49:00.003-05:00

I think the greatest gift recovery has given me is a fine sense of inner peace. They call it serenity.

For a very long time I was at war with myself. I was echoing parental judgment calls, criticizing myself with my own brand of criticism, and thinking very negatively. All the faith in the world was not healing my depression. At least not faith in the divine. I had no faith in others to speak of. I alternated between thinking I had all kinds of power to destroy (or affect) other's lives just by looking at them wrong, to feeling totally helpless. But, I did learn something from my parental units; I learned how to make it all look good on the outside. I worked full time for a long time, but my internal conflicts interfered with my jobs, quite frankly. I had something to write about, but I did not know how to write about it. Feelings are censored viciously in my family, so I learned to write about them. Now, I've come to a peace with my utter need to write: my thoughts, my feelings, and my imaginings....

I learned a long time ago to keep my mental filing system organized. I spent many years working on that. I coached my own memory so that my memories weren't chaotic. My memory is far from perfect. I've probably forgotten much much more then I care to. I know what belongs in the round file, though these days. Most suspicions, fearful thoughts, and worries/what ifs belong there. I don't try to kill those thoughts -- I just try to ignore them -- thus, no fighting required. I had to think about stuff enough to decide what was true and what was not. I don't believe forgiving and forgetting is the truth. That way I don't have to reject memories of real stuff that happened. I don't believe in fighting with myself any more on the issue.

Some people in recovery, even those with many many years of sobriety, are very uncomfortable with thinking. I'm sure that being afraid of one's own head is not the answer. I tend to disagree with the concept of "my best thinking," got me here. It was not my best thinking that did it. It was the conflict between my head and my heart. My best thinking has kept me in recovery though. I'm not afraid to think about stuff. I'm not afraid to take charge of my own head. I mean, we can't control all stray thoughts, but we don't have to feed the monsters in our heads. I don't have much conflict nowadays between my head and my heart. I think about each feeling I have, and file it. If it's obsessive, I wait it out, it will pass. If it's sadness I write about it. If it's anger I decide on an appropriate course of action and words. If it's happiness I enjoy it, etc. I sort out my feelings, and I think many of us in recover would find it valuable to identify feelings correctly and if we cannot, investigate what the feeling really is. We are in control of our behavior, most of the time, although many of us cannot control crying, blushing or laughing really. Basically, I don't fight my feelings either. Things are much more peaceful because of that.

I needed medication to feel right though. I am on antidepressants. It's very hard to make peace with ourselves if something is physically wrong with our brains. I had to learn how to get my head and heart to work in tandem after I was treated for my serious depression.

It is impossible to find peace if we are on drugs or messed up on alcohol. It interferes with the way we should feel about stuff that happens and we know it. We don't feel right. Our thinking is slowed down, and we have a very difficult time dealing with what we do start feeling. We won't always know how to act or respond to our feelings. We may have serious difficulty in dealing with conflicts with others especially if we cannot fully understand what they are trying to tell us.

A long time ago I learned about communication cycles. In arguments, often neither party listens to the other and what they are really saying. It is next to impossible to really listen to what someone else is saying if we are messed up on drugs and/or alcohol. It's impossible to cooperate with our own feelings if what they are saying is a "buzz-kill" kind of thing. I think being at peace means being able to control our behavior and the way we respond to others. Often people who are high or drunk will get angry at the messenger who brings bad news. And they are incapable of understanding often that the messenger is not responsible for the way they feel....

Good listening skills make for peaceful relations with others a lot of the time. Paired with a peaceful cooperation of heart and mind, we can use effective communication to the other person. We can do our best to understand where they are really coming from, avoid arguing about the small stuff, and avoid blaming them for the way we feel. I know that all of this requires a sober mind. Being present in the moment is necessary too, and hard to do when we are messed up on drugs and alcohol.

I feel very blessed that I have this inner peace too, since so many have booted me out of their lives, possibly permanently. Every single person who "disowned" me crossed too many boundaries with me. I always let them know about that. I have peace in my assertiveness and being able to lay down boundaries. I am okay with the fact that I am okay about it. That too is a form of peace between myself and these others. Silence can be very peaceful. I don't start fights with people who don't want me around. I don't fight at all unless it's a battle I have picked and I am trying to save someone's life. My inner peace/serenity doesn't have to be affected by their turmoil. If I don't feel like I can maintain my serenity, I let them go.

Peace, to me is friendship. To me inner peace then means being my own best friend. I treat myself in my head and otherwise as I would a good friend. I don't beat myself up. I used to use affirmations. I used to have to counter every single negative thought with a positive one. I stopped blaming myself for situations where I was actually victimized by someone else. I stopped blaming myself for putting up with it, and giving myself kudos for bravery, cleverness, and sheer pluck in surviving what I have survived. I say nice things to myself all the time. I do good things for myself, and reward myself for good behavior.

I also do good things for others. It helps my self esteem. It gives me positive ammunition to boost myself up. I give myself permission not to be perfect, to be wrong, to make mistakes, and to try. I try to make my world a better place to live in. I would imagine its very hard for a selfish person to find any kind of inner peace. Being messed up on drugs and alcohol makes us all selfish. We cannot think straight enough to even consider putting ourselves in another persons shoes -- that requires imagination and, yes, thinking. I guess the golden rule is good enough for me. I want love from others so I usually treat others with genuine love, and I love myself too.

I am an honest person nowadays. I tell others the truth. I see no need to argue about the truth either. I don't state the truth (to the best of my abiltiy) in a non provocative way. That means I use tact. That comes down to the golden rule too. I want honesty from others. So I use it with others.

I'm okay with myself, basically, are you?

Resentments

2009-06-08T12:11:00.000-05:00

It's time to write about resentments. Apparently I've really been dishing them out lately to addicts I know. They say if you aren't giving resentments to newcomers and using addicts, you aren't doing your job right. I must be doing my job right! A lot of people in recovery say "It's better to give resentments then get them," too.

I don't feel guilty..... It's not me making them feel cruddy, it's the drugs and/or their need to control others!

Obedience, especially to those with no legal authority over me, was never a "virtue" of mine, anyway! Obedience is grossly overrated......

What a mess of our lives resentments can make! They can certainly lead to relapse. At the very least they make us feel bad.

The Basic Text of NA says this about relapse, "We are never forced into relapse. We are given a choice. Relapse is never an accident. Relapse is a sing that we have a reservation in our program. We begin to slight our program and leave loopholes in our daily lives. Unaware of the pitfalls ahead, we stumble blindly in the belief that we can make it on our own. Sooner or later we fall into the illusions that drugs make life easier," p.76, chap 7.

Drugs don't make life easier. They make it harder. It is harder to care, to concentrate, to deal with our own feelings. There is nothing that drugs and alcohol can't make worse, I've heard it said many times.

"When a resentment or any other emotional upheaval occurs, failure to practice the steps can result in a relapse," p 77, chap 7, Basic Text. Obviously the cure for resentment comes in forgiveness, in the steps, and perhaps some objectivity.

It says under step 9 in the Basic Text, "In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments," p. 39, chap 4.

The Basic Text defines resentments as, "Resentments are reliving past experiences again and again, and fear is our response to the future," p. 94, Chap 9. Our resentments generally only hurt us. We might be resenting someone for some behavior that has nothing to do with how people act generally in reality.

I think there is some difference between resentments and hate, annoyance and even anger. But negative emotions can lead to resentments if we dwell on them. Emotions tend to be transitory, unless we are hanging on to them. It is our choice to hang onto them or not.

It's easy for me, nowadays to let the little things go: things like stupid drivers, insensitive remarks, bluntness from friends, and even difficult people. I ask myself, "Is this really going to matter tomorrow?" It seems to me that a lot of resentment revolves around control issues and expectations. I used to expect people to know how their words were affecting me without telling them. There's a lot of expectation of mind reading going on. I think people get resentments, too, because other's aren't doing what they want them to. If my toes are getting stepped on, I have to tell the person. And then, let it go. There's no reason for resentment if someone crosses a boundary. I have to tell them, and if they ignore me, it's them. Resentments involve renting out space for free to others in our heads, and we don't need that if we want to recover.

I used to have difficulty not resenting those that have merely abused me, too. But, I find that recovery helps me to let go of this too. All of the people who did that to me, are addicts and/or alcoholics. I can be understanding about it, I've been there too. I try to understand others. I try to understand their behaviors. I know that forgiveness is about thinking right. It's very hard to think right when one is an addict. We actually have to think of others to forgive them. Most addicts and alcoholics who are actively using don't think much about others. They don't think about what God might really want. After all, the Bible tells us that it's okay to punish children with corporal punishment. If they were thinking about what God really wants and practicing critical thinking about what they read, it would give them pause in their addiction I'm sure. They've got to live with themselves; I don't have to live with them.

Where I have difficulty with resentments is towards sexually abusive predatory types. I don't find those so easy to let go. I often hate child molesters and rapists. It's very hard to get over those kinds of experiences for me. I don't feel very forgiving towards them, especially since they go out and attack other women and children. They don't stop doing what they do. They never make amends for what they do. I don't know how to correctly apply double standards. I don't know how to expect them not to, when I expect myself to make amends. It will take time I know, in recovery to learn the correct way to deal with them.

Don't get me wrong, I don't always have feelings for (or against) creepy "people." I'm usually a pretty happy and upbeat kind of person. Usually all I feel towards those types is utter indifference. I cannot love them. Loving perverts is like shining a light on a black hole -- one will just get sucked in. I don't know how to forgive them either.... But as long as I keep working on it, I know I will be alright. I've just been attacked too much up until about ten years ago, to let go of it quickly. I find that breaking the silence, telling the truth, and fighting back by helping others who have gone through similar experiences to be really helpful to me.

On the good side, other then those resentments, everything else is small potatoes. I can let them go.

When I was actively addicted, I was ruled by my dark side. It was totally out of control. We cannot get a handle on resentments, and other negative thinking combined with emotions as long as we are using. We get ruled by dark emotions (deadly sins) when we are not in control of ourselves. We will not truly feel better until we learn how to deal with ourselves and things like resentments. Recovery is about feeling better about ourselves in the long run. We cannot feel better about ourselves when we are nursing little monsters like resentments.

And, I will take long term serenity (feeling better about myself) to short term pleasure any day, thank you!

On Sharing

2009-05-28T17:38:00.000-05:00

It took at least one whole year, perhaps two years for me to start sharing in meetings. I was definitely not comfortable with the idea. I wasn't sure what of my experience was relevant. I wasn't sure if I would corrupt someone with my cravings. I wasn't sure how to say what I knew about the Spirit and my experience with that which is higher. When I started going to meetings nothing I knew was crystallized enough in my mind to share it. I felt really different -- marijuana doesn't cause scary physical withdrawal that I know of. Heck, I wasn't even sure for the first year or so of meetings that I was an addict! Quite frankly, all I really wanted to do was listen. I really wanted to know if I was really an addict. I wanted to know what others had been through. I wanted to know the politically correct way to say stuff. I wanted to listen! I'm not always politically correct, but one should know the correct way to break the rules of political correctness!

As far as strength and hope goes, I didn't have much of that to pass around when I first started. I had learned a long time ago that being negative really accomplished nothing. At least, I didn't see my strength, and when I was in treatment -- I saw little hope for me. I was quite determined that I could go out and drink socially when I got out. I really did not see how that could lead to worse problems....

It was shortly after I did my 12 steps that I began to feel like I had something to share....

There is stuff I know about God and Goddess that nobody else knows. That too was something I was listening for too. I wanted to hear from God! I wanted to learn something new about the Spirit from others in the program. I did learn new stuff. I get new perspectives on how God and Goddess might think and feel about various things from others.

Nobody told me to sit down and shut up early in recovery. I guess it's quite common to do that to new people. Nobody had to. I can see the rationale there.... I can see why nobody wants to hear the negativity or be reminded of cravings, or to jones from the glorifying of drugs and alcohol that newcomers are capable of.

But, there is a time to speak up and say something. There is a time to share what is on our minds, preferably relating to the topic of the meetings and/or more pressing matters. We need the vulnerability. We need to air our errors so they can be corrected. We need to teach what we know. I know that mistakes made by people who have hundreds of years clean and sober make me feel relieved that I will never have to be perfect to keep the fellowship. I have made real friends in this program because I am an awesome listener and because of what I have shared in and out of the rooms.

I love the friends I've made in this program. It's about time I had clean and sober friends that actually care about God and/or Goddess! I have people that accept that plain old spirituality is a valid path to Spirit too. The people in my life are not religiously judgmental -- they let me have my weird hodgepodge of beliefs. I've also found it safe to share -- not one person has approached me after a meeting and criticized me for what I've shared.

Isn't this fellowship and program awesome?

Step Twelve

2009-05-24T15:54:00.002-05:00

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Step twelve is about service -- loving and active service. It, too, is a maintenance step. Bill W. found carrying the message essential to his sobriety, and it is a formula that works very well for all of us. We need our newcomers. Not only because they remind us where we came from and where we never want to go again, but also because they offer new ideas and fresh perspectives.

The steps are the H.O.W. of our program. The principles are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness (among other good ones.) This step, especially, is how we stay sober.

My higher power is "the kind of love that has no price tag on it," p 106, 12x12. That is everywhere. To me, if I am showing that kind of love that has no expectation either of reward or return, I am doing my God/dess' will. My spiritual awakening had more to do with doing step 11 (which was the step I did fourth) then it did with all the steps. Step twelve was essentially my step five. It also had to do with doing step 11 while I was locked up and sobriety was forced upon me. To me, that just proves that we don't need to earn God's love. It's unconditional. My spiritual awakening took place when I was given a bookmark that said "God is love," in jail. I haven't really gone wrong since I thought about that and agreed with it! Much of the literature, meditations and other people talk about love. My higher power works through other people! I learn from mostly everyone! In my humble opinion long term sobriety will lead us to some kind of spiritual awakening if we really want one even if we haven't done the work of the steps. Not that I'm putting down the steps -- I'm not. The steps are very helpful, and I really think we need them to develop those principles that make even longer term sobriety possible.

Love is alive! This spiritual awakening gave me purpose -- to love others. It's much harder to love people from a distance (like when one is dead!) "He has been set on a path which tells him he is really going somewhere, that life is not a dead end, not something to be endured or mastered," p 107, 12x12. How is it possible to master love? Nobody is a greater lover then anyone else. Love, if we believe in it isn't that hard to endure either. Its the lack of love that hurts so much more then loving itself! If God/dess were really love and love were really alive, God/dess would make sure we moved on when we died, instead of there just being an end to consciousness. We don't like losing people we love... Why would God/dess' (who is love, imho) be any different?

Now love is not obsession, possessiveness, and manipulation. I don't do those things to newcomers. Alanon talks a great deal about detachment. I find it saves my sanity and resources if I don't get too attached to newcomers and/or the outcome of the message. H.O.W. applies to loving, too. Let's not forget the golden rule either: "Do unto others as you'd have done to you." We want people to be honest with us, although we do appreciate tact. Being open minded is very valuable when working with newcomers. We aren't going to create little clones of ourselves. You cannot put a square peg in a round hole! Diversity is a good thing! We want our beliefs respected, and must treat others the same way! We might actually learn something valuable from them, then. A willingness to help newcomers is important too. I'm not perfect, I'm not always willing to cut through all the BS with newcomers, and I'm not always willing to argue with them as seems to happen often with newcomers. However, a lot of the time I am willing. I believe in picking my battles, and saving a life is a good reason to pick the battle for me quite often.

"...by the divine paradox of this kind of giving he has found his own reward, whether his brother has yet received anything or not," p 109, 12x12. I don't know about anyone else, but I teach by learning and learn by teaching. I have received many rewards from working with newcomers including increased patience, better people skills, and gratitude for where I am at. I remain a student of life. Life is a journey not a destination. I think that makes me a better teacher and/or messenger. Another side effect of giving is happiness. I'm happy because I feel well. I'm happy that there is no end to this!

I have a special message for newcomers who are also survivors of abuse! There is no excuse to use -- not even rape or torture. It will not help.... For many of us the core of the matter is either get better or die! It is not fair for other survivors to die because they were attacked. Shame is useless and puts up barriers. There is no real shame in surviving attacks!

"When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence on His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would," p 116, 12x12. I need my Goddess too. I did not trust a masculine image of God after being attacked so much. She was there for me when I could not trust a God. In recovery, it is perfectly OK to have our own concepts of Spirit. In recovery I find that I can believe in Goddess and still have recovery! I can have the fellowship. I find that "these were the new attitudes that finally brought many of us an inner strength and peace that could not be deeply shaken by the shortcomings of others or by any calamity not of our own making," p 116, 12x12. I can vouch for that. We need that kind of faith to work with newcomers. The steps will give us the faith we need to do that. "Two-stepping" will not.

I need my faith, because I seem to be one of the "many AA members who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have a family life," p120, 12x12. I devote my time to this blog, to helping others and to friends. Many men cannot tolerate a woman who loves most other people at least as much as she loves him.... People can be so demanding that their partner only love them.... "Free of marital responsibilities, they can participate in enterprises which would be denied to family men and women," p 120, 12x12. Friendship, for one, is my number one priority. I'm not the kind of person who ditches all friends when I get in a relationship. I have other family members who aren't part of my reality for the most part -- including children who are adopted out and parents who have taken out a no contact order against me. My brothers have judged me unworthy I guess.... They won't, however, have anything to do with recovery -- either AA/NA or Alanon. I think I have been through at least a little bit of everything, and this gives me the ability to relate to so many people. I do have something to offer in service to others in recovery. A lot to offer, and I try to offer it to any takers. I do remember that this is a program of attraction rather then promotion, and I incorporate that tradition into my service.

Talk about turning the tables on my detractors! I did it with God's great help!

Step Twelve tells us it is possible for anyone to do this with just a little work!

Step Eleven

2009-05-22T20:26:00.000-05:00

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

This step is also a maintenance step. A higher power is an essential part of staying sober. We will seriously have a hard time staying clean and sober without a relationship with our higher power. Relationships require communication to stay alive.

"Prayer and meditation are our principal means of conscious contact with God," p. 96, 12x12.

I've never really been much of a skeptic when it comes to God/dess like it describes in the beginning of this chapter of the 12x12. I did not object to the use of the word "God." I knew that God cared about us. I just never conceived that God/dess had the power to help me. That would require letting God inside my brain and body and I was not really ready for that until I was deep in my addiction. The whole concept of me not being the only one inside my body was very scary to me.

"Those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do without it then we would refuse air, food, or sunshine," p. 97, 12x12.

My problem with prayer was, I wasn't really doing it right. The step says "...praying ONLY for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." I'm still, to some extent, stuck on that word "only." I often pray for old friends and other ill people. I pray that they find recovery (whatever kind of recovery that may be.) I can't find any fault with doing that, but that's not what this step tells me to do.

Heck, I cling to my God, Goddess and Jesus! Many things happen in this world that upset me. It seems to be a better alternative then clinging to some poor ignorant other person. They don't seem to mind, those divine beings. They let me. The serenity prayer is soooooooooo helpful nowadays. It did not help much when I was suffering the effects of clinical depression. I have some understanding now of why God/dess doesn't effect miracle cures of illnesses. That understanding came from God/dess -- I'm sure of it. It has a lot to do with what people who hate God do to people who have proof there is a God and Goddess. My main issue with God/dess before was because S/He wouldn't fix my ailments! God will make a person feel better and release him or her from obsessions on faith alone. God will not usually fix diseases, however.

I pray every night. I meditate and listen for answers. Answers to my questions usually come in a myriad of ways. God and Goddess have proven themselves to me -- even if nobody else would accept my spiritual experiences as proof or even real. I make sure I connect with my higher power every night before I go to sleep. I tell God about my feelings, about my life, about other people and about my observations. I turn over my stress. I ask for help going to sleep quite often. I often have questions about God, Goddess, the universe and religions. Lately I have been asking God to keep the devil out of my dreams (since most of my nightmares revolve around the devil). It seems to be working.

"...when we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, our emotions, and our intuitions of vitally needed support. AS the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul. We all need the light of God's reality, the nourishment of His strength, and the atmosphere of His grace." p. 97-98, 12x12. My God and Goddess are love. It's common knowledge we all need love. We need to give and receive love! Sometimes I really feel like the only way I get love is from my higher power, but it is enough for me.

"It is hoped that every AA who has a religious connection which emphasizes meditation will return to the practice of that devotion as never before," p. 98, 12x12. Yes, that is me. I was big on meditation before I was an addict and have returned to the practice. It is absolutely essential for me to quiet the mind to reduce stress and stop negative thinking in it's tracks. Meditation, in it's purest form, is communion with the divine and when God and Goddess are allowed into the mind they will help make it a much better place for us to live -- if we want it to be. So many of us are conflicted between mind and heart. Proper meditation means allowing God and Goddess into our hearts too. I'm sure that if we really desire to learn how to meditate, God will show us how to do it and what to ask for. Meditation may not seem very practical to some, but it really is! Quieting the mind is essential to gaining real divine guidance in our lives. We will know ourselves much better too. If we don't seize upon and dwell on stray thoughts too much, we will find it easier to truly hear the divine. We can learn a lot about ourselves too, by observing those same stray thoughts.

Through the practices of prayer and meditation, I find it so much easier to cope with life's ups and downs without using drugs or drinking. I believe it honestly is God/dess' will for me to care! I believe God/dess wants the kind of relationship with me where I can talk to Him and Her about anything. I treat God like I would a good friend -- I try not to have expectations. I don't try to control God and Goddess. I don't give orders. I say please and thank you. I don't have complex plans for my higher power to follow. I have to remember that I'm not the boss. I honestly believe God and Goddess want us to turn over our troubles to Them. They are so much more capable of dealing with troubles then we are! I try to let God pilot this ship. I know God helps me feel better most of the time! So, I've come to the conclusion that God's intentions for us are good cause God helps me feel good about myself and my life! And if I listen to God's guidance I don't get abused or entangled in abusive relationships. I'm sure God does not want us to be martyrs for some bestial abuser type. Basically meditation and prayer give me inner peace. That is priceless.

I think that people new in recovery should give meditation and prayer a chance. It is not scientific to reject things based on whether or not we like the concept! I think newcomers will be pleasantly surprised at the results.

"Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We no longer live in a completely hostile world," p. 105, 12x12.

Step Ten

2009-05-22T14:50:00.000-05:00

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

Step ten is a maintenance step. That means it is necessary to maintain sobriety. We have to do this at least once a day to maintain serenity and sobriety. "A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us. We alcoholics have learned this the hard way," p 88, 12x12.

This step was my first dance with the steps. I learned to do this when I first read about the steps -- probably back when I was 19 or 20. Obviously, this step alone won't keep one sober, but it does keep resentments from building and a conscience clean for the most part. I always thought this step was a good idea, because the people around me rarely admitted when they were wrong or did something wrong. I wanted to be different then them! I knew how much it hurt when people would never apologize or back down in an argument when they're wrong -- especially about me! In any case, my point was, I have lots of practice at reviewing the day and assessing what part I had in any situations that came up. I try to be precise in my admissions of wrongs. I try to figure out exactly what I did wrong and apologize or admit to just that.

I often do "spot check inventories" throughout the day, even when I'm in the middle of an argument or situation. I do my best to listen to the other person. I've noticed that people tend not to even listen to the other person in arguments, etc.. Again, I wanted to be different. I don't think there's anything that's too hard to hear! I put it in perspective with how it would feel to experience bad "stuff." It helps me be more compassionate too. Inventories require a lot of listening. They require listening to the voice within, and other's voices as well. It really isn't too difficult to do this step -- at least not for me! It's a lot easier then letting stuff build up and fester within -- that's for sure!

This step also helps build confidence. It teaches us we are not always wrong! It helps us to build on our assets and capitalize on our strengths. "Once this healthy practice has become grooved, it will be so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed," p 89, 12x12. You see, it will help us notice when we handle situations well, too. Balance is a key here -- we don't have to dwell on the negative. Positive thinking is essential to this step. it teaches us to look for solutions and give ourselves some credit. That is the heart of positive thinking. Positive thinking can take us everywhere we want to go!

"It's a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us," p 90, 12x12. The chapter then goes on to extol the detriments of bad feelings. I have to disagree with the 12x12 somewhat in this case. It is not healthy to suppress or run away from bad feelings. Bad feelings do not necessarily have to lead to any kind of escapism. We have to deal with bad feelings. It does not necessarily mean we have done something wrong if we feel bad! This chapter, I think, implies quite strongly that we are doing something wrong if we feel bad.

Ordinary situations and people should not make us feel bad. It is not good to let petty stuff disturb our serenity. A lot of the stuff that goes on is small stuff. The bad feelings that come up as a result of ordinary type disturbances will pass without any effort on our part if we just let them. "Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year," p 91, 12x12. The message here is clearly that we have control over our behavior! We don't have to give voice to our feelings right away or in a harmful way. We can own our feelings and talk about them to a sponsor and/or spiritual adviser.

On the other hand, there is no need to make ourselves feel bad, guilty or shameful because we feel angry, threatened and scared because someone has attacked us or a loved one. The whole tendency to demonize anger in recovery is a little disturbing. There is no need when we are angry, to go on a rampage or lose our temper -- even in life threatening situations. Losing our cool can make a life threatening situation worse -- it can provoke the attacker to attack us more. I really believe it is possible for people in recovery to learn to distinguish justified anger from unjustified anger. The key lies in the saying "You got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything." It does not have to lead to drinking and/or using either. It needs to be talked about.

The chapter then goes on to talk basically about grandiosity. Grandiosity is, indeed a trap. "Big-shot-ism" will not help us to stay sober. It says, "....we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God, and that any success we may be having is far more His success then ours," p 92, 12x12. Humility is necessary for every last one of us recovering people.

"Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance, and see what real love for our fellows actually means," p 92, 12x12

The inventory should include an examination of our motives for doing things too. This chapter goes on to talk about motives. I seriously doubt that peoples motives are 100% pure. There is usually something to be gained by anything we do. Although, self righteousness is not good, even if there is a dose of that in our good deeds, we should still give ourselves credit for doing the good thing! Acting as if we love people will lead to actually loving them; at least, that's what I've found. There is usually love in anything we do for others.

In my humble opinion there is a fine line between taking a daily inventory and contemplating our navel. We don't need to suffer from inertia. It isn't always a bad thing to act. Sometimes it's necessary to do something about a situation, even if it's wrong. The chapter finishes with this statement, "having so considered our day, not omitting to take due note of things well done, and having searched our hearts with neither fear nor favor, we can truly thank God for the blessings we have received and sleep in good conscience."

I do believe that doing this step can keep us walking down the right path, and correct our missteps. Balance is key. I think biting off more then we could chew was our main downfall, and this step can keep us from ever doing that again! We don't want any more guilt then we can handle, and this step keeps it from building up. We learn how to be truly kind through this step.

Step Nine

2009-05-20T16:05:00.000-05:00

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

I had a difficult time doing this step. Primarily because most of the people I probably owed an amends to have taken out a no contact order against me. (That would be family, mostly.)

"Most of us begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day we join Alcoholics Anonymous," p. 83 12x12. This to me, was the most important and most direct amends I could make to the living -- including myself. I have children, and although I didn't raise them, they don't need to contact a mother when they are adults who can't take care of herself.... In some ways, giving my two daughters up for adoption spared me from hurting them much. I have no legal responsibility for my kids. I think the best and most direct amends I could make to them is to be a clean, sober and lucid person when and if they do come back into my life.

I owed an amends to my youngest daughter, of whom I had custody for the first four months of her life. I spent most of the time around her baked out of my mind. Even when she was in the state's custody, they would often show up for supervised visits with her and I would be baked then too. I really was not a very good mother, and was suffering severe and untreated psychosis when she was in my custody. I ended up shaking her several times because rape hallucinations would make me so enraged. The hallucinations were worse while she was breastfeeding.

I wrote her a letter, which has not been given to her yet. I apologized for my drug use while pregnant and while she was with me.

I also owed an amends to my old best friend. I used to steal cigarettes from her occasionally. I tried to steal an abusive boyfriend away from her too, but could not handle his abuse. I emailed her and offered to pay for the cigarettes.

I think I probably hurt the people who are looking down from Heaven right now, the most. Who knows what they saw. I wrote letters to my closest loved ones up there. I think that writing heartfelt letters to those who've passed on that we may have hurt is a very good thing to do. I honestly believe the people in Heaven can read those letters and really appreciate them. I feel like I've been forgiven by the loved ones I've lost; I really do. I think we learn more about forgiveness, and become more understanding when we get to Heaven, because God/dess can explain directly to those people.

I have not been fortunate enough to really experience forgiveness from the living. I get a little jealous of those whose amends are met with a warm reception. Mine have not been.

I have been doing my best to make indirect amends to people. I am totally against corporal punishment of children. It has never done any good in my observation. I don't punish children any more -- even when they are in my care -- which has not happened for awhile. There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline, in my book, is much more effective. I am more careful with other's feelings and such then I used to be. I still have indirect amends financially to make which I will do when I have the money to spend on them.

I discussed making amends to predatory men with many other recovering people. I have a tendency to rip off abusive men if they threaten or abuse me. I probably have stolen quite a bit of money and valuables from men like that. It says in the step itself, "...except when to do so would injure them or others." I was told that I qualify as an "other." It was suggested to me that I donate an equivalent amount of what I have stolen from creepy men to a domestic violence shelter.

I don't know if its really possible to finish this step in a short time. It is taking me a long time to make my amends to people. I think I really should stay in recovery, because I do believe that is the most effective and best amends I can make!

Step Eight

2009-05-06T19:41:00.000-05:00

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

This step and step nine are really all about forgiveness. If nothing else, we learn how to truly forgive ourselves. We have to acknowledge what we've done, though, before we can find forgiveness, thus the need for a list. "If we are now about to ask forgiveness for ourselves, why shouldn't we start out by forgiving them, one and all?" p. 78 12x12

Forgiving "them" does not mean we have to forget. Sometimes the people we owe an amends to are truly abusive.

"Though in some cases we cannot make restitution at all, and in some cases action ought to be deferred, we should nevertheless make an accurate and really exhaustive survey of our past life as it has affected other people." p. 79 12x12. This is a very important concept. Just a real willingness to make an amends counts and can go a long way, even if amends aren't really possible right now.

Steps eight and nine can really help us find peace with ourselves, if not with others.

I'm still not sure if my list is as thorough as it should be. Most of what I did do to others was retaliatory. Some of what I did had more to do with my mental illness then addiction. I'm really not sure how I could possibly make amends, financially especially, for say things like destroying my old apartment. I guess that willingness is something of a snag for me....

I listed many people on my step eight. A lot of those people have passed on, and I wonder how much they actually saw and/or were hurt by the things I did.

I've spent my entire life following the Wiccan rede (or trying to follow): "Do what you will, so long as you harm none." I've rarely been violent towards others, but there are other forms of harm. I know it's often difficult to determnine if you've harmed someone if they don't tell you. I've ended up apologizing to children in the past for spanking them. And, it was after I decided that corporal punishment did no good whatsoever, that I became addicted.

I find myself wondering if not talking to many older family members is something I owe an amends for. They never reached out to contact me. They never made any efforts at all to stay in touch with me. If I have been noncommunicative in the past with parents and such, it was definitely a two way street. As a matter of fact, I called them a fair bit more then they ever called or wrote me. I find myself if and what do I owe my family? Did I really harm them? They seem to enjoy portraying themselves as victims of my irresponsibility, etc to anyone else who will listen. It's very hard to tell if I really did harm them.

My battles with this step aren't really covered in the 12x12. It doesn't talk much about amends to the deceased, to predatory types, to abusers. Those would be the vast majority of people on my list.....

I'm mostly concerned with what kind of harm I may have caused my baby girl -- my youngest daughter. She bore the brunt of my hysterical anger when I was severely psychotic and addicted.

I listed my old best friend on my list too. I used to steal her cigarettes. I tried to steal her "boyfriend" -- mostly to protect her from him and could not tolerate his abusive attitude enough to succeed at it. I spanked her kids a few times (which I apologized for and never did again). She perceives that I did a lot more harm then I actually did.... She was not upset that I spanked her kids -- I was basically the secondary caretaker of the kids and had her permission to discipline the kids. It's very hard to tell what kind of harm I actually did. I think I may have harmed the kids, though, when I abandoned them -- I was their "Aunt T." I really could not deal with reality anymore, much less two young children. I am willing to make amends, however to her and her kids.... I imagine that is what counts.

I feel blessed that I am predominantly non-violent. I feel like I'd have a lot more on my list if I were! And, I imagine that violence would be harder to make an amends for. I however have destroyed property and done petty theft.... The step workbook I used the first time I did this step says it's important to list the evil deeds alongside the people we did them to.

I also listed people on this step that have no contact orders against me. I honestly believe that listing them is important. It isn't good to keep bad secrets, and let guilt eat you alive. I shared my list with my sponsor. I think that we honestly need someone to look at our list of wrongs and help us figure out if we really did something wrong and help us to prepare to make amends to people. That's what my sponsor did. I probably should consult her about indirect amends for things I did to the predatory types I've ran across in my life. (Usually, if someone attacks me physically or threatens to -- I steal from them!) I've had it suggested to me by others that I could donate the equivalent in value to a domestic violence shelter. I think that happens to be a capital idea.

Step Seven

2009-04-26T17:45:00.000-05:00

"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings"

The 12x12 goes on extensively about the humility involved in this step. It talks about how many of us don't even have a passing acquaintance with humility. It talks about how the word itself has a lot of negative connotations.

I don't have a problem with humility -- I'm the most humble person I know!

But seriously, many people do seem to have a problem with it in today's society. Our egos seem to be blown way out of proportion because people have made oh so many technological advancements in the past century. It's not necessarily a good thing either. Many of those same people are miserable. We really don't give God/dess enough credit for teaching us how to do all this stuff! It is definitely not humble to assume we created all this stuff by our lonesome and on our limited intelligence. On some level, we know it isn't true. The truth will set us free.... Until we accept the truth we will be kept in our prison of misery.

It wasn't all done in good faith and with good intentions, either. Child labor was a big part of the industrial revolution.

To be humble is to accept that we are worthy of God/dess' love just as we are -- warts and all. To be humble is to accept that God/dess are above us and it's precisely that unconditional love that places God/dess above each of us. We are all equals. People aren't really above each other.. I've heard it said that alcoholics and addicts are the only people who can lay in the gutter and look down upon others. Humility is thinking of ourselves less and thinking more of others. Humility is an honest appraisal of who we are. Humility and beating oneself up are not the same thing either. Thinking we are pieces of crap who deserve the worst is NOT humility. We are still thinking of ourselves too much when we think this way.

True humility frees us from the unnecessary burden of carrying the world upon our shoulders.

It is often said in AA and NA, "keep your side of the street clean." That is a much smaller burden then the whole world. We cannot make others do anything. A humble person realizes that s/he has just no control over others. True -- if only others would do their part -- the world would be a much better place. But, we can and must do our part. That is all we can truly do to make the world a better place.

True humility starts with the admission of powerlessness and unmanagability. Humility is about facts and it is a fact we have no control over our drinking and/or using once we start. We learn about humility just accepting that fact.

It can be quite a relief to actually find out we can put the world back on God/dess' shoulders. We can even give many of our burdens to Him or Her, too! God/dess will help us if we only ask -- and often S/He will help us even if we don't ask. It's hard to find real peace and happiness without humility. It can be such a relief to say "this is not my responsibility!"

I have a hard time picturing anyone being able to ask God/dess to remove defects without being humble about it. To just do it -- cross this bridge when one comes to it -- is a step in the right direction.

It says in the 12x12, "The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear -- primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded," p 76.

This tells me that the golden rule is good here. How much do we, ourselves, want to meet other people's demands!? If we can accept that others (including God/dess) deserve to be treated with the respect we ourselves deserve, we have definitely become more humble. Obviously humility is not a lack of self respect, but a healthy self respect!

"The seventh step is where we make the change in our attitude which permits us, with humility as our guide, to move out from ourselves toward others and toward God," 12x12 p. 76

That to me means I will only see the love I need if I am humble enough to see it. We all need love. To be humble means we can give and receive love in a healthy way -- and that is a good thing!

Step Six

2009-04-24T19:48:00.000-05:00

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

The 12x12 talks at length about the willingness to have our defects removed in this chapter. It also talks about how the vast majority of us aren't entirely willing to have them all removed. We often hang onto just a few of them.

Most of us who have been in recovery for awhile know that, given time, God will remove our defects if we so desire. Two of mine were impatience and a low frustration tolerance. They have miraculously gotten better for me. Oh, yes I did pray for patience. God tends to teach that one the hard way! I lost my connection to many friends and became homeless! This step was my third step! I prayed for patience and release from my low frustration tolerance even before I quit doing drugs.

It says in this chapter to go ahead and seek perfection (even though one will probably never find it.) I don't want to be perfect! That was my main reservation about this step, and apparently, it's quite common. I still have defects that I don't pray about. One of my main issues is the cigarette smoking -- I know I should quit! I know I would be healthier if I did quit! But, I can't seem to muster up the desire to quit. I can't seem to bring myself to ask my higher power to help me with quitting. Oh, when I've had to quit -- God/dess helped me with that -- I know S/He did. Part of me doesn't care if the smoking kills me to be honest.

I'm still discovering, or rather, identifying my defects -- the nature of my wrongs. I guess that's why they say this step is a "lifetime job."

Perhaps part of my problem is a touch of complacency. I am content for the most part with the person I am today.

It talks again in this chapter about the seven deadly sins. It explains why they aren't good to have or do. Many other traits besides those "sins" are not all bad. Sometimes it's hard to decide whether something is an asset, a defect, or a little of both. Something like stubbornness -- which can also be called persistence. Many of my traits have a positive and negative aspect. I tend to compartmentalize them in my mind and pray often to use them to the best possible outcome. I don't believe it is possible and possibly not even desirable to kill or lock away our dark side.... Sometimes we need it for self defense! It would not be good, however to let it rule us, as it tends to do when we are under the influence.

Soon I know I will ask God for help removing my slothful and proud tendencies. I am a great procrastinator. I am proud of my healing I've done -- when it was God who really did it. Perhaps I need to do another inventory on those defects because up until recently I never identified them. I get proud of my creations too -- my writing, art, music etc.

The steps help one with humility. This step in particular really requires it.

I think God/dess is helping me get better all the time regardless of whether or not I ask for His/Her help. I think God/dess helps me realize where I have failed when I am ready to face it. I know I don't have to be perfect to deserve justice (another hang-up of mine) I felt like the closer to perfection I got, the more likely I would be to get justice, and I resented that. I'm still not sure how to go about finding it, but getting better is the best revenge on "those people" who did "stuff" to me.

I have to remember that to live. To live I must recover. To recover I must do the steps. Simple, but not easy!

Step Five

2009-04-23T15:42:00.000-05:00

"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

The 12x12 talks about the danger of bad secrets. They can eat us up alive. In my experience the three main causes of drug use/relapse are resentments, guilt and pain (emotional or physical.) Shame can be a killer too. It's important we don't keep secrets about these things. We need to heal to live. This step is the cleaning house step. We have to air out all of these "rooms" in our hearts and minds. We should not keep silence for these killers.

Usually this step involves sitting down with someone discreet that we trust and sharing our fourth step, as well as discussing what's on it. A lot of people choose their sponsor -- but it doesn't absolutely have to be a sponsor. When it is with a sponsor, it can really create a good intimacy -- a key ingredient in good relationships.

When I did this step I was told to pay particular attention to the phrase "the exact nature of our wrongs." That means we should examine the things we have done to find out why we did it. What is the underlying cause of those wrongs. It isn't good enough to just come up with a laundry list of evil deeds. Our deeds are not the defects. The defects are the underlying cause of the evil deeds.

We will find out we are not alone nor are our defects and evil deeds unique! What a relief that can be! Of course we have to find someone discreet we can trust. Preferrably someone who will share their similarities and similar stories. We can't have our evil deeds advertised to just any passerby -- especially if we've already been forgiven for them! We probably don't want to go to jail or be reported to the police.

I did this step within a month after doing my fourth step. I didn't really trust anyone in the institution where I did my treatment. I was afraid if I opened up to anyone who worked there, they'd report me and/or raise my meds or something else. My peers in treatment all had significantly less clean time then me, so I did not see any of them as an option. It was in between doing step four and five that I found my sponsor. She is a slim, feisty older woman, and I was pretty sure I could trust her discretion. She had significant clean time, is an addict as well as an alcoholic, and knew the steps. Still, I was a little bit anxious. I wasn't sure what would happen when I did my fifth step with her.... But I am not timid, so I did it anyway, and everything turned out fine. She seemed very understanding! My sponsor understands me mostly, and that is very valuable and good.

I guess that's when I realized I wasn't all that unique.

It says in the 12x12, "But, scarcely any step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind then this one." p. 55

I had a few things I really wanted to hide. Some of it was shame, guilt and pain over things I'd had done to me. This step really helped me sort out what was and wasn't my fault. To the best of my knowledge I didn't hold back on this step or skimp.... I can't really say I've experienced what it talks about in the 12x12 when people hold back on this step. But, by the time I did the step I really wanted my recovery and was willing to try just about anything. I can see the value of confessing to stuff now. It doesn't become acidic secrets then. I'm just not Catholic and can't see confessing to someone who puts themselves above me -- believes they are more righteous and doesn't share their own stuff with me. That's not intimacy to me.

That is another thing, we must be honest to have good relationships. I really wanted, after all the troublesome and bad relationships to have a good relationship or several. I've always believed communication is essential, and have also been frightened of intimacy to some extent.....

"Step Five was the answer. It was the beginning of true kinship with man and God." 12x12 pg. 57

We really aren't alone, and I am discovering more about myself all the time. This step helped me to stop making mountains of mole hills. It helped me to realize that God/dess forgave me, especially when I spilled my guts. It helped me realize I have God's Grace. It helped me to open up to strangers in the program too. I am no longer afraid to talk about my problems. I don't really have anything to hide and that is very freeing. I still exercise discretion, but most of what I did to others wasn't that bad. I can use that to help others.....

I am building good friendships with others. I have honesty, openmindedness and willingness in my relationships with others. Funny how things really seemed to improve that don't seem related to this step at all. I believe it changed my perceptions. I have escaped abusive relationships just for today, and I'm not perpetrating abuse on anyone else -- after all I don't really want to add new stuff to my inventory that is bad and have to confess it. I enjoy the freedom this step has given me.

Step Four

2009-04-23T13:36:00.000-05:00

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

The 12x12 talks about how the vast majority of defects are instincts gone astray. We have instincts for survival, for emotional and material security and for sex according to the 12x12. When those things are threatened -- it can cause fears (or anxieties.) I prefer to call them needs since true instincts are reactions to stimulus that can't be helped and I was taught that only animals have true instincts. Anxiety, which is like fear, has nothing to do with real life or death situations. Anxieties and other defects are a problem that comes in when we avoid straightforward ways to get what we need. We often try to manipulate people, places and things into giving us what we need.

Facing oneself is a common theme in many myths and stories for the hero of whatever quest he or she is on. How can we face the Truth, if we are blind to ourselves. It wouldn't be truth then. The truth is we all have a higher power, but we will not develop the faith that our higher power truly cares for our whole selves until we acknowledge for ourselves what is really there. "We have drunk to drown feelings of fear, frustration and depression...." 12x12, p 44. We must face these things in ourselves in order to move forward.

God cannot work through us if we do not face ourselves. We all need to discover that we are loved, and, yes, often even forgiven for the things we have done. We need to know what is there.

Our brains cannot hold all the information about ourselves all at once. It is somewhat necessary to write out this step, lest we forget what needs "repairing."

It was a long time in recovery for me before I found out I really need to write out my inventory. This gave me the time to figure out why I needed to write it out, too. It wasn't until I was in recovery over four and a half years that I did this step. I, like most people I know, put it off. I had several excuses for doing so. "I know myself already very well." "I don't trust anyone here in treatment well enough." "I don't know how to do an inventory." "I don't know where to start." Even, "It's too much work!" I was still recovering, no doubt, in spite of not doing an inventory, because I stopped obsessing over marijuana anyway. My excuses were all versions of, "Pride says, 'You need not pass this way.'" 12x12 pg. 49

I was above such remedial work I thought!

This statement was me during my using days -- "As we morbidly pursue this melancholy activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution." pg. 45 Oblivion and/or being wasted past the point of any coherent thought seemed attractive often when I was using. I just didn't want to feel any more pain or think anymore about the scary stuff that had happened to me and loved ones. It also says, "Here, of course, we have lost all perspective, and therefore all genuine humility. For this is pride in reverse." pg 45. I was certainly the depressive type they were talking about in that paragraph. And I was somewhat proud of surviving all the crap I survived.

I have good news, however; pride is curable!

It says in the 12x12 that most defects are the same as the seven deadly sins.

I did my fourth step just before I acquired a sponsor. It wasn't a laundry list. I tried to use complete sentences. I don't think there is any "set in stone" way of doing the fourth step. Looking back its hard to see exactly why I put it off for so long. It was simple and there really weren't any surprises. It did make me feel better about myself -- it gave me a solid idea of what my assets are and subsequently what I could use them for! Feeling better was the surprise in this exercise. I think I was relieved mostly because it didn't go on and on and on. There was a limit to my "sins."

I try to be realistic and I applied that to my fourth step. I refused to take the blame in my inventory for things that weren't my fault.

"As we persist, a brand new kind of confidence is born, and the sense of relief at finally facing ourselves is indescribable." 12x12 p. 50

The 12x12 talks about how recovery is more then sobriety. Recovery is about finding good health. Many of my own defects led me to addiction -- I was too proud to go see a doctor, for example. I thought I had all I needed to survive within me, thank you very much! We really, however, can't stay sober if we are sick in our souls. The expression "sick and tired" is a very apt expression. We often fall into addiction when we are sick and tired -- when we are sick of ourselves and maybe too lazy to look at why.

But, see, I know myself much better now and can watch for my downfalls within myself. I KNOW what I have. And that is truly a relief. It helps me figure out what I need from God and/or others. Step four has helped me find more tolerance for others, too!

Step Three

2009-04-21T15:49:00.000-05:00

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

Step three is where my recovery from a lot of things started.

I did the steps basically out of order. I picked step ten out of the list of steps when I'd first checked them out as a teen. It sounded good to me to keep checking one's behavior and making amends for things done wrong.

When I did step three I was alone in my apartment in Bellingham. I had been smoking marijuana for about three years at that time. I was very scared when I did it. I didn't really do the step because I wanted to quit drugs.... I did it because I was afraid of the devil. At the time I thought the devil was trying to steal my soul or my body and do awful things with it to others. I thought, too, the devil was trying to tempt me to do evil things to my baby girl. I was having rape hallucinations that were worse at night and when the baby would breastfeed. I thought these hallucinations were demons raping me. It never occurred to me that they were just hallucinations -- after all it felt like something was actually touching my body. I said I turn over my mind, body, heart, soul and will to God.

Funny, but when all the chaos started at the coffee shop I was volunteering at -- where I started smoking pot and hallucinating -- fellow smokers who volunteered there were talking about merging their wills with Spirit's will.

I've had many concepts of God throughout my life. At that time I saw God like a stone giant who had long flowing white hair and beard. I'd also seen God as a Goddess. My Higher Power for a long time was just the Universe. I kept coming back to the concept of God as a nebulous, genderless entity that really had no shape but was everwhere. I called this entity Spirit, because that was the popular name for God in my circle of "friends" at the time. But, even the Bibble says there is more then one entity that makes up "God" (The Father, the Son, and the Holy (or Great) Spirit.) I just happened to, and still do believe there is a Goddess in the equation.

I just knew I didn't want anything to do with the devil. You see -- I'd been raped several times as a little girl and I just knew the devil orchestrated that. Although I didn't really trust or even like God too much at that point, I turned my whole self over to Him/Her. I wasn't sure, at the time, what people meant when they talked about God's love, and I did not feel that Jesus did love me. However, that was a better option then giving in to the devil. I wanted make sure that I, with my will, didn't violate my values and hurt someone -- and, well, God had never attacked me.....

Things did change after that. I had several things to recover from. I really belonged in alanon before I became addicted. I was very codependent on my "best friend" at the time. I'm sure God's will for me at that time was to get healthy. S/He just wasn't going to be the one to perform that big of a miracle and hela me. I had three stalkers too, and the police were convinced I was just crazy. One of them was a violent ex boyfriend. My daughter's father was exhibiting stalking behavior. The third one was a drug connection that had been accused of being a child molester. I was in a very dangerous situation in addition to being paranoid, and I was basically chased out of my apartment and that town. Another drug connection was starting to scare me too. I ended up taking off with my daughter in the middle of the night and hitchhiking with her out of town.

I think God helped chase me out of that town, too. I remember that the bushes around my apartment started to resemble monsters and they stayed that way for weeks. The shadows of tree branches on the wall looked like monsters too. Nightly I'd hear noises outside the windows. I kept hearing scratching on the outer walls and other things. Seeing Jesus' face in the wood grain of my cupboards and in the tree branches outside was a bit scary too. I was also hearing voices....

I think God's will for me at that time was for me to get away from that town and out of danger.

I got picked up in Montana with my baby. They took her away from me. After a suicide attempt sparked by a painful hallucination that my soul was being eaten by some dark amorphous entity combined with the certaintly I'd never get my daughter back, I was locked up in a mental health ward. They finally diagnosed me with psychosis NOS. I was still not seeing that it was God's will for me to get better. I did not like any of the medications they gave me, and had not told anyone about my depression or sought treatment for that.

After I gave her up for adoption because of seemingly impossible odds combined with some unfair treatment, I lost my place to live.

I'm sure now that God really wanted me to get away from the addicts I was associating with. At that time, I was still sure that pot came from God and it was perfectly okay to smoke it! But, I no longer trusted my connections especially since they either didn't care about or seemed threats to my daughter.

I ended up wandering around the U.S.A.. I learned from all this that God won't take our free will away from us no matter what. But, I also learned that God wants to be in our hearts. While on the road, I felt Jesus trying to get into my heart. I saw powerful imagery to that effect in my head too that would not go away. I decided that was alright with me, and let Him in. It was a very strong experience. I ended up talking a lot to Him after that. I began to understand that God did love me and began to feel it shortly thereafter. My self esteem began to improve even while I was doing drugs.

I was forced to quit the drugs. I was locked up, pretty much until I had made peace with my medications, go through treatment and was actually on the right medications. I began to realize things. I realized that God (or the Spirit) was love and that God did love me. I realized that God wants us to be healthy and free. I also realized that God wants us to find real happiness.

It says in the 12x12 that dependence upon our higher power makes us more independent. I can testify to that! It frees us from dependence upon others. God provides much of what we need and it frees us from manipulation -- both our own and other people's.

When I did this step again (in order this time) it was much easier then the first time. It was very scary the first time. I no longer felt insane or codependent on anyone, and I am a fairly happy individual. Within reason, I've found that God wants me to be comfortable too. What a pleasant surprise that is!

Step Two

2009-04-19T15:51:00.000-05:00

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

There was way too much insanity in my life when I was using drugs and stuff.... I had no faith whatsoever that my Goddess would remove it from me!

The 12x12 says there are three types of addicts: those who won't believe in God, those who can't and those who do believe in God but don't have the kind of faith it takes. I was the third kind of addict.

Some people don't believe that clinical depression is a form of insanity. I believe it is. It makes no sense, and has little basis in reality. Oh sure, when I was going through it, my mind was convinced there had to be some reason for it. I latched onto whatever bad episodes had occurred in my life and blamed it on those. I've been through sexual, physical, psychological and emotional abuse in addition to losing my mother at the tender age of three. Surely that was enough to have caused depression. The thing is, those incidents shouldn't have caused 20+ years of suicidal ideation. I really believe those incidents caused my PTSD -- of which I have most symptoms.

My insanity was what led me to use drugs. I tried everything before drugs I could think of (except doctors and medication) to get rid of it. I studied all kinds of occult, prayed to many different deities, studied Buddhism in depth and sought enlightenment. I even tried atheism at various periods during my life. I did all kinds of religious rituals. I stuck with the ones that seemed to work, and discarded the ones that didn't. But nothing relieved the insanity. My poor self esteem (which goes hand in hand with depression most of the time) led me to stay in abusive relationships much longer then I should have. Those abusive "relationships," of course, only made things worse.... I'm a little bit stoic at times, feisty and not the type to hole up and pull covers over my head. I didn't try suicide till I was in my late twenties. Life was a constant battle between me, myself and I -- digging for reasons to stay alive. My mother's death probably kept me from trying suicide for many many years. I didn't want to do that to my oldest daughter.... I would get up and get out of the house at least once a day. I didn't want to complain about something as unacceptable in my family as simple feelings. Quite simply I hid the way I was really feeling quite often.

I figured if God was real, She or He would take my depression away just because I prayed that S/He would.

Things got much worse when I started using drugs. It was around the time I started smoking marijuana all the time that I really developed serious psychosis.... I went off my meds quite often and finally stayed off them for the entire three years I was homeless. I had a lot of practice at pretending everything was okay. I had many people that did not spend a lot of time around me snowed that everything was okay and I was totally sane. I kind of have an ear for what people want to hear anyway.

The meds didn't help with the depression (which I still wasn't communicating about) and I was sure they wouldn't help with the rape hallucinations (which scared the crap out of me.)

It says in the 12x12 "obviously, the dilemma of the wanderer from faith is that of profound confusion..... He is the bewildered one." I was very confused. I still am, to some degree. I'm still not sure why God/dess doesn't want to take my schizophrenia away and if S/He can't -- why not? I mean, I tried faith in all sorts of forms to relieve it. I had to accept that God/dess works through doctors and probably helped the doctors and scientists develop the medications I take that work so well. I had to accept that faith in God involves listening to and communicating with others what is really going on.

My Higher Power is love. I've always known love is powerful. It can heal wounds. I just don't know if it can heal brains....

The reason my higher power is love is because when I was in jail, I got a bookmark that said God is Love.

Many things that had happened in the past convinced me that this is true. It seems like the Godless types in my family and in my life were lacking in spirituality too. I've been in several situations where I could just feel "the love in the room," and I wasn't alone in that. It always made me feel better. The fact that it was "in the room" and others could feel it helped convince me. It helped make sense out of the fact that people tend to fall in love with each other instead of people just falling in unrequitted love all the time. I always knew that God was everywhere, and love is everywhere too. Animals feel love. I liked the idea of love making the world go around. This concept freed me from believing or feeling obligated to believe everything people say and have said about God. It helped me to sort out the truth from the lies. I know God isn't capable of anything but loving behavior and it gave me peace and reassurance that there is such a thing as divine forgiveness, grace and tolerance..... God loves us and wants us to love ourselves as well as others.

It was God who relieved me of addiction. God and Goddess put me in a place where I could get treated for all my insanity instead of sending me to prison (for the crime I committed.) I guess love has to flow between people too, for it to work it's miracles..... So, love did restore me to sanity -- although it certainly wasn't what I pictured at all.

It's okay to be disgusted with religion in AA and NA. I get disgusted with dogma a lot. I know that love touches all people (although many people don't want anything to do with it, after all). This concept convinces me that God doesn't turn his back on anyone. That whatever religion or culture people belong to doesn't really matter, because unless someone is truly evil, they will be brought to a better place when they die.... Love is AWESOME.

Step One

2009-04-11T15:41:00.000-05:00

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable"

The 12 x 12 talks about this step as being one where we admit defeat. Defeat implies that we've been battling something and lost.

What a battle being addicted really is....We constantly fight with ourselves mostly, and often with others. We definitely battle (in our heads at least) with the drink or the drug. We often want to quit while we're still ahead. We usually want to quit when we are humiliated or shamed. We definitely want to quit when it is no longer fun. The battle usually begins when we wanna "come down" and can't. The battle begins when we're sick and tired of being sick and tired. Often the battle involves tussling with the police, other people, and sometimes predators. And the more inebriated we are the less sense it, or we, make. "It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such and obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us." says the 12x12 on step one. Alcohol and substances aren't alive -- they don't tire of kicking our behinds. Often the only thing to do is crawl away on our knees from such things. The 12x12 talks about how humiliating this can be. It is like being stripped naked in front of God/dess and sometimes it does mean being stripped naked. We have to admit to ourselves we are beaten in this battle before we can crawl away from it.

I was so used to fighting with myself and my pain, anger, resentments and bizarre thinking that when I became addicted, I didn't notice any difference for quite some time. I was quite the veteran of a thousand little psychic wars. My relationships and finances were unmanageable for quite some time before I became addicted. It was noticable, however, when life did the impossible and became even more unmanageable. I did blame all the unmanageability on the marijuana.... but I was convinced I was still smoking it all the time because I wanted to. I was totally out of it when I lost my apartment and so unable to function I couldn't even think about moving out much less doing it! I was unable to find a new place, etc. I ended up homeless for three years after that.

I was battling drug and alcohol abuse for quite some time before I even picked up anything. Other people in my immediate family and circle of friends were (and most still are) addicts and alcoholics. I got so fed up with addiction I thought I'd show them all! I started smoking marijuana..... (all the time) It relieved my depression for about an hour, made me feel sparkly and bubbly, and gave me an instant circle of "friends." It cost me the "friends" to snobby to smoke it cause they were doing "cooler" drugs and stuff, but I didn't mind too much. I was sick of "those people" anyway! I felt defeated.... I just didn't admit it.

Unmanageability was easy for me to admit. It was easy to see. My life fit every definition of unmanageability there is....

I was forced to quit.

I ended up in treatment after 3 1/2 years of being locked up (for trying to drag other addicts down with me....) I argued with them that I wasn't an addict. I was "just" self medicating is all. I argued with the recommendation that I stop drinking as well as drugging in my head a lot. Could always control the alcohol use was my argument.... why would anything change? When I started treatment I fully intended to go back to my self medication. Something changed though during the treatment. I started thinking that maybe using marijuana wasn't helpful at all. They had just switched my meds for my mental illnesses and they worked wonderfully.... My head started to work well. My personality returned. I did not do the steps in treatment but I did go to several meetings and AODA classes and did lots and lots of listening. I praised myself and felt very grateful I had never touched cocaine.

Powerlessness was an entirely different story when it came to me admitting it. I, however, had the dubious "luxury" of being locked up for the first four and a half years of my recovery. It says in the 12x12 that we need to admit this defeat before we can have quality recovery. I did not admit that I was an addict until I had been recovering for five years. I thought, while in treatment, that I could get away with drinking when I got out. Certainly I could sneak around and have a one two or a few and not get caught. I didn't think the rule that addicts need to give up alcohol too applied to me. I thought I would do that for sure when I was released.

It must have been my higher power that kept me sober though -- because I never did.

What made it occur to me that I had been powerless over the marijuana was the things I did. I smoked in front of small children. I smoked and then drove around (without a license -- mind you). Never got caught driving under the influence -- or without the license. I don't know if that was really all that "fortunate." What was fortunate was that I never got in any accidents either.....

I'm pretty sure that if I did drink my inhibitions against using would disappear just as I'm told they would. I have no tolerance to alcohol. I get drunk easily and throw up, without fail, after three drinks. Drinking never was much fun for me.... Marijuana, however, I have a very high tolerance to, and drinking did make me want to smoke it in the past....

The changes that occurred after this admission on my part were subtle and definite. I didn't feel quite so alienated. I clung to the third tradition which states that to be a member of AA one only has to have the desire to quit drinking. I don't think it really matters that I'm not officially an alcoholic. I can't handle the kind of predatory male types that NA seems to attract. There is safety in numbers and there are more people in AA and a lot of them seem more innocent to me. After all, most of the men who preyed on me before I became an addict were addicts and/or dealers. I do desire to quit drinking. I don't like it for one, and I don't want to go back to drugs under any circumstance. That just convinces me more that I was, indeed, powerless.

I had to tell myself when I first did step one -- I am powerless over the effects of the drug. I did that so I could move on in the steps. Whatever keeps me (or anyone) in recovery and works for them, is probably correct.... If I hadn't done it that way I never would have moved on I'm sure.....

"What Can I Do?"

2009-02-02T16:25:00.000-06:00

"The first step to recovery is to stop using. We cannot expect the Program to work for us if our minds and bodies are still clouded by drugs."

Basic Text, chapter 5, p.52

I think a better question is "what can I do today?" Today I can avoid bars and drinking. I can avoid using people altogether. This is a one day at a time program. It isn't just staying clean and sober to me; it is recovering from all the drugs I did -- one day at a time..... I can do all the things necessary for me to take care of myself. I can get up in the morning, brush my teeth, shower, make the bed and breakfast. I can keep things relatively peaceful in my environment so stress doesn't cause me to be tempted to use. I can respond in such a way as to try to keep the peace. I can avoid being at fault in conflicts, and such. I can listen to old timers for guidance, and newcomers to remind me where I have come from. I can prevent H.A.L.T. (Hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and stay relatively healthy.

Today, I could go to a meeting. NA or AA -- it really doesn't matter -- whatever is available when I need one. Some AA groups mind if my problem was drugs, others don't. The third tradition says all that is required for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I do desire to stop drinking. Drinking would only lead me back to drugging, if not right away, then eventually. I would stop taking the medication that I need too and start doing the drugs I don't. It would not help my clinical depression at all.... I have nothing to fear from meetings or recovery. God and Goddess will take care of me, and while I am recovering, I will let Them.

"Just for today, I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear."

Today, I can call someone in the program. I can befriend someone new. I can call someone who has already become a true friend. Someone who won't try to pressure me into using something, or drive me crazy. I can call someone who understands my conflicts today. I can call someone who understands my spirituality and/or spiritual crises. I can talk to someone about anything I want to talk about. I can sign onto stepchat.com and talk to other recovering addicts/alcoholics, and/or recovering friends.

I can, today, practice following rule 62. You know, they say that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy! I can find the humor in life and laugh. I can laugh at myself if I am being silly or absurd or even laugh at myself when I am taking things too seriously or personally. I can use my "loony sense of humor" and make jokes out of just about anything. I prefer not to hang out with the humor impaired, because I just love laughing.... I can apply humor to past escapades. I can apply humor to the news. I can find humor whenever I need to..... I can even ease a tense moment with a smart comment or joke. Humor is wonderful, today I can laugh, and it isn't chemically enhanced!

I can do my maintaining recovery steps 10 - 12. I can keep a watchful eye on myself and make sure I don't do anything wrong and/or own up to it if I do. I can track my progress and see how far I have come. I can keep up with my defects and try to improve on them with my higher power's help. Today I don't have to sit on guilt, or stew on stuff, or suffer self esteem problems. I can do something about my problem -- me!

I can maintain my conscious contact with my higher power. Mine is love, and I think it's a good higher power for me, because it is easy to find.... I can practice my faith -- which is a nice comfortable melting pot of religious teachings for me. I can throw out the stuff that Love doesn't do because I don't believe that love did some of the stuff that God is accused of. I can worship my Goddess (of love) -- I don't have to go to church and reject Goddess. I don't have to hang around close minded pagans that reject Jesus, or whatever.... I can have a comfortable relationship with my higher power, because the only people that have to approve of the relationship are me and my higher power. I have the freedom to love others, even if they reject me. Love does not have to be expressed openly to be real, or pleasant -- although it is very good when there is a free flow of love between people.... I believe my higher power wants me to be loving, and as long as I am, then I am doing the Spirit's will.....

I can talk to newcomers and carry the message. It helps me even if it isn't received well or in the spirit intended. I can feel good about doing that. I can feel good today, period. There is no "crash" from genuine good feelings -- although sometimes there is a gradual let down or periodic bursts of irritablity that interrupt my serenity. I can feel good about actually helping people that want my help.

Today I can be a good listener and not fear being swayed, because I don't have to be swayed by someone elses negativity or whatever. I can have a meaningful conversation with someone, without the forgetfullness that goes hand in hand with a "high." I can let someone else share their experience strength and hope. I can even share my own. I can learn and love learning today! I can live in the moment. I can enjoy all their is to enjoy in this moment. I can just be and be okay with that.

I can say the serenity prayer whenever I feel disturbed or have a problem today. I can say it whenever I want or need to! God/dess helps me get back to feeling serene which beats being "high" any day. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference! I can accept life on life's terms. I can find peace today, and stop fighting. I know I will be alright! Even if I am feeling down because someone died, or frustrated because so many of those I know are still using/drinking. It doesn't have to bring me to the lows that I experienced before I found recovery.

Today I can be grateful -- and that is sincere. I am here, and I am very happy I am recovering and healing, Thank you God and Goddess. I can't do one thing though, I can't do it alone! Love you all!

Terminal Uniqueness

2009-02-01T20:12:00.000-06:00

Today's Just For Today's entry was about hardships and terminal uniqueness.... "So many of us feel different or unique."

Terminal uniqueness is just that, terminal. There is "....nothing that can make us ineligible for the program not a life-threatening illness, not poverty, not anything." I know people that believe their lives have been too hard for recovering. They may die, and I'll have to let them go.... One is a painkiller addict, the other a major stoner. I know that an overdose of pills can kill. I think she thinks that what she has been through has been too rough. I don't mean to belittle her very real hardships, but I don't think dying from a pill overdose will help her. She simply isn't getting better from her serious childhood trauma... It's very tragic, and I can't seem to convince her that getting better will make her feel better....

The other person is a marijuana snob, but I'm sure someday, if he continues down his path of grandiosity and drug use, he will experiment with other things. He seems to think getting high is a necessary component of "enlightenment," and he persists in this irrational belief. He is terminally "unique" because he believes himself to be some exalted healer sent from Heaven. Do those kind recover very often, is what I want to know? I've met several that fit that stereotype.... He had a near death experience and I think he thinks that places him above others. (A skinhead tried to murder him.)

I don't know if it was terminal uniqueness that kept me out of this program for so long. I think early on when I was in forced recovery, that might have been the case. I didn't think I would be able to talk about my very real hardships. I thought I knew enough. It wasn't till halfway through my present recovery time that I started to go to meetings. But while I was still addicted I was totally irrational because of my mental illness -- which prevents rational thinking much of the time when it is active.

Terminal uniqueness is not the same thing as individuality. It's our personalities that make us truly unique, not our problems. If we really want to we can find common ground with mostly anyone. I don't believe throwing away our individuality is the answer. I know I love diversity. I appreciate people's differences. I seek common ground and respect differences when dealing with other people. I'm willing to discuss/debate differences if that is what the other person wants to do (i.e. agree to disagree....) But I'm not willing to argue with others about differences much. I pick my battles....

I think when we start thinking our problems are what make us unique is when we start really running into trouble. Then we want to hang onto those problems (which are often in the past.) It took me letting go of all delusions about myself and not being understood to find the gold at the end of the rainbow. I began to learn what it is about me that makes me really unique.

I know we need to unburden our past/problems if we want to heal. Hanging onto them for dear life and using our weaknesses as a shield will not help us. We really need each other. "My hardships do not exclude me from recovery, rather, they draw me into it," today's Just For Today entry. I find healing among other addicts and alcoholics, and it really helps to find understanding. I don't find all that in just one other person either. I need to interact with many. The more recovering people I know, the less I feel that what I've been through is all that unique.

Edging God Out

2009-01-31T16:16:00.000-06:00

"Our traditions are key elements in the ego deflation process necessary to achieve and maintain sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous. The first tradition reminds me not to take credit, or authority, for my recovery."

Today's Daily Reflection entry

The ego, according to Freud, is our sense of self. In Buddhism, that sense of self is an "intellectual construct." I believe in recovery, ego means a lack of humility. To have an ego, in many of the circles I've been in, means that one thinks of oneself as more important then others. It is edging God out. I believe ego and identity are two different things. One's identity is more closely related to the soul -- the true self. One's ego is closely related to what we think others think of us, and it is often inflated, or grandiose in addicts and alcoholics. But, I don't want to entirely throw out Freud's definition -- perhaps it is better to say that it is not a good thing to have an inflated ego.

Step four and step ten, should, over time, cure us of ego problems. We are all a mix of bad and good and therefore we are not better then the majority of humanity. We are not "above" any one, no matter how long we have been sober, etc. We do not have a better recovery then anyone else who is also recovering.

"Placing our common welfare first reminds me not to become a healer in this program. I am still one of the patients. Self effacing elders built the ward," todays Daily Reflections.

To edge God out, means to forget about God. It means to forget the divinity of others in the program. (We all have a spirit!) It can mean we are either to busy obsessing about people, places, things, drugs.... It can mean we are thinking entirely too much about how great we are. The entry in Daily Reflections says we need to put the common welfare of the group first. We need to think about the group. We need to give and receive from the group. We need each other to stay sober. We have to accept that we may not be able to be the one who offers the healing words to a newcomer, or even any helpful words at all. If one's ego is small and secure, the rejection will just roll off the back!

"The active role in renewed surrender of will enables me to step aside from the need to dominate, the desire for recognition, both of which played so great a part in my active alcoholism," today's Daily Reflection. We need to always remember that God is running the show, not us.

I'm not sure exactly what letting go of the desire for recognition means.... In today's Each Day A New Beginning it says "The inner urging to move ahead, to try a new approach to an old problem, to go after a new job, to learn a new skill, is evidence of God's eternal Spirit within." The whole entry talks about the necessity of self expression, and how divine it is!

You see, my expression is through writing and the arts. I write about all kinds of stuff, not just recovery. I love doing artwork. I do want to be recognized for my poetry and art! I would love to sell my work. That would put food on the table! I need to write -- it helps me organize my thoughts. It helps me talk about stuff better. It gives me concise concepts and a precision of speech I like. I honestly believe that my writing (which I've been doing regularly since I learned how to write haiku in elementary school) is a God given gift that I am supposed to share with others. I think I need to seek the balance there. I think I need to be careful to let go of expectations. It also says "To be human is to have a constant desire to be more than we are."

I feel as if though I am torn between these two readings.... Perhaps what I should be getting out of both readings is that there are no accurate blanket statements. It's okay to be me, and I think it's okay to desire to have my writings read! But I need to be careful not to see my recovery as being a better quality then others who are also recovering.

To me, it is better to have a small, strong and secure ego. That means that ego and identity are the same. It means we have an accurate picture of ourselves, are humble and are aware of our place in the world. Big egos are like balloons, so easy to deflate with just a little pin prick. It isn't fair to edge God out, because God is a better, very loving, person. We need God and others to continue recovering. We probably have a problem if our ego is in the way, and we are edging God out....

Progress Not Perfection

2009-01-30T13:50:00.000-06:00

"The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather then spiritual perfection."

A.A. Big Book, Chapter 5, pg. 60

Ah, perfectionism, I think it plagues all addicts -- whether they are addicted to drugs or alcohol (or both!) Perfectionists can turn out some very good works, but I think this trait tends to be more of a character defect then something else. I think it is important we learn to relax! A person cannot turn a river, God has to do that...

A tree takes a long time to become a tree. Trees aren't too concerned with perfection, but they are nonetheless beautiful, no matter how big or small they are. People have this in common with trees. Our souls are beautiful. Our youth is beautiful. Life is beautiful. Trees don't have to have their limbs in exactly some obscure position to still be recognized as a tree. Perfection isn't necessary.

"Progress not perfection," reminds us gently to take a look at how far we have come from where we were. It tells us that forgiving ourselves for not being perfect is essential. Do we really want to get to the very end of our spiritual journey right away? That's silly. That tree takes years to grow and become a full grown tree. Inside the trunk is the story of it's life in it's rings. The rings tell the story of climate and what other things happened to that tree and to some degree, the world around it. We will be affected by the weather, so to speak. There isn't always a perfect response. It usually takes a chorus of voices to help a newcomer find recovery. Sometimes getting fed up with a newcomer's B.S. and walking away sends a more powerful message to that person then anything we could say.

Like a tree, too, people prune branches. We have to let them. Sometimes we impede other people's progress with our defects and have to do something about them. When a tree's branches are pruned, it still, yes, looks like a tree. No two trees are exactly alike.

Perfection is such a hard thing to find. Sometimes it really isn't attainable at all. It isn't necessary.

I know I don't want to be anyone's perfect woman! What kind of peace could I find if I was? I am fond of saying "I am perfectly me!"

I apply the concept of "progress not perfection" to the things I create too. I apply it to life. Sometimes my temper snaps. Sometimes that is okay and I rarely do any serious damage with it. I'm a firm believer in doing as little real harm as I can to myself and others. I figure I'm probably doing alright if I follow that path. I let myself finish with the things I write and draw. I can always do another project along similar lines if it isn't "perfect" enough. I figure that what I have to say is important enough that I need to finish it sooner or later and put it out there!

It took me years to realize that how unattainable, and probably undesirable, perfection is.

Sure, I still have some defects. I've asked for them to be removed. Maybe there's some that I haven't identified yet. It's all in God's time, not mine. I think it's a good thing that progress is stressed over perfection in the big book and at each meeting. There seems to be this concept of the perfect human being that is prevalent in the Big Book and Basic Text, and in our media and numerous other places. Not being perfect allows me to be who I am, and therefore, I allow others to be who they are. It also keeps me from taking criticism too much to heart or personally. In a choir one doesn't really have to sing perfectly in order for there to be good harmony. Life is much like harmony most of the time, and perfection is unnecessary. I don't wanna be the one everyone leans on, anyway....

It IS my life, and I have to live it. I have to live it so I can live with myself. I try to be the person God/dess wanted me to be as well as the kind of person I like and respect. I guess that is what's important after all. To me, progress is getting closer to being a loving caring person to most everyone. There really is no way for a person to be perfectly loving.... If there were, maybe God would be out of a job! But, we simply don't have enough information in any given situation to respond perfectly, and it's alright.

Spiritual Growth

2009-01-26T13:24:00.000-06:00

If I were to list the three most important things to me they would be: friendships, spirituality, and my kids. I tend to be a little bit competitive and the US constitution tells me that all people are created equal. I wanted to be Buddha's equal. I wanted to be as enlightened as him most of my life.

Of course, I had hurdles to overcome. I have clinical depression. I have been seriously sexually abused. And, later in life I had addiction issues to battle.

I rejected Mother Teresa's path because she seemed to be anti-money (which is fine for her) but I don't want to be served and fed by others, really. I don't see the problem with having money to buy food or pay bills or have a place of my own. I tend to agree with the statement, however, "the love of money is the root of all evil." I also don't want to be a nun, because I rejected most of the Old Testament, and a good portion of the New Testament as well. I really believe that if one is too literal about the Bibble that it will interfere with real spiritual growth! I do agree with helping others with no thought of reward, but I wouldn't reject payment for services, either..... Plus, I like being half dressed in the summer, which is totally unacceptable when one is a nun!

My spiritual growth came to a grinding halt when I became addicted. My writing got very lame, and maudlin. You see, I let some people I was working with corrupt me. I volunteered at a coffee shop. I really wanted to learn how to be a barista (because I love coffee shops) and how to pour espresso. When I started there, I knew a few things about the Spirit and spirituality. I was very frustrated though, because at the time my depression was untreated. My spiritual joys were fleeting and short lived. I guess I expected God to just take it away. I met a musician there who told everyone in one of his songs that we were all angels. I think about that from time to time. I didn't really believe him, but I do believe we become angels when we die. (After some thought about that I began to see that anyone can act like an angel right here on Earth, and become angelic.) This man was a stoner.... a Rastafarian. He'd also had a near death experience once in his life. So because this "enlightened soul" smoked pot, and my depression would not go away, I began smoking pot all the time at this coffee shop. It was the only way we ever got paid for the work we did there....

It's a little bit funny how in my addiction I threw away those three things that are so important to me. Well, maybe "threw them away" is strong language -- I let them go. I let those things slide away. God would not "fix me." I had my mental illness and my depression and the pot didn't help with those (although I refused to admit this for a long time.) So I rejected God, but God insisted on being there in the background. Quite frankly while I was addicted, I just didn't care that those things were slipping away.

The idea of being an angel has stuck with me. It made me think about what angels are like. Angels are kind, so I strive to be kind. Angels are easy going without being doormats, so I strive for that ideal. Angels are givers. I try to be generous. I think true spiritual growth comes from step 11 and becoming the kind of person we like. Its easier to love oneself then it is to like oneself I think. Loving oneself is difficult for many, and I don't believe we can really grow spiritually without love for others and ourselves. Today I am that easy going person with a dash of penache that I like so much. I am not afraid to love. I know its the lack of love that hurts much worse then anything love can do to me.

I've also accepted that God won't fix all illnesses, I think the reason for this is that we have to accept that life on Earth is transitory and that when we get up to Heaven, we won't ever be ill again. God is not our slave.... I also think that the reason God doesn't "fix us" whenever something is wrong is that broken parts and illnesses are no excuse for being an evil creep. A lot of evil creeps think it is. I really believe that this world is where the creeps get weeded out, because there are no creeps in Heaven....

All this time, too, it never really occurred to me to ask/pray for healing from God. It took me a long time to really accept that there was a God. I used to pray to the Universe.....

I guess faith is essential to truly growing spiritually too.

I know that drugs don't bring one closer to God/dess and the Spirit now. Those "shamans" that use them, probably aren't really very caring about others. The whole idea of using mind altering substances to get closer to God came from that philosophy for me. But, now I KNOW, and I don't really regret having tried, because I no longer have to use to have my spirituality.

Even angels keep growing spiritually. I know that spiritual growth is a never ending journey. I don't think it even ends when we die. I know I can take it at my own pace, and there's no rush, because there really is no destination. So I might as well enjoy the "scenery," and appreciating the little things/miracles is a big part of my serenity, and spirituality.

An Open Book

2009-01-25T19:55:00.000-06:00

Being open and honest is an ideal. It doesn't come easy to all of us. I'm not the most open person in the world. Being talkative is not the easiest thing for me to do. I like being certain of myself before I open myself up to criticism or even praise. I live a very private life, but some balance is good....

I've strived to be honest all my life, although I haven't always been successful at it. If I feel cornered, sometimes I lie to protect myself....

Honesty, open-mindedness and willingness is the H.O.W. of this program. I'm not sure that being open and open mindedness are the same thing. I don't sit on issues usually or stew -- I write about everything I can think of to write about. It's harder for people to argue with what's in black and white.

One of the things that keeps me from being really open is that I tend to have controversial opinions. I don't agree with workaholism. I think people who'll do most anything for money have a serious problem with being indifferent to others. My adopted mom is Native American and I learned to spot when white culture is being too exclusive (like in many many workplaces) and it bugs me. Unfortunately when I say something about it I often get penalized, fired or become the target of anger. I don't agree with this technologically pathological culture we have. Progress at everyone's expense does nobody any good. I've found that being too open with strangers ends up biting me, often.....

There is value in the ways of other cultures. I am not open with my political opinions or religious opinions and beliefs a lot of the time. I don't find the arguments I always get in worth the effort or time they take.

I think it's easier to be open for people that really feel like they belong. I don't have too many problems being open with close friends and my sponsor. But, these people seem to agree with me that a multicultural society is a good thing.

I am at peace with myself. I am okay with the fact it takes me time to open up to people. It took me years to open up at meetings. I had to figure out what my common ground with other addicts was, first.

I think it is very important that we have people in our lives we CAN be open with. I don't necessarily think it's a good idea to be open with everyone. My sponsor likes to tell me that our secrets can kill us. But I have a few "good" secrets I'd like to keep, and they don't seem to be killing me at all. There is something wrong with being too open with our good deeds -- they call that bragging....

In todays Day By Day reading it says, "If we try to hide our problems, we cannot get help for them. To get help we must tell people where we're really at. No one can read a closed book."

This is very true, but there is also such a thing as discretion. I guess that comes with wisdom. It does no good to dump our problems on someone who is very sick or whatever. I guess I have this program to thank for helping me to open up, and especially opening up in the right place to the right people.....

Strength

2009-01-22T11:15:00.000-06:00

I consider myself to be a strong person, a tough person. I can take a lot. I can do almost anything I set my mind to. I consider myself to be usually a calm body of water (with my emotions) and not much causes the waters to get stormy. Strength, to me, means having a good will. It means being able to survive and live through storms. I am a strong ship. It will take a lot to capsize this boat and sink it.

I am not invulnerable, like the Titanic was supposed to be. Truly strong people are vulnerable. They aren't really afraid to let their feelings show or discuss them. A strong person, in my humble opinion, is strong enough to put their feelings out there and expose them to criticism or other adversity, and still be unrattled by that adversity.

There is such a thing as a strong program. I think if we keep honestly working a program, doing maintenance steps and not taking life, or ourselves, too seriously or personally we will LIVE. It is impossible to really live if we are weak (like we are when we are actively addicted.) It is just surviving, scrapping to get by when we are using. Weakness means we are slaves to our emotions whether they be real or chemically enhanced emotions. I've seen plenty of people who are actively using, and it seems like they have no handle on their resentments, their hate, their anger and their depression. They have no strength to swim away from the sewer.....

I think to be strong it requires some measure of self confidence. I think it requires a good self esteem.

I think to be truly strong, we must be able to rely on those that are stronger then we are. I think strong people have a lot of faith in a higher power. God/dess is a rock. God/dess isn't afraid to feel or let others know how S/He feels. I think strong people must be strong in love. They aren't afraid to love.

They say that "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I think that's where I got my strength. I've been in many life or death situations. I've learned that it does not help to get rattled or panic in such situations. I've been through a lot of crap in my life. It is important to be able to get back up and dust oneself off. It was because of encouragement from my higher power, I'm sure that I was able to get back up, with dignity even, and keep going. I learned something when I used to roller skate -- you fall down you're going to get run over if you don't get back up. Unless something is broken -- then a strong person calls out for help! Strong people aren't afraid to accept help, either.

True strength is within. The longer we are in this program the stronger we will get. The stronger we get, the longer we can walk our talk....

True strength is in being flexible too. To be able to bend in the wind is stronger then being so brittle we break. Sometimes, meetings are like the wind. We learn to bend. We learn to gain our ability to bend and go with the flow from others in meetings.

It is not necessary to be strong to start recovering. But, strength and gaining strength can help us to stay sober and clean. Just for today!

Take It Easy

2009-01-22T10:36:00.000-06:00

"This sounds like a big order, and we can't do it all at once. We didn't become addicted in one day, so remember -- easy does it."

"How It Works", NA literature

There really is no point in being hard core about recovery. We are also told "progress not perfection." It's impossible to get blood from a stone, and we can't milk this program for all it's worth all at once. Becoming "enlightened," as I call it, takes time.

It seems to me that the people who work the program too hard, talk nothing but program, and are too hard on themselves are doomed in recovery. Going at this program too hard is too selfish. It's trying to get too much data. It's trying to take too much. It seems like the gung ho types burn out quick and fast like a meteorite. We have to work on our obsessive tendencies, and it doesn't seem to work to make the program our new obsession. A person in recovery should understand the principles they are preaching, in my humble opinion, before they start "preaching" them. It takes time to be honest about a lifetime (or part of a lifetime) of dishonesty. A crucial part of recovery is sharing our real experience, strength and hope -- not preaching or much advice giving at all. If sharing our real experiences comes too easy and fast, we probably aren't digging deep enough into our experiences.

Real recovery takes time.

I waded into this program and I have a little over six and a half years sobriety. I did not say too much the first few years of my recovery. I spent a lot of time listening to others' experiences. I listened to the facts about drug use. I did not do too much preaching. When I got overwhelmed I'd back off a little.

Recovery is about living. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Therefore recovery is not all work. Rule 62 tells us not to take ourselves or life too seriously. Part of recovery is learning not to sweat the small stuff. Some of the stuff we've done really is small stuff. It probably did not ruin anyone's life. It's way too easy for newcomers to make mountains out of molehills. We don't need mountain climbing gear to get over the anthills.

One day at a time comes to mind. And each day we must take time to play and enjoy our new lives. I think that is crucial to a good recovery program.

I don't know about anyone elses mind, but often when I let go of issues I might be mulling over or obsessing about, the answer will come to me later. I've got a relaxed attitude towards my recovery. I work it when it is time to work. I spend the rest of my time going with the flow or trying to go with the flow. Acceptance is a big thing of recovery and we cannot force the higher concepts to work for us right away. Years of negative thinking, self abuse and even hatred may take a few years to unlearn and undo. I'm a big fan of the expression "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." Keeping the program simple is very important, I think, and that keeps it simple for me.

I've learned many many of the concepts of recovery. I have a lot of tools in my toolbox for staying clean and sober. They are there when I need them. I am confident that I can use them whenever I need to. It took me quite some time to put them all there. I needed to build up my self esteem which took years. I needed to make amends and that took time. I needed to work pretty much on one concept at a time. One step at a time. I had to learn how not to be hard on myself. It was all one day at a time.

So, take it easy, it's very important. We are more likely to relapse if we are stressed out, seriously. This program really should not be stressing you out and if it is, maybe you should step back and figure out what's really bothering you. Maybe it's too much criticism of yourself and others? Take it easy on yourself and others around you. Try not to bite off more then you can chew!

Daily Inventory

2009-01-18T15:46:00.000-06:00

Step 10: "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."

A daily inventory doesn't need to be a complicated thing. Unlike a fourth step, we don't need to write out our daily inventory. I know I don't.

I take an inventory any time there is a conflict or confrontation. I check myself. I try to keep the "bad stuff" off my inventory. I listen in conflicts, and I tend to leave them behind if I am not being listened too. This seems to work well for keeping them from spiraling out of control. I don't like losing my temper -- one of my character defects (I suppose) is becoming insulting when I do lose my temper. I also don't like the queasy feeling that losing my temper gives me. So very little is worth losing my cool over, and I've found that losing my cool is the least effective way to get things done.

I use my tendency to analyze stuff to inventory what I did and said: to see if I could've done or said something more effective. Every time I've talked to potential sponsees I try to figure out what I could have done better as a potential sponsor.

When I've done or said something wrong I usually admit it right then and there, and I let it go. I am no saint and I am definitely not a Goddess. I am under no obligation to be right all the time. I don't see the point of waiting till the end of the day to examine my behavior. I am a firm believer that we have control over what comes out of our mouths (unless one has Tourette's Syndrome or something). I maybe keep my opinions and feelings too much to myself, but I've found that most feelings are very transitory. Feelings are not facts. I believe in keeping the transitory feelings to myself if they seem negative or will make someone feel manipulated. Usually they go away. I try to keep from saying anything in anger too. I can be very blunt. I prefer to wait to deal with the anger when I've cooled off a bit. I think this all is a result of inventorying myself and my feelings. Like I said, I try during the day to keep my inventory "clean."

It says in todays Just For Today entry "We also want to monitor the positive aspects of our lives in our daily inventory."

I haven't really been doing that too much. I don't give myself enough kudos, I suppose. Negative thinking was such a habit of mine for so many years that I guess the ghosts of it are still around. That could be why I feel like I am not productive or effective enough in my communication. I tend to be a bit perfectionist, and I like nearly perfect outcomes. I suppose I don't give myself enough credit.

Doing a daily inventory is not a chore for me. I don't have set times that I do it. I usually do my daily inventory when there is a lull in the day's flow of events.

It says "Our daily inventory doesn't have to be complicated to be effective. It is a very simple tool we can use to keep in daily touch with ourselves." in today's Just For Today entry. I think that's important. Someone once said the unexamined life isn't worth living. (Or something along those lines....)

Confidence

2009-01-17T19:40:00.000-06:00

Self confidence is a nice perk of recovery, especially a recovery program that is worked well.... It also provides good ammunition against ever using again. It is unlikely we will want to do things that make us feel bad about ourselves if we feel good about ourselves now.

I am a pretty confident person right now. I have come a long way from the beaten young adult I was. I used to have no confidence whatsoever, and a really low self esteem. People in my immediate family would tell me I couldn't do anything right, and I used to believe them.

I used to confuse confidence with conceit. I've since learned that self confidence and conceit are not the same thing at all. Self confidence is a good self esteem and people who are conceited usually don't have a very good self esteem.

I think something that is essential to having self confidence is risk taking. Not necessarily biting off more then one can chew though. Taking risks is about being willing to love and have relationships (of many different kinds) even if one has been hurt before. I do get afraid to take risks, but I have the courage to take them anyway. I stand up for kids who are being abused or people who are being attacked by racism. I stand up for the underdog quite often, especially if I think it will help. Often, in public, the bad behavior will stop if I say something.

For years I've been working on the whole idea of not worrying about what others think. I can't control that. People have the right to think what they want. Today, what others think doesn't bother me. Oh sure, I get curious what people think about, but I am not worried about what they think of me....

I used to seek to improve my pathetic self esteem through men a lot. This did not help. I often ended up in abusive "relationships." They never told me what I needed to hear. Some of them just used me for sex. Most of them used me to abuse me. I thought, for many years, that if I had a boyfriend I was a worthy person, and that if I didn't I wasn't worthy. I wanted a white pickett fence and 2.5 kids and a husband who could fix all the stuff wrong without me having to communicate it. I wanted all my feelings validated. I never found this person (big surprise, huh?)

Nowadays I want to help others. I want to help others recover. I want to help others get out of abusive relationships. I want to help others feel better about themselves (which does require some work!) I want to make my world a better place for me and all those I love.

I know that negative self talk does not help. Beating oneself up is a poor substitute for true humility. Humility comes from finding out just how limited our power is to help others.... Beating oneself up is blaming the self for things that probably aren't even close to our fault. There is no point to beating oneself up. We have to be able to take care of ourselves if we want self confidence.

Service to others is essential to self confidence I think. There are lots of opportunities for service in recovery! I just prefer to serve those who need it most. I'd rather serve the underdog who doesn't have a lot to give then the bully who has a lot to give (but never gives anything.)

I try to see myself through God/dess' eyes. It keeps me from worrying too much. It keeps me from being too negative. It keeps me forgiving others and myself. It allows me to have real humility. If it wasn't for the love of the Spirit, I would be nowhere right now....

No substance can give us true self confidence. I'm quite sure I can handle most anything that comes my way. I know I'll figure out the answers I need. I'm sure I can take care of me, and I need no man to do it for me these days! I'm confident I'm not going to let anything damage my serenity. Today, I trust myself!

Hitting Bottom

2009-01-16T20:57:00.000-06:00

"Why this insistence that every A.A. must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program unless they have hit bottom."

Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions pg. 24

This quote was at the beginning of today's Daily Reflections entry.

I think I hit bottom long before I was forced to quit using drugs. I just kept digging after I hit bottom.... Boy were things ever bad. But I am a stubborn sort of person (it runs in my family.) I think my bottom was when I was kicked out of my apartment. I thought I could push it after the rent was no longer being paid. I thought it took a few months after that before they could evict me. Boy, was I ever wrong. I was ordered to leave by several police officers at my door within a week after the rent was not paid. I grabbed a few extra clothes and that's about all I was able to leave with. I walked away and wandered around Bellingham for awhile since I had no car.

There were several things contributing to this sorry state of affairs. I was a very paranoid person and I was hallucinating. I kept hearing voices and crap. My paranoia kept me from trusting anyone with a car or any of my "friends" to help me out with shelter. My mental illness made it impossible to focus enough to search out a room for rent or anything.... I had done drugs with my "friends."

One reason I say this was my bottom is because I had lost my daughter permanently a couple of months previous to this. It was my decision to give her up for adoption to the foster family. It was not my decision that placed her in foster care to begin with. I suppose it was inevitable. Most of the time while she was in my custody I was getting stoned and had no comprehension that I was mentally ill. I thought the constant hallucinations/voices were merely a side effect of the pot.... When I'd come down my depression would come back and I'd smoke more.

I took off hitchhiking with her when she was four months old. I was being stalked by the father. I was being stalked by a man accused of being a child molester. I was being stalked by an ex boyfriend too. I had all sorts of additional fears. I had thought that the ex boyfriend was poisoning my Brita water filter. There were also several men who seemed quite determined to get into my life (and probably my pants) who were drug addicts too. I was totally flipped out. I didn't really know what was real from what wasn't, and I didn't know how to tell authority figures about my very real problems. Furthermore I had issues with the government and Big Brother fears. I did not trust anyone in authority because I was so paranoid. The lady from Mother/Baby Homecare who was coming over to weigh my daughter once a week developed an issue with me because I finally refused to take off my shirt for the upteenth time so she could observe my daughter's breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding made me extremely uncomfortable, especially at night. I was having rape hallucinations. They seemed to get worse when I'd breastfeed. I'd get confused and really viciously angry when I'd breastfeed. I didn't know how to tell anyone about the hallucinations and was quite certain that nobody could help me with them. I figured that these hallucinations were brought about by the pagan God Pan who would visit when I'd get stoned.....
I got ticked off at the social worker and told her I was not going to take my shirt off. I yelled at her, and she reported me to CPS. My daughter had not gained any weight that week as well.

It was all too much, the real and unreal stuff. I had no idea at the time that some of it was coming out of my brain. One night in the middle of the night I took off with my daughter hitchhiking. I was determined to figure out who in my family could help me raise my daughter. I think the doctor who was really messing with my head was the last straw. Every time I took her in for shots or anything I'd have to take her diaper off. He kept waving his hand around over her privates.

While I was hitchhiking -- I quit the pot. We were on the road for three days before I was separated from my daughter and taken to the hospital. This was after I was at a truck stop and talking about vampires. Obviously the hallucinations hadn't stopped. I was diagnosed with PPD. I almost got my daughter back, but after I handed her to the CPS worker in Missoula, MT and asked her to hold my daughter while I went out and smoked a cigarette, she placed her in foster care. That night in the shelter they placed me in I tried (half-heartedly) to commit suicide. I ended up going to the hospital a few hours after taking one whole little bottle of sleeping pills. But I was so certain the charcoal they were going to give me was the head vampires blood and they were going to turn me into a vampire that I kept leaving the hospital. Eventually they restrained me and stuck tubes down my nose.... Then they put me in the mental health unit.

I still did not believe I was psychotic even after they told me I was.

After about a month they sent me back to Washington because I insisted on going back to my apartment. My daughter followed me on a plane a month later and was placed with a foster family in Bellingham. I did get visits with her but they were supervised. CPS workers did not believe that the father had raped me and tried to rape me a few times. Maybe because I denied it the first time they asked? He got unsupervised visits before I did. I did not understand why they were asking me, but not the father, to go to drug treatment. Obviously they did not believe that he was a crack addict like I told them he was. That was the last straw and I got hysterically angry. I still don't understand to this day why the CPS case worker would write 9 paragraphs against me and one paragraph against the father on her reports....

I really should have realized I had a problem with the drugs when I started smoking pot just before the visits with my daughter.....

I ended up totally trashing my apartment. I painted pictures on the walls. I would get enraged at the unsympathetic voices and hurl coffee cups at God (i.e. out the windows) I often screamed back at the voices. All this time I was convinced that the marijuana was helping me. After all, it did not make me gain weight like the meds did. It did not keep me sleeping. Boy I was terrified I'd have to sleep through rape hallucinations and die in my sleep....

I remained homeless for three years. I wandered all over the United States. I had no friends. I went coast to coast three times. Pot was my only friend and confidant. I really did NOT want to gain weight. I trusted absolutely no body. The rape hallucinations would enrage me and the voices didn't care about those.... I often went off screaming "fa**ot!" at God and the voices. I'd attract negative attention and move on. I even got arrested a few times. A couple of times for creating a disturbance. Once for shoplifting and another time for slapping a Greyhound Bus Line worker. (He tried to shut and lock the bathroom door on my arm. And after I slapped him he literally threw me outside twice) I guess it was obvious to me that my life was unmanageable, but I just did not care. Then the money ran out. I lost my SSDI because I missed my reevaluation appointment. They told me I was not disabled.....

I ended up staying in San Jose a couple blocks away from the Winchester House on an on ramp in the bushes. I was hanging around with a pothead who confessed to beating up his ex girlfriend because he had the pot I wanted. He lived on the off ramp with a couple other men who drank a lot. I would stand on the side of the highway with a sign saying I was accepting donations for the homeless (myself) and getting food money that way.

I rarely bought pot. Someone always had some to share with me and it was all I cared about. I obviously didn't care about myself much.

I did not care if I lived or died. I don't know why it was so hard and took me so long to admit I was an addict.... Like I said I kept on digging. I was finally forced to quit when I attacked one of my childhood abusers after about three drinks and karaoke. I ended up in jail, and finally in a mental institution. This was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I waded into recovery and I still take my time and mull over the various concepts in recovery. It wasn't till I had been locked up for over 3 years that I started going to NA and AA. I ended up, by the grace of God, getting exactly what I needed, and I still have my physical health.

Thank you God and Goddess for always being there for me!

May I stay clean and sober today. It is really what I want in my heart. I think that having it in our hearts to recover is what it takes not to relapse, because I haven't relapsed since being released. I did hit my bottom long ago, and I agree that it is what it takes to want it. I have absolutely no desire to revisit that hell.....

Thank you God and Goddess for everything!

Sharing Feelings

2009-01-15T20:34:00.001-06:00

I have lots of feelings. I don't always express them, though. I don't always express them in a healthy way, either. I did not learn how to talk about my feelings till after I became a grown up. I am still learning how to communicate them -- it is often difficult for me.

When I was a child I wrote about them a lot. Writing is my second language. The people in my family did not read the things I wrote though -- they never seemed to be interested.

Addicts and alcoholics that are actively using are not really good at expressing feelings (especially in a healthy way). My family is predominantly addicts, alcoholics and codependent types. I was discouraged from having any input on decisions and was never asked to identify or express my feelings. People in my family just acted out a lot. There was a lot of anger around all the time. I'm still mystified to this day what all the anger and hatred was about, exactly. I was taught by example, to strike out when angry -- preferrably at someone weaker or more helpless then myself. My conscience wouldn't let me get away with being a bully most of the time, so I took it out on myself mostly. I came to the conclusion a long time ago as a little girl that bottling anger was not good.... So I have been striving to find healthy means of expression for a long long time.

I'm still wondering exactly how I was feeling after my mother died in 1973. I think I was more scared then anything else. All the Christian dogma made no sense to me and did not bring me closer to the Spirit. My stepdad didn't help me much.... He just told me to go lay down after I found out she died. It took me a long time to realize that I was terrified of the man. He often beat the crap out of me.... I remember the fear based kind of paralysis I had. I'm still to this day trying to remember if I really felt anything else.

I have since found out there are lots of people out there that are like me in this way. It seems to be a very American ailment to me to not communicate feelings, especially communicate them in a healthy way. There's lots of discouragement out there for expressing any kind of "negative" feeling. People like to argue with and criticize those expressing "negative" feelings. Compassion seems to be something of a rare commodity in this country. I guess that's why I like meetings. I get to talk uninterrupted and can vent my negative feelings without being judged for them. I get to get to the end of my negative feelings and move on to how I cope with them.

I get mixed feelings a lot. I like to think of myself as a realist. Rarely is anything all good or all bad.... I end up usually writing about my strong feelings. I started doing this blog, because there is no flow to the feelings, if I don't share them with someone.... Few people I know have the patience to read all the stuff I write....

I am experiencing a lot of mixed feelings at this point in my life. I just got involved in a relationship with a man who seems very nice. I love him. He says he loves me. But, there are other feelings there too. I'm a little scared this will turn abusive or something. I feel like I'm cheating on people from my past and that brings a smattering of guilt.... I'm a little scared he'll get jealous of my love for all those I do love and demand that I love only him. I'm a little angry at myself for not resisting the temptation to get involved for very long. I really value my independence and am scared I will lose that. I get a little impatient because I feel like I should be doing something productive when I'm around him and he seems like he always wants to be talking about stuff when we are together. I also get scared he will relapse. He, too, is in the program and has more time clean and sober then me. I get scared I will relapse.

Vulnerability was never really a comfortable feeling for me..... I feel vulnerable.....

My strong feelings were what lead me to use. I felt strong depression, paranoia and anger. I didn't like those. It turns out I had clinical depression for upwards of 20 years before I started using. Depression is not just sadness, it includes irritability and anxiety too. I could not cope with it any more and was unwilling to take pills. (I've always had issues with all the pills people take...) I also thought I'd kill two birds with one stone and smoke pot to kill my sexual feelings as well. I never wanted to get involved again. Particualarily because I didn't like any of the men I was "involved" with and the person I became around those men. I was like the wicked witch of the west. I'd throw things and scream at them. (Assertiveness was something I really had to work at later in life) Turns out I have PTSD, which messes up one's perceptions and feelings, too. I also have schizophrenia which was more damaging to my emotional nature then my mental nature -- even thought they say it is a thought disorder.

I have since learned that it is okay to need help coping with my feelings. I still get scared that the bottom will drop out on me though. I also feel disbelief that nobody in my family can bring themselves to care enough about themselves and others to get healthy. I am like a trailblazer in this family, and I have made many mistakes..... But I cannot demand that they follow my lead; they won't let me. Thus I feel a little frustrated.

Turning feelings over to God/dess is very helpful too. I often ask God/dess to help me sleep at night. It is probably my most common prayer, and I'm sure it is God/dess who soothes me at night when I am troubled. I often talk to Jesus and the God and Goddess about everything I can think of, including feelings. To me, taking responsibility for my feelings is more important then sharing them. I have to know what they are first. I have to know where they come from. Then when I am ready I share them. It is not a good thing to keep them stuffed..... That is what my family does and they are not happy people, any of them....

And, I want to be happy, thank you.

Sanity

2009-01-07T03:44:00.000-06:00

Step 2: "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

There are many definitions of insanity. When I was using I pretty much fit all of them. I was definitely in my own world and did not want anything to do with the outside world. I did not even want to hear about it.

Sanity is priceless. We can't cope with reality without it. Sanity is swimming when the water gets too deep, getting out of the pond when it's too cold, and it is knowing when one should come in out of the rain.

Insanity can lead to using and using definitely leads to insanity....

Like a hamster trapped in a cage, its a vicious cycle, a hamster wheel. We spin our wheels and go nowhere when we use. Others can see that the cage is our own creation.... We are the hamster and the keeper. Nothing changes if nothing changes.... We barely manage to feed ourselves, much less go anywhere in life. And we aren't very kind masters of our own fate.

I think a hallmark of insanity is an inability to cope with fear. We end up ruled by the emotions we try to suppress. We give in to it, because we don't have the strength to cope with it effectively. Drugs and alcohol sap our strength away. Dealing with emotions is like driving a boat. If the driver of the boat is impaired, where will we end up? Capsized? Will we drown? Will we end up where we set out to go? We can pilot the boat effectively if we are not impaired. If we are heading out into dangerous stormy waters, we can eventually turn the boat away from that (if unimpaired).

I know lots about insanity, and I can't put all of it in words. I have paranoid schizophrenia, clinical depression, PTSD, and chemical dependency. I know that sometimes sanity requires medication. Our doctors and such are our navigators. They may not always be right, but one cannot handle a storm tossed ship alone. That is why I say that insanity often leads to using..... Chemical imbalances in the brain are just like drugs, and they aren't fun drugs. Those imbalances need treatment. Life is impossible to deal with if our lenses are clouded with fear, hallucinations, and sorrow constantly.

I know now that sanity is not overrated. It's almost impossible to have real fun while insane! I'm having more fun now then I ever did before I found recovery. I am not prey to the whims of paranoia, depression and PTSD any longer. My self esteem has improved vastly, and I have not had anything traumatic happen to me in at least six years. It is because I can appreciate the little miracles, all the life around me, and the good times without my emotional imbalances and skewed perceptions getting in my way. I know how to stay out of my own way, today. That, I believe is very important to being clean and sober.

We have to turn it over to our higher power to find sanity. Our higher power puts teachers in our lives. Respect is a key ingredient to sanity, I believe. Respect of the self and others. Respect for the competence of honest authority figures and "teachers." No man (or woman) is an island. Take it from someone (like me) who knows exactly what insanity is! Insanity is a very isolating condition, and there is a way out. There is a higher power for all of us and it is always there if we only LISTEN......

Just For Today

2009-01-01T13:43:00.000-06:00

This phrase epitomizes the whole concept that recovery is done one day at a time. Change can be scary, especially to someone new to the program.... And when we first begin to recover, feelings can seem kind of raw, overwhelming, and unfamiliar -- especially fear. To imagine that we must spend the rest of our lives without touching drink or drug is a change, and that change looks really scary. I couldn't picture it. I was so certain when I got out of being locked up, I would definitely want to go back to using marijuana. I was so sure that I needed it to cope! But, one day at a time I began to recover from the very first day I was kept away from my drug of choice. Just for today, I can stay clean and sober. It isn't that hard for me to remember how fuzzy things were, how much alcohol made me feel nauseous and dizzy, how anxious I really was and I can do it for another day. Eventually the days began to add up and days turned into weeks, months and then years....

JUST FOR TODAY my thoughts will be on my recovery, living
and enjoying life without the use of drugs.

It is important to keep our minds on recovery, if we wish to recover. This statement reflects how important it is to appreciate the little things in life. The little miracles that happen. How else could we "enjoy life." Pleasure is no substitute for happiness or serenity. I found that out the hard way. Oh sure, the pot seemed to make my depression vanish when I first started smoking it all the time. It sure seemed like I was having fun... But I wasn't. To appreciate things, we can't have artificial anxiety, paranoia, and egotism getting in the way. How can we "enjoy life" if we are worried about cops showing up and doing all the stuff they do...? How can we "enjoy life" if we are emotionally unavailable to loved ones? Eventually the loved ones will get sick and tired of us not caring about their feelings and go away.... It's important to remember that we can only find real enjoyment of life, or serenity, if we are not forcing the issue. That is why it is important to remember that we are recovering. It is very hard to have any control over our thoughts and feelings while chemically enhanced. It is not when we learn to recover.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have faith in someone in N.A. who
believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.

We DO need each other. People need some understanding from others. Perhaps the others in the program have struggled with similar issues to ours.... Perhaps they can help us out with those same issues. We have to trust other recovering addicts.... even though we probably learned that, while using, other addicts simply weren't trustworthy. It is good for us to trust others in the program, and it is good for them. It feels good to be trusted to do what we say we're going to do. I do have difficulty with this statement. I tend to be fiercely independent. I've never been a "joiner." It's a miracle I got into recovery because I don't join clubs, etc. I don't consider myself to be a "follower." I'm not sure what exactly I am supposed to have faith about in others.... Other people in the program have said things that helped me. Others in the program have lightened the mood with jokes and laughter when I was feeling anxious. I do have faith that recovery will always be there for me.... To me, that is what having faith means right now. I guess that will have to be good enough for the time being. They say "progress not perfection" and I am still learning how to have faith in others.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.

Having a program is vital. This seems to be a gentle reminder to follow the steps which are the "program." It also says, in essence, that we DO NOT have to be perfect.... There are lots of "in betweens" in real life. There are actions that aren't exactly right or wrong, but if those actions go unexamined how will we ever know? There are character traits that are in between -- neither being a defect nor an asset or being either depending on how they are used. If we don't examine these traits, how will we ever use them for the greatest good? If we don't examine our feelings, we may end up ruled by them. We may end up "acting out" in a childish manner, just like active addicts do. This statement is a gentle reminder that it is our duty, today, to examine our lives and get to know ourselves better. It is a gentle reminder to keep trying to do our best, do the greatest good. For, when we do this our self esteem improves, and people with good self esteem tend to be less likely to use drugs..... It is our duty to do what it takes to feel good about ourselves.

JUST FOR TODAY through N.A. I will try to get a better
perspective on my life.

Maybe we aren't the monsters we thought we were?
Through the program and the steps we learn that we aren't all bad. That not everything we did was rotten. We find love in the program, and many of us when we came to this program did not believe we deserved love.... So many of us feel that love must be earned.... In NA we don't have to earn our love. It is there for us. We may not find perfect unconditional love every time. We may not feel it when we first start down the road to recovery, but it is there. We ARE worthy of love. By doing the program of NA we will get closer to our Higher Power. From our higher power we DO find unconditional love. Usually some kind of recovery is necessary to find that higher power. Some say "with love, all things are possible." When we open up to our possibilities, we will find we do have a better perspective. The better we feel about ourselves, the better life will look.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.

They say in recovery "fear is a lack of faith." This statement completes the circle.... It leads us back to the first statement of the Just For Today reading. It takes faith to walk into a meeting -- faith that we will (usually) feel better after the meeting. Faith that we will not be rejected and/or criticized. This statement is phrased nicely for both the newcomer and other recovering people. It encourages us to reach out to others in the program. No man (or woman) is an island. We need each other. This statement of the Just For Today reading gently encourages us to love each other. Our "new way of life" generally involves loving ourselves as well. It means accepting love from our higher power. Truly our higher power will always love us and therefore, we really have nothing to fear. Our way is one of faith in our higher power, ourselves and others.

Just for today, I will love and be loved and everything will be alright.

I often tell myself "It will be alright," and that does help me

Helping

2008-12-24T12:23:00.000-06:00

Helping others and accepting help seems to be the theme of my meditation books today.

There is no sin in asking for and accepting help with our recovery, or anything else for that matter. We did NOT do it alone. We had many people help us in recovery. Often we were provided with food, shelter, etc. when a lot of us went to treatment. Most of us had to accept emotional and spiritual help from a drug counselor or two. For some addicts/alcoholics it is too much to have to "step down" from the high horse of grandiosity to accept spiritual help from a drug counselor or a recovering addict. Our egos tend to get huge and stretched very thin when we are actively using substances.

Oh, yes, and grandiosity is something too, that a lot of us needed help with.

We have each other too. We often need help from other addicts. Using addicts usually have "more important" things to do (like getting high) to help us out. But often we can count on recovering addicts and alcoholics. If we get cravings we can call someone in the program.

If we have tragedy happen, we can call someone in the program to help us out with our possibly overwhelming emotions.

We don't need to feel trusting to accept help. We can still be suspicious of others motives, and still accept help! We can go to a meeting in spite of how nervous or suspicious we are. We can think what we want or do.... As long as those feelings and thoughts don't get in the way of recovery. Thoughts and feelings won't kill us, but it is likely that abusing drugs and alcohol will. We all need help getting rid of drugs. We often need medical help with withdrawals. And, it seems, a lot of us have some kind of mental illness that may have provoked our self-medication in the first place that needs treatment.

For me, help with my mind was the hardest to accept. I have a good mind, but I have chemical imbalances in my brain. I'm still not that forthcoming with thoughts a lot of the time. I did not reach out to a psychiatrist for my depression. I figured it was all situational. I thought my mental/emotional condition would eventually straighten itself out. It evolved (or rather, devolved) into schizophrenia..... And while I was psychotic -- I still didn't want help. I wanted to fix it myself. There is no such thing as being smart enough to fix the chemical imbalances of the brain. One cannot outsmart a real illness! Eventually though, things got so bad that I HAD to accept help from someone. I had no choice. I was practically kicking and screaming in protest however.

I'm a good one for pretending everything is okay a lot of the time. And now that I'm in recovery, I don't have to pretend -- everything often is okay for real.

Part of recovery is the twelfth step work we do (after we've done the eleven other steps -- of course). We must reach out to help others. We share our experience, strength and hope and hope that it helps someone else. We encourage others to stay in recovery. People need people to find serenity. Now, I'm not talking about codependent neediness, but we do need people in our lives to stay recovered and content. We often provide rides to meetings, we sponsor each other, we are available to answer the phone and the door to other recovering people.

We reach out to those who are still suffering. We let them know that we are not their doormat, but we are willing to help them find a better way of life....

God/dess wants us to appreciate each other for our special talents and abilities so God/dess lets us lean on one another. To help others and accept help in our spiritual growth is a higher path.... No wo/man is an island and knows everything there is to know. God/dess meant it to be this way.

The Holidays

2008-12-10T13:24:00.000-06:00

Well, Christmas and New Year's Day are coming up soon and I've been thinking a bit about them. Christmas happens to be one of my favorite holidays. Possibly my favorite, after Halloween. Although I could do without the frigid temperatures and multiple feet of snow.... I've lived through several "green Christmases" and I don't mind there not being snow. Truth be told, I really hate snow... even on Christmas!

I have not spent the holidays with family in over 20 years now. They have never called me on the holidays or sent me cards, much less invited me over.... It was always me that called them on Christmas and Thanksgiving. They've complained about me moving around a lot since I moved away from my parents, but I really didn't move too much, and I always gave them my new phone number and address when I've moved. Since I committed my crime, I no longer feel obligated to talk to people who have legally made it so I cannot contact them, and it's okay. However, I still love Christmas. I refuse to be one of those lonely depressed meandering souls on Christmas. Perhaps it helped that that was the only time of year my stepmonster was mellow and mostly cheerful when I was growing up. She would actually bake cookies and stuff. We, my brother and I, actually got to spend time in the living room on that holiday. (The rest of the year it was either spend time in our bedrooms or in the basement. Most of the time it was the basement for us.) Christmas became a peaceful time of year to me, because of that.

I usually spend my holidays with friends. For its friends that I'm most thankful for in my life. I've spent periods where I was convinced I had no friends. Those were rough patches....

When I was using I missed seven Christmases. I really cannot, for the life of me, remember what I did during those Christmases I was addicted. That's one of the things that's been on my mind lately concerning the holidays. It's a bit disturbing to not remember one of one's favorite holidays.... I think I just plain refused to celebrate any of the holidays during those years.

Not that it's an excuse to use, but at the beginning of my addiction I was fed up with the behavior of a very close friend who I had spent about 9-10 of the previous holiday seasons with. We treated each other as family on the holidays usually. I enjoyed spending time with her and her family on the holidays. She, however, often used me for free child care without payment OR thanks. She would have lost her kids in her custody battle with her violent ex husband if I hadn't been there to care for them when she could or would not. Or someone would have called CPS on her. She rarely got up before noon and young children need their breakfast and supervision in the mornings, especially if they are too young to know not to run outside into the street! She never said a bad word about her ex husband; it was her mother who told me that he had thrown a dinner platter at her head. I never liked the man, he used to beat the crap out of Samantha (his daughter) while potty training her. He hit on me several times even though I adamantly said I was NOT interested. She never once, during the custody battle mentioned his violence. Ah, well, her behavior and denial is customary for an addict.... She does like her pain pills for her cough-less bronchitis....

Ah, but, I AM thankful the kids were never removed from their family. I am thankful that I got to help raise kids after giving up my first daughter for adoption. It was nice to get to know a child or two, even though I don't really know my own. You see, my old best friend is Cajun and I know for a fact that CPS is really hard on Native American people. She doesn't really trust anybody that is full blooded anything, including whites. So she doesn't seek help much for her issues.... Prejudice is real, and I'm positive it would have worked against her in a custody battle of any kind. Often white authority figures want to kill the spirituality of many Native Americans. They want them to integrate into white society. They want them to work for other white people often. It doesn't seem to matter that PTSD (and addiction) interferes with her working (some stupid wage slave job) in a serious way. She has problems in college for the same reasons.... I had the time and the energy for many years -- so I decided I could help with the kids.

I can't think about Christmas without thinking about her and her family. I often miss them -- although I'm not sure I miss my old best friend, herself.... I think the lack of gratitude burned me out a little. That and the lack of a desire to get better....

This holiday season, I have many things to be grateful for....

I've lived in this town long enough that I have finally got a circle of friends to spend time with. I have a few old friends back in my life too that I can talk to about the stuff that happened "back then." I have my own apartment. I am grateful that I can have spaghetti on Christmas without irritating any one! (I live alone!) I may not be getting many gifts this year, but that was never what it was about to me.... I was a weird kid, I loved giving more then receiving even then. It was fun watching people's faces when they'd open their gifts! I'm not sure I really will be able to buy too much for others this year either.... However this year, I think I will make fudge and give that to people!

I am grateful that I will be able to remember this Christmas! This Christmas may actually be worth remembering since I have those friends (and a cool sponsor) to spend it with, too.

Relationships

2008-12-08T20:36:00.000-06:00

I am staying away from romantic relationships for awhile....

It seems to me that men just expect too much. I have a difficult enough time cleaning up after myself. I've got enough emotional baggage of my own that I don't need someone else's too.

"One of the biggest stumbling blocks seems to be in placing unrealistic expections on ourselves or others. Relationships can be a terribly painful area."

Basic Text pg 78

Before I became an addict I had several "relationships" with men who had pushed me into sex and/or taken advantage of me. I guess it was an unrealistic expectation that they treat me with decency and respect. I'm not sure it was my issue of self respect that made me go back for more abuse..... It was more in the spirit of forgiveness and tolerance for me. I thought I could teach them to be better people, to learn the value of being "good," to touch me the way I wanted to be touched, etc. I was a very confused person. I believed that if they must "desire" me that much it must be love. I'd get a physical reaction often when they'd touch me that I could not help and I was certain, on some level, that that was what encouraged them to take me further then I wanted to go. I was so certain they could "see right through me." It was quite a pattern -- I'd tell male "friends" up front that I was not interested in a "sexual relationship" and they'd all ignore it. I was also clinically depressed -- at times severely depressed -- and had a hard enough time seeing any kind of hope.

A lot of these men were also addicts or alcoholics (or both.) They often promoted and pushed drug use upon me. I got so tired of running from addicts that I just gave in. The pot smokers seemed the least disturbed by reality -- so I thought if I smoked it too, my reality wouldn't disturb me any more.

I was married once to a very abusive alcoholic I met in the Navy when I was enlisted. That relationship lasted three long years. He convinced me to try LSD for the first time. He'd rape me while we were "frying." He never asked permission or took "no" for an answer when he wanted it. He just started grabbing my body parts and kissing me like a fish. He never quit doing oral sex when I wanted to quit. He never would stop grinding around on top of me till I had an "orgasm" first. He loved to drink and smoke pot and do LSD. He rarely had a job. I often faked it with him just to get him to climb off of me. He, of course, never listened to what I wanted in bed. There was no affection allowed -- hugs always went further then I wanted them to.

I learned when I was little that men often wanted one thing. I learned that it took a lot of figuring out how to outsmart them into not wanting that from me any more. It seemed like such an awful lot of work to get a man to quit taking that thing from me. It seemed a lot easier to just give them what they wanted. I was afraid that I would get punched in the face if I fought back too much. It never seems to occur to me to scream for help. When I was little and getting raped, I couldn't breathe well enough to scream, and it never became a habit.

These "relationships" -- including my marraige and those following (which seemed like being married to my ex all over again) really traumatized me. I have been taken advantage of by at least 50 men over my lifetime. Often repeatedly. It gave me all the excuses I needed to use drugs. I thought that they would help me cope with the pain. I figured if it would give me pleasure it would take away the pain. Pleasure doesn't get rid of pain though as I soon found out. Being high started to make me anxious all the time. There was nobody to talk to about it either that I knew of at the time. My whole family refuses to believe in sexual abuse and that it could have happened to me. Most of my family has a drug or alcohol problem and thrives on denial. Some of my family is also sexually abusive. I can't have relationships with people I can't be honest with so I am staying out of my familial relationships as well. A lot of people really believe they are the "black sheep" without actually being that. I'm certain I am.... Being in recovery from mental illness, depression, drug addiction, and PTSD makes me even more of a black sheep. I don't believe my family believes in recovery, mental illness, depression, that they are addicts or that sexual abuse causes PTSD. They don't accept that these things interfere with "finding a good job" and "keeping up with the Joneses." That, and it was totally unacceptable to all of them that I committed a crime against one of my abusers. They subsequently disowned me and took out "no contact" orders against me. I guess it was the "last straw." To me, it was like having a tumor removed -- it hurt, but I felt much better afterward.

Friendship to me is the only relationship worth having. I really love my friends. I take care of my friends. I don't stay where I'm not wanted either. I believe to have friends, one must be a friend. My friends are my family. I believe that real friendship is a two way street, and I no longer feed the leeches. I've learned that respecting myself is also an action. I figured that out when I was using, and have continued to learn about respecting myself more since I've found recovery. I've also learned that the truth can be an effective weapon against predatory types if it is coupled with a kind of fearlessness. I know it isn't my fault if one of those types decides to hit me. I'm not really afraid of pain or death and will tell the worst monsters off if I have to. I will point out their flaws to their faces. I will call it out as I see it if I feel I am being taken advantage of. I will not go back for more anymore. I will escape from them as soon as possible. I will enlist the aid of others if necessary -- although I've found the police and DA's to be the least helpful of allies to me.....

I also have my relationship with Jesus and the Goddess. (I believe in both entities) They keep me from feeling lonely. I know there is life after this and I will get to see my mother again if I do die. It wasn't till I found recovery that the whole concept of there being a real higher power started to make sense. That is, recovery from mental illnesses and drug addiction. In jail, I was given a bookmark that said "God is Love" That's when it all began to make sense. I don't know if it was "just" my mental illness that made me see angels and Jesus when I was addicted, but now I know that those kinds of things are real. To me it just isn't worth it to find a romantic relationship and with my close relationship to my higher power(s) I almost never get lonely. Plus I really enjoy my freedom and being single. I only have me to clean up after! I don't have to report where I am going or when I'll be back. I LIKE sleeping alone and can hog the bed and covers to myself! Quite frankly, my uncle spoiled french kissing for me, and I don't really like that much either. I guess I'm just having too much fun to have it any other way. Life is good nowadays. I find that without the "sexual curiousity" I get in less trouble. I don't respond well to being "hit on" and am not the least bit curious about men who "hit on" me any more -- no matter how honest it seems.

I'm not afraid to be rude if I need to -- to people looking for sexual and/or drugging partners. I guess that's what it takes. My sanity is just too valuable to me now.

Recovery Is Reality

2008-12-01T23:48:00.000-06:00

Recovery is all about dealing with reality. It IS reality for me and many others who are in recovery. Recovery is all about being real. It's about facing and showing our real selves. I almost feel sorry for those who don't find any kind of recovery, whether it be from addiction, alcoholism, abuse, gambling, overeating, etc.... It is a reality that there is a higher place, and the higher we go the better we feel and the better off we are.

I used to feel so isolated and alone. Before I started using regularly, I was very much into becoming "enlightened." Other's didn't seem to be interested in enlightenment much.... Of course, I was not hanging out with recovering people then. I used to use I statements. I'd try to compromise in conflicts. I tried to show love to others. Few people would even meet me halfway. It seemed like most of the conflicts I was involved in involved accusations or people giving me orders without explanations or compassion for my feelings.

I've said this before; love is my higher power. Love is a reality. Love exists. Love is real! It is around even if we are using, clinically depressed, or certifiably insane.... I found love before I found recovery. Perhaps it was tainted with other's addictive behaviors, but it was always there and very real. I found love when I was actively addicted too, but I ran away from it. I'm not talking about romantic love, necessarily, either. To me, true friendship is the highest form of love there is. I had real friends. I found people who took care of me for brief periods of time when I was homeless and addicted. People gave to me. I was given money, food, shelter, clothing and transportation. Few of those people wanted anything in return.

Love helped restore my faith in humanity. It is of course, tempered with skepticism. I've had enough people lie to me, use me, and take advantage of me. I used to be such a sucker for a good sob story....

Love was such a rare commodity in my family. I've learned from my experiences that my kind of family is rarer then I thought it was. I've heard other war stories from recovering people about their families.... Love should never be "earned." It is meant to be given freely and shared. It is meant to be passed on to others. I was the kind of kid that was always shocked when I found out my elders were doing something wrong. I usually hid in denial when I found out they were breaking the law or doing immoral things. I was not the kind of kid that reported abuse. I guess I learned at an early age I wasn't worthy of love; to love myself was conceit, or something.

My love could not fix it! I tried to fix it a lot. I was also the kind of kid that used to think that if I couldn't do it myself, what could someone else possibly do about it?

My stubbornness (which runs in my family) is good for something though. I am stubborn about solving puzzles and figuring things out. I want to know how things work. I wanted to know how God worked. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know why my parents were so uptight. My stubbornness has kept me in recovery. It keeps me doing things that are good for me. It keeps me trying to become the kind of parent I thought my parents should be. I am an avid reader of all kinds of stuff. I read long ago -- somewhere -- that love should be unconditional. From that point on I wondered why I was not getting unconditional love from family. I love love (be that good or bad -- that is the way I am.)

I am rather new to the area I am living in. I am having to build up my support system from scratch. My family wants nothing to do with me these days. I am not spending holidays with them, and it's been about 20 years since I was welcome in a family member's house on the holidays. The friends I spent the holidays with in the past are addicts, unfortunately. They live far away, and would not be good for me to be with now that I have the reality of recovery. Reality isn't always fuzzy pink clouds and rainbows and butterflies. It isn't always peaceful. Some people really object to me finding recovery. Some people really object to the truth. Seems some live their entire lives in denial -- although, granted, the truth is too hard to deal with while on drugs -- too shocking. Reality can be scary.

Reality, though is rich with experiences, emotions and yes, love. Love is my reality. I live and breathe love. I show love to mostly everyone. Love is mostly about giving, but it is also about graciously receiving. Love is about telling others the truth -- even if they don't like it or misunderstand. Love is about being honest, open minded and willing. I'm sure my new friends do feel love for me, even if it is a new love. Love is real! Love gets stronger in recovery, because addiction weakens our ability to give and receive love. Love is very frightening to an addict. Which explains why I was scared of everything, including love, when I was addicted. Love was an ideal when I was using, now it is my reality. I am no longer alone in trying to find that higher love. I am no longer alone in seeking enlightenment. I am no longer a lonely spiritual type.

For that I am grateful!

Oh, and I no longer let immoral, illegal acts slide. Sometimes love means choosing sides. I choose sides with the victims (or survivors). Sometimes love means sticking up for the underdog. I love myself enough to not let myself be victimized any more. God and Goddess love me too. They loved me before others showed me love, and definitely before I loved and took care of myself emotionally. I know that means loving myself unconditionally..... I am recovering from abuse too, and that is reality too. We won't find reality when we are escaping from it with chemicals and substances. We won't recover from our pain until we start to actually recover. That is a fact and therefore, reality. I am not perfect and I love it! The real me is not so screwed up any more, and people accept the real me easier then they used to because I am recovering. It is okay to be me; that, too, is reality. I also love my imperfect friends dearly. I feel good about myself -- even when reality is unpleasant -- because of love, and that is priceless.

Sharing the Real Me

2008-11-30T19:35:00.001-06:00

Today's entry in Just For Today says "If we are to share our innermost selves with others, we must first have an idea of what those innermost selves are truly like."

Getting to know oneself is a life long journey I think. We do change sometimes when we grow older. We discover new talents. We discover new feelings. We have new reactions to our feelings. There are things we simply did not know about ourselves. There are things we discover we are capable of that we did not know we were. Our state of mind changes all the time. Some have said that the only constant is change. To some degree, too, we can decide who we are or will be. We have some choice in what kind of person we are.

It is impossible to share all of ourselves at a single meeting. We do have to decide what to share and what not to share. We usually want to stick to the topic unless there is something more urgent going on that demands our attention. I think it would take most of a lifetime to share all of me with another human being. True intimacy is people really getting to know one another. That means taking risks.... It can be scary to share what is really going on inside with others. But in truly intimate relationships we should have plenty of time to work up the courage to share all of ourselves. There is no rush to confess our innermost fears to virtual strangers..... That probably wouldn't be wise anyway. There are plenty of real predators out there, and predators see fear as weakness. They would capitalize on such feelings....

I spent a lot of time getting to know myself before I became addicted. Recovery has been, to some degree, relearning some of my old habits. I was constantly reflecting. Of course, before I became addicted, the lens I was looking through could've been considered "cloudy" because I had clinical depression for over 20 years before I became addicted. The person I knew myself to be back then felt suicidal most of the time. I didn't believe that anyone was powerless over any aspect of themselves back then. I thought that if I meditated enough, exercised enough, was tolerant enough, talked to God/dess and prayed hard enough, did enough good deeds -- some thankless, helped others out enough, was green enough, etc. I would feel better. Looking back I can see quite clearly that I was powerless over my depression.

My self esteem improved before my depression was treated. That had a lot to do with me just deciding to escape from those predatory types as quickly as possible. I used to try to educate them and help them with their self esteem. I know now I was much too tolerant of their shenanigans. I really did not know any better. Nobody taught me about how to deal with those kinds of men, much less effective means of dealing with them. I know it isn't a woman's fault when she gets hit by a man -- but I know I don't want to give those kinds of men any excuses to hit me either. I know I never want to get facial reconstructive surgery or anything like that.... So I just started to leave those kinds of men behind me as quickly as possible and trusting my gut.

Unfortunately this way of coping cost me a couple of friendships with women who were also too tolerant of abuse. They defended those kinds of men, and decided that I was doing something wrong by refusing to put up with verbal and sexual abuse. Those "friends" denied my experiences.

Oh well, such is life, some people will never accept who we really are. I have learned through experience that it isn't worth it to force my real personality on others. I've never been one of those people who wished I were someone else. I've always thought that I was fine just being me. Maybe it's my own "sour grapes" story, but what other people have and do never seemed worth the price they paid to get it. I've always had some faith that things would improve for me. I've always been introspective enough to know that I could change what I didn't like about myself eventually. I'm a little bit stubborn, too, and I'm not the kind of person who would just lay down and die or pull the covers over my head and hide for long. Other people simply don't have what I want. I can get my own, thank you very much....

I've found too, through experience that people who have a problem with the "real me" as they perceive me, are often projecting their own repressed personality traits onto me. It's been said "you spot it, you got it." I try not to do this. I try to remain non judgmental of others. It takes time to get to know real people and what is really true about them. It takes time to see others clearly.... It helps if there is honest intimacy going on. I don't trust others right off the bat. I tend to project my good traits on monsters at times: things that simply aren't really there....

I put the real me out there. I'm not always talkative, in fact, I am not very talkative at all, but I'm always me. People can like it or lump it. It helps me not to get too attached to others. Detachment from others who I have feelings for can be very helpful. People have the right to do what they do as long as they aren't victimizing someone. I don't have the right to try and control them, and I expect others to give me the same right. I have the right and responsibility to be real, and I need patience to find those who like and love the real me. Those are the friendships that are worthwhile to me.

Trust

2008-11-06T06:19:00.000-06:00

Ah, yes, trust.... Trust is a difficult one for me. There are few people I really trust. Trust with me, is earned.

It took me a long time to trust my higher power, which is love. Love was something unfamiliar coming from other people. People often said things I did NOT want to hear. I had learned from my nightmare marriage not to trust people who did say the things I wanted to hear all the time. Since people tend to do one or the other, I didn't really trust anyone.

When I was almost four years old, I lost my mom to a car accident. It took me a long time to recover from that. There was not a lot of love for me from my stepdad. He often disciplined me with corporal punishment (with my pants down) My stepdad and his wife had little patience with me, and I was often disciplined for simply crying. I did not understand why God had "taken away" my mother. I learned too, that I couldn't trust other children either. One incident that stands out in my mind is when a bunch of neighborhood kids made a ring around an injured crow and stoned it to death. I guess I couldn't understand why anyone would want something living to die. I felt guilty because I had thrown one stone at first, but I stopped and tried to get the other kids to stop too. I remember feeling bad, too, about eating meat.... But, I did not have much choice about finishing my dinner in that home.

It was probably 30 years after the death of my mother that I began to trust my higher power. I realized that my higher power had consistently, albeit slowly, gotten me out of several abusive situations. My higher power had found good adoptive parents for my two daughters. My higher power had found me places to live. My higher power helped me find safe shelter when I was travelling around hitchiking. My higher power often warned me about people that were untrustworthy -- because I'd often get a feeling about people who weren't so savory, and I was very rarely wrong.

With trusting other people, I find it very helpful to carry a minimum of expectations. If you don't expect too much from other people (who are not predatory I must say) they will rarely let you down. I also find it helpful to not compare my insides to their outsides. I can see common ground better that way. I am, basically, a nice person, and not everyone is nice! I used to deny that little warning feeling I'd get because I thought there had to be a nice, compassionate person inside the monsters I'd met, just waiting to come out. All they needed was a little "encouragement."

I've been through a lot of abuse at the hands of men. I find it much easier to trust other women then men. I know that even with all the cattiness and jealousy and other things that women do when they are being "evil" they simply cannot hurt me as much as abusive men can. I'm not saying that women can't do damage; they simply can't do as much destruction as men can. And, men can be masters of head games, cattiness, jealousy, etc. too.

I know that my mistrust of men goes a little too far at times. Other times I am too trusting of strange men. Its easy for a man to lose my trust. They say "curiousity killed the cat" and my curiousity often gets me in trouble with predatory types....

Trusting yourself is very important. It may take time, when you have done things that you really regret in addiction to learn to trust yourself. It's okay to lean on that higher power until you can trust yourself to say "no" to drugs and alcohol. It's very hard to repair one's self esteem when one does not trust oneself!

Today, I trust myself. I trust my sponsor. I trust my Higher Power. I trust several women friends I have made. I don't really have any men in my life right now that I do trust -- but I'm sure it will still take time to undo the damage that was done to me at the hands of men. I know I can walk past the bars. I know I can trust myself to walk away from drugs. I know I can trust myself to say no to cravings (which are rare nowadays). I know that trusting my higher power is also known as faith. Faith is important in recovery. Patience is good to develop with yourself if you are new to recovery. A lack of faith and trust seems to be the hallmark of many a newcomer. If you are new to recovery, give yourself time to develop these things. It takes a little while to see clearly.

Above all, don't beat yourself up for not being immediately healthy!

Acceptance

2008-11-05T17:05:00.000-06:00

Acceptance is not only critical to recovery; it is critical to our peace of mind and to our emotional health!

When I was younger, I found a lot of things about me and others totally unacceptable. It may have something to do with the way I was raised.... Not to place blame on anyone, but it is very hard to accept oneself when one's parents and family find everything unacceptable. Acceptance is not the province of addicts and alcoholics. Most of my family is addicted to something. They found most of what I did totally unacceptable. They did not accept me for what I was at all. My stepmother, for example, had me confused with a slut -- a fat slut. She could not see that I was something of a nerd -- a bookworm. She was constantly telling me to do something constructive when I was spending time writing or reading. By constructive she meant raking the lawn usually (for free).

It took me years to accept myself for what I was. I was learning self acceptance before I became addicted. Some things about myself were unacceptable to me, and I think that contributed to my addiction. I have a serious mental illness, and that was unacceptable -- not only to me, but to my family as well. What made it really tough to deal with was that around the time my mental illness became full blown, I had just had a baby. There was a lot of "unacceptable" stuff going on at the time. The father was a convicted date rapist who had also sexually abused me. The case worker (who was assigned to me after I left town with the baby -- hitchhiking no less -- to get away from three stalkers, including the father) was very prejudiced against the mentally ill. Every time she'd turn in reports to the court, she would write 9-10 paragraphs against me, and one lonely paragraph against the father. My parents refused to accept the fact they were grandparents.... None of my family stepped forward to adopt her.....

I just could not accept my mental illness, and I could not accept that I had become addicted to marijuana within the two years prior to her birth. I thought all of the hallucinations, delusions and paranoia could be blamed on the drug use -- which, of course, I could "quit anytime." I did know in the back of my mind, that marijuana does not cause constant hallucinating, but it was not acceptable to me. If I had accepted these things about myself, maybe I would have been allowed to raise her. I guess one thing that made no sense to me was CPS demanding that I go to treatment for marijuana addiction, but not the father who was, and probably still is, a crack addict. He got unsupervised visits with her before I did. This, too, was totally unacceptable to me.... It was a deciding factor in me giving her up to the foster family for adoption....

"Acceptance leads to recovery." Basic Text, chapter 3, page 16.

The first step is all about acceptance. We have to accept both that we have a problem that we are powerless over, and that our lives are unmanageable. Step two is about acceptance too. It is about accepting that we are not gods, that there is a power higher then ourselves that will help us.

We have to accept that there is something wrong before we can change it.

Self acceptance is crucial. It makes it possible to find peace with ourselves. We have to accept our defects. We have to accept our assets. We learn to accept ourselves when we take an honest look at who we really are. What is unacceptable we can change. This includes feelings. We can change the way we feel if we really want to -- sometimes this takes a change of perception. To change the way we feel requires accepting the way we do feel now. We need to accept our full range of feelings. We often find self acceptance when we share our inventories with someone else in step five. It often begins when someone accepts us for what we are. God/dess or our higher power is very accepting of us, and it is a higher place when we learn to accept ourselves the way that God/dess does. We find true humility when we accept both our liabilities and assets. Acceptance, of course, does not include beating ourselves up!

"Freedom to change seems to come after acceptance of ourselves," Basic Text, Chapter 5, page 56

Self acceptance leads to being more accepting of others, warts and all. It becomes much harder to judge another person negatively for traits we ourselves possess. If we accept that those traits are a part of us too.

Of course, some behaviors in others are unacceptable -- things like emotional, physical and sexual abuse. We don't have to accept others using drugs around us. We can walk away from those situations. Accepting others, too, does not mean that we shouldn't put up boundaries. We can accept things about others and still accept ourselves. To do this we need our boundaries.

It can take years to learn to accept ourselves and thus, others. We must also accept that the path to wellness takes time.

In today's Keep It Simple entry, they use this quote from the Grapevine in the introduction, "Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 percent sobriety"

Newcomers

2008-10-13T20:53:00.000-05:00

"The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away."

Basic Text, Chapter 2, p. 9

There is a reason for this.... The newcomer is in danger of giving up. They are in danger of going back out, and using. The first few days to weeks of giving up their drug of choice can be really rough. They say, "don't give up before the miracle happens." It will probably get worse before it gets better. A lot of drugs, including alcohol, cause physical withdrawal symptoms. Sometimes they are deadly. Sometimes a newcomer needs to go to detox and/or treatment. But, soon, it will start getting better and better if a person sticks with the program.

Since I've been raising my hand at meetings when they ask if anyone wants to be a sponsor, I've met several newcomers. I still don't really have much experience sponsoring anyone. My sponsees seem to keep going back out. Those I've tried to give the program to, don't seem to want it. I have a couple of books on sponsorship. I have my own sponsor who teaches me by example. I'm still figuring out how I want to lay down boundaries with sponsees. Most of my potential sponsees meet with me once or not at all, and I don't get the chance to lay down boundaries with them. A lot of them have gone back out. Some of them weren't even clean and sober when they asked me. I refuse to chase those people around. Who knows what kind of nightmare I could walk into....

My philosophy is not to get too attached to newcomers. Perhaps it is an issue of self preservation. I don't want to lose anyone I am close to to a drug overdose. I don't want to get in fights -- especially petty ones. I'm not into "female competition" for the attention of some stupid guy. Most women who are actively using are very competitive for men, and some of them aren't so nice about it. I'm very happily divorced and single. I don't miss the sex thing at all. I don't like it when people compete with me even when I am not competing with them for the sex thing. Also, if I am around people who are actively using they tempt me unnecessarily to use, myself. I don't like being lied to. I don't like being BSed. The drug world is not one I would, nowadays willingly go back to.

Many people in recovery say they would much rather give resentments then get them. I've even heard people in recovery say that if you haven't given newcomers resentments, you aren't doing your job right. Well to some extent I understand where these philosophies come from. I'm not always sure where the line is, and I don't like to start arguments, but if I can save a life, I will do it. Sometimes it isn't always clear how to go about doing that, and we are powerless over others. People tend to hear what they want to hear, unless they are listening. Actively using addicts are notoriously bad listeners.... I know that popularity isn't anywhere near as important to me now that I am nearly 40, as it was when I was nearly 18! I am not, (never really have been) a yes person or an arse kisser, but I still don't like stepping on toes.

I was a newcomer to this program late in my recovery. I had three years of forced sobriety before I ever attended my first meeting. I did voluntarily go to treatment where I was locked up at after those three years of white knuckling it. It's hard for me to picture staying clean and sober of someone's own free will. It took me so long to want it. I admire those newcomers who seem to want what I have.

Its very hard for me to communicate the peace and serenity I feel most of the time. I guess what makes me feel peaceful would stress most people out. I communicate freely about ugly issues. It keeps me from bottling them up inside. It keeps me free from stress for the most part. I communicate the positive and the negative. I call it like I see it. I know I never saw much very clearly when I was using.... At least I know that now. Before I became addicted and after I got into recovery I could see what was going on pretty well. Drugs distort everything; they blind us, Drugs lie. Drugs don't help us to see when someone else IS to blame for our problems.... It becomes all about us when we are using. We become victims, but it also becomes all our own fault when we are in addiction.

I got to tell you, if you are a newcomer, keep coming back. All it takes is a desire to stop using (or drinking) to qualify. You don't have to say anything or admit anything right away. As a matter of fact it is recommended that you "sit down, shut up and listen" for awhile. You don't need to figure it out. Nobody expects you to do anything but everyone hopes and prays you will stay clean and sober. It's too much to expect you to stay clean and sober, apparently. Keep coming back, newcomers. Life can be very good without the substances.

The NA Way

2008-10-09T20:47:00.000-05:00

The way of Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual way. Working the steps is a big part of NA. The steps will bring us closer to the Spirit if we do them right. God/dess does not want us to be a slave to anyone or anything. The NA way should set us free, if we put any effort into it at all.

I white-knuckled it for the first 3 1/2 years I was in recovery. Of course, I was in jail for 1 1/2 years of that time where they did not have meetings for us, and while I was in the institution, I did not attend the meetings they had there. I was so unsure that I was actually addicted to marijuana -- after all -- it isn't supposed to be addictive. (But, then again, neither is alcohol, and some folks get addicted to alcohol anyway.)

I had attempted a few of the steps, like step 3 and step 11. Step 12 happened to me anyway while I was still in jail. Some of the jail's religious people were giving out bookmarks and I received one that said "God is love." Things began to make sense to me after that. I really do believe that love makes the world go round.

I finally went to the treatment unit during my last year in the institution. I did go to the meetings they had there. I did a lot of listening and very little talking. I read through most of the Big Book and the Basic Text. We didn't really have a lot of the meditation books that are available. We didn't have any of the literature that is read at the beginning of normal meetings. The meetings rarely lasted more then 15-20 minutes. I didn't trust a lot of the men there. There were a few perverts in the treatment unit, and I didn't feel like giving them any ammunition or information they might perceive as weakness. I DID listen however. I even got in trouble a few times and they refused to give me more privileges because I was so quiet. In our AODA class, they mostly talked about the hard drugs -- which I had nothing good to say about and very little experience with. They also talked about withdrawal, which I did not have physical withdrawal symptoms.

Lo and behold, though, while I was in the treatment unit, my cravings stopped. I stopped having using dreams for the most part. I guess they thought I was going to fail.... I did, too. I thought I might, as soon as I got out of the intstitution, go and have a drink or two. I figured what could the harm in that be. I never had much tolerance for alcohol, and I know what social drinking is. I had never had a problem limiting myself to two drinks. I did however have serious problems controlling my marijuana use. I never could make the stuff last, and it did not make me hurl like alcohol does. That's probably the reason I don't really miss drinking all that much -- it usually made me feel crappy unless I stopped at two drinks. Needless to say, I did not go drinking after I got out. Several people had warned us that drinking could lead back to our drug of choice, and I must've listened to them.

The NA way is a way of life. We feel much better when we own up to our mistakes and then can leave them behind us. We can feel useful when we help others. We can get out of ourselves (escape) for awhile when we help others. I, personally, was able to go back to being able to read and enjoy books. It was awfully hard to read while stoned.... We get back our freedom to choose. We get back more money we can spend on stuff like food, clothes, even luxuries.

Drug addiction leads to jails, institutions, dereliction and death. This is not freedom. Addiction is definitely a form of slavery. We have to make so many concessions and sometimes moral compromises when we use. It doesn't help us feel good about ourselves either. Oh sure, using can make us feel elated for a little while, but there is no substitute for feeling good ABOUT ourselves. I know I made a few compromises while using. I drove while I was stoned. I smoked weed in front of young children. It surely seemed that I couldn't help myself. When I'd come down I'd feel like crap about doing these things, and I knew that telling people about them would mean that I'd end up in jail... so I kept those feelings locked up inside.

For a long time, I thought that NA and AA WERE a form of slavery. I believed that they were some kind of cult. I thought that marijuana was the way out of my misery. You see, with my clinical depression, I did not think that they would allow me to use anything to help my depression and it's accompanying, constant, suicidal thoughts and urges. I did not want to be told how to believe in God, either.

I realized though, a few years after I was locked up that I needed some kind of support. That's why I asked to be transferred to the treatment unit. There I found people who had feelings similar to mine. Although I tried to make friends with people there, it seemed I was the only one making contact with a lot of the women I met there. Most of them were new to recovery, and many of them relapsed I'm sure. People who stay in recovery tend to be a minority. Some of the people I met in the institution died while I was in recovery. I realized then that the antidepressants were really helping me.... I haven't experienced any black depressions since I've been taking them, even after I've lost people. I still miss those friends I had that died, but it simply did not floor me like it was when I was depressed.

Some people in recovery are anti-medications. I'm not one of them. Some of us need them. I know that I would not be able to string together two coherent sentences without them. I know I would've committed suicide without them. The NA way is not about abstaining from necessary medications prescribed by a doctor, no matter what anyone says. It is, however, about freedom from slavery, which is what God and spirituality are all about.

God's Will

2008-09-29T20:05:00.000-05:00

As a child I was very confused about what God or Goddess wanted from me or for me, for that matter. My abusive parents used to drop me off at Bible Study, where I was treated like some kind of demon spawn because I had questions about the things in Sunday School that didn't seem to make sense.... I used to argue with the woman who taught the class, and she would get very upset at my questions and my pointing out flaws in the logic. Things that stood out to me were the lectures on Hell (they gave me nightmares where I would see walls of fire.) I didn't believe in Hell for a very long time because they told me liars went there, and I knew my mother (who died when I was three) must've lied to her parents before. I knew she was not in Hell. I also didn't understand why God would turn a woman into a pillar of salt for simple disobedience. I certainly didn't believe in Lot's innocence when his daughters "seduced" him, because I had been raped as a child.... I remember not understanding all the fear that I was learning from the church. I remember not believing the story of Noah at all. I didn't understand all the double standards for women, especially because I was a tomboy. I did not believe I was "inherently evil" I also remember getting disgusted with the church when I saw how much fun it was throwing a dreidl, and not understanding their lack of love for other religions, especially Judaism...

There were just too many white people in that church too. I noticed it. I knew my adopted mom's people had to have another religion. She is Native American. I also wondered about this "Mother Nature" character. If there was no feminine divine person, why did so many people call Her Mother Nature?

I've come to believe that I can't take the Bible at face value. Even some things that Jesus said seemed to contradict things in the Old Testament. I had questions that went unanswered for a long time, because Jesus was kind to children, and my stepfather was not. I don't recall Jesus hitting one child. Solomon preached violence towards children, but Jesus didn't practice that at all. I used to believe from time to time that I deserved the ill treatment I got. I used to believe it actually did "hurt him more then me," from time to time. I used to argue with him. He'd tell me it was all my own fault.... For a long time I believed that men just couldn't help it. After all, I had really ticked him off so much that he couldn't help himself.... And I think I believed the story of Adam and Eve for about five minutes.... After all, snakes didn't talk to me!

I was soooooooo angry with God, because I just couldn't believe most of the Bible the way it's written! I was angry at God because He took my mother away from me, and the only kindness I got growing up was from teachers, and sometimes my adopted mom. I was a very angry child and of course, that was totally unacceptable to my family. I was a very sad child too. I didn't snap out of it until I was treated with antidepressants at the age of 33. I was a very frightened child.

For a very long time I believed that God and the Devil were the same person/entity. I've believed for a long time that it was God in charge of Hell (when I believed in Hell during my lifetime). I didn't see why God would put, basically, a criminal in charge of people's souls. I thought maybe that God was getting us back through diseases and such for the way we treat animals. I think people forget that animals are God's creatures too, and God helps them find food, too!

I've come to believe since then that God and Goddess' will for us is to love and be loved. If our deepest longings and images of the kind of people we would like to be are what God wants us to be, then God must want what's best for us. I've come to the conclusion that God is kind. God and Goddess want us to get closer to Them of our own free will because They love us. God and Goddess are just too. God and Goddess have to do justice to people who've been wronged. I think part of God's justice is having us live with being separated from loved ones (when they die, etc.) because when we live here, we often separate ourselves from Them. Also, They take people to live in a better place when those people just cannot take anymore. God and Goddess do want us to understand Them to the best of our ability. The more love we have and feel the closer we are to Love, which is what the Spirit is, to me!

I think God and Goddess led me down many widely diverse religious paths so that I could see the truth that Love is everywhere. Love is in all religions. Love is in most people. God's will, in my humble opinion, is the will to love. It is our will to show love to other people in spite of how we may feel at the moment. God and Goddess want us to love them, unconditionally.

I don't believe that God did turn Lot's wife into a pillar of salt. I firmly do not believe that all the double standards for men and women come from God. And I don't believe that only men can attain spiritual heights. But it seems that only spiritual men get respected for their minds and hearts. Men do not have to go through labor and I guarantee it's impossible to maintain serenity while in labor! Extreme pain, emotional, mental and/or physical, is a challenge to anyone's peace of mind. Most of the men who've attained greatness as spiritual people simply did not have to go through large amounts of pain. It's impossible to feel peaceful, and next to impossible to maintain good will towards others all the time when one is undergoing torment or agony! But after the pain passes (it will) we can reconnect, if we felt disconnected.... We must learn how to cope with pain without using drugs and such. They don't help even people who aren't addicted to them....

Unfortunately, addicts who started drugging and/or drinking at a young age will find this difficult. Those addicts have to cope with pain at the level at which children do, because as we deal with pain growing up, we develop a higher and higher threshhold. If we don't deal with it growing up or as adults, it will hurt more..... Drugs and alcohol kill pain. That is what they do..... Pain becomes kind of raw after we quit. Pain (most of the time) means that something is wrong. When people say pain is your friend, it means that it is warning that something is wrong.... Faith can help with pain, even physical pain. Pain doesn't come from God, but it is God's will that we learn to cope with it as it is a messenger. (And that's another thing, I simply don't believe the story that God hurts women giving birth as punishment!)

I hear the pain stops when we die. I don't know if that's true or not, but surely we must still miss people even on the other side. I guess learning to cope with it is part of the Plan. Love is like a rose, I've heard it said, and roses have thorns.

Positive Thinking

2008-09-27T19:55:00.000-05:00

Positive thinking seems to be today's theme. I have five recovery meditation books and three of them talked about postitive thinking for today....

I used to be such a pessimist when I was younger. I was also depressed. The two things fed on each other. Nothing was going right, even when it was.... I didn't start using drugs regularly until I was 25. I think my attitude had a lot to do with my decision to just give in to drugs, as well as the depression.

Gratitude doesn't fix clinical depression. I tried that for awhile. It wasn't making me feel any better. I gave up on it. I gave up on life, I guess. I had had many bad experiences with men, and forgot that many of the men I had as teachers had been decent. I had a very negative opinion of men, in general.

Gratitude can fix a negative attitude. It can fix negative thinking. If we look around to find the good things, we will surely find some.... Part of having a positive attitude and/or outlook is seeing the good in any situation.

I've noticed that a lot of people are very negative about themselves too. A lot of people seem to think very badly of themselves. I notice it when people are beating themselves up, because I used to do it all the time. A good inventory includes our assets, too. We all have assets. We have to notice these things about ourself. I think having a positive way of looking at ourself is half the battle, really. Affirmations can help. Some people write down their affirmations and stick them on the mirror. I firmly believe that smiling at oneself in the mirror is a good tool for learning to think more positively about ourselves. It is unlikely that God/dess thinks as little of you as you do!

God/dess does not expect perfection from us....

To think positively requires something of a thick skin. If you take criticism to heart, or take things personally a lot (like I used to) you will have a hard time thinking positively about yourself or anything you are attempting to do. Better to wonder what the critics agenda is then to take it to heart. Thinking positively can help us develop a thicker skin, and a thick skin can help us be more positive.

The desire to escape, too, isn't all bad. It isn't good to take those little mental vacations that drugs and alcohol provide, but a literal escape from our problems can be very helpful. We can often gain perspective on our problems from a distance. It helps to be able to see the "forest for the trees." Go do something fun. Take a break from stressful situations. You might just come back with a new solution. Do something new; it can help you reconnect with the Spirit. I'm not suggesting running from problems, here, just taking a vacation, (although running from domestic violence is sometimes the sanest thing to do.)

Looking back (they say hindsight is 20/20) I didn't do too badly in spite of having such a bad attitude. I don't live with my parents. I healed from all the abuse mostly -- although there is still some healing left to do. Negativity won't kill you right away. But it does increase stress, which can make us fat, sick and unpopular. It can keep us from jobs. It usually leads to using....

A lot of people believe that you attract to you what you think about. I happen to believe there are some exceptions to that. I believe there IS some randomness to life. There is, however, some truth to that. If we believe we deserve good things, and that good things will and have happened to us, we will find out that that's the truth, mostly. I'm not suggesting that one take on the blind kind of Pollyanna attitude, but we do tend to attract to us what we believe we deserve. (I don't believe in "Peter Pan advice.) I believe the reason for that is that God/dess sees what our hearts desire is and gives that to us. It isn't as mysterious as it seems, and it wouldn't happen without a God or Goddess. Some people seem to believe that they have all this "power of attraction" and there is nothing answering their secret unspoken prayers. We simply aren't that powerful, thoughts are merely thoughts....

Oh, and one last thing, don't beat yourself up for having negative thoughts sometimes. Everyone has them. It only creates more negativity.

Please, don't feed the monsters....

Past Mistakes

2008-09-24T20:13:00.001-05:00

I am a work in progress.... I don't spend a lot of time beating myself up for the mistakes I've made. Wisdom takes time.... Wisdom takes a lot of time. Decades, in fact....

My path has been one of seeking enlightenment. I've tried many things on that path. Some of them worked, some of them didn't. When I was a kid, I felt wise beyond my years. But I still ended up making a lot of the same mistakes my peers made. I felt like I had to grow up too fast. I felt like I had to leave the things of childhood behind too early. My parents weren't the type of dependents who would let a child run their lives, but they were dependent on me to validate their feelings for them a lot.

I used to think I could teach others about spirituality when I was about 10 years younger then I am now. But I really didn't understand what I was trying to teach. I never declared myself to be anyone's teacher on spirituality. I knew, on some level, I was way too young and naive. But I made many errors and took the long way around quite often. I did try to teach a friend of mine magic. You know, the kind of magic that witches typically do. Maybe it was a little Hollywood style.... I've since discovered that one doesn't need to do magical rituals to get Spiritual help. But I learned from that mistake. Sometimes rituals can focus and clear the mind, so we know exactly what we are asking for.

I've done things out of selfish want too. Most of those things were mistakes. I ended up regretting them. I ended up with negative feelings about those situations, and also smidgens of guilt.

I've done hurtful things to others. I usually am not the type who hurts others. I am usually in some sort of dire situation before I lash out. Unfortunately, when I did lash out it was usually at the most convenient person. I often tried to correct my mistake though by confronting the person responsible.

I have learned that God/dess or Spirit is very forgiving of our mistakes. Even the hurtful ones. If God can forgive me, I can forgive me. That is a spiritual REALITY. Forgiveness. But, before we can accept forgiveness we must first acknowledge that we've done something hurtful. And that acknowledgment can hurt us too.

I used to feel so alone on my spiritual path. Then I realized that God/dess or Spirit is everywhere. That I had learned from my mistakes that which my teachers -- Jesus, Buddha, Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr. -- already knew.

I've also learned that it isn't a mistake to fight back when one is in danger of sexual violence. I was so caught up in pacifism -- I wouldn't fight back. I ended up rationalizing the other person's behavior. I ended up taking my inevitable rage and hate for these crimes out on myself. Sometimes it's better for our safety and sanity to fight back, and not feel guilty about doing so -- no matter what we had to do to fight back and possibly "win." There is an exception to every rule and sexual violence is the exception to living a pacifist lifestyle. I learned from those mistakes too, eventually. One definition of insanity is not learning from our mistakes. And I was so depressed I couldn't see what I was supposed to be learning from these creeps.

I think it is important to learn from others mistakes too. Progress, not perfection here.... I've always tried to learn from other people's mistakes. Sometimes I did. Some mistakes are subtle, though, and we often can miss that the other person has made a mistake. It was like that for me with using marijuana. I did not learn from my biological father's mistake of using the stuff. I'm not surprised (it was all as clear as mud as far as he's concerned.)

I'm so happy that I've found my serenity. I can make peace with myself and my past mistakes. I didn't expect my search for enlightenment to lead to such a wonderful sense of well-being that is consistently there for me. I no longer believe that the mistakes are half as important as my successes.

Peace, love and happy endings!

Prayer

2008-09-22T20:10:00.001-05:00

Prayer works.

It does not matter what religion you are, or even if you don't belong to any particular religion.... It works.

There are some studies that show that people who pray tend to be happier and healthier then those who don't. It is essential to sobriety.

Of course, on some things like terminal illnesses, prayer doesn't seem to work all that well most of the time. That's why it is important to believe there is life after death, I believe. Some people who are ill just want to "move on," after all. Most of us are seeking a better life then what we have here. Oh, truly, prayer can bring about miracles. But, I honestly believe that God and Goddess answer the prayers that are in our hearts. If someone really wants a better life then what they have here, God and Goddess will take them away to a better place. Our "work" here often isn't as important as we think it is.... It doesn't need to be "finished" a lot of the time -- or at least not as badly as we tend to think it does....

I know the religious context is not as important as the act of praying. I used to pray to the Universe. I've prayed to the Goddess. I've prayed to Great Spirit. I've prayed to God. I've prayed to Jesus. I've had most of my prayers answered. I've even done "magic" to get what I wanted -- which is just another way of requesting our heart's desire. I've gotten what I needed most of my life. And when I didn't get the basic necessities of life, it was because I was irrationally rejecting them.

Of course the resources have to be available for whatever we are asking for. If there isn't food available -- we aren't going to get fed unless we are very faithful and really willing to believe in miracles.... Even then, our idea of a miracle might well be terrifying to someone else... God doesn't want to terrify people. But if the resources are there -- we will get what we need.

Some people (predatory types, mostly) will go directly against God to terrorize others too. It is hard for God/dess to remove those people from our lives at times, because they defy God's will. Sometimes they are even secretly Satanic... It isn't God's will to take away our free will -- and with predatory types this has a down side, unfortunately.

I got a car once because I prayed for one. (The prayer, at the time, was to "the Universe.") It was reasonably priced and mostly reliable.... I did end up selling it. I got tired of myself with a car. I did, and it was too expensive. I stopped walking places when I had that car. I took the easy way out. I wanted the instant gratification....

I don't get down on my knees when I pray. I don't use "canned" prayers very much. I don't like the residual feelings of shame that come along with getting down on my knees. I was abused when I'd get on my knees as a small girl, and I don't like the way I feel. It draws an uncomfortable parallel between God and my stepfather -- and I don't think my stepfather wants anything to do with God. I talk to God, Goddess and Jesus conversationally quite often... I pray a lot for world peace. For good leaders who don't believe in warmongering. Perhaps I am asking for a lot, but so be it.

I went on a Spiritual journey once. I really wanted to get closer to the Great Spirit. I did not do the traditional thing of going off into the woods and/or the mountains and being alone. I had heard of people travelling about surviving on the kindness of others alone. I figured that was a good way to travel, learn about faith, and get closer to the Spirit. It felt like the right thing to do at the right time. I prayed that, the entire time I was out on my journey, that I would find safe shelter every night. I was gone a month. I did not have a sleeping bag -- just a few clothes. I did find safe shelter every single night of my journey. It really strengthened my faith, in Great Spirit and humanity.

Shortly after that journey, I found out about the relocation of the Navajo for a coal mine. With writing being my "mode," I set out to write an article about the relocation. I prayed for them all the time. I prayed a lot that the coal mine get shut down. I did rituals to protect them. I left my young daughter behind with the foster family to go down to their reservation and write the article. After I wrote the article, I wrote a synopsis of it and sent it to every powerful entity I could think of. I found out the coal mine was operating illegally. It had been shut down by a judge who also was a minority. The court order was being ignored. I gave some speeches about it. I followed my "intuition." I prayed all the time. Miraculously a couple of years after I wrote my article the mine was shut down and the relocation stopped.

Thank you God and Goddess!

I don't thank the Spirit enough. I don't thank God and Goddess enough. I don't thank Jesus enough.... But I do pray all the time. I talk to God/dess all the time. And most of my prayers are answered -- even the big ones. I just need my faith.... It will all work out!

Courage

2008-09-15T16:15:00.000-05:00

Courage is not the lack of fear -- rather it is the willingness to do the "next right thing" in spite of being afraid.

In today's entry in Keep It Simple (from Hazelden) the quote reads, "Often the test of courage is not to die, but to live," Vittorio Alfieri. One of the most courageous things an addict or alcoholic can do is to get into recovery and stick with it. The steps each take doses of courage. It takes a lot of courage to walk into a meeting. It takes courage to keep coming back. It takes courage to walk back into recovery if one has relapsed. It also takes courage to do service work. Sponsors take risks with each new sponsee. Who knows what a sponsee is capable of when drunk or high if they choose to go back out.... It definitely takes courage to talk to someone who has not yet gone into recovery.

It isn't too much of a stretch, really to choose the path of courage if one is alcoholic or addicted. After all, we weren't deterred from using by the idea of probable or certain death, why should we be deterred from doing the next right thing? It's probably less dangerous, anyway.... Me, personally, I enjoy the adrenaline rush of facing up to my fears, and doing what's right. I consider myself to be a very courageous person. If I can't do the right thing through direct action, I'll take indirect action. I've rarely seen totally hopeless situations and/or conflicts arise. Courage makes me feel powerful, and I, like most other people, to some extent enjoy power. I have courage because I channel my darker "desires" into healthy outlets. I am not afraid of my dark side at all, and it has it's uses.

To love takes courage too. To love most people (warts and all) takes a lot of courage. There is a lot of pressure on us to love only one person. There is a lot of discouragement towards acting out of love. Many people seem to think that showing love to their kids, and especially other people's kids is somehow "spoiling" them, making them "weak," or it's "inappropriate." To be a loving person can leave one feeling like some kind of pariah (which passes, of course). There are a lot of people that equate loving behavior with weakness.... Then again, it takes courage to stand up to peer pressure. It especially takes courage to go against the family, if they don't seem to care much for others.

I don't think courageous people hit their kids. I know courageous people don't rape or beat women and children or commit hate crimes. (That makes predatory types cowards, because they pick on the weak and pander to or flee from those they perceive as "strong")

I learned about courage when I stood up to bullies in school. I didn't like those boys lifting up my skirts in elementary school and I really let them know about it. I've often been afraid when I've stood up for myself. But, I just had to do it! As I grew older I grew to enjoy that feeling of "danger." I've rarely been beat up or had my life threatened as a result of speaking my mind. I've been sexually assaulted a lot, but standing up for myself repeatedly to those people caused them all to eventually leave me be. I've stood up to people that I thought might be child molesters too, when they were holding children in questionable ways in public. I have reported people for possible sexual abuse to CPS too. I can't count the number of times where I was the only person who stood up in a public place where someone was smacking their child and told them "Don't hit your kids!" There is safety in public places, and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself and others in them.

There is a fine line between foolishness and courage though and I have crossed it at times. But, I know it's okay because God/dess still loves me, and I am okay today anyway. I might've ticked off some family members but that's alright too, I couldn't live up to their materialistic standards anyway.

I think one of the most courageous things we can do is to live a life of non-violence. Self defense is not violence in my book. Sometimes self defense is necessary in cases of sexual assault. I honestly believe that "turn the other cheek," means I only have to do it once. I put up with a lot of sexual assault from "ex-boyfriends" because I took the nonviolent stance too far, and was a little too forgiving of that kind of crap. My honesty with those people carried me out of those sick relationships, though, safely, and being honest is also courageous. I like the Wiccan rede "Do what thou wilt, so long as you harm none (on purpose)" I live by it, and I believe it is courageous to do so. If we try to live courageously, we may cross that line of foolishness, but we will end up back on track and probably none the worse for wear.

Courage is something I definitely know about. I believe that I am a very courageous person. I think more people should try it!

Something Different....

2008-09-13T20:45:00.000-05:00

"We had to have something different, and we thought we had found it in drugs."

Basic Text, Chapter 3, p 13

Yes, I remember that need to find "something different" well. After 20+ years of seeking some solution to my persistent, clinical depression, I finally gave in to using marijuana. I didn't want to go the established route of seeing a psychiatrist or a doctor about it. I didn't want any manufactured drugs at all. I didn't tell anyone but friends about my depression. Since they all tended to be actively using addicts, they were more then understanding about my not wanting to see a professional about it. I did not confess to my constant suicidal thoughts, though. There were two main reasons for this -- first I didn't want them to "overreact" and take steps to prevent me, and the other reason was I saw it as a weakness. I refused to accept that I needed help with it.

My family did not help. It was obvious my stepmonster saw my constant crying as some sort of weakness when I was a teenager. They never sought help for problems from professionals. She insulted me when I'd cry and never (except once when a cat died) shed tears of her own. My biological father never cried that I saw. I requested to see a therapist which they agreed to (in word) but never allowed to happen. I believe they were afraid that their drug use and physical and emotional abuse of me would be discovered. My stepmonster was perfectly okay with her losing her temper all the time, but not anyone else. It was something of an emotionally sterile environment I grew up in.... Before my biological father so "generously" took me off my stepfather's hands, I was also the child of an interracial couple. That, too, made me feel different -- but I learned at a young age to appreciate that particular difference. I began to think of ways to influence the people around me to be more accepting of people of other races and cultures.

It says in today's entry in Just For Today, "Many of us have always felt different from other people." I remember that feeling well, too. Nowadays I don't feel so different, but that is because of recovery. I felt different because I lost my mother at such a young age. I felt different because I had such close experience with death. I felt different because I had been adopted twice -- the second adoption by my own biological father when I was ten years old. I felt different because I was a very sensitive kid. I felt different because my parents weren't the sensitive or warm/fuzzy type. I felt different because they would not come to any of my sporting events as a child. I felt different because I felt I had no support.

That isn't necessarily a bad thing -- being different. After all, we all have different experiences. It gives me something to talk about. I have chosen a different kind of spirituality/religion. I don't really mind so much standing out in a crowd (not that I do all the time or anything). Being different and being noticed at the same time gives me the perfect opening to talk about people's civil rights.

The marijuana gave me an instant "circle of friends." Ones I could beg from when I ran out. Ones I could get to come over when I "had some" to share. But, eventually I got too paranoid to share much, and my instant "friends" stopped coming around. I ended up very lonely. One friend who seems to honestly believe that the prescription painkillers she's hooked on were better then my drugs, stopped coming around too when I started smoking all the time. I numbed that loss for many years. But I still dreamt about her... especially after I was forced to quit.

I'm not so different now.... I have friends who had higher and lower bottoms then me, but they ended up in some serious crisis, physically, mentally, emotionally and especially spiritually. They quit the drugs too. I can relate to them. I have finally found some people who are serious about growing spiritually and I found them in recovery. Although, going to Alanon or something similar before I found marijuana, probably would've yielded similar results, I don't really regret it.

At the very end of the entry it says "My Higher Power is the 'something different' that's always been missing in my life. I will use the steps to restore that missing ingredient to my spirit."

Indeed, my higher power is the "different" kind of authority figure I needed. One who cares and helps me find the help I need for my depression. I haven't been haunted by it for many years now, and my higher power insisted I get that help. I know God/dess did. One who can answer my questions, especially the ones about what happened to the loved ones I've had that died. I did not need another punishing Patriarchal type figure in my life, and for many many years I thought God might be that kind of "person." I've since learned differently.

So, though I still feel a little bit different from others, I can find similarities and "common ground" with mostly anyone I meet. Its a balance -- we should love diversity and respect it, as well as look for common ground. After all, we all are human and bleed red (as has been said for some time now.) I no longer dwell on my differences. Thank you God, Goddess and Spirit. That is love to me....

Turning It Over...

2008-09-09T21:39:00.000-05:00

I have to confess I am not the greatest at turning stuff over to God/dess. It's always a big deal when I do. I always turn people who seem dangerous to me over to God/dess, but I don't do it with the smaller stuff.

The serenity prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." helps me a lot in knowing what I can and cannot change in my life. I know I cannot change other people. That doesn't prevent me from suggesting that they change, but I see no reason to nag anyone or pressure anyone into changing. That isn't quite the same thing as turning the situations over to God/dess though.

There are several situations in my life that could really use some "divine intervention..." I am concerned about several addicts and alcoholics that used to be in my life regularly. Most of the women who are actively using are also involved with bad men. I DO pray for them, but I haven't actually turned them over to God/dess.

Maybe this is because I don't really trust that my God/dess can do anything. It seems as if these women are standing in God and Goddess' way. I feel as if I LET God and Goddess help me, but I really had to be stopped from doing any more destruction first....

I haven't really had too many problems turning MY will and MY life over to the care of God and Goddess. Perhaps the trust I have established with my higher power can be taken to a higher place. I don't have a lot of stress in my life right now, and I know that can be attributed to my higher power at work in my life. Don't get me wrong, I do have problems, but I don't really stress over them. I just take steps to correct any problems that come up. I can only do what I can do.

I'm not sure HOW I should go about turning these situations over. I think tonight I will try to make up a little prayer for turning people and situations over to my higher power. It shouldn't be too much of a stretch of faith for me, really. God/dess seems to have taken care of my two children who I gave up for adoption. The situations they were born into were impossible, really.... and I was with bad men when they were born. I do remember asking for God's help with my children, and I got it.

My adopted mother is an alcoholic, I'm pretty sure. She's with a violent creep who married her after my biological mother passed away. I will pray for her, and turn it over to God and Goddess. I should know by now there is nothing I can do about it. My stepmother is with a pervert and is a drug addict. I think she has OCD. I will pray for her too and turn it over. She doesn't respect me enough to take advice from me. There's nothing I can do about that either.

There are several other people I know that need SOMETHING along the lines of divine intervention, and I am hanging on for dear life -- at least I am in my heart and mind. I really need to let it go and let God. I just don't want to give up on my loved ones. It's hard to let go of family, too. I just want it to get better, and me worrying about other people's safety isn't really doing ME any good.

Yes, tonight is a good night to turn it all over to my God and Goddess and see what happens.....

No Regrets

2008-09-03T20:41:00.000-05:00

A long time ago, when I was about 17 or so, I decided I'd try to live a life without regrets. I'd have to say that I'm pretty successful at it. I try not to do anything I'd regret. Oh sure, I've done the wrong thing before out of ignorance, but I treat everything as a learning experience. I don't quite have no regrets, but I have very few.

In the Alcoholics Anonymous promises it says "We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

It seems to me that I had to figure out mostly everything on my own. I did not get advice from parental units.... They gave orders not suggestions. They made it clear that children were to be "seen and not heard." If I find myself regretting taking the wrong course of action, I remember that I didn't really have any good role models besides my teachers. And the good Lord knows I didn't want to be a high school or elementary school teacher. I'm not either of those things -- so I don't regret that I didn't become those things! I really didn't know what to do about several of the crises that happened in my life, and it's pointless to regret doing the wrong thing about them -- especially without good counsel from anyone but God/dess who I wasn't really in touch with at the time, any way.

My whole life has been one big learning experience. How could I regret that? God/dess forgave me the wrong choices I made, and I think that forgiveness is the best cure for regret. I'm still alive, too, and not dead -- so none of my choices yet, have killed me.

If I hadn't become addicted I wouldn't have found recovery. If I hadn't become addicted I still would have been wondering if the sexual misconduct of some of the men in my life could have been blamed on addiction. I now know that it can't be. There was no excuse for that behavior. I did not sexually abuse anyone while addicted or high. If I hadn't become addicted I would not have found the people who are clean, that I need in my life now. If I hadn't become addicted, I would have believed the so-called enlightened people that think drugs will help them become more spiritual or enlightened. If I hadn't found recovery I might've tried peyote or something, run out in front of a car and been run over.

I learn from my mistakes -- therefore I don't really regret them. And often things turn out for the best, really.

I think it's a good way to live -- not doing anything (saying anything) that one might regret later. I find that I am fairly lighthearted, and very forgiving because of it. I am happy! I don't have a lot of amends to make to people because of that. Don't get me wrong, there are some I had to, and have to, make -- most of them for retaliation of some kind or another. It is important to make amends for retaliation or revenge.

I find that action, even if it is wrong, in a crisis, can lead to the right people, places, and things. I know that when I was extremely psychotic and drunk and tried to burn down my father's house cause I though God told me to (as well as because of his total lack of concern and sexual abuse), I found that I got treatment for my psychosis, drug addiction, depression, etc. It was good treatment too. I also got a roof over my head and three meals a day. I had been homeless for three years prior to that. My whole family refuses to forgive me and wants nothing to do with me. They even took legal action to prevent me contacting them. At least now, their intolerance is visible to others -- so I'm not sure I really regret what I did. I did feel guilty for quite awhile, but that went away too.

I don't really regret being homeless either -- not that I had the prescence of mind to fix it. I saw a lot of the country and met a lot of neat people.

I usually choose positive action, but I don't always know what is the best direction to go in a crises.... I just know, learning from past mistakes, that there is nothing useful to be gained from the "deer in the headlights" reaction. I try to respond, rather then react. I learned that from past mistakes too.

No point in regretting valuable mistakes (as long as I learn from them!) Also, there's no point in regretting past patterns of behavior that might have been healthy if one is no longer repeating the bad behavior. That just leads to the "what ifs." I think it is important to take a look around our present reality and appreciate what we do have now. And I have a lot! There's no point in beating myself up over the past when I have so much wonderful stuff in my life today!

It's also good to try right action -- a good preventative measure against future regrets. They say that if you have "one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you're pissing all over today." That means one has to be present in the now to avoid regret. I know lots of people who's lives revolve around regret and they are not happy. That is why I decided to live my life without them at 17.

Works for me!

Facing Death

2008-09-01T15:27:00.000-05:00

I've been dealing with the idea of death for much longer then most people my age. My mother died in 1973 (a little over 35 years ago.) She ran into a telephone pole after losing control of her car. Most people get introduced to the idea of death by losing a pet or something.

At first the whole concept that she just wasn't there did not make sense to me. It took me a long time to understand that she just was not coming back, ever. That was what death really began to mean to me -- the person does not ever come back. I became a sensitive kid after that -- not liking the idea of killing anything. I'm sure, if I'd had any say so in what happened to me after that -- I would have become a vegetarian as a kid. I still don't even like killing bugs really, and I don't really like to hurt anyone -- even in self defense. I was not taken to grief counseling or any other kind of counseling and was treated rather brutally by my stepfather. So I learned to deal with it on my own....

I figured other people just didn't understand when I found a wounded crow in the back yard when I was about 6 years old. I threw one stone at it to see if it would fly away.... There were about 5 other neighborhood kids there and they then started throwing stones at it too. They continued to throw stones until the bird died. I told them to stop. Nobody was more surprised then I when the thing died. I will never forget that. It took me a long long time to trust my peers after that.

There are five stages of grieving: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Or as I've renamed them to fit the acronym DADDY (Denial, anger, deal-making, depression, and yielding) One of the reasons I use the acronym is it's easier for me to remember and it reminds me that we have a father figure in Heaven. It seems I always skip the bargaining or deal making stage. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because I really believe, in my heart, that most of us go to a better place when we die and that we become happier people. I want my loved ones to be happy, for sure.

I was told by an ignorant person who used to be a friend, that if you don't dream about those who have gone on that you aren't dealing with the grief. I don't personally dream about those who have died cept once in a blue moon. (even less often, honestly) It is very unhelpful to argue with someone who has lost someone. My stepmonster always used to tell me that there was no way I remembered my mother. She was wrong but she persisted anyway. I know I am not the only person who remembers the age of three. Truly, I don't remember much. But, I do remember my mother and always will. I think she was trying to convince me to forget about her and accept that she was my new mother (as she obviously thought she would become when she adopted me legally and had her name put on my birth certificate.) I also think she was trying to prove to me that I couldn't possibly love someone I "didn't remember." For a long time I really resented her. But I can accept a lot of her ignorance now -- she is an active drug addict.

I really believe that without my faith it would be much harder to cope with death. I don't know about anyone else, but I really need to believe in life after death and I do believe in it. I really believe that when I die I will get to finally see my mother.

My acronym reminds me to reach out to God/dess whenever I lose someone. It's even okay to ask God/dess (repeatedly if necessary) to prove they exist. I insisted and was given proof. Its much easier now for me to cope with the losses of loved ones. I found out after losing an aunt to cancer shortly after I became addicted to marijuana, that the marijuana didn't help me cope with her loss, or accepting there was a God, after all, any easier. Thus began my journey of self disgust at my compulsive using. One which is now over, thank you God and Goddess.

I really believe that good-bye is never forever.

Spiritual Awakening

2008-08-24T18:52:00.000-05:00

To be honest, I have had several spiritual awakenings over the course of my lifetime. I feel, today, that my faith is pretty unshakable because of them.

I really don't believe that God is a perfect being.... Perhaps S/He is more perfect then we are, but God does make mistakes..... There are so many illnesses, genetic and otherwise. Why would a perfect being create so much painful imperfection? That was one of my awakenings, that perhaps God/dess was not perfect after all. Why would someone who was perfect create a devil, or marijuana for that matter? It eases my mind to know that all the illness, and evil in this world are the result of honest mistakes. It makes the fact that God/dess created the world and all the life in it more amazing to me. God/dess CAN heal. That is amazing. I am a firm believer that we only move on when we die, too.

I did the steps initially out of order. I couldn't remember them all and did not have any literature. Certainly, I did not want to walk into a meeting as scared and nutty as I felt. My first step was step three. I turned over my will to God first thing. I was not able to consistently admit that I had an addiction problem, and I didn't have the faith that God/dess could relieve my insanity. But I figured it couldn't hurt to turn my will over to a force for good. Shortly thereafter I lost my home and began to travel around.... I did the fourth step the best way I knew how -- in my head.... But I'd get confused and didn't realize that wasn't the right way to do it at the time. Then I did step 11 -- and began talking to and praying to God -- especially about child molesters. I tried to stop people from molesting children throughout my travels, but as I was very psychotic the whole time -- I ended up making quite the fool out of myself. I still believe that it is part of God's will for me to speak out against such things.

I ended up committing a serious crime that I thought God had told me to do. My recovery really began then. I then spent four and a half years locked up. It was during this time that I did step 2. I began to believe sanity was a possibility and that God had led me to it.

I did not do all the steps and they certainly were not in order before I had my recovery orientated spiritual awakening. It was when I received a book mark from the Christians in jail that read "God is Love" That was when so many things began to really make sense.

I had had spiritual awakenings before. When I was young I saw Jesus' face in the tree branches. It scared the crap out of me. I never was quite able to make peace with the Christian church though. They seemed obsessed with the concept of hell and who was going there. They quoted a lot of Paul's words and said they were God's word.... (I never did believe that and still don't)

I believed in the Goddess after I grew up. I saw Her a lot in my head. She supported me and answered various prayers. I could not, for a long while, stand the idea that God was a man.

While I was insane, I had several experiences. I saw angels when I was on the road and at bus stations -- they were made of light. When I was still in my home in Bellingham, I felt breath on the top of my head. I remember once I was laying on the couch and I felt a fine mist of water on my face and felt Jesus there. It had never occurred to me before that God was love however. My concept of Spirit was of this nebulous undefined kind of entity that maybe was a little out of touch with humanity. I did not believe that God was like a human -- and stopped believing that we were created in God's image some time ago. I went through many stages of belief and disbelief that Jesus existed. Shortly after I lost an aunt to cancer however -- I lost most of my faith and then again saw Jesus' face in the trees and clouds.

Another spiritual awakening for me was when I realized that God was not going to destroy me as I had His "book" I had taken out all the pages of Paul's words and burned them. I had blacked out Peter's words. I edited other parts of the Bible. And here I am, I lived to tell about it. That's when I knew -- as direly afraid as I was after I did that, and equally convinced it was the right thing to do -- that God was a very forgiving individual.

I try to love myself to the best of my ability. That's what God is to me: love. I love most people too. Step 12 tells me that it is okay to love other addicts.... That it is okay to confront them about using drugs or alcohol. That it is okay to lay down the boundaries that I won't put up with using around me. I get closer to Spirit when I love freely. That means loving myself as well (it's very hard to truly love another when we don't love ourselves) I haven't found many opportunities to 12th step others, but I know that the Spirit will lead me to that. To me loving is a way of life. It is bigger then recovery and larger then life. There are many ways to serve other people, and it will make one feel better. After all, wasn't feeling better what we were after all along.

I guess part of my message is that we have no hard/fast laws in recovery including doing the steps in order. I did eventually do the steps in order, and they were relatively easy for me after I had found God. If we reach out to God to find the solution to our insanity and addiction, we will eventually find our way. Love is everywhere -- and my God is love -- just like the bookmark said. Love makes the world go round.... It's so hard to communicate all the proof that God is love, and I don't want to proselytize. (I'm technically Christopagan.) I just know that Jesus is okay with my nature loving, pagan ways as well as believing in Him. If Jesus is okay with me, I should be okay with me.

Like it says in the Basic Text "A spiritual awakening is an ongoing process. We experience a wider view of reality as we grow spiritually. An opening of our minds to new spiritual and physical experiences is the key to better awareness. As we grow spiritually we become attuned to our feelings and our purpose in life." chapter 10, p 101. I am always growing.... Love is a journey not a destination. As I grow, I realize that I have much to learn about loving yet.

Healthy Relationships

2008-08-23T19:59:00.000-05:00

Recovery is also about developing healthy relationships in our lives. Many of us have dysfunctional families and relationships in our lives.

"How fortunate that we are now in a positon to make healthy decisions about our relationships!" today's entry, Each Day A New Beginning, "No longer the victim, we have the personal power to choose how we want to spend our time and with whom."

Conventional wisdom says that we choose our friends but we don't choose our family. Though there is a lot to be said for tolerance and patience in relationships with family members, we don't have to tolerate drug or alcohol abuse in our relationships with family members. It is perfectly alright to love such people from a distance, especially since they are probably a danger to our own sobriety. We CAN choose who in our family we wish to develop relationships with, including parents. It is also impossible for a woman to develop a healthy relationship with "perverts" or child molesters. It is very hard to have relationships with family members who support (and believe) those people as well. We have the right to lay down boundaries -- unfortunately some will not tolerate our right to do so and will either ignore them or stop talking to us. We have to be able to let go of those people, even if they are family. It is alright to not have relationships with family members who do not support us.

My family is like that. Most of them are actively using addicts and alcoholics. They don't want me to have boundaries with them. I get little respect from most of my family. My father, in particular, who left pornography in the kids' bathroom when we were growing up, and put his hand on my rear end the one and only time we hugged, is impossible to get along with. He does not communicate with people much at all -- and shows no love to anyone that I can think of. Hell, he doesn't even clean up after himself. My family supports him wholeheartedly because he finished college and "don't you know how hard that is...." I committed a crime against him -- in part because he looks like a very respectable upper middle class person and gets away with everything he does, and my whole family, and even some old friends, took his side in disowning me. I know for a fact that one can life without toxic family members. Since I am not supposed to, by law, contact any of those people, I no longer feel "obligated" to keep relationships going with people who never call, show no support, never write, and have extreme conditions on their love. I hope that others who read this involved in toxic relationships realize they don't have to be in them. It is a lot like getting a tumor cut out of our bodies -- sure it hurts at first, but then it feels so much better.

I've been suckered into many "mini-relationships" with "perverts" and sexually abusive types of men in the now-distant past. I had what could best be called learned helplessness in those kind of relationships. I also had fear of being alone. I really did want to find a nice guy to raise a family with and did not want to be a single parent. I did have two beautiful children with men like that, and found the idea that they might abuse my daughters too was absolutely intolerable to me. So I gave my daughters up for adoption. Some values I refuse to compromise, and it may have saved my children's life and innocence.... I don't believe in any form of child abuse. Sexually abusive men don't listen in the bedroom, and don't obey women. They don't seem to have any qualms about hitting kids either. I knew I wouldn't be able to stop them from hitting or doing worse to my children. So I figured why bother.

I've been single now for over ten years. I did have one tryst with someone who was aggressively persuing me in treatment -- he wouldn't take "I'm not interested" as an answer, even though I told him that a lot. I put up with him for a little while, because my own attraction to him was blinding me to ill treatment. I really should have turned him in. I still battle with that learned helplessness. I also battle with what society requires as proof for sexual misconduct. One man in treatment exposed himself to me. They did not charge him with indecent exposure like they should have -- he was charged with disorderly conduct. What exactly does it take for a woman to find justice, anyway? I really want to know....

I'm fed up with bad relationships. I guess that's good, because I don't have any relationships with toxic people any more. I refuse to put up with abuse. It simply isn't worth the pain. I learned about broken bones when I broke my ankle in February 2007 going down my stairs. I don't want any person breaking my bones, or murdering me. I lost my mother at a young age, and I don't want to do that to my kids....

I also take responsibility for my own feelings. This is essential for anyone in a healthy type of relationship. We don't have to put up with people blaming us for their feelings -- even if they are family. Oh sure, we can hurt others, and others can hurt us (or make us laugh), but other then that, we must own our feelings. We should develop relationships with people who are willing to take responsibility for themselves. It's something I've learned to do since I've been in treatment. It was something I was working on before I started using, and am continuing to work on now. I use I statements in conflicts wherever possible -- not that I have many conflicts any more. I cannot blame my actions on anyone else, either. I didn't make anyone else do anything either. I am a people too, and deserve the same respect, trust and love that I give others. I know that confidence, honesty and some degree of discernment can keep the predatory types at bay. They sometimes punish us for honesty, but often they run from it like the cowards they truly are.

Remember -- we choose who we hang out with. We can change our minds at any time. We don't have to live in chains. We often have the key, and it is often found in some kind of recovery program, whether it be Alanon, Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, etc....

Putting Recovery First

2008-08-19T20:59:00.000-05:00

Recovery definitely needs to come first. It is the way out of all of the chaos, and destruction. Recovery is more to me then just not using drugs. Recovery is about recovering from abuse and mental illness too. If I am not functional, everything around me will be or will seem dysfunctional. They say, in recovery, that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've also been told that insanity is repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again....

I know that insanity is when it is really difficult to tell fantasy from reality. Drugs mess with my perceptions a lot. I don't perceive other's emotions correctly. I don't understand what people are trying to say. I can't read when I'm high.... I am dysfunctional and insane when I am using. The dark side of my imagination takes over, and the things I imagine become real to me.

I have to be functional to cope with reality. I have to be functional if I want relationships with others. I have to be able to pay attention. I can't pay attention if my imagination has taken over.... I have to be functional to pay bills, clean my house, work, etc.... That's why my recovery comes first.

I can't let anyone else interfere with my recovery either. It's a choice to use drugs up until that first hit or first drink -- then insanity takes over and I no longer have a choice in the matter. I can't be around people that are going to tempt or pressure me into using.

Recovery is more then just being clean. Recovery is about learning to be more honest with ourselves and others. Recovery is about taking responsibility for our actions, and being held accountable. Recovery is basically about becoming a better person, believing in a higher good (or higher love), and becoming more spiritual. No matter what myth tells us, the way to connect with our higher power in the closest way possible is not by using mind or mood altering substances. I know because my relationship with God, Goddess, Jesus and the Spirit is very good, and I can trust Them. We can't find it in our hearts to love and trust really anyone when we are high on drugs. We especially cannot find it to love or trust fully when high.....

We have to take steps. There is no elevator or escalator to Heaven. We cannot let anyone stop us from taking the necessary steps. "The enormity of the change required in our lives can be paralyzing. We know we can't take care of all that needs to be done, not all at once." today's Just For Today entry. The way to do that is to take steps. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. We've probably had plenty of practice letting things slide, if we are addicted. Thus, we must use that tendency to turn the tables on drugs. If we are using, our most obvious problem is the drugs. They must go if anything else is to change.... If that is the most important problem, then recovery must become the most important thing to us.

I am on a journey of love. It is loving to myself to not use.... I am journeying to find more love. It is not a boring journey -- not at all. Love means taking risks. Love means that I stick up for those that need someone to stick up for them. It can be dangerous to love. In my humble opinion, if I was not afraid to take my life into my hands by using, then I should not allow any fear to keep me from doing courageous things.... Oh, don't get me wrong, I often get bored, but at least there is no crisis going on. There was always a crisis when I was using, and I take comfort from the fact that my life is not in constant crisis anymore. I have good self esteem and confidence now, which is priceless. I can think clearly, and thank the Spirit, I can read and comprehend what I am reading.....

I cannot afford to use. Those that love and depend on me cannot afford for me to use. I need to remain emotionally available to those people. I know how awful it was to grow up with parents that were emotionally unavailable. They did not understand. They did not help me out -- aside from providing food, shelter and sometimes clothing. They thought that was good enough, and reminded me often that they were giving me "room and board". I know that kids need love to thrive. I want my kids to thrive.... Therefore what I need to do to recover comes first in my life. Right now, nobody is arguing with me. I hope for the future, that nobody will really make me choose between their selfish needs and my recovery -- because I will have to choose recovery.

Some say this is a "selfish" program. I'm not sure that selfish is quite the right word, but it IS about self improvement. We can provide better for others when we are healthy ourselves. It is not selfish, in my book, to take care of oneself. It's too darn important, and deserves priority.

Empathy

2008-08-18T07:24:00.001-05:00

Empathy and compassion are the same thing to me. Compassion means to feel passionately another person's feelings, or as closely as possible. They mean that a person is willing to walk a mile in another person's shoes. It means feeling another person's pain or, at least, respecting it.

Empathy is a great first resort when dealing with people. It's a good idea to listen and try to understand where people are really coming from. I've spent my life trying to be empathetic to others.... Love was quite the rare commodity in my family, and I didn't feel that was right. I took the golden rule to heart, and I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. I love it when people try to understand where I'm coming from.

Most people really appreciate it when others try to understand them. There are some, though, that will take advantage of other's concern. I didn't used to believe in evil, really, and was a big sucker for sob stories. I ended up, quite often, getting taken advantage of -- usually by men. I've since learned that empathy does not mean being a doormat. Nowadays, I have a kind of detached compassion for others. I don't put my whole heart and soul into it. I don't believe it's too healthy to be blown whichever way the wind goes. Empathy is wasted on evil people. They don't feel love. There's no point in giving something to someone who will only take more by force. You see, I used to feel for the "monsters." I'd see lots of pain there. They couldn't "help" the way they were. But there is such a thing as being too compassionate.... We have to draw the line somewhere, and I draw it with people who prove themselves to be abusive and/or predatory.

When I started using, I took a vacation from compassion. I gave up everything and everyone I knew. I stopped treating others with love. It wasn't entirely a bad decision.... I really wanted to start over -- but that's very hard when one is on drugs. I only got sexually assaulted once while I was using. There were other addicts I really needed some distance and perspective on.

I really appreciate the love and compassion/empathy I've gotten from others in the program. Some people really seem to care. People relate their own experiences to mine quite often. It is not wasted on me. Therefore, it probably isn't wasted on others too. I spent a lot of time in the past putting up with not so compassionate treatment from others. Most of the people I hung out with were emotionally unavailable and lousy listeners. Drug use prevents people from being emotionally available. I prefer to hang out with people who care, now. I too, deserve to be treated like I matter -- like my feelings are important.

We have to have compassion for ourselves, too. We need to see both sides of an issue. You are a people too, and deserve the same good treatment you give others. Compassion for the self means not puttin yourself down and/or beating yourself up. It means not calling yourself stupid just because you did something stupid or trusted someone. It's compassionate toward the self and others to try to be a good person, and not call yourself a bad person.

Admitting we are powerless over an addiction is very compassionate. It means we accept that we have limitations, that we are fallible and human. When we accept this about ourselves, it is easier to accept this about others. Compassion and empathy does not mean putting others on a pedestal. It makes it much easier to forgive ourselves and others.

I have gone back to being empathetic towards others as a general rule. I really do care about others. Nowadays, though, I am more cautious. I don't spend a lot of time on others who want to "get with me" without knowing me very well. I also don't put up with people who are actively using. Empathy is the lifeblood of true friendship, and true friendship is a two way street.

I will not give up on love -- I refuse! To be unloving would make me no better then a predator!

Spiritual Maintenance

2008-08-16T19:53:00.000-05:00

My relationship with God, Goddess, The Spirit and Jesus is the most important thing to me today.

Quite honestly, when I was locked up in jail for a year and a half, the only people that were there for me was my Higher Power. I learned to talk to them daily in jail. And, they speak to me too.

I learned about the Goddess when I was around 20. I could not deal with the idea that God was a man, and I could see the Goddess in my head. She was always there; I would always see Her there whenever I wanted too. I could feel Her too. You see I've been through a lot of sexual abuse -- all of it done by male humans (I really can't, in good conscience, call them men. None of them were mature or chivalrous or even protective.)

I've been seeking God, Goddess and Heaven for many many years now. My mother died when I was three, and I wanted confirmation of some kind that there was a place she was at and that her soul was still alive. I was told she was an angel by my adoptive mom, and I was seeking proof. I still miss her to this day. I grew up in one violent, drunken home, and another addicted, Godless home.... I had two different families growing up. It's very complicated for others to understand and I won't go into it here.

I was willing to do anything to find the Spirit. I was willing to try anything to bring me closer to the divine, and thus my mother. I met a man who seemed very spiritual to me. He sang a lot about love. He also smoked marijuana and treated it as something sacred. So, I figured I could also find what I was looking for if I smoked the "sacred herb." Imagine my surprise when I found myself addicted. I looked past his obvious problems -- he changed girlfriends like people changed clothes. He was a bit of a snob -- unwilling to work like the rest of us, using women for food, shelter and clothing. I told one of his girlfriends to kick him out, because I really didn't think it was cool for a white man to use this Native Hawaiian woman for money. It seemed a little racist to me. He was also critical, had a lot of walls up, and uncommunicative. I don't think he ever forgave me for that, because she took my advice. Shortly thereafter they broke up. I was not impressed with the fact that he started dating a rich white girl who had been "crawling all over him" in front of his girlfriend.... But, by then I was addicted.

I did not feel the "love" while addicted. I felt isolated, cut off and anxious if I am to be honest about it.

I spend a lot of time having conversations with God. I made peace with the masculine image of God and Jesus. I often see Jesus' face in my head and He is a very expressive entity. Sometimes He'll nod or shake His head no if I ask for advice. I often see Jesus laugh. I get messages too.

It was shortly after my second daughter was born that I lost an aunt to cancer. I was convinced at the time there was no God. I was also very much addicted at the time. I saw Jesus' face in the tree branches, in the clouds and in the wood grain of my cupboards (really!) Since then I've been talking to my Higher Power on a regular basis. I was even talking to them while I was addicted. For awhile, while psychotic, I was desperately afraid of "sinning" and became a born again Christian. I threw out all my divination and astrology stuff. But I decided eventually that I could not discount all the times I talked to the Goddess -- and was answered.

I have not stopped talking and listening to my Higher Power. I meditate every day. Unfortunately (?) I have issues with getting on my knees. My stepdad used to make me get on my knees to beat the crap out of me and it makes me feel shameful. My Higher Power does not seem to mind. I often see Jesus holding me in my head and I feel love. Maintaining my spirituality is not difficult for me. I try to act "good" and compassionate all the time. I express love even if I am not feeling it at the moment -- I call it the 'will to love." Eventually my feelings come around, and I "feel the love" again. When I was two -- I was told I announced in a church "God is everywhere," and I still believe it. Love IS everywhere. I just need to reach out to maintain my spirituality.

Over Time, Not Overnight

2008-08-15T13:49:00.000-05:00

A lot of newcomers wonder when they are going to start feeling better after they quit using. They want to know why things aren't getting better yet. This takes time.

I know when I was forced to quit, and even the couple of times I quit voluntarily, there was a lot of anger and hatred that came up. I found that I hated everyone. Most people, even other actively using addicts, did not want to put up with my drug use. They did not want me around. Some of these feelings were rational. It's hard not to be angry at being rejected at every turn by mostly everyone. It's hard not to be angry at myself for allowing my anxiety and paranoia to keep me from trying to establish friendships. I'd have to say that 98% of "friendships" developed while actively addicted are NOT real friendships. I know that sometimes friendship is real when a person is using, because I was a real friend to my old best friend while she was using. But she often didn't want to hear anything I had to say, and I let her do most of the talking. I suppose she wasn't that good a friend to me.... But, I was there also because of her kids -- whom I loved a lot. I helped take care of them, probably due to giving up my first daughter for adoption and missing her. She never said thank you for the times I watched her kids or offered to pay me in any way.

That, in itself fueled the fires of my addiction. I had been used by my best friend and that was a good excuse to use drugs. I knew that my using pot would either bring out concern in her or chase her away. Either alternative was preferable to being used by her. I hated her for awhile after I quit. I was sooooooo angry. And of course, the situation did not work itself out. She still uses prescription pain killers for recreation..... She still doesn't really care about others too much. But I am clean, so that is a good thing. And I live far away from her, so I don't feel obligated to watch her kids when she won't take care of them.

"We expect our physical problems to correct themselves, our thinking to become rational, and a fully developed spiritual life to manifest itself overnight." today's Just For Today entry.

I was so depressed after I quit too. The marijuana did help me suppress suicidal urges and laugh off the effects of my psychosis for a couple hours every time I'd smoke it. One of my other excuses for using was "Well, if I can't feel better by being spiritual, I might as well do something that makes me feel good." I've said this before -- I don't like pills and didn't want to take antidepressants. I didn't think humans knew enough about our brains, actually, to help me. Boy, I battled with suicidal urges the entire time I was getting clean. But, fortunately, my illnesses (depression, PTSD, and psychosis) are treatable and effectively treatable, at that.

The sky began to clear for me a couple of weeks after I started taking Zoloft, which is used to treat both PTSD and depression. I felt better, but not "high." I didn't really feel anxious too much either after it started working. Oh, I still had problems left over from the addiction. I had problems sleeping. I had problems with reading comprehension. I think reading was the thing I missed the most while addicted. Marijuana really interferes with reading comprehension. I could NOT make sense out of most things I read, so I gave it up during my addiction. It took about two and a half years for my reading comprehension to come back to normal. I know I read lots of books during those two and a half years, but I couldn't remember what I had read a couple of pages before....

It took a few months to a year for me to think rationally about the people I had known too. I had been a very forgiving person (perhaps too forgiving) before I started using. While I was addicted I didn't put up with any thing from anyone, real or imagined. It took me a little while to come back to forgiving others.... And it took me longer to forgive myself. It wasn't my fault I got addicted, but it is my responsibility to stay clean. I like myself a lot better now... That forgiveness takes time and is of a higher power.... It is essential to feeling better. We learn to forgive others and ourselves as a consequence of having a connection to our higher power.

It will get better if you stop using, if you are an addict thinking of quitting and reading this. It will take time.... But, as you spend that time, you will develop patience. Another essential quality to being an adult in such a scary and wonderful world.

The Fellowship

2008-08-14T21:48:00.000-05:00

"From the isolation of our addiction, we find a fellowhip of people with a common bond of recovery. N.A. is like a lifeboat in a sea of isolation, hopelessness and destructive chaos."

Basic Text, chapter 9, p. 94

I have mixed feelings about the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I don't really feel the "love" from a lot of the men in the program. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a partner or lover or anything like that. It would just be nice to make friends with a man or two in the program who didn't want to "get in my pants" and wasn't a jerk!

In the area where I live, the vast majority of the people in the program are white too. (I could safely say 99%) I am not comfortable around all white people. I can't help but wonder what chases off the people of other races and/or cultures? Is it their prejudices, ours or a combination of both? I was raised by an interracial couple for the first ten years of my life and I like a multicultural society better.

I am grateful for the wonderful women I've met in the program. I have made friends with a few of them. Those women are in Alcoholics Anonymous, though. Perhaps, like me, they got frightened of the kind of men who usually become addicts and turned to AA. Because most of my women friends now are addicts, but they don't go to the local NA meetings. I am especially grateful for my wonderful sponsor. I love her to death. She knows that I would not respond well to uncalled for "tough love." I am not a problem sponsee..... The very thought of using marijuana again turns my stomach. I have some good clean time behind me. Those few women I am friends with I could call anytime.

I only moved to this area about a year and a half ago.... It takes time to get to know people. I am not really stressing about not feeling the "love" right now, because I have learned patience. I don't have a homegroup yet. I also had some bad experiences with some men in the program. Also, a lot of the people who come to the meetings disappear sooooo fast. I've liked a lot of the newcomers. A lot of these women are great people when they are clean and sober, and then they go back out. I try not to get too attached to newcomers, but that can be difficult at times. I do call people, but my phone isn't exactly ringing off the wall. Perhaps that's because I can be very skeptical of white people in general....

However, I have found some degree of fellowship online. In particular in the Open Recovery Room of http://www.stepchat.com . There are lots of people on there that I can relate to.

Perhaps one of the reasons I am having difficulty is because I also need people who grew up like I did with alcoholics and addicts in my life. I can't seem to find people that want to hear what I have to say about that very often.

One thing I am grateful for is that nowadays, since I've gotten into recovery I've found people that actually will listen to me, and sometimes defend me.

More will be revealed....

Spiritual growth

2008-08-09T12:30:00.000-05:00

"Spiritual growth, love and compassion are but idle potentials until shared with a fellow addict. By giving unconditional love in the fellowship, we become more loving, and in the sharing of spiritual growth we become more spiritual."

Basic Text, chapter 10, page 99

To become more loving of ourselves, of others, and of our higher power is, indeed, the goal of spiritual growth. This is especially true for me, since my higher power IS love..... To me, this means, if I strive to love others and love them a lot, I will not go in the wrong direction.

Sometimes that means "tough love" like when an oldtimer is "harsh" with a newcomer who doesn't want to quit, or like a parent with an errant child. Sometimes this means loving from a distance, especially if we have to detach from those who are actively using. We pray for those people if we are doing it right. Sometimes that's all we can do for some people, especially if all they do is argue with us -- no matter what we say.

Humility is essential to spiritual growth. We must realize, like our constitution says, all of us are created equal. Nearly everyone we meet can teach us something useful. Others have the same potential we have. Step seven says, "We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." We MUST accept that we do have them, and they do stand in the way of spiritual growth. We have to be humble enough to see that spiritual growth is something to be desired.... "We have to understand that our way of thinking is not the only way; other people can give us direction. When someone points out a shortcoming, our first reaction may be defensive. We must realize that we are not perfect. There will always be room for growth. If we truly want to be free, we will take a good look at input from fellow addicts...." Basic Text, Chapter four, p. 35. Spirit does speak through others sometimes....

Love does not thrive on an island of isolation.... "Isolation is dangerous to spiritual growth," Basic Text, chapter 7, p. 81. It needs to flow out from Spirit, to us, and through us, to others and back to us. Often, people who are actively addicted are very isolated, cut off emotionally from others, and unwilling to reach out to others. They are unwilling to hear anything good or good for them. A lot of active addicts will tell you how much against love they are..... They will tell you how awful love is.... They don't give or receive -- they just take what they think they want. I honestly believe that actively using addicts are trying to get the benefits of love, because only love makes us feel good. Love makes us act good..... We naturally associate being good with being spiritual, after all it is the Spirit that defines goodness.

"As we recover, we gain a new outlook on being clean. We enjoy a feeling of release and freedom from the desire to use. We find that everyone we meet eventually has something to offer. Be become able to receive as well as to give. Life can become a new adventure for us. We come to know happiness, joy and freedom." Basic Text, chapter 8, p. 88. That adventure IS spiritual growth. How we handle the unexpected reveals spiritual growth. As we grow spiritually, Spirit makes us feel happier and more free.... Feelings really aren't so awful after all. We develop a tolerance for our own feelings -- they become less raw, destructive, and threatening. "As we grow spiritually we become attuned to our feelings and our purpose in life." Basic Text, chapter 10, p. 101. Our feelings no longer run our lives -- we have a HANDLE on them....

"Sharing with others keeps us from feeling isolated and alone. This process is a creative action of the spirit," Basic Text, chapter 7, p.81. We also learn to communicate better and more effectively if we are growing spiritually. Such things become more important to us the longer we stay clean.... We realize it is NOT all about us, after all, and we lose our egocentric paranoia and grandiosity. We begin to care about others... and thus care about what kind of messages we are sending out. "We recognize our spiritual growth when we are able to reach out and help others. We help others when we participate in service work and try to carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers. We learn that we keep what we have only by giving it away...." Basic Text, Chapter 5, p. 56.

H.O.W. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are essential to growing spiritually. The steps take us down the road of spiritual growth. There is always room for growth. We don't get there, imho, until this life is over and we begin the next.... perhaps we never become perfect -- but who would want to be perfect. I don't even believe that God or Goddess are perfect.

"Loving may be a mistake, but it's worth making" Lee Ann Womack

Gratitude

2008-08-08T16:53:00.000-05:00

In Buddhism, it is said that suffering comes from desire.... We do suffer when we want more and more, or more and better of whatever it is we have. Now, I don't believe all suffering comes from desire -- other people can and do hurt us at times. But there is truth to that statement. We need to be content with what we have to be happy. "It's so very easy to wish away our lives, never finding satisfaction with our families, our jobs, our friends. The more we find fault with life, the more fault we are guaranteed to find," today's entry in Each Day A New Beginning.

"Gratitude for what's been offered us in our lives softens the harsh attitudes we occasionally harbor," Each Day A New Beginning.

Honestly if we're missing clothing, food or shelter, it is no longer a matter of simple desire. Then something needs to be done. There is a difference between need and desire. Unfortunately many are without the basic needs of survival. But, of many of those people we can find happiness anyway. Their secret is being grateful.

Quite honestly none of us need a big bank account, a fancy car (and I could even argue that one does not need a car at all....), the latest computer or the most fashionable clothes. Things do not make us happy, although they can make us more comfortable. We do not need half the stuff we demand as consumers! I could look at gas, for example.... In the USA gas prices are very low compared to most other countries. People simply aren't grateful for that! As a matter of fact the media portrays the price of gas and oil as some kind of crisis -- which it is not. The way people drive and ignore the rights of pedestrians and bicyclists or their contemptuous attitudes towards same, shows me that people simply aren't grateful they have the convenience of a car! People need exercise in this country too. I often wonder what the heck is wrong with walking, biking and taking the bus? We need better sources of energy (like solar power) anyway -- we can't use a limited supply of fossil fuel forever.... But, oh yeah, most of my classmates slept during those environmental films in school.

A couple of months ago, my sponsor had me make out a gratitude list. I did that and hung it on my closet door in my bedroom where I could see it every morning. I don't always look at it, but every day I can find something to be grateful for. I am a fairly happy person, and I think my "attitude of gratitude" helps me feel that way.

After three years of being homeless, I am extremely grateful that I have shelter -- and not only shelter, but my own place! I have enough food. I am healthy and fit enough to do my own shopping and I take the bus to go shopping. I am grateful I can afford the bus. I am grateful for my creature comforts in my home. I am grateful for the furniture which I got when local college students moved out and left it out on the curb for anyone to take. It's very functional and even looks pretty nice yet.... I am very grateful I have a bed and hot water. I am grateful I have electricity! Some people (even in this country) can't get electricity for their homes, and live without it! And I am grateful I have a working computer, with the internet even, even though it could qualify as an antique!

I am very grateful that I have a wonderful sponsor. I'm in the process of making all new friends, because my old ones left me in their wake either because they were too busy using, or too busy being judgmental. I am grateful that my new friends are willing to be my friend, in spite of the fact that nobody really vouches for me right now. I am grateful I was forced into recovery, and when I committed my crime back in 2002, I was not sent to prison. I am grateful that there are honorable authority figures in this world, and that I can lean on them.

I am grateful that I am loved by my creator. I am grateful that I have two beautiful children even though I didn't and as it turns out couldn't have raised them alone. I am grateful they seem to be happy and healthy. That they have their physical and hopefully, emotional needs met. I am grateful they have extended families (albeit adopted) that care for them. I am grateful I no longer have to put up with any of my exes -- that they are out of my life.

I am not grateful for the abuse I went through (this is known as Stockholm syndrome. Stockholm syndrome is common in people with PTSD.) I have to be real honest with myself and say that I didn't learn anything, or really anything good from it. As a matter of fact I had to unlearn a lot -- which took a lot of valuable time. My whole family turned their back on me before I became pregnant, and there was no physical, emotional or financial support from them, much less the abusive fathers of the two children. There is an exception to every rule, and not being grateful for abuse is it in this case.

I am grateful that I found recovery and because addiction led me to recovery -- I don't regret it. I have to remember that I have a lot. I am grateful too, that I never have been the type who had to keep up with the Joneses. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me (especially because I have no car!) I have so much now that I couldn't have had when I was using, or still codependent, even. Thank you God and Goddess for everything!

Changes

2008-08-08T09:13:00.000-05:00

"One of the most profound changes in our lives is in the realm of personal relationships."

Basic Text, Chapter 5 p. 55

If we are addicted or alcoholic and we get clean and sober, we will find that we are changing -- usually for the better. We need to make changes. We often have many defects of character that go along with the addictions.

Step seven is the one where we humbly ask God (or whomever/whatever our Higher Power is) to remove our shortcomings. In our inventory we were able to identify those defects. "The Seventh Step is an action step, and it is time to ask God for help and relief. We have to understand that our way of thinking is not the only way; other people can give us direction," Basic Text, chapter four, p 35. We really can feel better....

I know I asked God/dess for help with my irritability, my low tolerance to frustration, low self esteem, and my tendency toward petty theft. And I got help with those things. I find I am now a very patient person -- both with myself and others. Of course, a lot of my irritability came from my clinical depression, which is now being treated. And since anti-depressants work for me, it is unlikely that 20+ years of depression was situational. God/dess helped me get to a place where I could find proper treatment. I know that faith alone was not enough to treat the chemical imbalances in my brain.... I tried that for several years -- going on faith alone -- and it did not work.

In my relationships with others, one of the most profound changes is my ability to set up boundaries. Boundaries are very important. There are certain things that I will not tolerate. I won't tolerate abuse, racism, and sexual harassment. I also will not move on certain issues, especially when I am speaking facts. Some people don't appreciate others' boundaries, and I have to let those people go. I find that being honest about my boundaries, and willing to enforce them deters people that would take advantage of me. Don't get me wrong -- I am a nice person most of the time, but I can be a real b*tch if my rights are trampled upon. I am also learning about detachment, and I often have to detach from users of all kinds.....

I don't really have a relationship now with any active addicts and alcoholics. I laid down the boundary that I will not tolerate their glaringly obvious defects like lying, manipulation, and abusiveness. I don't put up with those things. To be honest, I lost most of my friendships and relationships while I was still using and mentally ill. But I've made it clear that the friendships are not going to be reinstated without them meeting me halfway. I don't want them killing themselves with drugs.

I recently had to let a friend go because he believes that rape is some form of sex and does not want me to talk about the subject. I was very honest with him, and he does not have the right to keep me from talking about something that happened so much in my past.

These people I know that are actively using gave me closure, and I took it.

If we are miserable, we must recognize the need for something to change in our own lives. We can't change others. All we can do for others who obviously need to change is make a suggestion. Then we "let go, and let God." If they are abusing us, using, and making us miserable, we need to recognize that we need to change something about our lives, and most likely ourselves. Often it is perception, which my higher power helps me with. I can get a different, more positive perspective if I only ask my higher power.

I am truly much better off today. I have food, shelter, and clothing. I don't necessarily feel loved by very many people, but I know God/dess and the Spirit love me. I feel good because I strive to be as loving as I can. That's a big change from the days when I didn't really trust anyone and felt oh so misunderstood. The fellowship has given me the understanding on the many levels I needed it on. Thank God/dess for helping me find recovery.....

Individuality

2008-08-07T17:27:00.000-05:00

As addicts and alcoholics, there is a condition that we all want to avoid -- that of "terminal uniqueness." This means that we want to avoid viewing ourselves as being beyond others understanding and our stories as too different from others. Seeking common ground with other recovering addicts is very important, especially if we want to find friends. It's a terminal condition, because if we don't see the similarities between ours and others' experiences, we will most likely go back out and use or drink again. That can kill us.

The fact remains that we are all still unique individuals. I was taught as a child that we are all "special." In today's entry in Each Day A New Beginning it says, "We need to know that we matter in this life. We need evidence that others are aware of our prescense." It's no fun to be ignored. We all have basic emotional needs: to be listened to when we talk, to be acknowledged, to be respected, and basically to be loved.

Everyone has something to teach us. We should give others what we need for ourselves. We should listen to others when they have something to say (not spend inordinate amounts of time dwelling on what we are going to say next.) We should respect others. We should acknowledge each other's prescense.

Granted, some people aren't worth listening to, like perverts who habitually lie. We shouldn't have to listen to a man go on and on about how he wants to sleep with us. We shouldn't have to listen to racist or sexist diatribes that people. Such things are obscene. We don't have to tolerate obscenities. But if we do respect such people and take the time to listen to them, we should not be faulted for that.

"To have one's individuality completely ignored is like being pushed quite out of life. Like being blown out as one blows out a light," Evelyn Scott.

I know what it feels like to have my individuality ignored. My dad and his wife were real good at ignoring and ignorance. She had me confused with some kind of bubbleheaded, horny teenage girl, in spite of evidence to the contrary. She also persisted with the theory that I was a compulsive liar. (Don't get me wrong, like all kids, I did lie sometimes.) In reality, I was more of a nerd who carried a notebook everywhere and wrote about all kinds of stuff. I was a bit of a computer geek too. Neither one of them ever acknowledged my involvement in legitimate extracurricular activities. And like Ms. Scott says, I felt like a blown out candle a lot of the time.

Those darn stereotypes. They get in the way of real, honest relationships every time. We want to try to avoid prejudice. We all have stereotypes in our heads. I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets prejudiced thoughts in my head. We don't have to give those preconceived notions any power over us. We are not powerless over our mouths (unless we have Tourette's syndrome.) They can't hurt other people if we don't give voice to them! Sometimes it's best just to ignore the bad thoughts in our heads; sometimes we have to argue with ourselves when we get persistant bad thoughts.

"It takes careful listening and close observation to sense the message another soul may be sending to our own." We also have to care. This is the essence of open mindedness, and open mindedness is one of the indispensable spiritual principles of recovery.

We Do Recover

2008-08-04T10:29:00.000-05:00

Recovery is wonderful. I get to say "Yes, I've been there and I know, now, it's no good." I get to feel good about myself. I have confidence in myself. I trust myself. I know I don't want to go back to scraping for survival like I was when I was using. I have the fellowship and a few new friends that don't use. They, too, have been there. Thus, I get support in my recovery. They know it doesn't work. I also get a wonderful new relationship with God and Goddess and the Spirit. Spirit is always there when I need it; Spirit is everywhere. I knew that when I was two, and I still believe it. I've never found any evidence to the contrary. Sometimes Spirit talks through others or animals or the clouds or whatever. God, Goddess and Spirit don't mind if I cling to them. It's a wonderful relationship -- one of give and take. Boy, is giving back ever important. It's important to me that I give back to Spirit. There is this marvelous sense of "rightness" to recovery and even doing the twelfth step. I get to be right about how important it is to find recovery.

I've found a sense of peace and emotional stability that I never had before.

It's hard to communicate the peace of mind I have to others, especially newcomers. It's hard to communicate to them that they need a higher power to quit. It's hard to communicate to newcomers that they will find that higher power if they do the steps.... It's hard to communicate that that higher power is one that is worth having a relationship. It's so common to blame God for everything that goes wrong. This is a common attitude towards God. It's common not to accept that God may not be perfect and therefore does not create perfect human beings, animals, and things. To accept that goes against the establishment. Our tendency to be different socially can work in our favor.... We aren't going to Hell if we challenge the establishment. That, in itself, may be hard for newcomers to face.

But facing ourselves and being different, spiritually, is less difficult then scraping by and merely surviving, fending off predatory types when we may be weaker then them. Its a dangerous world when one is actively using. People who use often get ripped off, raped, and shot. The media feeds our delusions that that is what life is really like. And, often, God and Goddess and Spirit take the blame for that reality.

Recovery is a different reality then that. A lot of people in the program really do care. There is real love in the program. That love is the lifeblood of recovery, imho.

We do get better. We do find ourselves. We do find out that we aren't that bad -- that we don't fit into the world of dealers, smugglers, and violence. If we put in as much effort as we did to appearing too "tough" to mess with, we will recover.

Recovery, though is a lifelong journey. It is not a destination. Perhaps we are never fully recovered until we pass on. We have to have a relationship with ourselves as well as a higher power to actually live. Life is so good, when those important relationships are good. For, even when it seems like nobody else loves us, the love of our higher power and of ourselves for ourselves will sustain us. I know it does, since I'm not the type who makes friends easily. I still feel good about myself and feel safe most of the time. I'm so happy I don't have to go back to survival mode, feeling crappy when I come down, or the manipulations and being used by users.

We do recover, if we are honest, open minded and willing to face ourselves and our higher power. I have six years of recovery and it just keeps getting better.

Trusting Others

2008-08-03T10:30:00.000-05:00

This was the subject of today's entry in Just For Today, and an interesting topic it is.....

First off, I don't think it's really possible to really trust others until we learn to trust ourselves. To trust ourselves we need to be clean and sober for the most part -- especially if we are addicts. People tend to see in others what they see in themselves -- comparing our insides to other's outsides is a common way of doing things. If we ourselves are unreliable, we will tend to see others as unreliable. Addicts who are still using are untrustworthy, one and all.

"Most of us come from backgrounds where betrayal and insensitivity among friends were common occurences." That's just the way it is when we hang around using addicts. All of my immediate family is either alcoholic or addicted, and I learned that I couldn't trust them. Especially when I was 10 years old and my adopted mother told me I was going to "visit" my biological dad. Well the visit was actually an adoption. It was planned. After I left home I began hanging around with actively using addicts. I got used and betrayed a lot. I was quite the cynic for a long time, and my clinical depression didn't help me be less cynical.

Well, then, when I started using, I became very unreliable. I stopped calling friends. I made several false accusations out of paranoia. I "disappeared" off the face of the Earth as far as most who knew me were concerned. Don't get me wrong, that wasn't all bad. I did need to get out of those relationships, they were codependent and bad for me. My daughter, who was only a baby, couldn't rely on me either.

I became homeless and did not pay bills, etc. I hitchhiked all over the U.S. -- going from coast to coast three times in three years of being homeless. I'd have to say that 98% of the rides I got were safe, good rides. People often gave me enough money to eat. Sometimes I got good, safe shelter from them. The whole experience was a serious challenge to my cynicism. I know now that there are a lot of "cool people" out there. There is a lot of good in the world. There ARE people that can be trusted.

"...we remind ourselves that the rules of active addiction don't apply in recovery." It's usually safe to trust people that aren't using drugs or addicted to alcohol.

Many old timers say that women should stick with women in the program and men should stick with men. I've found that to be helpful. I did have some male friends in NA. One decided he didn't want to be friends with me because I talk about rape and sexual abuse. Another male friend in the program called a friend of mine a "f***ing b***h" for basically no reason and tried to kick her out of his car. I do trust other women in the program, just not most of the men -- especially addicts. I have a really hard time trusting men who are addicts. "Our lives are at stake, and the only way we can stay clean is to trust these well-intentioned folks who, admittedly, aren't perfect."

I've heard it asked "What happens when you sober up a horse thief?" Well, you get a sober horse thief. There are still people I don't trust and have lost my trust. I don't really trust the police, but other authority figures I do trust.

Yes, trusting others is important. We need some people we can be honest with. We also need to develop a thicker skin, most of us, because people do talk about others (which is okay imho, as long as it's true). It takes a lot of trust to show our real selves, warts and all, but we can't continue to put on a false face. We must trust others to heal, and accept that sometimes, even though trusting is a mistake at times, its worth it to keep trying. We will need our friends, and they us at some point.

More Then We Can Handle.....

2008-08-02T09:17:00.000-05:00

"We are never, absolutely never given more then we can handle. In fact we are given exactly what we need at any given time."

Today's entry, Each Day A New Beginning

This seems so true at first.... It sounds really great on paper, and is true for most crises. Another way it's said is "God never gives us any more then we can handle." Well, God never does. Although I hate to bring up the devil, the devil does give us more then we can handle at times.

Rape is too much to handle (especially for children), torture is too much to handle. We live in a world where genocide happens from time to time, and that's too much to handle. The haulocaust was too much to handle for most. Nobody needs that kind of abuse. We go from living to merely surviving at times when death, destruction and horrors happen to us. Surviving means we meet our animal needs -- eating, breathing, and keeping ourselves warm or clothed. These are things the devil orchestrates. God can give us the tools we need to survive such things if we are open to receiving them -- if we haven't entirely lost faith during such things. But it is really hard to feel as if we are living in survival mode.

Anyway the point of this entry was, I think, "Don't sweat the small stuff...." Most of what we go through is small stuff. Believing that we are not given more then we can handle (with the exceptions mentioned above) can help us survive copious amounts of pain caused by the loss of loved ones. It is also important not to "bite off more then we can chew."

Addiction qualifies as biting off more then we can chew. Addiction/alcoholism, too, is too much to handle for most people. It really is slavery -- which is another thing that is too much to handle. God doesn't make us into addicts or alcoholics.

Sobriety is not too much to handle. Reality, most of the time, simply isn't that bad. The media tends to amplify the bad stuff that happens simply by refusing to balance it out with all the good stuff that happens in the world.

When I was homeless (and addicted) I learned that there are a lot of kind people out there in the world. I travelled around (hitchhiking) and I'd say, safely, 98% of the rides I got from people were really nice. I was often offered shelter that turned out to be safe. This cured me of cyncism; it really did. I used to be such a cynic at heart. People I didn't know fed me, drove me, and sheltered me. I figured hitchhiking was safer then squatting somewhere for a long period of time and being discovered by some predatory type. I also feel that it was more profitable. The cops tend not to like panhandlers....

I did spend some time standing by the side of the off ramp in San Jose with a sign asking travellers for "donations" to the homeless. I made it obvious I was the homeless individual. I could usually only handle standing there for about an hour or two at a time -- but I'd make, on average, $20 an hour.

People aren't all bad, and they aren't all good. It isn't "all good" all the time. We do get and create garbage from time to time. Sometimes the best way to handle it is to throw it out. Throwing stuff out can take years and years at times....

It's okay to lose faith at times, as long as we can find it in times of crisis. Faith can save our lives. "Whatever my problem today, I will let God have it. A solution is in the making. I see it just as quickly as I can let go of the problem." Each Day A New Beginning. It takes faith to give our problems to our Creator, and it takes faith, great faith and courage at times, to put the solution into practice.

Just remember, most things are not too much to handle, and we can survive most anything. "Love heals all."